Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #940
Liv Morgan vs. Tiffany Stratton
WWE SmackDown - November 1, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on December 23, 2024.

In the build to the Liv vs. Nia match at Crown Jewel (which will be in this thread) Liv faced Tiffany Stratton on the go-home SmackDown. And the hivemind didn't like it. At 2.95/10, it's the worst-rated of any WWE match this year aside from Jimmy vs. Jey. Can it be that bad?

We join the match in progress! This was a Liv vs. Nia promo that Tiffy interrupted and demanded a ref so she could face Liv. By the time we come back from the ad break, Liv's already taken advantage. She goes all about bashing Tiffy into furniture including the Prime stand. Back in the ring Tiffy does a bit of pounding, then she does her handspring-cartwheel-back-elbow but Liv dodges. Liv tries to mount the corner but takes a powerbomb for two. Tiffy has a fireman's carry but Liv counters into a codebreaker for two. ObLIVion teased but Liv bounces right off and Tiffy double stomps her. Nia distracts the ref so Tiffy can grab the briefcase, but Liv ducks it and gets a handful of tights for three. Post-match Nia gets the briefcase, trashes Liv's entire entourage and hits the Annialator.

Really nothing TV match that no one gained anything from.

 

[Sky]

Entry #941
Liv Morgan vs. Nia Jax
for the 2024 Women's Crown Jewel Championship
WWE Crown Jewel - November 2, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on December 23, 2024.

I still don't like the concept of the Crown Jewel Championships. Yet another Saudi-only belt that you never see again. And it's just an excuse for story-free matches with weird face/heel dynamic. Case in point: both these women are heels so it's just going to be deathly quiet unless there's an obvious Tiffy cash-in moment. All of which means that our friends at Cagematch gave this a 3.58/10, the third lowest rating of any WWE PLE match in 2024. Let's see how much it earns it.

Liv tries to start with a dropkick but just bounces off. Nia overpowers Liv with a headbutt. Liv tries a slap but Nia hair-tosses her and gives her an elbow drop and a corner avalanche. Liv dodges the second and takes out Nia's knee. She does some cornered stuff, and I think she was going to mount the corner but just forgot where she was. She stretches Nia's leg around the rope and screams at the ref for administering a five-count. Liv converts a slam attempt into a DDT for two. Hey, at least Nia's a base so Liv can do her coolest stuff. Liv tries a Codebreaker but Nia pushes off and does her Samoan drop outtanowhere for two.

Liv manages to dodge a corner charge and tries to stomp Nia's back but Nia just treats it like a fly's landed on her. Second rope Samoan drop for two. Soon Nia's got Liv up top but Liv fights out with forearms (that Nia doesn't sell, naturally. After a bit of struggle Liv tries and succeeds in giving a sunset flip to a larger woman. IT'S TIFFY TIME and Tiffy wants to cash in... but Nia sees it and chases her off. The resulting argument lets Liv get a kick in. Liv tries a dive but Nia hits a forearm before sending Tiffy away.

Back in the ring they try to do a spot where Liv counters a Samoan drop into her crucifix bomb but Nia just lands on top of Liv and has to be rolled over. Double down and Tiffy's considering a cash-in again. Meanwhile Nia blocks ObLIVion and slams Liv for two. Raquel shows up to block Liv's cash-in. Raquel snaps Nia's neck across the rope which opens up a Liv Codebreaker for a two. Liv and Raquel try to intimidate Tiffy but Nia comes in and wipes everyone out. Back in the ring, leg drop, Annialator teased. Dom slips in Tiffy's briefcase which lets Raquel shove Nia off the rope. ObLIVion finishes it.

Really disappointing even considering it featured Nia Jax. So overbooked and full of storyline beats that are somehow overly obvious and overly convoluted and obscure at the same time.

 

[Sky]

Entry #942
IYO SKY vs. Sonya Deville
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 5, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on December 27, 2024.

There actually weren’t a lot of bad matches in the WWE-sphere in 2024, so most people’s worst WWE match of the year contenders are just mediocre. Like this one. 4.02/10 says Cagematch which is miraculously good by this thread’s standards, but people still call this one of the lowest of WWE’s lows this year. Particularly for featuring Sonya Deville! Let’s go.

This was meant to be Sonya vs. Dakota Kai but the Pure Fusion Collective crocked Kai so now she gets Iyo instead. Sonya comes in with typical strikes. Iyo dodges a baseball slide but takes some more knees. Soon she hits a headscissors takedown on Sonya to send her TO THE OUTSIDE. Iyo’s about to hit a dive but Shayna and Stark are behind her. Iyo kinda botches a kick to the outside but clears off the PFC members until Sonya sends her into the steps. One ad break later PFC are attacking some more, and Sonya does a pin for two. There’s a really awkward hair-toss moment where no one’s sure where to go. Iyo rolls Sonya up (after a bit of fumbling where they can’t get their arms right) for two.

Sonya misses a corner charge and messes up her shoulder. Dragonscrew leg whip by Iyo who starts her comeback. Back elbow, then Iyo goes up top for a missile dropkick. “This is boring” chants, which feels slightly unfair. Sonya fights back with knees, hitting a running knee for two. Iyo rolls through for a stomp and hits the Bullet Train knees, but Stark puts Sonya’s foot on the rope. Time for Kairi to deal with the rest of PFC on the outside. Deville’s Advocate teased but Iyo tosses Sonya out. Both women go to the same corner for a moonsault block and Insane Elbow! Cool spot. One more moonsault later, Sonya’s done.

Noticeable awkwardness owing to a lack of chemistry, but not as bad as they say.

 

[Sky]

Entry #943
Kelani Jordan (c) vs. Wendy Choo
for the NXT Women’s North American Championship
NXT No Mercy - September 1, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on December 28, 2024.

One last WWE-sphere match. I could keep going but I prefer to keep my sanity. This got 1.25 stars from Dave, which by modern Dave standards is like a DUD in the 90’s. I can tell why. It’s spooky mode Wendy Choo, a gimmick which I personally dislike. Let’s see what’s up.

“CaseOh is fat” sign in the crowd for some reason. Kelani shows off her athleticism early and hits a nice dropkick. She tries to do an armdrag on Choo who doesn’t move so she just rolls up for two. Monkey flip by Choo, who maintains a double wristlock for a while through some moves until Kelani unleashes a nice headscissors takedown. She dropkicks Choo off the apron and hits a nice plancha. Back in, she wants the split-legged moonsault but Choo rolls away. Choo wants a back suplex but Kelani flips out and hits a nice dropkick. Handspring moonsault for two.

Up top Kelani goes but Choo trips her, growls because gimmick, and sends Kelani dangling off the corner for a dropkick on the apron. TO THE OUTSIDE we go for a couple of weak-looking apron bashes. Choo does her headscissors neck snap. Big kick in the corner for two. Catapult into the turnbuckle, then a Flatliner while Kelani is on her knees. Kelani gets up and manages to roll up Choo for two, but eats a throat chop. Choo sends Kelani from corner to corner but Kelani gets an elbow up and does a sunset flip. Choo tosses her, kicks her down, and does her sleepy drop for two. Tree of Woe but Kelani counters, sits up, and gets out. Clothesline double down!

Time for Kelani to make her comeback. Choo counters a back elbow and hits a German, but doesn’t manage to counter the second attempt. Heel kick by Kelani, who then does a DDT on the ropes, rolls through, and hits an X-Factor from the front facelock position. Choo does the Taker sit-up, even through a crossbody, so Kelani stomps her away. Frog splash by Kelani for a close two. Choo rolls out, Kelani tries a springboard move, but Choo trips her up and hits a suplex on the floor. Full nelson by Choo but Kelani counters. Kelani tries mounted punches but gets powerbombed and full nelson slammed for two.

Choo seems to be going for some kind of sleeper but Kelani escapes by climbing over the ropes to the outside. Kelani wants to go up top but Choo cuts her off, tries a superplex… Kelani shoves her off. Choo goes up, both women slip and fall off. Cobra Clutch applied by Choo, bodyscissors on, arm drop routine, Kelani’s living. She shakes off Choo with a boot, unleashes some tired punches and does a Flatliner. She does a 450 splash, but that isn’t the finish, so she goes up for the split-legged moonsault for the three. Retains!

Perfectly fine match that the crowd wasn’t fair to. Nothing really impressive but undeserving of being remembered as a bad match. We’ve got a green match up in here!

 

[Sky]

Entry #944
Mercedes Mone (c) vs. Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D.
for the AEW TBS Championship
AEW All In - August 25, 2024​

After that brief journey to the past when there was still such a thing as a WWE Network, I begin to clean up the other Worst Match nominees for 2024. And this, I'm not gonna lie, is an odd one. When I'm looking for bad matches, usually "2.5 stars off Dave and 4.28 from the hivemind" isn't the level of bad I'm looking for. Maybe the standard of matches was just 10 times higher in 2024? I know there's a lot of harshness thrown at these women (in Britt's case, not entirely undeserved) but if that were the case wouldn't this rating go lower than that? Maybe people are just remembering the dead crowd as this was made to follow MJF/Ospreay. Anyway, you've compelled me to do this, so here it is.

HOLY SHIT I FORGOT THIS DETAIL, Mercedes comes out on a royal carriage with corgis and Kamille shoves away one of the guardsmen. That's the EXACT level of extra I expect from her. Britt tries to grab an arm and Kamille pulls on Mercedes so she can recover and get a forearm. OVW Thing ends with a dropkick by Mercedes. It looks like a hip toss is botched for a moment but it turns out Britt just countered into an armdrag and went for Lockjaw early. Rope break and Mercedes goes for a ride on Kamille's shoulders. Mercedes fights out of the corner, does a sloppy armdrag, there's a bit of scrambling and Britt tries Lockjaw aagain. Mercedes counters into a bridge pin.

It's so hard to see Britt as a babyface like the fans are. She hits a superkick out of the corner and goes up top, but a Kamille distraction lets Mercedes recover and do a backbreaker on the buckle for two. Time for Mercedes to target the back, and bundle Britt out to give Kamille a shot. Sidewalk slam for two. Mercedes tries to slingshot Britt off the ropes for a backbreaker but can't lift her high enough. She manages it second time round but it still looks weaksauce. Britt's back is stretched over Mercedes' knee but she fights off with knees of her own. Britt hope spot, she tries a fisherman neckbreaker but her back betrays her and it's all Mercedes again. Three Amigos for two.

Mercedes hits a pair of springboard knees to the back which is a nasty move. She goes up top, Britt fights up too, but Mercedes pounds the back and slams her off. Britt gets her knees up on a splash which is only in PiP. Britt's Famouser countered into a powerbomb for two. DMDRKO hit but Britt can't capitalise. Mercedes misses a corner knee so Britt can do some moves of hers. Sling Blade, Baker Buster, and Britt has the Lockjaw glove on! Mercedes manages to turn Britt's shoulders down, and drags the wrist about to take the glove off. Now Mercedes wears the glove and seems to be pressing the Steal Finisher button but Britt turns it into an Air Raid Crash!

Britt has the glove once again and tries an Air Raid Crash but she can't keep Mercedes up. Mone Maker countered into a cradle for two. Mercedes hits a back cracker as there's dueling DMD/CEO chants by now. Up top again as Mercedes stomps Britt's back to stop her from following but Britt hits a kick. Britt's fully up top but Mercedes tries to slam her off... BRITT WITH A TOP ROPE POWERSLAM for two?! How did that even work? How does wrestling physics work? I don't know but it's AWESOME. Kamille puts Mercedes' foot under the rope.

Time for the chicanery. Kamille introduces the belt and Mercedes tries to use it, but collides with the ref who catches her. Kamille's got the Strong Women's belt now but Britt avoids the shot and does the Eddie Guerrero spot which gets Kamille ejected. Britt is clearly struggling with the back but hits a destroyer and a curb stomp for a close two. Lockjaw applied after a bit of struggle... no, Mercedes manages to bite the hand first! Britt tries a backslide, but Mercedes fights up and shoves her into the top rope. Mone Maker, done.

Am I being too generous? Nah. This is wholly undeserving of being in this thread, which is why it's a green match. The things I can say about it was that there was a bit of slop early on and that Mercedes' new finish sucks all the ass. Otherwise, no complaints here.

 

[Sky]

Entry #945
Mistico vs. Chris Jericho
2/3 Falls Match
CMLL 91. Aniversario - September 13, 2024​

Here's one I don't anticipate being a green match, as it's Old Man Jericho! Only two people still think Jericho's a star, and sadly one of them is Tony Khan, and he's foisting Jericho on his international "partners", and this main evented over an awesome four-way mask match for no reason. This, among people from the lucha sphere, got an absolute thrashing. Will it get one from me? Probably!

The ring girls have their own dance routine to Judas. Big Bill is in with Jericho. They do a phone light thing for Mistico's entrance which is always a cool touch. There's a bit of stalling for time for that instant main event feel. Crowd loves Jericho for some reason. He hits a shoulderblock off the rope and they do an OVW Thing, series of armdrags, double missed dropkick, staredown. Jericho starts throwing hands in true American style and is in control. Mistico recovers with a springboard and a spectacular rope walk armdrag. Still they don't like him. Somehow they like him even less when he goes off the top to the outside, visibly missing Bill as Jericho walks away. Mistico comes back in with some springboard crossbodies. Into the ropes goes Jericho and Mistico tries a 619, but Jericho catches it and puts up the Walls to end the first fall.

Second fall starts straight TO THE OUTSIDE, where Mistico is crumpled on the outside and Jericho is grabbing the camera to show us that. Back in the ring, Jericho does a boot on the chest pin for two and then tries a mask rip. ROPE CHOKING! Jericho tries a kick against the ropes but Mistico dodges. Chop battle and then there's an obvious bit of miscommunication where I don't know what was meant to happen. Jericho misses a triangle-jump plancha and eats a tope suicida. Then Mistico hits his tornillo which visibly only grazes Jericho. Crowd is still booing this guy. Back in, Mistico up top but gets crotched. This starts a forearm battle on top, and Jericho's knocked off for a senton bomb. Springboard splash takes the second fall for Mistico.

Okay, fall three. We're on the outside again and Big Bill gets some shots in on Mistico, ending with an apron chokeslam. It gets two after a delayed pin and Jericho argues with the ref. They both do forearms to each other as this match is somehow losing my interest even more. Jericho misses a corner charge and tumbles out which lets Mistico do a spinning slingshot splash, but he finds only floor as Jericho's a mile away. Jericho hits a suplex on outside and then takes the ring to the cheers of the crowd. Back in the ring a looooong stalling suplex gets two. Jericho batters Mistico in the corner and does a headscissors for two. MORE ROPE CHOKING!! Mistico manages to fight back and pinball off the ropes from a big boot to get a superkick and double down. Mistico no sells a corner splash, hits one, and gets a powerslam.

Jericho gets a double underhook slam and tries the Lionsault but misses. Casita by Mistico gets two. Moonsault but Jericho gets the knees up and does a senton for two. More mask ripping! Mistico counters a back suplex and kicks Jericho into the ropes. He tries a 619, Big Bill catches him and holds him back for Jericho to attack... You Know This Spot and Bill's out on the floor. Finally he gets the 619, and then the famous spot from this match, the shitty slow-motion Mistica. If you haven;'t seen it you should seek it out, it looks so lame. Jericho can't help Mistico and Mistico isn't trying. Jericho counters and puts the Walls up again.

Mistico rolls out, goes for a springboard but eats the Codebreaker. Mistico dodges the Judas Effect and does another slow-mo Mistica to win. Post-match Bill invades and Orange Cassidy makes the save before giving Mistico the rub. Because you gotta finish your anniversary by building a totally different company's storyline!

Anyway, this match is not worst of all time tier, but it's far too long, exposes both men's weaknesses, and has no place maining any show.

 

[Chris]

I imagine if I just watched that match in a vacuum I would have liked it more but it closing the show made it fall so flat

 

[Sky]

Entry #946
Naomichi Marufuji vs. Kota Ibushi
NOAH The New Year - January 2, 2024​

Remember that? I used to do it in the other thread, when a wheel drew a bad match. Secretly, though, I was excited for the bad match. I've explained my reasons for my enjoyment of reviewing bad matches, even though my disposition may come across miserable when I'm doing it. There's too many people who seek out good matches, and I feel like I'm competing with them when I watch a good match for a thread. However, a bad match, I'm often in a class all by myself when I'm reviewing it. I can think whatever I want and it isn't "wrong". So yeah I enjoy bad matches... for the most part.

This, I can tell right now, is probably going to be the exception. It has the same stink coming off it that Ric Flair's Last Match did. It's not going to be a botchfest, or a silly gimmick, or even one of those ones that pleasantly surprised me like the David Sammartino match at Mania 1. It's just going to be really sad, and really boring, and go on way too long. It's going to feature as its centrepiece a man who is broken down long before his time, and yet insists on doing what he can't anymore. And refusing to get help for things that can be helped. And it's going to do that for thirty three minutes and change. Yeah, I'm just going to call this as a red match before I've even seen it. Just from the background I already know you shouldn't watch this. And yet, I must.

Ibushi is already gingerly limping to the ring which is a great sign. There's a long Big Fight Feel staredown to start, which makes me think that if this were a Fujita/Shiozaki 30-minute staredown it would be better than an actual match. Bit of a feeling out, both guys trying to get holds and control of each other. Marufuji manages to knot both legs, Ibushi tries to do the same but there's a rope break. Ibushi has a headlock and Marufuji repeatedly rolls his shoulders down. Really obvious slow count saves Ibushi from defeat. And then Ibushi goes for another headlock that he clamps on. I don't get why the ref asks Marufuji if he's done. That's never the finish. Goes to the corner. This puts the "slow" in "slow-built technical masterclass"...

Then Marufuji breaks out of nowhere with a flipping kick. Back to the middle, Ibushi kicks Marufuji but Marufuji catches a leg... there's a staredown in the caught leg, and then Marufuji puts it down. Ibushi has an opportunity to unleash chops against the ropes but he just... doesn't, he gently slaps the chest. Marufuji does a real chop though so Ibushi does a kick and some forearms. Time for Marufuji to wring the arm... TO THE OUTSIDE we go to send Ibushi into the post. A chop on the guardrail, then another arm into the post. Back in the ring Marufuji works the arm, seemingly to try and get Ibushi into fighting spirit no-sell mode. It doesn't really happen and he's just downed.

Ibushi does a few forearms and then sort of charges the corner but doesn't. The lack of leg strength of Ibushi shows through for the first time as he can't get enough height to float over the corner to the apron. He tries to springboard but he can't get over. Hey, at least they manage to wangle it into a spot that looks kind of planned, as Marufuji grabs the arm and drags him back over. Time for an armbar which eventually ends in a rope break. Ibushi uses his good arm to do a few fairly weak forearms. Now a headscissors submission by Ibushi, who's being a cheeky bastard by making Marufuji's arm tap for him. And BOOT CHOKING! This is dragging and there's still over 15 minutes to go. Ibushi starts targeting the back with elbows and kicks. Marufuji pulls out a dropkick to come back.

There's a corner back elbow, another Ibushi kick block (in slow motion)... Ibushi "does" a powerslam, and "does" is a stretch as he can't get enough rotation so he nearly drops Marufuji on his head. He then "goes" up top (slips on the second rope) and then hits what I think used to be a moonsault for two. Standard waistlock exchange, they almost forget which direction they're running the ropes, then Marufuji does a dropkick. They're grappling on the apron as the Japanese crowd aren't "polite", they're just not really caring. Back body drop by Ibushi, and then he teases a German over the ropes, and the jeopardy isn't "will Marufuji survive this" it's "does Ibushi even have the strength to do this?" He doesn't, it's only a tease. The real spot is Marufuji doing an apron Emerald Flowsion, which doesn't interest me thanks to the preceding 20 minutes.

Ibushi beats the count, avoids some Marufuji dropkicks, and inexplicably does a moonsault to the outside on which he fucks his OTHER ankle. That's not sell limping, that's legit limping. Back in the ring, a few fake looking kicks and an Ibushi lariat. "Marufuji looking completely done now" says English commentary. You and me both. Marufuji chops fire up Ibushi for some forearms. Marufuji kicks Ibushi in the head a few times so he can no sell more. Time for Ibushi to lay in some closed fists (really light, badly worked closed fists at that) and shove the ref away... MARUFUJI STEPS OFF THE REF FOR A KNEE STRIKE! Okay, that's cool. Not worth 25 or so minutes, but cool.

Marufuji hits a superkick and tries the Shiranui but Ibushi converts into a back suplex, and it felt like he was struggling to stand long enough to keep Marufuji in position. Marufuji doesnt sell that long-term instead going right into the Hurricane Mixer, then a Shiranui which Ibushi takes all on his neck because you might as well break everything on your body at this point. Ibushi resists a fisherman suplex attempt and knees Marufuji in the cock. They're both tripping over trying to set up a superplex spot. And while they're on the top Ibushi hits a really light imitation of a Kamigoye to knock Marufuji off, and falls back himself. My guy. You've got no ankles. Why do that? Another Ibushi knee gets two.

Golden Star Bomb for two, which gets no elevation because Ibushi can barely even support himself. Kamigoye attempt which ends in a really awkward looking sunset flip. Marufuji's trying the Perfect Keylock (because oh yeah, he was meant to be working the arm) as they pass the 30-minute mark. I wouldn't call it "perfect". "Adequate" fits more. Rope broken. Some stuff gets dodged until Marufuji hits the hook kick. He then tries a few knee strike variations but only gets two. Tiger Flowsion only gets two. Ibushi gets a slow motion kick, a couple of Kamigoyes for two... pad down, knee in the back, and another Kamigoye mercifully ends it. A couple of NOAH's main guys look at Ibushi as if to say "what the fuck, we didn't get the main event and that shit did?" but Ibushi walks off.

What I expected. A dreadful experience, dragged far too long by a man that can't even go short anymore. What is going through Ibushi's head that causes him to not only work hurt, but actively hurt himself more? Why did NOAH allow this? There's no pace in anything Ibushi does, no urgency. I wouldn't say Marufuji was perfect either, but he tried his best to make it watchable. However, he isn't a miracle worker. I'm sticking with this being a red match. Really sad stuff.

 

[Sky]

Entry #947
Mad Man Pondo vs. Abdullah Kobayashi
Scramble Bunkhouse Kitchen Deathmatch
BJW Great Kojika's House Deathmatch - August 21, 2003​

Yeah, I said I was going to do TripleMania but come onnnn. Look at this. I can't possibly pass this up. This looks like it's going to be the most delightful type of stupid nonsense. The main gimmick here is that it's taking place in BJW owner Great Kojika's house. Actually, Kojika saw there was a game show set house on sale, bought it, and put it in Korakuen Hall as a setting for some hardcore shenanigans. The story being that Hido has invaded his house and is looking to ransack it with some fellow heels. And Pondo is one of those heels, facing off against the Japanese Abdullah the Butcher who's defending the kitchen. Let's cook!

Abdullah's defending the front door (with a giant fork and spoon) but Pondo comes in the back door and starts beating on him. DDT on a set of shelves, then Pondo tosses Abdullah through the wall. He pulls out a GIANT FISH and starts hitting Abdullah with it. Even a match that takes place in a house has to fit in some brawling in the crowd. This lasts about 20 seconds until we go back to the house set. Abdullah reverses a suplex on to fake grass. Elbow drop for two. Did I mention Abdullah's wearing an apron for the first half of this? He tries and fails to smash through the clear plastic fake windows, as does Pondo.

We now go to the kitchen itself where Pondo uses NOODLES as a weapon. Abdullah uses his oversized cutlery and blocks the crockery that Pondo tosses at him. By the dishwasher-load, might I add. Then he GOES INTO THE FRIDGE AND STARTS STIRRING WITH EGGS! "THIS IS JAPANESE FOOD" says the commentary in English. Pondo throws the concotion over his head. Abdullah does a pathetic Irish whip into a cabinet, then smashes a watermelon over Pondo. Pondo recovers using a lamp. He stacks Abdullah on the table, then climbs the oven. And smashes a cake on Abdullah's chest. There's nowhere near enough ceiling so he hits his head. The really weak looking dive that results doesn't break the table, but does cause a three. Pondo slips a little on the scattered ingredients as he leaves.

I got the intense feeling that they weren't really trying hard enough. Why did they leave the house and go for a crowd brawl midway through? Doesn't that defeat the purpose immediately? This could have been so much more. Use the apron for a choke! A stack of forks for a rudimentary tacks spot! Tease the fridge falling on one of the guys and killing him but he dodges at the last minute! Legitimately the best thing I've ever booked was the McDonald's Deathmatch and that used the setting better. At least it's still better than the House of Horrors, as that didn't have an unexplained culinary interlude.

 

[Samoa Looch]

Oh man... yea, going from your descriptions, I agree that that could've been way more.

I mean

The main gimmick here is that it's taking place in BJW owner Great Kojika's house. Actually, Kojika saw there was a game show set house on sale, bought it, and put it in Korakuen Hall as a setting for some hardcore shenanigans. The story being that Hido has invaded his house and is looking to ransack it with some fellow heels. And Pondo is one of those heels, facing off against the Japanese Abdullah the Butcher who's defending the kitchen.

sounds absolutely delightfully awesome. Could've easily been the best "house invasion" angle/match in Wrestling history.

 

[Sky]

Entry #948
Mike Samples vs. Daikokubo Benkei
Bathroom Chain Deathmatch
BJW Great Kojika's House Deathmatch - August 21, 2003​

Next we tak e a trip to the smallest room in the house with Mike Samples! According to at least one indie promoter of the 1990s, he's the world's most popular wrestler! Despite looking like shit! He's up against Benkei who's defending the bathroom. Let's circle the drain!

Oh man they actually START this one in the crowd. At least they're already chained together. After a bit of scrapping they both try to squeeze their doughy deathmatch bodies through the once. We're in the bathroom, and it begins. And immediately Samples tosses Benkei into the cheap cardboard wall, breaking it. Benkei brings down a second wall. Suddenly Samples manages to get the chain around Benkei's neck and choke him. He then shoves a plunger in Benkei's face, before holding him in the flushing toilet water for what seems like far too long until the ref calls the match. Everyone briefly worries that Benkei has legit drowned before he's helped to the back.

That did nothing for me. It was just two fat lads wandering into a spot, and then they did a spot, and it finished. We're 0 for 2 on fun house shenanigans so far.

 

[Sky]

Entry #949
BADBOY Hido/2 Tuff Tony vs. MEN's Teioh/Ryuji Ito
Domestic Violence Match
BJW Great Kojika's House Deathmatch - August 21, 2003​

Oof, that title. At least it implies we're getting more use out of the house than so far. You know, apart from the fact that it's also named after spousal abuse. Anyway, the build to this has Teioh come in and he and Ito try to put the house back together when the heels come in to Sharp Dressed Man. I cannot think of a less fitting theme for either of these guys. Guess we've got a match!

Tony tries to toss a barbed wire bat against an upstairs window MULTIPLE times. It's not glass you moron. This starts as just a brawl. Tony has a cabinet and Hido starts swinging a golf club all around Ito. It breaks a TV which doesn't explode like they do in WWE, so Hido hits it some more times. Tony and Teioh are now in the master bedroom. The coffee table is now the latest table that doesn't break. Teioh tosses a plant from above at Hido. Hido tags Tony from over the balcony so they can switch brawls. He grabs a portrait and smashes it over Ito's head. Tony threatens to use a stuffed deer head but Ito counters and manages to tag Teioh in(???). Kojika stands outsid and looks on disappointed.

More brawling! Hido tries to protect himself with famlly photos. Tony smashes a shelf over Teioh's head, but Teioh finds some UNDERWEAR! Hido trashes some trophies. Teioh is choking Tony with a vacuum cleaner's nozzle. He then chokes Tony with a phone cord AND TAKES A CALL FROM IT! Meanwhile on the upper floor garden, Hido thrashes Ito with a cactus. TROPHY LIGHTSABER DUEL by Teioh and Tony! Tony gets colour fior the first time, blading Teioh with TV monitor debris. After failing to break the window a second time, he uses a picture of Rikidozan as a weapon. Cut to the bedroom where we find out that Ito likes to choke Hido in bed. FINALLY they manage to break one of the windows. Guess that one was real glass.

It's four in a bed and the heels do a double chokeslam, hitting Teioh's head on the ceiling along the way. Another picture gets broken. The barrier falls apart. The ground floor now looks like the aftermath of an earthquake. Back to the garden balcony and they're brawling and tossing shit off it. One almost hits Kojika. They're leaning off the balcony but nothing comes of it and they brawl back inside. As Hido and Teioh are going the furniture is falling apart all around them. Hido tosses a wire to Tony who uses it to hang Teioh from the rafters. Down the stairs go Ito and Tony who cause another wall to collapse. Teioh shoves a magazine in Hido's face.

They're now on the disaster-scene ground floor, falling over debris and each other. Ito does a dive from the first floor but the heels catch him and ram him into the wall. Tony does a Beach Break on the coffee table anmd it finally breaks. Teioh breaks up the pin. Chokeslam by Teioh for two. There's another pin but camera misses what it was for. Teioh mistreats the TV while Tony has a drink of whisky and sprinkles the rest on him. Now Hido is enjoying whisky. Teioh and Tony do some spots with a chest expander that gets no pop. The heels toss the faces through the sliding doors and it just sort of ends. By "house out", apparently. Being tossed out of the house with both feet hitting the floor.

The thing that bothered me about this match was the lack of real structure to it. They did the fun spots but there was no real build to them, it was just things. Again and again, just things. And stuff. No rise and fall. Just visual noise.

 

[Sky]

Entry #950
BADBOY Hido/2 Tuff Tony/Mad Man Pondo/Mike Samples vs. Abdullah Kobayashi/Daikokubo Benkei/MEN's Teioh/Ryuji Ito
House Annihilation Deathmatch
BJW Great Kojika's House Deathmatch - August 21, 2003​

This continues from the last match, as Kojika comes with a sledgehammer and tries to smash the house up, because if he can't have it, no one can. The brawl resumes as Kojika goes upstairs to grab a priceless vase. Hido wrestles it out of his hands and tosses it down the stairs, where it doesn't smash until it's rolled several metres. The remaining heels come out to celebrate Hido's new ownership of the house (Pondo still with the fish), and Kojika threatens to smash it again. So we move on to the final match... another match where everyone hits each other with shit!

And yup, they're hitting each other with shit to start it off! Teioh uses a barbed wire bat to counter Hido's wooden chair. Tony uses a barbed wire racket. Fire extinguisher spot by Hido (oh hey, Benkei survived!). Teioh has a KATANA and battles Tony with it. He then grabs a tiger rug and wears it but Pondo carves at him with the katana. Which is clearly not sharp because he's holding the blade. Pondo then tosses the katana into the house wall and it just sticks there. HE GOT A BICYCLE! Benkei does some bad looking shit to Samples but Pondo sends the bike on to him. Hido and Abdullah have now found themselves on the balcony in the crowd. Back at the house Teioh sets up a glass board and back body drops Tony on to it. Benkei lays the bike on Tony.

Pondo has a fishing rod and casts it right at Ito. Teioh puts a bin on Samples' head. Nothing happened with Hido and Abdullah, they're just back at the house now. Teioh gets hit with the FISH and manages to get in a bin lid shot before flopping. Everyone gets together to abuse the poor innocent TV. Abdullah uses a potted plant as a whip. The second glass window is found and smashed. Abdullah grabs a pillar and the REF helps him to send it towards Tony. Tony ducks though. The next few spots with pillars expose that they're blow-up. Pondo grabs a barbed wire guitar but Teioh uses it on him. Kobayashi tosses some shelves out of a missing wall at Pondo.

Now people are mostly just wandering about to the next spot. Ito whips Tony into a door and uses a chair (on both Tony and the door). Pondo and Abdullah take a friendly walk into the crowd and do basically nothing but a headbutt. Abdullah needs to stop using the pillars, they're so clearly not solid. Samples and Hido lamp him with things while, on the top floor garden, Ito's kicking things down on his own. He briefly falls into the void. HERE COME A BUNCH OF OTHER DUDES! They're all crammed into a lift! They head on to the scene as Hido is choking Abdullah out and start tossing shit. Then a couple of other dudes come who are against the first dudes. One's dressed as a cowboy.

Up on the garden balcony, it's collapsed! The new dudes are up on ladders breaking down the front of the house. It's all breaking apart, but it's not breaking apart well enough. Things that should break aren't. One of them throws the bike. Another throws a bed frame. Another abuses a wall of cinderblocks. In the house, on the upper floor, it's Tony vs. Teioh and Ito. Tony charges them, eats a back body drop, over-rotates and lands right on his face. It's a damn good job the thing in the way of his face was a mattress and not, say, one of those cinderblocks. Ito straps some shit to his chest and splashes Tony for the three.

Once again, it's just shit happening with no real structure to it. This sort of shenanigans should be green match central, but really I felt nothing.

 

[Sky]

Entry #951
The Bella Twins vs. Paige/Emma
WWE Monday Night RAW - February 23, 2015​

For the first time in this thread, I think ever, we're celebrating a milestone on the same day that milestone actually happened. Yes, it's the 22nd for you, but it's past midnight for me so shut up. On this day, 10 years ago, was the match that sparked #GiveDivasAChance, and therefore inspired Stephanie McMahon to invent women by calling up Charlotte, Becky, and Sasha with negative plan. The Divas' Revolution is a decade old, sort of. Let's have a (very) quick look at the dire state of the Divas division in 2015.

Paige and the Bellas each have decently long entrances. Emma thinks Paige is her friend, the adorable dumbass, and Paige is being tsun. She tries to charge the Bellas mid-entrance. Start is Brie and Emma, but Brie goes to the apron to clock Paige. X-Factor from Brie, and that's it. Paige attacks Brie but then gets wrecked by Nikki. I remember it being a lot longer than that...

When I look at it now, it's really insulting. Two of the four participants didn't even tag in, and there were two moves (if you count the elbow on the apron as a move). This was WWE's idea of women in 2015. Trash.

 

[Rosie]

That was the moment where people were like "Enough is enough." We saw what Emma and Paige did in NXT and what the women did after they were called up. Even if Emma and Paige weren't five star machines, but were already showing "Hey, we're capable of busting our asses." Years, as Michelle McCool revealed, women were told to hold back. They weren't holding back. Even women on the roster who either later, or during said time were showing they could do well, you could tell they were not given the time or were holding back. Despite some flashes of brilliance (AJ Lee, Brie and Steph's match at Summerslam last year, the Paige/AJ storyline being kinda fun) it was not happening yet. This moment was shit booking. No match, waste of time of 4 women who were more than capable of doing something strong, or at least stronger.

10 years later, women's wrestling in North America is healthy. WWE finally caught up, and now there are female stars who have, and are, capable of being PPV main events and show-stealers.

So thank God this match happened.