Entry #639
The 1999 Royal Rumble Match
WWF Royal Rumble - January 24, 1999
And as promised, we're doing this Rumble! It's a "bad Rumble". Is it a "bad" Rumble? (If that doesn't make sense to you, go and read my 1995 Rumble watch.) There's a few numbers fixed in this one: Steve Austin is number 1, Vince is number 2, and Chyna is number 30. Can it still surprise me in a positive way?
Number 1: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin
Number 2: Mr. McMahon
As promised. Of course, Unnaturally Jacked Vince doesn't come out to "No Chance in Hell" yet, because that isn't his theme yet. It is, however, the theme of this show. Austin stomps a mudhole, before slamming Vince and stomping his cock. Austin is almost ready to eliminate Vince but wants to make him suffer first. I'm sure you won't regret that at all, Steve!
Number 3: Golga
Number 4: Droz
Fans are raising the roof to ICP music that we can't hear! Austin beats on Vince more, Golga comes in on the attack, tries to toss Austin out, but gets tossed himself. Both Vince and Austin leave through the ropes, and go out to brawl in the crowd. They're headed to the back, and they leave Droz to stand in the ring like an idiot. Vince leads Austin into the ladies' toilet and the Corporation swarm him, also taking out the roving cameraman sent to keep track of them. Now our ONLY camera shot is Droz standing around like an idiot.
Number 5: Edge
Number 6: Gillberg
Number 7: Steve Blackman
This is a fun matchup you wouldn't expect to see on PPV, power vs. speed. Droz has Edge propped up in the corner until Edge does an eye rake. They're even kind enough to get the staff members to do Gillberg's smoke and sparklers. Edge puts him out right away. Cut back to the ladies', where Austin is knocked out on the floor. Droz has Edge propped in the corner again. Back to Austin, who's doing a stretcher job. Blackman comes in with kicks. Imagine if he'd actually gotten a serious push. "GET OVER HERE" -Droz doing his best Mortal Kombat impersonation. Austin's being strapped up.
Number 8: Dan Severn
Number 9: Tiger Ali Singh
Number 10: The Blue Meanie
FUCK YEAH! Severn is here to do awesome amateur stuff with Blackman, in his sweaty shirt. Austin's being stretchered off and brought to an ambulance towards a Local Medical Facility. Surely that's it for him. Tiger Ali Singh's offence goes unseen because of a shot of Austin's ambulance driving away. Meanie is left to fight Singh in one of the least-drawing matches I could ever think of. Soon it's Meanie/Edge/Droz and Singh goes off to scrap with Severn, who ignores him.
Number 11: Headbanger Mosh Mabel
Number 12: Road Dogg
Guess there's a change of plans here, as Mabel takes out Mosh in the back and steals his number! This is the five seconds or so when Mabel is back but isn't Viscera yet. He's still dominating after he strolls to the ring, eliminating Severn and Blackman first because he hates fun. Singh, Meanie, Droz all gone as Road Dogg makes his entrance. Dogg goes straight for Edge, who skins the cat but is nudged off. Mabel punches up with Road Dogg, but... lights go out! The Ministry shows up, and Mabel's suddenly out of the ring. They brawl to the back... I guess that means he's out? Taker stares at Mabel and he stops fighting back. This, for the record is actually how he becomes Viscera. Road Dogg's now just standing around.
Number 13: Gangrel
Number 14: Kurrgan
Number 15: Al Snow
Gangrel comes in with full-on brawling, which I like a lot better than your standard WWF brawling, but Road Dogg tosses him out right away. Road Dogg is once again standing around. Fans are enjoying Kurrgan's entrance, but we can't hear why. Kurrgan does the "patented" sidewalk slam and a boot choke. Al Snow is out without Head, which is a good job because an inanimate object having THREE entries is too much. Snow and Road Dogg try to double team and eliminate Kurrgan but Snow tips too far and Dogg tips him out. Like an idiot, because that means he's 1-on-1 with Kurrgan.
Number 16: Goldust
Number 17: The Godfather
Goldust tries to set up Shattered Dreams on Dogg but Kurrgan objects to any act of ball-kicking. Kurrgan's hat has now come off. Road Dogg tries to set up Shattered Dreams on Goldust but instead Kurrgan holds Dogg back and Goldust uppercuts him in the penis. Godfather boogies down a bit with the Hoes rather than enter the three-man midcard pile-up, but eventually enters to get Goldust from behind (ooh err missus).
Number 18: Kane
Time for our second "big monster tosses everyone" spot of the night! Kane removes all four midcarders present in quick succession, before clearing out a bunch of men in white coats. He goes over the top rope and eliminates himself to head through the crowd. And now, once again, there's literally no one in the ring!
Number 19: Ken Shamrock
Number 20: Billy Gunn
Number 21: Test
Vince lets us know he's back during Corporation member Shamrock's entrance. Still no Austin, though, and we're treated to 90 seconds of Shamrock standing and doing nothing. Vince joins commentary and gloats about Austin being gone. Gunn's out with one boot on and gets leg-swept by Shamrock. Gunn manages a back suplex, and he almost has Shamrock over the top but his ankle fails him. We cut to the back where the Ministry are continuing to brawl with Mabel and put him in a hearse. He'll re-emerge as Viscera... but here comes an AMBULANCE! And Vince knows exactly what's going on! AUSTIN'S DRIVING IT! He's still alive!
Number 22: Big Boss Man
Number 23: Triple H
Ever notice that Boss Man's music is vaguely like Austin's? So does Austin, making his entrance before Boss Man can. He chases Vince into the ring, where he's set upon by Corporation guys. Shamrock is out! Austin tries to choke Boss Man with a tag rope, but the table is turned. HHH attacks Test and it looks like it could be DX/Austin vs. Corporation, but Gunn attacks Austin because he wants the money. So it's effectively Austin vs. Everyone.
Number 24: Val Venis
Number 25: X-Pac
Shame Shamrock didn't last this long, huh? He and Venis were feuding at the time. Vince says the 100 grand bounty will come out of Shane's trust fund, because you know, he's a piece of shit businessman. Austin, Boss Man, and Test temporarily team to try and eliminate HHH, but fail. X-Pac is apparently the lightest Rumble competitor ever at 210lbs. It really was a land of the giants back then. Austin is out again under the bottom rope, and he comes out to hit a double axe handle to X-Pac. X-Pac kicks him over though.
Number 26: Mark Henry
Number 27: Jeff Jarrett
Number 28: D'Lo Brown
Sexual Chocolate is in! Boss Man holds back Austin so Henry can hit him but You Know This Spot. Jarrett gets in to the Test/X-Pac zone. X Pac levels his own partner HHH with a kick and gives the Bronco Buster to Boss Man. He soon makes the mistake of attacking Jarrett. Someone asks loudly if someone else can hang on. I can't tell who. D'Lo is with the Pretty Mean Sisters, and Michael Cole reminds us of that awful, awful Terri fake pregnancy angle. That also had a miscarriage. I'm not saying Russo has a problem with women... Oh yeah, Test and X-Pac are both gone. Jarrett and Boss Man team up on Austin, then Austin gets to beat on Jarrett until HHH eliminates him.
Number 29: Owen Hart
Number 30: Chyna
Owen teams up with D'Lo to attack Austin! It's a Nation of Domination reunion! Austin goes out through the ropes again to grab a pitcher of water and throw it in Vince's face. Chyna attacks Henry for... bragging about having sex with her, apparently. The Attitude Era maybe wasn't good. Henry's out, but Austin eliminates Chyna. Venis tries to stop HHH eliminating Austin so gets beaten up. Lawler calls a kneeling facebuster as the Pedigree. Venis tries to toss Austin so HHH eliminates him. Stunner for HHH! He's out. D'Lo's applying the hurt to Austin. He does his dropkicks, but the second time, Austin avoids it and does a GROUNDED CHOKE.
Crowd is way quieter than they were at the start of this match. There's a real lull in activity at the end. D'Lo stops Owen from eliminating Boss Man for no good reason. Austin tosses Owen. Boss Man does his slide-under-the-ropes punch, D'Lo hits Lo Down, Boss Man eliminates D'Lo, Austin eliminates Boss Man... he's the only one left but Vince is still in! They're now battling over the announce table, and into the crowd AGAIN! Austin has a chair and cracks Vince right on the head with it. In the ring now, Austin looks down on the fallen Vince, but Vince gets a nut shot! Back up, Stunner! Austin hits a second rope axe handle. Out comes Rock to distract Austin... so Vince dumps Austin out! Vince wins?! Shane and the stooges come out to celebrate with Vinceweisers.
As Rumbles go... INCREDIBLY flat. WWE will chop it up and make it look good on their documentaries, but it really isn't. Too much waiting around, too much nothing going on. Too much midcard while everyone's just wondering where Austin is.
