Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Jay-Ashley]

That match will forever hurt given the state Jake was in

 

[Storm Trooper]

I just like to think that at least he is clean and sober now.

But I can't understand how anyone allows someone who is clearly not sober wrestle. Hell why did the other guys even get in the ring Jake could have killed them.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #108
Abyss vs. Grado
Monster's Ball Match
Impact Bound for Glory - November 5, 2017​

And now with that unpleasant thought out of the way, let's go back to some matches I had lined up before I started Heroes of Wrestling. And this time it's the runback of Abyss/Grado (yes, this match was a runback). Part of the story here was that Grado had to win, or Joseph Park would tear up his visa and he'd be sent back home. Really interesting angle to run when you've had a match (Rosemary/Taya in First Blood) booted off the show because of a visa issue, but okay. With the way immigration policy's going in the world these days, I won't be surprised if that becomes a regular thing: you won't get deported if you can survive trial by combat with a homicidal maniac. But I digress. This was remembered as a bad match. Is it? Let's find out.

Abyss is in the worst era of his mask, like a latter-day Kane mask with a frown moulded into it. That's not how masks work. Grado's out in full Mick Foley mode. Abyss insults Canada because he is The Heel, and like he did nearly 2 years prior, trashes Grado's bum-bag. And then they do EXACTLY THE SAME SPOT they did previously to start the match, with Grado dancing and kicking Abyss right in his Janice-and-Bobs. In fact, I'll pull up the old review and try to point out all the things that are the same as they did in the 2016 match.

After a bit of an initial pounding, Grado goes out to toss in the weapons (same spot #2). Abyss tries to use a staple gun on Grado but can't (in the 2016 match it was a cheese grater so I won't count it). Grado makes the oft-repeated rookie mistake of trying to sunset flip a larger man and gets a staple in his face. Barbed wire boards tossed into the ring. Abyss yanks out some guardrail so he can prop a barbed wire board between it and the apron, teases chokeslamming Grado into it, but Grado fights out (same spot #3). Grado tries to charge Abyss but gets tossed into the guardrail. Abyss pulls out the thumbtack bag, teases putting Grado into the tacks, but Grado responds with a cheese grater to the balls (same spot #4).

Grado with a series of garbage can shots. He then goes to the top rope, but Abyss tosses the garbage can at his face and sends him through the propped-up barbed wire board from earlier (same spot #5). Grado's back goes mostly not into the barbed wire, but into the floor. Crowd chants "holy shit" like they haven't seen One Night Only: Live 2016 (which, to be fair, they haven't). Abyss rolls Grado back in, and pulls out his beloved Janice, and swings it at Grado, but gets it stuck in the turnbuckle (same spot #6). Grado's rallying, punches and a Bionic Elbow, then bends a kendo stick over Abyss' back.

Cut to Laurel Van Ness in the crowd, for some reason. Oh yeah, she was meant to marry Grado but it turned out Grado was only trying to stay in the US and LVN was Canadian so it wouldn't work out. Bit of a dick move. Abyss teases a chokeslam into the barbed wire, but Grado fights out and delivers a Wee Boot that sends Abyss into it (same spot #7). Grado sandwiches him between two barbed wire boards and splashes him, but Abyss kicks out at two (same spot #8).

Grado's about to use Janice but then LVN comes out and kicks him right in his deep-fried Mars bar. She hits an Unprettier and punches away. Then she grabs Janice but... the lights go out! Rosemary shows up and gives LVN a face full of red mist! Abyss stares down Rosemary, tries to chokeslam her, but she manages to calm him down. Rosemary then tries to mist Grado, but Grado ducks and she mists Abyss instead! Abyss blindly chokeslams Rosemary into tacks, Grado rolls him up...

The bell rings, but the ref says it's only two. That's a bit lame, would have been a satisfying finish if that happened. Was there miscommunication there? Well, anyway. Abyss tries to chokeslam Grado into barbed wire, Grado fights out, but Abyss hits one of the worst Black Hole Slams you will ever see to finish it and write Grado off.

Most of this match was... not too bad. It's the same as the One Night Only match for most of it, but that's one of its flaws, that I've seen it all before. Then the sports entertainment-y stuff happens, and that's when the match falls down. I'm all for shenanigans, but you don't tease what could have been a really cool finish, botch so no one's sure if the match is over, then end it with a deflating heel win. That just sucks.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #109
The Corre (Wade Barrett/Ezekiel Jackson/Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater) vs. Big Show/Kane/Kofi Kingston/Santino Marella
WWE WrestleMania XXVII - April 3, 2011​

And next up... all the bad matches on WrestleMania 27's card that didn't involve Michael Cole or Jerry Lawler! We start with a match that WWE really wanted us to think would be even. Sure, the babyface team is full of established talent, but the Corre team has the current Intercontinental Champion, the current Unified World Tag Team Champions, and the last ever ECW Champion! Totally even! Probably would have been more even if Vladimir Kozlov had appeared in this match as planned, but no, the Corre attacked him and now Kofi's replacing him. Straight upgrade, right there.

The Corre get no reaction. We kick off with Santino vs. Heath, battle of the jokes. Heath mounts Santino and punches him. Then Santino does his split-legged dodge (awesome), a hip toss, and tags in Show. Show just uses his entire body to bounce Heath about. He teases the chokeslam but is blindsided by Ezekiel Jackson. Kane comes in off the top with a throat thrust, which he also delivers to Gabriel. Barrett kicks Kane down but Kofi comes in with a Trouble in Paradise. Kofi gives a crossbody to Jackson on the outside while Santino and Show topple Heath with a Cobra into a Literally Just A Punch for the win.

Well, that sure was a squash of four young talent! Sure enough, within a month, the Show/Kane tandem had taken the tag straps, Barrett started feuding with his former teammates, and the Corre was soon becoming just another memory. Pointless content.

 

[Death By Looch]

Only good thing about this was they all got a Mania paycheck for it... but yea, I don't know why the fuck they did that shit. It was the third match on the Main Show card and it felt like they already knew beforehand, that they'll get into time troubles with the show.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #110
John Morrison/Trish Stratus/Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler/Layla/Michelle McCool
WWE WrestleMania XXVII - April 3, 2011​

We skip ahead, past Lawler/Cole (thank fuck, never again) to the cooldown match between Taker/HHH and the main event. And it involved five people who deserved better and the fucking Jersey Shore woman. As if it wasn't bad enough that JWoww and Angelina were both showing up on TNA, Snooki was taking a spot at the Grandest Stage of Them All. Hey, at least Jersey Shore wasn't running directly against WrestleMania. Reminder: Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus (the original) got bumped off this show, got turned into a battle royal, and both got fed to the Great Khali. Yet they still found time for, for example: a Mae Young skit; a singing contest featuring Snoop Dogg and several people who didn't have matches; the Rock coming out as host and cutting a 15-minute-long promo on Cena; and of course, Cole/Lawler. This is why everyone thought US wrestling was dying before Punk's pipebomb.

Vickie Guerrero's out first, to shout-announce Ziggler as usual. Best babyface reaction is Trish. Best heel reaction is, funnily enough, Snooki herself (who comes out to LMFAO's "Get Crazy", which I recognised more as one of the default songs in Tap Tap Revenge 3 than as the theme to Jersey Shore. Does that make me sad and out of touch?). LayCool start the fighting by awkwardly catfighting with Trish and Snooki until the men pull them apart. Ziggler tells Snooki she doesn't belong in the ring. Snooki slaps him for being right.

We start out with Trish, and... well, LayCool can't decide who gets to go first. This is of course the end days of LayCool, and also of Michelle McCool's career. Michelle comes in, shoves Trish, and takes some chops. Trish does a Matrix dodge but Michelle stomps her down. Michelle teases the Faith Breaker but Trish lifts herself up into a somewhat sloppy facebuster. Michelle mounts the top rope, Trish goes for a headscissors, Michelle counters into what seems to be a rope-mounted Boston Crab... Trish lifts herself up AGAIN, and they fight each other so hard they fall hard off the top rope to the floor. Layla tries to make it a 2-on-1 but Trish cleans her up and hits a double clothesline off the apron.

Michelle kicks Layla off the apron by mistake and Trish rolls her up for two. Chick Kick would win it, but Ziggler breaks it up. Morrison comes in to wipe out Ziggler and delivers Starship Pain to the floor. Nice move, shame that it missed. Trish tags in Snooki, who gets booed like she's Roman Reigns in 2016. Snooki then hits a handspring elbow/hip attack (which surprises the crowd) and follows up with a cartwheel falling splash for the win. Notably, post-match, Morrison is avoiding Trish because he thinks she's taking Melina's spot at WrestleMania. Yeah, Trish is taking the spot. Not the Jersey Shore woman.

Well, that was better than I thought it would be, though certainly not great. They used Snooki well, which is a sentence I never thought I'd say. Some of the Michelle/Trish offense was a little hairy, but it's Michelle McCool with a long-retired veteran, that's to be expected.

 

[Rosie]

I remember earlier in the year, might of been on one of the first Raw's of the year, Morrison gave The Miz probably his best match as WWE Champion in a FCA match. I'm honestly surprised they didn't have him vs The Miz at least for a PPV between his win and Mania. Morrison in this time probably deserved a lot better as he was part of the IC title scene on Smackdown in 2009 which was a hidden gem with Jericho, Rey, Ziggler challenging for it, him, and then ending the year with Drew, probably one of the few times for a long while that the IC title felt respectable. But also him slighting Trish is not exactly something which did him favours.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #111
The Miz (c) vs. John Cena
for the WWE Championship
WWE WrestleMania XXVII - April 3, 2011​

If there's ever been a contrast between a match's hype package and the match itself, I've never seen it. The legendary "Hate Me Now" package, which is still remembered to this day, was used to promote a match that's often said to be one of the worst ever Mania main events. How could it not be? It's Cena vs. Miz. Let's see what the damage is.

Miz comes out (first) from between giant inflatable "AWESOME" letters flanked by his biggest fan Alex Riley. Cena gets a full gospel choir in what feels like WWE's appeal to fans saying PLEASE CHEER THIS MAN. It doesn't work. Lock-up to start, and Miz gets a headlock but Cena tosses him off. Miz gets another headlock and a shoulderblock, but Cena dodges him while running and gets a hip toss off. Cena headlock, but Miz pushes to the ropes and somehow manages to bring him down with one punch. Miz whips Cena into the corner and gets a fast running clothesline for two. Cena takes some punches but hits a gutwrench side slam for two of his own. Miz hits a Side Effect for two. This is already dragging.

Miz charges Cena in the corner for the clothesline again but Cena ducks and Miz crashes and burns. A Cena guillotine leg drop gets two. Then it's Cena's turn to miss a corner charge, and a Miz kick gets another two-count. Then a big boot and another two. After a bit of Cena stumbling and Miz punching, they do a spot where Miz ducks under an onrushing Cena, but they mistime it, Cena trips, and just flops on the mat. Miz dropkicks him out, puts him back on the apron to hit a knee lift, then rolls him back in for two. What the hell was the point of that?

Miz tries a full nelson, but Cena fights out and goes into his sequence. Shoulderblock, shoulderblock, side spinout powerbomb, Five Knuckle Shuffle. Crowd starts booing immediately at the first shoulderblock because they know what's coming. Cena goes for the AA but Miz drops off and hits a DDT for two. A "Let's go Miz" chant actually starts. Cena gets a drop toe hold and looks to convert into the STF but Miz kicks off, and transitions a kneeling backbreaker into a neckbreaker. That needs a name. If a backbreaker into Flatliner is a Lethal Combination, what's the thing Miz does called? Riley tries to distract the referee so Miz can pull the turnbuckle pad, but the referee notices him. And then when the referee's reattaching the pad, Cena gets a visual pinfall that the ref misses.

Miz tries to mash Cena's face into the exposed buckle. Cena goes for the AA but Miz grabs the rope. Cena locks in the STF but Miz slowly but surely crawls to the rope. While the ref's checking on Miz, Riley attacks Cena and pushes him into the turnbuckle. Skull-Crushing Finale, but Cena kicks out at 2.9 because, you know, he's John Cena. Miz goes for another SCF but Cena tosses him off. Which bumps the referee because of fucking course it does. Cena hits the AA and another visual pinfall. While the ref's down, Riley hits Cena with his briefcase (why does Riley have a grey briefcase? I looked it up and it's because they wanted to do briefcase shot spots even after the Miz cashed in MitB) and Miz gets a 2.99 count again.

Riley gets into it with the referee, and Miz grabs the briefcase, but Cena ducks and Miz hits Riley by mistake. Cena hits the AA, Miz gets a last-millisecond kick-out of his own, and this gets a POP. Miz tries to run out with his title intact, but Cena clotheslines him over the barricade. Then Cena tackles Miz back over the barricade, and Miz's head hits concrete with a nasty thud and bounce. (He's said in interviews that he got concussed and doesn't remember this match.) Both men are down, ref starts counting... the main event of Wrestle Fucking Mania ends in a double count-out. Fuck off.

Wait a minute, Rock comes out! And BRING BRING AND I QUOTE, as Rock gets to read an Anonymous RAW GM announcement. "As RAW GM, I think..." IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, Rock tosses the laptop, and announces the match will be restarted. Cena rolls a concussed Miz into the ring, motions for the AA but Miz grabs the ropes. All of a sudden, Rock hits a Rock Bottom on him! Miz crawls over and pins Cena for the three. So, instead of ending in a double count-out, the main event of WrestleMania 27 was an advertisement for WrestleMania 28. Post-match, Rock beats up Miz, spinebuster, People's Elbow, and that's the closing shot of Mania.

There's a lot that can be said about that match. For example, that match was essentially a typical Cena main event with less waiting around, though it only made the space between Standard Cena Spots feel more rushed and superfluous. It ended with stupid shenanigans to set up a match that wouldn't happen for a year. And the cardinal sin of a wrestling match: no one got over! Cena looks like a chump, Miz looks like a paper champion, and the Rock looks like an opportunistic dick. Needless to say: not a fan.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #112
Marcus Alexander Bagwell vs. Scotty Flamingo
WCW WrestleWar - May 17, 1992​

Remember when I talked about WrestleWar '92? Feels like a while back, right? Despite having THE WarGames match in Sting's Squadron vs. Dangerous Alliance, it is certainly not a great show, and that's thanks to stuff like this on the undercard. Funny how things change: in the early 90s, WCW was known for having dogshit undercards and great main events, whereas at their late 90s peak, it was the other way around. To be fair, this show did have Pillman/Z-Man and Steiner Brothers awesomeness, so it's not all bad, but there is quite a bit of bad. Like this, the third match on the card! It features Buff Bagwell! That's a warning sign!

I swear Bagwell got the idea for his future gimmick from young Raven here, it looks like the boomer idea of what a "cool dude" might be. Scotty stalls by stripping. We start with some long lock-ups. Energetic lock-ups, but still lock-ups. Then they have a slap fight. Scotty tackles Bagwell, then tosses him to the outside, but doesn't expect him to get up right away! Bagwell goes for ground-and-pound. More slapping, Bagwell avoids a Scotty back body drop and hits a big right hand. Bagwell hits a back suplex for two. Hey, I may have spoken too soon, this is actually decent.

Scotty goes for a vertical suplex but Bagwell counters for two. Scotty does something that looks really mistimed, but it trips Bagwell out of the ring. Scotty tries a running knee lift, but Bagwell hooks the leg and rolls over for two. Scotty hits a back suplex, though Bagwell doesn't jump enough so it looks weak. He then hits a fist drop for two. Chinlock, lasts for about 30 seconds, Bagwell tries to fight out but Scotty yanks him back down by the hair. Scotty grounded choke, repeated pin attempts, then back to the chinlock. Bagwell fights out this time. Exchange of shoulderblocks, Scotty goes for a crossbody but ends up bundling them both out of the ring.

Back in the ring, Bagwell busts Scotty's face on the mat. He lands a hip toss, clothesline, and a few big rights. A back elbow ragdolls Scotty in probably the best sell of the match. Fisherman suplex, but Scotty gets to the rope. In the corner, Bagwell rolls through, Scotty counters, gets a handful of tights, and wins this.

It's a very nothing match between two guys who (1) are green and (2) aren't challenging for anything, and there were a couple of botches, but honestly, I kind of vibe to a lot of this. This is going near the top...

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #113
Ron Simmons vs. Mr. Hughes
WCW WrestleWar - May 17, 1992​

Next match on the WrestleWar card is one that was hastily rescheduled. It's meant to be a tag team match with Simmons teaming with Junkyard Dog and Hughes teaming with Cactus Jack, but Cactus jumps JYD during his entrance and injures him. Good call honestly, JYD is very much too old for this shit by 1992, and was never a ring general in the first place. The question is: why not make it Simmons/Cactus? I get the feeling that would be an improvement. (Just checking: they apparently already ran this at SuperBrawl II. Good to know.) Mr. Hughes is one of those guys I don't really care about. Let's see how he does against Ron Simmons.

Simmons is teamed by Hughes and Cactus initially but clotheslines them both down. Hughes starts the match with an eye rake, tries to take control, but Simmons clotheslines him again. Hughes eats a hip toss and has to rest out of the ring. Hughes looks for a test of strength, waits for Simmons to respond (which takes a while), and punches him. A Hughes clothesline and elbow drop gets two, as does a slam and knee drop. The thing about Hughes is, he's quite slow. He goes for a rope choke, then looks quite unsteady on his feet as he goes for kicks. Another rope choke. Simmons becomes one of the few men in wrestling to successfully sunset flip a larger man, but it doesn't help him get the edge.

A referee distraction spot happens where Cactus Jack punches Simmons while he's on the ropes. More rope choking. Simmons gets a hip toss but before he can press an advantage, Cactus distracts the referee. Doesn't seem to have allowed Hughes to do anything more effectual than a punch and elbow. Now, MORE rope choking! Hughes goes for a running knee but Simmons dodges away and Hughes crotches himself on the ropes. Clothesline, back body drop, but Hughes goes to the eyes. Simmons does his best to hit the spinebuster, but Cactus prevents a pinfall by getting in the way. Simmons shoulderblocks Cactus, then clips Hughes' knee for the three.

Boring, really. I was hoping at least for a big Ron Simmons feat of strength, but we didn't really get that, Hughes didn't go up far on the spinebuster.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #114
Richard Morton vs. Big Josh
WCW WrestleWar - May 17, 1992​

For our final match on WCW WrestleWar, we have the return of the lumberjack! This was meant to be Big Josh vs. the Diamond Studd, but Scott Hall held up the company for more money to job on PPV. This would, interestingly enough, be Josh's last appearance on WCW PPV anyway, as by the summer, he was gone and preparing to debut the original heel version of Doink in the WWF. And you also have Richard Morton, who is... uh... heel? I honestly have no idea why they turned Ricky Morton heel. He's just not a heel. He's really not a singles guy either.

Like, for example, this. The Ricky Morton I know isn't a coward who ducks through the ropes to avoid conflict. Josh uses his power, and a shoulderblock gets two. He then gets Morton down for probably one of the stupidest spots that should be left in the past forever... a BIG WALK. He calls it the "Log Roll" apparently, but it's just standing on your opponent. Morton gets a knee lift and lips Josh's Standard Lumberjack Check Shirt. Josh hammers away in the corner and topples Morton with a forearm. Morton dodges a Josh running elbow and hits a back suplex. Morton hits an inverted atomic drop, which Josh sells on the tailbone, as if an inverted atomic drop isn't just a knee to the Paul Bunyans.

Morton tries to roll through off the ropes but Josh grabs the top rope to stop the pin. Josh then misses an elbow and gets pinned for two. They punch a bit in the corner, then Morton hits a knee drop for a two-count. Morton takes control of the left arm, but Josh eventually fights out, reads a monkey flip attempt by Morton and stomps him in the head. Josh manages to hit his elbow for two. Morton continues to weaken the arms. Josh regains control by kicking Morton as he goes for a back body drop. Belly-to-belly suplex followed by a butterfly suplex gets two for Josh. Morton goes for the eyes, tries a crossbody, but Josh catches him. Inverted atomic drop (right in the Rock 'n' Roll Express), axe handle, Northern Exposure, finish... or is it? Bill Alfonso only counts two, but that's the finish, so Josh is declared the winner anyway.

By-the-numbers action collides with a weird finish botch.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #115
The Ultimate Warrior (c) vs. Andre the Giant
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF Saturday Night's Main Event XXIV - November 25, 1989​

When in doubt, go to a Worst Match of the Year, right? Here we have the opening match from a Saturday Night's Main Event in Topeka, Kansas. I say the opening match, but there was Randy Savage vs. Jim Duggan and Roddy Piper vs. Rick Rude that never got broadcast. It features late-stage Andre the Giant, and the Ultimate Warrior. Who's going to carry this match? Who knows? Here it is.

Long stare-down, Warrior seems scared to approach. He starts shaking the ropes, Andre gets him with a right palm, then starts choking him in the corner. Then choking him on the rope. When he comes back in, he starts to choke Andre with the strap of his singlet. The ropes are dangerously close to breaking as Warrior pushes Andre against them... but Andre dodges and Warrior misses a clothesline. Back in the ring, Andre locks the arms. For about a minute. Warrior slowly, slowly, fights out, clotheslines Andre, then basically tells Andre to fall backwards and go through the ropes, which he does.

By the time we come back from commercial, Andre hasn't made it back into the ring, trying to drag himself up by the ref's trouser leg. Warrior approaches, Andre gets a throat thrust, then starts choking on the bottom rope. Back in the ring, Warrior goes for a bearhug, just so Andre will feel at home, presumably. Andre breaks it with his DEVASTATING NERVE HOLD followed by a headbutt. Warrior goes for a corner splash while Andre isn't upright so he just bounces off. Andre goes for a long bearhug of his own, then grabs Warrior's tights and headbutts him in the midsection. Warrior punches Andre in the stomach, makes his comeback, but Andre breaks it by grabbing the hair.

Andre gets tangled in the ropes. Warrior charges him but runs into a slowly-raised boot. Heenan grabs the belt and comes in to hit Warrior with it, but Warrior overcomes him. He tosses Heenan on to Andre, and that's a DQ apparently because Heenan was in the ring in the first place. Warrior retains.

If you like mostly-immobile big guys going for rope chokes before a DQ win... well, hello, Vince McMahon, how have you been in your new role? Still, there's nothing to say about this match, it's just another sad example of Andre's twilight.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #116
Team Bodyguards (Dominic Menaldi/Scott Putski/Steve Cox/Marc Valiant/Bo Vegas/Devon Michaels) vs. Team Bandits (Firebreaker Chip/John Hawk/Alex Porteau/Guido Falcone/Rod Price/Shawn Summers)
Football Match
CWA Bodyguards vs. Bandits - January 5, 1996​

One of my absolute FAVOURITE obscure wrestling trivia is this one, and I'm glad I finally get to watch it in full now. This is going to require a LOT of explanation. The CWA that produced this event is the Confederate Wrestling Alliance, a promotion that was running the Sportatorium after GWF died. This is their only PPV, and as far as I know, their only filmed match. Yes, the PPV was just this match, a 12-man tag with weird American football-based scoring rules. This was done at the behest of the friends of one Dominic Menaldi, so-called "world's greatest bodyguard" (he once protected Gorbachev!) and owner of an actual castle in Huntingdon Beach, California which he opened for Halloween tours every year. I'm not making that up. This, I can tell, is going to be one of those matches that's stupid, and hopefully it's in a way that's fun.

Of course, this being one match, they're going to pad it out with interviews. With all of the wrestlers. Menaldi is a charisma vacuum. John Hawk is the young JBL. Firebreaker Chip not only has a moustache now, he has a title. If DFW area wrestling has fallen so hard that Firebreaker Chip is holding a title, we're all doomed. There's also a bit where we get a tour of Alcatraz for some reason. Our commentary team is Texas radio personality Doyle King, former champion boxer Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini, and former WCCW Texas Heavyweight Champion, Angel of Death. The Bodyguards and Bandits are coached by Ivan Putski and Gen. Skandor Akbar, respectively. Also cornering the Bandits is some guy called "Hassan the Assassin" about whom I know nothing. There's a bit of time wasted as the ref struggles to get everyone out of the ring.

First Quarter

We kick off with Putski vs. Porteau. For a pre-taped show (this came out in February), this is horribly audio-mixed. I can barely hear the commentary. Porteau oversells a right hand to a comedic degree. In comes Hawk, whose first act is to fall on to Putski. Heels drag Putski's tights to corner him for Hawk, and when the faces come over to complain, it creates a referee distraction so they can work over him more. Camera work is dire, missing a lot of Putski's counter-offence. Price tries to enter the ring for no reason. In comes Devon Michaels, who controls Hawk's arm. Hawk gets up and starts his brawling offence, but misses a corner charge so Michaels can go back to arm work.

Now Price in for the heels, who gets wristlocked so Valiant can deliver an axe handle to the arm. Valiant starts working the arm too. It's nowhere near as static and immobile as, say, Snuka vs. Orton... but it's still pretty slow-paced. The commentators talk about four 15-minute quarters, and I realise what I've gotten myself into. Price falls through the ropes and the heels appeal for 3 points for an over-the-top-rope DQ. Oh yeah, it's back when that rule wasn't considered nonsense. Steve Cox hits an exploder suplex. He then seems to be going for a spear, but doesn't go down with the opponent and instead just lets Price drop off him.

In comes Chip who jawjacks with the faces and the fans for about a minute before starting against the atrociously-mulleted Bo Vegas. There's a bit of brawling, to which the referee takes exception. Bo hits a back body drop and clothesline (he reminds me a lot of the Ultimate Warrior in his offence), and Chip tries to call a time-out. In comes Guido Falcone. Bo tags in to Michaels his partner, and now Guido's scared. More tights-holding for Guido to get offence. Michaels hits a back body drop which commentary calls a suplex. Michaels works Guido's arm some. He then misses a corner charge, and Guido Falcone (or "Marconi" as commentary says) gets a clothesline for two. The clothesline gets an INSTANT REPLAY

Next up is Shawn Summers for the heels, who is "the Beach Boy". Can't think of a Beach Boy I'd like to see less, except maybe Mike Love. He gets some shots, but in comes Putski, who's a house on fire (well, a house that's slightly singed). Putski's backbreaker gets two, as does a powerslam. Summers is underselling. Valiant tags in (with his boot, on Summers) and hits a double clothesline and an elbow drop for two. Valiant runs into the heels' corner by accident and is roughed up. This creates chaos outside, the ref's blowing away at his whistle, and no infractions are given. We're down to Putski and Price. Price hits a leg drop, but Putski is saved by the bell, which rings before the ref can even count one. That's the end. Of the FIRST quarter. Of FOUR. I've got to drag myself through three more of that.

Second Quarter

This quarter starts with Price vs. Valiant. It's power on power, and all very, very generic. Price dominates Valiant, then throws him to the wolves on the outside. You'd think there'd be a rule against that, but no. Porteau is in here now, and he appears to be joining the no-sell squad judging by how he powers out of a Valiant sleeper and gives him a back suplex. Valiant goes for a small package but Hawk comes in to make the save. There's a hip toss attempt but Hawk doesn't get with the programme and just falls on his face. Credit to Valiant, though, he transitions it into an armbar to save it a bit. Guido's in and has limited offence. He gets sunset flipped by Valiant, but gets up, tags in Chip, and helps him with a double elbow for two.

Chip's pounding away. Ref is blowing his whistle for no reason at this point. Guido's back in, hitting a shitty clothesline. Now Porteau, working the leg. Finally we get a hot tag to Bo Vegas, who hits his two moves (back body drop and clothesline) followed by a monkey flip with zero spring to it. Porteau counters the second monkey flip attempt. In comes Shawn Summers briefly, and then Chip. Chip hits a Vader Bomb for two. Abdominal stretch, then tag in to Price. There's an obvious cut in the footage where a Price suplex attempt or something is completely gone, Bo teleports to the mat. Hawk hits a Russian legsweep for two. A series of referee distractions allow the heels to be choking Bo constantly. Hawk misses the jump-at-the-ropes thing (I forgot the name of it) but grabs Bo's ankle so he can't tag.

Now Chip again. whose only contribution is to put on a butterfly hold and tag in Guido. Here is where Dom Menaldi gets physical for the first time, clattering into Guido before the referee sends him away. Another poor Guido clothesline for two. Now Menaldi comes in legally, but he's clearly only been trained a tiny bit. He can barely do a proper lock-up. His main contribution is hugging with Guido. Hawk comes in, gives Menaldi a few stiff strikes, then goes in to Porteau who does a snapmare. Devon Michaels is tagged in (how, I don't know, because they cut to the crowd). In comes Chip after that. Chip fakes a knee injury, and takes advantage of Michaels' sympathy to get him with a small package for the first points scored of the match. It's 7 points for a pinfall, so... (Bodyguards 0-7 Bandits)

Michaels vs. Hawk now, and somehow Michaels seems to be overpowering the big man. He's got him in a headlock, but Hawk pushes him over and tags in Price. Price is now controlling Michaels, and starts to work the arm. There seems to be another Bandits pin coming, but the ref stops the pin seemingly because Chip held on to his shoe. Guido Falcone tries a backslide but ends up backslidden himself. The bell rings, and it's half-time.

And that half-time is spent on a rubbish Alcatraz-themed music video, and an interview with a guy who was previously locked up there. Why bother? Who ordered this show? There's an ad for other sports-themed videos, including with "America's Greatest Greco-Roman Wrestler" Dennis Koslowski. That's a name I didn't expect to see, and a nickname that really ages this show. Only later that year, Kurt Angle would win gold with a broken freakin' neck.

Third Quarter (Score: 0-7)

Kicking off with Chip vs. Michaels. Chip goes for a beating in the corner, then goes for a crossbody, but Michaels rolls through and ties up the score with a three-count out of nowhere! (Bodyguards 7-7 Bandits) The heels are PISSED. Double tag so it's now Bo Vegas vs. Shawn Summers. Summers goes for another beating in the corner, but Bo also fights back! Hip toss and back elbow would get the three, but Porteau breaks up the pin! That's a penalty. (Bodyguards 8-7 Bandits) Summers gets a wrist lock which Mancini calls an armbar. Then Bo gets an actual armbar and turns it into a pin attempt for two. Bo goes for a dropkick but Summers just stops and makes him look like a fool. Valiant enters the ring and attacks Summers, and apparently someone went over the top rope, but the camera missed it. Anyway, that's +3 for the Bandits apparently. (Bodyguards 8-10 Bandits)

Cox vs. Porteau now. The real difference is in the kicks: Cox's kicks are martial arts-like whilst Porteau's are those of a brawler. In comes Price who eats a superkick for two. The commentators then explain it's now 7 for a fall, 3 for a DQ, and 1 for a minor infraction. So why'd you say it's only 3 for over the top rope? Get your rules right, it's pre-taped. Price gets a thumb in the eye and takes control. A USA chant kicks up, despite EVERY competitor being American. Hawk goes for an octopus stretch into a slam and hits several elbows. Now Porteau again, but he falls victim to the back-body-drop-telegraph-kick spot. Porteau reclaims control and tags in Chip. A Chip fist drop gets two.

Tag to Putski, but the ref didn't see it so Cox gets murdered more. I notice a flat back bump is quite rare in this match. Must be one of those hard Mexican rings that makes the luchadors work a safer style. There's an improbable referee distraction where the ref is so preoccupied with Price he doesn't notice Chip right next to him... then he counts a Chip pin attempt. Now Putski's in, inverted atomic drop (right in the WCW Patriots) and tosses Chip over the top rope. Somehow, there isn't a DQ called for this, despite them mentioning there would be. Confusing stuff.

Chip fails to sunset flip Putski and gets elbow dropped. Putski seems to have forgotten he's a babyface. Putski's running the ropes when Akbar hits him with his cane. That is, obviously, a DQ penalty for the Bodyguards. (Bodyguards 11-10 Bandits) Wait... commentary says it's 11-13. So the over the top rope counted? Did it or didn't it? Now it's Valiant vs. Porteau. I've lost count of the number of back body drops I've seen this match. Valiant works the arm. The crowd has died down recently. Commentary confirms that no, they were wrong earlier, it's 11-10. Valiant throws Porteau into the babyface side for a beating, and this is apparently an infraction. (Bodyguards 11-11 Bandits)

Okay, I can't take any more without complaining. Why don't these rules make any sense? Why is this match structured like they're making it up on the spot? Is over the top rope a DQ or isn't it? What's the difference between a DQ and a minor infraction? Why don't the Bodyguards have like a million points from all the shit the Bandits were doing in the first quarter?

Tags into Cox and Hawk. These for me are the two best workers in the match (and rare is the day that I compliment JBL like that). Cox hits a Diva-esque hair toss and a flying forearm for two. Hawk hits a big lariat, but apparently there was a collision, so he has to roll away and give Porteau credit for the fall. (Bodyguards 11-18 Bandits) Cox tags in Michaels, who brawls with Porteau while the babyfaces pull the trunks. And yet, no infraction. Chip beats down Michaels and hits a DDT, but once again the Bodyguards are saved by the bell.

Fourth Quarter (Score: 11-18)

Early in this, Michaels (or is it Bo Vegas? Commentary has no idea) gets a roll-up that the camera completely misses. Now it's Putski vs. Price. Angel of Death is disappointed at the idea of being bleeped when he says "pissed off". Putski establishes a bodyscissors and yanks on Price's hair. Price works Putski's leg. The thing is, all of these instances of limb-work don't really matter because there's so many tags and they all feel the same. This has been going for 45 minutes plus. Chip comes in to continue the leg wrenching. Hawk comes in and hits a clothesline for two. Putski hits a powerbomb (being very obviously unable to lift Hawk) but Hawk grabs the ropes. Putski rolls him up for two.

Now Michaels vs. Guido. Ref distraction spot by Chip to allow a massive heel beatdown. Falcone misses a corner charge and eats a hip toss and dropkick for two. Tag in to Summers who hits Michaels in the back, chokes him, and hits a sidewalk slam for two. In comes Price who hits a butterfly suplex and leg drop for two. Porteau now. Michaels misses a dropkick. Michaels goes for a leapfrog spot of some sort but trips and falls on his face. Valiant in now. Putski from the outside pulls the tights because that's such a babyface thing to do. That's an infraction against the Bodyguards... now and only now. (Bodyguards 11-19 Bandits) Valiant hits a Jeff Hardy leg drop. Chip breaks up a pin, which is an infraction. (Bodyguards 12-19 Bandits)

Porteau gets an eye rake. He goes over to hit Cox in the corner (no infraction?) then slaps on a front facelock. This is one of the few times where a late rest hold is understandable psychology-wise. Valiant hits a low back body drop. Double tag to Chip and Cox. Cox's clothesline and snap suplex only makes a one-count and leads to repeated pin attempts. Chip tosses Cox over the top rope, which again, should count as an infraction by the rules YOU MADE UP, but isn't. Porteau tags in with five minutes to go... and chooses to drag those five minutes with a chinlock. Porteau knee lift, and he tags in Hawk. Hawk misses a big boot and Cox's crossbody gets a one-count. Cox backslide gets two.

Porteau back in now. Weird spot where Porteau seems to want to slam Cox but Cox just flies over. In comes Hawk for a lariat, but of course, when a heel interferes, he must hit his partner by mistake. Cox gets the pin to tie it up. (Bodyguards 19-19 Bandits) 3 minutes left, and the crowd finally wakes up. Porteau rest hold to start off. Two tags and it's now Guido vs. Bo. A bit of brawling, then Guido hits a superplex for two. Back to Price/Putski, and Putski has all the offence in these last seconds. Putski hits a clothesline and then a scoop slam, both getting two-counts. Putski hits the Polish Hammer, and clearly they were meant to do the spot where time runs out at two. Except Putski did it too early so the three-count comes before the bell. Because American sports can never end in draws, we go into sudden death overtime!

Sudden Death (Score: 19-19)

Putski against Price, as the rules apparently state, starts this off (though Hawk thinks he can go first, starting a potential count-out by mistake). Price only gets an eye poke and tags in Hawk after all. Hawk hits a suplex and floats over for two, but then Putski hits a powerslam for the same. Price back in, some arm work, Putski reverses it, and tags in Menaldi! Menaldi looks like he's on rollerskates, just flailing about. He goes out of the ring and fights with this Hassan dude, who's not been relevant all match. At some point in this madness, both teams got an infraction at exactly the same time. (Bodyguards 20-20 Bandits) Price can't lift Menaldi (or Menaldi has no idea how to take a slam) so Michaels dropkicks him in the back so he falls on Price for the pin.

Final Score: Bodyguards 27-20 Bandits

There's a chaotic melee post-match but I could not give less of a damn. Menaldi's post-match interview has him say that wrestling hurts more than he expected. This Hassan dude has to be walked through a promo by Mancini, and he just does not care. Mancini's back at Alcatraz, and says this is only the first round, and the Bodyguards will go on to face a team of Navy SEALs on a barge. No they won't. Hassan is in a hole in the wall for some reason, cursing Menaldi's name. What?

And that's it. It's over. Over an hour of WCW Worldwide-tier wrestling is over. I can't exactly say the wrestlers were bad (except Menaldi, and to a lesser extent, Guido Falcone). But this was an absolutely arduous watch. So generic, and it dragged and dragged for ever. It was hamstrung by alleged "Football Rules" that didn't make a damn lick of sense and contradicted themselves constantly. Points happened for no reason at times, and you got the general feeling that nothing mattered. This was very much a Menaldi vanity project, but it didn't mean a thing because he realised wrestling is hard and retired immediately. And this was on PPV. The ONLY match on a PPV. When this would have flopped on free TV. An incredible bore, poorly planned, poorly executed, and I just want to rest now. Fuck this show.

 

[Chris]

What the fuck

 

[Leon TrotSky]

What the fuck

You can watch it for yourself if you want