Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #926
Curt Hennig vs. David Flair
Axe Handle on a Pole Match
NWA-TNA PPV #27 - January 8, 2003​

I referenced this in the Genesis live chat, so I might as well review it now, eh? This would turn out to be Curt Hennig's final match, which is seriously sad. Against David Flair, a man WWE had judged to be worth more than Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Bryan Danielson combined, for it was they who were axed from developmental to fit David into the OVW budget. Let's endure it.

Hennig's caked in sweat already, Jesus fuck. He shoots on beating up Brock Lesnar on a plane because he so clearly wants Vince to take him back. David attacks from behind but eats a few chops. His response is a weird mix of HBK-esque overselling and not selling at all, he flies about like a chopping board in a wind tunnel. TO THE OUTSIDE for the shittiest chop wars ever. After chopping David off the apron Hennig goes for the wood but David hits him in the cock. David does an amazingly light looking rolling neck snap. It's David's turn to climb but he takes an electric chair suplex. A blown up Hennig then tells TNA FUTURE STAR Chris Vaughn to go up and collect the handle for him, then knocks him down with it and hits David for the... win? Post-match David blasts Hennig with a loaded sack and chokes him for a bit.

Wow, Hennig looked blown up all match. A man who had been reduced to chopping and brawling against David Flair, who couldn't even do that. A depressing end to a great wrestler.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #927
Jerry Lynn vs. David Flair
NWA-TNA PPV #30 - January 29, 2003​

Fuck it, more David Flair! I always relish an opportunity to dump on him, so let's have a couple more choice cu(n)ts from his brief TNA run. And, because Jerry Lynn knows what he's doing and isn't broken down, this looks set to be one of those "Competent vs. Incompetent" matches like Muta vs. Gigante from a couple of days back. Let's go!

Lynn tries to attack David with that sack from earlier, which leads to a Scooby Doo chase around the ring. Lynn gets a dropkick and brings the beating early, ending in a bulldog for two. David's no-selling everything. He misses a corner charge and drops TO THE OUTSIDE where Lynn starts to bash him into the furniture. That's BOTO, baby! David manages to crotch Lynn on the guardrail, then does some chops and forearm clubs. Back in the ring David gets two with feet on the ropes. David heads up top but Lynn recoverts and tosses him off. Lynn's back elbow gets two and he does mounted rights which causes David's imitation of the Flair flop.

Leg drop to the back of the neck by Lynn for two. He works David's leg for a bit before putting on the Figure Four, and it's clear David is hopelessly lost getting into position for it. He can't sell but at least he can scream. He drops back a couple of times but gets his shoulder up. I think it's meant to be a low blow that breaks the hold, but there's no leg movement and Lynn doesn't sell one, he just gets up. David drags Lynn into the ref because OF COURSE this five minute match needed a ref bump! David forgets to swing the sack and Lynn deals with him, but Truth comes out and blasts Lynn with the sack. David Flair has a pinfall win over Jerry Lynn which should be a war crime.

You can't work miracles with David Flair, and Jerry Lynn found that out. An exposure of his limitations followed by a fuck finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #928
Dusty Rhodes vs. David Flair
Bunkhouse Match
NWA-TNA PPV #38 - March 26, 2003​

David's third and final singles match in TNA was against Dusty Rhodes, I suppose because Russo thought "fuck it, even a good worker can't get anything out of David, let's put him in the broken old men division". So TNA put him against Dusty, who was already past it a decade before. Let's see it.

David has switched music to his father's theme remade with space synths. He's carrying out a replica Ten Pounds of Gold that Ric supposedly wore. Dusty has a wheelbarrow of cowboy-themed plunder. He bashes David into the furniture which David doesn't even try to make it look legit, before tossing stuff into the ring. Dusty uses a whip then tosses more stuff in. Into the ring now, he puts his cowboy hat on the ref! David does an eye rake to the ears before using a shovel. He can't strut, but he tries. He misses a bullrope shot and Dusty throws arms and a Bionic Elbow. Cowbell shot takes out David for the three. Dusty takes the belt but Brian Christopher shows up to snatch it. Oh yeah, that was a stable, wasn't it? Those two and Erik Watts. How did this company survive to 2025?

Anyway, nothing match with no wrestling. I suppose that's where David Flair is best, not wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #929
El Zorro/La Parka/Latin Lover/Animal vs. Rikishi/Sabu/Ron Killings/Headhunter A
AAA TripleMania XV - July 15, 2007​

Let's take a peek into the world of lucha for a match that has a funny history. This match, believe it or not, was originally meant to feature Hulk Hogan. See, 2007 was the year when Hogan was shopping around him vs. Paul Wight as an attraction match, as the man known as Big Show was also out of WWE at the time. So the lineup was meant to be Hogan and the three better-known Mexicans against Wight, Sabu, Truth, and Headhunter. But Hogan pulled out at the last minute and they had to scramble for a new surprise wrestler. So they got a random indie guy, put him in a custom getup and Leatherface mask, and billed him as ANIMAL! This was naturally stupid and never mentioned again. But how is the actual match? Let's find out.

Zorro and Rikishi are designated as captains, for the record. In true AAA style there's several minutes of pre-match stalling after the whistle. Sabu does his point and Parka tries to see what he's pointing at. Truth tries to involve himself but Parka does a weird pose that sends him off. There's a bit of feeling out and then Sabu gets control of both arms. Parka fights up and grabs a leg but gets shoved off. Rikishi in and Parka bumps right off him. And then we get a DANCE OFF! It's lame but it's the only logical thing that could happen with those two. Rikishi misses a corner charge and gets downed with a few punches from Parka, who's not laying it in that hard.

Now Latin Lover vs. the Headhunter. Latin does the Standard Male Model Hip Swivel so Headhunter lariats him and does it back! Splash by Headhunter for two. He msises an avalanche so Latin can make his comeback and clothesline him out. Truth comes right in with the Lie Detector which is SUCH a cool move. Double down which doesn't feel earned. OVW Thing and Latin does a leg-catch enzuigiri. Rudos try to interfere but get kicked out, then Latin threatens to show off his chorizo.

Animal's in, and ooh this is a bad start. He kicks off with the "try to look big and threatening despite being neither" mannerisms. In this moment he reminds me of Renegade. Rikishi hits him with stuff and he undersells. Animal tries to sunset flip a larger man... or rather, he tries to try, and totally overshots in a way that looks silly. Rikishi still misses the following ass-drop, though, as is standard. Animal tries to slam Rikishi, does in his back, and eats a superkick that the camera misses. There's a bit of partner rotation until we settle on Zorro/Truth and Truth does his cool corkscrew kick as we go to a break.

One break later Truth gets a visual pin when Animal distracts the ref from counting it, which is an interesting choice for the bad guys to benefit from. Normal service is restored when the ref misses a lukewarm tag to Parka... oop, no, Truth just got another visual pin. Rikishi comes in and continues the murder of Zorro, who gets a hope spot before being wrecked with a lariat. Now Headhunter is in and does a leg drop for two. Parka comes in and gives the ref a little kick, for no reason other than to be a dick. Sabu does some stuff and hits another leg drop wh a RIDICULOUS slow count. Camel clutch but Zorro drops Sabu off so Sabu does another leg drop. Rapid tags continue to weaken Zorro. Eventually Rikishi misses a reverse avalanche and there's the hot tag.

Hot tag is technically to Latin but Parka joins in to join the beating of the rudos. I've just noticed there's a fifth man on the rudo corner. No idea. The structure of this match breaks down and it's just a set of 4 beatdowns. Fifth guy is getting involved and hitting Parka. Headhunter splashes Rikishi by mistake. Truth does his cool spinning scissors kick. Fifth guy is apparently Black Pearl (Europe's favourite Samoan!) according to what the commentators are saying. We're back down to Zorro and Rikishi. Rikishi dodges a dropkick, hits a superkick, and teases a Banzai Drop, but Zorro gets the knees up to pound Rikishi's taint. Parka and Truth scrap a bit but Parka misses a knee. Ref's distracted so Konnan comes in and decks Zorro. This lets Rikishi do the Banzai Drop and win.

Typical AAA-style multi-man, which is to say it sucked. Structure broke down very easily, and pretty much nobody did anything that popped the crowd aside from Truth (and Latin's teased nudity). To be fair, none of the tecnicos did anything half the time as this was mostly Zorro getting fucked up. Animal didn't look like he could have done anything, he botched his only move. A difficult watch.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #930
Bill Kazmaier vs. Ted Arcidi
Stampede Wrestling - January 30, 1987​

We've got a true Bad Match Thread DREAM MATCH right here, folks! A battle of two strongmen without an ounce of mobility between them. Kaz is barely a year into his career whereas Arcidi has been shoved up to Canada by the WWF to see if they can get anything out of him, which they can't. This is the stuff dreams are made of. Let's watch the test of strength festival.

Of course, they kick off with a test of strength! Arcidi kicks Kaz down, Kaz overpowers Arcidi. Arcidi does a headbutt but Kaz overwhelms him again. Then another headbutt. He screams every time he does a forearm club. Slam and an elbow by Arcidi, no pin attempt though. Kaz gets shoved face-first into the corner, but he's recovered as soon as Arcidi tries to follow up, delivering some clumsy blows of his own. Speaking of clumsy, that small package tho. Arcidi's on top and does a forearm but gets his arm caught in the rope. He then does a back elbow and elbow drop. Kaz fights back and hits a snapmare but misses his own elbow. Ted misses a lariat and eats a clothesline for two. Both men are audibly, loudly gassed already.

Arcidi gets the best of the fightback, does forearms and then an elbow to the back holding the trunks. Kaz barely sells. Apparently we're ten minutes in so I guess TV joined a match in progress. I doubt we missed anything. Kaz now ducks a back elbow and hits another clothesline. Kind of a shit one really. He ducks for a back body drop and it actually works, but Arcidi gets his knee up the second time. He tosses Kaz TO THE OUTSIDE and follows him, but Kaz gently "slams" Arcidi on the floor and rolls back in for the count-out win.

Kind of what I expected. Guys who can't wrestle and who can barely even move doing the same old shit badly, with a lame finish that puts no one over. I'm glad I didn't have to watch the full 11 or so minutes of this.