Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #75
Triple H (c) vs. Vladimir Kozlov vs. Edge
for the WWE Championship
WWE Survivor Series - November 23, 2008​

The last remaining Survivor Series disaster (so far) was this match in 2008. The WON Worst Match of the Year, on a show that earned WON Worst Show of the Year, and in circumstances that earned a certain other award. This match started as Triple H vs. boring monster heel Vladimir Kozlov, and then became a triple threat involving Jeff Hardy. But then, on the early morning of the show, WWE.com featured this genuine article.

Jeff Hardy was found unconscious in a stairwell at his hotel in Boston today, and was rushed to the nearest emergency room.

Due to privacy issues, WWE is not releasing the name of the hospital.

WWE.com will have more information as it becomes available.

They didn't say outright that Jeff Hardy had suffered a drug overdose, but they did nothing to dissuade the thought. The fans knew Jeff Hardy had problems with drugs, and WWE wanted them to think about that. And by the verbal language of the announcement (e.g. saying "hospital" instead of "local medical facility") they wanted the fans to think this was 100% real. However, it was completely kayfabe. WWE acted like Jeff Hardy had had an actual drug overdose in order to create intrigue around who would replace him and pop a PPV buyrate. Yuck.

....and after all that, I still haven't talked about the match, which is now back down to unlikeable babyface Triple H and charisma void Kozlov. Yay. It's Survivor Series, so let's try to survive this one!

Kozlov's entrance is truly, agonisingly quiet. JR on commentary calls the spinner belt the richest prize in all of WWE. "We want Jeff" chants to start. This starts incredibly basic. Kozlov applies a wristlock, HHH slaps on a headlock, Kozlov briefly rolls for a one-count. We're not even two minutes in and we're already in rest hold city. As Kozlov finally breaks out of the headlock, the first "boring" chants of the match are heard. Takeover, staredown. "We want Hardy" chants. HHH counters Kozlov's wristlock into a hammerlock which lasts for quite a while. Kozlov is able to briefly break free but HHH takes over again. This is why Hunter's not meant to be a babyface. His offence is naturally heelish. "Jeff please stay clean" sign seen in the crowd. "Boring" chants return.

Kozlov pushes HHH into the corner but misses a weak-looking shoulder barge, and HHH immediately starts working the arm again. Kozlov pushes out and starts shoulder-pushing (I can't call it charging) HHH in the corner, as the "boring" chants are much louder this time. HHH whips Kozlov and hits a flying knee, for which the crowd wakes up momentarily. HHH hits a series of corner splashes, a kneeling facebuster, and a DDT. As Kozlov wobbles under HHH's punches, fans start a TNA chant!! I believe this is one of only three matches in WWE history with audible TNA chants (the first was the Extreme Elimination Chamber, while the third is for a future entry).

JR is generous to this match by saying there's "nothing fancy" in it and HHH is using a "deliberate pace". HHH hits a spinebuster, hits the taunt button, and teases the Pedigree, but Kozlov counters with a headbutt. "Boring" chants again. Kozlov tosses HHH to the outside, which naturally leads to more downtime until Kozlov retrieves his opponent, shoulder-charges him into everything upright, and rolls him back in. Kozlov hits a fallaway slam for two. More shoulder charging. More headbutts. The crowd is clearly sick of this. Kozlov's running powerslam draws a near fall. HHH fights up from the resulting waistlock (rest holds, again?) but Kozlov punches him in the lower back and hits multiple backbreakers for two.

Another waistlock. For a moment it sounds like WWE starts piping in crowd noise. Another Kozlov powerslam for two. ANOTHER waistlock. The "We want Hardy" chants ring out. HHH breaks out, but Kozlov strikes the lower back AGAIN and hits a belly-to-belly. Kozlov misses a headbutt in the corner, HHH hits a Pedigree, and both men are down.

Out comes Vickie Guerrero. "This will be a triple threat match... Ladies and gentlemen, he's here!". They knew what they were doing with this. Crowd gets incredibly hyped that they may get to see Jeff Hardy after all! ...and out comes Edge. Admittedly, it's a recently-returned-from-injury Edge, so there's a couple of cheers, but meh. He teases a spear for about a minute, looking like his eyes will pop out, until HHH finally stands up to eat the spear. Edge goes for the cover... but JEFF HARDY COMES OUT to attack Edge! Fans finally get on their feet! Hardy wrecks everyone with a chair until Edge spears him. That's it, Edge is the champion of a match he wasn't even in. La Familia is reunited. And the fans are cheated.

I mean... Not only is it boring, there's so many factors that make it offputting. The false advertising. The fact that it's not even a case that Hardy wasn't cleared. Vladimir Kozlov is in it. I strongly disliked my experience watching this.

 

[Alexa]

Bruh, I wa sjust watching the OSW ep where they mention this match...wild

 

[Sky]

Entry #76
Worker Ant vs. Arctic Rescue Ant
CHIKARA The World Is Not Enough - July 20, 2014​

CHIKARA is an interesting promotion. A promotion where half the guys were playing quintuple duty with masked characters, some of the most bizarre and experimental storylines that US wrestling has ever seen, and also the place where Eddie Kingston was the first singles champion. This is apparently a bad match by CHIKARA standards. I don't know if this is an actually bad match or if the standard is higher. Let's find out! (For housekeeping, this is the second Worker Ant, who was previously assailANT, and Arctic Rescue Ant is the guy who wrestled outside of CHIKARA as Jixx.)

In the opening exchanges, ARA appears to be outpacing Worker Ant, who is moving with a lot less energy. ARA pretty much runs rings around him until Worker Ant hits a snake eyes and dumps him to the outside with a big boot. Dive is (slowly) teased, but ARA shuts Worker Ant down with a kick. ARA's dropkick gets two. Worker Ant looks slow and his strikes look weak. He goes for a pumphandle slam but ARA slips out and takes out his knee from behind. "That was cool" says one fan to an ARA bulldog. ARA does the leg part of a surfboard, but instead mimics skiing. That's a fun touch! "Let's go skiing" says one guy in the crowd. Probably the same guy.

"Learn the rules" chant after ARA argues with the ref over a grounded choke. The fans have their working boots on, even if Worker Ant doesn't. Another pumphandle but ARA rakes the eyes. This is very much just ARA doing moves around his opponent, such as a crossbody for two. ARA goes for the top rope... and gets "please be careful" chants because it's a low-roofed venue! ARA tosses him down and it's a double down. They do the yay-boo tired strike exchange thing, which annoys me because this match cannot have gone 5 minutes so far. Worker hits gentle forearms before ARA gets an eye rake again. Worker hits a wheelbarrow uranage, a chokeslam (notably, both moves that make the receiver do all the work).

Then, it's back to gently nudging ARA's face with his arm. ARA ducks a spinning elbow but eats a powerbomb for two. Worker returns to the pumphandle well, and drops it into a GTS for the win.

Wow, talk about one guy doing all the work. It's still easily one of the best matches so far this thread, but it's definitely not good, and that's Worker Ant's fault. Ironically, he's just not looking like a good worker.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #76
Worker Ant vs. Arctic Rescue Ant
CHIKARA The World Is Not Enough - July 20, 2014​

CHIKARA is an interesting promotion. A promotion where half the guys were playing quintuple duty with masked characters, some of the most bizarre and experimental storylines that US wrestling has ever seen, and also the place where Eddie Kingston was the first singles champion. This is apparently a bad match by CHIKARA standards. I don't know if this is an actually bad match or if the standard is higher. Let's find out! (For housekeeping, this is the second Worker Ant, who was previously assailANT, and Arctic Rescue Ant is the guy who wrestled outside of CHIKARA as Jixx.)

In the opening exchanges, ARA appears to be outpacing Worker Ant, who is moving with a lot less energy. ARA pretty much runs rings around him until Worker Ant hits a snake eyes and dumps him to the outside with a big boot. Dive is (slowly) teased, but ARA shuts Worker Ant down with a kick. ARA's dropkick gets two. Worker Ant looks slow and his strikes look weak. He goes for a pumphandle slam but ARA slips out and takes out his knee from behind. "That was cool" says one fan to an ARA bulldog. ARA does the leg part of a surfboard, but instead mimics skiing. That's a fun touch! "Let's go skiing" says one guy in the crowd. Probably the same guy.

"Learn the rules" chant after ARA argues with the ref over a grounded choke. The fans have their working boots on, even if Worker Ant doesn't. Another pumphandle but ARA rakes the eyes. This is very much just ARA doing moves around his opponent, such as a crossbody for two. ARA goes for the top rope... and gets "please be careful" chants because it's a low-roofed venue! ARA tosses him down and it's a double down. They do the yay-boo tired strike exchange thing, which annoys me because this match cannot have gone 5 minutes so far. Worker hits gentle forearms before ARA gets an eye rake again. Worker hits a wheelbarrow uranage, a chokeslam (notably, both moves that make the receiver do all the work).

Then, it's back to gently nudging ARA's face with his arm. ARA ducks a spinning elbow but eats a powerbomb for two. Worker returns to the pumphandle well, and drops it into a GTS for the win.

Wow, talk about one guy doing all the work. It's still easily one of the best matches so far this thread, but it's definitely not good, and that's Worker Ant's fault. Ironically, he's just not looking like a good worker.

Shall we call him the Ant-Khali?

 

[Alexa]

CHIKARA match

 

[Sky]

Entry #77
The Great Khali vs. Hornswoggle
WWE Survivor Series - November 18, 2007​

Survivor Series 2023 is tomorrow! And like last year, though unlike previous years, it doesn't look like anything will suck. Maybe if Santos/Carlito shits the bed, but that's a very low chance. It seems like pretty much every Survivor Series you can pick out something lame. And so it was this year. On the show with Batista/Undertaker Hell in a Cell, Orton/HBK and the Punk/Morrison/Miz triple threat... you had the kneeless wonder Great Khali vs. Vince's bastard son Hornswoggle. Something that would never be good, but Vince was probably losing his mind over, because what could be funnier than a 4-foot man standing next to a 7-foot man? This is somehow the debut of both of these men in this thread! There will be more.

We kick off with, obviously, Shane and then Vince McMahon getting their own entrances because that's what you need on a PPV. Swoggle's full name is apparently "Hornswoggle McMahon", so... who was the mother that hated her son so much? Swoggle's desperately trying to hold his nerve during Khali's entrance. He's then immediately looking betrayed when Vince and Shane get out of the ring and pull up some chairs. Ranjin Singh reminds us that this is a sanctioned WWE match for a staredown and the ref explaining the rules. "We want Shaq" chants... oh yeah, Shaq has ringside seats for this and the fans desperately want that to become relevant. It doesn't.

Bell rings... and Khali stands still, Swoggle has no idea what to do, and Vince threatens Shaq at ringside. Vince shuts down the "we want Shaq" chants, or at least tries. Swoggle takes his shirt off, rolls up his sleeves, and goes for a shin kick. It does nothing. After dropkicking Ranjin Singh, he goes for more shin kicks until Khali scares him off. On the outside, Swoggle mists Ranjin(???), jumps on him, and beats him down. Khali has done nothing yet. Khali tries to follow Swoggle out of the ring, but Swoggle escapes under the ring and emerges with a shillelagh. Khali catches the weapon, bats it away, and smacks Swoggle down. Shane is incensed. INCENSED, I tell you. Vise Grip from Khali, until Finlay shows up with a shillelagh of his own to draw the DQ. He beats up Khali and Ranjin and takes Swoggle away.

Okay, what was the point of that? A match with minimal moves, drama that falls flat, fans that only cared about the celebrity sports man in the front row, and nothing in the way of an actual ending.

 

[Alexa]

What was the point? Entertainment

 

[Rosie]

Entry #77
The Great Khali vs. Hornswoggle
WWE Survivor Series - November 18, 2007​

Okay, what was the point of that?

To entertain one MEEK-MA-HON!

 

[Sky]

Entry #78
Randy Orton (c) vs. Big Show
for the WWE Championship
WWE Survivor Series - November 24, 2013​

Survivor Series tonight! So, it's time for one more Survivor Series match, and... ughhhhhhh. I come to see bad matches, I made this thread for them, and yet this match is one I just KNOW I'll have to drag myself through. It's one I hate even on principle. WWE was trying to prove Daniel Bryan wasn't over, and part of that was to turn Big Show babyface and give him the "Yes" chants to prove anyone could have done that. That did NOT end up being proven. And yet, this was still the Survivor Series main event. Two of the most "methodical" (read: slow and often boring) wrestlers of their era, matched up. This is apparently only 11 minutes... it's gonna feel like 11 hours. I'm tempted to just skip this and review Mark Henry/Ryback on this show instead, but I know this is going to be something I have to drag myself through eventually.

Happy Smiling Babyface Big Show is genuinely unsettling and always will be. He looks like an oversized, misshapen puppy that you're dangling raw meat in front of constantly. Immediately Orton rolls out of the ring for a bit. He gets some kicks in, dodges a Show forearm... and then rolls out again! He runs away, but can't run away forever, and soon they're back in the ring and Orton's taking a chop from Show's enormous hand. We get the first Daniel Bryan chants during Big Show's offence, which involves some punches and standing on Orton's chest. What makes any of those punches different from the Literally Just A Punch that was his finish? We shall never know.

Show's dominating Orton seemingly just by Being Big, as he hits a clothesline and an elbow (mostly armpit) drop for two. As Show slaps Orton in the corner, the fans finally engage with the match and chant "One more time". Show hits a corner splash but Orton comes out with a dropkick. Orton stomps and gets a knee drop for two. The way Show tosses him off reminds me of the way Lawler tossed the mini-clowns off him. Orton establishes a front facelock, and turns it into a sleeper (how appropriate). Crowd are SILENT. Actually, scratch that, I hear "boring" chants. And "we want Bryan". "Hoof hearted" sign in the crowd. Show hits clotheslines, a shoulderblock, teases a chokeslam but Orton rolls out. "Take it home" chants begin as Show tosses Orton into steps.

Show tries to go to the top rope, Orton stops him, but can't hit the rope-hung DDT because the guy's just too big, so he pulls him off and hits a regular DDT instead. Orton tries for the RKO, Show counters and hits a chokeslam for two. Show seems distraught, but then he remembers the chokeslam isn't his finish anymore! He prepares the Literally Just A Punch but Orton rolls away. Show follows him outside and tries to toss Orton inside the ring. This bumps the ref because of fucking course it does. Orton teases going for a chair but Show bats it away. They then go over the barricade and to the outside, where Show hits one slap and immediately takes Orton back. The fuck kind of difference did that make?

Orton teases the DDT over the barricade but Show hits his punch! Show's rolling Orton in and about to follow, but the Authority's music hits, and like a video game character, Show's animation gets cancelled and he freezes just looking at the entrance ramp. This allows Orton to get an RKO and a punt (that misses by miles) for the win. Out comes John Cena with Big Gold and there's a staredown, because title unification. Yay?

That match felt empty. Unworthy of being a main event on even a Raw. Not actually horrible in a vacuum, but just... boring, and unpleasant in context.

 

[Sky]

Entry #79
Ryback vs. Mark Henry
WWE Survivor Series - November 24, 2013​

Okay, fuck it, while I'm here, let's do this match. At least it'll be shorter. So, Ryback comes out, promos on old people, and has an open challenge, which is code these days for "I want to lose to someone making a surprise return". And that someone making a surprise return is the newly-bald Mark Henry, who is coming back from one of his many, MANY injuries, with his most recent run being the one where he did the salmon jacket promo. That's something nice to think about. Rather than this match.

Ryback calls Mark Henry "Rick Ross" after the initial lockup, which would be funny if JBL on commentary hadn't said it first. There's some people chanting "Let's go Ryback". Henry takes Ryback down with a shoulderblock and attempts a powerslam, but Ryback takes out his knee from behind. A Ryback splash gets two. He then hits a suplex as "Goldberg" chants begin to echo. Ryback then misses a corner charge... but goes shoulder-first. Surely, if he were Goldberg, he'd take it on his head. (God, I'm going to have to watch Taker/Goldberg again for this thread.)

Henry hits a few headbutts but can't pin as Ryback gets a rope break. Ryback wipes out the knee again, but instead of working it more, slaps on a headlock. Because PSYCHOLOGY! Of course Henry fights out, clothesline, running powerslam for two. Ryback fights out of the World's Strongest Slam and hits a spinebuster. He brings the straps down, looking for his Meat Hook lariat, but runs into Henry's jumping body block. World's Strongest Slam, and that's it.

Very nondescript match, Henry was visibly broken down and Ryback's work was as always by-the-numbers.

 

[Sky]

Entry #80
Sabu vs. Dirtbike Kid
European Wrestling Association - July 7, 1995​

Okay, now we're going to do what I wanted to do today. A bit of a deep dive into the career lowlights of a strange figure in wrestling history. Dirtbike Kid is the name of an English spot monkey who apparently thought he was the hottest shit. His thing was that he wrestled in a full dirtbike suit. He trained under Bill Anderson, the guy who trained Sting, and you could NOT tell. He also had his own promotion that had 3 shows, all of them with him at the top. Including booking himself against Sabu, while just barely out of the first year of his career. Being a non-American indie match in 1995, this match only exists on a poor-quality handheld camera, so it may be harder to tell what's going on. Let's get into it!

Match starts with Sabu going for low dives and DBK dodging away from them. Eventually Sabu hits the leg, decapitates DBK with a clothesline, and starts working the leg again. Then a bulldog, then a springboard leg drop for two. Sabu applies a hammerlock as the crowd demands blood a minute in. A double chickenwing doesn't seem to do anything, so Sabu just breaks it, gives DBK a snake eyes, and applies the camel clutch early. DBK gets to the ropes, but is still being beaten down, including by a Sabu spin kick for a two-count. DBK fights up out of a headlock, slams Sabu, then goes for a moonsault but nobody's home. Sabu goes for a pin for two. Referee's counting really fast on this one.

Sabu works DBK's arm, and it's not lost on me that this early match has been mat-based holds. Not really playing to either man's strengths, but probably hiding DBK's weaknesses. Sabu hits a piledriver, then goes to the outside and grabs a chair (a wooden one). He hits DBK with it and then gets his step-up kick for two. He then goes for it again, knocking both to the outside for a double down. Once they're back in the ring, DBK goes for a spin kick but wipes himself out on it. DBK hits what I think is meant to be a back elbow but just smashes his shoulder into Sabu's chest. He goes for the pin but Sabu kicks out instantly. DBK then goes for the arm and then a headlock, but Sabu ignores both, and hits a knee drop that draws a rope break.

Sabu gets a wristlock and does a springboard move to wrench DBK's arm more. Then another springboard moonsault for two. More armwork until DBK knocks Sabu down with a dropkick. He then goes for what fans will in future call a Tope Con Hilo and falls visibly short. The ringside crowd obscures what's going on but presumably he falls flat on his face. They're fighting on the outside and I have no idea what's going on until Sabu goes back in for a suicide dive. I doubt DBK caught him properly. This gets a two-count, though. DBK hits a springboard moonsault for two. Sabu takes DBK off the top rope and rolls him into a not-particularly-clean-looking headscissors move to the outside. After that, he just waits.

When DBK's back in, Sabu tries a slingshot leg drop but DBK rolls away. DBK hits his own regular leg drop which isn't particularly forceful-looking, even by leg drop standards. DBK goes for a moonsault, but overshoots completely. I don't know exactly because of the fan camera, but I can imagine Sabu looking up like "dude, really??". Sabu hits a Frankensteiner, goes for the pin, but goes off it at two, seemingly to make DBK look weaker. He tries it again but DBK knocks him off and hits a crossbody for two. (The joy of spotfest wrestling: I'm not entirely sure whether that was a counter or just a botch.)

DBK kicks Sabu to the outside, and Sabu tries looking for a table. However, he takes so long that DBK BUMPS THE REFEREE just so Sabu can have enough time to pull one out. Eventually Sabu gets DBK on the table, goes for a slingshot dive to the outside... the table doesn't break! Then a slingshot leg drop... again, the table doesn't budge! They both crawl back in the ring, DBK gets his shoulder up at two, so Sabu hits an Arabian Facebuster and another springboard moonsault to finish it.

Honestly, this started out serviceable, which was what surprised me most about this. Not something I'd even consider putting at the top of the list. Then the high spots started, and DBK started botching them, and this match turned silly, with that stupid ending. Still a better watch than most of this thread, because I'm a sucker for high spots, but obviously no good.

 

[Sky]

Entry #81
Judge Dread/Dog/Rose vs. Don E. Allen/Dino Sandoff/Dirtbike Kid
ECW CyberSlam - February 17, 1996​

Apparently Sabu decided he liked this Dirtbike Kid guy well enough (or got paid well enough) that he invited him to do some dates in ECW. This is apparently the only one that got filmed, the opening match to ECW's CyberSlam event. He's in a six-man tag with a veritable "who's that" of 1990s eastern US indie guys. Hopefully it's not awful.

This starts off as a big old brawl because fuck entrances, right? Dread is dealing with our friend Dirtbike Kid while his partners are being beaten on by the Bad Crew (who, I only recently found out they had names, I remember them as just being Bad Crew 1 and Bad Crew 2 thanks to TEW). Fans are already demanding blood. Dread hits a spin kick then nails DBK with a kneeling gutbuster. The ECW fanbase is not receiving this match well, some even throwing garbage into the ring. One of Bad Crew hits Allen with a Tiger Driver, then Dread gives DBK a Snake Eyes. Joey Styles names DBK as a cross-sport athlete like Bob Holly! Bad Crew hits a Hart Attack for the win. Post-match Sandman comes in and canes everyone.

You know, this is going to sound weird, but... this match made me understand the ECW Zombie. They were trying to recapture the sort of thing that was happening here. They put on something that's not over, the fans trash it, huge pop as one of their fan favourites cleans house (originally 911 chokeslamming dudes, and later Sandman caning dudes). It didn't work in WWECW because it happened in front of WWE fans rather than ECW fans. The bad shit gets silence, and then Sandman gets more silence because the WWE fans don't know these guys. But I digress. This was just a random jobber vs. jobber match that didn't go 2 minutes.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #76
Worker Ant vs. Arctic Rescue Ant
CHIKARA The World Is Not Enough - July 20, 2014​

CHIKARA is an interesting promotion. A promotion where half the guys were playing quintuple duty with masked characters, some of the most bizarre and experimental storylines that US wrestling has ever seen, and also the place where Eddie Kingston was the first singles champion. This is apparently a bad match by CHIKARA standards. I don't know if this is an actually bad match or if the standard is higher. Let's find out! (For housekeeping, this is the second Worker Ant, who was previously assailANT, and Arctic Rescue Ant is the guy who wrestled outside of CHIKARA as Jixx.)

In the opening exchanges, ARA appears to be outpacing Worker Ant, who is moving with a lot less energy. ARA pretty much runs rings around him until Worker Ant hits a snake eyes and dumps him to the outside with a big boot. Dive is (slowly) teased, but ARA shuts Worker Ant down with a kick. ARA's dropkick gets two. Worker Ant looks slow and his strikes look weak. He goes for a pumphandle slam but ARA slips out and takes out his knee from behind. "That was cool" says one fan to an ARA bulldog. ARA does the leg part of a surfboard, but instead mimics skiing. That's a fun touch! "Let's go skiing" says one guy in the crowd. Probably the same guy.

"Learn the rules" chant after ARA argues with the ref over a grounded choke. The fans have their working boots on, even if Worker Ant doesn't. Another pumphandle but ARA rakes the eyes. This is very much just ARA doing moves around his opponent, such as a crossbody for two. ARA goes for the top rope... and gets "please be careful" chants because it's a low-roofed venue! ARA tosses him down and it's a double down. They do the yay-boo tired strike exchange thing, which annoys me because this match cannot have gone 5 minutes so far. Worker hits gentle forearms before ARA gets an eye rake again. Worker hits a wheelbarrow uranage, a chokeslam (notably, both moves that make the receiver do all the work).

Then, it's back to gently nudging ARA's face with his arm. ARA ducks a spinning elbow but eats a powerbomb for two. Worker returns to the pumphandle well, and drops it into a GTS for the win.

Wow, talk about one guy doing all the work. It's still easily one of the best matches so far this thread, but it's definitely not good, and that's Worker Ant's fault. Ironically, he's just not looking like a good worker.

Wow, there were quite a few ants. Was there also Sign Guy Ant, Big Dick Ant, Dances With Ants, and Ant Ant?

And you mention the low ceiling venue, I went to an indie show once that was at a bar. There was an I-beam hanging over the center of the ring and anytime the wrestlers ran from corner to corner they had to duck.

 

[Sky]

Wow, there were quite a few ants. Was there also Sign Guy Ant, Big Dick Ant, Dances With Ants, and Ant Ant?

And you mention the low ceiling venue, I went to an indie show once that was at a bar. There was an I-beam hanging over the center of the ring and anytime the wrestlers ran from corner to corner they had to duck.

The original ant stable was The Colony: Fire Ant (a.k.a. Orange Cassidy), Soldier Ant (Drew Gulak), Worker Ant, Green/Silver Ant (Tracy Williams), and Carpenter/Pink Ant (Pinkie Sanchez).

The Swarm were their evil counterparts: assailANT, deviANT (Isaias Velazquez) and combatANT (Alex Reynolds).

In 2013 CHIKARA's out-of-touch on-screen authority introduced a new, cooler Colony called the Colony Xtreme Force: Arctic Rescue Ant (Jixx), Orbit Adventure Ant (Chuck Taylor), and Missile Assault Ant (who later turned into Missile Assault Man).

assailANT became the second Worker Ant, and then they added a second Green Ant and Thief Ant. Green Ant II and Thief Ant went on to work the indies as Ultimo Ant and Electro Ant.

And yeah I hear you on low ceilings. A recent show I went to had one of the guys get stuck on the top rope because of a low ceiling (it was a comedy match so probably intentional).

 

[Sky]

Entry #82
The Great Sasuke vs. Dirtbike Kid
Michinoku Pro 2nd Fukumen World League - July 29, 1999​

And here's why people still talk about Dirtbike Kid today. For some reason, DBK got invited to this prestigious tournament for masked wrestlers, despite (1) not being very good, and (2) not really being a masked wrestler. The only mask he'd be seen wearing is that little face guard that bikers wear under their helmets. And his first match was against the Great Sasuke, you know, the guy who owned the place. It went wrong, but how? Let's find out.

A camera pan-out reveals that DBK has been given a new mask for this occasion. And then... he takes it off, choosing to stick with the aforementioned face guard. He's also wearing the EWA European Junior Heavyweight Title belt (because yeah... he gave himself a belt). DBK starts with the edge, hitting a back body drop and tossing Sasuke to the outside so he can hit a Tope con Hilo. Back in the ring, he hits a double axe handle off the top that looks like it misses. A Michinoku Driver gets two. Sasuke is underselling DBK's strikes. A headscissors move gets a one-count, and then a splash gets two. DBK then tries a frog splash (seriously, is this match just a series of high spots DBK can do?) but Sasuke rolls away.

Sasuke's like "fuck this" now, and starts just shoot kicking DBK as hard as he can. One gets him in the ribs, and if you believe DBK, he had a rib injury at the time, so that's low. He's in a crumpled heap as Sasuke just keeps putting the boots in. Then there's a front choke. DBK just doesn't bother fighting (because apparently the match was meant to be short anyway, and he can barely fucking breathe) but Sasuke thinks he's no-selling and legit chokes him out. Jesus.

That was uncomfortable. I went in having heard of this match's reputation and expecting to see DBK showing off and getting put in his place, but came out seeing Sasuke legitimately trying to hurt someone. I've heard the guy had a short fuse sometimes, but fuck. This was not worth the watch.