Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #952
Steve Stratton vs. Man Mountain Mike
Loser Leaves OMW Match
Ozark Mountain Wrestling - March 20, 1995​

After an illness lay-off, I'm finally ready to take down TripleMania XXXII. Unfortunately, my internet connection isn't as it's hell to download it. So for now, here's a few things from my extensive backlog. First up, in a video labelled "one of the worst matches I've ever seen", here's Man Mountain Mike. Not the famous Man Mountain Mike; he was already dead. This is just a sphere who can't work. Let's see what's up with it.

We apparently join in progress as Stratton's whining about a hair pull or something. He goes for shoulderblocks and bounces off Mike before sliding out for a rest. Back in the ring Stratton throws some rights and Mike legit struggles to stay on his feet. He then struggles to go to the mat when it comes to that. Stratton has to shove him to remind him to go to the mat and that only gets a one-count. After Stratton doing some basic strikes he tries a can't-lift-him spot, which looks stupid because Mike despite being wide is a full head shorter than him. He soon guides himself into being slammed by Mike.

Stratton ducks an extremely lazily-thrown clothesline and backpacks Mike. Mike gradually backs Stratton into the corner which commentary sells like he's been put into a hydraulic press. Stratton does an oversell for a pretty dreadful looking corner splash. Mike goes up top... wait no, he only goes to the bottom rope. And TRIPS on the bottom rope falling on his face! That's the finish, though.

They really would push any old big fucker on the 90's shindie scene, wouldn't they? Mike wasn't even tall enough to be an impressive big man and he could do nothing in-ring. Stratton did his best bumping for this loser.

 

[Sky]

Entry #953
Chaz Taylor vs. Steven Dane
Bungee Cord Match
GWF Super Bouts - August 14, 1992​

We cross the extremely short border from Arkansas to Texas for another of those "TOTALLY WACKY MATCH TYPES" that every hack list maker has heard of but none has seen the time it was used. The Bungee Cord Match! Two wrestlers, 175 feet in the air (kayfabe), scrapping in a tiny little cage. There's also the detail that the heel's girlfriend (also a heel) is in a shark cage so can't interfere. What a relief - we wouldn't want her chartering a helicopter at short notice to fly up 175 feet and pass Dane a foreign object or something.

Pre-match Chaz is Going To Win The Upcoming Match because he has his fans behind him. Maniac Mike Davis (a gimmick that was like George Steele but somehow more offputting and unfunny) shows up with a moon rock. Apparently he got to test the bungee cord machine and used it to go to space? No idea. Manny Fernandez shows up to play heel colour guy and upgrades the wrestlers' height to 190 feet. Dane is too scared to go in. He doesn't want to. This match is being officiated by special referee Kevin, who doesn't have a last name. Dane tries to escape so Chaz tries to drag him in by the cord, then a bunch of goons show up and pile Dane in. They scrap a bit in there as the cage rises...

One ad break later, they're up however many feet it is in the air, and I guess this is a match. And I don't know what I expected. You can't see shit. Just one of the guys with his legs dangling out. For far too long. Fans are really quiet. Commentary doesn't know what to say. Dane is at the doorway, stomping on Chaz again and again. Dane's celebrating his future victory, but lets go of the door frame which lets Chaz grab him by the penis and drag him out of the cage. So... I guess that's a finish. One break later, Dane is on the ground and yanks his cord to drag Chaz down. Chaz goes to hug his mother and there's a bit of promo squabble about the referee. Who the fuck cares?

That was complete nonsense, not even at a stretch describable as wrestling. Baffling.

 

[Chris]

I can't even comprehend what that was after reading, that's never happened before

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #952
Steve Stratton vs. Man Mountain Mike
Loser Leaves OMW Match
Ozark Mountain Wrestling - March 20, 1995​

After an illness lay-off, I'm finally ready to take down TripleMania XXXII. Unfortunately, my internet connection isn't as it's hell to download it. So for now, here's a few things from my extensive backlog. First up, in a video labelled "one of the worst matches I've ever seen", here's Man Mountain Mike. Not the famous Man Mountain Mike; he was already dead. This is just a sphere who can't work. Let's see what's up with it.

We apparently join in progress as Stratton's whining about a hair pull or something. He goes for shoulderblocks and bounces off Mike before sliding out for a rest. Back in the ring Stratton throws some rights and Mike legit struggles to stay on his feet. He then struggles to go to the mat when it comes to that. Stratton has to shove him to remind him to go to the mat and that only gets a one-count. After Stratton doing some basic strikes he tries a can't-lift-him spot, which looks stupid because Mike despite being wide is a full head shorter than him. He soon guides himself into being slammed by Mike.

Stratton ducks an extremely lazily-thrown clothesline and backpacks Mike. Mike gradually backs Stratton into the corner which commentary sells like he's been put into a hydraulic press. Stratton does an oversell for a pretty dreadful looking corner splash. Mike goes up top... wait no, he only goes to the bottom rope. And TRIPS on the bottom rope falling on his face! That's the finish, though.

They really would push any old big fucker on the 90's shindie scene, wouldn't they? Mike wasn't even tall enough to be an impressive big man and he could do nothing in-ring. Stratton did his best bumping for this loser.

In my head canon this Stratton guy is Tiffanys father or Uncle or something.

 

[Sky]

Entry #954
Alberto El Patron vs. Nic Nemeth
for the vacant AAA Mega Championship
AAA TripleMania XXXII Monterrey - April 27, 2024​

Okay, here we go, I guess. I didn't need to torrent this after all because AAA figured no one would want to pay for this and put it on their YouTube for free. So we watch the Monterrey portion of this year's huge mistake of a three-part show. And we kick off, weirdly, with a world title match! Yes, after an undercard that's just barely on the right side of mediocrity, Hijo del Vikingo vacates the title he's too injured to defend, to set up a match that's straight out of 2013 WWE, right down to Alberto being an unconvincing babyface. Let's see it.

Alberto comes out in khaki and takes it off to reveal he's wrestling in a shirt. The universal sign of an out-of-shape has-been. Start is very basic and rather stally. Alberto does a few mounted punches and Nemeth slips out of an armbar attempt. Alberto starts beating Nemeth about the corners. Nemeth tries a superkick but Alberto hides behind the ref. Now it's Nemeth's turn to do some beating in the corner, but Alberto grabs the arm and bars it off the ropes in a pretty decent spot. He goes up top but eats a Nemeth dropkick. Nemeth does a... facebuster thing? that's badly timed, Alberto forgets to fall. Elbow drop spam barely even gets two, Alberto kicks out right on two. He does not want to give anyone anything.

Alberto sent into the ring post and Nemeth climbs over for a seemingly unnecessary face rake. Out comes a table, and Alberto and Nemeth almost toss each other into it. Alberto's DDT gets two. He tries to powerbomb Nemeth through the table but Nemeth fights back. Alberto tosses Nemeth over the top rope and he just eats shit on the floor. Nemeth's complaining about an injured knee so Alberto follows TO THE OUTSIDE and throws a fan's drink at him. After a bit of furniture-bashing Alberto produces another table. The BOTO continues and Alberto undersells a ring post bash. He hits an enzuigiri as Nemeth goes back inside and gets two.

ON GOES THE CHINLOCK and I wonder if it's unfair that I mentally take marks off every match where a wrestler has the same basic moveset as we've seen here. But no, I've had to watch 950 of these things, I can get tired of the same style again and again. Alberto teases a kick but Nemeth hits one of his own for two. Alberto does an armbreaker with his knee but Nemeth turns right into DANGER ZONE~ for two. Alberto tries the cross armbreaker but can't extend it and Nemeth shuffles to the ropes. Then Alberto tries to flapjack Nemeth into the table but Nemeth leapfrogs away which is so cool. La Lanza attempt but Nemeth avoids it. He goes up top... Alberto catches him to powerbomb into the table which doesn't break. It doesn't even break after a seated senton by Alberto, which gets a two-count.

Alberto tries an enzuigiri but Nemeth dodges and hits a jumping DDT for two. In one of those ill-advised aerial shots, Nemeth puts Alberto's own cross armbreaker on him. Alberto's got to lift him out of it for a powerbomb. Nemeth matadors Alberto into the first table (which also doesn't break) and hits a second DANGER ZONE~ for two. Another superkick teased but Alberto hits a spinning backbreaker and clotheslines Nemeth out of the ring. He's going for a dive, Nemeth hits him with a beer bottle, hits a kick to the nuts and a third DANGER ZONE~ for the win and the title. He won't show up again until Mexico City.

This was largely like a 2000 WCW match without the hot crowd. It even had the token hardcore spots in an allegedly straight match. It picked up a bit towards the end but by that point it had lost me.

 

[Chris]

Seems mostly fine for AAA 2024 standards

 

[Sky]

Entry #955
Psycho Clown/Murder Clown/Octagon Jr./Laredo Kid vs. QT Marshall/Sam Adonis/Satnam Singh/Parker Boudreaux
AAA TripleMania XXXII Monterrey - April 27, 2024​

In a time-honoured tradition, next up we have a big old Mexicans vs. Foreigns match. In a less time-honoured tradition, the Mexicans have been booked into irrelevance for the past year and the foreigns are weaker than ever. This is apparently not as bad as its Tijuana equivalent, but it will probably be a poo anyway. Jeff Jarrett comes out to introduce his pals (who haven't heard the actual lyrics of Born in the USA) to face four of Mexico's most underpushed and we have a match. And yes, I know there's two champions in that Mexican team. AAA's the only promotion in the world where you can hold a belt and still be booked like a nobody.

Oh hey, that belt Laredo has (aside from the TNA DM Title which he actually wears) is the Showcenter Championship, which exists only when people are looking at it in Nuevo Leon. Big old brawl to kick off. And naturally, it's the heels that get heat, because fuck face shine to start, this is AAA! Boot choking, rope choking, and every other kind of choking. They set up a 3v1 on Psycho but he fights back and celebrates with Octa and Laredo before going for a triple dive that falls pretty badly short, particularly on Octagon's part.

Back in the ring Satnam and Murder are having a big man stand-off. Everyone attacks Satnam before Psycho uses a bin shot and sends him out. The three regular size luchadores try to tope Satnam but they just bounce off him, which is pretty funny. Then MURDER teases a dive but the heels wipe him out because Can't Give The Fans What They Want. Jarrett uses a bin on Laredo while the Murica Boys get together to make Murder dead for a bit. I'm not sure Boudreaux has done anything. Laredo comes in to take a neckbreaker from Adonis and a slingshot senton from QT. Octagon runs pointlessly into the four heels and gets punted by Satnam.

Adonis takes a swing with an American flag. Back on the outside Jarrett is giving Psycho an extremely soft chair shot. Boudreaux starts doing something... it's stomps. Just stomps. Jarrett gets in the ring and uses the chair and the ref just shrugs. Chokebomb by Satnam on Psycho. The other two help Adonis do a shiranui. More chair shots and Psycho's just dead. Jarrett goes to wave a tortilla(??) at Marisela at ringside but she throws water on him. Suddenly FABY APACHE COMES OUT???? And starts wiping out the heels by herself?? How is Faby the strongest booked face in this match? Jarrett goes to brawl with Psycho and Psycho starts slapping him with whatever that thing is. Everyone gets the slaps! Including the ref!

Time for the faces to do stuff! Laredo hits a frog splash and Psycho does a Code Red. Then they all line up for Murder to do the rope hung Whoopee Cushion spot. Laredo and Octagon all do flips to the outside so Psycho does a moonsault. Adonis has no idea Murder is behind him, and Murder slams Satnam(!!) before giving the 619(!!) to Adonis. That should be it but Jarrett pulls the ref away. Everyone gets together to give Murder some plunder, setting up a teased powerbomb through a wooden board... Jarrett uses the guitar and Satnam chokeslams Murder on the board for the outtanowhere heel win. Mask swipe of all the faces to set up a storyline that I'm pretty sure never happens.

A match that doesn't seem to know what the fans want. Far too long of just the heels dicking about, and then when the fans start to get invested, AAA abruptly pulls the rug because they don't know that not all "working the marks" is good. There is that moment with Satnam, the dives, and Murder being weirdly athletic, but no green match here. Also, Boudreaux was useless and totally lost, Jeff Jarrett did more than him.

 

[Sky]

Entry #956
Vampiro/El Mesias/Pagano vs. La Secta Cibernetica (Cibernetico/Ozz/Cuervo)
AAA TripleMania XXXII Monterrey - April 27, 2024​

And now to the main event of this show, a match that attracted a lot of attention, but not in a positive light. 1.50/10 on Cagematch is the verdict, and it's not hard to see why on that lineup. Just the presence of immobile dementia patient Vampiro being his very old self should be enough of an explanation. 2024 was his big retirement tour year, so we had to endure three matches of his on three TripleManias. Amazingly, 1.50 is not the worst rating he got this year! But that's for later. For now? Suffering!

Pre-match Latin Lover puts over Vampiro. La Secta come out to Seek and Destroy, and Vampiro probably has flashbacks to that awful 2000 feud with Sting. After the bell rings, Mesias grabs a FUCKING MIC and promos on Ciber. Fuck, Mesias looks awful. Ciber promos too, and Vampiro wanders around hunchbacked with no idea where he is. Eventually he snatches the mic and says "Monterrey" a lot before the typical brawl begins. That's three minutes wasted. The most athletic thing in the next minute of chaos is a leg rope choke by Cuervo. The rest is just punchy kicky. Ozz goes away and comes back with a shopping trolley, then joins his fellow Secta to gently step on Vampiro. And it's not just because it's Vampiro; they're similarly light on Pagano.

Secta wipe out Mesias with a chair, then attack Vampiro's legs which he undersells. Big chair shot to Vampiro which is not a good idea given the state of his body. They whip Pagano's teammates into him, and Mesias is at least able to stop himself. So the face comeback begins and Pagano hits a missile dropkick. At one point Vampiro does a headbutt which is an awful idea. Pagano tosses a chair full force at Ciber's face. TO THE OUTSIDE where Vampiro uses a chair and a cable! WCW 2000 lives! As if to prove my point, Mesias and Cuervo have made it into the crowd. Pagano does a headbutt off the apron and Mesias runs Ozz's trolley over him. Then they take the chair on a shopping trip. Mesias stops to say hi to Latin Lover and everyone seems to forget what they were doing until Ozz recovers.

Now Vampiro is legal, oh dear fuck. Cuervo goes for the legs and then does some corner charges until Vampiro manages to counter one. Big boot by Vampiro. Ozz holds Vampiro back for a bit to help Cuervo but You Know This Spot. Spin kick by Vampiro requires Ozz to break the pin. Back to Mesias/Ciber arguing again. They charge each other and play to the crowd. Eventually Ciber gets the advantage but can't make it last. The other Secta guys beat down Mesias but he counters and sends them into each other before sliding Cuervo right out. Dive from big Mesias!

Pagano/Ciber teased but Ciber rolls out. Pagano fights off the other guys and hits a DDT. Ciber tosses a chair but Pagano tanks it and does a rope hung piledriver on the chair. Leg drop follows but Pagano's favouring the wrist and can't pin. Mesias comes in to clown on Cuervo and Ozz, but eating a Ciber spear. Vampiro's in now and they have a slap fight. Out come some tacks... but out come Escoria and Espiritu, to side with Mesias! Yes, it's a Secta civil war again. The match just stops there. I mean, there's a finish, but no idea. Vampiro powerbombs Cuervo, tries for a top rope leg drop, but misses. Cuervo sets up a Figure Four but Vampiro counters into a small package for a really abrupt three.

A mess. Senile Vampiro just wanders around while they do the same old brawly shit around him. Fully deserving of the beating it got.