Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #906
Big Daddy Voodoo vs. Ryota Hama
AJPW Cross Over - July 2, 2010​

Next up we've got a match I was only recently introduced to, and it's the return of another legend of bad wrestling. Time for SPHERE FIGHT as broken-down old Viscera takes on ex-sumo guy Hama! It can't be good, right? It just can't.

Hama comes out to this disco version of Darth Vader's theme which is awesome. SPHERE SHOVING MATCH until Vis manages to down Hama with a shoulderblock. Elbow drop is missed though and Hama leg drops the arm. Hama shoves Vis TO THE OUTSIDE and an already-gassed-looking Vis gently drags him out before whipping him into the rail. Vis slaps Hama on the blubber and stands on him a bit. Back in the ring Vis does some forearm clubs until Hama does a comeback spot... that's immediately cut off by a Whirlwind of Love. Or rather, a stiff breeze of love, because there's no motion in it at all. It gets two after a delayed pin.

Vis hits a low-elevation dropkick for two. Into the corner Hama strolls so they can do corner spots. He dodges a body avalanche and hits one of his own. Then he gives Vis a STINKFACE! There's zero impact in either guy's forearms. DDT and elbow drop by Hama for two. He then does a running splash, and clearly the fall isn't being broken by hands or anything. It's fat on fat. Another body avalanche, then Vis counters with what allegedly is a wheel kick, but really it just looks like he trips over. Vis then does what I think is some sort of senton but he just tumbles over Hama's body for two Another body avalanche, then Vis goes to the top for a splash for the three. Again, no fall-breaking there, just the splatter of two wobbly spheres impacting. And that's the finish.

Exactly what I expected from this matchup. Both guys were dead on their feet within a minute and thus couldn't make anything look good.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #907
Sting vs. Abyss
Last Rites Match
TNA Destination X - March 11, 2007​

Holy SHIT I have been waiting FOREVER to do this one. As I was grinding through all the WCW brawls on the outside I was constantly thinking "I can't wait to do the Last Rites match". Which is more excitement than the Last Rites match ever drew at the time, I guess. The backstory here is that Sting had revealed some sort of Lore about Abyss' parentage and an atrocity he did when he was younger. Because he wasn't enough of a Kane ripoff at the time, right? So Sting plans on literally killing the big man, which he revealed in vignettes about choosing life or death. I was going to adapt that one speech from Trainspotting but I can't be assed. What is a Last Rites match? It's a casket match, but... just you wait and see.

There's candelabras on the ring posts. Notably no casket yet, though. We start with a brawl on the outside, which isn't unexpected. Sting gets the early edge and starts bashing Abyss into stuff, but misses a Stinger Splash against the guardrail. There's headstones next to the ring and chains all about. Abyss gets a chair but only uses it once in favour of a walk-and-brawl. We're into the ring and then it becomes a regular match. Sting gets a boot up in the corner. He does some stuff, Abyss tries a slam, but Sting converts into a Scorpion Death Drop. It would appear the casket is above the ring.

Sting does Stinger Splashes but Abyss absolutely smashes a candelabra against his face on the last one, busting Sting open. And Sting's opened a gusher already! Now is the time for Abyss to call down the casket... or rather, the DEATH BED! And it comes down slowly but surely with mood lighting, a smoke machine, and the sound of... well, a loud "Fire Russo" chant. It's really interesting, because the crowd was on board with this match before, but the mood lighting and smoke lost them. Abyss puts Sting into the casket but Sting blocks him from shutting the door and fights out. He soon gets downed with a big boot.

Out goes Abyss to pick up one of the headstones, and he's pantomiming like that thing is really heavy. You know, like a headstone should be. Sting is full crimson mask right now. Abyss is about to shove him into the stone but Sting puts on a Scorpion Deathlock. And Abyss taps, despite it not being a submission match. Sting then uses a chair, then picks up the stone like it's a lightweight model of a headstone that came out of a Spirit Halloween. Which it is. "Boring" chants. He uses his bat to smash the stone into Abyss' face. Sting tries to lean his entire body on the casket lid so Abyss can't escape. However, Abyss does just that, and chokeslams him on to the casket. "TNA" chants. Guess that's all it takes to win the crowd back.

Sting's lying dead on the casket lid as Abyss sets up two chairs and another stone. He tries to superplex Sting into the stack o' stuff, but Sting fights off, pulls out another candelabra, and smashes it over Abyss' head to send him into the stone. Sting puts Abyss into the DEATH BED and shuts the smashed lid. It rises back to the ceiling as Sting drops off it, sending Abyss to the ceiling and his "death". So this wrote him off, right? No, that didn't happen until Lockdown.

Very silly, and very stupid, but honestly not really deserving of a "worst of all time" ranking.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #908
Christy Hemme vs. The Big Fat Oily Guy
Tuxedo Match
TNA Against All Odds - February 11, 2007​

Let's stick to 2007, and a match I've mentioned in this thread before! I believe it was the Trish vs. Christy match from Mania 21 where I made passing reference to this. This was part of the really uncomfortably misogynist angle where Christy was looking for respect and every single man in her way was humiliating and demeaning her at every turn. As BABYFACES. This is babyface authority figure Jim Cornette giving Christy a PPV match where she can be abused further. By some dude who's playing a parody of that horror of then-current WWE, Big Dick Johnson. MINUS 3 stars says Dave. I don't doubt that.

Guy does a lamer version of the Big Dick Johnson getup, but Christy jumps her early and takes of Guy's jacket. She misses a corner charge and Guy takes off her jacket. Christy mounts Guy for the catfight and takes off his shirt. She then tries to crossbody a larger man, then monkey flip him, but Guy outdoes and de-trousers her. She does a nut shot which he no-sells. Struggling to keep his own trousers up, he slams Christy and goes for a splash but Christy rolls away. Christy does another nut shot and tries to sunset flip a larger man, and Guy puts her on a Trip to the Batcave. "That was like bad porn", to quote Don West. Christy eventually kicks up with a THIRD nutshot and de-trousers Guy to reveal a red thong. One that is soon on full display next to a sign that says "WE ARE WRESTLING".

Billy Gunn shows up, threatens to reveal his Mr. Ass, then de-shirts Christy. As a babyface. 2007, remember, was the year when TNA's Knockouts Division began, and yet in one match they showed how little they'd thought of women by the beginning of the year.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #909
Dustin Diamond vs. Tiny the Timekeeper
Boxing Match
NWA-TNA PPV #13 - September 18, 2002​

That wasn't the only match the big fat guy had in TNA. His first was under a different name, where he faced off against a guy I'm reliably informed is known as Screech from Saved By the Bell. I don't know what Saved By the Bell is other than it's a TV show, and I don't know why he'd be called Screech. All I know is that this guy is a pseudo-celebrity who appeared in TNA.

Let's start with the segment where Screech gets interviewed. Apparently he showed up in Celebrity Boxing recently. He puts over the locker room, and says he'd only get in the wrestling ring with some training. He says he could take JB. JB, like a coward, recommends Don West, who recommends Tiny the Timekeeper. That's how we get there. Two interviews with the Hot Shots and Glenn Gilbertti later, we've got ourselves a match. During the glove touch Screech shoves Tiny like a HEEL. Don West rings the bell and knocks it over. Screech is showing no respect, punching up the fat fuck and taking him out with a haymaker. Screech's music starts mid-count, which shows how much competition there was here.

Really not a match, but still stupid.

 

[Chris]

Screech was just his name on saved by the bell but if I remember correct, he had done the celebrity boxing show at the time (which was a terrible failure) so they were playing up that

 

[Samoa Looch]

And don't forget that he became a Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling alumni too

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #910
Hayabusa vs. H
Anus Explosion Deathmatch
FMW Making of a New Legend IV - October 29, 1999​

This is one of those stipulations you see mentioned everywhere when lazy Internet hacks want to do a "10 WACKIEST wrestling stipulations" list. "Did you know they had an ANUS EXPLOSION DEATHMATCH??" and then they know nothing about it other than that it happened. And they've never watched it. Well, lucky me, now I get to watch it, and you get to watch it too.

A little housekeeping in advance. H is the actual Hayabusa, who had recently unmasked and retired the persona. The "Hayabusa" in this match is Mr. Gannosuke in a Hayabusa mask, who was going through a serious identity crisis on whether he was the actual Hayabusa. (I suppose the Avatar gimmick in WWF was based on reality, in that case.) He filmed a real porn video in the mask, as Hayabusa. The result is this match, based around the act of shoving a firework up your opponent's backside and igniting it. Allegedly this was based on a hazing ritual done to trainees at the FMW dojo. Late, entertainment-mode FMW was weird. Let's see this.

H grabs a FUCKING MIC and hypes up the crowd with a firework in his hand, then promos on Hayabusa. We kick off with a bit of a brawl and Hayabusa hits a dropkick. Sadly every release I can find of this is clipped so we don't see the clearly-scintillating brawling that caused Hayabusa to be sent TO THE OUTSIDE. We do get to see H hit a plancha on him. H shoves Hayabusa into some chairs, then walks him around some more. I'm guessing there's a lot of nothing in between these clips, because the next we see Hayabusa has the edge and he dropkicks H in the back. He picks up and tosses a chair on him, then shoves the ref. Apparently this is Falls Count Anywhere, because Hayabusa gets two with a knee on the neck. Hayabusa tries to whip H into a barricade but H jumps on the barricade and hits a crossbody.

We're into the ring, where H misses a springboard forearm but hits a dropkick and headscissors. H misses a corner charge, flips over (a little sloppy) then eats a German suplex. H counters with a dragon suplex, then has Hayabusa on the ropes and we're off to the outside again! Hayabusa starts tossing chairs, then exposes the wooden floor and powerbombs H on it. Out comes a pair of handcuffs, but Hayabusa doesn't use them until he's brought H into the ring and hit another powerbomb. Hayabusa handcuffs H to the ring post, and now he's got a firework and a lighter. Ref doesn't like that so he shoves him again. The firework goes into H's anus, gets lit, and explodes in there while he literally sells his ass off. That's it... wait, it's a no contest? Why is it called the Anus Explosion Deathmatch if the anus explosion isn't part of the finish?

Mostly just confusing. A non-awful but nondescript No DQ affair which wouldn't be significant if it weren't for the pyrotechnic in H's bottom.

 

[Rosie]

This is...

A match type.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #911
Tara vs. Cody Deaner
MMA Rules Match
TNA Impact - September 10, 2009​

Folks, it's time to celebrate. After over a year, we've got our 1000th unique wrestler to appear! Step forward, Cody Deaner. It wasn't your choice to be such a milestone... but it was the PEOPLE'S CHOICE. This is part of Deaner's King of the Knockouts gimmick, where he scored the pin to gain the Knockouts Title on ODB's behalf, but then argued this made him the champ of women's wrestling. TNA thought he had a point and held up the title. And now he's doing intergender matches. Except no he isn't, because Spike doesn't like men hurting women. So this'll just be a farce.

Tara's idea of MMA gear is street clothes with grappling gloves. Deaner goes for Zubaz and duct tape. He does a Bob Backlund knee strut and starts kicking wildly at nothing. By the way, the Motor City Machine Guns are on guest commentary and riffing on this all the way. Deaner offers Tara a free hit, which she gladly takes. Deaner misses his return fire and starts getting wrecked. Deaner can't make contact and Tara does a double leg takedown. CRANE STANCE by Deaner, but Tara kicks his legs out and smashes him in the head with another kick. Armbar by Tara and Deaner needs a rope break. Tara dodges a charge and Deaner BUMPS THE REF because of course. Tara pounds away but out comes Awesome Kong to further the Kong/Tara feud with an Implant Buster, and Deaner wakes up enough to pick up the scraps and win by KO.

Pointless silly nonsense. As fake martial artists go, Deaner is no Eric Bischoff.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #912
Mascarita Dorada/Octagoncito vs. Tigresa Caliente/Pequeno Halloween
Lucha Libre USA: Masked Warriors - October 8, 2011​

Here's a somewhat lesser-known but still infamous one, because this is a match that produced one of the best Bryan and Vinny rants (the best ones are when they're not on Current Promotion Bad like the TNA rants). It's also our first and probably last visit to Lucha Libre USA, the show that was on MTV for a while. We get this weird combo of three minis and Rhaka Khan. What is Rhaka Khan doing facing minis? Only the Lucha USA bookers know this. Only they know, by the way, why this was filmed in December 2010 and never saw air until October 2011.

You can tell Dorada and Octa are both tecnicos because they get ring girls leading them out. We kick off with Octa vs. Halloween but Tigresa tags in and... crawls about around Octa and sniffing him?? She shoves Octa, they play a little keep-away, then she shoves him again. After a bit of scurrying about Tigresa slaps Octa multiple times, as hard as she possibly can. They do awkward facsimiles of the standard mini vs. big spots (running through the legs, you know) and Octa slaps her on the ass. Then Tigresa kicks Octa's heart out of his chest. I exaggerate, but it was really quite hard. Tigresa misses with a clothesline and demonstrates that she has no idea how to take a tijeras.

Halloween charges in to attack but Octa trips him so he dropkicks Tigresa by mistake. Dorada comes in and then we get an actual mini lucha sequence, with Halloween countering a tijeras. Dorada does a handspring back elbow then TILT A WHIRLS to fuck. He's so awesome. Sadly in comes Tigresa who absolutely stiffs Dorada on a lariat. She then picks up Dorada and cradles him like a tiny little baby man. This lets Dorada slip off and sunset flip her. Tigresa misses a corner charge and Dorada manages to lift her up on his shoulders for what is basically a mini Wasteland.

Now it's Halloween and Octagon, so it's actual wrestling again. Spinning Samoan drop by Halloween, then he goes up top for a split-leg corkscrew moonsault. Octa armdrags Halloween and sends him outside. In comes Tigresa to basically stamp on Octa's ribs over and over. And there's no restraint, she's really stomping. And then she's choking him. Outside are Lizmark Jr. and a painter for no reason. Tigresa does a knee drop, no protection or mitigation, just a knee to this little guy's chest. REBY SKY(!!) comes out to squabble with Tigresa, and gets her shirt torn off (of course). Halloween protects her modesty and Dorada sends him out with a tijeras and springboard splash. Reby shoves Tigresa so Octa can roll her up for the three.

I'm just bewildered that anyone had the brass neck to call this lucha. Rhaka Khan was out of her depth and decided to make that the minis' problem. By basically murdering them. It's annoying because when Halloween was in it was actually good!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #913
Shinya Hashimoto vs. Bill Kazmaier
NJPW Super Warriors in Tokyo Dome - January 4, 1992​

So, how about that Wrestle Kingdom? You should probably be aware of the date of NJPW's biggest event of the year, given I've been promoting it as the deadline for predictions. So to celebrate an event that's both the 19th Wrestle Kingdom and the 34th consecutive NJPW event on the 4th day of January at the Tokyo Dome, let's look at a couple of matches from the one that started it all! The 1992 Tokyo Dome show also served as the second WCW/NJPW Supershow, so naturally there were matches involving WCW stars all over the card. This, funnily enough, is the only one of those cross-promotion matches that never made it to the American PPV broadcast! Shinya Hashimoto is forced to carry immobile strongman Kazmaier in what seems by consensus to be the January 4 series' first ever dud, with an impressive 1.75/10 on Cagematch!

Less a clash of styles here, more a clash of body types. Start off with feeling-out and lock-up until Kazmaier shoves Hashimoto. And then a deadlift powerslam. Hash tries to kick Kaz's legs out but Kaz stands firm and tanks it all. Kaz throws a right and Hash does the weirdest fucking sell you'll see in a Tokyo Dome show, he doubles over a bit then does a flat back bump without Kaz touching him any further. The Dome is an anechoic chamber of silence as Hash rests on the outside. Kaz does some cornered punches. Hash reverses an Irish whip but Kaz reverses the reverse by being STRONG and dragging Hash back to the corner again. Actual good spot.

"YEAH YEAH" says Kaz, clearly proud of his forearm clubs. Camera pretty much misses Hash's entire comeback, including an elbow drop, because it goes to a wide shot for no reason. Exchange of strikes... I think. When the camera comes back, Kaz is working Hash's arm over the rope, and almost but not quite ROPE CHOKING. He does a back body drop then a backbreaker. Or rather, he does a back body drop, then 20 seconds of lumbering about, then a backbreaker. Really sloppy power slam by Kaz for two.

ON GOES THE BEARHUG because a chinlock isn't 1970's enough. Hash fights out with palms but ends up in the Torture Rack. Obviously that's not the finish because Luger isn't doing it. Kaz does it again but Hash fights out and sweeps the leg a couple of times. Kaz isn't selling much because he has no idea too. Has does an arm takedown, then some totally ignored headbutts, then a wheel kick that Kaz just lets bounce off him. So Hash has to do the spot again so Kaz remembers to fucking sell it. He's hunched over, prime for Hash to hit a DDT and call this sad affair off. Kaz doesn't stay down for long and gets some kicks in because HEEL.

Yeah, utter trash, and all of that is on Kazmaier. He could do less than nothing.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #914
Big Van Vader vs. El Gigante
NJPW Super Warriors in Tokyo Dome - January 4, 1992​

And right after that came the Tokyo Dome shows' second dud! And if you're thinking it can't be that bad, come onnnnn. It's El Gigante. How can it not suck? He's up against Vader in a super-heavyweight battle. More like a super-awful heavyweight battle.

Big staredown, lock-up, big threatening posedown, lock-up. Gigante tries to slam Vader but nothing doing there. So you get the other big man spot: clash of shoulderblocks! They're getting Liger of all people to guest commentate this. Gigante does some terrible lookng forearms so Vader shows him how it's done. Body avalanche by Vader. He then puts on a waistlock, but Gigante has no idea how to sell losing the strength in his body so he just trudges about a bit then flops. Vader puts in the boots, an elbow drop, and a splash for two. Vader smacks about Gigante in the corner but Gigante gets a boot up and does more shitty strikes. Then the BRAIN CLAW!! Vader moves back to get to the ropes. Gigante does a clothesline, then a shoulderblock that causes Vader to spontaneously stumble back and over the ropes. They brawl on the ramp for a double count-out. Post-match Vader uses his special entrance mask to blow smoke in Gigante's face. The brawl continues.

Another NJPW match that blew! And once again, it's down to a powerhouse coming from WCW without the slightest idea of how to work.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #910
Hayabusa vs. H
Anus Explosion Deathmatch
FMW Making of a New Legend IV - October 29, 1999​

This is one of those stipulations you see mentioned everywhere when lazy Internet hacks want to do a "10 WACKIEST wrestling stipulations" list. "Did you know they had an ANUS EXPLOSION DEATHMATCH??" and then they know nothing about it other than that it happened. And they've never watched it. Well, lucky me, now I get to watch it, and you get to watch it too.

A little housekeeping in advance. H is the actual Hayabusa, who had recently unmasked and retired the persona. The "Hayabusa" in this match is Mr. Gannosuke in a Hayabusa mask, who was going through a serious identity crisis on whether he was the actual Hayabusa. (I suppose the Avatar gimmick in WWF was based on reality, in that case.) He filmed a real porn video in the mask, as Hayabusa. The result is this match, based around the act of shoving a firework up your opponent's backside and igniting it. Allegedly this was based on a hazing ritual done to trainees at the FMW dojo. Late, entertainment-mode FMW was weird. Let's see this.

H grabs a FUCKING MIC and hypes up the crowd with a firework in his hand, then promos on Hayabusa. We kick off with a bit of a brawl and Hayabusa hits a dropkick. Sadly every release I can find of this is clipped so we don't see the clearly-scintillating brawling that caused Hayabusa to be sent TO THE OUTSIDE. We do get to see H hit a plancha on him. H shoves Hayabusa into some chairs, then walks him around some more. I'm guessing there's a lot of nothing in between these clips, because the next we see Hayabusa has the edge and he dropkicks H in the back. He picks up and tosses a chair on him, then shoves the ref. Apparently this is Falls Count Anywhere, because Hayabusa gets two with a knee on the neck. Hayabusa tries to whip H into a barricade but H jumps on the barricade and hits a crossbody.

We're into the ring, where H misses a springboard forearm but hits a dropkick and headscissors. H misses a corner charge, flips over (a little sloppy) then eats a German suplex. H counters with a dragon suplex, then has Hayabusa on the ropes and we're off to the outside again! Hayabusa starts tossing chairs, then exposes the wooden floor and powerbombs H on it. Out comes a pair of handcuffs, but Hayabusa doesn't use them until he's brought H into the ring and hit another powerbomb. Hayabusa handcuffs H to the ring post, and now he's got a firework and a lighter. Ref doesn't like that so he shoves him again. The firework goes into H's anus, gets lit, and explodes in there while he literally sells his ass off. That's it... wait, it's a no contest? Why is it called the Anus Explosion Deathmatch if the anus explosion isn't part of the finish?

Mostly just confusing. A non-awful but nondescript No DQ affair which wouldn't be significant if it weren't for the pyrotechnic in H's bottom.

Did it look something like this?

Also, did the two competitors have to eat at Taco Bell before the show?