Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

I watched both shows. I don't mind the idea of them having some off the wall characters/fun gimmicks. But the outfits/makeup suck. Though the matches are usually okay to good. This match was pretty bleh.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #223
EC3 vs. Kevin Kiley Jr.
NWA Nuff Said - February 11, 2023​

Another backlog cleanup match. Believe it or not... this, not Tyrus/Cardona, was the one that was hailed as a future Worst Match of the Year contender. The delightful days when we thought no one would stick a syringe into anyone's penis. There were good matches on NWA Nuff Said, though. Even one involving Angelina Love! In 2023! Who'd have thought it? This was negatively received, though. Let's remind ourselves why!

EC3 is billed from "The Narrative of the Mind", and THAT is why I do not like his current run. Pretentious bullshit. You know you can't even watch CYN anymore? The video service that was essentially made to show it sank without a trace. Wonder why. In contrast to EC3, whose steroids probably take steroids, the former Alex Riley comes out listlessly in a shirt and jeans. Maybe he's just despondent that no one said it to his face today. He doesn't even look like he knows where he is. EC3 says something that he thought was deep but only succeeds in being mostly inaudible.

Lock-up to the corner. And again. Third lock-up, Kiley takes EC3 to the corner instead. EC3 shoves him, big staredown. We get that 2000s OVW playbook offence, from headlock to shoulderblock. Then again with the roles reversed. Incredibly generic so far. Hip toss by Kiley. He goes for a few corner splashes, teases the Final Score but EC3 escapes, then Kiley hits a running forearm. He goes for another corner splash, and EC3 is supposed to put him in the turnbuckle, but overshoots, and instead Kiley goes head-first into the ring post. Rather than check for a concussion, they go through with the following spots, which are EC3 bashing Kiley's face against turnbuckles.

EC3 hits a suplex, then applies a chinlock while saying some more fake-profound stuff. He then bashes Kiley's head again against the mat. Next is a Russian legsweep, and Kiley really seems to be hurting. EC3 snaps on a single-arm camel clutch before giving another lecture. Kiley suddenly rallies with clotheslines and a neckbreaker. Spinebuster by Kiley, and EC3 is sent to the outside. Shirt has come off, Kiley goes for a dive over the corner... completely misses EC3, and crashes into the wooden floor, back of the head first. Well, if he wasn't concussed before, he is now. EC3 checks on Kiley, rolls him back into the ring, and puts on the Purpose lock for a quick finish.

Rather dull match that quickly turned scary thanks to the blows Kiley took to the head. Not a nice watch at all.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #224
Crush vs. Doink the Clown
WWF WrestleMania IX - April 4, 1993​

Picture the scene. You are a child, and you have been captivated by the stars of the WWF. Your parents finally order a Pay-Per-View event. It is the ninth edition of WrestleMania, the grandest stage of them all. It's taking place from Caesar's Palace, which you don't know what that is, but it looks fancy. Bobby Heenan is on a camel. Shawn Michaels loses to Tatanka but keeps his IC Title on a technicality. The Steiner Brothers beat the Headshrinkers. All is good. Then comes one of your favourites, the Hawaiian surfer dude called Crush, battling an evil clown who kind of scares you. Who recently hit Crush with a prosthetic arm. This should surely continue the positive vibes, right?

(Fun fact, this is somehow the first appearance of the original Doink character in this thread, despite having 3 appearances of various other Doinks so far.)

Crush chases Doink around the ring and slams him on the outside. He gives Doink a bit of a beating, preventing Doink from escaping. Doink is pleading for mercy but Crush gives him none. He's pounding away in the corner. Eventually Doink pulls Crush out and tries to give offence, but it's no-sold. Crush gently pushes Doink into the ring post. He still ignores the clown's pleading and hits a neckbreaker, as well as a double stomp that visibly doesn't touch Doink's face at all. Crush hits a backbreaker and Doink tries and fails to rolls to the outside. Crush starts hitting chest clubs but Doink drops to bust Crush's face against the ropes.

Doink starts hitting left hands from the top rope. He gets a piledriver and kicks Crush out, where he bashes him shoulder-first into the ring post. Scoop slam and Doink goes for a flying nothing, letting Crush get the foot up. Doink continues the beating, then goes for a crossbody, but Crush catches him into a powerslam. Clothesline to the outside, and Doink tries to escape under the ring. Gorilla press slam by Crush, then he goes for the Kona Clutch (brain vise). Doink jerks around and that bumps the referee. This lets Doink try to roll under the ring again, but Crush stops him. Spin kick by Crush, then the Kona Clutch again, Doink tries to go for a jawbreaker...

but a second Doink emerges from under the ring with a prosthetic arm. The two Doinks beat up Crush together, then we get the iconic shot of the two Doinks doing the mirror thing. The second Doink rolls under the run while the first Doink gets the pin.

Eh. Rightly only remembered for the moment. About as rubbish as I'd expect a Crush match to be.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #225
Bob Backlund vs. Razor Ramon
WWF WrestleMania IX - April 4, 1993​

Okay, that was a bit lame, your child self thinks, as you watch on through. They talk to Japanese photographers at ringside, which you don't know yet is sort of foreshadowing for the King of the Ring 1993 show. But this one should be good. Razor Ramon is a bad guy, but he's cool, and that means you like him. (Your gravitation towards bad guys will eventually be marked by your therapist as a sign that you were sheltered and neglected by your parents.) He's facing Bob Backlund, who apparently used to be the WWF Champion. You know, like Bret Hart now is. He must be good.

Backlund does a bit of his silly knee walk. He offers a handshake but Razor mimes his toothpick-toss. Razor's getting cheered despite being The Heel. Lock-up, and Backlund's backed into the corner. Then again. Third time, and Backlund gets the reversal. He starts leg-sweeping Razor. He's fun. Razor responds with brawling and slams. He beats down Backlund, who does some real territory selling. Backlund comes back, getting an Irish whip and hip tosses, but misses a dropkick. He does down Razor with a back elbow, though, and hits a butterfly suplex. Delayed atomic drop by Backlund, and Razor is being toyed with. He suddenly gets an inside cradle though, and pins Backlund for the three!

Somehow this was rated as the worst match on the show in terms of Meltzer stars? I find that highly unlikely. Surprisingly short, yes, but I don't see what it did to earn such a spot.

 

[Death By Looch]

Horrible to think that that Match wasn't really one of the Top 5 Worst things about Mania IX, because at least it had the novelty of being Backlund's first Mania appearance.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #226
Money, Inc. (c) vs. The Mega Maniacs
for the WWF World Tag Team Championship
WWF WrestleMania IX - April 4, 1993​

Okay, two not-so-good matches in a row, your child self thinks, as you move on to this one. It's a tag team championship match, and you like tag teams. There's more wrestlers, so it's more awesome This one has Hulk Hogan in it. The older kids at your school are huge Hulk Hogan fans, except for that weird one who hates him and likes Shawn Michaels better. They watched the old matches, when he was WWF Champion. You're a little young to have seen that, and they won't let you borrow their tapes, but Hulk Hogan is definitely pretty cool. You especially want him to beat these rich jerks called Money, Inc.. That would be good.

The champs come out first, because Hogan is always more important. More notable: Hogan is out with a black eye! The reason was given by WWE as (kayfabe) DiBiase's goons attacked him, and (legitimately) he was in a jet-skiing accident with Beefcake. The more popular theory is that the notoriously paranoid Randy Savage believed Hogan was having an affair with Elizabeth, despite Savage and Elizabeth being long divorced. I think Beefcake's Hogan-fanboy gear and face mask were designed to draw more attention away from Hogan's face.

Hogan and Beefcake brawl with the champs and toss them out. Money, Inc. are very much scared to come in and start the match. Kicking off with Beefcake vs. IRS. IRS right away gets Beefcake into the corner and obviously he's going to play the face in peril. Ref distracted by Hogan allowing an illegal tag and double team. DiBiase goes for a double axe handle on Beefcake but only hurts his own hand. Oh yeah, because he's got a metal plate in his face mask! Beefcake clashes the heels' heads, no-sells turnbuckles to the face, then smashes DiBiase's face into the turnbuckle.

In comes a noticeably thin Hogan. The ref trips in the midst of Hogan's beatdown and I worry we've gotten a ref bump already. "Not many wrestling holds from Hogan" -Savage on commentary, you can say that again, he's just punching. Double big boot by the Maniacs. Beefcake hits a scoop slam and just tags in Hogan again for an axe handle. DiBiase has that territory-style selling but he's not saving this. Beefcake joins in the beatdown from his corner. Once DiBiase's rolled out, IRS comes in and gets a similar treatment, ending with a poke to the eye. Money, Inc. try to leave, win by count-out, and keep their titles, but the ref lets the ring announcer know that he'll strip the titles if they're intentionally counted out. They barely make it back.

DiBiase's trying to avoid Hogan. He gets a cheeky thumb to the throat, followed by rope choking, as if this match weren't nondescript enough. Then DiBiase distracts the referee to allow a series of chokes with the tag rope. And then more rope choking! This is the rare time you'll actually see Hogan selling: after nearly a minute of cheating. Million Dollar Dream is locked in, and Hogan slowly slumps to the ground, for over a minute. Three arm drops, but Hogan gets his arm up and rallies... before collapsing again. Beefcake then gets a sleeper on DiBiase! And IRS is distracting the ref so Beefcake can do what he likes! We've got a double down, and Hogan does an Undertaker sit-up on a count of nine. DiBiase doesn't. Why not count him, ref?

Hot tag to Beefcake and now it's Beefcake/IRS again. Beefcake brawls with both men, and atomic drops DiBiase out. Beefcake uses the only move he knows (a punch off the ropes) until DiBiase whacks him in the back with the briefcase. Now Money, Inc. are back to dominating again. Beefcake is twitching in a weird way as he's down. DiBiase goes for Beefcake's mask and eventually takes it off. Having exposed Beefcake's flashing weak point, the heels proceed to attack it for massive damage. Beefcake's flailing around like silly. The heels whip Beefcake but he ducks and hits a double clothesline. Sleeper on IRS, and DiBiase comes in and attacks Beefcake, bumping the referee! Because of course he does! DiBiase tries and fails to prevent a Hogan hot tag. Ref doesn't see it. Big boot for DiBiase, then Hogan attacks both men with the discarded mask.

Jimmy Hart tries to wake the referee, but when that fails he TURNS HIS JACKET INSIDE OUT to reveal zebra stripes! Because apparently the colours make you a referee! Double pin for three, and Hogan and Beefcake celebrate with the titles, but there's no bell! A second referee comes in, and DQs the faces for using the mask. This isn't explained though. Money, Inc. blast the Mega Maniacs with the titles, they no-sell and chase the heels off. Hogan threatens the referee, but Jimmy Hart dissuades him... just to toss the ref out anyway. Because, apparently, morality is only dependent on whether you're Hogan's friend or not. They open IRS's briefcase, find a brick, and throw the money in the case into the crowd.

Very 1980s main event, which is why it was in the middle of the show. Very simplistic action. Weird finish, but I didn't hate it like I feel I should.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #227
The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez
WWF WrestleMania IX - April 4, 1993​

Your child self is still watching WrestleMania IX. You're a little put out by the fact that Hogan was acting like that in the match. It stops you from really enjoying Luger vs. Mr. Perfect. That and the fact that Luger just kind of bores you. But up next it's a match between Undertaker, who is cool, and a wrestler called Giant Gonzalez whom you've never seen wrestle before. You just know he looks 50 feet tall, so he's probably the best in the world. Hopefully this is good!

It cannot be stressed, first of all, just how stupid Giant Gonzalez's attire looks. A giant hairy muscle bodysuit to hide the fact that Gonzalez is lanky rather than muscular. Taker comes out in a chariot pulled by men who aren't stated NOT to be slaves, with a vulture perched on it. For those of you who subscribe to Undertaker Entrance Length Theory, this match's Taker entrance lasts, from first gong to bell, just shy of two minutes.

Gonzalez does one of his three moves: a forearm club. Taker starts blocking the clubs eventually, but gets goozled and sent into the corner. Taker climbs to the second rope and gets his own hand around Gonzalez's throat. Gonzalez uppercuts Taker in the nuts in full view of the ref. Taker dodges a double forearm, and goes Old School. Gonzalez gives some of the worst selling of an Old School I've ever seen, which is just to jerk around with a stupid face on. His selling of Taker's cornered boots is also completely unbelievable. He gets the foot up and downs Taker with a clothesline. Back to forearm clubs.

Now Gonzalez does a chinlock. Not even a nerve hold, or a sleeper - a chinlock, and yet we are to believe that this is causing the mighty Undertaker to fade. The arm drop routine, but Taker recovers just as Paul Bearer holds up the urn. "Gonzalez just manhandled the Undertaker" says JR as Gonzalez barely touches Taker and the Deadman throws himself out of the ring. Forearm clubs and chops, but now on the outside! Taker gets thrown into the steel steps, and in a brilliant case of comedic timing, the steps are declared to be "solid steel" just as one topples over from the impact and is revealed to be hollow.

Taker gets back up with the power of the urn, but comes back in to a series of headbutts. Taker does his sit-up on the second one. Gonzalez sells Taker's rights like shit, staggering around like a malfunctioning robot. Harvey Wippleman on the outside tosses something to Gonzalez as he attacks Bearer. It's a rag with chloroform, which he uses to knock out Undertaker for the DQ. Gonzalez attacks the ref (Bill Alfonso, who was pretty much Gonzalez's handler, for lack of a better word, in real life) with a truly awful chokeslam. Crowd chants for Hogan(???) as Taker's wheeled off. He then re-emerges because he's the goddamn Undertaker, takes Gonzalez on, and unleashes some of the worst-sold clotheslines of all time. The cops take Gonzalez to the back.

Giant Gonzalez continues to be awful at everything involving wrestling, what's new? The obvious low point of Taker's streak.

 

[Rosie]

Undertaker's third worst match.

The other two are vs Goldberg and vs DX.

 

[Chris]

Don't forget the one where he killed Bearer

 

[Rosie]

Don't forget the one where he killed Bearer

That is just boring as balls.

Not genuine pain and fear for someone's shoot life.

 

[Chris]

Fair, the worst stuff was technically after the final bell anyway I think. Actually match is a boring TV match

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #228
Yokozuna (c) vs. Hulk Hogan
for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania IX - April 4, 1993​

It's the main event, and your child self is disappointed. After a fairly promising start, you've been subjected to disappointment after disappointment, culminating in whatever on Earth that Giant Gonzalez match was. But it's coming to the main event. Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna. Bret Hart's the best wrestler in the world. Of course he's going to win... but Mr. Fuji throws salt in Bret's face and it knocks him out for some reason, and Yokozuna's the new champion. Sad. But you're sure the result will be overturned, or Bret will win later somehow.

And then Hulk Hogan comes out, and challenges Yokozuna, who's just had a match. And Fuji accepts. And Bret allows Hogan to have the match, rather than get a rematch. You don't understand. And then Fuji misses a salt attack, and it hits Yokozuna instead. Hogan hits a clothesline, and a leg drop. This is supposed to be the hero's moment. And yet...

You switch off the TV after the show fades away, and you just feel sad. Hulk Hogan is supposed to be a hero, but challenging Yokozuna when he's not ready... he just looks like a complete jerk. You think to yourself... are all the people you idolise really like that? Is everyone around you just looking out for themselves? Is there a point in aspiring for more? People who know you will barely notice, but the reality is the fire goes out of your heart, the smile goes out of your eyes, after that. Your schoolwork suffers, even when you're working harder than ever and losing interest in extracurricular activities. You drop out of school at 17, certain no one will miss you. The last thing you remember, all your schoolmates were talking about wrestling, and someone called Steve Austin, and you don't know why.

You get a low-paying job near where your parents' home is. You meet someone after work one day, at a bar. One thing leads to another, and you two end up expecting a child long before you're ready. There's no real access to family planning where you are, so you'll just have to bring it up. Every day gets harder and harder. Sometimes you hit your partner. Sometimes they hit you. And yet, you never think to leave, because what else do you have? The cycle of parental failure continues, without either of you having any idea you could break it.

Eventually, you're making enough money to be stable, but never enough to strive for any more. Living the dream, huh? Your child is just like you when you were nine; bright-eyed and ignorant of how awful this world is. They come to you and ask if you can buy them a wrestling show. WrestleMania, they call it. They tell you everyone that will be on it, and it's all names you don't recognise, except for a few like the Undertaker, Bret Hart, and Shawn Michaels. It's only then, you realise. The moment before watching that show was the last moment you were truly happy, that you still had hope.

So you turn your child down. Whether it be out of duty or some misguided sense that you can change anything, you tell them no. You don't want them to go through the change you did on that night.

You watched WrestleMania IX.

 

[Rosie]

Sky, you having another existential crisis?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Sky, you having another existential crisis?

Wouldn't you be?

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Doink Brah, makin' kids cry, brah!