Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #657
Kevin Sullivan vs. Brian Pillman
I Respect You Strap Match
WCW SuperBrawl VI - February 11, 1996​

This is a Dave-certified DUD from just after that match, featuring one of the more infamous moments in WCW history (not including the years 1999-2001). The Horsemen and the Dungeon of Doom were united in their cause of Ending Hulkamania, but the Taskmaster didn't like Pillman for some reason. This match ensued!

Pillman starts all intense, whipping Sullivan with the strap before it's even attached. Sullivan punches Pillman hard in the jaw and they're just brawling like maniacs. Then all of a sudden... Pillman takes the mic, says "I RESPECT YOU, BOOKERMAN!" and fucks off. He's just lost the match, sort of? This was apparently part of a worked shoot angle, where Pillman would get legitimately released to sell the Loose Cannon thing. Totally just that. Not so he could get signed to the WWF as soon as he could and make Bischoff look like a fool.

Anyway, no match.

 

[Sky]

Entry #658
Kevin Sullivan vs. Arn Anderson
I Respect You Strap Match
WCW SuperBrawl VI - February 11, 1996​

Immediately after that match, Arn Anderson comes out in street clothes, looking sufficiently like he's been told to Improvise Something as part of the prior worked shoot. So this is the match. I don't think this was rated separately by Dave but everything else lists this separately. And therefore this is also counted as a DUD.

Arn really knows how to work a match like this. All punches and stomps, and tying Sullivan in the strap. Sullivan responds with an eye poke and a strap to the nuts. Now Sullivan gets some standard Strap Heat, with whipping, until Anderson knees Sullivan in the cock. Anderson hangs Sullivan over the ropes with the strap for a while. Out they go and both of them eat ring post in succession. Now Jimmy Hart has brought Ric Flair out to try and mediate between Sullivan and Anderson, in typical unhinged Flair style... and it works. No finish in this match either!

They expected people to pay for this.

 

[Death By Looch]

Probably one of the biggest, actually interesting and intriguing moments in WCW between Hogan's arrival and the official formation of the nWo. Especially in hindsight.

 

[Sky]

Entry #659
Sting/Lex Luger (c) vs. The Road Warriors
for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
WCW SuperBrawl VI - February 11, 1996​

And now, we come on to this match which you'd expect to be good, but which Dave rated minus 1 star. This is the weird time when Sting was face and Luger was heel but they were still tag team champions. They'd already had a defence earlier in the show, as they faced Harlem Heat and won when one of the Road Warriors attacked the challengers. Can they do a successful double duty?

Luger doesn't want to fight so Sting has to lead him towards the ring at length. This shit is taking forever. It's AMAZING how much time is being wasted. Finally we get going with Sting vs. Hawk, which starts, naturally, with Hawk dominating. Sting has to roll out to rest less than a minute in. He leads Hawk around then tosses him into some furniture. There's a botched neckbreaker where Sting slips out of it, but at least he has the presence of mind not to sell it. Hawk puts on an STF, which somehow looks even worse than Cena's. Sting playing face in peril is weird when the hot tag is to a heel. Animal works the arm.

Luger tags in, but just stands around. He does some turnbuckle bashes but Animal reverses and bashes him instead. Animal starts to dominate and gets a powerslam for two. More armwork. Fans are still dead quiet. Hawk uses a corner splash and tosses Luger out so Animal can engage BOTO Mode. Luger gets some shine but Hawk is badly underselling. Sting puts on a headlock for a bit. He collides with Animal, bounces off the ropes, and falls forward on Animal's balls which is a fun spot. Luger continues to work Animal's genitalia with an inverted atomic drop. Sting gets a bulldog and goes up top but Animal gets the knees up.

Hawk starts dropping body parts on Luger. Chinlock because ughhhhhhhhhh. Then a sleeper but Luger drops out. Animal/Sting now, and Sting hits a Stinger Splash. Scorpion teased to wake up the crowd but Hawk breaks it up. Are they sure we need another control segment? Sting tries to sunset flip a man who isn't larger, but Hawk no-sells anyway. There is a brief roll-up but back to controlling Sting! ANOTHER CHINLOCK! Luger gets a shot in from the outside to stop the rest hold. Animal and Sting both tank suplexes and get back up. Sting starts to get momentum until Animal hits a dropkick. Luger saves Sting from a 2-on-1 then they all brawl to the outside for a double count-out because FUCK YOU BUY UNCENSORED.

I happen to know the runback at Uncensored (with Booker T replacing Luger) goes THIRTY SHITTING MINUTES. And immediately I regret my decision to start this thread.

 

[Chris]

I forgot about that one. The uncensored match has to be better, I think they squirt each other with mustard

 

[Sky]

I forgot about that one. The uncensored match has to be better, I think they squirt each other with mustard

Are you sure you're not misremembering Harlem Heat vs. Nasty Boys from the previous year (the one that goes into the concession stands and the camera misses the finish)

 

[Chris]

Are you sure you're not misremembering Harlem Heat vs. Nasty Boys from the previous year (the one that goes into the concession stands and the camera misses the finish)

I'm 90% sure both tried to be a concession brawl cause they were in Tupelo both years but 10% chance you're right

 

[Sky]

Entry #660
Hulk Hogan vs. The Giant
Steel Cage Match
WCW SuperBrawl VI - February 11, 1996​

I've felt physically awful all day and yet I'm continuing to post bad matches! This is the last defecation from SuperBrawl VI, and once again, I cannot get tired of bashing Hulk Hogan. It's like he's everything wrong with wrestling. It's him vs. fellow regular of this thread Paul Wight in a steel cage. Do you like slamming against the cage wall? I hope so!

Michael Buffer makes it clear that Giant surviving that fall at Halloween Havoc '95 was him LITERALLY coming back from the dead. Hogan's got an eye patch. "Hogan sucks" chants early as he goes for eye rakes, wall-bashes, and then hugs Giant a bit to call a spot. Hogan seems to be trying to do anything except a wrestling move. Face-biting, boot choking, back raking, choking with his shirt. Giant's selling isn't great either. Hogan tries to slam Giant, though, which means he's treated to Giant's delightful offence. Mostly forearm clubs. Giant stomps Hogan's hands and does a TEST OF STRENGTH SPOT. Soon after we get a BEARHUG which Hogan thankfully(?) breaks with a face-bite.

Giant's choking Hogan with the torn-up shirt. Commentary questions Giant's decision to not go for eye rakes, instead sticking to more forearm clubs. Giant struggles to remove Hogan's eye patch so he can hug Hogan and be guided through the match. He slams Hogan but misses an elbow, which lets Hogan mount his comeback. He tries to slam Giant again but gets squished. Giant focuses on stomps and boot chokes for a while before hitting a suplex. Cage door is opened but Hogan grabs Giant's leg. So Giant just keeps going with offence, including a backbreaker which is at least a move. BEARHUG back because it's the 70s again. It lasts about two minutes but feels twice as much.

Hogan recovery time but he's overpowered by Giant again. Chokeslam, but it isn't really delivered properly, which the commentators call out. Hogan Hulks up and Giant decides to stare at him like a deer in the headlights rather than leave through the cage door. Hogan bites, does a million cage bashes, and a weak big boot. He taunts forever before finally slamming Giant. Three leg drops in a row (who said the 2020s was the era of finisher spam, huh?) and Hogan climbs. Except that's not the finish because Giant recovers out of nowhere. They fight on the turnbuckle and Hogan topples Giant over before climbing. He tries to get some time alone in the cage with Sullivan, then 8v1s the ENTIRE DUNGEON. Loch fucking Ness shows up (this was that era) and the Dungeon hold him back so he isn't buried by Hogan too.

It's somehow worse than I thought. It was essentially the same old Hogan match, but the heat segment is from a guy who'd not been wrestling half a year.

 

[Rosie]

Paul both performed better than someone of his size and lack of experience but also was not ready to be in the spot he was.

 

[Death By Looch]

Paul both performed better than someone of his size and lack of experience but also was not ready to be in the spot he was.

Couldn't agree more with this

 

[Sky]

Entry #661
Scott Steiner vs. Test
for Stacy Keibler's Managerial Services
WWE Bad Blood - June 15, 2003​

Bad Blood is one of those classic PPV names that appears far less often than you remember. It's been two PPVs (both of them RAW-exclusives) and an In Your House. All three of those have had a Hell in a Cell match, so I worry that in future it becomes the HiaC PPV by proxy. "Cell match because it's October" was something I thought we'd moved away from. Anyway... the two PPV Cells have two matches that have a certain stink about them (and that's not counting the Redneck Triathlon as a match). Here's one from that show: Steiner vs. Test for control of Stacy.

Stacy gets a better crowd reaction than either man. Test yanks Stacy away from doing the legs thing, so Steiner dives at him. However, he misses by a mile (and there's literally no camera angle that could hide that) and flops on the floor. Test sells anyway. Steiner scrambles over him with forearm clubs, then sends him back to the ring for... more clubs. Elbow and push-ups spot. Test is acting the coward and using Stacy as a human shield, then he gets a cheap shot. He whips Steiner into the steps. "WAIT TILL TONIGHT" -Test is potentially a rapist. He puts on a sleeper. It can't have been two minutes in and they're already doing a sleeper. Fuck.

Steiner breaks Test's momentum by catching his flying nothing and hitting a belly-to-belly. Test tries an OVW Leapfrog, lands his crotch in Steiner's face (like Mr. Anderson would later) but Steiner converts it into what appears to be a Samoan drop. Steiner does cornered stuff, Test fights out and hits the full nelson slam for two. Big boot ducked and Steiner hits a sloppy inverted DDT. Test hits the pumphandle slam for two. Stacy mounts the apron and Test manhandles her. Steiner narrowly avoids hitting Stacy, big boot by Test, but Steiner isn't done. Test goes for a chair and shoves Stacy away. He bounces the chair off the ropes and blasts himself with it. Steiner wins off a flatliner. Stacy finally gets to do the legs thing.

Naturally limited and with a couple of botches but a storyline told pretty well. I thought this would be worse than it is.

 

[Sky]

Entry #662
Eugene vs. Jonathan Coachman
WWE Bad Blood - June 13, 2004​

I really don't think I'll like this one either. Eugene (coming to Aberdeen this October, let's not forget!) facing a non-wrestler who inexplicably wrestled anyway. What was even the story here anyway? Just Coach being a dick? Wouldn't justify a Coach match, especially not against Eugene. Anyway, here's the match.

William Regal is apparently banned from ringside here. Eugene offers a handshake but tricks Coach into a ONE-HANDED TEST OF STRENGTH spot. After a headlock, Eugene rolls himself into a ball and lets Coach roll him around. Coach is very confused until Eugene surprisingly takes him over and gets a near fall. Eugene counters a Coach OVW Rope Running Thing by... kneeling next to him! Then he rides Coach like a pony! Coach's idea of wrestling is a side headlock, as it's about the only move he;s done. Criss-cross spot, and Eugene leaves Coach running to roll out and pet a fan's cuddly toy. This is... actually funny so far??

Eugene swings off the ropes to headbutt Coach in the midsection. ROLLING BODYSCISSORS! And then some JYD-style headbutts! After which he mimics a dog pissing on Coach. Coach calls down backup, which is a woman in a bikini carrying a sheet of cookies. The thing that distracts Eugene is, of course, the cookies. He shares them with the crowd but Coach attacks him. Eugene apparently watched some Wild Samoans tapes because he's no-selling turnbuckle bashes. Both types of atomic drop in a row, then Eugene unleashes the AIRPLANE SPIN! Out comes Garrison Cade to tear up the stuffed toy. Cade holds back Eugene so Coach can hit him but You Know This Spot. Coach is open for a Rock Bottom and People's Elbow to finish!

You know what, green match. Classic wrestling techniques and comedy just naturally mix, and this stage of Eugene was able to showcase those. Even the shenanigans were fine! Early Eugene actually worked.

 

[Chris]

I think the worst part of Eugene was that Dinsmore played the character just well enough that it is hard to hate most of the early run (everything after 2004 is terrible tho)

 

[Sky]

Entry #663
The Ultimate Warrior vs. Nailz
WWF from Springfield, Illinois - October 26, 1992​

Picture the scene. You're a young Springfield, Illinois child attending a WWF TV taping in your town. It's been 5 hours, mostly squashes, but you like Bret Hart and he beat Papa Shango earlier so it's cool. The main event is advertised as a special exhibition between Ric Flair and the Ultimate Warrior. Only one problem: Flair got injured at yesterday's taping and won't make it. So instead you get Warrior against... Nailz. This is a dark match that leaked, I don't know how, but it did leak, and yes, I am doing this because a certain other site covered it yesterday. Got to keep up with the times, right?

Naturally only one camera angle because this match was never meant to air. "We want Flair" chants during Nailz's entrance. Nailz kicks off with... corner choking. Then rope choking. Then more corner choking. And then (in a RADICAL departure from Nailz's usual offence) cornered PUNCHES! Aaaaaaaand then back to corner choking. Warrior rallies, gets the boot up for a Nailz corner charge... clotheslines, shake the ropes, shoulderblock, splash, that's it. I noticed the fans really weren't cheering. Mostly they were leaving early.

You can see why that one didn't make it on to a Coliseum Video release, can't you?

 

[Sky]

Entry #664
Kane vs. Big Show
WWE Backlash - April 30, 2006​

From one entry inspired by another writer to another, I just read @Jarf 's Backlash '06 review and noted he didn't like Kane/Big Show. As it turns out, neither did Meltzer (minus 1 star) nor the Cagematch hivemind (1.44/10). Let's see why.

This is during the time when Kane hated the date May 19. He hated it so much he chokeslammed Lilian Garcia. Show gets the early edge with a gorilla press slam and is gassed after just that. Show does his big slaps. Kane tries to target Show's bruised eye, while Show targes Kane's left arm (his stability arm for the chokeslam). "MAY 19, BITCH!" -some dude in the crowd. Show eats ring post which lets Kane engage stomp mode. Kane's mainly working Show's right arm. He hits a running (well, strolling) clothesline for two. Show gets a slam but Kane dodges the subsequent elbow drop. More arm work but Show headbutts out. He can't chokeslam Kane though because of the arm.

After some more arm work, Kane goes up top but Show catches him and hits a fallaway slam. Show runs into Kane a few times and calls for the chokeslam, but Kane counters into a DDT for two. Two problems with the DDT: it's botched and the camera misses it. Big boot and leg drop from Show (you're not the Showster anymore!). Show hits a powerslam for another two. He starts prepping an eye rake but Kane does an eye poke. As they go to the outside, the lights turn red and the house speaker whispers about May 19 and Kane's past and whatnot. Kane freaks out for a solid 2 minutes until Show grabs a chair and clocks him on the head with it. This ends the weird Spooky Nonsense portion of the match, but it also ends the match altogether. No finish. Crowd is both bewildered and disappointed.

Dull match with a non-finish that serviced a shit storyline.