Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #963
Vampiro vs. ???
Casket Match
AAA TripleMania XXXII Mexico City - August 17, 2024​

Speaking of random AAA nonsense, we've got the big Vampiro retirement match. Your favourite Canadian dementia patient wrestled a lot in 2024, in bouts billed as "last match in this city". Watching him do what he thought was wrestling, I'm praying the retirement sticks and he doesn't come back, ever. The other unique thing about this match is that there's no opponent. Legit, no opponent was ever announced, even during the event itself. So instead we get Vampiro vs. something. Wonder what that something is?

We kick off with a hearse driving its way to the ring (a hired hearse, with ad copy on the roof), and they forklift a casket to a spot on the stage. Hopefully that means Vampiro came out of a trap door, because the casket fairly rattled about a bit. He gets his grand entrance, but he's jumped by Jeff Jarrett and Sam Adonis. Adonis chokes him with an American flag and the heels beat him up while he allegedly sells. Eventually he decides to stop slling until Jarrett uses a guitar. Which doesn't break. Into the crowd we go for walk-and-brawl. Just like his WCW run!

After a bit of beating from Team USA, we reach a flower-covered portrait of Chessman, and then the genuine article (looking more spherical than he used to) shows up and joins the forearm shot squad. Then Pagano and Mecha Wolf show up and neutralise the heel trio, while Vampiro wanders off confused and receives pats from the fans. Another portrait is revealed (wait, was that Jerry Other??) to contain Pirata Morgan, because they had a good match three decades ago back when both could move. He slugs and bites Vampiro, and Vampiro taps, but the match isn't over. Up shows Octagon Jr. to try and make something of this stiff. Hey, if he could work with AJ Francis, he could work with anyone!

Portrait number three is revealed as Cien Caras, who shows up with the members of NGD who aren't imprisoned for attempted domestic murder (yet). Cien doesn't move from his spot, with his sons bringing him to the place where he was sitting so he can land a punch. In comes Konnan (to Eye of the Tiger, really?) to argue with Cien. In the background is Bestia 666 and Hijo del Vikingo (at least I think it's them) clearing out the NGDs, because who cares about the current generation, old guys reign supreme. Meanwhle Vampiro's trudging again, and portrait number 4 contains El Mesias! Wrestling Society X reference! They actually refer to it on commentary.

We're finally back at ringside where Mesias bashes Vampiro into furniture. Up the ramp they go, walking and just barely brawling. Mesias slams Vampiro on stage, and Team USA come back to do some more stuff. They want to put Vampiro into a casket, but it's already occupied. By fuckin' La Parka. I thought this was distasteful then and I do now. He died for real. Why have a guy in his mask in a casket? Anyway Mecha Wolf and Pagano come back and it becomes a bunch of lads brawling once again. Vampiro is really not selling. He kicks Mesias in the nuts and brawls him into the casket. Which then bursts into flame. Take notes, STARDOM. This is how you blow up a casket.

Hey, at least it's better than Vampiro having an actual match. He managed to do 0 wrestling moves, wander his way through a crowd of brawling nostalgia pops, win a match, and not emote in any way. My main dilemma here is not whether it sucked - it did - but whom to credit for it. If you ask Cagematch, Mesias should be considered the sole opponent, for it was he who was put in a casket to finish the match. But that's not giving everyone else involved enough credit. They did just as much nothing as Mesias did, more nothing than anyone else except Vampiro. So I guess I'm going to have to say Vampiro beat El Mesias, in a match containing an ass ton of other people. However, I think the best representation of this match is how I headlined it. Vampiro vs. ???. Just that. Just ???.

 

[Sky]

Entry #964
Nic Nemeth (c) vs. Alberto El Patron
for the AAA Mega Championship
AAA TripleMania XXXII Mexico City - August 17, 2024​

Finally. I never want to see another AAA match again. It's such a depressing promotion. I could be watching the Fish Market Street Fight instead of this. Here's the return match from Monterrey. I'm sparing you the pre-match promo in which Alberto acts the patriot by yelling to camera and showing off his roid veins.

JBL comes out with Nemeth. There's a playing of the national anthems, and the US anthem is pre-recorded so they can't butcher it like the live band butchers the Mexican one. Hijo del Tirantes is ref, hoo boy. Playing to the crowd, a lock-up, then more playing to the crowd. They thankfully pull off an actual move early on, Alberto doing a couple of spinning backbreakers. But then they go right TO THE OUTSIDE. Alberto does one turnbuckle bash and then gets out a bit of board. Nemeth tries to dropkick Alberto as he comes in, slips on the board, and falls on his ass. Alberto goes off the top but Nemeth manages to hit the dropkick this time for two.

Nemeth with his series of elbows for another two. He sets up the board in the corner. Alberto avoids being sent into it but gets rolled up for two. Gorilla press by Alberto but Nemeth slips out, followed by countering a powerbomb into a sunset flip. Famouser for two. Nemeth goes up top again but Alberto trips him. He struggles following him to the top rope for a suplex, and it gets two. Nemeth's on the apron and Alberto hits an enzuigiri, doesn't know how to run the ropes properly for a dive... Nemeth tosses some board at him. He then shoves Alberto into the board to break it. Back in the ring Nemeth hits a flying elbow for two.

Alberto tries something, Nemeth counters, but fails to hit the Danger Zone. A bunch of counters that just look like botches, then Nemeth hits a jumping DDT for two. Nemeth misses a corner charge and eats some turnbuckle bashes. Now Alberto climbs, but he takes too long and Nemeth just gets up to trip him. In comes a table, and Nemeth takes forever to set it up. Superplex teased but Alberto gets Nemeth up in a fireman's carry... but he does nothing with it and just shoves Nemeth through the table. Camera misses the resulting frog splash (which gets two) for a replay. Alberto is angry with the ref for not counting three and they lightly shove each other.

Out goes Alberto for a non-folding chair. Hijo del Tirantes decides this weapon, unlike any other weapon used tonight, is not okay. The kerfuffle lets Nemeth hit Danger Zone for a fast-count two. Superkick teased but Alberto throws the ref in front of Nemeth. A REF BUMP OF COURSE! One that doesn't make any sense given the twist coming up! We don't see what move lets Alberto get a visual pin. HdT is back up, Alberto talks with him but takes a superkick for another fast-count two. Nemeth clotheslines and dropkicks Alberto back outside. Alberto grabs a drink from a fan, tosses it at Nemeth (it's like poetry, it rhymes), hits a low blow, and wins with the three.

I'll spare you the twist other than this blow-by-blow. Latin Lover shows up with the belt and says "nah, we're not having screwy finishes any longer" (wait, where were you in the women's match?). Alberto immediately turns heel and beats the shit out of Latin. He reveals a nebulous eye tease on the previous shows was him all along. Konnan and Dorian Roldan both show up, fake a save, and continue the beating. JBL is on their side too. Not a single good guy shows up to try to make the save, because AAA is not only depressingly bad, it's depressingly bleak.

AND I AM DONE. This offered very little that Alberto and Nemeth's previous match didn't. Alberto is washed and Nemeth is just playing an imitation of his Dolph Ziggler moves. The shenanigans didn't make terribly much sense. And it's the same old "Dorian and Konnan as evil owners who never get their comeuppance" shit. Please let this promotion die before TripleMania 33.

 

[Sky]

Entry #966
Bob Sapp vs. Necro Butcher
IGF Genome12 - May 9, 2010​

I saw this match had happened while doing TEW research, and revelled in its incredible cursedness for a while before immediately going to this thread. I knew immediately this had to go here. Because this is the weird shit you love. Not only was Necro Butcher, one of the icons of mindlessly slicing himself open, in Inoki-ism, but he was against Bob Motherfucking Sapp. Past his prime Bob Sapp, but still. I literally cannot think of two more diametrically opposite wrestlers. They share nothing in common. Who had the idea for this to happen? I mean, I know it was Antonio Inoki, but still.

(You may have noticed that I've skipped a number, by the way. That's because I've put in Josh Barnett vs. Montanha Silva from the old thread - and from a couple of IGF shows after this - as a green match. Because it should not work, qualifying it for the compendium of Bad Wrestling, and yet it does. Anyway, back to the freakshow!)

They show off a clip of Necro having a stiff bloodfest with Minowa on the previous show, which I should probably watch too, if not for this thread. They call him "Hardcore Homeless" as he enters, which I can see. He looks like he lives out a car that isn't even his. Sapp is full Ric Flairing it up again. Necro attacks Sapp from behind and goes for turnbuckle bashes, but Sapp no-sells it and does some of his own. A corner splash sends Necro TO THE OUTSIDE and he grabs the bell. Sapp really choreographed-ly sends him back in and does a dropkick. Washed Sapp doing a dropkick, you love to see it. A BEARHUG (because it's the 1970s) is broken by a Necro eye rake and then by a bite.

Necro knees Sapp out then comes off the apron with a clumsy cannonball. He tries to slam Sapp but obviously fails. Sapp picks him up for a couple of super slo-mo turnbuckle bashes. Necro blades for this. Sapp does some genuinely pathetic ground-and-pound with no-contact strikes. It's Morasca-esque. Sapp's got a bit of Necro's blood on him. Necro counters a corner splash and hits a lariat for a double down. Sapp kicks out fo a pin at one. Necro responds with ROPE CHOKING!! He drapes Sapp off the apron and elbows him in the throat. He then pulls a shopping bag out of his jean shorts, because of course he does, and tries to suffocate the big lad. No DQ called because wrestling is silly.

Necro goes for a jackknife pin for two, then starts eye-raking, trying to open up a wound on Sapp's face. Russian legsweep for two. Necro then hits a stunner which commentary calls as a cutter. Or maybe Sapp just didn't sell it right. Necro goes up top but Sapp tosses him down, finishing with a jumping powerslam for the three (and Necro kicks at 3.1, which is just about as much respect as the big galoot deserved by this point).

Maybe there's a reason Sapp only went one minute in that show I reviewed before lol. Both immobile and clumsy, two things you never want a wrestler to be. How is Mr. Stupid Bleeding the ring general in this match?

 

[Sky]

Entry #967
Team 3D vs. Shark Boy/Curry Man
Fish Market Street Fight
TNA Destination X - March 9, 2008​

Finally, I get to review this. One of TNA's favourite "weird" moments to revisit. That time four men decided to slap each other about with fish. This could be any number of things. It could be a regular sucky match, it could (and probably will) be a green match. It could even be a red match if one of them gets food poisoning and shits their entire inside out and dies in the ring. (Note: that will not happen.) It's the FISH MARKET STREET FIGHT baby! Let's do this!

This starts off, weirdly enough, with a weigh-in. Apparently Jim Cornette is concerned that Team 3D is too fat, and they keep getting weighed in. If they don't lose weight, they get fired. I have little memory of this angle, but I know it was silly. Brother Ray underestimates the number of people who want to see him fired. Anticlimactically, there's no trick, they just make weight and they don't even smash the scale or anything. 3D's loser friend Johnny Devine offers them some celebratory junk food but this lets the faces try to roll them up. That's how the match starts!

Curry Man gets Devon caught on the corner and attacks wth an ass bump, then dropkicks Ray out. Team 3D try to bail out to the back, passing by trays full of seafood on ice, until the faces brawl them back. Each of them grabs a fish and whacks a Brother with it. "Holy Mackerel" says Tenay, making the obvious references, while Don West plugs Big Mouth Billy Bass like he always wanted to do. Curry Man tosses a striper into Ray's cock. While at ringside Devon and Shark Boy are having a punch-up, Curry Man has a fishing rod. He puts one of the sweets from Devine's bag on the fishing rod and USES IT TO BAIT RAY. AND IT WORKS. This is wrestling. Curry Man does a PESCADOOOO (appropriately) to the outside, appropriately.

Back at the fish market, Ray briefly takes control with an eye rake, but Curry Man catches him with a fishing net and smacks him with ANOTHER fish. He charges, but Ray back body drops him into one of the fish trays! Ray starts to pelt Curry Man with small fry, then starts to throw them into the crowd! WHO THROW THEM BACK! He then tosses fish at the commentators and spits some water. Devon's now setting up a table, but Shark Boy saves his teammate... until Johnny Devine comes in with a kendo stick. Devine catches Shark Boy in a decorative crab net, and I'm shocked that no one's used a crustacean claw to pinch his opponent in the cock yet.

Speaking of seafood to the cock, back in the ring they're about to do a Wazzup on Curry Man... with a fish. And RAY MAKES OUT WITH THE FISH before doing it. What the fuck is happening. Curry Man's in the Tree of Woe and it's an oar to the cock... fishing rod to the cock... and Ray tosses a big fish at a random member of staff. Crowd wants tables, but instead Team 3D go for their headbutt and senton. Which always misses, come on. Are you even trying? Shark Boy recovers with a clothesline off the top and brings the beatdown. He does the Austin-esque Thesz press and beatdown on Ray. Devon recovers, then botches a bit and falls on his ass before he does a front suplex on Curry Man for two.

Wazzup setup (which clearly isn't going to happen because Ray is too far away from the corner) but Shark Boy fishes Devon in the head to send him down. Then the faces do the fish drop to the cock. "TAZ MY BWAULS" Ray doesn't shout because Taz isn't there yet. Shark Boy does a neckbreaker, which Don calls as a stunner, for a two-count. Team 3D get whipped into each other and double X-Factors get two. Then stereo tornado DDTs for the same result. Ray tosses Curry Man off the corner to the floor and Team 3D hit a Doomsday Device for two. Devine chucks a bin in, Curry Man counters Ray's attempts to use it. Then Devine has powder but he tosses it in Ray's face by mistake! Devine eats a Chummer and gets tossed through a table. Devon comes in and they go for the 3D... Ray's blinded, and he doesn't see Curry Man doing the move, and 3Ds Devon by mistake! That's a GREAT finish for this sorta match.

Green match, of course. What can I say? I enjoy the abuse of a seafood platter. All the silly fun spots actually happened which puts it above half the weird stip matches in history.

 

[Sky]

Entry #968
AJ Styles vs. Rhino
Elevation X Match
TNA Destination X - March 11, 2007​

Not gonna lie, things have been rough recently. Not just physically, but mentally. I've barely been pushing through to do all the cool shit you see (TNA and the predictions game). Which means I've fallen off pretty hard on the bad matches. But hopefully no more, as I take on one of the most irresponsible match types in history. Elevation X: it's like a scaffold match, but with even less safe footing! They ran two matches of this, both replacing the Ultimate X for some reason at the Destination X show. And like all scaffold matches, they were a chore to watch. Although Cagematch doesn't agree with this assessment as it gave this first edition an amazingly fine 6.74/10. Whatever. Let's watch this one!

Rhino looks so young. And legit afraid, which of course you would be if you were potentially going to fall off something that was suspended from the ceiling, not fixed to the ground. We kick off... on the floor! We're going TO THE OUTSIDE right from the beginning, with furniture bashes aplenty. Rhino's dominating until AJ counters and hits his never-not-awesome forearm from the guardrail. But then Rhino lariats the breath right out of AJ. AJ finally climbs, which Rhino tries to grab him, but he doesn't want to follow. Nothing worse than a scaffold match when the babyface is being the coward. When Rhino finally quits stalling and climbs he slips on the scaffold and almost falls down unplanned. The fans can't watch.

When Rhino finally gets up AJ jiggles the scaffold about to try to dislodge Rhino. Again, exposing that the thing isn't properly fixed down. AJ spits in Rhino's face which gets him to stand. Rhino manages to work a couple of punches and AJ teeters, but AJ dodges and matadors him. He falls body first onto one of the other arms of the X, so AJ stomps on him and does a baseball slide. A 20-foot baseball slide. AJ lowers down to pry Rhino down but Rhino throws some punches and now AJ's in danger. He's dangling from the bottom of the trusses now, and Rhinos in control. AJ gets a surprise kick in and tucks himself INSIDE THE SCAFFOLD! Rhino has no idea what's going on, he doesn't know whether he's won. He does stand around and wonder where AJ is but he gets the picture with the fans' red light/green light. Scaffold match meets blindfold match!

Anyway, Rhino goozles AJ but AJ rakes the eyes and now they're on top of the scaffold again. AJ pounds the back of Rhino's head and Rhino is in danger, until he trips AJ. Both are sitting on opposite arms of the X and having a strike battle! AJ rams Rhino's face into the scaffold, then teases a Styles Clash(!!!!). Of course it doesn't happen as Rhino double legs and pounds. Both on their feet until AJ gets a jawbreaker. He pulls out some powder but Rhino flips it into AJ's face instead. This sets up the GORE GORE GORE, AJ's dangling and Rhino stomps him off for the win. At least he took a back bump and didn't break anything.

Whisper it... I actually kind of dug this. Really uncomfortable to start, I'd remembered this being a lot more boring, but it actually had some fun spots, mostly thanks to AJ doing the heel shenanigans. Guess what, it's a green match.

 

[Barry Poppins]

AJ Styles actually talked about this match in an interview, and he basically worked the entire match around Rhino, and they changed the ending specifically because AJ was like, "We're not killing Rhino, guys."

 

[Chris]

AJ Styles actually talked about this match in an interview, and he basically worked the entire match around Rhino, and they changed the ending specifically because AJ was like, "We're not killing Rhino, guys."

Lmao I remember this

 

[Sky]

Entry #969
Rhino vs. James Storm
Elevation X Match
TNA Destination X - March 9, 2008​

The cool parts of that match were the things that AJ did, so naturally they did this with James Storm instead. This was coming off that World Beer Drinking Title feud that Storm had with Eric Young, when Rhino said "fuck your silly belt, I now want to throw you off a high place". I doubt this ends well. A DUD says Dave, so maybe those two stars he gave the first one were both for AJ. Let's get into it.

We don't kick off with a brawl on the outside, as Storm climbs during his entrance. With the help of a cord Jacqueline passes him a six-pack. Rhino ciimbs up but suddenly Storm wants to climb down and stall for time. Surely if he's on the floor he loses. Rhino tosses the cans of beer at the coward. So Rhino's got to follow down, and it looks like we're getting that brawl after all. Storm's trying to head up the aisle but Rhino catches him and let the furniture-bashing begin. Rhino pulls out a couple of tables, so looks like that's the finish. We're inside the ring. Storm's feet touched the ring first. This match should be over. I wish it were over.

Rhino stops himself before going through a propped-up table. Then Storm sets up the other and hits Rhino with a bin. He goes up top but Rhino recovers, tries a superplex, Storm counters. Did they forget this isn't a tables match? Rhino hits a belly-to-belly and sets up the Gore through the table... Jacqueline distracts Rhino with a slap and climbs the scaffold. In heels, god damn. Rhino climbs to follow her, and Storm climbs to follow Rhino. Jacqueline maages to scramble down, and now Storm is crawling toward Rhino. Or away. Like a confused cat. Rhino challenges Storm to a sit-down brawl on opposite arms of the X, but jumps him early and gets a punch in.

Both men on their feet, and they're teetering. Rhino does the exact same 90-degree fall he did the previous match. Rhino punches away at Storm and the cowboy's dangling. He recovers and gets an eye rake on Rhino. Then he goes and hides inside the scaffold, like AJ did. Don West calls out the repeated spot. Rhino plays red light, green light again, but fails to grab Storm. Storm drops his beer can. Rhino uses the alternative method of tearing the board of the scaffold to get at Storm. He eats a beer spit for his trouble. Storm tries to climb out but Rhino punches him and he's crotched on the trusses. Storm's dangling through, trying to stay on, Rhino stomps at him. And he goes through the table. Of course.

Yeah that was a pathetic imitation of the first match. Maybe AJ was just the MVP of scaffold matches.

 

[Sky]

Entry #970
The Bearded Men of Space Station 11 vs. The Submission Squad
CHIKARA King of Trios - March 28, 2009​

I've got an IWTV subscription. I don't know why, I haven't used it nearly enough to justify it. I'd much rather be putting that into Wrestle Universe to enjoy some DDT and TJPW and all that. Maybe it's in the hope that it'll have more material for this thread. It's got the full backlogs of both CHIKARA and IWA Mid-South, if I ever want to enjoy some scumbag promotions. In an attempt to justify the money I'm putting in I looked up "worst CHIKARA match" and found that the consensus was this. An undercard match showcasing some talent from an indie no one's ever heard of called the Lethal Wrestling Alliance. It's Davey Vega and Gary the Barn Owl vs. Pierre Abernathy and Evan Gelistico. No, me neither. Let's go.

Neither team gets any reaction, despite Vega and Gary coming out to Rush. Gary seems to speak only in hoots. "We don't give a hoot" chants. Squad attack from behind to start. They do some relatively slow-mo double whip spots, which puts the Squad in a position where one accidentally DDTs the other. Gary rolls into a chest slap. Faces tease a double PESCADOOOO but just go on to the apron, do nothing with it, and get tripped. Time for the heat segment by Abernathy, featuring ROPE CHOKING! And licking his hand before a face rake! Evan comes in and does a very weird backward roll into a body splash. "Variation of a Northern Lights suplex" -the variation being it isn't very good. UltraMantis Black calls out the Submission Squad for not doing any submissions.

Gary's in a Tree of Woe and Evan's coming in for a strike of some sort, but Gary counters into a slow, lame stunner which Evan sells too late. Evan soon recovers and does his first submission move: a chinlock! They do some basic cut-off tag team work. Fans start chanting "bababooey" which is how you know it's 2009. Abernathy tries a sleeper but Gary drops out and does a cold tag to Vega. He clears out both heels and the faces go for double slingshot sentons, which gets at most a golf clap. Back in the ring Evan helps his partner escape a wristlock and hits a cutter but Vega's foot is on the rope. Gary does a spinning flatliner for two. Abernathy's suplex drops Gary on his head. Vega lariats Abernathy but Evan catches a second attempt and hits a pumphandle driver for the finish. "Don't come back" is the prevailing chant.

An unbelievably indie match. Guys doing things they only half know how to do, in slow motion, making it look both completely choreographed and cack-handedly unplanned. The crowd rightly could not give less of a shit. Pierre Abernathy, by the way, now owns the LWA and renamed it St. Louis Anarchy. Which is a bit better. Also his real name is Matt Jackson. He's more of a Jackson than the Bucks!

 

[Sky]

Entry #971
911 (c) vs. Salvatore Sincere
for the AAWA Championship
AAWA - November 30, 2001​

Hey, want to see something really bad? I do. That's why I'm making this thread. Anyway, this is an oddball in terms of IWTV, a holdover from the Smart Mark Video library. The most important thing about this show is that it was a couple of months after 9/11. Trust me, you'll see why it's important by the main event. There's some kind of decent stuff on here, with Nova vs. Chris Hamrick looking nailed on for match of the night, but come on, you're here for the crap. And in terms of crap, Salvatore Sincere and limited and long-past-it 911 seem likely to deliver.

Sincere's manager cuts a lengthy promo which is completely incomprehensible because there's so much echo this might as well have been shot in a cave. As 911 enters there's a lot of pre-match time-wasting as the ref removes each of Sincere's foreign objects individually. After the bell rings Sincere just wanders about trying to shut up the crowd. He then uses the ref as a human shield. He's trying to get pops from the crowd, and as 911 does the same Sincere attacks from behind. That's fifteen-plus minutes of nothingness brought into a paragraph.

Sincere chokes with a chain and bites 911's face. 911 reverses an Irish whip, sees a clothesline ducked, teases a chokeslam, but Sincere's other manager comes out to kick 911 in the back. 911 beats on manager number 1 with his own cane, then manager 2 passes a foreign object. Chi Chi Cruz comes in to stop 911's attack but gets beaten up a bit more. Chokeslam time but manager 1 grabs Sincere's legs. 911 has Chi Chi and manager 1 goozled, but manager 2 delivers the Slap O'Doom. All 4 of Sincere's retinue attack 911 in full view of the ref. A legit policeman comes in and cleans up the managers with a shit clothesline and a shitter slam. Eventually, chokeslam to Sincere gets the pin... but a nonexistent distraction stops the pin. Twice. Sal fights back but eats another chokeslam for the three.

What a bewildering match. Why was there no DQ called at any point? Why did 911 have to score a pin three times? Who knows at this stage. Trash.

 

[Sky]

Entry #972
The Patriot vs. The Wall
AAWA - November 30, 2001​

The semi-main of this show is an oddball that only the post-WCW but pre-TNA indies could dream up. The Wall BROTHER, in an uncomfortable middle ground between his WCW look and his Malice look, faces Tom Brandi, pulling double duty as a fake Patriot. Oh joy.

Patriot hands hats out to the fans. He calls in a bunch of kids to swarm the ring and fight for the last hat. How very American of him. He then asks the ref to help him find the most blindly jingoistic child, and gives her some ring time and the hat. Wall locks up and charges Patriot into the corner. BOOT CHOKING! Patriot reverses and does some MURICAN chops. It's fairly even, especially after Wall does an eye poke. Crossbody by Patriot gets two. Wall downs Patriot with a big boot and gets heat. Including more kinds of illegal choke! He goes for a mask rip briefly but decides against it. Commentary calls a rear chinlock as a rope choke. Yes, this godforsaken show had commentary. Patriot fights out but eats a back elbow. Wall misses a corner charge and gets rolled up for a surprise three. Even though his shoulder wasn't down.

Very basic, at least it was short.

 

[Sky]

Entry #973
King Kong Bundy vs. Nikolai Volkoff
AAWA - November 30, 2001​

And here's why I wanted to cover this show in particular. This Heroes of Wrestling ass lineup, of two old farts who were past it ten years before. But this match has an added wrinkle, and it's not the alleged presence of Bruno Sammartino as special enforcer (whom we don't see at all). it's a terrorist attack! Let's see it.

To add to the Heroes of Wrestling comparison, Nikita Breznikov is back! A senile Volkoff is slapping hands despite playing heel. The big egg Bundy tries to start a USA chant among the kids, then grabs a FUCKING MIC and... accuses Volkoff of being an associate of Bin Laden. If nothing else, this is symbolic of the post-9/11 "patriotic" madness, where anyone that was foreign was evil. It doesn't matter that Volkoff's country (1) is not even in the Middle East, and (2) hasn't existed for a decade at this point. He's not from here, therefore TERRORISTS!

Bundy refuses to start because he hasn't heard the bell. He kicks off with an eye rake, because anything is babyface if you're against a terrorist. Bundy misses a corner charge, Volkoff stumbles about and stomps his foe in the cock. On goes the chinlock, less than a minute in, and the ref calls it as a choke. ROPE CHOKING with the help of Breznikov for two. Bundy keeps starting USA chants. Breznikov holds a Soviet flag up while Volkoff holds Bundy back, but You Know This Spot and Bundy hits the splash for three. Guess he doesn't need five.

Because that sub-2-minute match absolutely needed the invocation of 9/11. It was short enough that they didn't have enough time to embarrass themselves, but that ultimately means this match will be forgotten.

 

[R-Troop]

Entry #970
The Bearded Men of Space Station 11 vs. The Submission Squad
CHIKARA King of Trios - March 28, 2009​

I've got an IWTV subscription. I don't know why, I haven't used it nearly enough to justify it. I'd much rather be putting that into Wrestle Universe to enjoy some DDT and TJPW and all that. Maybe it's in the hope that it'll have more material for this thread. It's got the full backlogs of both CHIKARA and IWA Mid-South, if I ever want to enjoy some scumbag promotions. In an attempt to justify the money I'm putting in I looked up "worst CHIKARA match" and found that the consensus was this. An undercard match showcasing some talent from an indie no one's ever heard of called the Lethal Wrestling Alliance. It's Davey Vega and Gary the Barn Owl vs. Pierre Abernathy and Evan Gelistico. No, me neither. Let's go.

Neither team gets any reaction, despite Vega and Gary coming out to Rush. Gary seems to speak only in hoots. "We don't give a hoot" chants. Squad attack from behind to start. They do some relatively slow-mo double whip spots, which puts the Squad in a position where one accidentally DDTs the other. Gary rolls into a chest slap. Faces tease a double PESCADOOOO but just go on to the apron, do nothing with it, and get tripped. Time for the heat segment by Abernathy, featuring ROPE CHOKING! And licking his hand before a face rake! Evan comes in and does a very weird backward roll into a body splash. "Variation of a Northern Lights suplex" -the variation being it isn't very good. UltraMantis Black calls out the Submission Squad for not doing any submissions.

Gary's in a Tree of Woe and Evan's coming in for a strike of some sort, but Gary counters into a slow, lame stunner which Evan sells too late. Evan soon recovers and does his first submission move: a chinlock! They do some basic cut-off tag team work. Fans start chanting "bababooey" which is how you know it's 2009. Abernathy tries a sleeper but Gary drops out and does a cold tag to Vega. He clears out both heels and the faces go for double slingshot sentons, which gets at most a golf clap. Back in the ring Evan helps his partner escape a wristlock and hits a cutter but Vega's foot is on the rope. Gary does a spinning flatliner for two. Abernathy's suplex drops Gary on his head. Vega lariats Abernathy but Evan catches a second attempt and hits a pumphandle driver for the finish. "Don't come back" is the prevailing chant.

An unbelievably indie match. Guys doing things they only half know how to do, in slow motion, making it look both completely choreographed and cack-handedly unplanned. The crowd rightly could not give less of a shit. Pierre Abernathy, by the way, now owns the LWA and renamed it St. Louis Anarchy. Which is a bit better. Also his real name is Matt Jackson. He's more of a Jackson than the Bucks!

It's got the full backlogs of both CHIKARA and IWA Mid-South, if I ever want to enjoy some scumbag promotions.

CHIKARA a scumbag promotion? I remember them being really off the walls bonkers with weird ass characters.

 

[Barry Poppins]

The owner of Chikara, Mike Quackenbush, is a sexual predator.

 

[R-Troop]

The owner of Chikara, Mike Quackenbush, is a sexual predator.

ok so then yeah fuck that guy.