Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

1. Yep, as someone who LOVED NXT Bayley, that entire storyline killed her as a face. Looking forward to her return as a face as a more mature character.

2. Oh yeah, Lacey's finisher was "Just a punch." At Least Big Show's got a huge-ass hand, and the Superman Punch for Roman and Orange has some flash.

 

[Sky]

Entry #168
Sin Cara/Daniel Bryan/Ezekiel Jackson vs. Wade Barrett/Cody Rhodes/Ted DiBiase Jr.
WWE SmackDown - June 17, 2011​

Now I feel like talking about Cody Rhodes. And when you talk about "Cody's worst match", you can't really look past THAT match that Cody called his worst match ever. It was a random 6-man tag, on a random SmackDown. Why was it bad? Let's find out.

Very telling that they turn up the piped-in crowd for Sin Cara and Ezekiel, but completely turn them off for Bryan. Barrett was the IC Champion at the time, when this was a death sentence. This is also the era of Undashing Cody, where he had guys with paper bags to put over the ugly audience members' faces. That would be SO over today. There'd be people wearing paper bags everywhere in the crowd.

DiBiase and Ezekiel start, bringing out the Standard WWE Move Toolbox I was talking about earlier. Shoulderblocks and Biel throws, you know the stuff. In comes Sin Cara, and he's known for botches in WWE, but Mistico's damn good at what he does, he does a nice tilt-a-whirl headscissors then a nice athletic handspring dive fakeout, and we go to a break.

When we're back, Sin Cara is being beaten on by DiBiase and Cody. Cody seems to be going for a really high-elevation atomic drop but Sin Cara armdrags him and gets a wheelbarrow roll for two. Then he does a REALLY cool springboard armdrag. Cody pulls out the Disaster Kick for a two-count though. Barrett and DiBiase get brief tags, DiBiase goes for a back suplex but Sin Cara flips out, then there's a weird run-the-ropes sequence which ends in a DiBiase clothesline. Barrett's back in, and he puts on a seated surfboard. That's a good rest hold for you, fuck chinlocks.

Here's a botch that Cody talked about when he discussed this match. Wade goes for his pumphandle drop. Sin Cara's supposed to counter it and get a hot tag to Ezekiel, but instead he just flips out and punts Wade right in his Wasteland. Probably one of his funnier botches. Like the true pro Wade is (and because SD is taped) they do the spot again and, instead of Ezekiel, Sin Cara tags in Daniel Bryan... and immediately we get to the second big mistake. Bryan's doing all his hot tag spots, the running clothesline, and then he gets to the dropkick in the corner. He goes for a pin... and DiBiase kicks out late! That's just the finish! You can tell it's not meant to be the finish because the ref's cadence is a little off. Ezekiel's trying to celebrate, but he's visibly annoyed that he didn't get to tag in all match.

Reportedly, DiBiase went to the back and... well, you know the story.

Very standard ho-hum SD tag, with two quite fun botches to remember it by.

 

[Rosie]

He kicked out before three, the referee was fucking on him.

But not as much the State of Mississippi is going to do to him.

 

[Skyefire]

When was Ezekiel Jackson a babyface? More importantly, WHY was Ezekiel Jackson a babyface.

 

[Rosie]

When was Ezekiel Jackson a babyface? More importantly, WHY was Ezekiel Jackson a babyface.

Because, [REDACTED] loves big sweaty men.

 

[Sky]

When was Ezekiel Jackson a babyface? More importantly, WHY was Ezekiel Jackson a babyface.

Because the Corre attacked him and he was feuding with Wade Barrett

This was a couple of days before he won the IC Title at Capitol Punishment

 

[Sky]

Entry #169
Kendo Nagasaki vs. Clive Myers
Disco Ladder Match
All-Star Wrestling - January 3, 1987​

Fuck it, let's go back to Britain. This was the featured WrestleCrap induction today, so I've decided I've got to see this for myself. Sometimes it's not a bad match because of the quality of the work... sometimes it's just because it's a stupid idea. And what is this, if not a stupid idea! We're getting the return of Kendo Nagasaki, our favourite English samurai, in what's called a "Disco Ladder Match". Because there's a gold record suspended above the ring, and... well, you'll just have to see what else.

The arena is kind of weirdly lit. There's a bit of early grappling and Clive shows off a few strikes. Then commentary warns us the "disco part of the performance" is going to start. Which consists of, and I am not making this up, the lights flashing a bit while CLASSICAL(!!!!) music plays over the PA system. Not disco. Classical music. Meanwhile, this doesn't seem to be affecting Kendo, who hits a butterfly suplex. They scrap for a bit, with both going for rope chokes. Kendo tosses Myers out while we get an extreme wide shot so we can see more of the house lights. It's like the inside of a fairground ride I remember when I was very young. They called it "Circuit Y2K", it was like a mix between carousel and powered cars going in a little figure 8 path. And the lights around it were like this. If I'm not talking about this match, it's because I'm baffed by its existence.

Clive Myers hits an enzuigiri while music from the Nutcracker plays. He then goes to the outside to set up a ladder (which is, apparently, gold-painted and covered in tinsel, because it's still Christmas somewhere, right?) but Kendo tosses him back in. They fade out midway through to show the lights guy dicking around with his controls. Rather than the wrestling. The typically unflappable commentator doesn't really comment on the alleged "disco", instead remarking that this match is under relaxed "All-American" rules. I love this guy. The Second Coming could happen in front of him and he wouldn't raise his tone one bit. Kendo goes out to get the ladder but Clive stops him with chops.

The music changes again, and it's now the 1812 Overture, the part everyone knows. There won't be cannons, will there? That would be the only thing that could make this match weirder. It's incredibly hard to focus, as camera keeps cutting to wide shots to show us the lights again. Kendo does those incredibly weak-looking corner charges again. He tosses Clive out, but Clive clings to the ropes for a bit. Commentary guy reminds us, once again,that this is all legal in America. Finally, after 5 minutes of non-disco music, we get something actually disco-sounding. Clive downs Kendo with what seems to be a throat thrust (the lights are not helping), before going for a top rope splash.

Finally Clive brings in the ladder, but Kendo pushes him face-first into it. Kendo climbs, but Clive topples the ladder (Kendo falls from the second rung, so it's not too bad for him). Those two previous sentences happen again. Kendo goes for another rope choke. Clive tangles Kendo up, runs the ropes for style points, but Kendo escapes, clashes, and there's a double down. Clive's almost to the top, but Kendo sweeps out the ladder from under him and Clive falls victim to gravity. Kendo climbs, pulls the gold record down (which is also covered in tinsel, by the way), and wins. Commentator refuses to acknowledge the inherent absurdity of the whole thing.

That was so weird it was brilliant. Pretty crap by the standards of a ladder match, though. It won't go too far down, I just wanted to review it.

 

[Sky]

Entry #170
Elix Skipper (c) vs. Mike Sanders/Kevin Nash
Handicap Powerbomb Match for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - October 2, 2000​

After that strange diversion to a parallel universe where wrestling is actually good, we return to this thread for two silly stipulations from that same show. Of which this is one. Elix Skipper is the WCW Cruiserweight Champion (sorry, the "100 Kilos and Under Champion") after being awarded this belt by Lance Storm, and he's pissed off at the WCW Commissioner because fuck knows why. Oh, it's because Kevin Nash, who was Commissioner that week, mistook Beetlejuice (a little person who is apparently on Howard Stern, whatever that means) for Elix Skipper. Nash and the Natural Born Thrillers saunter out. Sanders settles the rules: it's a powerbomb match, Team Canada are banned from ringside, and Kevin Nash is also in the match. He can't win the Cruiserweight TItle, though. He wouldn't be seen dead with that thing.

Nash dinks Skipper with the mic to kick it off. Sanders goes for the powerbomb, but Skipper hits some back body drops and a kick that visibly misses. He hits a hurricanrana, but the ref doesn't count the pin because it didn't come off a powerbomb. Team Canada must be babyfaces this week, because that's some real babyface stupidity. Nash gets a cheap shot in from the outside. Lex Luger is in the crowd, but you can't really see him because a sign is in the way. Nash comes in, gets on the mic, and buries the young guys for wanting opportunities. Yep. He insults the idea of going off the top rope before Skipper comes down with a missile dropkick. Skipper brawls for a bit but can't overcome the 2-on-1 advantage. "Is Nash bleeding? He may have Beetle-juiced" SHUT THE FUCK UP MARK MADDEN. Nash buries Skipper for not being Canadian, Jackknifes him, then gives the pin to Sanders.

Stupid business-exposing burying nonsense. That's all.

 

[Sky]

Entry #171
Booker T vs. Jeff Jarrett
San Francisco 49ers Match for the vacant WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - October 2, 2000​

Time for one last stupid pile of nonsense from this Nitro! And it's a pretty infamous stip match. Basically: WCW World Heavyweight Champion Vince Russo has just vacated the title, and this is the match to decide the new champion. It's the first and only San Francisco 49ers Match! Four boxes on poles. One has the title, three have weapons. The man who finds the belt is the champ. This can't be good. It's a Russo special. Let's get this over with.

Mid-Jarrett entrance we get a recap on when the Chosen One smashed Beetlejuice with a guitar. It's a Beetlejuice episode, huh? Booker takes time out before the match starts to give a lady of a "certain age" at ringside his T-shirt, but this lets Jarrett attack him. The fan tries to whip Jarrett with the shirt, which is just that great territory shit I love. A bit of brawling on the outside, then on the inside. As if to portent the success of the match, one of the boxes falls down. Jarrett goes to retrieve it... and gets a blow-up doll. A blow-up doll as a weapon. And this isn't Bully vs. Dreamer, so they don't actually use it, Jarrett just tosses it.

Booker starts to dominate, slams Jarrett a couple of times, then goes for the second box. This box contains not the title, but a framed picture of Scott Hall. Scott Hall, a man who keeps being referenced but hasn't been seen in WCW at this point since February. So, we're zero for two on real wrestling weapons, but Booker slaps Jarrett over the head with the photo anyway. Booker kicks Jarrett out and tries to go for box number three, but Jarrett quickly recovers. On the outside, Jarrett is the first, somehow, to hit on the idea of using the boxes themselves as weapons. Snake Eyes on the barricade, then another box shot to the head. Jarrett tries to piledrive Booker on the announce table, but gets piledriven himself. The table doesn't even have the courtesy of breaking.

Booker grabs the third box, and it's not the title... but a Coal Miner's Glove! Bold of them to make a reference that far back when Russo seems to think that wrestling fans can't remember what happened a week ago. Jarrett crotches Booker on the rope, takes the glove, and hits him with it repeatedly, before smashing a bit of broken box over his head. He goes for the corner that he now knows has the belt, but Booker gets there and now they're brawling in the corner. Booker tries a dropkick but Jarrett grabs the ropes and gives him another glove shot. Instead of going for the belt, again, Jarrett puts on a sleeper. This is rapidly wearing out its welcome. Ref does the arm-raise checks even though THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WIN THE MATCH. Booker also goes for a sleeper but eats a back suplex.

Ref counts a double down despite THAT NOT BEING HOW YOU WIN THE MATCH. Jarrett goes up top for a glove-powered fist drop but falls right into a Book End! Booker T tries to go for it but he takes long enough that Jarrett's recovered. Jarrett teases the Stroke, but no, it's countered so Booker can hits a scissors kick and do the Spinaroonie. Booker goes for the top again but Jarrett hits him right in his Booker T-esticles. Booker then goes for a leg lariat but gets crotched on the ropes. Jarrett tries to find a guitar, fails, and goes up again to hit Booker with an electric chair suplex. He continues to fail to find a guitar, then changes his mind and goes up the ropes... before BEETLEJUICE comes out from under the ring and hits him in the taint.

And for one final insult... as Booker goes to get the belt, it falls out of its box. He has to have it passed to him by ring announcer David Penzer before his championship status is confirmed. So... does that mean Penzer's the champion? Apparently not as Booker is announced the winner as planned. Scott Steiner then comes out with a lead pipe, because you can't have shit as a babyface in Russoland. The ending shot of this show is not Booker T celebrating winning the title, but Scott Steiner putting BEETLEJUICE in the Recliner.

They did their best, honestly, but the stipulation was just too stupid and so many things went wrong in it.

 

[Sky]

Entry #172
PN News/Bobby Eaton vs. Steve Austin/Terrance Taylor
Scaffold Capture the Flag Match
WCW The Great American Bash - July 14, 1991​

My plans for today were derailed by a certain site's servers being down at an inconvenient time, so I've got time to kill. Let's watch the Great American Bash 1991! This show infamously flopped hard because fans were PISSED at the firing of Ric Flair, turning the paying crowd hostile. And somehow, that crowd hostility made certain wrestlers unable to wrestle. I count SIX matches that could fit in this thread. SIX. And you'd better believe we're going through all of them. Let's start with the opener. This was going to be a scaffold match, but nobody wanted to take the scaffold bump. So instead, it's a capture the flag scaffold match! What? Let's see what.

Apparently it's got two ways to win. One is capture the flag, the other is the scaffold bump. Guess which one is used in the end. Bobby Eaton looks so unnatural as a babyface, and Steve Austin looks unnatural with hair. Terry Taylor is in the York Foundation at this point, and is "the computerised man of the 1990s". I know that's not true, because he doesn't come out to this music. That scaffold doesn't even look wide enough for PN News to stand on it.
The bell rings and Eaton's the only one with a bit of confidence. The scaffold looks really shaky already. Taylor and Austin both challenge him, but crawl sheepishly away right after. JR draws attention to the fact that no one has touched each other a minute in. They make contact eventually, but it's ridiculously careful. There's no impact in anything. Austin is dangling off the scaffold for a bit but clearly safe, especially with Taylor crawling towards him. PN News has not moved an inch.

Eaton backs off as Taylor and Austin approach, and finally PN News slowly shuffles along the scaffold. This sends both heels back. Cameras find the only members of the crowd who will act like they care about this if it gets them on PPV. News shoves Taylor into his side's safe area. This knocks the heels' flag over and Taylor has to put it back up. There's a test of strength spot that puts Taylor on his back. Austin does a bit of punchy-punchy that News no-sells. Lady Blossom, down below, is very much distressed by this. Finally News makes it to the heel side. He's battling with Austin, while on the other side Eaton is guiding Taylor towards the babyface side. They're actually able to do stuff now!

Rather than capture the flag, News just decides to go back and face Eaton, clinging on to the scaffold. Both heels now try to manoeuvre News off the scaffold, and as Eaton arrives for the save Taylor walks over News to get back to his own side. There's a group hug on the heel side, and now Eaton has the flag! He heads across, and that's just it. I think? I'm not sure? I think the bell rang, but Eaton didn't walk all the way over to his own side, he instead goes back and attacks the heels with their own flag. Austin goes down to grab some hairspray, uses it on Eaton, and he actually walks at a regular pace across the scaffold. Taylor follows him as Austin sprays News... then everyone just climbs down? Apparently that was the finish by Eaton. Who knows. Who cares.

Genuinely obnoxiously bad. The entire point of the scaffold match is that they tease a big bump and eventually deliver. In this one, they didn't deliver. It was just wrestlers walking across a plank of wood. Nobody cared about the match or its ending; it just fell painfully flat.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

As soon as Stan Lane and Cornette quit, you could tell WCW had zero clue what the fuck to do with Bobby Eaton.

 

[Sky]

As soon as Stan Lane and Cornette quit, you could tell WCW had zero clue what the fuck to do with Bobby Eaton.

I thought the team with Arn Anderson under the Dangerous Alliance had potential. And in 1993 they paired him with young Chris Benoit which could have been SUPERB but of course they were just jobbers to the stars

 

[Bobby Barrows]

I thought the team with Arn Anderson under the Dangerous Alliance had potential. And in 1993 they paired him with young Chris Benoit which could have been SUPERB but of course they were just jobbers to the stars

Oh for sure, Eaton/Arn was a great team with lots of potential, and honestly they should have made the Four Horsemen in 1993 be Flair/Arn/Eaton/Benoit, since Eaton at one point was supposed to be in the Horsemen with Stan Lane, but Jim Herd kiboshed it.

At the very least, Bobby Eaton becoming the Earl of Eaton was fun and gave him direction again.

 

[Sky]

Entry #173
Ron Simmons vs. Oz
WCW The Great American Bash - July 14, 1991​

The next match was Scott Hall (as the Diamond Stud) vs. the Z-Man, but that was okay, and suffered from the dead crowd, so, third match it is! Since we're going back to WCW 1991, of course we'll encounter Oz! Kevin Nash is a couple of months into his push in this role, but that dies here as he refuses to take a pay cut. He's up against meaningful opposition for the first time in the form of Ron Simmons. When we last saw Ron Simmons, he was in a pretty boring match with Mr. Hughes. I expect no more from this.

Oz still has most of his entrance, with Kevin Sullivan as his manager, the Emerald City setup, and that horrific rubber mask he wears. He also has a ripoff of "Another One Bites the Dust" as his theme. The first minute of this match is made up entirely of a staredown and two lock-ups. Oz applies a long headlock but Simmons gets out. Clashing shoulderblocks... Oz gets a big boot, then starts doing more shoulderblocks. Simmons gets a drop toe hold but doesn't convert it to anything. Oz takes control with an eye rake and forearms. One fan tries to start a "boring" chant. The rest of them are too bored to even do that. Simmons gets some clotheslines in and tips Oz over the top rope. Fans get excited for this, probably because they think it's a battle royal and this means the match is over.

Back in the ring, test of strength spot. I've seen enough of those for one lifetime. As usual, the heel kicks the face to get advantage but the face fights back (in Simmons' case, with a back body drop). He tries to follow with a dropkick but Oz stops and just lets Simmons bump. Oz starts lightly tapping Simmons with some double axe handles and knees, then hits a sidewalk slam for two. Simmons rests on the outside but is attacked by Sullivan in his crap costume. Back in the ring, he tries to sunset flip a larger man, with the usual level of success. A short bearhug (because yes, it is the 1970s) before Simmons hits a dropkick for real this time. Simmons hits some low tackles, takes out Sullivan, and finishes it with a running shoulderblock. Ding dong, the match (and this gimmick) is dead.

Very typical dull match that you'd see on WCW undercards in these times.

 

[Rosie]

... Damn