Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Samoa Looch]

I like to imagine that Kane was just so agitated about that date, because he knew See No Evil would blow chunks...

Also, I hope you have something especially spooky planned for Entry #666, Sky...

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #665
Jim Ross/Jerry Lawler vs. Al Snow/Jonathan Coachman
Winners Become RAW's Commentary Team
WWE Unforgiven - September 21, 2003​

Oh wow, this event was 21 years ago tomorrow. It'll be able to get drunk in every state. Which would explain why this match exists. To be fair, Lawler and Snow are both trained wrestlers but... JR in the ring? Really??? Also feuds between commentators never work. Let's see the damage.

JR and King reveal that they don't know who's going to commentate this match. As it turns out, it's no one at all. Lawler shoves Snow into Coach and gets a couple of near falls. They keep exchanging pins. JR calls the ref out on his relaxed interpretation of the rules. Fist drop by Lawler gets two. Snow brawls and hits an elbow. He's doing the most basic stuff you could think of, including a seated stretch into a headlock. The commentary isn't there to hide the apathetic crowd. Snow hits a back body drop, Coach encourages him to try another, but Lawler counters with a Memphis-style piledriver. Delayed pin by Lawler, and Snow gets his foot on the rope.

Tag in to Coach, which even Snow is apprehensive about. Coach goes for pins a couple of times. He sets up for a Bronco Buster but Lawler dodges and makes Coach split his anus open (not really, but I can never forget when X-Pac did that). Strap is down for Lawler, who gets punches, a slam, and the fist drop. Snow has to make the save to break the pin. Crowd wants JR, and they get him; his first act is to hoof Snow in his snowballs. He hits a clothesline to the back and puts the boots in, exposing why he is a commentator and not a wrestler. Ref's distracted by a Lawler/Snow brawl on the outside. Coachman doesn't want it in the face. Suddenly Chris Jericho shows up out of nowhere, dropkicks JR in the back, and stacks Coach on top for the win. Jericho explains he got JR removed from commentary to get at Austin. Somehow.

Anyway, a complete non-wrestler match. JR and Coach just cannot work, so of course they are involved in the finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #666
The Undertaker vs. Kane
for the vacant WWF Championship
WWF Judgment Day: In Your House - October 18, 1998​

Happy entry #666, everybody! And I couldn't do it without a tribute to the Devil's Favourite Demon! Because if you want matches whose highest possible level is mediocrity, it's Gotta Be Kane! The next few matches you see from this thread will be Kane matches. This main event, for example, from Judgment Day 1998, earned a MINUS 1.5 STAR rating from the ever-infallible Dave. Taker and Kane double pinned Steve Austin, so they've got a match for the vacant title with Austin as the special guest referee... and he'll be fired if he doesn't do it legit. So far, so very Attitude Era. How could it go wrong? Let's find out.

Kane comes out through a corridor of fire which is an awesome entrance. Taker Entrance Watch: a relatively brisk 2 minutes, 22 seconds. Top billing goes, of course to Austin as ref. He doesn't bother with ref stripes, and flips both guys off. Taker gets all punchy-punchy for the start before wringing the arm and going Old School early. Kane fights off a corner charge and unleashes throat thrusts and a powerslam, but Taker sits up. Taker hits a clothesline, Austin slides in for the count and... just doesn't slap the mat. Taker corners Austin, so Kane can do something to him that the camera misses. Austin counts fast. Clearly he's got a bit of a preference. Maybe he just likes red.

TO THE OUTSIDE we go for that good old one-strike-per-10-seconds BOTO. Austin offers Taker the option of choking Kane with those cables that are for some reason always around at every turn-of-the-millennium wrestling event. Taker chooses to get a chair instead, but misses. Then it's the same punching and bashing into things, but with Kane in control. Such variety. Back in the ring Kane no-sells a kick but takes a suplex. They keep spamming the sit-up. Kane apparently tries to do a blocked-powerslam thing but it just looks like they're hugging each other. "You fucked up" chants for that. Taker floats over another slam attempt, which I guess was the intended spot.

Now Taker's working Kane's leg. Through legitimate means (a kneebar) and less legitimate (slamming his leg against the apron). Taker maintains another kneebar until Kane fights out with his good leg, getting the sidewalk slam and elbow. Taker ducks a big boot and chops out the leg again. He's got the leg locked, in some hold or another, for a minute and a half before dropping it on the rope. Kane tries to fight out but is cornered. He's in a Tree of Woe and Austin is asking Kane if he gives up. Oh yeah, this was the time when Kane couldn't speak. Lawler describes this as "methodical" which, I guess, is nicer than "slow" or "boring". One of which is the word a few guys in the crowd are using.

Taker applies a CORNER CHOKE and then is pissed that Austin didn't consider Kane to have submitted. Kane catches Taker's corner splash and hits a spinebuster. Jumping clothesline but Kane can't capitalise because of the knee. SO MUCH CORNERED SCRAPPING. Kane whips Taker into Austin... then gives Austin a chokeslam! Both men are beating on Austin! Yes, it's a ref bump! A ref bump featuring the toughest motherfucker in the Federation!

Now without a ref, Taker sweeps Kane's knee again, but Kane reverses and hits a clean chokeslam (despite the leg... JR tries to sell it as him not getting all of it but he absolutely did). Out comes Paul Bearer with a steel chair to hit Taker with... but instead he clocks Kane in the back! He's with Taker now, and it's Ministry time. Taker smashes Kane on the head with the chair, has him pinned... Austin isn't counting. He gives Taker a stunner and a chair shot, then counts both men down. After three. It's called a "standing ten" for a reason, Austin. He declares himself the winner, then wanders around the arena for a while to find Vince. Vince is behind the tron, and fires Austin. Aw, baby's first "you're fired". You love to see it.

Anyway, a horribly dull match without a finish that basically says "fuck you" to people who bought this show. FUCK YOU. BUY SURVIVOR SERIES. WATCH THE DEADLY GAME.

 

[Tyronesaurus24]

I think that first WrestleMania XIV showdown is genuinely the only good match Undertaker and Kane ever had. Painfully boring every other time.

Thankfully that finish results in Russo's masterpiece a month later so eh.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #667
X-Pac vs. Hardcore Holly
King of the Ring 1999 First Round Match
WWF King of the Ring - June 27, 1999​

Today's spectacle shall be the 1999 King of the Ring! I was going to do just Kane's matches from it, in keeping with the recent Kane theme, but checking my backlog I noticed I had the ENTIRE TOURNAMENT written down there. So, fuck it! The entirety of the worst King of the Ring tournament (even including the one that Mabel won). This first match on the show earned a DUD from Dave, so let's see if it earns one from me.

X-Pac got legit injured on the house show before this tournament which is a good start. His entrance gimmick is so fucking distracting. He's selling his neck pretty early, so naturally, Holly starts using moves that target the head and neck. OVW Rope Thing turns into a hip toss by X-Pac. He misses the Bronco Buster but doesn't tear his anus. Instead Holly works a headlock, then eats a second rope crossbody for two. One-handed powerbomb by Holly. Then he starts clubbing away at the neck and using a ROPE CHOKE! X-Pac is scrapping back with a back suplex and a spin kick. "Head and shoulders, and we're not talking about shampoo" -JR, remembering that LEGENDARY moment last year. Bronco Buster landed, so Holly says fuck it, grabs a chair, and clatters X-Pac to lose by DQ. He attacks the neck until Road Dogg makes the save.

Not a DUD but a match that never got going before it just ended. The logic in giving the injured guy a win when he wasn't winning the tournament is also questionable.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #668
Kane vs. Big Show
King of the Ring 1999 First Round Match
WWF King of the Ring - June 27, 1999​

Next up we've got our first Kane match of this tournament! This is a weirdly face vs. face matchup between two giants I associate much more with being effective heels. It got MINUS 1 Dave star, so let's see if it earns that.

There's a sign saying "Master P = bankruptcy" which really helps place this show in time. I really need to look into No Limit Soldiers matches. In this match we're promised the rare sight of Kane being tossed around. We do get that, but we also get Show doing various cornered stuff. Show misses a corner splash and Kane starts to corner him, choking him a bit before being tossed off. Show's elbow drop gets two. Kane hits an enzuigiri which you never usually see. Both men go for big boots at the same time, miss, then just topple over. Kane rolls out and Show tries to do the forearm clubs, but Kane snaps Show's neck across the ropes. The Bundy Killer (I want to make that name for Taker/Kane's top rope clothesline a thing) off the top rope gets two.

Kane's bringing a grounded choke. There's very nearly a ref bump off a Big Show jawbreaker, which makes it feel weirder when Show ACTUALLY bumps the ref off a big boot. Kane kicks Show in his nuts, then Hardcore Holly comes in with a chair and gets chokeslammed. Show gets up and wanders around the ring with turnbuckle bashes. Kane teases a Chokeslam on Show but doesn't deliver, just going for an extended (and I do mean EXTENDED) standing choke. Show breaks it with a clubbing blow, but eats a chair shot to the head as the ref finally wakes up for the three.

I'm sure this finish made sense to Vince Russo's cocaine-addled mind, but nah. Tease an actual memorable spot, give us a boring rest hold as the finish. I'm sure Holly and Big Show had some sort of storyline, but I don't care. Guess Kane's heel now... wait, no, he teams back up with Taker and is face again before turning heel again. And we thought Big Show was the regular turner.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #669
Mr. Ass vs. Ken Shamrock
King of the Ring 1999 First Round Match
WWF King of the Ring - June 27, 1999​

How fortuitous that we get a MR. ASS match on a 69. He's an ass man, and he's facing off against Ken Shamrock, who suffered Mysterious Internal Injuries during an angle on Heat. However, Shamrock is refusing medical attention, and the match is on. Pre-match Papa Posterior cuts a really flat-sounding promo (god, Lance Storm emoted more) goading Shamrock and saying he's "going over". And already I hate this match because Russo worked shoots are worst worked shoots. Shamrock attacks medical staff and comes out for the match, despite bleeding from his mouth due to his Mysterious Internal Injuries.

Apparently the location of the Mysterious Internal Injuries is the midsection, as that's what Gunn is attacking. He attacks it in the corner. Shamrock gets a kick, but tries to crossbody a (slightly) larger man and eats a backbreaker. Gunn keeps going for attacks to the midsection. Even as Shamrock gets an ankle lock Gunn fights out. TO THE OUTSIDE as Shamrock's just rolling around. Snake Eyes on to the barricade. Shamrock tries to roll into an ankle lock again but it comes to nothing. Gunn misses a diving splash and Shamrock tries to do some jumping stuff, but can never capitalise because he's vaguely hurting. He tries a headscissors, Gunn counters into a powerbomb, and referee Teddy Long calls the match as Shamrock can't continue.

Really quite flat. You don't watch a Ken Shamrock match just to see him rolling around and selling for three minutes and then lose.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #670
Road Dogg vs. Chyna
King of the Ring 1999 First Round Match
WWF King of the Ring - June 27, 1999​

Chyna's basically a Vince Russo wet dream, though not in that way. She satisfies his constant need of "Wouldn't it be TOTALLY WACKY if a woman won a men's title?!" that he's tried to satisfy in WWF and WCW. Or maybe he just wants to see men hurt women. Whatever it is, he's got issues. This is the longest and best-rated of the tournament matches, though that isn't much. Let's see how it is to watch in 2024.

The thing about how this match starts is Chyna is overpowering Dogg. She gets a lot of shine early. After a back elbow there's a bit of a staredown. Dogg gets a headlock before Chyna breaks out and gets an elbow smash. Dogg breaks out of a Chyna headlock with forearms but gets snipped by another elbow. Now it's time for that standard part of a late 1990s match: Corner Stuff! Chyna whips Dogg into the corner and goes for a high-five with HHH on the outside. Corner charges by Chyna, but Dogg reverses a whip and sends Chyna to the floor with the Sgt. Slaughter bump. Dogg pursues Chyna to the outside but HHH gets in his face so Chyna can shove her into the ring post. A bit of HHH/Dogg BOTO while Chyna's distracting the ref.

Now, time for more Chyna heat! Dogg's selling those elbows well. Chyna even breaks out some Flair chops. Dogg gets a gut shot but it doesn't stop Chyna hitting a DDT for two. A few more shots and then Chyna does Dogg's signature taunt and knee drop. Something that's bothering me: in the ring they really aren't making Dogg look weak, or acting like he'd be any less taking the loss, so why is commentary obsessing over the idea of Dogg looking weak if he loses? Dogg loudly calls "SLEEPER" to tell Chyna to do one, so she does. And my problem with sleeper spots is they always go the same way. A minute if you're lucky, or more if you're not, and then the person in the sleeper fights out. I've not seen a sleeper finish a match in American wrestling.

But yeah, Dogg fights out. He puts on a sleeper of his own, and we get the arm-drop routine, but HHH puts Chyna's foot on the rope so it's not finished. Dogg challenges HHH and gets rolled up by Chyna. His kick-out bumps the ref because of coooooourse. HHH uses a chain to KO Dogg and lets the bumped ref crawl over, but it's a delayed pin so Road Dogg survives. Out comes Shawn Michaels because the DX Civil War is obviously more important than Dogg's comeback. REVERSE BODY GUILLOTINE and the knee drop. HBK stops HHH from interfering and sends him to the back. Dogg crotch-chops, Chyna goes for a shot to the Dogg's Bollocks, but hurts her arm! He's wearing what appears to be a titanium cup, from how Chyna sells it. Pumphandle slam, and that's it.

I feel bad including this one in the thread at all, so I guess that's the sign of a green match! It was, let's get the elephant out of the room, overly long. But it made sense, they didn't do the tired intergender match tropes, and the finish was over huge. We've peaked... which means the only way is down, with Kane vs. Billy Gunn!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #671
Mr. Ass vs. Kane
King of the Ring 1999 Semi-Final Match
WWF King of the Ring - June 27, 1999​

Mr. Ass has reached a semi! And he's got to face a big red bastard! This "earned" only half a star from Dave. I'm not ready for the miserable brawling that will ensue.

This is technically heel/heel because this was planned by a guy who thinks wrestling fans don't like face/heel anymore. An idiot, that is. Anyway., Gunn does punches, and Kane does throat thrusts. Nobody cares. TO THE OUTSIDE where Kane takes Gunn from behind. Kane grabs the steps but Gunn dropkicks them into Kane's big red face. This is full BOTO with Gunn smashing Kane's face into stuff and Kane's throat thrusts. Back in the ring, Gunn's using chokes in the corner and then on the ground. Gunn teases the Fameasser but Kane slams him and does his comeback. He dropkicks Gunn off the apron. Now Gunn goes for a chair and Big Show comes out! Show takes the chair off Gunn but hits Kane by... mistake? Gunn's through. Kane sits up and goes to the back, presumably to fight Show.

I'm just bewildered. The dullest WCW-ass walk-and-brawl on the outside, then a sports "entertainment" finish. And the crowd could not care less about any of it. Shite.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #672
Road Dogg vs. X-Pac
King of the Ring 1999 Semi-Final Match
WWF King of the Ring - June 27, 1999​

Okay, with that out of the way, now we go into our second semi, with the still-injured X-Pac. I see no way up for this one.

Road Dogg steals Kevin Kelly's mic so he can do his entrance again. A bit of a feeling-out to start. They do basic stuff until X-Pac flips out of a hold and does a back suplex. Leg drop for two. As X-Pac puts on a chinlock, there is a giant sign saying, spelling and capitalisation unchanged: "I aM a MiKdunals imploiee of da Munth". Well, that's North Carolina for you. Dogg does his hip-swinging punches and knee drop. Cornered Stuff and ROPE CHOKING, but no body guillotine because X-Pac gets a kick off. X-Pac misses the Bronco Buster, Dogg teases the pumphandle slam, but X-Pac slips out and the X-Factor outtanowhere finishes it.

If this was the limit of what X-Pac would do why keep him in the final? Very basic and just ended from nothing.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #672
Road Dogg vs. X-Pac
King of the Ring 1999 Semi-Final Match
WWF King of the Ring - June 27, 1999​

Okay, with that out of the way, now we go into our second semi, with the still-injured X-Pac. I see no way up for this one.

Road Dogg steals Kevin Kelly's mic so he can do his entrance again. A bit of a feeling-out to start. They do basic stuff until X-Pac flips out of a hold and does a back suplex. Leg drop for two. As X-Pac puts on a chinlock, there is a giant sign saying, spelling and capitalisation unchanged: "I aM a MiKdunals imploiee of da Munth". Well, that's North Carolina for you. Dogg does his hip-swinging punches and knee drop. Cornered Stuff and ROPE CHOKING, but no body guillotine because X-Pac gets a kick off. X-Pac misses the Bronco Buster, Dogg teases the pumphandle slam, but X-Pac slips out and the X-Factor outtanowhere finishes it.

If this was the limit of what X-Pac would do why keep him in the final? Very basic and just ended from nothing.

"Hey, I'm hurt."

But we need you to wrestle three matches in a night."

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #673
Mr. Ass vs. X-Pac
King of the Ring 1999 Final Match
WWF King of the Ring - June 27, 1999​

And with that, after an AGGRESSIVELY mid Taker vs. Rock title match, we get to the finale, the big one to decide the Kong of the Rong. If I sound unenthused, there's probably a reason for that. It's the fact that X-Pac is injured and Mr. Ass has a terminal case of Being Billy Gunn. Let's get through it.

Billy Bum starts stomping on the neck, naturally. Gunn hits a high elevation corner splash but X-Pac dodges the second one. Gunn gets sent to the outside and takes a pretty cool plancha. And then back in the ring, crossbody for two. Gunn hits a bulldog for another two. After more shots to the neck Gunn uses a gorilla press, then applies a FRONT FACELOCK. "SHUT UP" yells Gunn, as if the crowd is booing him, or indeed saying anything, rather than sitting on their hands. Fameasser hit but Gunn doesn't get all of the cover and no three-count. Gunn arges with the ref so X-Pac can hit the X-Factor! Thanks to the neck, he can't capitalise though. Bronco Buster successful. Gunn catches him into a neckbreaker and goes up top but X-Pac crotches him. X-Pac tries to mount the top but is shoved off and eats a top-rope Fameasser. ALL HAIL KING ASS!

I think I can say with confidence that that was the worst King of the Ring overall. Devoid of any sort of pomp and circumstance, with all the matches except one being rushed. Everything that had potential was thrown away with legit and kayfabe injuries. It was a dumb decision to have X-Pac go to the final. And it was a dumb decision that could have been avoided. Original plan was apparently for Big Show to win, but some merch with him as winner apparently got out, so they changed the tournament to give the wrong winner. And it was an awful winner. Billy Gunn was not meant to be elevated. The night after he won Rock buried him on the mic, created "it doesn't matter" as a catchphrase, and that was it.

 

[Chris]

As much as I still personally like 1999 WWF, it was one of the worst years of PPV. The TV was good, arguably as compelling as it ever was, but they almost never delivered anything worth actually paying for. It feels like I waste money on Peacock if I watch them nowadays

 

[Samoa Looch]

As much as I still personally like 1999 WWF, it was one of the worst years of PPV. The TV was good, arguably as compelling as it ever was, but they almost never delivered anything worth actually paying for. It feels like I waste money on Peacock if I watch them nowadays

Yea... they were so focused on TV ratings, that pretty much all PPVs felt mostly *just* like TV shows too.

 

[Chris]

Yea... they were so focused on TV ratings, that pretty much all PPVs felt mostly *just* like TV shows too.

Worse, it felt like it was trying to sell you to watch the TV shows instead of the other way around like it should have been lol