Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Samoa Looch]

Entry #915
Dump Matsumoto/ZAP vs. Mina Shirakawa/Waka Tsukiyama
Zombie Lumberjack Match
STARDOM Halloween Dark Night - October 29, 2023​

I feel cheated, honestly. Not only because the centrepiece of this match was a relic who couldn't work, but because this was a Zombie Lumberjack match where the lumberjacks (1) mostly didn't get involved and (2) mostly weren't zombies. False advertising out the ass here.

Can't believe this is the worse of the two (!) Zombie Lumberjack Matches you've reviewed...

...so far...

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #916
Mayu Iwatani vs. Yuu vs. Megan Bayne vs. Maika
Exploding Casket Match
STARDOM Halloween Dark Night - October 29, 2023​

I wasn't going to touch the rest of this show until @Chris said that, but now I look at the rest of this card and there's another WILD stipulation that takes my fancy. The exploding casket match! The story is, I gather, that Mayu Iwatani was being haunted by crow-masked wrestlers, and they revealed themselves to be her three opponents. It's non-canon, it's probably completely silly nonsense, it's about a 5 on Cagematch even though Cagematch overrates joshi which should tell you something. So let's enjoy a stipulation I've never seen before.

Opening clashes are Mayu/Megan (why does Mayu have a big fuzzy arm brace?) and Maika/Yuu, so the two powerhouses naturally wreck their smaller opponents before squaring up! For a CLASH OF SHOULDERBLOCKS! Maika cuts it off with a kick from the outside, then we get a body slam challenge, which Megan wins. Maika slams Mayu on to Yuu, then Megan slams Maika on to the pile. Then Maika slams Megan on to Mayu! Goddesses League winner synergy! Megan is just using Maika as a weapon. She has her teammate in a fireman's carry, then catches Mayu off a crossbody! Genuinely cool spot.

Mayu tries to do a springboard double armdrag but Maika and Megan are too much for her. Yuu comes in for the temporary save before Mayu dives to the outside, Maika and Megan catch her... Yuu does a STEAMROLLER to the outside! Now it's time or Yuu to try and walk Maika to the caskets! Up to the stage they go, but Megan follows behind and stops Yuu. Then Megan inevitably betrays and drops Maika into the casket. Which doesn't explode, it just falls apart! They're losing it on commentary, and Maika's visibly laughing while face-down in a pile of wood.

Now Yuu wants to get ROSSY OGAWA involved! She threatens to cannonball him and Mayu in the corner but Mayu rolls him out. Then, despite being able to escape, she doesn't and takes the move herself. Rossy finds himself right in front of Megan Bayne, who puts him into the casket. Yuu brings Mayu. Mayu tries to crossbody two larger women off the rim of the casket, gets tossed right back in, and despite her and Rossy's best efforts, the casket gets closed. And then it starts smoking, and "explodes". As in they let off a bit of pyro in front of it, then remove the casket while the lights are out. Bush league shit.

I was going to call this a green match until the non-explosion. STARDOM not delivering yet again.

 

[Rosie]

You know what? I'm happy Rossy is gone-

 

[Chris]

If I remember right, the show was so bad Bushiroad blamed him and he blamed them for it lol but it did probably expedite the split

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #917
The Public Enemy (c) vs. The Road Warriors
Tables Match for the i-Generation Tag Team Championship
i-Generation Superstars of Wrestling: Rodman Down Under - July 30, 2000​

Now for what I actually wanted to do today. (Well, "wanted" is a stretch. "Forced myself" to do today.) This weird footnote in wrestling in the year 2000. While Russo was stinking it up in WCW, guys that even WCW thought were too old and irrelevant to pay were stinking it up in Australia! This was the only filmed event put on by i-Generation, somehow not the only company that thought touring down under with relics from the past would be a good idea (don't worry, WWA, I will get to you). This was taped in July, but was broadcast on American PPV in November. The opening match is this. A real unstoppable force vs. immovable object here. Who will win: the Road Warriors' refusal to take pins or Public Enemy's refusal to take table bumps?

Champs out first. We get off to a good start when Grunge tries to roll under the bottom rope and gets stuck. He gets cheap heat on the mic and promises he's Going To Win The Upcoming Match. During the Road Warriors' entrance Grunge does a "cocksucker" gesture at a fan. Rock hits Animal from behind and we get punching in the corner with horrid camera work. Animal recovers and does some clotheslines. Hawk takes a shot from outside and Grunge gets stuck under the bottom rope again. Which Ted DiBiase calls him out on. This is a running theme on commentary.

In comes Grunge who takes a second rope... punch from Hawk. He can't take a back bump on a flying shoulderblock, he just falls on his big fat arse. Rock deals wth Hawk with a neckbreaker while Grunge gets the tables. Rock goes up top but gets tossed off and powerslammed. Double back elbow by the Road Warriors. Back to Grunge, the "donut-sucking wrestler" according to whoever's on play-by-play. Rock gets a cheap shot from the apron and we go TO THE OUTSIDE! Obviously edited in pop for Grunge using a chair and a whip into the guardrail. Rock uses a WATER BOTTLE as a weapon. Obviously Grunge would never go for that, all he drinks is pure cooking oil. Hey, now they've got me doing fat jokes.

Time for PE to beat up Animal. "Johnny Grunge, fat farm reject" -play-by-play guy. Rock does some awful crotch chops and a body guillotine, but misses the second one. "Chubsy Wubsy breaking up the tag!" -okay, it's a bit much now. Animal sunset flips Grunge... wait, we're doing pins now? It's a visual pinfall, and the ref counts two... in a tables match. It's actually a three but the ref pretends Grunge got his shoulder up because he's too fat to. DiBiase says it's about wrestling instinct. Then explain the ref. Rock goes up top but Animal gets the boot up. PE perform pathetic forearms on Hawk, who knocks them on their backs with clotheslines (except Grunge who only goes on his ass). A pair of neckbreakers by Hawk, but PE avoid the top rope move.

Hawk's outside on one of the tables and Rock eliminates Hawk with a slingshot senton. Of course, Hawk sits up, because it's Hawk. Rock then flips himself through another table that doesn't have Animal on it. Surely that means he's out? Animal topples the sphere Grunge but Rock comes in with a chair. Then he concusses Hawk despite him being already eliminated. Commentary cannot go five seconds wthout calling Grunge fat. The finish comes when Rock tries to whip Animal into a table in the corner, but Animal charges Rock into the table while Grunge is still there, eliminating them both and giving the Road Warriors the "prestigious" i-Generation tag titles.

Or, at least that's what is supposed to happen. Here's what actually happens. Rock whips Animal while Grunge is just standing around. Animal reverses, and slowly lifts Rock up. Grunge makes no effort to escape. Animal lifts Rock into the table, and Grunge stumbles back into position, effectively eliminating himself.

Just really bad stuff. Rudimentary action while the commentators constantly riff on Grunge's weight, and both table bumps were fucked up somehow. Good start to the show, eh?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #918
Brute Force vs. The Barbarian
Hardcore Match
i-Generation Superstars of Wrestling: Rodman Down Under - July 30, 2000​

Next up, we've got a match from straight out of 1988! Brute Force is Brutus Beefcake in one of his sixteen quintillion aliases, and the Barbarian... well, at least he isn't the Warlord! This is the second consecutive match with a No DQ stip, so let's see how they differentiate it.

Barb brings out a bin and they bleep out the word "ass" on commentary. Beefcake comes out with a shopping trolley full of everything else. He poses for the crowd, then when Barb does the same we get Bin Shot #1 and #2. Beefcake chokes with a brush and the ref ADMINISTERS A COUNT, which is how I know this match will suck. Other than, ya know, the participants. Barb cuts Beefcake off with Low Blow #1. Then a headbutt for Low Blow #2. Bin Shot #3, then Barb uses the brush again followed by one of those hokey neck snaps. Then a stomp Low Blow #3, which the camera manages to miss. It's PRE-TAPED! Get your shit together! Barb uses Bin Shot #4 to the back of the head.

Into the corner we go for Barb to hit chops. DiBiase reminisces about the concession stand brawls of the past. TO THE OUTSIDE we go as Beefcake does Low Blow #4. They go to the announce table, neither of whom is Ted DiBiase, so Beefcake can use a mic or something. Then we get that staple of BOTO: bashing Barb's face into shit! And you know it's modern day wrestling because a Pacific Islander is selling head shots. Beefcake hits Bin Shot #5, then walks Barb up the apron for #6 and #7. Then he chokes Barb with the bin which I'll count as Bin Shot #8. Barb picks up the lid though and smashes Beefcake with it, so... Bin Shot #9? Then #10, #11, and #12, I suppose. Then #13 and #14. Beefcake has the bin itself and gets Bin Shot #15, #16, #17, and #18 on the apron. Barb responds with that horrid walk-away sell.

Beefcake has the steps, but misses. Barb crotches Beefcake on the barricade which I'll call Low Blow #5. We finally return to the ring and Barb hits a suplex. Barb has a 2x4 and the crowd responds with "HOOO". When you'd rather be watching Jim Duggan over anything, it's a sad day. Barb hits punches to the head and pins for two. Now he's got a chain and uses it to choke Beefcake. The ref complains about it. It's No DQ! This lets Beefcake use Low Blow #6, and a botched inverted atomic nutshot for Low Blow #7. Beefcake does a headbutt Low Blow #8. Now Beefcake has the 2x4 and adds some BOOT CHOKING! He then tries to do either a cutter or a stunner, and ends up with something that just looks bad. It gets two though. Beefcake does a DDT for two, then a piledriver for two... he goes up top with the bin lid but Barb kicks it into him. Bin Shot #19 is the finish.

Two guys trying and failing to hide their inability to wrestle any longer by hitting each other with shit, rules that don't make any sense, and Barbarian no-selling multiple finishes. Bleh.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #919
Sweet Destiny vs. Brandi Wine
i-Generation Superstars of Wrestling: Rodman Down Under - July 30, 2000​

This is the oddity of the bunch: it's a pair of women who were trained to wrestle. Brandi Wine is a real product of the dark ages of women's wrestling, but she had a surprisingly long career and even shared the ring with the likes of Savannah Evans, which feels incongruous to me. Sweet Destiny was also Little Jeannie in WCW. Remember her? She had three straight matches against Mona and then disappeared. Let's glimpse into the abyss.

Brandi and Destiny are accompanied respectively by the "Sugar Daddy" (a.k.a. Tugboat, the second recipient of fat jokes tonight) and Joe Bugner the boxer. They play to the crowd for a year and a half before the bell rings. DiBiase suggests women wrestlers shouldn't have their hair long, and predicts a match full of hair-tosses. Brandi misses a charge and stamps like she's having a tantrum. Destiny trips her, then hits an actual armdrag. She teases a hair-toss but Brandi bashes her into the corner. Then a catapult. And then a grounded choke! Brandi does a series of hair-tosses which seem to have no strength behind them and only work because Destiny's doing all the work.

Destiny does some chops and a crossbody (that totally misses) for two. "Reminiscent of the lucha libres" -DiBiase, as Brandi applies a rope choke. We get multiple shots of fans laughing at these two women. After more rope choking Brandi clotheslines Destiny TO THE OUTSIDE! For some hair-bashing against the announce table. Destiny briefly reverses but gets whipped into the barricade. Brandi attempts a powerbomb but slips and it turns into a mess. While Brandi's arguing with the ref Destiny trips her. Let the hair-tossing continue! Then a headlock which Brandi tries to get out of by pulling the hair. Then what was apparently meant to be a hurricanrana, which leads to a series of pin reverses.

Destiny seems to have the edge but Creepy Uncle Fred on the outside trips her. Joe enters the ring to support Destiny. Then Joe takes his shirt off to challenge the Sugar Daddy to a shoving match. Joe wins by punching the fat man in the face. We go back to the women's match where Brandi is doing some shockingly shit shoulder charges into the ropes. Destiny gets a German suplex for two, then a snap suplex. She goes up top but Brandi tosses her off. Brandi soaks in the boos but Destiny follows her up top for a superplex (sloppily) for the finish.

Just so fucking bad. I know these weren't Moolah trainees, they can't have been, but they wrestle like Moolah trainees.

 

[Chris]

Trained by Moolah trainees probably

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Trained by Moolah trainees probably

I just looked it up, no, Johnny Rodz and George South respectively. How did they turn out that bad in that case?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #920
Tatanka (c) vs. The One Man Gang
for the i-Generation International Championship
i-Generation Superstars of Wrestling: Rodman Down Under - July 30, 2000​

Our semi-main is this match, which is for a belt that's called either the i-Generation International Title or the Australasian Title. Not that it matters, it was only two days old and it ceased to exist along with this promotion. Are you ready for a dazzling athletic contest? Well, you'd best watch something else, because you're getting a stereotype against a sphere.

During Gang's entrance there's a "Where is Akeem" sign. These are my people. Gang screams a heel promo to fill in time, overestimating his sex appeal. He's apparently only 40 but he looks twice that. Gang starts off with - guess what - forearm clubs and a clothesline for two. Tatanka fights out of the corner with kicks and chops. One more knife edge sends Gang to the outside, where he threatens to leave. [stopdontcomeback.gif] Fans start tossing bottles at him, leaving the aisle and ring in a hail of plastic. One clocks Gang right on the head and another hits the cameraman. DiBiase and his commentary partner make out like they're going to be hit, as if they're not on the opposite side of the world and three months in the future.

Gang starts to work the arm with a wristlock and elbows, but Tatanka eventually fights out and does his own wristlock. Gang walks around and gets knocked down for a few leg drops. Tatanka hits what I think is meant to be a crossbody, but turns out to be more of a trip. Then Gang does an actual crossbody. How do you have your crossbody look worse than Gang's? How? They do a sort of OVW Thing but Gang's incapable of performing even a light jog. It ends in a drop toe hold which lets Tatanka work the leg. DiBiase calls him out for forgetting the arm. Gang mostly doesn't use the rest of his body to fight out, except to spend two seconds trying to crank the neck, and then when Tatanka twists he remembers he has another leg and kicks his opponent out.

Forearm duel on the apron, then Tatanka tries to sunset flip a larger man, which looks like it fails until the ref interferes. Oh come on, he's not cheated anywhere near enough to justify that! Tatanka downs Gang again, hits an elbow, but misses the second and gets pinned for two. Gang does a knee drop and some slugs. Then he does the DEADLY DOUBLE NERVE PINCH! Those never look good. Tatanka fights back but Gang cuts him off. He telegraphs a body avalanche for a century then power-walks into it so of course Tatanka dodges it. Chops for two. Gang gets a boot up in the corner and does a leg drop, then wastes half a year before going for a second so of course Tatanka dodges again. Apparently. The camera misses it.

Time for Tatanka to fight back. With, you guessed it, MORE CHOPS for two. A whip causes Gang to bump the ref because of course it does. An exhausted Gang is struggling to climb the ropes, even more than he should in kayfabe, so naturally Tatanka recovers and tosses him off. Tomahawk Chop gets a visual pin but no ref. Tatanka tries to wake the ref which lets Gang load up his fist for the three.

This was so dull it was almost unbelievable. It was certainly structured, it had a beginning, middle, and end, but it dragged like hell. The lack of mobility is strong with this show.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #921
Curt Hennig (c) vs. Dennis Rodman
Australian Outback Match for the i-Generation World Heavyweight Championship
i-Generation Superstars of Wrestling: Rodman Down Under - July 30, 2000​

Before we start, I want to point out that between every match on this show there's a dance routine from a bunch of Nitro Girls ripoffs called the i-Generettes, clearly dancing to some actual music that's been dubbed over with library slop. Before this match, I'm pretty sure someone who hadn't thrown his bottle during Gang vs. Tatanka threw it at one of the dancers, just to provide something interesting on this show. But I digress. Here's everyone's favourite basketball madman/North Korean agent taking on Mr. Perfect. What's an Australian Outback Match? It's No DQ, falls count anywhere. Oh yeah, because there weren't two other hardcore matches already.

Champ out first with two valets, including one that's got some real pokies through her shirt. Rodman attacks Hennig before the bell and blasts him with the belt, and Hennig's bladed already. Hennig takes a full-on bump TO THE OUTSIDE. Rodman bashes Hennig's face into the announce table (the Australian announce table, whom we can't hear). Hennig gets a shot with a broom and wipes out the non-announcers. He then puts Rodman on the table and uses Bin Shot #20. Oh wait, wrong match. Hennig smashes Rodman through the table face-first, then smacks him with the bell. Rodman recovers enough to put Hennig into the ring post. Up the aisle we go for a bit but nothing comes of it.

Back in the ring Hennig stomps away. Including with Low Blow #9. Still the wrong match, but I'm sticking with it. He puts on a camel clutch, and interestingly you can actually hear the Aussie announcers calling it. That ain't the finish though. Rodman recovers with Low Blow #10 and chops Hennig's face off to send him outside again. Rodman unleashes Bin Shot #21 but Hennig gets a throat thrust and starts choking Rodman on the guardrail. During which the Aussie announcers call the camel clutch again, identically to how they had before. Either they don't know what a camel clutch is, or (more likely) they're looping bits of crowd audio to sweeten the crowd and didn't notice the real commentary team snuck in. Then when Hennig does a chop they loop that same audio again.

Rodman's had his shirt ripped and is getting chopped. They loop the camel clutch audio again. Rodman, seemingly for no reason, headbutts the ref, then takes Hennig out with a headbutt, back elbow, and missed elbow drop. Hennig throws some shots to a dazed-looking Rodman. The ref tries to split things up (or rather, forgets to try, Hennig has to drag him into place) so Rodman tosses him out. This causes a DQ! In a NO DQ MATCH! This show's existence doesn't make sense, why should the main event finish? Hennig uses Low Blow #11, attacks a bunch of staff, then brawls Rodman up the aisle... Joe the Boxer and Beefcake (who's at least brought a change of clothes) make the save.

No words are necessary. A basic non-wrestler brawl with a nonsensical finish attached to it. Trash to cap off a trash show. You can see how WWA learned from none of the lessons that this show gave... in fact, considering that Andrew McManus is credited for production, this could be seen as a direct WWA predecessor.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #922
Bruiser Brody vs. Abdullah the Butcher
Steel Cage Match
WCWA 3rd Cotton Bowl Extravaganza - October 12, 1986​

I made a note of a lot of things I'd been putting off in favour of WWE/WCW Stuff over the past year, and I look back and quite a few of them feature Abdullah the Butcher. It's probably not unfair. Abdullah, late in his career, was quite ineffective at doing anything other than cutting himself open. And yet, he was a draw so they wheeled him out to suck. Against Brody, because the number 1 way to get a heel over is to put him against a guy who doesn't sell, apparently. 2.71/10 says Cagematch, let's see why.

Hahahahahaha how small is that cage? Brody's just about eye to eye with the rim. It's so cheap looking. When they're putting on giant blue cages up in New York, you come up with something that's barely a chain link fence. Some extremely sweetened crowds here, the fade-in on the boos for manager Gary Hart is so obvious. The ref is Fritz Von Erich, who's recently shoved his near-death son Mike back into the ring and next year will fake a heart attack whose aftereffects will become better or worse depending on how the gates are doing. Wonder how this territory got killed?

This match kicks off (after a bit of stalling so Hart can be escorted out) with an aggressive hug against the ropes. Fritz struggles to separate them in the corner. After an extended shot of Hart we return to hugging. Abdullah gets a body avalanche and starts throwing hands at Brody. He then wraps Brody's hair around the rope and headbutts in his general vicinity. Fritz breaks it up again. Abdullah then does... something. It's not a chinlock and t's not a nerve pinch either. He just sort of holds Brody's beard. Elbow (armpit) drop by Abdullah, then he goes back for another one but Brody just gets up. This really is what I'd call "Hawk style" selling. Not really selling long-term, just getting up to go to the next spot and bury whoever else.

Brody does some boots and forearm clubs. He starts to mash Abdullah's face against the cage and starts gouging. Where's the energy to keep it clean from Fritz? Brody lightly jogs for more boots but Abdullah fights up. The cage is so low that Abdullah can do furniture face-bashes on the top of it. Fritz doesn't like that of course. Brody no-sells a headbutt which gets no particular reaction. They're throwing punches on their knees and Abdullah starts to do flailing territory sells. You can't win me back that easily. Brody climbs up to and throws a chop, bringing Abdullah to his knees. Abdullah's got his fork out, Fritz wants to take it and gets shoved. Abdullah's trying to use his fork on Brody but Fritz takes it. There's a clash, Fritz punches Abdullah out, then guides Brody on to him for the three. Post match there's a big fight to set up a future Fritz/Abdullah match.

Thankfully there isn't full footage of that one. This is probably the closest thing. Fritz interjecting himself into what was in all honesty a turgid brawl and making sure he was the only one who could get over. It's so dire, and looks so cheap, and it's in an empty Cotton Bowl.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #923
Abdullah the Butcher vs. Tiger Jeet Singh
AJPW Super Power Series - June 8, 1990​

This is one I've seriously been putting off. This same show this Budokan show that had the legendary Misawa vs. Tsuruta match, also had this. A match that earned an astonishing - and never matched - MINUS 3.25 stars. Yes, that specific rating, never given by Dave to any other match. I can't think of a worse stylistic mismatch than Abdullah/Singh for the golden age of All Japan. And yet, here we are, so let's see it.

Singh is weirdly babyface at the start, he's even smiling like a WWE face. Hard to do anything else with a cutlass in your mouth to be fair. The fans pop for Abdullah too. Singh attacks with the blunt end of the sword during Abdullah's entrance. Bell rings while they're on the outside and Abdullah gets some respite with throat thrusts and a headbutt. Singh goes for the interesting choice of targeting Abdullah's left hand. Not his arm, his hand. He does this by biting and using the rope. Abdullah fights back using rights and a grounded choke. Singh goes out to grab a box, and he hits Abdullah who barely responds. It takes about the fourth shot before he sells.

Back in the ring, Singh goes for some sort of nerve hold under the chin. Abdullah comes back with his two moves: rights and headbutts. ROPE CHOKING! Singh has discovered some sort of spike and uses it right in front of the ref. Five minutes have passed and it feels like five years. Abdullah lifts out of a headlock with a sloppy ass back suplex. Singh does that same nerve pinch from earlier. Abdullah manages to fight back with more rights and does what appears to be an attempted chinlock. They do the spot where Singh has to hit several clotheslines in a row to down Abdullah. The nerve pinch is back.

Abdullah does the elbow (armpit) drop but Singh gets his foot on the rope. He recovers his spike and uses it in front of the ref. No DQ called. Now Abdullah's using the spike. They're hugging in the corner and the ref is trying to split them, but no luck. So... instead he disqualifies both of them? Double DQ? The fuck? Crowd instantly understands how much negative sense that makes (after all, Singh used the weapon about half a year before that with no hint of rules) and boos everyone involved out of the building.

And that, in a way, is a fitting end to a match full of nothing. Just two men wandering around because they didn't have any ideas for a match, let alone a finish. Deserving of its treatment.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #924
Abdullah the Butcher vs. Zeus
CSP 17. Aniversario - July 7, 1990​

Just a month later we have this affair! An absolute fever dream of a match-up coming from Puerto Rico! This is somehow our first visit to Puerto Rico all thread, and I feel were it not for the lack of footage making its way off that island (WWE you'd better digitise that library already) there could be a whole lot more. And clearly there's something in the water in PR that they saw WWF tapes of Zeus, three total matches to his name, and thought that putting him against Abdullah would be the best choice. Let's see what went so horribly wrong that Cagematch calls it as 0.71/10.

It begins in the entrance, where the ringside is strewn with garbage already. Zeus attacks Abdullah and holy shit his forearm clubs look awful. They're the only thing he does, why do they have to be so non-contact? The ring announcer is doing his job as if this is normal. Abdullah looks blown up already, and now that I get a good look at him, so does Zeus. Once we're back in the ring there's a bit of a wait until Zeus does those forearms again and somehow they're even worse. Then an Andre double nerve pinch, and then a BEARHUG! Honestly, Zeus lifting his spherical opponent is quite impressive, but still it's a bearhug. I can hear Hugo Savinovich on commentary, and I know enough Spanish to get that he's repeatedly comparing this to a train crash. You're not wrong, Hugo.

So anyway Zeus is doing his incredibly light forearms again. And Abdullah's mostly shrugging them off but slumping in the corner. The forearms start to hit the ropes more than they do Abdullah. The Butcher comes back with a throat thrust, and Zeus takes his first bump by just dropping backwards then doing that Hawk get-up to got to the next spot. Which is more shitty forearms, which now mostly miss. Then the Andre double pinch again. Fans are starting to lose patience. Abdullah does headbutts and pulls out the fork but Zeus blocks it. His preferred weapon... dogshit forearms. Then a bearhug again, because this athleticism has tired both men out again. Garbage is now covering the ring.

Abdullah recovers by biting Zeus' face and downs him with a headbutt. Elbow (armpit) drop for two. Abdullah reaches into Zeus' tights, and appears to Irish whip him by the cock. This of course leads to that clashing shoulderblock spot. And some shocking clotheslines. And a standing choke. Abdullah fights out of a bear hug attempt by going for the eyes. A throat thrust drops Zeus again. Abdullah steps on Zeus' face and goes for a nerve pinch of his own. They stumble to the corner and Zeus lowers himself down, so they can set up an honest to goodness MONKEY FLIP. I mean, it looks terrible, naturally, but I never expected to see that.

Zeus does a grounded choke with one hand and his shite windmill forearms with the other. Abdullah goes for repeated punches and kicks to Zeus' nether regions. Face-grinding on the ring ropes follows. Garbage continues to fly. Zeus does more awful forearms, Abdullah does headbutts in response. BEARHUG ON THE APRON! This drags until we go TO THE OUTSIDE with both men throwing hands and wandering about. Zeus picks up some cheap yellow looking steps and whacks Abdullah with them... gently. They both get counted out and brawl to the back.

Amazingly inept, feels like one I'd have put on the Bottom 25 once upon a time. But competition is just too fierce nowadays. It'll just have to settle for being absolutely terminally bad.