Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

I was hoping this was the stink face match

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #91
The Godfather/D'Lo Brown vs. Big Boss Man/Bull Buchanan
WWF WrestleMania 2000 - April 2, 2000​

The opener for the poorly-remembered WrestleMania 2000 show was this, featuring a special Ice-T entrance for the babyfaces (unless you're watching on the Network, which doesn't have it). At least D'Lo might be decent. Here goes.

D'Lo and Buchanan to start. D'Lo ducks through Buchanan's offence and generally outpaces him, because he's good. Godfather wipes out Boss Man from interfering, while D'Lo drops Buchanan and tells him he sucks. Yep. Godfather in, and he and D'Lo execute a tight double team sequence on Buchanan, and yet the crowd can only chant for puppies because seeing women at ringside removes their brain cells. Godfather misses an elbow drop and Buchanan tags in Boss Man. "Boss Man sucks" chants. Oh yeah, before X-Pac heat was a thing, Boss Man was the one with go-away heat. Actually kind of sad for him. Godfather's kick gets two.

D'Lo comes in and Boss Man quickly neutralises him, sending him into Bull's boot in the corner. And then Bull comes in and D'Lo dominates him. We're starting to establish a pecking order here. Buchanan jumps up to the ropes and hits D'Lo with a clothesline - no idea he could do that. A Buchanan drop toe hold leaves D'Lo on the ropes, and I genuinely fear the heels might try to do a 619, but no, they just slide under the ropes and punch D'Lo. Boss Man goes for a big boot and D'Lo seems to just fall under it with no contact. Buchanan hits a guillotine leg drop for two. Boss Man brawls with D'Lo outside while Godfather's arm brushes the referee (and yet the referee was not bumped) as he fights with Buchanan inside the ring.

Buchanan whips D'Lo hard into the corner, and the corner shakes. Back to Boss Man who goes for a cover. Now Buchanan goes for a bear hug, because yes, it is the 1970s! Three arm drops, and D'Lo's living. In comes Boss Man, who continues the roughing up of D'Lo. More go-away heat. Boss Man catches a D'Lo crossbody and hits a backbreaker. Now Buchanan, who comes in with an axe handle. He goes to the top rope but Godfather shakes the ropes and Buchanan is crotched. D'Lo with a Frankensteiner out of nowhere! Hot tag to Godfather, who starts cleaning house and sends the SWAT boys crashing into each other. Crowd is incredibly hyped for a Godfather corner splash. D'Lo goes up top but Buchanan stops him. It's D'Lo vs. Boss Man, Boss Man hits a side slam and Buchanan comes in with a top rope leg drop and the heels win.

This match really was nothing special. It started to drag when the heels were on top, but D'Lo was neat and Buchanan surprised me.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #91
The Godfather/D'Lo Brown vs. Big Boss Man/Bull Buchanan
WWF WrestleMania 2000 - April 2, 2000​

The opener for the poorly-remembered WrestleMania 2000 show was this, featuring a special Ice-T entrance for the babyfaces (unless you're watching on the Network, which doesn't have it). At least D'Lo might be decent. Here goes.

D'Lo and Buchanan to start. D'Lo ducks through Buchanan's offence and generally outpaces him, because he's good. Godfather wipes out Boss Man from interfering, while D'Lo drops Buchanan and tells him he sucks. Yep. Godfather in, and he and D'Lo execute a tight double team sequence on Buchanan, and yet the crowd can only chant for puppies because seeing women at ringside removes their brain cells. Godfather misses an elbow drop and Buchanan tags in Boss Man. "Boss Man sucks" chants. Oh yeah, before X-Pac heat was a thing, Boss Man was the one with go-away heat. Actually kind of sad for him. Godfather's kick gets two.

D'Lo comes in and Boss Man quickly neutralises him, sending him into Bull's boot in the corner. And then Bull comes in and D'Lo dominates him. We're starting to establish a pecking order here. Buchanan jumps up to the ropes and hits D'Lo with a clothesline - no idea he could do that. A Buchanan drop toe hold leaves D'Lo on the ropes, and I genuinely fear the heels might try to do a 619, but no, they just slide under the ropes and punch D'Lo. Boss Man goes for a big boot and D'Lo seems to just fall under it with no contact. Buchanan hits a guillotine leg drop for two. Boss Man brawls with D'Lo outside while Godfather's arm brushes the referee (and yet the referee was not bumped) as he fights with Buchanan inside the ring.

Buchanan whips D'Lo hard into the corner, and the corner shakes. Back to Boss Man who goes for a cover. Now Buchanan goes for a bear hug, because yes, it is the 1970s! Three arm drops, and D'Lo's living. In comes Boss Man, who continues the roughing up of D'Lo. More go-away heat. Boss Man catches a D'Lo crossbody and hits a backbreaker. Now Buchanan, who comes in with an axe handle. He goes to the top rope but Godfather shakes the ropes and Buchanan is crotched. D'Lo with a Frankensteiner out of nowhere! Hot tag to Godfather, who starts cleaning house and sends the SWAT boys crashing into each other. Crowd is incredibly hyped for a Godfather corner splash. D'Lo goes up top but Buchanan stops him. It's D'Lo vs. Boss Man, Boss Man hits a side slam and Buchanan comes in with a top rope leg drop and the heels win.

This match really was nothing special. It started to drag when the heels were on top, but D'Lo was neat and Buchanan surprised me.

So Network vs DVD for this match? Network doesn't have Ice-T (doesn't he just basically say "Pimpin' ain't easy" on repeat), but Network also doesn't have blurred out WWF logos which made up the W in the WrestleMania logo that year, so they were everywhere.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #90
The Kat vs. Terri Runnels
Catfight
WWF WrestleMania 2000 - April 2, 2000​

The absolute state of women's wrestling in 2000. There were a lot of catfights back in the day, but this was the only one that was explicitly marketed as a catfight! Which, in terms of rules, is a through-the-ropes challenge (because at this time women weren't trusted to go over the top rope). The women's match on WrestleMania was contested between a pair of valets, one of whom is only notable otherwise for having gotten her tits out. Also, this was the only one-on-one match on the whole show. WrestleMania 2000 isn't exactly remembered as a classic, is it? There's two other matches I could cover after this, too! Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah (ugh) are cornering Kat and Terri respectively, and Val Venis (ugh) is the special guest referee. Let's get this over with.

Venis has got a black and white striped towel, and I can tell that's the only thing I'll like about this. Actually no, there's someone in the crowd with a sign saying "Steve Blackman's only fan". Superb. Kat's out in an inadvisable mesh body stocking. Both women try to seduce Venis before the match starts. Terri hits Kat with a "spear" and standard hair-pull-bash offence until Venis lifts her off to plant a kiss on her. And as soon as he sees Kat, he dumps Terri on the canvas to plant one on her too. Terri goes for hairdrags (as commentary calls them) before Kat initiates some hair-pulling offence too. Mae Young tries to take her top off but Venis stops her, which means Kat's winning toss goes unnoticed.

Moolah bundles Terri back in. They start catfighting again, Moolah and Mae both get in the ring. Mae tries to remove Terri, Val stops her, she kisses Val, and that means he can't notice Kat tossing Terri out again. Moolah yanks Kat out and rolls Terri back in, while Val Venis is selling Mae's kiss like it's the deadliest submission. When he turns around, that's it, Terri wins.

Though I have to admit Mae Young's antics at the end got a bit of a rise out of me, the point is that everything else in this match was dire. Two non-wrestlers, trying to wrestle, and failing. That's it.

WrestleMania "matches" I skip the most are this, the Miller Light Catfight Girls at XIX, Michael Cole vs Jerry Lawler, Beth Phoenix & Melina vs Maria & Ashley at XXIV, Miss WrestleMania Battle Royal at 25, and Firefly Funhouse "Match".

 

[Jay-Ashley]

So Network vs DVD for this match? Network doesn't have Ice-T (doesn't he just basically say "Pimpin' ain't easy" on repeat), but Network also doesn't have blurred out WWF logos which made up the W in the WrestleMania logo that year, so they were everywhere.

Pretty much yeah, that is all he says

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #92
T&A vs. Head Cheese
WWF WrestleMania 2000 - April 2, 2000​

Here's hopefully our last visit to WrestleMania 2000. We've got Test and Albert, who were seemingly only paired so they could be called "T&A" and managed by Trish Stratus, vs. Head Cheese, who were seemingly only paired because someone thought the solution for Steve Blackman's lack of personality would be to team him with Al Snow. This one apparently stinks. Like cheese. Let's see it.

Before the match, we get the debut of Head Cheese's new mascot, Chester McCheesington. A little person in a cheese suit, with holes for his ass which he can smack. Fucking hell.

We start with Blackman vs. Test, Blackman's bringing the pace. JR's headset cuts out, and I think it's a problem on my end initially. While Blackman gets on the corner and plays to the crowd, he's ignoring his teammate getting murdered by Test and Albert. Test big boot gets two. Al Snow enzuigiri on Albert draws a pin breakup by Test. Blackman versus Albert, then Albert eats a guillotine leg drop from Snow, and then everyone forgets it's a tag team match and start randomly brawling for a bit. When the dust settles Albert tries to gorilla press Snow but Blackman takes his leg out from under him, leading to a cover for two.

Snow starts working over Albert with basic offence. The faces benefit from a ref distraction to do some more double teaming (isn't that backwards?). Blackman's diving headbutt gets two. At this point, camera leaves the ring as apparently Chester, the little cheese man, has tried to grab a handful of Trish Stratus. Blackman goes for a diving headbutt to the nads. Snow back in. Albert hits a double-arm suplex. Now, Blackman and Test. A Test side slam on Snow (not the legal man) sees the pinfall blocked by Blackman, who is tossed out. T&A double powerbomb on Snow, but Blackman's back in and breaks it up again. One guy tries to start a "boring" chant. In response, Snow hits an Asai moonsault on Albert.

Head Cheese go for a backbreaker/leg drop combo on Test, but Snow's celebrating like an idiot so he doesn't notice the pin being broken by Albert. Albert hits the Baldo Bomb on Snow, then slams Blackman and lifts Test up to splash him. Snow pulls Test out of the ring though. I've just noticed that this match is being reffed by Teddy Long. More interesting than most of the in-ring action. Snow trips Albert to stop an advance, while Chester continues to try it on with Trish. Al Snow is tossed over the guardrail and Test hits a flying elbow for the finish. Post-match, Head Cheese beat up Chester.

Dull, is all I can say. When I'd honestly prefer more shots of Trish Stratus being chased by a little person in a cheese outfit, you know it's a bad time.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #93
The Kat vs. Terri Runnels
Thong Stinkface Match
WWF SummerSlam - August 27, 2000​

I was hoping this was the stink face match

Here you go. Just because you asked for it, a match where the object is to rub your anus into your opponent's face.

As commentary reminds me, this was what they chose to follow TLC #1. Al Snow and Perry Saturn are cornering Kat and Terri respectively. I don't remember the context for that facet of it. The context for this match, though, is that Kat made Rikishi give Terri a stinkface once. I'm no ass scientist, but I'd guess it would be a lot more uncomfortable if Rikishi did it, compared to one of these women. Terri gets down to her bikini on camera, but Perry Saturn, looking more like a gay leather daddy than he ever has, covers her up. Even though, if he wants her to win, she will have to rub the back end of her bikini bottoms on to the Kat's face. God, I hate the old women's division.

Kat slams Terri (JR suggests that Terri went "deep in the crotch", fuck me running) and goes for the stinkface early, but Saturn carries her away. Al Snow bundles Terri back in. Lawler calls what happens next a "spear", which is very charitable considering it's just a running shove. Full catfight mode with hair-pulling and rolling. Terri is clearly struggling to move in her heeled boots. Kat starts to ride Terri like a pony, then corners her and goes for a bronco buster (wrong side of your body, Kat. You could have won it there). Kat tries to back it up to win it but Saturn pushes her away. Terri hits a horrible bulldog, then attempts what I'm calling for the sake of decency a "Jenna Morasca-style pin", but Kat rolls through.

JR calls another crotch slam. Kat goes for a butt drop to Terri's face but Terri gets away. Terri hair-drags Kat into the corner, but Kat gets the boot up and sends Terri away... to HEADBUTT THE REF IN THE JUNK. The distraction allows Al Snow to give the Kat Head (heh) which she uses to knock Terri the fuck out. One corner drag and one stinkface later, and that's it for this wretched match.

First of all, whose idea was it to let them wrestle in 6-inch heels? They could barely move in those things, Terri especially, and so much of the action was made up of hair-pulling. Somehow manages to be worse in-ring than the WM match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #94
The Undertaker vs. Kane
WWF SummerSlam - August 27, 2000​

And once again, there's another poorly-received match on this show, so here it is. Taker/Kane. A lineup that's produced some great moments but also some shit ones. I know which one this is probably going to be. This semi-mained, with Rock/HHH/Angle immediately after. Let's see what the damage is.

A Network note: the dub replaces Kid Rock's "American Badass" with Taker's later "Big Evil" theme, which is WAY better. Immediately the walking and brawling begins, punching on the outside before Taker rams Kane's face into the ring post. Taker tries to take off the mask early on. Kane responds with a bit of punchy-kicky in the corner. Kane brings in a chair, and the ref does nothing. Kane's about to use the chair but Taker counters with a flurry of gut punches. Taker hits a chair shot to ground Kane and then continues trying to rip the mask. He does a bit of damage to the mask and part of Kane's face is now exposed. Kane starts bashing Taker's face off some spare steel steps; he then picks one up and tries to hit Taker in the head with it, but ends up colliding with the ring post. Taker then tosses the steps right at Kane.

Kane is busted open, but that doesn't stop him punching Taker in the cock. Kane hits rights, and kicks, until Taker comes out with a spear that would make the Divas proud. Taker continues to damage the mask. Taker's got the advantage, Kane teases a chokeslam, but Taker kicks him in his Big Red Machines to stop it. Taker finally manages to remove the mask... Kane leaves, and... that's it? That's just the end of the match. This was actually a match by the way, I went back and checked, the bell ringed. But there was no result. I guess we'll say, by lucha libre rules, Kane wins by DQ. There we go. There's your finish.

Standard brawl-em-up, but without a satisfying finish. Or indeed, any finish at all. Bleh.

 

[Samoa Looch]

I think this was officially a "No Contest"... and it was a No DQ Match as well.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #95
The Kat (c) vs. Tori
Chocolate Pudding Swimming Pool Match for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF Monday Night RAW - December 13, 1999​

One last match in this "related to Kat/Terri" marathon (why does every single match I do turn into a marathon of 5 or 6 related matches? This keeps happening). The person who submitted the Kat/Terri match to the wheel said "Kat/Tori at WrestleMania 2000". However, the Kat did not face Tori at WrestleMania 2000. She faced Terri. Easy mistake to make, two blondes who couldn't wrestle. I was looking this up on Cagematch, and Kat does have a singles match with Tori on record. And it's this. 24 hours removed from winning the Women's Championship in an Evening Gown Swimming Pool match and getting her norks out post-match (god, why couldn't Stephanie have invented women 15 years earlier?) Kat defends her title for the first time. In another pool. Full of chocolate pudding. How could this not be bad?

(And no, I'm not reviewing that Armageddon 1999 match today. That would open up another can of worms, and I think I'm all bad matched out after this.)

This is the match where Miss Kitty rebrands herself as The Kat. Good to know. Kat tackles Tori down and they're both just writhing in the chocolate pudding. Tori manages to establish a bodyscissors, which is at least a wrestling move. From that position she drops Kat on her tailbone. While all this is happening, here comes X-Pac in full diving gear. Tori mounts X-Pac from the outside and drags him into the pool. This apparently did a bit of damage to Tori, as Kat rolls over and gets the pin. Oh yeah, and something happens with Kane and Road Dogg, Kat tosses Lilian Garcia into the pool, who the fuck cares?

Wow, that is one of the worst things I've seen in my life. There wasn't any wrestling here. Just writhing in a swimming pool before X-Pac came in and did a thing. The Women's Evolution was still light years away.

 

[Jay-Ashley]

"Chocolate Pudding Swimming Pool Match" sounds like something DDT would do

 

[Samoa Looch]

"Chocolate Pudding Swimming Pool Match" sounds like something DDT would do

But DDT would nail that fucker

 

[Rosie]

But DDT would nail that fucker

Yoshihiko would win that shit.

 

[Samoa Looch]

Yoshihiko would win that shit.

At least 4 stars against Omega

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #96
John Tenta vs. Koji Kitao
SWS Wrestle Dream in Kobe - April 1, 1991​

This one's pretty infamous honestly. A bit of backstory here. John Tenta (Earthquake) and Koji Kitao were both former sumo wrestlers. Kitao was a legit former yokozuna and so didn't think Tenta was on his level. Even though his yokozuna run was easily the worst ever (this writeup says it all). TL;DR - Koji Kitao was a total shitbag. This match happened because SWS and WWF had a partnership. There was a previous match between these two, two days before, but it didn't flare up like this one. Let's watch.

Slow start. Tenta tries to get control of Kitao early but Kitao pushes him to the ropes. Another staredown, another feeling-out. It seems neither is willing to give, so they're just staring at each other and holding each other's hands. Tenta slaps on a bearhug, and Kitao seems to be struggling to break it, so I'm guessing Tenta has it clamped on legit. Which makes what happens more impressive, as Tenta deadlifts Kitao for a belly-to-back front suplex. He seems to make an STF attempt next but Kitao wriggles to the ropes and goes out. He grabs a ringside table and tosses it right at the ropes, like a spoiled little brat who hasn't gotten his way. The crowd turns on him.

After a bit, Kitao gets back in the ring. Another long test-of-strength spot ensues. Kitao tries to twist the arm but Tenta shoves him off. This Japanese crowd is now chanting for Tenta, the Canadian. Not long after they just start... staring at each other. Doing nothing. Both slapping away each other's attempts to start spots. Tenta grabs Kitao's leg but Kitao then backs him into the corner with a seemingly-legit choke. Ref can't break it but Tenta does. Staredown continues. Now Kitao starts going for eye rakes. Tenta warns him if he goes for that, he WILL get fucked up. Nothing happens, still. Kitao goes for a kick but Tenta makes him look like a fool. "Who do you think you are? This is pro wrestling!" -Tenta. Kitao hits the ref for a DQ, then rolls out and says "I don't want to play anymore, this is all fake anyway" or something to that effect.

Complete farce. Contains just about no wrestling.