Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #607
Sid Vicious (c) vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott Hall
No Disqualification Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

And that... after ALL THAT... is how we get back to Sid. It's a three-way, with the tease of a mystery man. Wait... three-way... mystery man tease... Sid involved... no, not that again, please...

Michael Buffer seems to have no idea where he is when the camera goes on him. Hall and Jarrett start the match before Sid's even here. Hall lays in, cleaning up the Harris' and Jarrett, while Sid makes his entrance mid-match. Sid cleans up with clotheslines and forearms for everyone. The Harris' crotch Sid on the post while Jarrett stomps Hall. Jarrett and Hall exchange sleepers. Hall almost bumps the ref, then Jarrett actually DOES bump the ref! Because of course he does! Nut shot for Hall but Sid brings both men down and hits a double chokeslam for a visual pin. The second referee comes in to only count two. Jarrett hits Sid with the belt for a two-count. Jarrett shoves the ref and Hall rolls him up for two.

Jarrett gives the second referee the Stroke! Now the Harris boys can use a chair. Jarrett tries to shove Sid into a chair held up by a Harris... but it's a REVERSE You Know This Spot! Jarrett gets shoved into the chair instead! Hall tries the pin, and the THIRD referee counts two! Sid ploughs through the Harris! Outsider's Edge teased but Jarrett pokes the ref in the eyes... then GIVES THE THIRD REF THE STROKE! Jarrett wastes no time in giving the FOURTH ref the same treatment! Madden theorises that he's got an ally among the refs... and it's the FIFTH ref, Slick Johnson! Outsider's Edge, but Slick fakes an arm injury before the three!

Sid comes in to clean up with rights. A Harris passes Jarrett his guitar and he uses it on Hall. Then out comes RODDY PIPER in ref stripes! He stops Slick's ref count and bumps a FIFTH ref this match. Piper pokes Jarrett's eyes and turns him into a Sid chokeslam! Powerbomb for Hall, and that's it. Sid's still champion. After SIX REFS in SEVEN MINUTES. Jesus.

Who says Russo is the biggest overbooker in wrestling? He wasn't even around at this point!

 

[Chris]

Might be worse than the powerbomb match actually

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #605
Booker vs. Big T
for the Rights to Harlem Heat
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

And we get to the other reason why I felt I had to expand this one into a full show recap! Booker T and Stevie Ray are at odds, and to make the difference Stevie Ray has enlisted broken-down, out-of-shape Ahmed Johnson, as well as Clarence Mason, who insists that Stevie Ray owns all the Harlem Heat trademarks so Booker can't call himself T anymore. It's as stupid as it sounds. Can Booker carry out-of-shape Ahmed Johnson to a match? Can he fu--

Booker comes out to some cartoon music, because the classic Harlem Heat music is a trademark apparently. Stevie stalls getting out of the ring, and gets into it with the crowd as Ahmed displays that he can wrestle on par with the WCW main event (that is, he can only do forearm clubs). Booker suplexes Ahmed a couple of times and hits a spinning forearm. TO THE OUTSIDE with a double axe handle. Stevie interferes so Booker clashes HH 2000's heads. Ahmed lumbers around. Stevie grabs Booker's leg to kill his momentum. The lawyer gets his shit in too. The faces talk about this being an effective handicap match. "Hey, the Booker's involved, blame him!" -Madden. I can't complain about that insider comment because of the pun.

Ahmed struggles to get Booker in position for a slam so Booker hits a Russian legsweep. Scissors kick, side kick, Booker wipes out the seconds and hits more offence. One, two... Midnight's toll! But it's not Midnight! It's 4x4 from the No Limit Soldiers! Shitty Pearl River Plunge by Ahmed takes it. Lawyer promos on Booker's dead body. This is so fucking flat, the crowd could not care less.

What was the point of bringing out-of-shape Ahmed Johnson in? Who knows?

This really feels like something from Sesame Street. This match is brought to you by the Letter "T"

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #608
Scott Steiner (c) vs. Sid Vicious
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Starrcade - December 17, 2000​

After the WCW reboot, Sid just... disappeared for the rest of the year, until he was announced as Scott Steiner's challenger at Starrcade. This, for us, is where the Sid story ends.

It's so jarring to see Michael Buffer in such late WCW. You'd think they'd have parted ways by this point. This starts as every other WCW match started. Punching in the corner. Steiner punches, then Sid punches. Steiner tries an atomic drop but Sid's just too tall for it. Soon the champ is beaten up and rolling out. About a minute of Steiner trying to get back in later, a test of strength spot! It's 2000, why are we still doing test of strength spots? Steiner wins it, at length, bringing Sid to his knees multiple times. Sid eventually turns it into a suplex for two. Sid takes some shots then sends Steiner out, but Midajah hits him with her pipe. Steiner uses a chair (in front of the ref) then shouts "FUCK YOU" at a fan.

"He's holding Sid like an eight-year-old child" -Schiavone on Steiner's backbreaker. Not all homes are like the Schiavone home. "Bury him with that suplex!" -Mark Madden, who should shut the fuck up. Steiner Recliner, but Sid takes a long ass time to realise he can reach the ropes and grab one. Second Recliner, but Sid fights up. Midajah tries a crossbody as Steiner holds Sid but You Know This Spot. Chokeslam but Sid takes too long to pin so Steiner kicks out. Sid sets up a cobra clutch slam but in the process Steiner decks the ref because OF COURSE. Midajah distracts Sid so Steiner can use the pipe. Second ref in, Sid kicks out!

Out comes Jeff Jarrett! Steiner holds Sid back so Jarrett can use the guitar but You Know This Spot. Lot of heels hitting their friends tonight, huh? Second ref counts but Jarrett drags the ref out just long enough that when he gets back in Steiner can kick out. Powerbomb attempt, but Steiner punches Sid in the dick (thankfully avoiding punching his own head this time). Another nutshot in front of the ref, T-bone suplex, Steiner Recliner, Sid passes out from the pain. Steiner wins.

Definitely nowhere near the level of badness that we've seen previously but still very limited, naturally. This'll probably be the last Sid match I cover in this thread. Unless there's something stupid on a random Nitro or RAW. Thank you, Sid.

 

[Comrade Khan]

Out comes Jeff Jarrett!

I audibly started laughing

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Out comes Jeff Jarrett!

I audibly started laughing

"Out comes Jeff Jarrett" is the story of a lot of matches from like, late 1999 to something like 2008

 

[Comrade Khan]

"Out comes Jeff Jarrett" is the story of a lot of matches from like, late 1999 to something like 2008

I know, it's funny seeing it happen even in 00

 

[Death By Looch]

Out comes Jeff Jarrett!

I audibly started laughing

"Out comes Jeff Jarrett" is the story of a lot of matches from like, late 1999 to something like 2008

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #609
Ernest "The Cat" Miller vs. The Dog
WCW Thunder - March 22, 2000​

I want to thank @thebigbangmay6 for drawing my attention to this dream match, this absolute milestone in wrestling history. CAT vs. DOG. They saw that they could do it, and they did it. For those not in the know, Ernest "The Cat" Miller is the same guy you know and tooth-grindingly tolerate, and the Dog is Al Green, who is being paid to act like an actual dog in the ownership of hardcore husbands Brian Knobbs and Fit Finlay. What will happen in this storied clash of animal enemies?

This is the era where the Cat doesn't have Miss Jones, but Mr. Jones (Virgil with one of his million names). Dog is on a chain and Knobbs is whipping him with it. Soon after Dog is let loose, and he dominates early. And he starts barking. Not like Rick Steiner stuff, but like he thinks he's an actual dog. Cat begs off but hits Dog in the dog's bollocks. Cat's starting to dominate now with something that is allegedly karate. He kicks Dog out but Dog no-sells, comes back in, and hits a spinebuster. Then he starts crawling around and barking, as if he doesn't know how to pin. Virgil tries to pass in the red shoes but is stopped. Knobbs uses the chain and Dog pins Cat for two. Cat gets Dog with a kick for three to end this.

Oh wow, the Dog act is somehow even dumber than I thought. Add that to Cat, who's a dud machine, and yikes.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #610
Hulk Hogan vs. Dustin Rhodes
WCW Thunder - March 22, 2000​

And just to make sure I don't go a day without bashing Hulk Hogan, here he is! On Thunder! If Hogan's on the depressing shitpile that is Thunder in 2000, you know it's something special. He's recently been betrayed by Sid, in a storyline that thankfully didn't survive the Bischoff/Russo reboot, and he's looking to vent his frustrations against Dustin, who is in black hat cowboy mode. Let's see if a Hogan TV match is worse than a Hogan main event.

Dustin starts by stomping away. And punching in the corner. Every top level WCW match really is the same. The two exchange eye rakes and Hogan gets offence until Dustin goes TO THE OUTSIDE to initiate some BOTO. Back in the outside it's all Hogan until he goes for a back body drop and gets kicked. To the outside Again where Hogan's being bashed off things and rolled over the announce table. Back in, Dustin puts on a chinlock which lasts a full minute. Knee drops for two, and then another chinlock which draws the arm-drop routine. But of course Hogan lives. Dustin gets a clothesline for two and soon after, Hogan Hulks up! Dustin ducks a big boot and hits another clothesline, then lamps Hogan and the ref with the bell for the DQ. This is looking quite threatening against Hogan...

...and then the ref un-DQs Dustin so he has to come back, take the big boot and leg drop, and get jobbed out regardless of what happened before. This political bullshit is why WCW died.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #611
Roman Reigns vs. King Corbin
Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match
WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders, and Chairs - December 15, 2019​

Okay, as the Veep Peeps will know, I considered doing a Roman Reigns main event today. And their recommendation was... a match that didn't main event! But this will be our third visit to the accursed show of TLC 2019, and was part of a feud that revolved around dog food. Maybe pre-Tribal Chief Reigns was just all shit like the fans were saying. Let's see what we have to endure.

As soon as I hear King Corbin's theme I get an intense feeling of despair. Corbin gets on the mic and cuts a promo about how Roman doesn't respect him and therefore He Is Going To Win The Upcoming Match. The security guys who were carrying Corbin's chair thing attack Reigns who wipes them out. There's a single shot with Reigns bashing Corbin into stuff and then sending a ladder into him that lasts a legit 30 seconds, which is refreshing for this era. And just as that ends, as we go into a walk-and-brawl in the crowd, we get cuts and shaky cam and my head hurts a bit. It's very telling how nonplussed the crowd is as these two pass through. Even in 2000 WCW going into the crowd would be an instant pop.

Okay, we're at ringside again and Corbin's face is bounced off things like the steel steps and the announce table. In the ring, Corbin pulls off Deep Six outtanowhere for two. He takes some time to play to the crowd before shoving Reigns into the post. "Boring" chants already as Corbin uses the barricade. Reigns goes punchy, Corbin runs around the post, and hits a clothesline. Back outside, he shushes the crow,d who don't need the help. Corbin goes against the barricade. He crotches Reigns on the ropes and goes back to Whipping Into Stuff. Crowd wants tables. Instead Corbin picks up a ladder and hits Reigns with it. This is so fucking boring.

Corbin picks up a chair and reaaaaaaally milks his chair shots. He props the chair in the corner, so of course Reigns is going to send him into it... a year later. But no we don't even get that because Corbin stops himself. Superman Punch but Corbin gets right the fuck up. But then Reigns' boot downs him for like a year. Superman Punch countered, Chokebreaker countered, Corbin dodges the chair again, then Chokebreaker.. And then a year of standing around. Corbin does the OOH AHH and finally gets put into the chair. Superman Punch... but no, only two. If there were any justice in this world that would be the finish. It's not a bad finish.

Fans want tables again, but Reigns finally gets the tables. While he's setting it up, though, Corbin hits him with a full can of dog food and chokeslams him through a table. But no, Reigns survives. Time for Corbin to strip the announce tables for an announce table bump. At least, one in about a decade's time. Legit, he's doing this in super slow-mo for a crowd that could not be more cold. Reigns picks Corbin up and gives a Samoan drop through the German table!! That would be a hype spot if it weren't preceded by such a drag of a match. We get a bit of downtime and Reigns is bleeding from his elbow.

Reigns goes all the way around the ring for a Superman Punch run-up but Dolph Ziggler comes from outtanowhere (under the ring) and hits a superkick! Corbin and Ziggler start beating up a timekeeper for no reason. Ziggler retrieves handcuffs and dog food for the timekeeper but Reigns dropkicks them from off camera. Kendo stick comes out and Reigns uses it to wipe out Corbin's security guys, who ran out just to be beaten up again. Out come the Revival to attack Reigns! Dash and Dawson both eat Superman Punches eventually, and Corbin gets clotheslined out. Big dive by Reigns on to everyone! OOH AHH by Reigns but Ziggler tosses a chair at his face and hits Zig Zag! Shatter Machine to Reigns! End of Days on to a chair! That's it, Corbin wins.

15 minutes of nothing and then 5 minutes of overbooking. It's not exactly unlike WCW, is it?

 

[Chris]

That was his last pinfall loss before Mania wasn't it

 

[Leon TrotSky]

That was his last pinfall loss before Mania wasn't it

I was going to mention that Corbin is STILL one of the most recent three people to score a fall over Roman Reigns

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #612
Roman Reigns vs. King Corbin
Steel Cage Match
WWE Super ShowDown - February 27, 2020​

I feel I'd be shirking my duty if I didn't pay a visit to the sequel to that match - a Saudi steel cage match! Watching Super ShowDown 2020 really makes you hope for a global pandemic, and luckily, that's what we got within the month.

Corbin is out wearing mail. Nice character touch, but also doesn't raise my hopes for good wrestling. I don't know if it's bad acoustics or the Saudi crowd is just horrible. Probably both. Reigns tries to pocket the key to the cage, so Corbin takes advantage by stomping away and bashing Reigns off the cage walls. On one landing, Reigns is favouring his leg, and Corbin slowly climbs the cage until Reigns can get up and stop him. They both dangle over the cage, then Reigns tries to climb, Corbin teases a powerbomb but Reigns punches him off. Reigns changes his mind for no good reason other than this Match Must Continue.

Reigns hits Corbin a bit and teases the Superman Punch for half a year, even cocking his fist. This of course means Corbin can avoid it and hit Deep Six for two. Corbin tries to fish the key out of Reigns' pocket. Reigns fights back but eats a chokeslam for two. Crowd is silent. Corbin unlocks the cage door and removes the chain, with each time having Reigns dragging him back. Corbin gets a beatdown on Reigns but Reigns still tries to hold him back. Corbin's got his face out the door but Reigns slams it on his bald head. Superman Punch teased, another chokeslam for two. Corbin's got the chain and teases a Superman Punch of his own, but Reigns hits the original for two.

After a long double down, it's cage climbing time! Corbin's up but Reigns follows, and now they're doing the exchange of punching on the cage top. By the end, Corbin is on the inside and Reigns is on the outside, but Corbin drags Reigns back by the vest. Punch exchange on the ropes. Reigns crotches Corbin on the ropes and then two Superman Punches in a row brings Corbin back to the mat. One last punch, this time assisted with the chain, gives it to Reigns.

A really dull match, but at least this didn't go 22 painful minutes, and actually had a finish.

 

[Comrade Khan]

this fucking dog food feud lmao