Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #140
Ryback vs. Saul Adams
4FW Feed Me More - December 18, 2016​

Sometimes, in my eternal search for matches to fill this thread, I check IWTV. And then I give up because there's not really documentation on where the bad matches are on IWTV. There's a lot of good matches, sure, but nothing for this thread. But I came across something here that I knew wouldn't be good. A British indie with a show called "Feed Me More", centred around the arrival of Ryback. This sounds like something I'd be in to. In a negative way. Let's go.

Wow, this indie doesn't host many more people than my local indie does, and it feels like there's more kids there than at mine. Makes me feel better about it all. Adams is accompanied by Nadia Sapphire, the peak of the Welsh modelling industry apparently. The announcer demands that the fans watch in silence as Adams kisses his valet. Instead the little children insult her. Bit of a lack of respect for the adults here in Bristol.

Lock-up, and Adams is already cornered. Adams shoves Ryback, and Ryback shoves back and it downs him. There's a spot where Ryback completely no-sells two of Adams' shoulderblocks, then takes Adams out with one of his own. The problem with that is that Adams no-sells his own shoulderblocks. Immediately at the point of impact he just stops, forgets what he was doing, and stares Ryback down. Adams rolls out of the ring after that to regroup and let Ryback play to the crowd. After that there's about a minute-long test-of-strength spot, with Adams dominating. Ryback actually selling, that's more than expected. Once Ryback fights out, he downs Adams with a Thesz press and hits the STUPID splash for two.

Ryback takes Adams into the corners, hitting corner charges and a clothesline for two. Adams kicks Ryback in the midsection, smashes him into the corner, and hits a suplex. However, he goads the crowd instead of going for a pin, Ryback stands up, and lands a stalling vertical suplex (during which we get "Goldberg" chants, presumably from someone who'd rather see a Jackhammer). A group of kids want a Shell Shocked early. Ryback goes to the second rope, but Nadia grabs his ankle and stops whatever that was. More Ryback offense is ended when he's distracted by Nadia. Now Adams can take over, with finger-stomping, rope choking, and eventually a knee drop, to which Ryback kicks out at one.

Ryback rallies, hitting right hands and clotheslining Adams out. Standard brawling on the outside. Adams goes for a chop against the ring post but Ryback ducks it and lets Adams smash his own hand. Adams manages to whip Ryback into another post though. Back in the ring, Adams hits one double axe handle but Ryback counters the second. Ryback goes for cornered right hands but Adams gets an inverted atomic drop (right in the Skip Sheffields). Adams' scoop slam only gets one thanks to a delayed pin. Then a bearhug, because yes, it is the 1970s. Ryback breaks out with headbutts. He goes for a corner charge, Adams gets an elbow up, but Ryback hits a back body drop and it's a double down.

It's time for Ryback to rally. Shoulderblocks, flying shoulderblocks, cornered knee, spinebuster for two. Ryback seems like he's lining up the Meat Hook but Nadia distracts him. So he forces a kiss on her. You know, like babyfaces do! This lets Adams come in with a sitout slam for two. Nadia's in the ring, she slaps the ref, so the ref sends her to the back. In the commotion, Ryback recovers, Meat Hook, Shell Shocked, that's it.

Generic but not notably bad. I only watched this for Ryback. That's the first time this has ever been said.

 

[Kenoh]

IWTV has really good matches, but also some really bad ones. You just have to dig through the library.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #141
Sid Vicious vs. The Nightstalker
WCW Clash of the Champions XIII - November 20, 1990​

Now that Wrestle Kingdom has passed us by, back to our regularly scheduled programming. And to this affair, which went only three and a half minutes but still managed to be voted Worst Match of 1990. It must really suck for that... Both guys were fairly early in their careers - the Nightstalker being the original gimmick of Bryan Clark which he originated in the AWA (the gimmick was "carries rubbish plastic prop axe"). In other words, two green big men! I get the feeling I know where this is going!

Sid was OVER at this time. I can't think of any other wrestler who did so much with so little. Wrestling fans like loose cannon types, I guess. He's wearing a singlet which does not work for him at all. Sid shoves Clark, then we get a test of strength spot. Literally the first actual move of the match and it's a test of strength. The least effective looking rest hold. Clark puts on a bearhug, and Sid JUMPS RIGHT INTO IT! Seriously, he's like in one of those romantic comedies when the girl arrives from the airport and jumps into her lover's arms. That's what this spot is. After Sid's weighed Clark down enough he breaks the hold with an ear clap. Clark puts on another, and the faces Sid's making, this spot could not look any gayer if they were naked. Sid finally gets out after a minute of bearhugs (out of 3:30, I remind you).

Sid rallies with punches and kicks, which look really fake, probably because Clark isn't selling that well. Clark comes back with knee lifts before snapping Sid's arm over the rope. Those knees are visibly missing. In comes the BIG CAT (another early gimmick of a green big man, this time it's Mr. Hughes). Sid hits a back suplex before punching out Cat, Clark prepares his plastic prop axe to charge the corner, but Sid dodges, fighting off both men before hitting Clark with the axe in full view of the referee for the win. The heels attack Sid 2-on-1 to set up... well, nothing, because they pulled the Nightstalker from his planned Starrcade program because he was just that bad. What was probably meant to be the Skyscrapers vs. Cat and Clark ended up as the Skyscrapers vs. Cat and the Motor City Madman. No, me neither.

Big men with limited ability lumber around and stall until a silly finish. What did I expect, really?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #142
John Cena vs. John Laurinaitis
No Disqualification Match
WWE Over the Limit - May 20, 2012​

From worst match of 1990 to worst match of 2012. And this one's gonna be a real challenge. John Cena is facing Mr. John Laurinaitis Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations And General Manager Of Both RAW And SmackDown (or "John Laurinaitis" for short) in an attempt to get the former Johnny Ace fired. It's not exactly a non-wrestler match, but Laurinaitis is retired. This is the MAIN EVENT of the show. Over, you know, CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan for the WWE Championship, the most coveted prize in the industry according to WWE's own PR wing. Also, heel Michael Cole is on commentary simping for all your least favourites. 2012 was a rough year.

Laurinaitis is wearing a tracksuit, which Cole calls "tight body armour". He makes a run for it right away but Cena chases him down and drags him back into the ring. After a long boot-catch spot which makes me wonder if Laurinaitis will attempt an enzuigiri, Cena drops him like a sack of shit with a clothesline. Cena pulls up Laurinaitis' shirt for some chops, before doing a fireman's carry. He could drop it into the AA right away and end this, but instead he chooses to do an airplane spin and let Laurinaitis flop around like an idiot. Once he's on the outside, Cena (rather than hurting his opponent) grabs the ring bell and rings it right in Laurinaitis' face to blow his eardrums out.

Cena smashes Laurinaitis' face into the announce tables. "Just beat him and be done with it" -Cole. I agree. Cena then sits Laurinaitis at the Spanish table (whose occupiers have fled) and does some fake commentary, with himself as Michael Cole. A dazed Laurinaitis JOINS IN as Booker T with a call of "Five time... five time...". Fuck it, spot of the year, match of the year, everyone go home. Cena then smacks Laurinaitis' face against the monitors. Back in the ring, Laurinaitis begs for mercy, but Cena turns him down and slaps him. Normally I'd commend him for not being an idiot like every other babyface, but he has this match won 10 times over! Cena looks like he's about to go for the Five Knuckle Shuffle but instead does an elbow drop. Stop teasing us with a finish.

Cena grabs a mic, because all great matches have mid-match promos! He announces he's about to put Laurinaitis in the STF... but break it after 10 seconds, with the crowd counting. Laurinaitis survives, so Cena announces he'll DO IT AGAIN. Just do it properly and finish it off, you're being a complete dick. Cena goes for a water break. While CONTINUING to promo on Laurinaitis. He grabs some water, and pours it all over Laurinaitis. Including down his trousers, because that's the number 1 tool of a babyface - piss jokes. Cena grabs a fire extinguisher, and threatens Laurinaitis with a spraying. At excruciating length. To the point that when he does get the spray off, it doesn't feel worth it. Cena then pours garbage all over Laurinaitis. Cena's just bullying an old man at this point. Doesn't he know how to B A STAR?

Laurinaitis tries to make a run for it. and when Cena stops him, he pulls down his arm. Apparently this is a bad arm because of his recent match with Brock Lesnar (which he WON, and he should NOT have) so this adds some jeopardy. Laurinaitis targets the arm before grabbing a chair and smacking Cena with it. This leads to the first pin attempt all match, where Cena kicks out at two. Now Cena grabs the chair and takes Laurinaitis' legs out. He teases Five Knuckle Shuffle again but instead does a... chair drop? He doesn't drop any body parts, he just drops the chair.

Cena tries to lift Laurinaitis for the AA but gets uppercut right in the Fruity Pebbles, and Laurinaitis makes a break for it a third time. He's almost made it out of the arena, but here comes Big Show, who was recently fired by Laurinaitis, to bring him back to Cena! Show dumps Laurinaitis in the strewn garbage again before going to Cena, setting him up for the AA... and decking Cena with his Literally Just A Punch, turning heel in a way no one saw coming (everyone saw coming, but no one wanted it). Laurinaitis takes a full minute and a half to wake up and give Cena the 1-2-3.

You know, it's rare for me to see a match that I genuinely hate, but this is one. The first problem is simple: in this match, John Cena turns heel. I cannot describe his actions in this match other than those of a piece of shit bully. If he wanted to win, he could have done so in the first minute by actually doing an AA. But no, he just wants to see Laurinaitis suffer. This is John Cena at his worst, wise-cracking and burying all the way. Imagine if this had been an actual talent that fans wanted to see, instead of Laurinaitis. There'd be outrage. This means the match has the overall wrong message: that Laurinaitis is the babyface, and he won because Cena was forced to pick on someone his own size. The final problem: this result was pointless! Cena won to fire Laurinaitis on the next PPV anyway! The only overall effect of this match was to turn Big Show heel (you don't need a match for that, he turns heel whenever someone looks at him funny) and to waste everyone's lives watching this. Fuck this match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #143
The 2022 Men's Royal Rumble Match
WWE Royal Rumble - January 29, 2022​

Hey, I've got an awards thread for shit things that happened in wrestling in 2023! You should check it out, and nominate! Because the winners of various awards will help steer this thread a bit in 2024. To demonstrate, I'm going to try running through all the shortlist for Worst Match of 2022 (last year). Starting with this! A Rumble! This was deflating as hell to watch in real time! Let's see if the last ever Vince McMahon-led Rumble still sucks with 2 years of hindsight. And this'll be the first Rumble in this thread! Don't worry 2015 and maybe 1995, you'll get your time. So, Rumble formatting go!

Number 1 - AJ Styles
Number 2 - Shinsuke Nakamura

Strong start! Hey, maybe I should review the Styles/Nakamura matches where they just kept kicking each other in the penis. Maybe not, I remember them being fine if disappointing considering their reputation. Commentary mentions Rick Boogs not being here because he's in later. Oh yeah, that was this era. Nak kicks away, but AJ gets a dragonscrew leg whip and starts working the leg. Pretty even to start, Nakamura lining up for a Kinshasa but AJ dodging and hitting a sliding forearm.

Number 3 - Austin Theory

Oh, FUCK OFF. Crowd really turns quiet as Theory comes in with his offence. Crowds should not be this quiet for a Rumble.

Number 4 - Robert Roode

Spinebusters for Nak and Theory, until we get the AJ/Roode staredown and TNA chants! Every time I say "only X WWE matches have ever gotten TNA chants", I remember another one. I think it's up to four now. Roode just seems happy that someone remembers. AJ sets up the Styles Clash but Roode grabs the ropes to stop him, but he gets eliminated on the other side so that's that. Theory gives Nak an Irish Curse-type backbreaker which is admittedly cool.

Number 5 - Ridge Holland
Number 6 - Montez Ford
Number 7 - Damian Priest

Crowd is again silent as Ridge does power moves to Theory. AJ eliminates Nak with an enzuigiri over the rope. Ridge appeals to the crowd and gets nothing. The fans wake up briefly when Montez Ford shows up and does some athletic things, before going back to sleep. A big part of the problem with this match, that was identified at the time: not only are so many of these guys so cold, but the ones that aren't have such generic entrance music. Crowd doesn't even know it's Damian Priest coming in at 7, and yet in a year's time he'll be part of the hottest group in the company and ridiculously over. Priest kind of botches an Irish Curse-type backbreaker (second appearance this match) on Theory. There's a weird sequence where Theory tries to help AJ dump Priest, then AJ and Priest try to dump Theory, then they just attack each other so Theory stays. Peak Rumble dumbassery.

Number 8 - Sami Zayn

Sami's theme at this time is awfully generic, but you already knew that. "Ole" chants briefly. The most sound the crowd has made (except for the clock) is to remember the glories of the past, which is telling.

Number 9 - Johnny Knoxville
Number 10 - Angelo Dawkins

Probably the only appearance of Knoxville in this thread (I'm not touching the Sami/Knoxville match at WM38 because it was FUN AS FUCK). Knoxville shows he has better ground-and-pound than, say, Jenna Morasca, and points at the sign... before taking an AJ lariat and a Montez frog splash, after which Ridge sets him up for Sami to eliminate him with a Helluva Kick. AJ dumps Sami while he's gloating, the only part of this match that's gotten the intended reaction so far. Then Angelo does nothing of significance. Why do wrestlers stop eliminations of guys they're not aligned with? Seems silly. I thought it was every man for himself.

Number 11 - Omos
Number 12 - Ricochet

Big man cleans house. Omos tosses both Street Profits out (Angelo after a brief brawl, and Montez after catching him off a flying nothing). He then tosses AJ into the ring post with a nasty thud. Ricochet comes in with a dropkick that fails to down Omos, continuing the sequence of Omos dominance. Theory hits a kneeling neckbreaker but no one notices. I'm having to group up entrants a lot, I notice, because nothing happens with them.

Number 13 - Chad Gable
Number 14 - Dominik Mysterio

Gable wrangles the height-disadvantaged wrestlers together and announces a plan to gang up on Omos. However, Priest rushes in first and gets himself eliminated with minimal offence in return. The remaining wrestlers get together to try and dump Omos over the top rope, and even face Dominik (seems so weird to see him as a babyface) can't apply enough pressure until AJ finishes the job with a Phenomenal Forearm to take Omos down. Back to business as usual, then.

Number 15 - Happy Corbin
Number 16 - Dolph Ziggler

Corbin makes Ricochet look stupid by letting him do a springboard move and shoving him over halfway through. Theory keeps surviving. There's a Ridge/Ziggler exchange where Ziggler looks like he's about to toss Ridge, camera cuts away, and he's skinning the cat. I'm glad Kevin Dunn's gone now, we need new ideas. Corbin hits Dominik with Deep Six and sends him away. Theory tries to suplex AJ to the apron but eats a Pele and he's FINALLY gone.

Number 17 - Sheamus
Number 18 - Rick Boogs
Number 19 - Madcap Moss

Sheamus sees AJ eliminate Ridge right in front of him, so goes in to get revenge. He cracks AJ's chin with a knee before giving the third Irish Curse of this match to Gable. When Boogs enters, Pat McAfee says "I didn't know this was his song!" You and me both, Pat. Boogs does some neat strongman tricks with Gable before eliminating him off a one-armed Gorilla Press. AJ deals with the united jokester team when Moss comes in while Boogs lifts Ziggler. Corbin gives AJ a choke-backbreaker and gives him to Moss to eliminate him.

Number 20 - Matt Riddle

During the obligatory crowd shot for Riddle's entrance, it manages to catch about as many people who don't give a shit as who are hyped. And this guy was one of the top babyfaces at the time. He's cornered by Corbin and Moss, but Boogs saves him and is eliminated instead.

Number 21 - Drew McIntyre

Finally, some star power. Drew absolutely ices Riddle and Ziggler when the jokers toss them at him, then handles both Moss and Corbin 2-on-1 and eliminates them both. He then rolls out to hurt them some more, including with steel steps. I remembering that being cathartic as hell after the absolute dogshit segments with Corbin and Moss in 2021.

Number 22 - Kevin Owens
Number 23 - Rey Mysterio

KO and Drew brawl in the aisle, and when they're in the ring KO hits the pop-up powerbomb. We get a taste of Drew/Sheamus brawling before Rey comes in and does his spots. KO gets a stunner on Rey and we get more glimpses of Sheamus and Drew, both teaming and facing each other.

Number 24 - Kofi Kingston

Oh no. Oh, this part's really sad. Kofi gets into it with KO, he does one of his spectacular elimination saves by going to the wall from the ropes... but both his feet hit the floor. It's the first time he's actually not managed it, and it sucks the air out of the crowd, and rightly so. This is the Rumble where one of the guaranteed magic moments of the night just... died.

Number 25 - Otis
Number 26 - Big E

I can't even be hyped for Otis. He does slam Drew, which is cool. There's a lot of standing around and waiting. Big E was WWE Champion a month before this match, and at this point he feels like a nobody. He tosses KO and Riddle, then twerks on KO and does a splash. He hypes up the crowd but Sheamus says "nah, fuck you, Brogue Kick". It's like a metaphor for this match.

Number 27 - Bad Bunny

And here's where we get to the meat in the shit sandwich. Lucky number 27 is a celebrity. Not only that, but he makes Sheamus and KO look silly, dodging a Stunner. He fistbumps Riddle before hitting a Puerto Rican Destroyer. Sheamus tries to eliminate Bunny with a Brogue Kick but gets the rope pulled down and he falls out instead! Ziggler goes for a rope choke on Rey, Bunny makes the save, and sets him up for the 619 before tossing him. Every man for himself as Bunny tries to toss Rey but he survives.

Number 28 - Shane McMahon

Here's the other best-booked man in this Rumble (because he booked it himself). His first crime is to make Otis eliminating Rey happen completely off-screen. Shane battles KO and Riddle and eliminates the former, before taking a bit of a pounding from Drew.

Number 29 - Randy Orton

Randy comes in to a home-town crowd. RKOs for everyone as RK-Bro eliminate Big E and Otis. Shane is going worryingly toe-to-toe with Riddle on the right side. Almost like he booked this thing himself, huh?

Number 30 - Brock Lesnar

I was predicting and dreading this in the live thread - Lesnar losing to Lashley, then coming in at the Rumble and winning it. (Of course, we weren't to predict that he'd win the belt back and go after Reigns for a needless title unification, but sometimes Vince's mind is on a level even below ours.) Suplex City all over before Lesnar clotheslines Orton out. He squares up to Bad Bunny, gives him an F-5, and tosses him. So, for those of you keeping score, Shane McMahon is in the final 4 with Lesnar, McIntyre, and Riddle. Make that final 3, as Lesnar tosses Riddle like he's nothing. Lesnar kicks Shane's ass for a bit before consigning him to defeat.

We're down to Lesnar and McIntyre, in an effective rematch from the 2020 edition! Power moves, punchy-punchy, both men counter each other's finishes!... and then Lesnar gets him up and F-5's him out. That felt out of nowhere.

WWE managed to do what they'd never done in a Rumble. They made it boring. So many workers that were tossed out at the expense of big dudes and non-wrestlers. So much of the hype was gone because nobody recognised the entrances. So badly booked. Genuinely deflating match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #144
Liv Morgan (c) vs. Ronda Rousey
Extreme Rules Match for the WWE SmackDown Women's Championship
WWE Extreme Rules - October 8, 2022​

Next up (because I already had the Network window open), we're going to have a Ronda Rousey double bill, as two of her matches were nominated for 2022's worst match! First, this match at Extreme Rules. On a night that was built around not a match, but a Bray Wyatt appearance, and with no men's championships defended, this was one of only two title matches on the show. And this was one of the least hype-worthy. Liv Morgan had been booked incredibly weak as a champion, to the point that Rey Mysterio with Big Gold in 2006 thought "bit much". She'd beaten Ronda in a screwy way at SummerSlam, and now that Ronda was heel, there was no way the title wasn't going to change hands. This was the weakest match of the night. Did it deserve its nomination, though? Let's find out!

Ronda comes out with half a pink gi as a Gene LeBell tribute. Liv comes out with a bat as a... Sting tribute? She's got the long coat too. Ronda starts out strong, trying to choke Liv with her own arm. Liv grabs the bat, but Ronda wrestles it out of her hands and tosses it away. Ronda establishes an ankle lock but Liv manages to send Ronda out of the ring. She goes for a baseball slide but Ronda traps her with the apron dressing. Liv's screaming for more as Ronda slaps her. Ronda goes to grab the bat but Liv produces a fire extinguisher and gives Ronda a spraying. Liv tries to go for a Russian legsweep with the bat but Ronda hits Piper's Pit on the floor. She then hits a running Liv with a bat to the ribs. More bat shots, a lot of them suspiciously to the ass. Ronda swings the bat one more time but Liv ducks and hits an enzuigiri for a double down.

Liv starts swinging away wildly with the bat and sends Ronda to the outside. Ronda neutralises her by throwing that pink gi in her face before whipping away at her with the belt. Ronda ties Liv by the neck to the post with the belt, choking her a bit, before whacking that bat at Liv's leg. Liv drags Ronda to the apron and it's another double down. Liv drags out a table, stomps away at Ronda, and props it in the corner, but Ronda takes advantage off that. She delivers a rope choke that's also kind of a triangle choke, that actually looks sick. She then goes over the rope, transitions it into an armbar sort of, before they drop out.

Ronda boots Liv and stumbles back. By the time they get back together Liv's got a steel chair. They do the spot where the chair's in the corner, Ronda's about to throw Liv into it, but instead Liv throws Ronda into it. Except, the chair falls out of the corner, so Liv awkwardly improvises, eventually getting two boots into Ronda's back and putting her into the ring post for a two-count. Liv lays into Ronda with the chair, tosses it to her, then gives a chair-assisted Codebreaker for two. She sets up the table, puts Ronda on it, and gives her a double leg drop through it! That only gets two, and Ronda transitions it into an armbar attempt. She can't extend the arm, though, and Liv slams her into it for another two. Ronda transitions it into a biceps crusher/leg choke combo... and Liv's still smiling as she passes out for the finish.

I'm gonna say... this didn't deserve the reception it got. While it was a foregone conclusion, and one no one wanted, this was a generally okay match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #145
Ronda Rousey (c) vs. Shotzi
for the WWE SmackDown Women's Championship
WWE Survivor Series: WarGames - November 26, 2022​

Just under two months later, we have the second nominated Ronda match! A match that Freddie Prinze Jr., former WWE writer, called the single worst match he'd ever seen and unwatchable. I don't know if he ever saw Heroes of Wrestling. This is a match that got #FireRondaRousey trending. A match that Ronda would later evaluate as her having "failed" Shotzi. One Meltzer star, Cagematch rating 2.54/10. Is it that bad, in hindsight? We'll find out.

Shotzi gets the tank, which is cool. She's dedicated this match (where she's probably losing) to her father. Not the time. Shayna's out with Ronda, so shenanigans ahead. Shotzi strikes away, but Ronda catches a dropkick and gets an early ankle lock. Shotzi's eventually able to roll out and hits a corner senton. Suicide dive attempt, but Shayna shoves Ronda out of the way so Shotzi hits her instead. Ronda eats some steel steps. Back in the ring, Shotzi boots Shayna off the apron. Ronda wants to do a spot where she tries to kick Shotzi but gets her leg caught in the middle rope, but goes too high and bashes her foot against the top rope instead for an awkward botch. Shotzi goes for a crossbody but Ronda counters into a powerslam. (A bad camera angle initially makes it seem like Shotzi fell short, but the replay clears things up.)

Ronda kicks away at Shotzi, declares "I can beat you with my feet"... then IMMEDIATELY gets one of her feet caught! Shotzi goes for that Jeff Hardy split double leg drop, but Ronda catches both legs. She plays to the crowd to decide which ankle she'll try to break, eventually choosing the left. Shotzi gets an enzuigiri, but Ronda still has the leg, and transitions it into a submission choking Shotzi with her own arm. Crowd breaks into a "we want Sasha" chant, which provides a bit of historical context, doesn't it? A champ with go-away heat and a challenger who isn't believable.

Shotzi breaks out but Ronda pounds away again, before going for that cool nonchalant rope triangle. Shotzi dodges a knee and puts Ronda on the apron with a slap, before the most infamous botch of the match, that apron slingshot DDT botch. There's no hiding it, Shotzi just flops off as Ronda doesn't go into it. Here's Ronda's thoughts on the situation.

I actually pitched that spot because I loved that she does that but we couldn’t practice it in my ring because the ropes were too loose, and then we couldn’t practice it when we got to the arena because there was these big cages. So everybody was like, I’ve taken DDTs before but I’ve never helped anybody over the floor so they were like, "Okay, you gotta have your hand here on her leg, another hand on her hip and you’re gonna guide her over" and everyone was so focused on, "Gotta guide her over. Guide her to the floor" that it was literally all that was on my mind when it happened and so when I was like, guide her and when she was down, I was like, oh fuck. Just go to where you’re supposed to go. So, yeah, I fucked it up because I was so concerned with keeping somebody safe and a lot of times when you see me do something the first time, it’s the first time I ever did it. It’s the first time I ever did it, I was really concerned with keeping Shotzi safe and I made it look bad and you know what? I’m sorry, okay. Fucking shoot me. Apparently, I deserve to be fired... It reminds me of Monty Python and the Holy Grail when they were like, "Burn her!"... There weren’t calls to fire anybody when Madcap Moss and Big E were spiked on their heads and they were like, burn her anyway! I’m so sorry that I was so concerned with keeping someone safe that I made the bump look bad.

First of all, Ronda, you were the one out of position, and you did none of that guiding you mentioned. Second of all, there were calls for someone to be fired when Big E got spiked. I remember. I was there.

Anyway, they're both down, Shayna tries to come in, but Shotzi counters her and hits Sliced Bread #2 on Shayna by bouncing off Ronda. Shotzi tosses both heels into the crowd and hits a crossbody, wiping out some fans in the front row for good measure. Back in the ring, Shotzi goes to the top rope and Ronda armdrags her off. The ref speaks to both of them, which, according to Ronda, was word from the back that the rest of the match was being cut and they had to go home. Accordingly... Piper's Pit, armbar, Shotzi taps, that's it.

A very "meh" match with one really bad botch. When divorced from its context, it's absolutely not "worst of all time" tier, Frederick, but it still sucks.

 

[Kenoh]

How you gonna do my boy Freddie dirty like that?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #146
Thunder Rosa (c) vs. Marina Shafir
for the AEW Women's World Championship
AEW Dynamite - June 8, 2022​

The debut of AEW in this thread! AEW is like NJPW in that the quality of the wrestling is often higher, but there's been some memorable bad moments. And this is a match that caused a bit of discourse around Thunder Rosa apparently sandbagging and no-selling Shafir in an attempt to bury her. That's certainly how it looked at the time, but how about now?

Shafir's theme is a crowd killer. It's too serene. We start with the first example I've ever seen of a rolling lock-up. Rosa doesn't really seem to be throwing herself into a whip to the corner like she should be. Rosa tries to control the arm, Shafir counters into a sleeper, but Rosa rolls through for two. They chop each other a bit. Shafir tries to sweep the leg but Rosa blocks it and lariats her down. Shafir then tries for a leg-hooked suplex but can't get Rosa up. Neither seems to be particularly laying in their strikes. Now it's Alleged Sandbagging Incident #1! Shafir wants to go for a vertical suplex, she can't get Rosa up. She eventually turns it into a snap suplex instead, which honestly looks cooler.

Shafir boots Rosa as we enter PiP. We already get Alleged Sandbagging Incident #2, as Shafir goes for a hair toss but Rosa won't go with her and just falls backwards. This is probably the weakest evidence for sandbagging, as I get the feeling it was just a botch on Rosa's part. Still, in the most positive interpretation, a botch, though. Shafir stretches Rosa's face, once on the mat and once across the ropes. Straight jacket hold by Shafir. Rosa tries to fight up but Shafir hair-tosses her down. Both try to take out each other's legs. Shafir goes for a Boston crab but Rosa drops down so Shafir tangles the legs and tries a bulldog choke. More leg kicks. Weird moment where Shafir goes for one, Rosa blocks with her shin, and Shafir sells like she's in real pain.

Back from commercial, Rosa is rallying with a big boot, several clotheslines, and a corner stomp. After some more stomps, she hits a Northern Lights suplex (she's no Alicia Fox) for two. Shafir sweeps the leg and gets a pumphandle suplex for a two-count of her own. Rosa comes in with a Death Valley Driver for another two. Shafir catches a kick, tries a suplex of some sort, but Rosa rolls over for two. Shafir tries a back suplex but Rosa rolls through again! That finishes it. Post-match Shafir attacks Rosa like the heel she is, and puts on the Greedy lock. Rosa's just lying there, not even vocalising or anything, for Alleged Sandbagging Incident #3. Toni Storm makes the save, faces stand tall.

For the first time since Vince vs. Stephanie, I'm genuinely torn on where to rate a match. If you believe Rosa's side, that it was just legit botches instead of sandbagging, then what you've got is an okay-structured match but an awkward and botchy one, which puts it on about the level of Ronda vs. Shotzi. But if you believe the sandbagging allegations, this one should go down to the bottom. Rosa did tweet about making up wtih Shafir that seemingly admitted some level of guilt... but I'll assume good faith here. I'm feeling generous, even if Rosa wasn't feeling generous selling Jade Cargill's chair shots that one time. If we find out anything incriminating about Rosa in the future, let me know and this rating can change.

Next up... the NWA Hard Times triple threat, and the match that WS voted as the worst of 2022, Blue Demon Jr. vs. Rayo de Jalisco Jr.. Stick around.

 

[Kenoh]

Do you take request?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Do you take request?

Absolutely

DM me, the wheel is for when I'm stuck for ideas

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #147
Trevor Murdoch (c) vs. Matt Cardona vs. Tyrus
for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
NWA Hard Times 3 - November 12, 2022​

And now we get to the sad, painful part of this Bad 2022 Matches gauntlet. Yes, it's time for NWA Hard Times in New Orleans, and the beginning of a title reign that dominated 2023 in this company. There will be a LOT more Tyrus matches going into 2023, but let's see how the mess started.

Cardona seems like he's sick of everything as he enters, which I'm not thinking is in character. Tyrus is apparently in the best shape they've ever seen him in... zero words. If you're a subscriber to the Undertaker theory that people who know they're going to be in awful matches draw out their entrances... the total length of the entrances is five minutes total, but it feels way longer. "You can see this crowd on their feet" no you fucking can't Galli.

Murdoch suggests that Tyrus stand back for 60 seconds and let him go after Cardona. Works for Tyrus I guess, gives him a chance not to work. Cardona goes to the outside, Tyrus limps towards him, and BLK Jeez comes and slides Cardona into the ring. Murdoch comes right in with brawling and slams Cardona. Tyrus tries to come in with a cheeky little elbow and pin to snipe the win. And now it's Tyrus/Murdoch, and Tyrus is just embarrassing. He's basically flat-footed all the time. When he brawls he just flails away. Murdoch gets Tyrus down with a bulldog that's only not the worst-delivered and worst-sold bulldog in this thread because of Jackie Gayda. Cardona gets Tyrus' foot on the rope to continue the match, sadly.

With Tyrus crumpled in the ring, we get about two seconds of Cardona/Murdoch, before Cardona tosses Murdoch into the ring post and out. Now back to Cardona/Tyrus. The problem with Tyrus being off his feet this early is, I don't think he can get back up again. Cardona goes for a bit of choke with his tape. Tyrus finally gets up when Cardona has a headlock, and gives a back suplex before Murdoch comes back and kicks him down. Two people try to start a "Let's go Tyrus" chant but give up quickly. Spinebuster to Cardona for two, but Tyrus breaks it. He shoves Murdoch into the post, then goes to the other corner to slam Cardona. He hits a disturbingly low-elevation splash for two. Seriously, just do a falling splash instead, it'd look better.

Chelsea Green comes out to interfere, which lets Cardona uppercut Tyrus right in the Funkadactyls. Cardona hits Radio Silence (but obviously, because Tyrus is out of position and massive, can't get round his head) for two. Cardona grabs the belt but Murdoch comes back in for a roll-up for two. Now the two competent wrestlers go at it to let Tyrus catch his breath. Murdoch's pop-up powerbomb gets a two-count. Tyrus finally gets up and clotheslines Murdoch (well, it's just a very slight movement of his forearm, but Murdoch sells as if it's a clothesline). Then T-bone suplexes for both foes. "He is a runaway freight train at this point" says commentary while Tyrus powerwalks between corners. Attempted double Tongan death grip, but Cardona and Murdoch get together to double suplex Tyrus. I'm surprised he managed to get off the ground for that.

Tyrus takes some shots in the corner from the other two but barely sells them. Cardona gives Tyrus the Reboot (I'm pretty sure he's the only guy with a name for a facewash) but walks into Murdoch's DDT. Murdoch then takes Cardona out for a DDT on the concrete. He taunts Cardona in the ring rather than pin him, which then leads to Tyrus coming in, getting that Tongan death grip and T-Slam for the win. New champion. Sigh.

Well, it certainly wasn't good! The big part of the plan for this match was probably to protect Tyrus so he wrestled as little as possible. The problem is that (1) Cardona vs. Murdoch didn't set the world on fire either, and (2) it makes Tyrus look like a paper champion. Believe it or not, I'm predicting this to be the highlight of the reign. All five of his defences are singles matches, so hiding him won't be an option...

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #148
James Storm vs. Chris Harris
Blindfold Steel Cage Match
TNA Lockdown - April 15, 2007​

We interrupt our rundown of 2022 to say that I actually caved and bought TNA+ after years of just seeking out totally-legal streams. Watching the PPVs is going to be a LOT easier now. So to celebrate, I decided to add a TNA match to this thread... and it's this one. The story is that Storm betrayed Harris, and it resulted in him being blinded with a beer bottle shot. So, to even the odds, we've got a blindfold match! This isn't actually the first blindfold cage match in TNA, sort of. Two Lockdowns prior, Bobby Roode and Dustin Rhodes battled in a Prince of Darkness Deathmatch, which wasn't really a deathmatch at all but a 2/3 Falls match where the third fall was blindfolded. The difference? That wasn't the worst match of 2005, but this was voted the worst match of 2007. Let's see (or not see) if it's that bad.

Sportsball people are at ringside to watch this match. For some weird reason, they ring the bell before either man's hood is on. Once the hoods are secured, the ref calls for the bell and none is forthcoming. We ALREADY have a mild "Fire Russo" chant. This match begins with both men fumbling around for the ropes, at length. Storm attacks the referee by mistake, and so the ref spins him around to disorient him a bit. They repeatedly pass by each other, just missing each other. Eventually they brush against each other, throw a punch, and just hit air. "We Want Wrestling" chants are now audible. They finally make contact as Harris goes for a takedown but Storm scrambles away.

Harris finally thinks to do the hot-cold pointing thing that so many blindfold matches have to get the crowd engaged. It doesn't really work, though, the crowd are still burying this. He finds Storm, goes for a ground and pound, but Storm squirms off again. Storm whips Harris into the ropes but Harris catches them, so when Storm goes for the shot, he's flailing in midair. This is a comedy match. A cartoonish comedy match that's supposed to be part of a major blood feud with a brotherhood torn apart, involving potential complete loss of eyesight. That's the problem with this. Harris gets a big right hand that knocks Storm's hood right off (unintentional hood removal #1).

"Boring" chants ring out. Storm goes for an elbow drop but misses because Harris has already crawled away. Crowd continues to bury this match. Storm's hood flies off while he rakes Harris' eyes (unintentional hood removal #2). Storm argues with the ref over putting it back on. He does get it back on, but has enough of his bearings to hit an Eight-Second Ride for two. "End this now" chants are now audible. Storm goes to another corner and gets Harris with some chest clubs but, after Harris fights back, he gives a top rope cutter for a very delayed two-count.

Storm tries to climb the cage, and Harris uses the crowd's help (well, whatever left of this crowd still cares) to follow him. First question: is Storm suicidal? Because what happens when you climb a cage blindfolded never ends well. Second question: why would a blindfold match have escape the cage rules? They're now battling on the top rope, Storm's hood is off again (unintentional hood removal #3), and Harris spears him off. Which causes HIS hood to fall off too (unintentional hood removal #4)! What the fuck is this match meant to be? "Someone stop this" chants. Harris goes for a back body drop so his hood falls off again (unintentional hood removal #5), then hits a full nelson slam with his hood fully off. The ref counts the pin, despite the hood being off! Does anyone care in this match?

"Goldberg" chants echo around the building. They're talking about a guy who hadn't been in wrestling for three years by this point, just to bury a bad match. It's kind of like how CM Punk chants were, actually, isn't it? Harris goes for a sharpshooter but accidentally gets the ref with it instead. This distraction allows Storm to briefly take off the hood, give Harris a Last Call (knocking Harris' hood off for unintentional hood removal #6), and put it back on so the ref can count the three.

Hahahahahaha that was absolutely awful in concept and execution. One of the main problems with this match is that it happened. This was one of the most intense feuds in TNA history, but they gave it a blindfold match where most of it was filled with stupid blindfold comedy spots. Whatever was meant to be serious was botched, with hoods coming off at every turn. The thing about blindfold matches is that they're joyless on a screen, but fun for a crowd. This has to be the only blindfold match that even the crowd hated.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #149
The Latin-American Xchange (c) vs. Team 3D
Electrified Steel Cage Match for the NWA World Tag Team Championship
TNA Lockdown - April 15, 2007​

While I'm here, there's another LOLTNA gimmick match on this show, and there's only a good match between Christopher Daniels and Jerry Lynn separating them! (I choose to watch these bad matches. I could be watching the good matches between Christopher Daniels and Jerry Lynn and yet I torture myself.) This is an ELECTRIFIED steel cage match. So if you touch those cage walls, you're going zappity zap. Supposedly. Apparently the reason the cage is electrified is because of the fences on the US/Mexico border? No idea. Probably just some good old-fashioned Russo-brand racism. Let's get through it.

Team 3D come out with replica WWF, WCW, and ECW tag team title belts. Hernandez has tag title-themed knuckle dusters. "LAX - does this make you feel at home/prison" sign in the crowd, held by who I assume is a representative of the typical attitude of Missouri. I guess this weird blue lighting is going to be there the whole match, because it's electric. Or something. Tenay says the electricity varies, probably to cover for anyone hitting the metal when they're not meant to.

Team 3D brawl right to the ropes to start off. Proper old school brawling, making everything shake around them. They're doing a lot of moves into the corners initially, in the hope that one of LAX's members will fall right over and get sizzled. They double suplex Hernandez into the wall, and nothing happens because it's against the cage door mostly. Which isn't electrified, for some reason. "You can hear the hum of the electricity" no you can't, Don. Brother Ray has a close call as Homicide puts his face close, but Ray fights back. They tease a much more careful than usual Wazzup (the setup involves going between the ropes and the cage when it doesn't seem like it should) but Hernandez tosses Devon down.

Homicide's again trying to push Brother Ray into the cage but gets his arm bitten. He pulls off his glove and start slapping with it (technically challenging Ray to a duel with pistols at dawn) while Hernandez gets out a chain and smashes Devon's face with it. Homicide is first to touch the cage, and has to act like his hand's been burned. Still, LAX are in control, despite a burst of Ray offence. Devon is busted open, not that you can tell in this lighting. Homicide makes the potential concussion worse with a top rope knee drop. Double back body drop to Ray, then they tease ramming Devon's face into the shocky shocky, but do a kick/facebuster combo instead. They go for a double top rope thing but Devon crotches Hernandez and Team 3D both hit superplexes. All four brush the cage wall somehow in the process, and don't sell it at all.

Homicide and Devon both up, Devon hits a headbutt and a snap powerslam for two. Brother Ray gets a two-count on Hernandez. Konnan, who wasn't there in LAX's entrance, is wheeled out by a lackey, who decks an outside referee and takes his cage key and rubber gloves to hand to Konnan. Hector Guerrero then comes out from behind his desk, attacks the lackey, and gets into it with Konnan chair in hand. Hector unlocks the cage, and wants to toss the chair in, but Brother Ray wants a table! Hernandez uses the distraction to get some shots in, but argues with Hector, who slams the door on his face. A neckbreaker on Hernandez gets two. Homicide gets a neckbreaker on Devon, but Ray hits the Bubba Bomb for two. This is strangely fine so far, when you discount the gimmick.

Hernandez then gets a Samoan drop for two, followed by a Homicide elbow drop that gets the same result. Homicide kicks Hernandez by mistake, so Ray powerbombs Homicide for another two-count. A Hernandez clothesline again fails to end this. Hernandez finally tries the Border Toss, putting Devon into the cage wall for our first clear-cut electric shock. And... it's complete rubbish. They just flicker the lights and play a buzz sound over the PA, like the world's worst game of Operation, while Devon flops around like a fish. The crowd IMMEDIATELY turns on the match. "Fire Russo" chants are audible as Ray hits a second rope elbow. Homicide becomes one of very few men to successfully gives a crossbody to someone larger. Ray gets Homicide up and Team 3D hit the Dudleyville Device for a 2.9 count.

Hernandez comes in with power and sets up the table with Devon on top. He applies rubber gloves and combines them with his rubber boots to climb the cage (and yet, the lights flicker indicating some other part of his body touched it too) but crashes and burns as Devon rolls away. Homicide in with a top rope headscissors, he runs the ropes a bit before Devon tosses him into the cage wall for the second and final zap of this match. It's once again stupid and the crowd hate it. This is meant to set up a 3D but Homicide throws himself back too hard so Devon can't catch him. They fumble a bit before doing it off the ropes as usual. 3D, that's your lot, new champs.

You know, this could have been a perfectly good tornado tag cage brawl, but they had to do the stupid gimmick so it limited them. It's sad. Russo gets in his own way so often.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #150
Blue Demon Jr. vs. Rayo de Jalisco Jr.
Ruleta de la Muerte First Round Match
AAA TripleMania XXX: Monterrey - April 30, 2022​

And so, finally, we get to the match that WS voted as the worst match of 2022! And like most bad lucha matches, it's an old man match! There's a combined age of 117 in the ring for this one, and that's not even including the grey-haired referee. The fact that these two are in a Ruleta de la Muerte only goes to show that there's too many old guys in lucha that haven't dropped their masks yet.

Demon at least looks like he's capable of walking, Rayo is just shuffling along. We start with a shoving match and a bit of shuffling. They keep playing to the ground but Blue Demon is the one getting cheers. Rayo blocks an open hand and downs Demon with a single right before going for slaps in the corner. He then gets into it with the referee, which allows Demon to get in, with some (pathetic-looking) slaps of his own. The acoustics are absolutely awful, it sounds as if it's an empty arena match at times. Demon whips Rayo to the other corner, but Rayo can't get past "brisk walk" at his age. Then, that beloved bastion of wrestlers who can't go anymore: ROPE CHOKING!

Demon topples Rayo with another slap before going to grab a baking tray, a chair, and a hammer. Apparently this is No DQ, who knew? Baking tray right to the head of the 62-year-old man. Then some chain punches outside the ring (and by some, I mean three light taps) followed by gentle chain choking. Rayo's busted open. Back in the ring, Blue Demon's got the hammer, but this is where the referee draws the line. Instead he charges Rayo (at half speed) into the baking tray propped in the corner. Rayo briefly rallies with baking tray shots but Demon's back, wrapping Rayo's arm around the ring post. Sorry if this makes it sound in any way exciting. "You can feel the urgency" -no you can't, Rayo can barely walk. Demon kicks Rayo in the shin then rolls him back in the ring for a two-count.

Back in the ring, more brawling in the corners, but Rayo counters. He does what could be generously described as a back body drop (if only he could bend down for it) before hitting a few soft, low headbutts. Demon hoofs Rayo with a kick to the cojones in full view of the ref, and gets a two-count only. Let this end. Rayo responds with a low uppercut for another two. More slapping. Rayo's too immobile even to sell. Demon gets a sunset flip, and I'm not sure if his delay in getting Rayo down was intentional or if Rayo just forgot to bump. Rayo puts on an abdominal stretch, then rolls through (slowly) for a pin attempt that's blocked by the ropes.

Back to slapping. Rayo hits a gentle scoop slam, goes to the bottom rope for a dive (because he can't make it even to the middle), but Demon gets his feet up. Demon actually does go to the top rope, but Rayo tosses him off and gets a pin for two. Another two-count from a Rayo leg drop. Demon goes for a Scorpion Deathlock but Rayo kicks him off. Rayo teases a surfboard... but Cien Caras' music hits?! One of the few people older and less mobile than Rayo comes out with a cane, accompanied by Mascara Ano 2000 Jr., and then NGD come out for a big beatdown. Rayo clears them off in Hulk Hogan-esque fashion, before grabbing a guitar one of them brought and smashing Blue Demon with it. That's the finish. The Dinamitas continue to beat down Rayo as Demon does a stretcher job.

Embarrassing old guy wrestling. Blue Demon tried his best at least, but there was no getting positive stars out of a man as incapable as old Rayo here. Certainly earned its award.