Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #963
Vampiro vs. ???
Casket Match
AAA TripleMania XXXII Mexico City - August 17, 2024​

Speaking of random AAA nonsense, we've got the big Vampiro retirement match. Your favourite Canadian dementia patient wrestled a lot in 2024, in bouts billed as "last match in this city". Watching him do what he thought was wrestling, I'm praying the retirement sticks and he doesn't come back, ever. The other unique thing about this match is that there's no opponent. Legit, no opponent was ever announced, even during the event itself. So instead we get Vampiro vs. something. Wonder what that something is?

We kick off with a hearse driving its way to the ring (a hired hearse, with ad copy on the roof), and they forklift a casket to a spot on the stage. Hopefully that means Vampiro came out of a trap door, because the casket fairly rattled about a bit. He gets his grand entrance, but he's jumped by Jeff Jarrett and Sam Adonis. Adonis chokes him with an American flag and the heels beat him up while he allegedly sells. Eventually he decides to stop slling until Jarrett uses a guitar. Which doesn't break. Into the crowd we go for walk-and-brawl. Just like his WCW run!

After a bit of beating from Team USA, we reach a flower-covered portrait of Chessman, and then the genuine article (looking more spherical than he used to) shows up and joins the forearm shot squad. Then Pagano and Mecha Wolf show up and neutralise the heel trio, while Vampiro wanders off confused and receives pats from the fans. Another portrait is revealed (wait, was that Jerry Other??) to contain Pirata Morgan, because they had a good match three decades ago back when both could move. He slugs and bites Vampiro, and Vampiro taps, but the match isn't over. Up shows Octagon Jr. to try and make something of this stiff. Hey, if he could work with AJ Francis, he could work with anyone!

Portrait number three is revealed as Cien Caras, who shows up with the members of NGD who aren't imprisoned for attempted domestic murder (yet). Cien doesn't move from his spot, with his sons bringing him to the place where he was sitting so he can land a punch. In comes Konnan (to Eye of the Tiger, really?) to argue with Cien. In the background is Bestia 666 and Hijo del Vikingo (at least I think it's them) clearing out the NGDs, because who cares about the current generation, old guys reign supreme. Meanwhle Vampiro's trudging again, and portrait number 4 contains El Mesias! Wrestling Society X reference! They actually refer to it on commentary.

We're finally back at ringside where Mesias bashes Vampiro into furniture. Up the ramp they go, walking and just barely brawling. Mesias slams Vampiro on stage, and Team USA come back to do some more stuff. They want to put Vampiro into a casket, but it's already occupied. By fuckin' La Parka. I thought this was distasteful then and I do now. He died for real. Why have a guy in his mask in a casket? Anyway Mecha Wolf and Pagano come back and it becomes a bunch of lads brawling once again. Vampiro is really not selling. He kicks Mesias in the nuts and brawls him into the casket. Which then bursts into flame. Take notes, STARDOM. This is how you blow up a casket.

Hey, at least it's better than Vampiro having an actual match. He managed to do 0 wrestling moves, wander his way through a crowd of brawling nostalgia pops, win a match, and not emote in any way. My main dilemma here is not whether it sucked - it did - but whom to credit for it. If you ask Cagematch, Mesias should be considered the sole opponent, for it was he who was put in a casket to finish the match. But that's not giving everyone else involved enough credit. They did just as much nothing as Mesias did, more nothing than anyone else except Vampiro. So I guess I'm going to have to say Vampiro beat El Mesias, in a match containing an ass ton of other people. However, I think the best representation of this match is how I headlined it. Vampiro vs. ???. Just that. Just ???.

 

[Sky]

Entry #964
Nic Nemeth (c) vs. Alberto El Patron
for the AAA Mega Championship
AAA TripleMania XXXII Mexico City - August 17, 2024​

Finally. I never want to see another AAA match again. It's such a depressing promotion. I could be watching the Fish Market Street Fight instead of this. Here's the return match from Monterrey. I'm sparing you the pre-match promo in which Alberto acts the patriot by yelling to camera and showing off his roid veins.

JBL comes out with Nemeth. There's a playing of the national anthems, and the US anthem is pre-recorded so they can't butcher it like the live band butchers the Mexican one. Hijo del Tirantes is ref, hoo boy. Playing to the crowd, a lock-up, then more playing to the crowd. They thankfully pull off an actual move early on, Alberto doing a couple of spinning backbreakers. But then they go right TO THE OUTSIDE. Alberto does one turnbuckle bash and then gets out a bit of board. Nemeth tries to dropkick Alberto as he comes in, slips on the board, and falls on his ass. Alberto goes off the top but Nemeth manages to hit the dropkick this time for two.

Nemeth with his series of elbows for another two. He sets up the board in the corner. Alberto avoids being sent into it but gets rolled up for two. Gorilla press by Alberto but Nemeth slips out, followed by countering a powerbomb into a sunset flip. Famouser for two. Nemeth goes up top again but Alberto trips him. He struggles following him to the top rope for a suplex, and it gets two. Nemeth's on the apron and Alberto hits an enzuigiri, doesn't know how to run the ropes properly for a dive... Nemeth tosses some board at him. He then shoves Alberto into the board to break it. Back in the ring Nemeth hits a flying elbow for two.

Alberto tries something, Nemeth counters, but fails to hit the Danger Zone. A bunch of counters that just look like botches, then Nemeth hits a jumping DDT for two. Nemeth misses a corner charge and eats some turnbuckle bashes. Now Alberto climbs, but he takes too long and Nemeth just gets up to trip him. In comes a table, and Nemeth takes forever to set it up. Superplex teased but Alberto gets Nemeth up in a fireman's carry... but he does nothing with it and just shoves Nemeth through the table. Camera misses the resulting frog splash (which gets two) for a replay. Alberto is angry with the ref for not counting three and they lightly shove each other.

Out goes Alberto for a non-folding chair. Hijo del Tirantes decides this weapon, unlike any other weapon used tonight, is not okay. The kerfuffle lets Nemeth hit Danger Zone for a fast-count two. Superkick teased but Alberto throws the ref in front of Nemeth. A REF BUMP OF COURSE! One that doesn't make any sense given the twist coming up! We don't see what move lets Alberto get a visual pin. HdT is back up, Alberto talks with him but takes a superkick for another fast-count two. Nemeth clotheslines and dropkicks Alberto back outside. Alberto grabs a drink from a fan, tosses it at Nemeth (it's like poetry, it rhymes), hits a low blow, and wins with the three.

I'll spare you the twist other than this blow-by-blow. Latin Lover shows up with the belt and says "nah, we're not having screwy finishes any longer" (wait, where were you in the women's match?). Alberto immediately turns heel and beats the shit out of Latin. He reveals a nebulous eye tease on the previous shows was him all along. Konnan and Dorian Roldan both show up, fake a save, and continue the beating. JBL is on their side too. Not a single good guy shows up to try to make the save, because AAA is not only depressingly bad, it's depressingly bleak.

AND I AM DONE. This offered very little that Alberto and Nemeth's previous match didn't. Alberto is washed and Nemeth is just playing an imitation of his Dolph Ziggler moves. The shenanigans didn't make terribly much sense. And it's the same old "Dorian and Konnan as evil owners who never get their comeuppance" shit. Please let this promotion die before TripleMania 33.

 

[Sky]

Entry #966
Bob Sapp vs. Necro Butcher
IGF Genome12 - May 9, 2010​

I saw this match had happened while doing TEW research, and revelled in its incredible cursedness for a while before immediately going to this thread. I knew immediately this had to go here. Because this is the weird shit you love. Not only was Necro Butcher, one of the icons of mindlessly slicing himself open, in Inoki-ism, but he was against Bob Motherfucking Sapp. Past his prime Bob Sapp, but still. I literally cannot think of two more diametrically opposite wrestlers. They share nothing in common. Who had the idea for this to happen? I mean, I know it was Antonio Inoki, but still.

(You may have noticed that I've skipped a number, by the way. That's because I've put in Josh Barnett vs. Montanha Silva from the old thread - and from a couple of IGF shows after this - as a green match. Because it should not work, qualifying it for the compendium of Bad Wrestling, and yet it does. Anyway, back to the freakshow!)

They show off a clip of Necro having a stiff bloodfest with Minowa on the previous show, which I should probably watch too, if not for this thread. They call him "Hardcore Homeless" as he enters, which I can see. He looks like he lives out a car that isn't even his. Sapp is full Ric Flairing it up again. Necro attacks Sapp from behind and goes for turnbuckle bashes, but Sapp no-sells it and does some of his own. A corner splash sends Necro TO THE OUTSIDE and he grabs the bell. Sapp really choreographed-ly sends him back in and does a dropkick. Washed Sapp doing a dropkick, you love to see it. A BEARHUG (because it's the 1970s) is broken by a Necro eye rake and then by a bite.

Necro knees Sapp out then comes off the apron with a clumsy cannonball. He tries to slam Sapp but obviously fails. Sapp picks him up for a couple of super slo-mo turnbuckle bashes. Necro blades for this. Sapp does some genuinely pathetic ground-and-pound with no-contact strikes. It's Morasca-esque. Sapp's got a bit of Necro's blood on him. Necro counters a corner splash and hits a lariat for a double down. Sapp kicks out fo a pin at one. Necro responds with ROPE CHOKING!! He drapes Sapp off the apron and elbows him in the throat. He then pulls a shopping bag out of his jean shorts, because of course he does, and tries to suffocate the big lad. No DQ called because wrestling is silly.

Necro goes for a jackknife pin for two, then starts eye-raking, trying to open up a wound on Sapp's face. Russian legsweep for two. Necro then hits a stunner which commentary calls as a cutter. Or maybe Sapp just didn't sell it right. Necro goes up top but Sapp tosses him down, finishing with a jumping powerslam for the three (and Necro kicks at 3.1, which is just about as much respect as the big galoot deserved by this point).

Maybe there's a reason Sapp only went one minute in that show I reviewed before lol. Both immobile and clumsy, two things you never want a wrestler to be. How is Mr. Stupid Bleeding the ring general in this match?

 

[Sky]

Entry #967
Team 3D vs. Shark Boy/Curry Man
Fish Market Street Fight
TNA Destination X - March 9, 2008​

Finally, I get to review this. One of TNA's favourite "weird" moments to revisit. That time four men decided to slap each other about with fish. This could be any number of things. It could be a regular sucky match, it could (and probably will) be a green match. It could even be a red match if one of them gets food poisoning and shits their entire inside out and dies in the ring. (Note: that will not happen.) It's the FISH MARKET STREET FIGHT baby! Let's do this!

This starts off, weirdly enough, with a weigh-in. Apparently Jim Cornette is concerned that Team 3D is too fat, and they keep getting weighed in. If they don't lose weight, they get fired. I have little memory of this angle, but I know it was silly. Brother Ray underestimates the number of people who want to see him fired. Anticlimactically, there's no trick, they just make weight and they don't even smash the scale or anything. 3D's loser friend Johnny Devine offers them some celebratory junk food but this lets the faces try to roll them up. That's how the match starts!

Curry Man gets Devon caught on the corner and attacks wth an ass bump, then dropkicks Ray out. Team 3D try to bail out to the back, passing by trays full of seafood on ice, until the faces brawl them back. Each of them grabs a fish and whacks a Brother with it. "Holy Mackerel" says Tenay, making the obvious references, while Don West plugs Big Mouth Billy Bass like he always wanted to do. Curry Man tosses a striper into Ray's cock. While at ringside Devon and Shark Boy are having a punch-up, Curry Man has a fishing rod. He puts one of the sweets from Devine's bag on the fishing rod and USES IT TO BAIT RAY. AND IT WORKS. This is wrestling. Curry Man does a PESCADOOOO (appropriately) to the outside, appropriately.

Back at the fish market, Ray briefly takes control with an eye rake, but Curry Man catches him with a fishing net and smacks him with ANOTHER fish. He charges, but Ray back body drops him into one of the fish trays! Ray starts to pelt Curry Man with small fry, then starts to throw them into the crowd! WHO THROW THEM BACK! He then tosses fish at the commentators and spits some water. Devon's now setting up a table, but Shark Boy saves his teammate... until Johnny Devine comes in with a kendo stick. Devine catches Shark Boy in a decorative crab net, and I'm shocked that no one's used a crustacean claw to pinch his opponent in the cock yet.

Speaking of seafood to the cock, back in the ring they're about to do a Wazzup on Curry Man... with a fish. And RAY MAKES OUT WITH THE FISH before doing it. What the fuck is happening. Curry Man's in the Tree of Woe and it's an oar to the cock... fishing rod to the cock... and Ray tosses a big fish at a random member of staff. Crowd wants tables, but instead Team 3D go for their headbutt and senton. Which always misses, come on. Are you even trying? Shark Boy recovers with a clothesline off the top and brings the beatdown. He does the Austin-esque Thesz press and beatdown on Ray. Devon recovers, then botches a bit and falls on his ass before he does a front suplex on Curry Man for two.

Wazzup setup (which clearly isn't going to happen because Ray is too far away from the corner) but Shark Boy fishes Devon in the head to send him down. Then the faces do the fish drop to the cock. "TAZ MY BWAULS" Ray doesn't shout because Taz isn't there yet. Shark Boy does a neckbreaker, which Don calls as a stunner, for a two-count. Team 3D get whipped into each other and double X-Factors get two. Then stereo tornado DDTs for the same result. Ray tosses Curry Man off the corner to the floor and Team 3D hit a Doomsday Device for two. Devine chucks a bin in, Curry Man counters Ray's attempts to use it. Then Devine has powder but he tosses it in Ray's face by mistake! Devine eats a Chummer and gets tossed through a table. Devon comes in and they go for the 3D... Ray's blinded, and he doesn't see Curry Man doing the move, and 3Ds Devon by mistake! That's a GREAT finish for this sorta match.

Green match, of course. What can I say? I enjoy the abuse of a seafood platter. All the silly fun spots actually happened which puts it above half the weird stip matches in history.