Entry #700
Triple H (c) vs. Roman Reigns
for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
WWE WrestleMania 32 - April 3, 2016
After an incredible waste of time involving the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, the Rock, and the Wyatt Family's ritual humiliation at Mania, we get the main event. Match 700 in this thread. The champion no one wanted to see vs. the challenger everyone wanted to go away. And since it's a Mania match for Triple H, it's going to go twice as long as it should and feature half the action it should. I've been dreading this one. Let's endure it.
Of course, there's the overblown intro that just screams "PLEASE BOO TRIPLE H AND CHEER ROMAN". The dudes with metal plates on their faces. The evil choral music. Stephanie McMahon dressed up like a witch on a raised throne. Her evil speech about how you fucking suck and how she is EEEEEVIL (INDEEEEEED). Champ out first, by the way. It's honestly a very standard Triple H entrance aside from that, and even gets a few cheers. Meanwhile, Roman gets ridiculous pyro and a wall of boos that can only come from go-away heat.
We start with, as you'd expect, a staredown. HHH gets a headlock, a hammerlock, and then Roman shoulderblocks HHH down. HHH hip tosses Roman out because he's probably gassed already. "Roman sucks" chants. Long arm wringer by HHH. After Roman breaks out he mocks the DX crotch chop. "He's not a bad guy, he's not a good guy, he's THE guy" -JBL. So that's where that dogshit catchphrase came from. Allow me to muse a little on Roman's catchphrases during this lockup sequence. "Believe that"? Good catchphrase. "I can, I will" would fit an actual top babyface type as opposed to someone like Roman. But "I'm THE guy"? Awful. Totally awful.
Anyway, HHH tricks Roman into running into the corner and hits some forearms to the back of the neck. He then punches the reconstructed nose (like Seth's reconstructed knee, except lame). Roman comes back, and the reaction is absolute night and day. Silence when HHH is in control, REVULSION when Roman is in control. Roman gets his shots in and drapes HHH over the ropes for Drive-By, which only gets 1. Steph distracts the ref allowing HHH to hit a low blow. Although, with the camera angle, the kick visibly only hits Roman's shin. This still gets cheers and "Triple H" chants.
Time for HHH heat, I guess. A series of inverted atomic nutshots gets two. He targets the Surgically Repaired Nose. Roman still sucks according to the crowd. Roman tries a Superman Punch setup but turns into a spinebuster. It's funny, commentary talked about HHH being most dangerous when it turns into a wrestling match, but HHH is mostly just punching. TO THE OUTSIDE for bashes against the German announce table. Then Roman starts to do some bashes against the table but HHH tosses him over it into the announcers. Roman climbs up on the table but HHH hits a neckbreaker on it right on to the floor. That's a gnarly spot I can't bring myself to care about.
As Roman tries to climb back into the ring, HHH hits a top rope knee drop for two. Again... I'm thrown out of liking this because fuck this whole match. He drapes Roman on the ropes and goes for it again but Roman hits an uppercut. Roman's really not good enough at this time, and it's visible. His offence just looks wrong. Samoan drop gets two. No Superman Punch because HHH rolls out. So Roman comes off the steps to hit HHH with a clothesline. As always, imagine 20 seconds in between every move I mention. HHH tossed into the steps. They roll around the ring post (Corbin-style) then HHH puts Roman into the steps. Then into the German table again. Fucking hell, they're already retreading spots.
Designated Mania Moment #1 happens out of nowhere, where Roman spears HHH through the barricade. Remember when they didn't do that literally every time there was a big man brawl? They land next to two empty seats (even the front row people are beating the traffic) and in a scattered pile of Shane money from earlier. Roman drags HHH back into the ring so this doesn't end in a lame count-out. Roman's hurt, and Steph seems convinced that he wants to forfeit.
HHH locks the arm that apparently got damaged during all that tossing-into-stuff earlier, but Roman gets a rope break. HHH then drags Roman back and locks both arms. (Somewhere, a young Deonna Purrazzo isn't watching because this match put her to sleep. Actually, now that I look at it, I'm surprised I haven't done that "somewhere a young X watches and learns" line for a while.) Roman eventually powers out of the right arm, but the left arm is still locked in an armbar... Roman lifts out and hits a powerbomb for two. This doesn't break the hold, though, and he has to lift for another powerbomb. Double down!
OOH AHH, Roman tries a spear... HHH knees him. HHH teases a Pedigree but Roman backdrops him out. Roman goes for a Superman Punch to the apron but HHH bops him in the bad nose. Spear but Steph drags the ref out the ring to a shockingly big pop. Steph Karens it up with the ref, Roman's about to spear HHH again...
ROMAN SPEARS STEPH! Designated Mania Moment #2! For the first time something Roman does gets a pop. In the distraction HHH hits a Pedigree for a very close two. Long long climb-back-up segment. HHH does a kneeling facebuster but Roman no-sells! Superman Punch, Roman preps a spear but HHH hits a knee. Steph passes HHH his sledgehammer from under the ring. Roman hits two Superman Punches in a row, ducks a sledgehammer shot, and hits a spear to FINALLY finish it.
A 28-minute crowning, that was. Its result was never in doubt if you've got even one brain cell, and yet they decided to labour it for 28 minutes. All to crown the champion that no one wanted. So unbearably boring.
