Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

That feud may have been what made Roman decide he needed a new nickname

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Truly dark times.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #613
Hornswoggle vs. The Swagger Soaring Eagle
WWE SmackDown - December 10, 2010​

Thanks to @Storm Trooper for the recommendation - we're going to look at Hornswoggle! For many years WWE's poster child for non-comedic comedy. This was also the really stupid era of Jack Swagger where he'd been World Champion earlier in the year but they realised nobody cared about him. So they tried to give him a character with the Swagger Soaring Eagle. A guy in a mascot costume. That's going to sell. And it was Chavo Guerrero Jr. under the costume, whose uncle has experience with working under shitty bird costumes!

Swoggle's accompanied by Rosa Mendes. It's as if they don't want us to look at what's going on in the ring. "This is a PG show, he can't flip the bird" -sometimes this era of Michael Cole was good. Eagle thrashes away at Swoggle until Rosa passes him a bag of birdseed. He scatters it everywhere and Eagle gets distracted so Swoggle can get a PUNT TO THE SKULL! He then gets out a bib and seasons and bites the Eagle's leg! Swoggle starts to dominate(???) until Eagle can get a mule kick. Mudhole stomped, and then Eagle does the Ballin' Elbow! Swoggle rolls away, gets a seated senton, and the Tadpole Splash to finish it.

Honestly, if you ignore the fact that this match never had to happen in the first place, it did what it had to do. The Eagle doing the MVP bit popped me. I could call this a green match if it were necessary to humiliate Chavo like this... but it isn't. Chavo deserves better.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #614
The Mini Royal Rumble
WWE Monday Night RAW - January 14, 2008​

Fuck it, more Hornswoggle! This was when Swoggle was Vince's little bastard but he was abusing him. He was slated for the 2008 Royal Rumble but had no Rumble experience, so he was thrown into a MINI ROYAL RUMBLE! With WWE Superstars from the past and present. Let's see how that works for him. It's like a Diva battle royal where you don'r have to go over the top rope.

Number 1: Hornswoggle
Number 2: Mini Mr. Kennedy

First up is a mini version of Mr. Kennedy! He tries to do the mic bit but it's too high for him, he can't reach it. That's a good spot! Shame they have to actually wrestle after this. Mini Kennedy is almost eliminated early but trips Swoggle in the corner and stomps a mudhole.

Number 3: Mini Mankind

The Mankind costume is awful but at least he's got the Hardcore Limp down. Mini Kennedy strikes on the new competitor but Mini Mankind clears out and pulls out MINI MR. SOCKO! Swoggle blocks it and turns Mini Mankind's own weapon on himself to eliminate him.

Number 4: Mini Batista

Nothing like him. He still insists on the pyro. He shakes the ropes, gives an incredibly light-looking "hard shot" and teases a Batista Bomb but Swoggle drops him off. Swoggle comes incredibly close to being eliminated.

Number 5: Mini Kane

Would have worked a lot better if he'd come out masked honestly. Still more convincing than the Mini Batista. Mini throat thrusts for everyone! Mini Batista does an incredibly light spinebuster, then Batista Bombs Kane. Swoggle goes low, eliminates the shitty impostor. Mini Kane can't do the Taker sit-up, but unleashes the mini throat thrusts anyway. Second rope Bundy Killer clothesline and Mini Kane's about to get a mini chokeslam, but Swoggle resists and hits a CELTIC CROSS! He dropkicks Mini Kane out just as the last entry comes in...

Number 6: The Great Khali

We think it's going to be a mini Khali, but no, it's the full size deal. Because ha ha little guy with big guy please laugh. Mini Batista comes back in to attack Swoggle gently. Khali's about to clear Swoggle out when Finlay comes in with a shillelagh to get rid of him. He lariats Ranjin Singh too. I guess that means Hornswoggle wins?

Peaked in terms of comedy during Mini Kennedy's entrance, and then just became sad. Mini Batista was awful in every respect.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #615
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Chavo Must Wrestle On His Knees
WWE Superstars - July 9, 2009​

Okay, I hinted at this to the Veep Peeps... but since the Swagger Soaring Eagle was Chavo Guerrero, I'm duty bound to go back and look at the embarrassing load of shite that was the Hornswoggle/Chavo "comedy" feud/humiliation fest. And this is the earliest match I can find in that series, and it's on Superstars, which isn't on the Network. No idea why, it'd be easy content. Anyway, the stip is that Chavo can't be on his feet. How are they going to wrestle like that? Well, by mat technique. But do you expect mat technique in a 2009 WWE match? Do you bollocks.

Chavo's shuffling on his knees, and Swoggle does the "taller than you" gesture so Chavo stumbles back. Swoggle teases a test of strength but just mocks Chavo so Chavo shoves him over... and gets dropkicked. Chavo's briefly on his feet so Swoggle takes his knees out. Swoggle "leapfrogs" Chavo and kicks him out of the ring. Ref rules he's got to climb the steel steps on his knees. This lets Swoggle get a quick over for two. Clothesline by Chavo and he's on top now. Chavo slams from his knees, tries to strip the middle turnbuckle, then uses the ref distraction to get some footwork in. One-knee-on-the-chest pin by Chavo gets two.

Chavo tries and fails to slam Swoggle again and gets covered for a two-count. He tries to do a running (kneeling) splash but Swoggle gets the knees up. Swoggle seems to be teasing Three Amigos but Chavo fights back. "That's MY MOVE" he says. THREE AMIGOS ON THE KNEES! Swoggle blocks the third and does a suplex himself. Seated senton, Swoggle goes up top, Chavo tries to cut him off but has to get back on his knees. Swoggle bites Chavo's hand and hits the Tadpole Splash for the win.

Honestly... there was actual wrestling here, which is rare for a Hornswoggle match. Still, not good. Except the Three Amigos on his knees. What a waste of talent Chavo's WWE run was.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #616
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Chavo Has One Arm Tied Behind His Back
WWE Monday Night RAW - July 13, 2009​

From there, the humiliation went to RAW. The longest running weekly episodic TV series in history was in its painful Guest Host era, and part of that was apparently making Chavo do stupid things and face Hornswoggle. For this one, he's got to wrestle one-handed. Blame guest host Seth Green for this one, who's really put us up shit match creek Without a Paddle.

Chavo takes a long time to be tied up. Swoggle goes right for the knees, so Chavo gets on his knees again and taunts his opponent. He goozles Swoggle but gets bitten. Swoggle drags Chavo around by the one arm and bashes him into the turnbuckle. Seated senton for two, then he gives a STINKFACE as if this weren't embarrassing enough. Chavo gets a foot up and starts to "dominate" Swoggle by... standing on his head. Chavo tries a one-armed Three Amigos but gets blocked and rolled up for the three.

Remember when Chavo was a wrestler?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #617
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Sharp Dressed Man Tuxedo Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - July 20, 2009​

The next week, the RAW guest hosts were ZZ Top! And as a result we got this abomination! Tuxedo matches are not, and have never been, good!

And in case we needed more "comedy", Swoggle got to Chavo's WWE-assigned tux before Chavo got there and sewed his legs together. So that's the gimmick of this match. Swoggle's doing his best penguin impression. This starts as a chase scene before Swoggle removes Chavo's jacket and later tie. Chavo's pretty much helpless and scrambling as Swoggle removes the shirt. Chavo gets a clothesline off and manages to take Swoggle's jacket off, whipping him with it. He takes off Swoggle's shoes and throws them at him. "You think this is funny?" -Chavo. No, I don't. Chavo's dangled over the middle rope and Swoggle drags his trousers off. In true heel-in-a-tuxedo-match tradition, he has goofy print underwear. This time it's chilli peppers, because CHAVO IS MEXICAN!! LAUGH NOW!!

Complete farce, and not in a good way.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #618
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Chavo Is Blindfolded
WWE Monday Night RAW - July 27, 2009​

The next week, RAW guest host Shaquille O'Neal decided the best course of action would be a blindfold match. But only Chavo is blindfolded, because you've got to make him look stupid.

So it's basically a one-sided version of the blindfold match. Swoggle toys with Chavo, getting a kick to the calf and sending him stumbling out of the ring. Swoggle takes another hit and sends Chavo into the turnbuckle. Chavo gets his hands on Swoggle, who drags him around... goes through the legs of the ref, so Chavo attacks him instead! Chavo has to lift the blindfold to be sure he's not attacking the right guy, which lets Swoggle roll him up for a really sloppy one-count. Chavo lifts Swoggle but gets bulldogged for two. Chavo peeks behind the ref's back and scores a dropkick. Swoggle sets himself up near the corner so Chavo thinks he's safe to hit a Frog Splash (even peeking again), but he Frog Splashes nothing and is set up for a Tadpole Splash and the three. 4-0, the streak continues.

The spot with the ref and the Frog Splash trickery was kind of neat, but no way I can call this a green match because CHAVO IS TOO GOOD FOR THIS.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #619
Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz
WWE Monday Night RAW - March 28, 2022​

I hate to interrupt our Chavo humiliation session, but I noticed we've reached entry 619, and so by law, I must do something Rey Mysterio related. I looked up on Cagematch, what's his worst singles match? Apparently it's this one, on the go-home to Mania 38 and the build to Miz/Logan Paul vs. the Mysterios. To which end, Miz (after a mid-entrance ad break) cuts a promo about how Rey got his mask stolen and it now belongs to LUCHA LOGAN PAUL. I hate how good Logan is at this wrestling business, as he's one of the most odious people to ever disgrace WWE.

Dominik is ejected from ringside after he tries to stop Miz. Miz starts strong but Rey gets his typically clean headscissors off. Rey tries to chase Logan which lets Miz send him into the barricade and DDT him. One ad break later... really? Two ad breaks for this segment overall? Modern WWE production, I swear. Anyway, we've missed a Miz heat segment, Rey does a Thesz press but hurts his knee on it. Logan's continuing to provide distraction. Miz tries a powerbomb, bouncing Rey off the top rope, but Rey converts into a sunset flip for the three. Despite Miz's far shoulder being a mile off the mat the entire time.

The action was so-so but the production was insulting. So drawn out. Two ad breaks between Miz's entrance and the three. This is late, late Vince, when the TV had no wrestling, and it was depressing.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #620
Mark Henry vs. Chavo Guerrero
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 3, 2009​

Okay, now back to Hornswoggle/Chavo! And this is the edition of the rivalry that took place on one of the worst RAWs of all time. The one where Jeremy Piven (famous for his sexual assaults and also starring in Entourage) and Ken Jeong (a legit licensed medical doctor who turned to comedy, like Harry Hill only not funny) promoted The Goods (dreadful film) by going on RAW and not knowing anything about it. This is where the "Summerfest" clip comes from. Anyway, this edition of the awful streak that never ends sees Chavo wanting to fight Hornswoggle, but Piven dully announces that Swoggle won't make it (because of "adult chickenpox") and he's being represented by his cousin, Mark Swoggle. Surprise! It's a Mark Henry squash match!

Henry comes out with a leprechaun hat. He dominates Chavo with generic big man offence, tries a slam, Chavo hits his back, then completely bails. Henry brings Chavo back in and walks him all around before hitting World's Strongest Slam and ending this. Post-match Swoggle emerges from under the ring, runs around Henry, and with his "cousin"'s assistance, gives Chavo the Tadpole Splash. Swoggle and Henry jig around.

Chavo deserves better.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #621
Mark Henry/Hornswoggle vs. The Legacy (Cody Rhodes/Ted DiBiase)
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 10, 2009​

And next up we've got this one, from the RAW where Sgt. Slaughter ran the show! The specified match was Swoggle/Henry vs. Chavo and a partner of his choice, but Chavo comes out in street clothes and complains about his injuries, so he's sending out Legacy to fight in his place! I'm dreading the idea of Hornswoggle pinning one of these young talent. Actually, maybe pinning Ted Jr. would be okay.

Henry kicks off by swallowing both these guys' attempts at offence with ease. Cody straight up gets no-sold and gorilla pressed. Henry misses a corner charge though so DiBiase can get some shots in and target the legs. Regular tags, again and again, until they try to double suplex Henry and he takes both of them. Henry starts no-selling again and gives DiBiase the World's Strongest Slam. Swoggle tags in for the Tadpole Splash but DiBiase rolls away, Cody dropkicks Henry and hits Dream Street on Swoggle for the pin. He even hooks the little man's little leg, as if you'd need to. Uninspiring promo by DiBiase afterward.

Chavo finally gets a win! Sort of. Not really. Mark Henry murders two men and then Swoggle dies to one move. Chavo wasn't even involved. We're still at Swoggle 5-0 Chavo.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #622
Eugene vs. The Calgary Kid
RAW Contract on a Pole Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 10, 2009​

That wasn't the only thing that happened on that RAW, though. Aside from Swoggle's first loss, we also got the origin of Shawn Michaels in a chef's hat that has been exploited by NXT fans everywhere 15 years later... and we got this match. The story is that the Miz got banished from RAW as a result of a loss last week. Which means we've got an open spot on the RAW roster! So it's a Contract on a Pole match between the returning Eugene and the unknown Calgary Kid. And since it's a Eugene match it's pretty much guaranteed to fit here.

Jobber entrance for Eugene. He offers a handshake with the Kid, but Kid distracts him and tries to climb the pole. Rock Bottom and People's Elbow from Eugene, but Kid rolls to the apron and struggles a bit with Eugene on the top rope. Kid uses a headbutt to bring Eugene off and suddenly grabs the contract. He picks Eugene up... and hits a Skull-Crushing Finale! Of course, it's the Miz, who wangled himself back on to the roster!

It sure was a moment! Zero to say about this one, very little wrestling here. Eugene got fired quickly after this, because, and I quote, "we're not selling fat old Eugene". No one wants to see fat old Eugene? Tell that to the people of Aberdeen this October! They'll get hyped for him and no mistake!

 

[Chris]

I didn't even think Eugene had a job when that happened I thought it was a one night deal from the start lol it was so weird, pretty sure there was no advertisement until they were in the ring and it's just like hey winner gets a contract btw

 

[Leon TrotSky]

I didn't even think Eugene had a job when that happened I thought it was a one night deal from the start lol it was so weird, pretty sure there was no advertisement until they were in the ring and it's just like hey winner gets a contract btw

He was rehired as a trainer and to do house show loops, made this one TV appearance and was then out on his ear

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #623
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Falls Count Anywhere Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 17, 2009​

And now normal service is resumed. Freddie Prinze Jr., the man who thinks he knows better than anyone else about wrestling, is hosting, and he shows his acumen by booking an actual wrestling match in this feud! Though since it's Hornswoggle, that may not be the best idea.

Jobber entrance for Chavo. Swoggle trying to exploit the "ANYWHERE" part of this stip by going under the ring. Chavo follows him, and in the end they emerge on opposite sides. And Chavo has a toilet seat for some reason. Chavo chases Swoggle to the back, where he asks Primo (oh hey, Primo) for directions to a leprechaun. He follows the path Primo indicated, looking in containers and finding nothing. He's eventually directed to the locker room of Local Sports Team... where he's clocked by a paint can, Home Alone-style. Swoggle comes out and gets the pin. Mark Henry comes out, Chavo thinks it was him, it wasn't him. Because HONEST TO GOD MACAULAY GODDAMN CULKIN shows up, completely unadvertised, and gives Chavo a withering look.

I was not prepared for that. I was prepared, however, for bad "comedy".