Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #896
Summer Rae vs. Becky Lynch
WWE NXT - June 26, 2014​

After that nasty spectacle I should really be resting, but here's a short one! Becky Lynch's debut where she jigged all about and played the most ineffective Irish stereotype ever. How can this be good?

Summer Rae saunters in with her fellow Beautiful Fierce Females. Becky gets her first jig in when she's on the stage, and then jigs all the way to the ring. Crowd loves Becky right away, mainly because they've seen her in dark matches. Summer's visibly offended at Becky's attempts at dancing (as she was in a main roster program with Layla over who would be Fandango's dance partner at the time). So we get a dance off! Summer does some twirls and Becky jigs back at her, doing the fucking "diddly diddly dee" thing as she goes. Summer rages at her, going for a big clothesline and some shitty stomps.

Becky hits some armdrags as commentary muses on her being taught to dance by Colin Farrell's brother. Wheel kick by Summer, who then does a variation of a Cobra Clutch. Renee Young at the booth notes that she's close to Sheamus and looks up to Fit Finlay. WE GET IT, SHE'S IRISH! Charlotte and Sasha argue on the outside, and Summer whines about being upstaged, which lets Becky hit a sunset flip for two. Becky makes her comeback, hitting a couple of leg drops, and JIGGING AGAIN before hitting the third for two. Summer kicks Becky off her and puts the boot up, but Becky catches her and wins off the Bexploder. How does Becky celebrate? Take a guess... by JIGGING!

Generic Diva-era match hampered by a truly awful gimmick that seeped hard into the match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #897
King Booker (c) vs. Batista
for the World Heavyweight Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 20, 2006​

Ya like stand-up punchfests between two guys with zero chemistry? I hope so, because that's half the matches in this thread! Anyway, Booker vs. Batista! It's interesting to note that these two had legit heat. Batista got traded to SmackDown and acted like he was the only draw there and that pissed everyone off. And then Booker beat him in a legit fight, which was apparently what inspired Vince to put the King of the Ring on him. Also, in terms of actual storyline, Batista's returning from an injury layoff and wants to reclaim the title he never lost. Let's see what we have to deal with.

Champ out first, with WWE Hall of Famer Sharmell. I feel she needs to join people like Drew Carey and Vince Sr.'s limo driver in the context of demonstrating why the WWE HoF means nothing. She's best known for standing next to Booker, and second best known for standing next to Prince Iaukea. (Although I should be fair to Sharmell - she's a former Miss Black America, and one of only four of the 50+ winners to warrant a Wikipedia page, so that's something notable about her.) Anyway, she follows him around shouting the only four words she knows. Despite her instructions, nobody hails King Booker.

Feeling-out and a couple of lock-ups. Booker corners Batista and slaps him, getting shoved for his trouble. Booker does a few basics. He tries a spin kick but Batista blocks and does a powerslam for a one-count. He stops Sharmell from leading Booker away. Booker does some kicks, but misses another spin kick and eats a spinebuster. Batista Bomb teased but Booker rolls to the apron and snaps Batista's neck on the rope. Then he puts Batista into the rope in something that's not quite a Snake Eyes and not quite a flapjack. It's just something. Commentary mentions their legit fight as ON GOES THE CHINLOCK and the "boring" chants begin. Batista fights out but Booker gets knees up, as JBL inanely bickers with Cole on commentary.

Batista eventually catches Booker for a belly-to-belly for two. Booker avoids a leg move and goes TO THE OUTSIDE, where Sharmell distracts the ref so Booker can smash the sceptre over Batista's head. Back in the ring Booker puts on another rest hold, targeting the injured triceps. Then another chinlock. Fans amuse themselves by chanting "She's a hussy" at Sharmell. Batista fights off but eats a spin kick. Booker crotches himself on the rope, so Batista crotches him again. Two clotheslines and a sidewalk slam for two. Back outside, Sharmell gets up in Batista's face and Booker capitalises with a trip into the stairs.

Back in again, missile dropkick by Booker for two. They then have Booker do the Book End and Batista kicks out like it's nothing. Oh yeah, that's not a finish in WWE. Batista dodges a scissors kick and does a Jackhammer for two. WCW finishers getting demolished here. Batista does some cornered stuff until Booker dodges one and hits a neckbreaker for a close two. Full nelson slam, Batista Bomb teased, but Sharmell runs in for the DQ. This feud will continue! The fans chant about bovine faeces. Yep. Booker tries a scissors kick but Batista recovers enough to hit the spinebuster and Batista Bomb.

Typically dull style and with a bullshit finish. By the look of the Cagematch ratings, this one really deflated the entire show!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #898
The Rock & Sock Connection vs. The British Bulldog/Val Venis
WWF Monday Night RAW - October 11, 1999​

Over the past 897 entries, we've seen a lot of dogshit matches. But, not since the Kennel from Hell, the one that started it all, have we seen a dog shit match. A match involving dog shit. Rock got Mankind to scoop up a giant tray of pooches' poopies to use in this match. This is the sole reason why this match is being included here. It could be a six-star classic. It almost certainly isn't.

I would not be surprised if that was real, unsimulated fecal matter. It would fit Vince. Match starts off with Rock and Mankind each choosing a heel, punching about, and running him out of the ring. They clash with each other though which lets Venis drag Mankind out and send him perilously close to the leavings. Mankind stops Venis with a right though, and goes to the barricade to bash his face against it. Back in, Venis takes the edge and tags in Bulldog who does similarly limited offence. Mankind hits Venis with a bulldog for two. Rock in now, he's seriously over. He beats on Venis in the corner, then Venis beats on him in the corner. The duality of WWF.

Rock gets a clothesline and does his DDT; Bulldog breaks the count. Now Mankind against Venis, and Mankind has full control with a knee lift. Rock eats a back elbow and... armpit drop? for a one-count. Bulldog and Rock exchange cornered punches. Rock Bottom seems on the way but Venis breaks it up. Mankind tries to stop the two-on-one... silly babyface, that always just distracts the ref and allows the two-on-one! Venis hits a fisherman suplex for two. Rock fights back with punches and a Samoan drop.

Hot tag to Mankind who comes in with brawling which Bulldog barely sells. Venis tries to interfere but eats a mule kick to the cock. Double arm DDT, and while Rock cleans out Bulldog, Mankind tries and fails to fish Rocko out of Venis' crotch area. Now everyone's just brawling on the outside. Venis uses a chair and he and Bulldog beat on Rock until Mankind finds Mr. Socko and chases Venis away with it. Now it's just Rock vs. Bulldog, and Rock sends Bulldog into the steps. You know what happens next. Rock slides in the tray of dog shit and gives Bulldog a Rock Bottom into it. He decides against a People's Elbow because Bulldog's rolled off and exposed his shitty back.

Very nothing match that's just an extended excuse for a guy to get put into dog shit.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #899
Roman Reigns (c) vs. Braun Strowman
Hell in a Cell Match for the WWE Universal Championship
WWE Hell in a Cell - September 16, 2018​

Oh, this one. I remember hating the SHIT out of this match when I watched it for the first time. The first failing of this match is the premise. Braun Strowman turns heel and is Mr. Monster in the Bank... but he just cashes in the briefcase in advance, which heels shouldn't do. Heels should be opportunist about it. It's why Edge's cash-in was so memorable. Also, Mick Foley is special ref because you gotta have a nostalgia pop. For some reason, Meltzer gave this 3.25 stars, but then he gave that Hogan/Vader strap match 3.5 stars so maybe he doesn't know shit. Let's enter the big red box.

It just hits me that this is the last days of constantly-booed Reigns. In a month he'll leave to go and fight cancer and everything will change. Reigns slaps Strowman a bit. Strowman uses his power and does corner avalanches but Reigns gets a boot up and goes back to slaps. Strowman shoves Reigns into the post shoulder-first, then sends him off the apron into the Cell wall. TO THE OUTSIDE we go so Reigns can get bashed into stuff. Back in the ring the two big lads clash a bit. A Superman Punch and an uppercut meet awkwardly in the middle (like in Smash Bros.) and Strowman goes to the outside.

When Reigns follows Strowman out he gets run over by the Strowman Express. Time for boot-grinding and bashing into stuff again! Reigns is actually not awful at selling this stuff like he was in 2015. Strowman grabs some steps but eats a Drive-By kick, then another. Reigns tries a Superman Punch but Strowman catches him and chokeslams him on the apron. A bit of a "get these hands" chant arises despite Strowman being heel. That's the power of facing Reigns! Strowman pulls out a kendo stick and a chair, Reigns smashes the former over Strowman's body and then Strowman breaks it over his knee. That guy really must hate kendo sticks for how many he's snapped over the years.

Back in the ring, Reigns has the aforementioned chair and does a couple of shots to the back until Strowman catches it. Reigns guides Strowman into the ring post and hits a DDT on the chair for two. Superman Punch hits, then another, and Strowman remains on his feet. He fists his cock for the third but Strowman counters into a chokeslam for two. He bickers with Mick Foley while Renee and Graves bicker on commentary. Running powerslam attempt but Reigns counters, avoids cornered stuff, and counters a chokeslam attempt into a Superman Punch for two.

Reigns crawls out and gets a table. He tries to go around for a Superman Punch... Express, but eats some stairs from Strowman. In the ring Strowman blasts Reigns with the stairs again but Reigns kicks out at two. So Strowman caves Reigns' chest in with the stairs. Running powerslam should surely finish it but Reigns is kicking out again. This is what happens when you cheapen finishers! Strowman props the table in the corner and plans to powerslam Reigns into it, but Reigns gets two Superman Punches and a spear through the table. It only gets two, though.

Now begins a double down. I'm giving this its own paragraph because I want to be clear where the double down starts.

Reigns and Strowman are writhing on the mat. Heels-for-hire Dolph Ziggler and Drew Mcintyre show up to harass the ref, but Ambrose and Rollins counter them and chase those heels all about. Ziggler gets bashed into the walls of the Cell. Shield strip an announce table but McIntyre comes in, does some cage bashes, and strips another announce table. McIntyre puts Ambrose over the barricade, and they're into the crowd. Ziggler scales the Cell and Rollins follows him. By this point, Foley is more invested in these guys than the actual match (as both guys are down in the Cell).

Ziggler and Rollins brawl(ins) on the roof until McIntyre climbs to join them. Powerbomb teased but McIntyre blocks it. Ambrose climbs up with a kendo stick. "This is awesome" chants which you wouldn;t expect from a Reigns/Strowman match. Ambrose is up and throws kendo stick shots until McIntyre blocks one. They brawl a bit, and a double clothesline leads to a double down. That's two double downs on top of the one in Ziggler tries to climb down the Cell, Rollins joins him, they scrap a bit, they're clearly just waiting for a spot where they go into the announce tables... they do a few face-bashed into the cage. Yep, both fall into the tables. "Holy shit" chants but you notice I'm not excited. The reason? I've seen too many obvious announce table breaks in modern WWE for one lifetime.

And they're still down when Brock Lesnar's music hits! How do you overbook a Cell this much? Heyman demands the ref hand over the key, but Bork says "fuck that" and kicks the door down. Another "holy shit" chant. Heyman pepper sprays Foley, then Lesnar sets up the Cell door in the ring. Only when Lesnar comes in do either of these men start trying to get up, but it's thwarted by Lesnar using a table fragment. F-5 to Strowman, then F-5 to Reigns on top of Strowman. A second ref shows up and declares a no contest. In Hell in a Cell. Hey, boo all you want, fans, we've got your money! And we're going to put on something worse next year!

Just going to demonstrate something. That double down started ten minutes before the finish. It was a ten-minute double down. Why wasn't it called before then if both guys were unresponsive after ten whole minutes? Oh yeah, it's because NON-FINISHES IN THE CELL ARE BULLSHIT. And there's no point in having the Cell if a guy can just rip the door down.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #900
Nia Jax vs. Kairi Sane
Women's Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - April 13, 2020​

Okay. I'll promise this. These matches will be the last matches I post to this thread in 2024. There, I just stopped myself having delusions of squeezing any more out. I've got reviews of WWE's 2024 matches to write and not post until the results of the awards, after all! For the big 900th match celebration, I thought it would be appropriate to finish off with some of the things that bothered me most when I started watching wrestling live during the pandemic. The question of why the hell Nia Jax was so shit, and why she kept hurting Kairi Sane. This was three matches in quick succession. This one didn't have a notable botch that injured Kairi but I can't imagine it was good. Let's endure.

Kairi does the sumo stomps to intimidate Nia despite weighing less than half as much. She's great. She charges Nia who just tosses her off. Kairi tries a German suplex but Nia just shrugs her off. She dodges a corner charge through the ropes and gets shots in through the apron. She does a little climbing-the-ladder taunt, then hits dropkicks that have zero effect. Nia carelessly tosses her out. Asuka's very excited to watch Kairi. Back in the way Nia grabs the hair and throws rights. Diva-style hair-tosses from Nia. The ORIGINAL Annialator (gorilla press into Samoan drop) finishes it without much effort.

The tamest of the three, but it's a squash in favour of someone who sucks and against someone who doesn't. That's always bad.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #901
Nia Jax vs. Kairi Sane
WWE Monday Night RAW - April 20, 2020​

They ran the matchup back a week later, and Asuka insisted that Kairi was ready for Nia. Oh no. This is one of the ones with a nasty injury. Let's see it.

Kairi avoids a bunch of shit, dodges clotheslines, and backpacks Nia with a sleeper until Nia dumps her off. Big swing by Nia, who then returns to the hair tosses from last match. I notice the majority of Nia's offence involves dumping other women on their heads. Ripcord clothesline by Nia. Kairi goes to the apron and tries to sunset flip a larger woman. Nia thankfully does not sit out into a rana pin. Sadly, she does go for a chokebomb into the turnbuckle, in which she gets nowhere near before dropping Kairi, and as Kairi lands she hits both her neck and her elbow badly. It looks awfully applied. There's an obvious cut on Kairi's arm.

Kairi attacks the knees, so when Nia tries to lift her she can't stand up. She starts throwing forearms while Nia is on her knees, and a backfist that downs her. Sliding D! Insane Elbow teased but Nia misses and hits a Samoan drop for the win.

Mostly notable for that really bad buckle bomb, supposedly the move that took the buckle bomb out of circulation in WWE. Should have taken Nia out of circulation too, she was at her most reckless and inept around this time.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

If this was the 80s Nia would have been fired and blackballed from the business for being such a shitty reckless wrestler.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #902
Nia Jax vs. Kairi Sane
WWE Monday Night RAW - June 1, 2020​

Even after Nia hurt Kairi, some damn Einstein in the writers' room decided to put them together again. When Kairi was 0-2 and likely to end up hurt by Nia being the world's sloppiest excuse for a wrestler. This surely could not end well. And sure enough, it didn't. At least there's PC people in the crowd so the murder doesn't happen in silence.

Kairi's got a tribute to Hana Kimura on her parasol, and now I'm sad. She lays in to Nia with dropkicks and forearms. Nia taunts Kairi and gets slapped. For the third match in a row Asuka is watching from the back. Nia uses her power and does another hair toss. Backpack sleeper by Kairi to bring Nia down to her knees, followed by a series of axe kicks. She goes up top but Nia cuts her off with a headbutt. Nia tries a slam but Kairi converts it into a tornado DDT for two. Sliding D and it's time for Kairi to tease the Insane Elbow again. This time Nia goes TO THE OUTSIDE. Kairi tries to baseball slide out but Nia catches her and slams her face-first into the apron...

Then hair-tosses her into the damn steps head-first. Fuuuuuck. Kairi gets a big open gash to her head off this. They edit it out, but she does, and she'll go on to post a picture of it online. What we don't see is a good ten minutes of medical tests before they clear Kairi to go to the finish. Which they do, Nia winning with a leg drop.

Worst of the lot. In fact, I'm uncomfortable enough to call it a red match! Simply because they did this twice, it never went well, Kairi already got an injury off Nia's recklessness, and yet they did it again, they threw her to the anti-wrestler, everything a wrestler shouldn't be. Watching this now, I'm amazed that Nia even got a second chance. I don't even know if she's better these days. She might as well be just the same botchy reckless anti-wrestler.

Well, that's it for me for this year. I'll be writing reviews for the 2024 WMotY candidates in the background because there's no guarantee even they go to Netflix, but for now, this is it. That's your lot. Sky out. See you in 2025.

 

[Samoa Looch]

If this was the 80s Nia would have been fired and blackballed from the business for being such a shitty reckless wrestler.

Instead she's getting pushes and title runs.

Imagine they'd do this back then. We could've had Van Hammer, WCW World Champion in 1995, four years after he almost killed Doug Somers on PPV.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Instead she's getting pushes and title runs.

Imagine they'd do this back then. We could've had Van Hammer, WCW World Champion in 1995, four years after he almost killed Doug Somers on PPV.

my job would be a lot more intense in that case

 

[Skyefire]

If this was the 80s Nia would have been fired and blackballed from the business for being such a shitty reckless wrestler.

But she's related to The Rock, so she's untouchable.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

But she's related to The Rock, so she's untouchable.

Rock has already turned into a massive villain in my eyes so this is just another mark against him.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #903
Tower of Doom vs. Crusher Bones
Hardcore Match
Wrestling Group International - June 14, 1997​

Happy new year, everyone. And farewell to the WWE Network, as the streaming service ends now and moves to Netflix's library. And now begins a new era of the Bad Match Thread. I've been going full tilt into WWE-sphere content for the past several months so I don't miss anything important before it's gone. And now that it's gone, I'm free. Free to do the nonsense other promotions have been creating for the past several years. And I could only begin this new era with the return of a legend of this thread. That's right... "Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan is back! Or rather, his less parodic persona of Tower of Doom. This is one of a few matches I've found of him on the indies, but it's the only one I can put a date to, so it's the only one that's in the thread. Enjoy!

This appears to be in someone's back garden and filmed on one camcorder. Crusher Bones looks like he could be a fake indie Undertaker. He didn't look this tall in those USWA matches. Basic stuff to start off, headlocks, a clash of shoulderblocks and a staredown. Then that same sequence again before Bones starts throwing punches into the corner. Doom misses a corner charge and lands on the apron. He soon gets kicked TO THE OUTSIDE! And since it's filmed on one camcorder, we don't see most of what happens next. It appears to be Bones hitting Doom repeatedly with a chair.

Back in we go and Bones does a flying clothesline for two. ON GOES THE CHINLOCK which just feels lazy for a hardcore match. Bones picks something off the corner, hits Doom with it and rubs his face in it. I don't know what it is, other than Bones brought it to the ring earlier. It may be some sort of mask. Weapon shot gets two. Ref complains about Bones choking even though it's No DQ. Doom puts on the mask and does a falling headbutt with it but misses the second one. Now it's Bones' turn to miss a corner charge and get sent out. Doom uses a chair, and then he uses what appears to be a light tube, back in 1997.

Doom gets a bin and hits Bones with it, then initiates a beatdown on the outside that I once again can't see. Bones is using the bin and we go off camera again. When we're back Doom is gettig shoved into the ring post. Bones uses another chair and breaks another light tube! All the kids in the crowd swarm to the other side to see something going on behind the camera. It involves weapon shots I think. Legit, there's a solid two and a half minutes (or "one Undertaker entrance") where neither wrestler is visible at all. I think chairs are being used and they're punching in the crowd. Reasonable guess.

Doom uses the bin again and starts tossing chairs into the ring. Bones starts using them though. He hits a DDT on a chair for two. Back to the corner and Doom fights out with an eye rake. He hits a scoop slam for two. Then with an unexpected burst of agility he jumps over a corner and does a leg drop to Bones over the apron. In comes the bin, then in comes Doom again to step off a chair with a leg drop for a near-fall. Crowd is fully behind Bones who no-sells some chairs, gives one to Doom, and tosses him between corners. Doom gets a boot up on a corner charge and pins with feet on the ropes for three. Bones chokeslams the ref.

Honestly, I don't know what I expected. Two indie dudes who hit each other with shit. And the fact that I couldn't see some of the match should probably be a blessing. Anyway... Welcome to the new era.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #904
Dirtbike Kid vs. Phil Powers
EWA European Junior Heavyweight Championship Tournament First Round Match
EWA St. Valentine's Day Massacre - February 14, 1998​

It's like I've gotten a new lease of life! Especially finding out that someone filmed another Dirtbike Kid match! Two, in fact! A man a decade before his time. He'd have killed it in CZW, because he wasn't a good wrestler but he was willing to do stupid shit. Imagine what a hardcore dirtbike spot would be like. Anyway, here's a self-promoted show by him.

Before DBK's entrance we get a few clips of him wrestling including the Sabu match we saw earlier, and a 12-year-old child interviewing Powers. Start with a couple of lock-ups ending in clean breaks, and Powers gets a belly-to-belly. Suplex by Powers who chucks some chops about. DBK ducks a clothesline and delivers one of his own... sort of. What really happens is DBK motions for a clothesline but runs into Powers chest first. DBK slams Powers and then goes up for a Superfly Splash (because his body is the exact shape Snuka's would be). Lariat by DBK followed by a release German, but he doesn't even follow up on it and just goes back to neutral.

TEST OF STRENGTH which DBK wins(???) but misses a leg drop. Powers slams DBK and misses a second rope splash. Piledriver by DBK and even the commentator has to call out the fact that there was a large gap between head and mat. Powers doesn't even sell it long-term, because you gotta get up and go to the next spot. He ducks a clothesline and hits his own, DBK tries to do a flip-out sell but just crumples. Powers hits a dropkick off the top and kips up. Once again a slam sets up a high spot, this time a Shooting Star Press which Powers somehow manages to fuck even harder than Brock Lesnar did, messing up his neck. DBK dodged it anyway. He finishes it with a bridging German to bring a quick end to it.

Despite taking place in 1998, this is exactly what Cornette-types say the modern indies are like. Guys who barely know how to do anything imitating all the high spots they've seen and fucking them up. No structure, no point. And somehow DBK is the MORE competent one here!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #905
Dirtbike Kid vs. Mikey Whipwreck
Tournament Final Match for the vacant EWA European Junior Heavyweight Championship
EWA St. Valentine's Day Massacre - February 14, 1998​

The other match is a match that was meant to be the semi but turned out to be the final because RVD and Sabu cut a promo where they quit the tournament because EWA sucks. Worked shoot? Heeling? Either way, neither was willing to lose to DBK. So we get this grand finale!

Whipwreck is kayfabe injured and barely able to limp to the ring, so there's the jeopardy right there. Or maybe that's just how badly he walked in '98. DBK attacks the knee early. Both guys duck clotheslines until Whipwreck awkwardly transitions into the Whipper Snapper (which our commentator calls as a Stone Cold Stunner like a PLEB). Whipwreck seems to be trying a pescado on his bad leg but DBK drags the leg out and clubs at it. TO THE OUTSIDE where DBK takes a chair to the leg, then props it over the guardrail and hammers it. DBK goes for a charge but Whipwreck flapjacks him into the rail. He sits DBK on the chair and clotheslines him.

As Whipwreck's trying to crawl back into the ring DBK dropkicks him out, then hits a slingshot senton. He does an atomic drop and leg drop to wreck Whipwreck's knee even further. Whipwreck is trying to fight back but can't even do an Irish whip properly without his knee buckling. DBK hits a neckbreaker and a top rope leg drop for two. He goes up top again, Whipwreck tries to follow for a top rope Whipper Snapper, but DBK shoves him off. One splash later, DBK wins and is the champ. This is also allegedly for the British Commonwealth Junior Title. No idea.

I mean at least it wasn't a botchfest. It was a movez fest, though, even though Whipwreck's knee should be too hurt to do half this stuff.