Some more ramblings:
You know today I was thinking of all the times I think anxious and intrusive thoughts and whilst it's definitely still there, I've almost become a pro at sort of brushing it to one side and keeping busy. In 2019 and earlier years, and hell, even at the beginning of the year I let those thoughts consume me. I let those thoughts dictate my personality and who I was, my productivity, and my hygiene and I let them swirl around in my head and I just sat in my room. That's who I assumed I was supposed to be.
Now I actually feel more in control. If something is bothering me I write it down or I speak out loud to myself and almost self-therapy myself in a way. I thought this wouldn't work but actually pacing around and speaking out loud to myself gives me relief at times. When I have irrational thoughts, I try to actually explain to myself why it's so irrational and why I'm getting worked up over nothing. A lot of the times when I do that I realise how dumb those thoughts actually are and how they make no sense, and the chances of that worst scenario happening are likely really slim. I like to think back to all the times that the thing I'm worried about never happened the 20 or so times I worried about it before, and it feels dumber and dumber and I calm down.
Taking frequent breaks from the internet for however long I need has also been really beneficial. Some days I'll go 2-3 days without even being 'on' and I started to realise that the world moves without me and all these things you see everyday are just fads and things really aren't that worth getting worked up over. Especially on Social Media, people are always 'cancelling' stuff and getting angry, it's pointless. My main priority now is myself and not in a selfish way. Everything else is fluff. I used to always put other people first, I thought my health didn't matter because it was all in my head. Now I realise how damaging it can be.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm in a control now and I won't let anxiety and depression beat me. It can come back, and hell, it will never leave and it will shadow me, but I will try to not let it consume me ever again.
Get fucked depression & anxiety. Bitch.