Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #952
Steve Stratton vs. Man Mountain Mike
Loser Leaves OMW Match
Ozark Mountain Wrestling - March 20, 1995​

After an illness lay-off, I'm finally ready to take down TripleMania XXXII. Unfortunately, my internet connection isn't as it's hell to download it. So for now, here's a few things from my extensive backlog. First up, in a video labelled "one of the worst matches I've ever seen", here's Man Mountain Mike. Not the famous Man Mountain Mike; he was already dead. This is just a sphere who can't work. Let's see what's up with it.

We apparently join in progress as Stratton's whining about a hair pull or something. He goes for shoulderblocks and bounces off Mike before sliding out for a rest. Back in the ring Stratton throws some rights and Mike legit struggles to stay on his feet. He then struggles to go to the mat when it comes to that. Stratton has to shove him to remind him to go to the mat and that only gets a one-count. After Stratton doing some basic strikes he tries a can't-lift-him spot, which looks stupid because Mike despite being wide is a full head shorter than him. He soon guides himself into being slammed by Mike.

Stratton ducks an extremely lazily-thrown clothesline and backpacks Mike. Mike gradually backs Stratton into the corner which commentary sells like he's been put into a hydraulic press. Stratton does an oversell for a pretty dreadful looking corner splash. Mike goes up top... wait no, he only goes to the bottom rope. And TRIPS on the bottom rope falling on his face! That's the finish, though.

They really would push any old big fucker on the 90's shindie scene, wouldn't they? Mike wasn't even tall enough to be an impressive big man and he could do nothing in-ring. Stratton did his best bumping for this loser.

 

[Sky]

Entry #953
Chaz Taylor vs. Steven Dane
Bungee Cord Match
GWF Super Bouts - August 14, 1992​

We cross the extremely short border from Arkansas to Texas for another of those "TOTALLY WACKY MATCH TYPES" that every hack list maker has heard of but none has seen the time it was used. The Bungee Cord Match! Two wrestlers, 175 feet in the air (kayfabe), scrapping in a tiny little cage. There's also the detail that the heel's girlfriend (also a heel) is in a shark cage so can't interfere. What a relief - we wouldn't want her chartering a helicopter at short notice to fly up 175 feet and pass Dane a foreign object or something.

Pre-match Chaz is Going To Win The Upcoming Match because he has his fans behind him. Maniac Mike Davis (a gimmick that was like George Steele but somehow more offputting and unfunny) shows up with a moon rock. Apparently he got to test the bungee cord machine and used it to go to space? No idea. Manny Fernandez shows up to play heel colour guy and upgrades the wrestlers' height to 190 feet. Dane is too scared to go in. He doesn't want to. This match is being officiated by special referee Kevin, who doesn't have a last name. Dane tries to escape so Chaz tries to drag him in by the cord, then a bunch of goons show up and pile Dane in. They scrap a bit in there as the cage rises...

One ad break later, they're up however many feet it is in the air, and I guess this is a match. And I don't know what I expected. You can't see shit. Just one of the guys with his legs dangling out. For far too long. Fans are really quiet. Commentary doesn't know what to say. Dane is at the doorway, stomping on Chaz again and again. Dane's celebrating his future victory, but lets go of the door frame which lets Chaz grab him by the penis and drag him out of the cage. So... I guess that's a finish. One break later, Dane is on the ground and yanks his cord to drag Chaz down. Chaz goes to hug his mother and there's a bit of promo squabble about the referee. Who the fuck cares?

That was complete nonsense, not even at a stretch describable as wrestling. Baffling.

 

[Chris]

I can't even comprehend what that was after reading, that's never happened before

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #952
Steve Stratton vs. Man Mountain Mike
Loser Leaves OMW Match
Ozark Mountain Wrestling - March 20, 1995​

After an illness lay-off, I'm finally ready to take down TripleMania XXXII. Unfortunately, my internet connection isn't as it's hell to download it. So for now, here's a few things from my extensive backlog. First up, in a video labelled "one of the worst matches I've ever seen", here's Man Mountain Mike. Not the famous Man Mountain Mike; he was already dead. This is just a sphere who can't work. Let's see what's up with it.

We apparently join in progress as Stratton's whining about a hair pull or something. He goes for shoulderblocks and bounces off Mike before sliding out for a rest. Back in the ring Stratton throws some rights and Mike legit struggles to stay on his feet. He then struggles to go to the mat when it comes to that. Stratton has to shove him to remind him to go to the mat and that only gets a one-count. After Stratton doing some basic strikes he tries a can't-lift-him spot, which looks stupid because Mike despite being wide is a full head shorter than him. He soon guides himself into being slammed by Mike.

Stratton ducks an extremely lazily-thrown clothesline and backpacks Mike. Mike gradually backs Stratton into the corner which commentary sells like he's been put into a hydraulic press. Stratton does an oversell for a pretty dreadful looking corner splash. Mike goes up top... wait no, he only goes to the bottom rope. And TRIPS on the bottom rope falling on his face! That's the finish, though.

They really would push any old big fucker on the 90's shindie scene, wouldn't they? Mike wasn't even tall enough to be an impressive big man and he could do nothing in-ring. Stratton did his best bumping for this loser.

In my head canon this Stratton guy is Tiffanys father or Uncle or something.

 

[Sky]

Entry #954
Alberto El Patron vs. Nic Nemeth
for the vacant AAA Mega Championship
AAA TripleMania XXXII Monterrey - April 27, 2024​

Okay, here we go, I guess. I didn't need to torrent this after all because AAA figured no one would want to pay for this and put it on their YouTube for free. So we watch the Monterrey portion of this year's huge mistake of a three-part show. And we kick off, weirdly, with a world title match! Yes, after an undercard that's just barely on the right side of mediocrity, Hijo del Vikingo vacates the title he's too injured to defend, to set up a match that's straight out of 2013 WWE, right down to Alberto being an unconvincing babyface. Let's see it.

Alberto comes out in khaki and takes it off to reveal he's wrestling in a shirt. The universal sign of an out-of-shape has-been. Start is very basic and rather stally. Alberto does a few mounted punches and Nemeth slips out of an armbar attempt. Alberto starts beating Nemeth about the corners. Nemeth tries a superkick but Alberto hides behind the ref. Now it's Nemeth's turn to do some beating in the corner, but Alberto grabs the arm and bars it off the ropes in a pretty decent spot. He goes up top but eats a Nemeth dropkick. Nemeth does a... facebuster thing? that's badly timed, Alberto forgets to fall. Elbow drop spam barely even gets two, Alberto kicks out right on two. He does not want to give anyone anything.

Alberto sent into the ring post and Nemeth climbs over for a seemingly unnecessary face rake. Out comes a table, and Alberto and Nemeth almost toss each other into it. Alberto's DDT gets two. He tries to powerbomb Nemeth through the table but Nemeth fights back. Alberto tosses Nemeth over the top rope and he just eats shit on the floor. Nemeth's complaining about an injured knee so Alberto follows TO THE OUTSIDE and throws a fan's drink at him. After a bit of furniture-bashing Alberto produces another table. The BOTO continues and Alberto undersells a ring post bash. He hits an enzuigiri as Nemeth goes back inside and gets two.

ON GOES THE CHINLOCK and I wonder if it's unfair that I mentally take marks off every match where a wrestler has the same basic moveset as we've seen here. But no, I've had to watch 950 of these things, I can get tired of the same style again and again. Alberto teases a kick but Nemeth hits one of his own for two. Alberto does an armbreaker with his knee but Nemeth turns right into DANGER ZONE~ for two. Alberto tries the cross armbreaker but can't extend it and Nemeth shuffles to the ropes. Then Alberto tries to flapjack Nemeth into the table but Nemeth leapfrogs away which is so cool. La Lanza attempt but Nemeth avoids it. He goes up top... Alberto catches him to powerbomb into the table which doesn't break. It doesn't even break after a seated senton by Alberto, which gets a two-count.

Alberto tries an enzuigiri but Nemeth dodges and hits a jumping DDT for two. In one of those ill-advised aerial shots, Nemeth puts Alberto's own cross armbreaker on him. Alberto's got to lift him out of it for a powerbomb. Nemeth matadors Alberto into the first table (which also doesn't break) and hits a second DANGER ZONE~ for two. Another superkick teased but Alberto hits a spinning backbreaker and clotheslines Nemeth out of the ring. He's going for a dive, Nemeth hits him with a beer bottle, hits a kick to the nuts and a third DANGER ZONE~ for the win and the title. He won't show up again until Mexico City.

This was largely like a 2000 WCW match without the hot crowd. It even had the token hardcore spots in an allegedly straight match. It picked up a bit towards the end but by that point it had lost me.

 

[Chris]

Seems mostly fine for AAA 2024 standards

 

[Sky]

Entry #955
Psycho Clown/Murder Clown/Octagon Jr./Laredo Kid vs. QT Marshall/Sam Adonis/Satnam Singh/Parker Boudreaux
AAA TripleMania XXXII Monterrey - April 27, 2024​

In a time-honoured tradition, next up we have a big old Mexicans vs. Foreigns match. In a less time-honoured tradition, the Mexicans have been booked into irrelevance for the past year and the foreigns are weaker than ever. This is apparently not as bad as its Tijuana equivalent, but it will probably be a poo anyway. Jeff Jarrett comes out to introduce his pals (who haven't heard the actual lyrics of Born in the USA) to face four of Mexico's most underpushed and we have a match. And yes, I know there's two champions in that Mexican team. AAA's the only promotion in the world where you can hold a belt and still be booked like a nobody.

Oh hey, that belt Laredo has (aside from the TNA DM Title which he actually wears) is the Showcenter Championship, which exists only when people are looking at it in Nuevo Leon. Big old brawl to kick off. And naturally, it's the heels that get heat, because fuck face shine to start, this is AAA! Boot choking, rope choking, and every other kind of choking. They set up a 3v1 on Psycho but he fights back and celebrates with Octa and Laredo before going for a triple dive that falls pretty badly short, particularly on Octagon's part.

Back in the ring Satnam and Murder are having a big man stand-off. Everyone attacks Satnam before Psycho uses a bin shot and sends him out. The three regular size luchadores try to tope Satnam but they just bounce off him, which is pretty funny. Then MURDER teases a dive but the heels wipe him out because Can't Give The Fans What They Want. Jarrett uses a bin on Laredo while the Murica Boys get together to make Murder dead for a bit. I'm not sure Boudreaux has done anything. Laredo comes in to take a neckbreaker from Adonis and a slingshot senton from QT. Octagon runs pointlessly into the four heels and gets punted by Satnam.

Adonis takes a swing with an American flag. Back on the outside Jarrett is giving Psycho an extremely soft chair shot. Boudreaux starts doing something... it's stomps. Just stomps. Jarrett gets in the ring and uses the chair and the ref just shrugs. Chokebomb by Satnam on Psycho. The other two help Adonis do a shiranui. More chair shots and Psycho's just dead. Jarrett goes to wave a tortilla(??) at Marisela at ringside but she throws water on him. Suddenly FABY APACHE COMES OUT???? And starts wiping out the heels by herself?? How is Faby the strongest booked face in this match? Jarrett goes to brawl with Psycho and Psycho starts slapping him with whatever that thing is. Everyone gets the slaps! Including the ref!

Time for the faces to do stuff! Laredo hits a frog splash and Psycho does a Code Red. Then they all line up for Murder to do the rope hung Whoopee Cushion spot. Laredo and Octagon all do flips to the outside so Psycho does a moonsault. Adonis has no idea Murder is behind him, and Murder slams Satnam(!!) before giving the 619(!!) to Adonis. That should be it but Jarrett pulls the ref away. Everyone gets together to give Murder some plunder, setting up a teased powerbomb through a wooden board... Jarrett uses the guitar and Satnam chokeslams Murder on the board for the outtanowhere heel win. Mask swipe of all the faces to set up a storyline that I'm pretty sure never happens.

A match that doesn't seem to know what the fans want. Far too long of just the heels dicking about, and then when the fans start to get invested, AAA abruptly pulls the rug because they don't know that not all "working the marks" is good. There is that moment with Satnam, the dives, and Murder being weirdly athletic, but no green match here. Also, Boudreaux was useless and totally lost, Jeff Jarrett did more than him.

 

[Sky]

Entry #956
Vampiro/El Mesias/Pagano vs. La Secta Cibernetica (Cibernetico/Ozz/Cuervo)
AAA TripleMania XXXII Monterrey - April 27, 2024​

And now to the main event of this show, a match that attracted a lot of attention, but not in a positive light. 1.50/10 on Cagematch is the verdict, and it's not hard to see why on that lineup. Just the presence of immobile dementia patient Vampiro being his very old self should be enough of an explanation. 2024 was his big retirement tour year, so we had to endure three matches of his on three TripleManias. Amazingly, 1.50 is not the worst rating he got this year! But that's for later. For now? Suffering!

Pre-match Latin Lover puts over Vampiro. La Secta come out to Seek and Destroy, and Vampiro probably has flashbacks to that awful 2000 feud with Sting. After the bell rings, Mesias grabs a FUCKING MIC and promos on Ciber. Fuck, Mesias looks awful. Ciber promos too, and Vampiro wanders around hunchbacked with no idea where he is. Eventually he snatches the mic and says "Monterrey" a lot before the typical brawl begins. That's three minutes wasted. The most athletic thing in the next minute of chaos is a leg rope choke by Cuervo. The rest is just punchy kicky. Ozz goes away and comes back with a shopping trolley, then joins his fellow Secta to gently step on Vampiro. And it's not just because it's Vampiro; they're similarly light on Pagano.

Secta wipe out Mesias with a chair, then attack Vampiro's legs which he undersells. Big chair shot to Vampiro which is not a good idea given the state of his body. They whip Pagano's teammates into him, and Mesias is at least able to stop himself. So the face comeback begins and Pagano hits a missile dropkick. At one point Vampiro does a headbutt which is an awful idea. Pagano tosses a chair full force at Ciber's face. TO THE OUTSIDE where Vampiro uses a chair and a cable! WCW 2000 lives! As if to prove my point, Mesias and Cuervo have made it into the crowd. Pagano does a headbutt off the apron and Mesias runs Ozz's trolley over him. Then they take the chair on a shopping trip. Mesias stops to say hi to Latin Lover and everyone seems to forget what they were doing until Ozz recovers.

Now Vampiro is legal, oh dear fuck. Cuervo goes for the legs and then does some corner charges until Vampiro manages to counter one. Big boot by Vampiro. Ozz holds Vampiro back for a bit to help Cuervo but You Know This Spot. Spin kick by Vampiro requires Ozz to break the pin. Back to Mesias/Ciber arguing again. They charge each other and play to the crowd. Eventually Ciber gets the advantage but can't make it last. The other Secta guys beat down Mesias but he counters and sends them into each other before sliding Cuervo right out. Dive from big Mesias!

Pagano/Ciber teased but Ciber rolls out. Pagano fights off the other guys and hits a DDT. Ciber tosses a chair but Pagano tanks it and does a rope hung piledriver on the chair. Leg drop follows but Pagano's favouring the wrist and can't pin. Mesias comes in to clown on Cuervo and Ozz, but eating a Ciber spear. Vampiro's in now and they have a slap fight. Out come some tacks... but out come Escoria and Espiritu, to side with Mesias! Yes, it's a Secta civil war again. The match just stops there. I mean, there's a finish, but no idea. Vampiro powerbombs Cuervo, tries for a top rope leg drop, but misses. Cuervo sets up a Figure Four but Vampiro counters into a small package for a really abrupt three.

A mess. Senile Vampiro just wanders around while they do the same old brawly shit around him. Fully deserving of the beating it got.

 

[Sky]

Entry #957
Mr. Iguana/Faby Apache/Pimpinela Escarlata/Nino Hamburguesa vs. Annubis/Keyra/Mamba/Toto
AAA TripleMania XXXII Tijuana - June 15, 2024​

The second date on the TripleMania XXXII calendar is this - a show that managed to sink lower than the Monterrey show just by being pointless. The new world champ? He isn't here. Where's your top challenger Alberto? He's playing second fiddle to Vampiro in a match I will get to. And so much of this card screams not "TripleMania", but "TNA One Night Only during the dark days where it's company guys vs. indie guys". In this case, it's AAA guys vs. stars from current fillers of the TJ lucha power vacuum, The Crash. This match is almost but not quite Atomicos de Locura - you've got the man, the woman, the exotico, but Crash don't have any minis so they just changed it to a fat guy slot instead. Let's go.

Everyone on Team Crash has some fancy gear but Toto's doesn't do anything for him. Microman gets his own entrance to lead Team AAA out. Referee is Hijo del Tirantes, oh boy! I can't wait for shenanigans and Faby getting screwed over for no good reason! Both exoticos start, and Pimpi's rather rigid (ooh err missus). They both do poses and the women come over and dropkick them. Faby's the proverbial house on fire until there's a really obviously rehearsed spot for Keyra to sunset flip her, that they probably only rehearsed in a four-sided ring. Annubis and Toto get shots in on Faby then Team Crash all comes in for a big mindless brawl. Ref isn't interested, naturally.

Everyone hits Iguana in the corner except Mamba who kisses him instead. Pimpi grabs Mamba's hair so the rest of Team Crash grab Pimpi's hair. They then all charge Pimpi in the corner. Now it's time to all hit Hamburguesa in the corner, finishing with a low dropkick from Keyra. Pimpi goes up on to the corner and Toto runs into some exotico ass. A Pimpi kiss from Toto helps to get Team AAA in control. Iguana trips Annubis over Microman. Then Hamburguesa and Microman each do cannonballs into different corners and AAA's notoriously STELLAR camera work misses the latter. Microman does a sign to ref. I don't get it. Now it's Hamburguesa and Keyra fighting and Keyra just bounces off this sphere. I'd heard Hamburguesa was at least an athletic sphere, but not really. He does a sit senton to Toto.

Back to Pimpi and Mamba, and Pimpi does a ropewalk armdrag and kisses the ref. Now Iguana vs. Annubis, so maybe some actual wrestling can happen. Annubis know how to stop himself on the ropes. Iguana knows how to... pass Annubis an iguana toy then roll him up for two. Cruceta applied but Mamba breaks it up. Mamba tries to pull Iguana's no-hair. Slingshot headscissors TO THE OUTSIDE by Iguana... Annubis dives... Pimpi goes for another kiss before diving... Moonsault to the outside by Toto... Faby helps Microman to the top with the iguana toy, and everyone wates for him to dive. Then Nino Hamburguesa does a dive too. Faby teases a dive but Keyra comes off the top to stop her. On the subject, it's Faby/Keyra now and Keyra does Eat Defeat but Faby doesn't really sell it. Superkick by Faby, but she gets sunset flipped for two. Dragon suplex by Faby gets the win out of nowhere.

The same AAA multi-person match you've seen a million times, in that there's a lot of ideas, no structure, godawful production, and a sense that nothing is happening for a reason.

 

[Sky]

Entry #958
Las Toxicas vs. Rosemary/Havok/Tasha Steelz
AAA TripleMania XXXII Tijuana - June 15, 2024​

Next up in our journey through the half-empty baseball stadium of life, we have some unexplained TNA crossover as if the unexplained The Crash crossover weren't enough. Three TNA Knockouts who aren't in TV programs at the moment (and could be called, but aren't called, "DeKurrrr") take on Flammer, La Hiedra, and Maravilla, the only women not named Faby Apache that AAA actually pushes. And how they're pushed - they're undefeated in trios for years. No way this goes any other way, right? Cagematch calls this 2.00/10, so let's see why.

This has got to be the first appearance of Havok's solo theme in years. Just to remind myself, because they're all in similar gear: Maravilla's the tall brunette, Hiedra's the blonde, Flammer's the shorter one and reigning Reina de Reinas. Flammer vs. Tasha first, and it's a wristlock exchange and a bunch of basics. Tasha does a jackknife pin but Flammer's shoulders are up the whole time. They go for holds, and Tasha tries some stuff but the other Toxicas show up and assault Tasha. They get Tasha on the apron and Flammer dropkicks her off. In comes Rosemary to take a 3v1 beatdown that the ref just shrugs at. Doomsday dropkick and Meteora to Rosemary. Rosemary dodges a double clothesline and tags in Havok who powers about and gets a 2-count off a slam.

Now time for Team TNA to decide the tag rules can go fuck themselves. Havok squishes Maravilla in the corner, then does the same to Hiedra, setting up a stinkface for two. Now it's time for a low-impact 3-on-3 brawl (Havok's forearms look poor, as do Hiedra's), ending in clotheslines and a sextuple down. Toxicas forget to sell it though. Rosemary and Tasha tries to dance-off the Toxicas but Flammer attacks Rosemary's arm. Hiedra holds back Tasha so Flammer can cannonball off the ropes... You Know This Spot and both Toxicas go into a frame of some sort which breaks. Maravilla's left alone with Decay and Tasha, but fights them off... until she eats a Havok powerbomb. Frog splash by Tasha wins it! Does this leads to a future AAA title shot for Tasha Steelz? Nope! They just go back home.

And that's the maddening thing about AAA. As soon as something interesting happens, you realise none of it matters. An actual non-bad match but too plagued with AAA disease to call it green.

 

[Sky]

Entry #959
La Secta Cibernetica vs. La Secta del Mesias
AAA TripleMania XXXII Tijuana - June 15, 2024​

One of the rare AAA stories that actually followed between TripleManias was the Secta vs. Secta feud, because that had been a big hit checks watch twenty years before. Cibernetico and Mesias have split up their Dark Family children like you would trinkets in a divorce and are facing off to decide the something something who cares. You know it's gonna be old man wrestling, and it's gonna be sad. Cagematch says 2.43/10, I don't doubt it.

Espiritu has a look that is simultaneously great and lame. We start with a brawl that clears everyone out except Cuervo and Escoria. Dropkick by Cuervo for two, Espiritu breaks it up. He does stuff and hits a powerbomb before Ozz breaks it up. Ozz does a powerslam but Escoria double stomps him. Escoria seems to forget where he is as Ciber comes in, avoids all his shit, and does a clothesline. Ciber avoids Espiritu who looks really bad in-ring and clotheslines him down. Ozz clears out Escoria but in comes Mesias (who looks awful physically). Both guys get their shine, until Mesias dropkicks Ozz out of the ring and dives to follow him.

Cuervo and Mesias lay corner stuff into each other until Mesias gets a forearm in. He stacks Cuervo up top for a big headscissors for two. Time for Ciber and Mesias to face off... oop no, it turns into a Dark Family brawl. Cuervo and Ozz have Mesias at their mercy and get their shit in, ending in a double spear. Rest of the Dark Family to the rescue, and Ciber recovers enough to take some moves from them. Double suplex gets two when Cuervo and Ozz come in. Chain of kicks leaves Team Mesias on top but Cuervo fights from the top rope and sloppily crossbodies Espiritu, then Ozz does it, distracting the ref enough to stop his own partner's visual pin. Make it make sense, AAA.

Two Dark Family slapfests leave the Ciber-side on top. They bring out a board and a table, so something's getting broken. Cuervo and Ozz both do dives which the camera misses. Now time for a Ciber/Mesias staredown again. They do some absolutely AWFUL forearms that have to be seen to be believed, then gently nudge each other's chin and sell it like a haymaker. Chokeslam by Ciber, then Mesias spears him into a table for three. Despite Ciber's shoulders being up the whole time in full view of camera. Commentary sounds as confused as I am.

Old dudes being old, promotion making this unwatchable, and a botch finish. What's to like?

 

[Sky]

Entry #960
Vampiro/Alberto El Patron/Murder Clown/Dave the Clown vs. QT Marshall/Sam Adonis/Satnam Singh/Parker Boudreaux
AAA TripleMania XXXII Tijuana - June 15, 2024​

And to finish things off in Tijuana we have some really awful looking shite. It was pretty commonly agreed the saving grace of the Monterrey match was the flying tecnicos to bounce off Satnam, so instead we get none of those. Instead we get washed Alberto, even more washed dementia patient Vampiro, and two members of the Psycho Circus not named Psycho Clown. Including one called Dave. Terrible as both a wrestler name and a clown name. This is the best-hated match on any of these TripleManias of 2024, getting a scarcely-credible 0.50/10 from Cagematch. Which, if you take the hivemind at their word, puts this in the top 30 worst matches of all time. Worse than the ROTC Mud Match. Worse than the Four Doinks. Worse than Crown Jewel 2018. Really, Cagematch? Really?

Once again, the heels are an extension of Jeff Jarrett. This kicks right off wtih a brawl where the heels have the edge. Again. Adonis is choking Vampiro who really doesn't react much. Alberto is wearing a beard now which looks wrong. Jarrett's interfering again. Vampiro still isn't selling for Adonis. Eventually he does go down for a big boot. And then a FACE BITE from Adonis. There's a Vampiro pin but camera misses the reason why. Now Alberto vs. QT and they're doing that WCW 2000 shit until Alberto gets a double stomp. He tosses QT on to Jarrett then does a dive on to both. In case you're wondering, through all this Satnam and Boudreaux have just been mindlessly brawling with the clowns.

Adonis tosses a chair at Dave's face. Vampiro's rolling around on the floor. Adonis clearly has no idea how to use a chair and keep holding it so Jarrett shows him how it's done. Big boot by Satnam gets two. There's nothing going on here, just four heels beating on Alberto and teasing the crowd. Boudreaux clotheslines Alberto out and now it's time to start abusing Dave. Jarrett punches Vampiro to take his chair. Camera cuts between the ring and Jarrett/Vampiro seem to miss every actual move in both. Jarrett does a face rake. Alberto starts to fight back. Murder takes an elbow.

Jarrett starts tossing tortillas into the crowd. The ref doesn't like this so Jarrett bumps him. Faby Apache comes out again to deal with Jarrett again. Then out comes Hijo del Tirantes (again) to stop Faby attacking Jarrett. It makes sense, more than most AAA stuff does, but it's baffling. I need to watch the singles match that HdT had in 2022. You're not misreading that.

Meanwhile in the ring, the tecnicos have recovered and they do their moves. Press slam by Murder, awkward leg drop by Vampiro, powerbomb by Dave, DDT by Alberto. Parker Boudreaux does some stuff and is shut down. Vampiro "does" a Canadian Destroyer and it's now time for that move to die forever. It used to be sold as an incredible athletic act, but all these examples of non-wrestlers and has-beens "doing" it necessarily exposes it as a move where the taker does all the work. So it's not even a high spot when actual wrestlers do it. It needs to go. Snake Eyes from the clowns on Boudreaux, then an Alberto back cracker. Alberto whacks Satnam with a stolen US flag. All three non-Vampiro guys can't catch Satnam and they pin him for two.

Suddenly, the match descends into brawls. Meanwhile Faby and Jarrett, who have been in the aisle the whole time, are back at ringside. Satnam's about to destroy Faby but LATIN LOVER makes the save. He takes the time out to clear out the entire heel entourage rather than help Faby. Satnam's downed by the clowns attacking his legs, then Latin wipes out Hijo del Tirantes. Everyone does moves on Satnam, but Alberto and Vampiro together can only pin him for two. Brawly slop returns, Dave and Murder do their dives (and the camera MISSES MURDER'S DIVE). Vampiro's about to hit QT with a Nail in the Coffin, but Jarrett low blows him and Satnam pins him with a boot on the chest (with HdT coming back in to count the pin).

What the fuck was this match. It seemed to run on Konnan weed logic where nothing makes sense but in a self-contained way everything makes sense. These are the stories and feuds AAA thinks they're pushing, but they're not, and it's just so much noise. Even Russo would say this is a bit much.

 

[Samoa Looch]

The Four Doinks Survivor Series Match is like Steamboat v Savage compared to this

 

[Sky]

Entry #961
"Filthy" Tom Lawlor vs. Paul Walter Hauser
MMA Rules Steel Cage Match
MLW Never Say Never - August 10, 2024​

I need a break from Mr. Roldan's Wild Ride, so to another 2024 match I go! And it's the debut of MLW in this thread - though not the last appearance, given one of these participants has another derided match. Not as derided as this one, though, as the first singles MLW match of actor/wrestling enthusiast Hauser has an absolute belter of a Cagematch rating at 0.64/10. That's worse than the Human Torch match! Surely not, right?

This match doesn't take place in the arena, but in an octagon at American Top Team gym. Hopefully there's no Dan Lambert to cut a misogynistic promo. Lawlor isn't taking this seriously, even drinking from a flask pre-match. This doesn't stop him pounding on Hauser and riding him like a pony. Hauser goes for a leg but Lawlor jumps up with a knee and downs him to pound him again. Hauser lifts Lawlor by both legs and slams him against the cage. He gets a fireman's carry and then a... something. Not a Samoan drop because he doesn't drop. Reverse Wasteland? Both guys go for that classic MMA technique of cage bashing, then Lawlor... uses a stool to send Hauser to the top of the cage? They're up top and Lawlor does rights but Hauser doesn't sell. Hauser's out of the cage and uses an MMA KENDO STICK.

They're now on the apron of a boxing ring nearby. Hauser props a stool in the cage and bashes Lawlor's face into it. He does what he thinks is back kicks then pours water in Lawlor's face. MMA-style corner splash followed by some kendo stick shots. A stolen Sandman's White Russian Legsweep gets two. Hauser tries to charge Lawlor off the apron (into the cage) but Lawlor dodges and Hauser goes flying (into the cage). Pin with feet on the ropes doesn't count, even though they're not even where the match is taking place anymore. Lawlor whips Hauser with his black belt and does some ROPE CHOKING! Running knee for two. Half crab by Lawlor ends in a rope break.

Hauser tries the lame crane kick, gets countered, but hits some moves after that. We're now outside the ring and Hauser shoves an official. Slam on the floor by Hauser. Lawlor gets the edge back by toe stomps and smashes Hauser's arm into a support. He tries a nut shot but Hauser blocks and fights back. They slalom through punching bags and have a tug-of-war with some cord which snaps right away. Hauser smashes Lawlor through another cage's wall! They're into the reception hall and Lawlor gives Hauser a Death Valley Driver through a catering table! This isn't MMA, but it's certainly wrestling!

Walk-and-brawl back to the cage at last. Lawlor goes for cage wall bashes aplenty. He kisses Hauser before putting on a rear naked choke... but stops before it's called because he wants to hurt Hauser more. He wields nunchucks while calling Hauser a "fake bullshit martial artist", but Hauser ducks the nunchucks and makes Lawlor hit himself. Haus Arrest finishes it.

I'm in two minds. One, it's really tonally jarring that Lawlor, who hates that this actor is in his business and wants to show him suffering, has what is basically for most of it a sports entertainment WCW Hardcore Title match. And then when they're back in the cage it's all business and nastiness. On the other hand... despite that, it was really inoffensive. I could call it "meh". If you like cinematic brawls, you could do far worse.