Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Death By Looch]

Worse, it felt like it was trying to sell you to watch the TV shows instead of the other way around like it should have been lol

...or that yea. That hits the nail on its head it even better.

 

[Storm Trooper]

X-Pac kept going because of the whole DX thing probably. But yeah if he was truly injured having 3 matches is kinda weird.

This is also why doing the entire tournament on one show is a bad idea, as you need to do 7 matches on one card. If they were dead set on Senor Butt win they should have had him beat (and kayfabe injure) Pac in round 1 to build more heat on him, beat a random dude in in round 2, and Dogg in Round 3 in an implosion of the Outlaws.

 

[Chris]

Yeah just doing semis and finals on the show is my preference but I'm okay with just finals if they're big enough too. The one night tournament works better for TV bc there's not the expectation of each match to be a certain quality

 

[Sky]

Entry #674
Kane vs. Gene Snitsky
Chain Match
WWE Taboo Tuesday - October 19, 2004​

Taboo Tuesday... the weirdest WWE show. Not even because an online fan vote decided certain stipulations. It's because it was on a Tuesday of all the days. Didn't WWE learn from that flop show in 1991? Anyway, the vote for this one was to decide which weapon would be involved in Kane vs. Snitsky, and a chain beat a chair and a lead pipe. So we've got a chain match here! You happy? I hope you are! Because we're about to endure 15 minutes of slow slugging with the slight involvement of a chain. Also, this is part of when Kane was suddenly a face because Snitsky caused the miscarriage of his rape-baby with his forced-marriage wife Lita. 2004 was a bad year.

Lita comes down to ringside in the midst of Kane's entrance. Staredown, then they tug-of-war for the chain. Kane tosses the chain out and starts brawling, dominating Snitsky. He seems to be going for a chokeslam but Snitsky rolls out. Now Kane wants the chain, but he misses a swing with it. Snitsky starts punching until Kane gets a throat thrust and clotheslines him with the chain. He wraps the chain around his fist, but a chain-assisted punch is only the second thing he tries with it. The first is a chain-assisted FACE BASH. To the outside, Snitsky uses the chain to drag Kane into the post. Back in the ring, Snitsky uses the chain in various ways. Including, of course, choking!

This is just generic WWE big vs. big for a while, including boot choking. JR has never seen anyone overpower Kane like this before, proving that he's never watched a Kane/Big Show match. Unless he means "as boringly as this"... wait no, Kane/Big Show matches do achieve that. Snitsky does some elbow drops, not even with the chain, just regular elbow drops. He then does a clothesline for two. Finally he remembers the chain exists and uses it to whip and choke again. Kane finally starts to fight out and blocks a chain punch, but Snitsky gets two with a sidewalk slam... Kane sits up! Double big boot spot, and at least this time they do it while facing hard cam so it doesn't look botched.

Lita removes the chain from the ring to stop Snitsky using it. Chokeslam attempt but Snitsky fights out. Kane gets the chain but Snitsky uses the steel steps. He then grabs a chair, as if that had been the fan vote, and uses it in full view of the ref. Isn't it supposed to be only one weapon legal? Shouldn't Snitsky be DQ'd? Snitsky uses the chair to attack Kane's neck, then retrieves the chain to choke him with it. He wraps the steel chair around Kane's neck too, and Pillmanizes him with a second rope stomp! Kane's coughing up blood as the ref calls for medical attention, and Snitsky leaves... but then he remembers the match isn't finished and pins Kane for the three. Kane's stretchered off but Snitsky attacks him again because he is More Evil than a demonic rapist.

About what I expected - boring ass generic brawling - with a weird finish on top of it. I'll be coming back to this show eventually, I guarantee it. It's the show that had such delights as... a Divas Battle Royal where women go through the ropes but this time in schoolgirl outfits! Eric Bischoff vs. Eugene! Diva Search finalists Christy and Carmella in a LINGERIE PILLOW FIGHT! See, 2004 was a really bad year.

 

[Sky]

Entry #675
Kane vs. The Great Khali
WWE WrestleMania 23 - April 1, 2007​

Next up on our mini-Kane-a-thon, we have Kane vs. Khali! This is a match that never worked, and yet was defecated on to our screens time after time. It's already stunk up this thread, in the form of their match at SummerSlam '09. But now we have the original. Their match from Mania 23. Their first ever televised singles match together. How bad can it be? Very!

JR says that Khali can't be knocked off his feet, but neglects to mention that it's because his shitty knees won't let him get back up again. Khali shoves Kane off a lock-up and starts to dominate. Even when Kane gets offence Khali doesn't really sell. He even shakes his head after hitting a shoulderblock. He tosses Kane out off an Irish whip reverse, but then Kane does the neck snap over the ropes. Kane tries some sort of forearm, clothesline hybrid but it doesn't faze Khali at all, who pretty much rips Kane's head off with his own clothesline. To the mat for the DEADLY NERVE PINCH!! It's been a long time since I saw one of those in this thread. Kane fights up but he's still being dominated.

Time for some Corner Stuff by Khali, including a corner choke! Kane recovers with some really shitty flailing rights, then gets a cornered clothesline. He goes up top for the Bundy Killer (I'll force this if it's the last thing I do) but... uhh, something happens. Kane seems entirely to miss Khali, who does his best impression of being staggered back. It looks awful. The Andre rope-tie spot is next. Kane goes under the ring and pulls out a chained MEAT HOOK because Remember See No Evil? You Should Buy The DVD Of See No Evil. He leaves it on the rope though.

Khali uses the devastating brain chop and rips a turnbuckle to shreds. While the ref is cleaning up turnbuckle fuzz, Kane uses the chain to crotch Khali, then SLAMS THE 1200 POUND INDIAN GIANT for two. He's got to go for the chokeslam, but Khali tries a chokeslam of its own. I wish the laws of physics had broken down in this very moment so they could chokeslam each other at the same time. Would have meant something impressive happened in this match. But no, Punjabi Plunge and it's over, the New Giant beats the Old Giant. With a boot on the chest as well. Gotta get him over huge. Even though he sucks. Post-match Khali chokes Kane with the meat hook chain.

Holy fuck, how do you see that and decide "that's a match I want to do again!"? Dire, dire stuff.

 

[Sky]

Entry #676
Kane vs. The Great Khali vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Daddy V
Monster Mash Battle Royal
WWE ECW - October 30, 2007​

I was going to move on to the other Kane/Khali PPV singles match, but then I remembered this match also features Kane! What says ECW like a spoopy Halloween-themed four-man battle royal featuring four slow, lumbering big men? Nothing, that's what! Let's see why we hate it.

They made it even SPOOPIER by going to the nearest Spirit Halloween and decorating the entrance way with the cheapest stuff they could find. WCW Halloween Havoc this isn't. Hell, WrestleZone Halloween Hijinx this isn't (especially because it doesn't involve Eugene!). Khali gets a jobber entrance. Mark Henry's trying to look angry but instead seems sullen and remorseful.

All the big lads see Kane as a threat because he's got working legs. The truce is broken when Henry and Viscera get into an immobile fat dude slap fight. They clash with each other then go down to a double clothesline. Now it's Kane with Khali, and Kane can't chokeslam Khali, eating a big boot. Henry nearly gets Khali up with an Angle Slam. Kane does some of his worst ever throat thrusts on Viscera. Henry and Viscera put together overpower Kane. Whirlwind of Love attempted... by Kane, because Viscera doesn't even bother going down. The match devolves into an absolutely ass pair of Cornered Stuffs, until Vis leaves Kane and splashes into both Henry and Khali. Kane ducks a Vis clothesline and dumps him out.

Khali applies the brain vise to both Kane and Henry, and then they get together to clothesline him out. Colossal staredown, then a BIG slugfest. Kane hits a cornered clothesline (I've said the word "clothesline" too often this match) then tries to lift Henry out but he just can't. Kane fends off Henry and goes up top (maybe he was going for the Bundy Killer, which is, may I remind you, a flying CLOTHESLINE). Henry catches him and belly-to-belly tosses him out. The biggest monster in ECW is a Strong Dude. Who is, as it happens, on SmackDown. As are Kane and Khali. Is this the worst era of ECW, where the brand was just "SmackDown guys that weren't booked"? Probably.

Anyway, it's about what you'd expect with an over-the-top challenge involving these four guys.

 

[Sky]

Entry #677
Kane vs. The Great Khali
Singapore Cane Match
WWE Breaking Point - September 13, 2009​

And yet, after copious evidence of Kane vs. Khali being horrible, they revived this feud in 2009. They had an awful SummerSlam match and now they're having an awful Breaking Point match! The gimmick of Breaking Point was submissions, and this show was in Montreal. In case you wondering, yes, they did do yet another Screwjob in the main event because originality is dead. That wasn't the Dave-certified minus 1 star match on the show, though. This is! Kane vs. Khali, with kendo sticks legal!

There's containers of canes all over the ring posts, which is pretty cool I guess. Kane goes for one but Khali neutralises him with shitty forearm clubs and his hand slap. Both men have canes and Todd Grisham makes a baseball reference that I don't get. They do a bit of a lightsaber duel until Khali stumbles on top of Kane. TO THE OUTSIDE and Kane clips Khali's non-existent knee to open him up for a caning. Back in the ring we're treated to a rare sight. Khali extended selling! Kane just beats on him, taking out the leg again. Sliding dropkick by Kane gets two.

Kane then works Khali's arm. "Boring" chants are speaking my language. Khali suddenly stops selling and starts cracking away with cane shots that look and sound nasty. Brain chop for two. Brain vise is on but Kane uses a cane and wildly swings backwards. Top rope cane strike by Kane, but still only two. Ranjin Singh comes in with a cane of his own but gets choked. He turns right into a brain chop from Khali. Khaki's checking on his handler/"brother" but gets his neck snapped across the rope. Chokeslam, done.

Really quite dull, as I'd expected.

 

[Sky]

Entry #678
Kane (c) vs. The Undertaker
Buried Alive Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
WWE Bragging Rights - October 24, 2010​

And we conclude our Kane-ological recap with this match, another Taker/Kane plodfest to finish it off. Actually, Bragging Rights '10 was an absolute turd of a show, even not considering this. It does have one good match (and a really good one at that), but helpfully they put it as the opener so you can just switch off right after Bryan vs. Ziggler. The rest? Mediocre at best, trash at worst (this). Let's drag ourselves through this.

Taker Entrance Watch: 3 minutes, 28 seconds, which suggests he's trying to drag this out. Which is completely at odds with in-character Taker, who cuts off Kane's entrance at 23 seconds to meet him in the aisle. Time for first name Walk, last name Brawl. (Middle name And.) I think I can also consider it WCW-style BOTO, because there's multiple bashing-against-the-furniture spots. On to the steel steps, and then back into the ring so Taker can do corner charges. Taker sends Kane over the guardrail (passing Green Shirt and Frank the Clown in the process) and they go into the crowd. They wander past a bunch of desks with monitors, then Taker punches and stomps Kane on some stairs. Walk-and-brawl back to the monitor desks.

Back to ringside where Taker's tossing chairs into the ring. He drapes Kane's neck over the apron to do his leg drop. Taker's about to use one of the chairs but Kane rolls out. Out to the crowd again. Taker does some punches and Michael Cole unleashes the Best Pure Striker line (you're lucky Ernest "The Cat" Miller never had an extended WWE career, Taker). They do nothing else in the crowd before wandering back. Now in the ring again, Kane finally gets offence by using a steel chair. Hits him some, chokes him, hits him some more. Yawn. Chokeslam hit, wait for Taker to get up, then another. This has gone 10 minutes so far by my reckoning. It feels three times as much.

Now, time to drag this fight to the grave. Taker drops off Kane's shoulders and now they're exchanging throat thrusts. They're inching closer and closer to the grave. As, coincidentally, am I while watching this. Eventually they make it there and Taker's about to give the chokeslam but Kane tosses dirt in Taker's eyes. Double down just beside the grave. Kane tries to roll Taker into it but Taker sits up and slaps on Hell's Gate and yeah. I think Hell's Gate is cool. It's just that the preceding millennium of this match has been anything but. Kane's rolled into the grave and now Taker has to fill it in. He wastes time mashing Paul Bearer's face in dirt (oh yeah, Paul Bearer is here too) before...

OH WAIT the Nexus are here for some fucking reason. He fights them off, goes for a chokeslam, but gets overwhelmed. This lets Kane climb out of the grave. He bashes Taker with the Urn, sending him into the grave, before tossing it in with him. The Nexus bury Taker, then Kane uses his fire powers to call down an excavator to finish it, and that's it, that's the match. Then Taker's symbol rises from the grave because He's Totally Not Dead, After All What Would We Push For Mania 27? The next RAW Wade Barrett would say he had reasons for attacking Taker but never elaborate, so this was the setup for a storyline that never happened.

I'm so tired. So tired of it. This match, much like the horrid Taker/Sid and Luger/Yokozuna, gets nowhere near enough hate. Why did they go into the crowd to just do nothing? Why did they just waste time for 15 minutes? Why set up a Taker/Nexus storyline that you'll never pay off? I never want to think about a Taker/Kane match again. But, of course, inevitably I will see another Taker/Kane match. I dread that day.

 

[Chris]

This feud was so bad, on paper it should have been good even if the matches weren't, they even brought back Paul Bearer.

People point to PG limiting them, but PG does not require you to be so stupid, it requires you to maybe just be more basic lmao

 

[Sky]

This feud was so bad, on paper it should have been good even if the matches weren't, they even brought back Paul Bearer.

People point to PG limiting them, but PG does not require you to be so stupid, it requires you to maybe just be more basic lmao

Speaking of stupid finishes I've still got to watch their match at Hell in a Cell a month earlier fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

 

[Chris]

Speaking of stupid finishes I've still got to watch their match at Hell in a Cell a month earlier fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

That one was even worse. And then the edge feud after at least had better matches but it had some of the worst SmackDown segments of the era and they spanned entire shows

 

[Sky]

Entry #679
"Macho King" Randy Savage/Queen Sherri vs. Dusty Rhodes/Sapphire
WWF from Dayton, Ohio - June 25, 1990​

I'm doing this one just because I had it as a "continue watching" on the Network. I don't remember what exactly spurred me to watch a mixed tag involving Sapphire, but it can't have been good. This is one of those matches that didn't make it to any of the shows, not even Prime Time Wrestling, but instead ended up a home video exclusive on the Hottest Matches cassette. Which just so happens to be on the Network. And that's awesome.

Brother Love comes out beforehand to announce the Macho King and Queen on Mike McGuirk's behalf. Sherri is absolutely not dressed to wrestle. Elizabeth joins the two faces, with golden ribbons in her hair. Savage is scared of Dusty so he goes outside just to say "OOH YEAH". Dusty also grabs a mic and threatens Brother Love, so the heels hold him back. This, by the way, is all during belltime. The match started right after Dusty entered.

We start off proper with Sapphire and Sherri, and Sapphire starts by taking off Sherri's shoes. Sherri misses a corner charge but then starts breaking out knees. They do the worst "run them into your partner's boot" spot I've ever seen. Order breaks down for long enough for Dusty to come in and start tearing at Sherri's clothes. Sapphire does a DDT and tags in to Dusty who sexually harasses Sherri some more. Savage continues being a coward. Finally in the ring, Dusty starts breaking out Bionic Elbows until Brother Love provides a distraction. Savage goes to challenge Sapphire while Love stomps Dusty on the outside. Double axe handle for two.

Then the deadly sleeper hold. Sherri tries to gather support for Savage, to zero success. Arm-drop routine but Dusty's living and gets out after about a minute. Dusty counters another double axe handle and hits a Bionic Elbow, but Brother Love puts Savage's foot on the rope. A chase after Brother Love puts Savage back in control but he misses a body guillotine. Dusty's got Brother Love in his sights but Sherri cuts him off. Sherri holds back Dusty for Love but You Know This Spot. Savage gets into it with Brother Love for hurting his Queen, which lets Dusty attack. Now a sleeper by Dusty. In the midst of a bit of confusion. Brother Love CLIMBS THE TOP ROPE and hits Dusty with Sherri's loaded handbag.

Double down, Savage crawls over but only gets two. Sherri attacks a ref so Sapphire does her special attack... the WASTELAND! More chaos happens, Savage knees Brother Love by mistake. Sherri now has the handbag but Liz comes in and nails her with it, letting Sapphire get the win.

Not in the slightest idea what this was meant to be. Entertainment? Comedy? It doesn't provide either. It was about a minute of wrestling with Savage and Dusty, wrapped in 10 minutes of uncontrolled chaos. Crowd liked it, but the crowds in these days liked the Bushwhackers so fuck 'em.

 

[Sky]

Entry #680
Kane (c) vs. The Undertaker
Hell in a Cell Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
WWE Hell in a Cell - October 3, 2010​

Got nothing better to do. Might as well waste my life with ANOTHER slow, boring Taker/Kane match with a shit finish. Small correction to my post about the Bragging Rights match: this wasn't even the previous month. We're still in October. It's just three weeks before. Amazing levels of oversaturation there. Also, a small thing I noticed: thanks to a recent change in the WWE Network's UI, we now have confirmation that the Hell in a Cell PPV is officially retired. Nice. Now do Extreme Rules.

Champ out first. Taker's Entrance Watch: 3 minutes, 14 seconds, and it would have been so much longer had Kane not jumped him at ringside. They haven't even locked the Cell door, and they start outside. When they get inside, it's just the same old shit. Bashing into the cage wall. Kane does it, then Taker does it. Taker uses a chair and bashes Kane into the steps. Finally in the ring, Taker does corner splashes and Snake Eyes. Leg drop for two. Kane counters a chokeslam attempt, uses the chair and then does shoulder bashes. TO THE OUTSIDE where Taker takes a bit of control. And by taking control I mean he SLAMS KANE'S FACE INTO THINGS! It's like WCW 2000 never died.

Eventually Kane reverses a whip and Taker goes into the steps. Kane grabs a chair and starts to attack Taker's knee. Not just with the chair, but with the post and the steps. Rather than, you know, a wrestling hold. I wouldn't expect a wrestling hold from a Kane match (except that one time) but they're not even trying. Crowd wakes up eventually to cheer on Taker. Or is that a piped-in chant? Kane misses a splash to the Cell wall. This lets Taker get control with some punches, then a kick while Kane is draped on the apron. He manages to do the apron leg drop, even on the bad leg. Kane gets a low dropkick, then controls the leg for a solid minute plus. Be careful what you wish for, I guess. At some point during this, the back of Kane's head got cut open.

After Taker gets to his feet, we get yay-boo punches. Taker ducks a clothesline and hits his own. He tries to go Old School but Kane crotches him on the corner. He then hits a throat thrust which Michael Cole pops huge for, but no one else reacts. Big superplex by Kane, followed by a flying... something? It looked like a flying nothing but Taker sold it and Kane didn't. Kane goes for a cover but is put in Hell's Gate! Kane goes outside the ropes to break the hold. Once Kane's back in, double big boot and double down. The Kevin Dunn camera cuts stop me from seeing if they botched it. Double sit-up, because that's a good spot to do in a Taker/Kane match.

Yay-boo punches again, up from the knees. Taker does his DDT for two, and then the chokeslam for two. He looks to be trying for a Last Ride but Kane fights out by hitting the leg. Kane's chokeslam for a close two. Kane does some Corner Stuff and tries mounted punches, which sets him right up for the Last Ride. Taker's trying the Tombstone, but his knee buckles and Kane flips into a Tombstone of his own! That's a pretty nice spot but it only gets two. He's angushed at it not being three, so he throat thrusts to BUMP THE REF BECAUSE OF COURSE. Let the shenanigans begin!

A bunch of staff come in to help the bumped ref, which allows Paul Bearer to slip inside. Bearer tries to wake Taker but Kane stalks him all around and into the ring. "You should have stayed buried", said Kane. He was in cement, so that would have been the easier option. Taker sits up from behind and gets a chokeslam. Tombstone time... weird thunder effects start going off. Commentary acts like this is completely normal and just happens during every Tombstone. Bearer opens the urn and shines a... light? in Taker's face?? He hands Kane the urn to blast Taker with it. One chokeslam later, Kane wins and retains.

Boring ass brawling for 20 minutes and then a stupid finish. I know kayfabe is dead, but how does that make any sense in the context of wrestling as a universe? Does everyone just get special effects every time they do their finish now? Also the fans barely saw the urn light because it wasn't bright enough. What crap this was.

 

[Sky]

Entry #681
Kane vs. Big Show
WWE Monday Night RAW - May 8, 2006​

"That one time" Kane decided to do wrestling holds... it's this match. A match that takes place against the backdrop of the May 19 thing, where they were trying to hard sell Kane's shitty horror movie. And they chose to sell it with a mat wrestling match between Kane and Big Show. This can't go well. Let's watch.

You know Show's the face because he's unnaturally smiling. Kane won't accept a handshake, but will take a fist bump. Code of Honour! Sort of. Exchange of waistlocks and Show tries a front chancery. Kane gets a headlock, and the OVW Rope Running Thing ends in a clash, and then Big Show does a DROP TOE HOLD! He does the "fancy footwork" taunt. TEST OF STRENGTH where Show overwhelms Kane, Kane fights back, but takes a FIREMAN'S CARRY TAKEOVER! Show ROLLS OUT OF A HAMMERLOCK!! And trips Kane for two! An exchange of hammerlocks. This is like watching a Japanese match, except slower and with 300 extra pounds.

Another drop toe hold, and then more hammerlocks. The crowd is too confused to even get a "boring" chant started properly. Show goes for a corner charge but Kane trips him. To the top rope goes Kane, presumably to hit a Blockbuster or something, but the lights turn red and the May 19 voice comes back. This makes Kane go mental and hit Show with a chair for the DQ. Kane walks off as there's 500 pounds of injured giant on the mat.

Honestly, you have to see this match. It's obviously not good, but it's so bizarre to see Kane and Show doing actual wrestling moves.

 

[Chris]

Big show was at his worst shape then too