Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #884
Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker
No Holds Barred Match
WWE WrestleMania 33 - April 2, 2017​

You may have noticed a lack of Undertaker in the thread recently. The fact is, he's "fallen off". He's in his "flop era". Or, given the context of this thread, he's fallen on and he's in his anti-flop era. The point is, I've not been able to find as much Taker tripe as I have, say, Lex Luger. But there are still some famously disappointing Taker matches. Often, they happened at WrestleMania! Like this one, when Taker was just so fucking old and had to put over Roman Reigns who was still at the peak of his unlikeable top babyface powers. Cagematch says 3.92/10 which is DIZZYING heights for this thread, but people talk about this as one of the worst Mania mains. Let's see why, shall we?

JR's on commentary for this one, as he's elevated a bunch of shitshows in the past. He can't save godawful PG Cole or JBL, though. Time to time those entrances! Reigns gets out in 3:21. Taker comes out through a trapdoor in the middle of the ramp, because you know if you asked him to walk all the way down that massively long Mania 33 ramp, he'd take 10 minutes and blow up along the way. Even with only half the journey to make, he takes an exceptionally long 5:23! Thankfully no in-ring entrances because they're projected to finish at over 5 hours as it is.

Taker goes in immediately with his Best Pure Strikes in the corner. He tosses Reigns out and says it's his yard. When Reigns is back in he gets pounded and tossed again. Reigns manages a neck snap across the ropes which lets him get a bit of offence and clothesline Taker out. Taker drags Reigns TO THE OUTSIDE to whip him into the steps. "Roman Sucks" says the crowd. He doesn't suck for long enough to hit a Samoan Drop, though, and sends Taker out with stomps and headbutts. Back outside, Taker's struggling for air already. He's about to do Snake Eyes but Reigns shoves him into the post, followed by a Drive-By kick. A couple of guys chant "We don't like you" for Reigns. Reigns is slugging in the corner and Taker does that walk-away sell I trash guys like Hawk for.

Yay-boo punches, Reigns gets a boot to Taker's face but he no-sells. No one told me Taker was Samoan! He's even doing headbutts! Snake Eyes, big boot, leg drop, for a fall that was BARELY two. Chokeslam teased but Reigns goes outside and tries a Superman Punch before Taker plucks him out of the air. Taker strips an announce table then bashes Reigns into a different one. Reigns does a dropkick on the unstripped table and hurts his back. Another Superman Punch attempt is countered into a chokeslam on the unstripped table. Taker strips the third table and signals that he'll try a Tombstone on top but Reigns spears him through the table! Very standard "high spot" in this WWE era. Reigns wanders back to the ring and Taker does his sit-up.

Crowd is thoroughly pro-Taker, and Reigns is basically working heat by stomping him in the corner. He does mounted punches but Taker catches him into the Last Ride, which just looks like the shitty powerbomb of an exhausted old man. It gets two. Taker goes for a chair, panting all the way. Reigns tries to grab it but Taker just boots him down. Taker unleashes chair shots at a rate of about one per year and teases the chokeslam but Reigns rolls out to stall. Oh, fuck off. He hits two Superman Punches, the second of which notably looks bad, but his third is caught into a chokeslam on the chair for two. Tombstone but Reigns kicks out.

There's a really awkward sequence where it looks like Reigns is trying to counter into a Tombstone, but either kayfabe can't get Taker up or legit can't get Taker up. Would not be surprised if Taker's just so tired he's sandbagging. Reigns hits Superman Punch #4 for two. Fans are just so quiet. Reigns lines up the spear and goes for the cover but Taker counters it into the hold that used to be Hell's Gate. He can't do the smooth transition into Hell's Gate anymore though. Reigns manages to roll to the ropes, and the ref does a rope break. No Holds Barred but there are still rope breaks. "DQ or pinfall has to happen in the ring" -do you know people still say JBL was a good commentator? Those people shouldn't be trusted with a computer.

Chair's in no man's land but Reigns gets it and lays it in. Shots to the back and the ribs, because they keep trying to make chair shots work without allowing ones to the head. Maybe all chair shots are trash. Reigns hits a spear but Taker kicks out. Slow get-up, another spear, but Taker still kicks out. Fans wake up for a yes chant as Taker rises. Wait for Taker to get to his feet... Reigns just hits a Superman Punch. Taker tries to do his sit-up but he's just too damn old for it. When Taker eventually crawls to hits feet, Reigns hits some uppercuts, runs the ropes, and hits a spear to win to widespread derision. Then we get the 10-minute sequence of Taker leaving his stuff in the ring and seemingly retiring. (His last match will be three years later.)

Yeah, that was a slog, wasn't it? Taker looked every one of his years, and the finish sequence was just finisher spam on Reigns' part as Taker could do nothing. I can see why he didn't want to retire on this match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #885
Jamie Noble vs. Nidia
Noble is Blindfolded
WWE No Way Out - February 15, 2004​

My mouse is absolutely not at 100% but I've got to power through. There's still bad matches to be reviewed! Including this Dave-approved DUD. The story is that Nidia got blinded by Tajiri's mist and Noble started to treat her like shit, because boyfriends in wrestling exist only to be abusers. This led to this one-sided blindfold match. And the second match in a row on this show that's set to feature a man beating up a woman. Is it going to be more of a Mania 7 blindfold match or more of a Lockdown '07 blindfold match? Let's find out!

Nidia's like a female Stevie Richards with the short denim shorts/kneepads combo. She slides out of the ring so Noble's looking for nothing, then mounts the apron to slap him. Noble takes off the hood and argues with the ref about it. Nidia trips him from the outside and does a dropkick. She leads Noble with stomps and kicks him in the ass. Noble's got Nidia cornered and looks like he's about to grab her by the breasts but gives up. Then Nidia PULLS NOBLE'S SHORTS DOWN. Bulldog for two.

Noble finally grabs a leg but Nidia counters to send Noble out. She has a bit of fun mocking Noble, sneaking up behind him and kicking him in the ass again. Noble attacks the ropes then trips over Nidia. After a brief moment where he attacks the ref, Noble manages to tale Nidia down and grab her hair. Nidia drops off and Noble gets a handful of extensions. She trips Noble into the ropes and boots him, then goes up top. The distraction of the ref lets Noble lift the hood and slam her. A dragon sleeper by Noble ends it.

If they'd leaned a bit more into the silliness of the blindfold match it could have been a green match but as it is, it's just a bit flat.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #886
The Undertaker vs. Kane
Casket Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - October 19, 1998​

Where was I? Oh yes, bad Taker matches! This took place a day after the infamous Judgment Day non-finish. MINUS 1.5 stars was what the match the night before got... and MINUS 2 stars was what this match got. What went wrong? Apart from the fact that they're undercutting the PPV that just happened, even if that PPV did have a non-finish? Let's see.

Casket is up in smoke already. Kane starts laying in with THROAT THRUSTS~. Taker elbows out of the corner, attacks the legs, then hits a jumping clothesline for two. Kane does a slam but gets no elevation on it. He telegraphs a back body drop but get DDT'd by Taker. Now for Taker's throat thrusts. So far, so usual. Kane's dropped into the casket but he drags Taker in. BOOT CHOKING by Kane but Taker goes for the Big Red Balls. DDT inside the casket, then Taker shuts the lid with both of them inside. So... a draw? Bearer has a chair, they're scrapping inside the casket. And they bust out of shit wood, destroying the casket bit by bit. Taker comes off the apron but Kane catches him. Kane chases Bearer off but Taker has that chair and walks off with Paul Bearer. So, I guess that was a match! With another non-finish!

This is just Russo stuff. No structure, no point, barely any actual wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #887
Nailz vs. Virgil
WWF SummerSlam - August 29, 1992​

Next we're going to talk about Wembley! SummerSlam '92 took place from the original Wembley Stadium, and is well known for Bret carrying a very fooked Bulldog to a good match. It's less well known for the two matches you're about to see! Nailz vs. Virgil... that lineup stinks just from looking at it! Dave was generous enough to give this one half a star, but I doubt it was earned.

"You're not gonna see much wrestling here" says Heyman as Nailz backs Virgil into the corner and goes for his only move: CHOKING! Virgil fights back with a clothesline and dropkick but Nailz counters with chokes and an eye rake. Virgil tries to sunset flip a larger man. Then a roll-up fails and Nailz chokes again. TO THE OUTSIDE we go for a bit of bashing into the apron. Virgil fights back with punches which Nailz seemingly has no idea to sell. Nailz meets a boot in the corner but blocks Virgil down right after. On goes a really shittily applied sleeper that knocks Virgil out cold. Post-match he beats and chokes Virgil with the stolen nightstick.

Squash in favour of a guy who can do absolutely nothing.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #888
The Undertaker vs. Kamala
WWF SummerSlam - August 29, 1992​

And talking of lineups that just look like they stink to high heaven, Taker/Kamala. Can't wait for stand-up brawls and nerve holds! This got MINUS 1 star from Dave.

I'm pretty sure some of Kamala's gear was used by Saba Simba once upon a time. Taker comes out on the back of a hearse. Sadly this doesn't lead to a Last Ride match. Kamala tries to attack from behind but eats some THROAT THRUSTS! And choking! There's a really obvious jump cut on the Network where Taker and Kamala end up on the other side of the ring. Taker goes Old School. He then clears out Kim Chee and grabs the wrist to go Old School again, but Harvey Wippleman shakes the ropes and Taker takes a tumble.

Taker's clotheslined TO THE OUTSIDE and chokes both heel managers, but Kamala comes in with chops and furniture bashing. The chops continue in the ring, but Taker dodges a clothesline and hits a chokeslam (an early instance of this move!). Jumping clothesline by Taker and Tombstone teased but Kim Chee comes in to force a DQ. Kamala attacks Taker and splashes him from the mat, the middle rope, and then the top rope. They act like Taker's been killed... but he sits up! Another early example of a staple of Taker's kit.

But still, this match blew all the ass. This is for me a demonstration of why the land-of-the-giants mentality just doesn't work. Because if you have big immobile guy vs. big immobile guy, it's just dull.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #889
Big Boss Man vs. Nailz
Nightstick on a Pole Match
WWF Survivor Series - November 25, 1992​

On the next PPV of 1992, there was another rubbish Nailz match and another rubbish Taker/Kamala match, so let's get right to that! On the night where there was the less controversial Bret title defence against HBK at a Survivor Series, we get this! The NIGHTSTICK ON A POLE match. Somewhere, Vince Russo watches and gets an idea.

In the middle of Boss Man's pre-match promo, Nailz is coming to the ring and tries to go up for the pole, but he's so slow that Boss Man can run out and thwart him. Heenan once again denies the presence of wrestling. Right enough - there's gonna be CHOKING! After Nailz is finished doing his one move, he tries for the nightstick but Boss Man pulls him off. Boss Man ducks an attempted kick and gets Nailz on his knees with a right. He's on the pole but Nailz pulls him by the trousers and tosses him down. Backbreaker (sidebreaker) for two by Nailz. And then ON GOES THE CHINLOCK! Boss Man eventually fights out and shoulderblocks but misses a splash.

"Boss Man is like the guy who installed the smoke detectors at Windsor Castle" -Heenan making the most 1992 reference ever. Nailz is on the pole but Boss Man yanks him off. Nailz musters a knee to the breadbasket, then a clothesline for a double down. Boss Man crawls to the pole, and can't get the nightstick down so Nailz has to stumble around for unnaturally long. Still, big pop when he gets it down. Boss Man gets a few shots in but Nailz counters and kicks it out of his hands. Now time for Nailz to use the stick.. he misses and drops the stick, and then runs into a Boss Man Slam for three. He no-sells the finish and walks off after taking another stick shot.

You call a wrestler "limited" but Nailz is one of the most limited wrestlers ever. He could do basically nothing. Again.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #890
The Undertaker vs. Kamala
Coffin Match
WWF Survivor Series - November 25, 1992​

And now, Taker/Kamala again. In not a casket match, but a Coffin Match! This one is a DUD according to Dave, and I would not be surprised. Here's an old Taker promo from the build. Old Taker promos were great. This won't be.



"That's not a coffin, that's a freight car" -Heenan on the Kamala-sized and -printed coffin Paul Bearer brings out. Kamala is apparently an overgrown child who's scared of coffins. Because African. I get the feeling that Taker/Heidenreich this is not. Kamala's frightened by Taker and runs away for a while whilst threatening a chop. Back in the ring Kamala does his chops and a turnbuckle bash but Taker no-sells it. Throat thrusts, then Taker goes Old School. Ripcord clothesline by Taker who brings the grounded choke. Back to the throat thrusts. Kamala then tries one of his own, then goes back to chops.

Taker's sent out so he can threaten the managers again, then they do the same outside spots from SummerSlam, plus a spot where Kamala uses Kim Chee's pith helmet. Kamala holds the chair the wrong way for a chair shot. Back in the ring he does a sloppy slam on Taker but Taker sits up. He tries again, Taker sits up again. He tries a third time... he doesn't sit up this time. Kamala does a trio of splashes to keep him down. Bearer has the urn but Kim Chee trips him up and the urn is in the ring. Kamala doesn't realise he's supposed to use the urn as a weapon (and is freaked out by the possibility), and the delay lets Taker get up and use the urn himself. Taker pins Kamala for the three (oh, so that's the difference, in a coffin match there's pinfalls). Taker and Bearer put Kamala in the box and nail him up. That's that feud.

About as bad as their other match, it dragged like a motherfucker and Kamala's weaknesses were badly exposed.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #891
The Brothers of Destruction (WCW) vs. Diamond Dallas Page/Chris Kanyon (WWF)
Winner Takes All Steel Cage Match for the WWF World Tag Team Championship and WCW World Tag Team Championship
WWF SummerSlam - August 19, 2001​

What does the word "burial" mean in modern wrestling? Well, it can mean anything from its original meaning, "a concerted attempt to kill a worker's popularity", to "my favourite lost". This match is often described as a burial of DDP in the first sense (not the second). It's also the lowest rated Taker match and the lowest-rated Kane match I hadn't touched yet, getting a 2.22/10 from the hivemind. Let's see it!

This is one of the shows where Taker used his Kid Rock theme, so feel free to let that influence your opinion. Taker's out with Sara, who puts the cage key in her top so there won't be any escaping through the door thank fuck. Team WCW both try to scramble over the cage but get dragged down. DDP is the one who gets dragged down easiest, and Taker starts to pound on him. Big boot by Taker as Kane unleashes a BOOT CHOKE on Kanyon. DDP tries to get some punches but Taker tanks them all and unleashes some Best Pure Strikes of his own. DDP gets a boot up against a back body drop but Taker tanks it. Then DDP finally gets the edge briefly with a nut shot. Clothesline by DDP for two.

DDP gets lopped over by a big boot so Kanyon tries Taker and gets absolutely hammered. DDP gets a little bit out of Kane but gets destroyed by a big boot. As does Kanyon. Who then gets slammed into the cage. Everyone slowly wanders into position. Kanyon gets a little offence from Kane but eats a chokeslam. DDP gets absolutely nothing and takes Snake Eyes into the cage. Kane powerbombs Kanyon into the cage corner, bringing the back of his head into metal struts. Taker makes DDP one with the cage with a series of charges. Kanyon comes out with a top rope clothesline and tries to escape, scrapping with Kane on the top and hitting a Famouser. DDT by DDP, his first major move all match.

Team WCW tries to escape, but DOUBLE SIT-UP and the tall boys follow. Taker's standing on top of the cage and kicks DDP off to crotch him on the rope. He tells Kane to let Kanyon escape because he wants DDP, and takes a chain off the top of the cage. Kanyon's going to the back to leave DDP to die 2-on-1. A cavalcade of corner clotheslines is followed by a sidewalk slam, but Taker lifts DDP off the mat. He beats on DDP in the corner, while Kane sits on the corner and just watches. He tosses him into the cage with the chain around his neck and teases a chokeslam. He allows DDP to live and escape the cage... but it's all a ruse as Taker chokeslams DDP off. Last Ride, done. Sara trashes the deceased DDP post-match.

Yeah, that was a burial of DDP! He got nothing. And it's not like he was a natural heel who had to get his comeuppance, he was a guy who was strangely changed into a stalker and then done in by backstage politics. Don't watch this.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #892
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Sara
WWF Monday Night RAW - August 20, 2001​

Of course, when I cover that match I've got to cover this one! Taker's wife against DDP! How to bury DDP even more... have him beaten up by a non-wrestler!

Naturally, DDP's not only pathetic, he's delusional, and thinks Sara wants him in the ring... in a different way. Sara comes out on the back of Taker's bike to Rollin'. I actually think Rollin' is a good wrestling theme, but it's not fitting for Taker. Much like the biker gimmick. DDP offers Sara a free slap. She takes the opportunity. DDP shoves her over. He corners her and stops Taker saving Sara. So Taker drags DDP out and beats on him. The bell hasn't even rung yet so I don't know why the ref distraction is necessary. Match officially starts, Sara pins DDP Taker-style. Match time: FIVE SECONDS.

A pointless burial among a laundry list of pointless burials in the Invasion.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #890
The Undertaker vs. Kamala
Coffin Match
WWF Survivor Series - November 25, 1992​

And now, Taker/Kamala again. In not a casket match, but a Coffin Match! This one is a DUD according to Dave, and I would not be surprised. Here's an old Taker promo from the build. Old Taker promos were great. This won't be.



"That's not a coffin, that's a freight car" -Heenan on the Kamala-sized and -printed coffin Paul Bearer brings out. Kamala is apparently an overgrown child who's scared of coffins. Because African. I get the feeling that Taker/Heidenreich this is not. Kamala's frightened by Taker and runs away for a while whilst threatening a chop. Back in the ring Kamala does his chops and a turnbuckle bash but Taker no-sells it. Throat thrusts, then Taker goes Old School. Ripcord clothesline by Taker who brings the grounded choke. Back to the throat thrusts. Kamala then tries one of his own, then goes back to chops.

Taker's sent out so he can threaten the managers again, then they do the same outside spots from SummerSlam, plus a spot where Kamala uses Kim Chee's pith helmet. Kamala holds the chair the wrong way for a chair shot. Back in the ring he does a sloppy slam on Taker but Taker sits up. He tries again, Taker sits up again. He tries a third time... he doesn't sit up this time. Kamala does a trio of splashes to keep him down. Bearer has the urn but Kim Chee trips him up and the urn is in the ring. Kamala doesn't realise he's supposed to use the urn as a weapon (and is freaked out by the possibility), and the delay lets Taker get up and use the urn himself. Taker pins Kamala for the three (oh, so that's the difference, in a coffin match there's pinfalls). Taker and Bearer put Kamala in the box and nail him up. That's that feud.

About as bad as their other match, it dragged like a motherfucker and Kamala's weaknesses were badly exposed.

Technically, calling it a Coffin Match instead of Casket Match, is correct. A coffin has six walls plus a top and bottom and the lid is nailed to the rest of the coffin, while a casket has four walls plus top and bottom and the lid is attached by hinges.

 

[Samoa Looch]

Were they really pointless, when their whole purpose was to amuse and satisfy Daddy Vince?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #893
The Undertaker vs. Heidenreich
WWE Survivor Series - November 14, 2004​

Remember when Taker and Heidenreich had a fun casket match? They did this two months earlier but it was just a regular match. I imagine adding a gimmick to the rematch was them learning from experience that Heidy couldn't wrestle for shit. 2.95/10 says Cagematch, not a surprise.

Heidy is out in a straightjacket because you've gotta sell the crazy gimmick! Taker entrance length: 3 minutes, 21 seconds, which is impressively long for a non-Mania show. Start with a tall man staredown. Heidy tries a right but Taker blocks it and unleashes some of those Best Pure Strikes in the corner. He then scares off the ref. Big boot by Taker, then a couple of elbow drops for two. Taker's starting to work the shoulder, including by elbowing Heidy while holding a wristlock, which makes a lot of sense and I don't know why more wrestlers don't do that.

Taker tries to go Old School, Heyman distracts the ref so Heidy can do a nutshot. And then again so Heidy can drag Taker balls-first into the post. TO THE OUTSIDE we go with Heidy punching away. He walks Taker over to the steps so they can bash each other against them. Taker dangles Heidy over the apron and does elbows and a leg drop to the throat. Back in the ring Taker finally gets to go Old School. He then uses a Flatliner, which is a move I see a lot in these neo-Deadman matches that never seems to stick. It's like that weird time in '02 where he was really ginger and used a dragon sleeper.

More striking, Taker scares the ref again, but he misses a big boot and now let Heidy's heat begin. He does a back elbow that knocks Taker off the apron. Outside, he throws hands about Then, back in the ring, he uses a big boot for two. ON GOES THE CHINLOCK! Taker manages to fight back with punches on his knees but gets clotheslined down for two. Taker does punches but Heidy does another clothesline off the ropes. He does some elbows when they replay the punches. Because that's the level of excitement we're at. Punches are a high spot. Taker blocks an attempted suplex and reverses. Back to the punchfest. Taker gets kicked on a back body drop attempt but no-sells. Heidy tosses Taker out and tries the forearm clubs on the apron but Taker snaps his neck on the rope.

Bundy Killer clothesline for two. Corner splash, Snake Eyes, big boot, leg drop for two. Chokeslam teased but Heidy counters and goes back to punches. He hits the Disasterpiece (Black Hole Slam) which is somehow the first actual move he's managed. He does mounted punches but you don't do mounted punches against Taker! Last Ride should win it but Heidy grabs the bottom rope. Heidy attempts a sleeper but Taker counters into a back suplex. Double down, and Taker does his famous sit-up. Jumping clothesline, chokeslam, Tombstone, yep, it's over. Taker's face at the end is like "why did they get this useless nobody to wrestle me?".

Sixteen minutes of solo Heidenreich with no smoke or mirrors. I don't think I need to tell you why that's a bad thing.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #894
The Undertaker vs. Luther Reigns
WWE No Way Out - February 20, 2005​

Hey, did you know the big plan for Taker at Mania 21 was Taker/Kane vs. Heidenreich/Luther Reigns? I don't see why not, I've mentioned it a few times in this thread. Clearly at some point they realised both guys couldn't wrestle and killed off the idea. But they've still got to blow it off, so here's Taker vs. Reigns 12 years early. 2.79/10 says Cagematch.

Reigns is seconded by Mark Jindrak who is his superior in every way, until the ref sends Jindrak to the back. Apparently Reigns thinks it's his yard, not Taker's, which is such a weird thing to hear from 2005 commentary. Taker's entrance time: 2 minutes, 50 seconds. This match starts as the previous one did: with Taker pounding in the corner. Reigns avoids the back-body-drop-boot no-sell spot by doing an elbow to Taker's neck instead. Apparently he got hit with a TV camera there, so that's the story. Taker still gets a big boot for two. He weakens the left arm before going Old School, and it annoys me that he only does arm work to set up for Old School and no other purpose. Flatliner (Cole calls it a DDT) for two.

GROUNDED CHOKING! Taker scares the ref away which allows Reigns to strip a turnbuckle. However, Taker blocks the bare buckle bash. He does cornered stuff, then Reigns does a clothesline for two. Taker whips Reigns into that exposed turnbuckle's corner. Reigns ends up on the apron so Taker can do those elbows and that leg drop. I do like how Reigns dangles after he takes that. Taker's got Reigns cornered, he holds the ref off but that stops him seeing the low blow. Reigns puts Taker into that turnbuckle neck first. TO THE OUTSIDE where Reigns bashes Taker into stuff. Back in the ring Taker is mostly doing walk-about selling. Suplex by Reigns for two.

Reigns goes for the head and neck with his forearm clubs, which is about as much psychology as you can get. He puts on... a HALF CRAB??? Come the fuck on. The one situation where something like a chinlock makes sense, and you don't even bother with it. He converts into a leg bar as Taker is fading according to the commentary... and immediately after, he starts punching and kicking out. Taker gets a clothesline for two. They bounce about the ring a bit then they do a spear, but Taker's the one running and Reigns is just standing. An antispear? Reigns does a fist drop for two. He teases the Reign of Terror (like a reverse DDT but the opponent spins to their front midway through in defiance of physics) but Taker fights out.

There's a bit of brawling until Taker fights out with a jumping block. Reigns avoids Snake Eyes but not the big boot and leg drop. Chokeslam, then Tombstone teased but Reigns drops out and hits the Reign of Terror. Only two though. The crowd seems completely dead. Reign of Terror teased again but Taker hits a DDT, sits up and puts it to a merciful end with a Tombstone.

Oh my fucking god how was that MORE boring and pathetic than the Heidenreich match? How can someone be so uninspiring as Luther Reigns is?

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Luther Reigns? Mr. In Jail 24/7, except for when he needs to appear on SmackDown? GIMME THEM PEAS

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #895
The Undertaker vs. Triple H
No Disqualification Match
WWE Super ShowDown - October 6, 2018​

"Last Time Ever" was the bit of ad copy they attached to this match. This old, crumbling match. 49-year-old HHH vs. 53-year-old Taker. To be fair, HHH was the only major Attitude Era guy that Taker didn't have the most rancid anti-chemistry with, but they're so ancient. Why would you do this for checks card NEARLY HALF AN HOUR???? It's going to be a long night.

HHH and Taker are respectively led out by Shawn Michaels and Kane, as if to foreshadow that dreadful Crown Jewel match. A bit of entrance timing is necessary. HBK, HHH, and Kane's entrances sum up to 6:10. Taker's entrance is 4:40. The in-ring introductions sap another 1:20, then there's another 45 or so seconds of staredown before the bell. That comes to nearly thirteen minutes of waiting for this drag of a match to even start. That's the problem with modern WWE. So. Much. Fucking. Waiting.

...and we've got to wait even longer with HHH dodging Taker's stuff. HHH goes to beat Taker up in the corner, then avoids Taker's attempt to reciprocate. After more staring, Taker manages to get a boot, and starts to work the arm... is he going to go Old School? Nah, HHH punches him down. HHH tries to work the arm in the same way. Looks like he's going to try Old School, but Taker counters, tosses him into the corner, and unleashes some Best Pure Strikes. More arm work and NOW we get Old School. Apparently Taker's got more PPV wins than anyone in WWE at 101. It's more interesting than the cornered punch session going on now.

Snake Eyes but HHH counters Taker's big boot attempt with a knee. HBK gets on the apron to distract Taker so HHH can clothesline him TO THE OUTSIDE. HBK's goozled, HHH tries to take advantage but Taker snaps his neck over the apron. HBK shoves Taker into the ring post. After a bit of lying around and waiting HHH whips Taker into the barricade and then the steps. Out comes a table as something new and exciting briefly threatens to happen. HBK and Kane exchange some looks. HHH wants a Pedigree on the outside but Taker hits a back body drop. Now it's Taker's turn to bash his opponent into stuff. Back in the ring HHH hits a neckbreaker for two. Some people chant "this is awesome"? What the fuck? It's nothing of the sort.

Taker fights up from his knees and teases a back body drop, but HHH avoids the boot no-sell by using a knee facebuster instead. HHH up top for a flying nothing but Taker tosses him outside. Taker whips HHH into the timekeeper's area, then strips a table because there is only one spot in a No DQ match in this era of WWE. HHH charges but Taker back body drops him into the crowd. Let the walk and brawl into the crowd begin, but this time the crowd are dead because Australians aren't morons who just want to be on TV. Taker finds a cable and chokes HHH with it for a bit. They try to do a Pedigree tease/back body drop again but Taker can't even lift HHH up for the back body drop. Punchy punchy in the crowd, there's still 20 minutes to go fucking fuck fuckkkk.

Back to ringside and Taker does a throat thrust and decks HBK before bringing out a chair. HHH manages to kick Taker and take the chair but Taker does a big boot. Taker uses the chair to send HHH out again and hits him with it. THAT gets a "holy shit" chant??? Now to the table. Remember the table? Taker has to boot HBK off the apron but that allows HHH to escape a table bump. Taker teases his big tope but HHH counters with a chair. Kane comes into the picture, threatens both of DX, and takes a Sweet Chin Music and a HHH elbow through the table. HHH tries to go from up top with a chair but eats a chokeslam. Tombstone hit but HHH kicks out dear God why. Taker even does that face from the HBK Tombstone kickout. So much empty nostalgia.

Taker BUMPS THE REF because that's what this match needs (apart from a way to end it as soon as possible). He wants HBK to watch as he... slowly stomps HHH then uses the chair. Then waits a minute, then uses the chair again. He wraps the chair around HHH's neck which leads to HBK begging for mercy... then going in for the attack like a DICK. Thankfully Taker decks him again. HHH gets a spinebuster. He's selling his cock for some reason. He counters a chokeslam and hits the Pedigree. A second ref counts but Taker kicks out. HHH now wraps the chair round Taker's neck and stomps it off the second rope. That should win it but Kane pulls the second ref away. HBK pulls out HHH's trademark sledgehammer and he uses it to smash Taker's chair into his face. Drapes the arm, there's once again no ref.

HHH is about to do something but Taker - sloppily as always in his later matches - puts on Hell's Gate. This time HHH holds the sledgehammer across Taker's throat. Both men are now just lying down. LOOOOONG double down. HBK has the sledgehammer. Kane comes in to save but HBK kicks him in the nuts. Taker removes HBK from the ring again and gets the sledgehammer. Pedigree teased, back body drop, weak-looking chokeslam with no elevation. Tombstone tease but HBK comes outtanowhere with Sweet Chin Music. Tombstone teased to HBK but HHH uses the sledgehammer. Sweet Chin Music, Pedigree, DONE. IT'S FINALLY DONE. Post-match there's a big legends "respect" spot but Taker and Kane attack DX and celebrate together. Crown Jewel looms.

Last Time Ever should have been at Mania 28. As it stands this is just two old men trying and failing to play the hits. The overbooking and weapons did nothing to enhance the match and it just turned into a 30-minute slog. A harrowing experience.