Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #926
Curt Hennig vs. David Flair
Axe Handle on a Pole Match
NWA-TNA PPV #27 - January 8, 2003​

I referenced this in the Genesis live chat, so I might as well review it now, eh? This would turn out to be Curt Hennig's final match, which is seriously sad. Against David Flair, a man WWE had judged to be worth more than Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Bryan Danielson combined, for it was they who were axed from developmental to fit David into the OVW budget. Let's endure it.

Hennig's caked in sweat already, Jesus fuck. He shoots on beating up Brock Lesnar on a plane because he so clearly wants Vince to take him back. David attacks from behind but eats a few chops. His response is a weird mix of HBK-esque overselling and not selling at all, he flies about like a chopping board in a wind tunnel. TO THE OUTSIDE for the shittiest chop wars ever. After chopping David off the apron Hennig goes for the wood but David hits him in the cock. David does an amazingly light looking rolling neck snap. It's David's turn to climb but he takes an electric chair suplex. A blown up Hennig then tells TNA FUTURE STAR Chris Vaughn to go up and collect the handle for him, then knocks him down with it and hits David for the... win? Post-match David blasts Hennig with a loaded sack and chokes him for a bit.

Wow, Hennig looked blown up all match. A man who had been reduced to chopping and brawling against David Flair, who couldn't even do that. A depressing end to a great wrestler.

 

[Sky]

Entry #927
Jerry Lynn vs. David Flair
NWA-TNA PPV #30 - January 29, 2003​

Fuck it, more David Flair! I always relish an opportunity to dump on him, so let's have a couple more choice cu(n)ts from his brief TNA run. And, because Jerry Lynn knows what he's doing and isn't broken down, this looks set to be one of those "Competent vs. Incompetent" matches like Muta vs. Gigante from a couple of days back. Let's go!

Lynn tries to attack David with that sack from earlier, which leads to a Scooby Doo chase around the ring. Lynn gets a dropkick and brings the beating early, ending in a bulldog for two. David's no-selling everything. He misses a corner charge and drops TO THE OUTSIDE where Lynn starts to bash him into the furniture. That's BOTO, baby! David manages to crotch Lynn on the guardrail, then does some chops and forearm clubs. Back in the ring David gets two with feet on the ropes. David heads up top but Lynn recoverts and tosses him off. Lynn's back elbow gets two and he does mounted rights which causes David's imitation of the Flair flop.

Leg drop to the back of the neck by Lynn for two. He works David's leg for a bit before putting on the Figure Four, and it's clear David is hopelessly lost getting into position for it. He can't sell but at least he can scream. He drops back a couple of times but gets his shoulder up. I think it's meant to be a low blow that breaks the hold, but there's no leg movement and Lynn doesn't sell one, he just gets up. David drags Lynn into the ref because OF COURSE this five minute match needed a ref bump! David forgets to swing the sack and Lynn deals with him, but Truth comes out and blasts Lynn with the sack. David Flair has a pinfall win over Jerry Lynn which should be a war crime.

You can't work miracles with David Flair, and Jerry Lynn found that out. An exposure of his limitations followed by a fuck finish.

 

[Sky]

Entry #928
Dusty Rhodes vs. David Flair
Bunkhouse Match
NWA-TNA PPV #38 - March 26, 2003​

David's third and final singles match in TNA was against Dusty Rhodes, I suppose because Russo thought "fuck it, even a good worker can't get anything out of David, let's put him in the broken old men division". So TNA put him against Dusty, who was already past it a decade before. Let's see it.

David has switched music to his father's theme remade with space synths. He's carrying out a replica Ten Pounds of Gold that Ric supposedly wore. Dusty has a wheelbarrow of cowboy-themed plunder. He bashes David into the furniture which David doesn't even try to make it look legit, before tossing stuff into the ring. Dusty uses a whip then tosses more stuff in. Into the ring now, he puts his cowboy hat on the ref! David does an eye rake to the ears before using a shovel. He can't strut, but he tries. He misses a bullrope shot and Dusty throws arms and a Bionic Elbow. Cowbell shot takes out David for the three. Dusty takes the belt but Brian Christopher shows up to snatch it. Oh yeah, that was a stable, wasn't it? Those two and Erik Watts. How did this company survive to 2025?

Anyway, nothing match with no wrestling. I suppose that's where David Flair is best, not wrestling.

 

[Sky]

Entry #929
El Zorro/La Parka/Latin Lover/Animal vs. Rikishi/Sabu/Ron Killings/Headhunter A
AAA TripleMania XV - July 15, 2007​

Let's take a peek into the world of lucha for a match that has a funny history. This match, believe it or not, was originally meant to feature Hulk Hogan. See, 2007 was the year when Hogan was shopping around him vs. Paul Wight as an attraction match, as the man known as Big Show was also out of WWE at the time. So the lineup was meant to be Hogan and the three better-known Mexicans against Wight, Sabu, Truth, and Headhunter. But Hogan pulled out at the last minute and they had to scramble for a new surprise wrestler. So they got a random indie guy, put him in a custom getup and Leatherface mask, and billed him as ANIMAL! This was naturally stupid and never mentioned again. But how is the actual match? Let's find out.

Zorro and Rikishi are designated as captains, for the record. In true AAA style there's several minutes of pre-match stalling after the whistle. Sabu does his point and Parka tries to see what he's pointing at. Truth tries to involve himself but Parka does a weird pose that sends him off. There's a bit of feeling out and then Sabu gets control of both arms. Parka fights up and grabs a leg but gets shoved off. Rikishi in and Parka bumps right off him. And then we get a DANCE OFF! It's lame but it's the only logical thing that could happen with those two. Rikishi misses a corner charge and gets downed with a few punches from Parka, who's not laying it in that hard.

Now Latin Lover vs. the Headhunter. Latin does the Standard Male Model Hip Swivel so Headhunter lariats him and does it back! Splash by Headhunter for two. He msises an avalanche so Latin can make his comeback and clothesline him out. Truth comes right in with the Lie Detector which is SUCH a cool move. Double down which doesn't feel earned. OVW Thing and Latin does a leg-catch enzuigiri. Rudos try to interfere but get kicked out, then Latin threatens to show off his chorizo.

Animal's in, and ooh this is a bad start. He kicks off with the "try to look big and threatening despite being neither" mannerisms. In this moment he reminds me of Renegade. Rikishi hits him with stuff and he undersells. Animal tries to sunset flip a larger man... or rather, he tries to try, and totally overshots in a way that looks silly. Rikishi still misses the following ass-drop, though, as is standard. Animal tries to slam Rikishi, does in his back, and eats a superkick that the camera misses. There's a bit of partner rotation until we settle on Zorro/Truth and Truth does his cool corkscrew kick as we go to a break.

One break later Truth gets a visual pin when Animal distracts the ref from counting it, which is an interesting choice for the bad guys to benefit from. Normal service is restored when the ref misses a lukewarm tag to Parka... oop, no, Truth just got another visual pin. Rikishi comes in and continues the murder of Zorro, who gets a hope spot before being wrecked with a lariat. Now Headhunter is in and does a leg drop for two. Parka comes in and gives the ref a little kick, for no reason other than to be a dick. Sabu does some stuff and hits another leg drop wh a RIDICULOUS slow count. Camel clutch but Zorro drops Sabu off so Sabu does another leg drop. Rapid tags continue to weaken Zorro. Eventually Rikishi misses a reverse avalanche and there's the hot tag.

Hot tag is technically to Latin but Parka joins in to join the beating of the rudos. I've just noticed there's a fifth man on the rudo corner. No idea. The structure of this match breaks down and it's just a set of 4 beatdowns. Fifth guy is getting involved and hitting Parka. Headhunter splashes Rikishi by mistake. Truth does his cool spinning scissors kick. Fifth guy is apparently Black Pearl (Europe's favourite Samoan!) according to what the commentators are saying. We're back down to Zorro and Rikishi. Rikishi dodges a dropkick, hits a superkick, and teases a Banzai Drop, but Zorro gets the knees up to pound Rikishi's taint. Parka and Truth scrap a bit but Parka misses a knee. Ref's distracted so Konnan comes in and decks Zorro. This lets Rikishi do the Banzai Drop and win.

Typical AAA-style multi-man, which is to say it sucked. Structure broke down very easily, and pretty much nobody did anything that popped the crowd aside from Truth (and Latin's teased nudity). To be fair, none of the tecnicos did anything half the time as this was mostly Zorro getting fucked up. Animal didn't look like he could have done anything, he botched his only move. A difficult watch.

 

[Sky]

Entry #930
Bill Kazmaier vs. Ted Arcidi
Stampede Wrestling - January 30, 1987​

We've got a true Bad Match Thread DREAM MATCH right here, folks! A battle of two strongmen without an ounce of mobility between them. Kaz is barely a year into his career whereas Arcidi has been shoved up to Canada by the WWF to see if they can get anything out of him, which they can't. This is the stuff dreams are made of. Let's watch the test of strength festival.

Of course, they kick off with a test of strength! Arcidi kicks Kaz down, Kaz overpowers Arcidi. Arcidi does a headbutt but Kaz overwhelms him again. Then another headbutt. He screams every time he does a forearm club. Slam and an elbow by Arcidi, no pin attempt though. Kaz gets shoved face-first into the corner, but he's recovered as soon as Arcidi tries to follow up, delivering some clumsy blows of his own. Speaking of clumsy, that small package tho. Arcidi's on top and does a forearm but gets his arm caught in the rope. He then does a back elbow and elbow drop. Kaz fights back and hits a snapmare but misses his own elbow. Ted misses a lariat and eats a clothesline for two. Both men are audibly, loudly gassed already.

Arcidi gets the best of the fightback, does forearms and then an elbow to the back holding the trunks. Kaz barely sells. Apparently we're ten minutes in so I guess TV joined a match in progress. I doubt we missed anything. Kaz now ducks a back elbow and hits another clothesline. Kind of a shit one really. He ducks for a back body drop and it actually works, but Arcidi gets his knee up the second time. He tosses Kaz TO THE OUTSIDE and follows him, but Kaz gently "slams" Arcidi on the floor and rolls back in for the count-out win.

Kind of what I expected. Guys who can't wrestle and who can barely even move doing the same old shit badly, with a lame finish that puts no one over. I'm glad I didn't have to watch the full 11 or so minutes of this.

 

[Sky]

Entry #931
AJ Styles vs. Frank Trigg
MMA Rules Match
TNA No Surrender - September 14, 2008​

Once again we look at that old stalwart of bad wrestling: worked shootfights! Legitimately, I don't think there's ever been a good worked shootfight in a major US promotion. And yet they keep happening. Kurt Angle's punchman friend, Frank Trigg, does a worked MMA match against AJ Styles. In a format that means AJ can't do any of his flips. Great idea, TNA! Dave called this one a DUD, I don't doubt it.

Since we're in Canada, Trigg comes out with an American flag and gets cheap heat about how Canada sucks. He's actually not terrible at it, a better talker than most MMA guys. Feeling out to start, then Trigg gets a takedown and there's a bit of a scramble before a break against the ropes. Then that classic part of MMA, trying and failing to get a strike in. Trigg manages a trip and puts in knees until AJ hits out. AJ manages to take down Trigg and they fall TO THE OUTSIDE!! How the fuck is there outside brawling in MMA? Well, it's less brawling, more catfight rolling around. Staff separates them and there's a bit of a stall.

Trigg gets another takedown and lays in knees on the ground. He does some light slaps which commentary calls toying with AJ but really I just think he can't work strikes properly. Crowd wants wrestling, as Trigg tries an armbar while both men are basically inside the ropes and forces more stalling. CAMERA CUTS TO THE CROWD WHO ARE BURYING THIS. My god. Trigg manages a light worked kick. AJ scraps out of a waistlock and clips the ref, who doesn't bump. Guess MMA refs are made of sterner stuff. Trigg's grounded strikes continue to suck. "Fire Russo" chants are back AND CAMERA CUTS TO THE CROWD CHANTING THAT AGAIN LMAO. AJ threatens to cause a wrestling match by introducing a flying armbar, but it doesn't do much before Round 1 ends.

Round 2 starts with "this is bullshit" chants. Trigg does some shoddy strikes and an actual decent calf submission. AJ suddenly starts unloading with slugs, laying in and throwing some knees. And one of them lands right in Trigg's cock. This, allegedly, was a reference to that same thing happening in one of Trigg's MMA fights. What it is, though, is the lead-up to a non-finish! Indeed, this match ends in a no contest, because you apparently don't get DQ wins in MMA. "Bullshit" chants AND WE SEE THE CROWD CHANTING AGAIN. AJ grabs a kendo stick, wrecks Trigg, and then yells at the commentary desk about how he's a wrestler and isn't paid for this shit. Save some of that ire for Russo, why don't ya?

That wasn't wrestling, it wasn't MMA, it wasn't even entertainment. I feel bad for AJ.

 

[Sky]

Entry #932
Wardlow vs. Jake Hager
MMA Rules Steel Cage Match
AEW Dynamite - June 18, 2021​

On the subject of worked MMA, we're going to AEW for this match I've already mentioned in the thread you are currently seeing with your face. This was a stop in the Pinnacle vs. Inner Circle feud, with MJF's squad bringing its biggest man and Team Let's All Suck Off Chris Jericho (version 1 of 3) bringing a legit undefeated MMA guy. Which is seemingly the only reason they put up the octagon for this one. This got 3.70/10 from Cagematch, which seems incredible by this thread's standards, though that does put it among the 100 lowest rated AEW matches ever with acres of room to spare. (Looking at that... wow, I'm going to be coming back to the early women's division a lot...) Anyway, here's some worked shootfight.

Both guys get oiled up to start. Jake Hager is "Rock Hard" though it's not clear whether or not he has a foner. No glove touching occurs. Classic MMA start with feeling out and strike attempts that miss. Hager gets an arm around Wardlow after about a minute but they go to the cage wall. Hager scores a jab and walks off, and Wardlow literally takes it on the chin. Hamstring kick by Hager, who tries a double leg but gets shoved off. Wardlow poses like a true wrestler. Hager eventually gets his double leg but doesn't really try to press the advantage. He doesn't respect Wardlow and Wardlow doesn't respect him.

Another double leg. Hager's worked strikes look better than Frank Trigg's (obviously). More feeling-out, Wardlow grabs Hager's leg and smacks him down. He bundles Hager about but Hager escapes. The next big spot has Wardlow toss Hager into the cage and parkour off it for a damn Superman Punch. Is that legal? It can't be legal, surely. Hager's stagging about, Wardlow lays in, gets him down to one knee, but then Round 1 ends. I'm not sure whom I'd trust less as my cornerman, Jericho or Shawn Spears.

Okay, Round 2. Wardlow tries a high knee of all things. Hager avoids it but still is selling last round. He gets a waistlock but Wardlow fights out and brings him down. Wardlow's strikes aren't as good as Hager's but they're not as bad as say, Frank Trigg's. He tries an armbar but Hager rolls out, gets on top, and tries one of his own. It ends up in a triangle choke attempt which Wardlow fights off by lifting out and throwing forearms. Ankle lock by Hager but Wardlow rolls through and kicks out. Wardlow manages to lift Hager up to a weak looking powerbomb into the cage wall... then a HEADSCISSORS TAKEDOWN?? Classic MMA move. Then a spear!

Hager tries an arm triangle and it takes a while but Wardlow lifts out. F-10 teased but Hager gets a uranage and the arm triangle is back on. Wardlow flips off Jericho as he passes out. Post-match we look like we're getting a handshake but Spears runs in and it ends in a big old Pinnacle vs. IC brawl with Dean Malenko catching a stray from MJF.

Gotta say... the least worst worked shootfight we've seen so far in this thread. Still rather silly, when Wardlow forgot what match he was in and started doing pro wrestling moves, and if I wanted to watch MMA I'd watch MMA. But this is an improvement.

 

[Sky]

Entry #933
Rayo de Jalisco Jr./Dos Caras/Villano IV vs. Cien Caras/Canek/Mascara Ano 2000
2/3 Falls Match
CMLL Leyendas Mexicanas - November 17, 2017​

A long time ago, in a thread far far away (two years ago, holy fuck) I reviewed the first match on this CMLL show. And I did it knowing how bad of a reputation the main event of the very same show had. And now the time has come. Old man lucha returns, baby! Old man lucha is very different to most other forms of old man wrestling. It can either be really inspirational in terms of career longevity (e.g. a Blue Panther or Virus match these days) or seriously depressing because those luchadores just keep working after they're really badly past it. Like Canek! He's one of the standard bearers for being too old for this shit. He's in this match, with a total age of 366 years! Let's endure it.

At least the tecnico(?) team all manage to get down the stairs unaided. Canek has to hold the hand of a literal child to get down. He's 65 in this match. And he still wrestles seven years later. Mascara Ano 2000 has no mask and it's 2017. "2/3 falls, no time limit" sounds like a threat. And of course Tirantes is the ref (not the current AAA one, his dad) so there will be shenanigans.

There's a bit of stalling and playing to the crowd because at least Rayo can do that. We start for real with Villano IV vs. Ano 2000. Villano, like all his family, has gotten more spherical as he aged. They do basic sequences but really slowly. Ano 2000 trips on nothing. They do what was meant to be an armdrag. Now Canek vs. Dos, fucking hell. Canek looks gassed already. They're working on the mat to their credit, they're just doing it like untrained amateurs. Slowly and sloppily. I check to see if I haven't left the YouTube video on 50% speed. Canek wanders about holding Dos' arm. They then shake hands and go back to the corners. Code of Honour?

Okay, now the captains, Rayo vs. Cien. Cien takes his shirt off and shows us what passes for "in shape" in his sixties. Rayo gets downed by a chest slap. Cien does a nut shot in front of the rudo ref. Rayo is somehow worse than Canek here as his moves visibly do not land and they are, as with all others, in slow motion. They try to do a crowd-pleasing triple pin for the first fall but everyone's timing is so far off that there's no point at which all three tecnicos are pinning a rudo at the same time. Also, Villano lightly nudges Ano 2000 for his pin. Crowd is booing the hell out of it. They keep replaying it as if to draw attention to how bad it was.

Second fall, and Cien tries to kick Dos while he's grappling Ano 2000... you may think You Know This Spot, but they actually tease the accidental hit twice before delivering. Then Canek accidentally splashes his teammates. Villano and Ano 2000 again and once again, it's something that could be competent if it weren't punishingly slow. Villano takes the time to spin kick all his foes in the cock. It's now devolving into a sluggish WWE brawl rather than sluggish lucha. Rudos stand-up-braw, send Villano outside, and all pile on Dos Caras. Due to CMLL's trios match rules* this isn't the finish of the second fall, so they tie Rayo in knots to pin him and make Villano tap out to a LIFTING DOUBLE STUMP PULLER. Awesome move, shame about the execution. Fans remain unimpressed.

(* Allegedly you have to pin the captain - Rayo/Cien - or the two non-captains. So why wasn't pinning Rayo the finish of the second fall? Nobody knows.)

Third fall, and structure is a thing of the past. Villano's outside, Canek's got a chinlock to shut down Dos while the Dinamitas try to unmask Rayo. This doesn't work so they just walk around with headlocks on. Of course that leads to the classic spot where the rudos all get shoved into each other. The tecnicos do the rowing boat circlejerk to try and snap some legs but nothing comes of it. There's pin attempts and "kickouts" at two, and how fucking dare you continue this match, it's wretched to watch and to recap. Cien Caras "runs" the ropes (powerwalks the ropes, more like, as he's on that double hip replacement shit) but gets nudged by Rayo. In come all the New Generation Dinamitas to break up the pin and end the match in a DQ. Rayo gets on the mic to challenge Cien to a singles match that thankfully never happens.

There really should be mandatory retirement for these guys. Not one of them holds up physically and it's not even playing the hits in slow motion, because they can't even do that! The whole rudo side was in horrible shape, Rayo sucked awfully, and neither of the others was any better. I pity anyone who saw this as their first lucha show.

 

[Sky]

Entry #934
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Konga the Barbarian
IWA World Heavyweight Championship Tournament Semi-Final Match
IWA Japan 10th Anniversary Show - August 31, 2004​

And now, an old man match that speaks for itself. Duggan vs. Barb in 2004. Hey, at least it's not Duggan vs. Warlord in 2004. This is mostly a build-up to a match that's happening later on this card. Let's be having it.

HOOO to hype up the crowd. An aggressive hug is broken up by Barb who does a choke against the ropes. Duggan suddenly rallies with a clotheslines, and another puts Barb outside. He gets a neck snap over the ropes, then starts attacking the neck with throat thrusts and ROPE CHOKING! Then a BEARHUG which Duggan tries fighting out of. Because even if he is a relic of the past, he won't sell for a bearhug. He tries a headbutt and that's how he's out and we get to the arm-drop routine. Duggan's living and he escapes by biting. Barb does a few chops, a throat chop, then goes up top but Duggan rolls away. Three-point, clothesline, done, in a time of 3:41.

Old man match that went home really quickly and abruptly, but that's a good thing because the action was no good.

 

[Sky]

Entry #935
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Big Boss Man
Tournament Final Match for the vacant IWA World Heavyweight Championship
IWA Japan 10th Anniversary Show - August 31, 2004​

Here's what I came here for. I think you should know that I'm watching this on BitChute. Ah, BitChute. An unmoderated platform full of open white supremacist hatred, but at least they don't give a shit about enforcing copyright or even, apparently, banning porn. Anyway, this is the last ever match of the Big Boss Man, and it's in Japan in this random tournament in 2004. Against Jimothy Duggan. Let's watch.

Boss Man, with less than a month left on this earth, isn't even SWAT geared up and is just going for a black tank top. At least he brought the nightstick. Commentators fawn over Duggan's wife. Staredown turns into an exchange of forearms. Duggan walk-away sells and stumbles into Boss Man for a bit of grounded slugging. Boss Man unleashes a grounded choke and a ROPE CHOKE. He does his slide-out uppercut and the ref has to jump to avoid it. ON GOES THE CHINLOCK. Duggan tries to fight out but Boss Man grounds him again. Duggan does eventually fight back, corner Boss Man, and do his mounted punches.

Boss Man gets a clothesline and starts unloading on Duggan in the corner. One of his backswings bumps the ref because of course, even in Japan, you gotta do it. Boss Man takes Duggan's 2x4 but wife shuts him down, allowing Duggan to recover for the clothesline and win. Big hugs all round, Boss Man hands Duggan his USA flag. Duggan's crowned as champion, he'll defend this strap exactly once before this experiment of using ex-WWF guys ends after Dr. Death goes off for cancer surgery.

Anyway, about what I expected. Just the same old style with the same old guys.

 

[Sky]

Entry #936
Bully Ray vs. Raj Dhesi
Tables Match
MLP Forged in Excellence - October 19, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on October 25, 2024.

I normally try to avoid Bad Matches that are from the same calendar year, so as not to knee-jerk into "this is the worst match of the year" and pre-empt my own anti-awards (nominations open December 1 as usual, though by the time you see this the winners will already be announced). But I was watching through MLP's excellent Forged in Excellence show and this match came up. A match that the Cagematch hivemind hated. Its current 0.91/10 rating suggests that this is worse than, for example, Piper vs. Mr. T, the Kennel from Hell, the Yapapi Indian Strap Match, and both Orton/Wyatt Mania matches. And I thought I might as well save myself a bit of work for the future, right? So here it is. The first "bad" match of this young company's existence. Is it that bad, or is it just misunderstood?

We kick off with Bully Ray backstage, promoing to camera. I remember when "do you know who I am" was beginning as a catchphrase. I was there. He's got the audacity to call Jinder (and yes, I will call him Jinder throughout this match) a fraud ex-World Champ. He wants Sam Leterna to announce both his WWE and TNA Halls of Fame, and that he's a damn handsome man. Seems he forgot that he's also in the Hardcore Hall of Fame. After Jinder's entrance, Bully gets Sam to tell everyone to sit down and shut up. He threatens to leave if they shout Maharaja any more which is a great heel move. He then continues to insist that Jinder will never put him through a table. That's what begins the match.

Jinder's got the edge right away, punching all around and hitting a high knee. Bully's dumped TO THE OUTSIDE and so we continue to there. Crowd wants tables already, despite being guaranteed tables later. Impatient Canadian fucks I tells ya. After a slight BOTO phase Bully uses Sam as a human shield before pie-facing Jinder and using a mic on him. Bully goes to shit-talk Scott D'Amore's mother but Jinder uses this to take advantage. Out come a chair and a couple of kendo sticks. But he can't use it when Bully counters with an eye gouge. Bully lays in a few kendo stick shots and heels it up for the crowd. He then uses the stick to stab Jinder's throat. More shots at Scott's mother.

Bully's been clashing with the ref through his heat, and eventually seems to calm down before BUMPING THE REF. If there was ever a match to do a ref bump in, it's this! Jinder beins the caning, slams Bully... and tells the ref to GO UP TOP! A REF WAZZUP SPOT!! "My Balls" -Bully, as in every match. The ref and Jinder do a "get the tables" together!! "Sam, get here and take care of my balls" -Bully. That could easily be taken out of context. Bully shoves Raj into the ref which bumps him AGAIN, which means the resulting chokeslam table bump doesn't count. QT Marshall is out with a chain, clocking Jinder with it and pulling him into the table wreckage. That's good enough for the ref! Bully wins! He's about to clock Jinder with the chair until BHUPINDER comes out for the save.

GREEN MATCH. FUCK YOU CAGEMATCH. YOU'RE WRONG. YOU'RE SO WRONG. The purest of pure sports entertainment.

 

[Sky]

Entry #937
Lexis King vs. Von Wagner
WWE NXT - April 2, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on December 22, 2024.

Given the impending disappearance of the WWE Network, I've got to not only fit in as many bad matches from the WWE-sphere as possible (and I declared myself finished so I didn't work myself to death doing more of them that don't actually have a chance of making the Bottom 25), but review the worst WWE matches of 2024 in advance. And as I write this, this is the only non-consensus contender for WS's Worst Match of the Year that got a first place nomination in the awards. So, even if it doesn't make it to the final shortlist, I've got to watch it while I still can. Von Wagner's last NXT match, and probably his last ever match. Against Brian Pillman Jr. Let's see it.

Wagner takes King right down and pounds on him, sending him outside double quick. And you know what happens on the outside in 2024! Barricade bashes! King tries an elbow but Wagner ducks away. He tosses King all across the ring and stomps the proverbial mudhole. Then King gets a boot up, but he tries to crossbody a larger man and takes a fallaway slam. Wagner misses a corner charge and King knees him in the head. He puts down some elbows for two. One move of King's I really like - the rope hung boot choke. Exchange of chops ends in a sloppy as fuck neckbreaker by King.

ON GOES THE CHINLOCK for King, Wagner fights him off but he converts into a backpack sleeper. King kicks out the legs but gets slammed. Wagner does forearm clubs, no-sells a knee from a back body drop position, and does a big boot. Double underhook no-idea-what-that-was from Wagner. To the apron we go as Wagner does a chokeslam. He strips the announce table, for this nothing ass TV match. Powerbomb teased but King can't be lifted up for that long! He goes into a sloppier as fuck DDT. Coronation, done.

You can see why Von Wagner got released from this match alone. He just didn't have it. By the looks of things, neither does Lexis King. Generic, late-WCW style match between two guys who aren't good, that will leave no impact on the world.

 

[Grim]

Entry #936
Bully Ray vs. Raj Dhesi
Tables Match
MLP Forged in Excellence - October 19, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on October 25, 2024.

I normally try to avoid Bad Matches that are from the same calendar year, so as not to knee-jerk into "this is the worst match of the year" and pre-empt my own anti-awards (nominations open December 1 as usual, though by the time you see this the winners will already be announced). But I was watching through MLP's excellent Forged in Excellence show and this match came up. A match that the Cagematch hivemind hated. Its current 0.91/10 rating suggests that this is worse than, for example, Piper vs. Mr. T, the Kennel from Hell, the Yapapi Indian Strap Match, and both Orton/Wyatt Mania matches. And I thought I might as well save myself a bit of work for the future, right? So here it is. The first "bad" match of this young company's existence. Is it that bad, or is it just misunderstood?

We kick off with Bully Ray backstage, promoing to camera. I remember when "do you know who I am" was beginning as a catchphrase. I was there. He's got the audacity to call Jinder (and yes, I will call him Jinder throughout this match) a fraud ex-World Champ. He wants Sam Leterna to announce both his WWE and TNA Halls of Fame, and that he's a damn handsome man. Seems he forgot that he's also in the Hardcore Hall of Fame. After Jinder's entrance, Bully gets Sam to tell everyone to sit down and shut up. He threatens to leave if they shout Maharaja any more which is a great heel move. He then continues to insist that Jinder will never put him through a table. That's what begins the match.

Jinder's got the edge right away, punching all around and hitting a high knee. Bully's dumped TO THE OUTSIDE and so we continue to there. Crowd wants tables already, despite being guaranteed tables later. Impatient Canadian fucks I tells ya. After a slight BOTO phase Bully uses Sam as a human shield before pie-facing Jinder and using a mic on him. Bully goes to shit-talk Scott D'Amore's mother but Jinder uses this to take advantage. Out come a chair and a couple of kendo sticks. But he can't use it when Bully counters with an eye gouge. Bully lays in a few kendo stick shots and heels it up for the crowd. He then uses the stick to stab Jinder's throat. More shots at Scott's mother.

Bully's been clashing with the ref through his heat, and eventually seems to calm down before BUMPING THE REF. If there was ever a match to do a ref bump in, it's this! Jinder beins the caning, slams Bully... and tells the ref to GO UP TOP! A REF WAZZUP SPOT!! "My Balls" -Bully, as in every match. The ref and Jinder do a "get the tables" together!! "Sam, get here and take care of my balls" -Bully. That could easily be taken out of context. Bully shoves Raj into the ref which bumps him AGAIN, which means the resulting chokeslam table bump doesn't count. QT Marshall is out with a chain, clocking Jinder with it and pulling him into the table wreckage. That's good enough for the ref! Bully wins! He's about to clock Jinder with the chair until BHUPINDER comes out for the save.

GREEN MATCH. FUCK YOU CAGEMATCH. YOU'RE WRONG. YOU'RE SO WRONG. The purest of pure sports entertainment.

Yeah it wasn't even a terrible match it just felt so out of place compared to the rest of the card lol. In hindsight, it's fine, I dare say it'd be like 1 3/4* by my own personal ratings. Was just a big nothingburger but not offensively bad.

 

[Sky]

Entry #938
Jey Uso vs. Jimmy Uso
WWE WrestleMania XL - April 6, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on December 23, 2024.

Next up on my Tour of Matches That Sucked in 2024: it's the one people were talking about as the worst WWE match of 2024 immediately after it happened. Jimmy vs. Jey at Mania 40. The great big blow-off from the Bloodline's struggles, brother fighting brother. And yet it only got 0.75 stars from Dave and 2.71/10 from the hivemind. How did they mess that up?

Considering it started with a Lil Wayne performance, I can't help but think this match was doomed from the beginning. I really don't like Jimmy's solo music either. Jey dives TO THE OUTSIDE to begin a pre-match walk-and-beatdown. You like ring post bashes? Bell rings and then Jey sends Jimmy out again for a second dive. Jey hits a kick and goes up for a crossbody for two. They try to do a pop-up Samoan drop spot but they completely fuck it. Jimmy does an ass attack in the corner. Jey gets the feet up from another corner charge but sells... I don't know. I think it's a throat thrust but what visibly happens is Jimmy just claps and raises his hand and Jey collapses.

Time for a Finisher Counter, as we see Jimmy Superkick #1, #2, #3, and #4 against the ropes. "Jimmy sucks" chant, yep. Jimmy Superkick #5 follows. Jimmy goes up top for an Uso Splash but takes a metric eternity to get up there so Jey can roll away. Jey Superkick #1 leads to a double down. They do a yay-boo yeet-no yeet punch exchange. Hey, at least the crowd are amusing themselves. Jey has a fireman's carry, but Jimmy drops off to hit Jimmy Superkick #6 and an uppercut... Jey Superkick #2 and an uppercut... Jimmy gets his leg caught, then they exchange enzuigiris.

They stare and argue before doing some shit-looking forearms. Jimmy Superkick #7 then Jey Superkick #3... Jimmy Superkick #8... Jey Superkick #4... Jimmy Superkick #9... Jey Superkick #5, and then #6 and #7 in the corner. I am not exaggerating, eight consecutive moves are superkicks. It's like what everyone thinks a Young Bucks match is. Jey breaks (or rather, prolongs) the monotony by staring at Jimmy in the corner and doing a dropkick.

Jey's about to do another superkick but Jimmy wants mercy so Jey changes his mind. Jimmy tries to apologise for everything and wants a hug... and the crowd absolutely does not buy it. They see the inevitable betrayal coming. And of course, it comes with Jimmy Superkick #10 and an Uso Splash... Jey kicks out! Jimmy's primed in the corner but Jey hits a spear. One Uso Splash later, and it's mercifully over.

It's pretty obvious why this one wasn't received well. How could such a blood feud produce something so bland? It went into mindless superkick spam and overly obvious melodrama very early on, and was just really flat. There were some things to get the crowd invested, but that's house show shit. Not the big one at WrestleMania!

 

[Sky]

Entry #939
Liv Morgan (c) vs. Rhea Ripley
Dominik Mysterio in a Shark Cage Match for the Women's World Championship
WWE Bad Blood - October 5, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on December 23, 2024.

Quite a few of the less well-received matches from WWE in 2024 involve Liv Morgan. I was the one banging the drum for Liv back in the pandemic days, but I get the feeling she's a bit overexposed nowadays. And HHH's love of storytelling that goes at the pace of continental drift means she just sticks around. I feel the opinion on Liv started to turn around this point of the year, when she was finally champion and continuing the years-long feud with Rhea. Also, the stipulation here is a "heel's lackey in a shark cage" match. Wow, how will the heel's lackey influence this one? Surely it won't be the same way as the other shark cage matches!

This is the show where Liv and Dom come out in the low rider (available in stores now!). Rhea comes out with Dirty Dom toilet paper (also available to buy!). Dom's claustrophobic and scared of heights, like every lackey who ever has to get in a shark cage. Rhea wastes time mocking him for this. Incredibly heelish for a top babyface.

We kick off with Rhea overwhelming and overpoweriung Liv, tossing her about and doing all kinds of moves including a knee facebuster. Fallaway slam sends Liv TO THE OUTSIDE, where Rhea follows and gets sent into the steps. Liv takes an electric chair apron bash, which is surely just trying too hard on Rhea's part. Rhea puts Liv into the ring but Liv rolls back out, so Rhea just follows her with a dropkick and a toss over the barricade. As Rhea's returning to the ring Liv uses a dragonscrew leg whip on the apron, then goes out again to target Rhea's bad knee. Back in the ring Liv's kicking away at that leg. Half crab by Liv, which Rhea has to repeatedly bash Liv to escape.

Rhea blocks a corner charge with a headbutt. Then her leg is suddenly fine to run about and do a bridging Northern Lights suplex. Liv trips Rhea and smashes the bad knee on the apron and the ring post. For the first time, the ref administers a count despite half the match having been on the outside. Rhea's absence of legs lets Liv toss her into the barricade. Rhea seems to be countering but Liv does a pretty smooth kick. SUNSET FLIP INTO THE BARRICADE how did Rhea's neck not get broken on that one? She got folded up. We're back in the ring and Liv does a second rope Codebreaker for two.

Rhea counters a couple of attempts at ObLIVion but lands badly on the left leg. She teases Riptide but Liv counters into the crucifix bomb (apparently called the Homewrecker) for two. Liv starts slapping and screaming about Dom, then goes for the Three Amigos, but Rhea counters the third suplex. Rhea uses the Edge... Dom somehow gets the cage door open! Oh yeah, he's there. Frog splash to Liv for two. On goes the Prism Lock but the power of tendies lets Liv drag herself to the ropes.

Dom's at the cage door but he's got a long way to fall. Rhea starts bashing Liv into the barricade before him, and does the DX suck-it thing to him. Riptide on the floor! Liv's rolled back in, Dom falls out of the cage and is dangling by his leg. "GET ME THE FUCK DOWN" -Dom, uncensored. Rhea asks the ref to give her a minute without counting to beat on Dom. She does this by making a pinata out of him with a kendo stick. Meanwhile Liv is just lying dead and Rhea could have won. Out comes Raquel Rodriguez of all the people, to beat on Rhea and force the DQ. She hits the Tejana Bomb and puts Liv on top of Rhea for good measure.

This is a really mixed one. In-ring was perfectly fine but then the STORY and DRAMA and CINEMA started and logic fell apart. I saw a lot of speculation that the finish was botched and Raquel was mean to put Liv on Rhea for the three rather than a DQ. Nah. Ref wouldn't allow a pin after he saw that interference. It was just a stupid finish, is all.