Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #584
Diesel (c) vs. Sycho Sid
Lumberjack Match for the WWF Championship
WWF In Your House 2: The Lumberjacks - July 23, 1995​

"This time we've got to have a non-fuck finish", said the WWF as this rematch was booked. This time, it's a lumberjack match. I honestly prefer lumberjacks when they've got straps, but let's see if this is an improvement on the previous one. This show also had a really good Jarrett vs. HBK match for the IC Title. You should watch that.

Shawn Michaels enters alongside Diesel and joins the babyface lumberjacks. Sid tries to start off early but Diesel overpowers him and sends him to the face lumberjacks a few times, who send him back in. So he rolls in among the heel lumberjacks, who treat him better. Then Sid drops Diesel into the heel lumberjacks, and they brutalise him. Just think, this is the closest the Harris brothers got to a world title match. We get the Obligatory Lumberjack Brawl early. Sid pins for two, and is mad at the ref for not counting a three.

It then starts to be all Sid, and he goes in with deliberately-paced forearms and boots. Hey, at least it's not a rest hold! Sid's targeting the arm a bit but not much. He does a rope choke, and when the ref is sending him back all the heel lumberjacks go to choke Diesel! That's a nice spot. Diesel blocks and starts fighting back, dropping a few elbows. Then he does an HONEST TO GOODNESS PLANCHA on to the heel lumberjacks! We've never seen that level of effort from Kevin Nash, before or since. Then a body guillotine, which is a high spot by his standards. Snake Eyes, and it's about to be over but Mabel drags Diesel out of the ring and squishes him against the post. Oh yeah, that match is in a month. ANOTHER lumberjack brawl!

Back in the ring, Sid puts boots in and puts Diesel down for two. After a brief interlude with a chinlock, Sid does the powerbomb. But once again, he DOESN'T PIN DIESEL until he's celebrated with the heel lumberjacks. We're supposed to believe Sid's a total idiot. He does have half the brain we do, after all. Sid tries another but Diesel back body drops. He goes in to attack the face lumberjacks, gets swarmed and eats a flying double axe handle from HBK. Diesel fights off interloping heels, big boot, done. Not even a Jackknife?

Yeah I actually liked that more than the first match. Even if Sid does look like a geek not going for the pin.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #585
Sycho Sid vs. Henry O. Godwinn
WWF In Your House 3: Triple Header - September 24, 1995​

This is going to be the last Sid WWF match of this retrospective. I've already done all the important matches in the second half of this run, the one where he became WWF Champion and turned the Grandest Stage brown, so there's only this left. A match against a man who deals with dung daily. Why must I be burdened with the Godwinns?

Is this the only WWF match between two (kayfabe) Arkansas natives? HOG starts out strong, ducking Sid's punch and going off on him. Sid goes for a back body drop but HOG just faceplants him. Sid's soon left on the outside before HOG suplexes him back in. HOG's got a hurt back from a previous powerbomb, so he can't capitalise on the pin, or slam his opponent. Sid puts HOG on the outside so DiBiase can get some shots in. Now both men are out and Sid attacks the back. He continues while in the ring, including with an Irish whip to the corner. That's a spot you really don't see these days.

Sid puts on the camel clutch, because actual action was fun while it lasted. He switches to a crossface, and then back to the camel clutch. I like the commitment to attacking the spine. Sid misses a corner charge and tangles his knee on the ropes. HOG comes back and does his moves. Slop Drop hit but DiBiase drags HOG out of the ring. HOG's about to go off again but DiBiase trips him, so Sid can get a leg drop and powerbomb for the win. Post-match the heels try to slop HOG, Bam Bam Bigelow comes out for the save, Kama attacks Bigelow, and DiBiase gets slopped. Send them to the next segment happy.

Match wasn't great, certainly, but it was better than I thought it would be.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #586
Sid Vicious vs. Justin Credible
ECW Hardcore Heaven - May 16, 1999​

So, what happened with Sid in the past three and a half years? Well, he got a bad case of Neck, came back after 6 months, became WWF Champion, had THAT match against Taker, got a case of Neck again, then left the WWF to treat his serious Neck. And yet, somehow, the neck isn't the part of the body Sid is best known for injuring. At this point, he's involved in the planning of Heroes of Wrestling (but gets signed up to WCW before he can headline it), and he's making a stopover in ECW, to do what he does best. That is, powerbomb the fuck out of everyone. This is an open challenge. Justin Credible doesn't have Shane Douglas as an opponent (as the Franchise is tired of Heyman stiffing him on pay) so Sid is here as a mystery opponent. The man's a very prolific surprise appearance.

Sid's in full squash mode right away, and Credible is selling gamely. Sid tosses his opponent to the outside and gives him Snake Eyes on the barricade. Credible's begging for mercy but no. Powerbomb's being set up, but Jason runs in and gets powerbombed himself. Credible uses the Singapore Kane but Sid no-sells it and chokeslams him. In comes Lance Storm... and that's suddenly a DQ? A DQ in ECW. When we've already had interference and a weapon. Storm gets chokeslammed and Sid's about to use the powerbomb but Credible tosses powder in his eyes. Crowd wants Sabu as the heels set up a table... and they get Sabu! Chair shots for everyone! He puts Credible on the table as well but Storm saves so only Sid gets hit. Sabu then puts a security guy through a table and Sid attacks Judge Jeff Jones, despite him being the only man at ringside who hasn't attacked him tonight.

A DQ in ECW. Both pointless and hopeless. And then post-match was random things happening for no reason.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #587
Sting vs. Sid Vicious
WCW Road Wild - August 14, 1999​

So we finish by mopping up the rest of Sid's notable matches in WCW. We kick off with Road Wild 1999, which was both a shit show and a shitshow! Just going to run through the lineup... Hogan vs. Nash. Bagwell vs. Cat. Randy Savage vs. DENNIS RODMAN. I'm going to be coming back to this one in the future, guaranteed.

The trademark Road Wild sound of loud bike engine revving hurts my ears, and apparently Sid's too. He's trying to bail as if he isn't an undefeated Millennium Man. When they finally get in the ring, Sid does Sid things but misses a corner charge. He then puts himself on the corner to take some of Sting's attacks. That's all I can interpret it as. The reaction is very delayed. Sid's sent outside soon. He's then (with difficulty) sent into the crowd. Some of the tobacco-stinking bikers in the crowd help Sting out to do the spot. Once that light-touch period of BOTO concludes, Sting misses a Stinger Splash and Sid takes control. Powerslam for two. And then a rope choke for a bit because who needs action? Backbreaker gets two.

Sid puts on a chinlock and dear FUCK I remember why I burned out on late WCW. Arm drop routine but Sting's living. It still isn't helping him against Sid though. After a bit of stalling TO THE OUTSIDE we go again for one bash against the guardrail and nothing else. Sid tries to get his foot on the rope but no. Back to the chinlock. Sting fights back and shoulderblocks Sid down, but he stumbles... right into Sid's balls! Sid goes up top but Sting tosses him down. Sting tries to run the ropes but Sid trips him. Running splash attempt but Sid gets his knees up. Snake Eyes, big boot, Sid goes up top for an axe handle, but Sting meets him and hits the superplex. Series of Stinger Splashes... Sid catches Sting with a chokeslam and pins him for three!

Pretty hype finish honestly, but it was a long trudge through typical late-WCW slop to get there.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #588
Hulk Hogan (c) vs. Sid Vicious
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - August 16, 1999​

What else happened at Road Wild? Well, Hogan went back to the red and yellow and defended his World Title and career. So now Hogan's the top babyface again, as if it's 1989 and not 1999, and they're going to run back the Mania 8 main event as if that didn't suck.

Sid starts by stomping at Hogan. And stomping. And stomping. And... more stomping. Seriously, all he does for a solid minute and a half is stomp. He does a leg drop because he's against Hogan... but Hogan no-sells and Hulks up while Sid's back is turned. A series of punches sends Sid outside, and he's trying to bail. Back in the ring, Sid gets an eye rake and only then does Hogan sell. He then starts targeting the back... and then inexplicably switches to turnbuckle bashes which lets Hogan fight back.

TO THE OUTSIDE where Hogan performs his Greco-Roman back rake and uses a chair. Like a babyface! Hogan charges Sid to the guardrail and sends him into the crowd. Then Sid pokes the eyes to use the chair himself. He then sprays the commentators' water bottle, for no real reason. The DEADLY NERVE PINCH keeps Hogan down for a bit of a rest. Fans chant for Goldberg, but commentary pretends it's for Hogan. Arm drop routine but Hogan's alive! Sid manages to clothesline down for two. Schiavone tries to explain that Hogan has actual powers that let him no-sell because of the crowd.

Chokeslam but again Sid DELAYS THE PIN because he's consistently portrayed as a moron. Hogan Hulks up, leg drop, but Rick Steiner comes in to kill the comeback and the match. Garbage is raining, Sting and Hogan attack Rick Steiner, and Hogan pins Steiner as if he was the actual opponent. Hogan kisses Sting.

Wow... WCW before Russo may have been WORSE than WCW after Russo. Complete mind-melting nonsense latched on to the end of a boring match.

 

[Chris]

Pre-99 Russo was the darkest time of the entire company honestly. Late 2000s had become unsalvageable to a point but it was more an accumulation than being the actual worst effort being put out. 99 was the worst of it all

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #589
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Sid Vicious
WCW Monday Nitro - December 6, 1999​

I honestly forgot why I put this down on my backlog. I occasionally add little notes to my backlog next to the match so I know what's going on, and what I had down for DDP/Sid on this Nitro is "all the staff quit". So I check my Dynamite vs. Nitro thread and...

• Sid Vicious vs. Diamond Dallas Page went to a no contest (the Outsiders, Jarrett, Benoit, and Bret all interfered, then all the referees quit. I'm not making that up, that was part of the story, the referees and the security guys all quit because they were sick of so much interference bullshit)

Yep, sounds like an entry to me! Actually, looking at that card, there's so many dumb matches I could do for this show. This'll just be the prelude. And the prelude to the prelude: DDP beats up David Flair who's feuding with the Maestro, and then gets on the mic and denies wanting to leave for the WWF. I went and checked the Wrestling Observer Rewinds on the R-site and this is what I got.

DDP reportedly asked for his release from WCW recently and was turned down. He's also spoken to Big Show about jumping ship to WWF. WCW is trying to make budget cuts and DDP has more than 2 years left on a pretty huge contract. But they haven't been doing much with him lately, so he figured they may be willing to let him leave. With Bischoff no longer around to protect his spot, he pretty much sees the writing on the wall. Dave thinks WWF would be glad to have him, since taking a top star from the enemy is always a big goal, but DDP isn't going to make near as much money in WWF as he does in WCW right now. But DDP is also 44 years old and the time and effort spent on pushing someone like DDP as a top star in WWF would probably be better spent on pushing someone like Edge.

So unless we get confirmation, there's no way of knowing. Anyway, out comes Sid and that's a match. Starts out inoffensive untl they go to the outside and Sid does Snake Eyes on DDP on the outside. I hate that part of the WCW style, going outside for one bash against the furniture and that's it. Sid uses power but DDP counters and gets a swinging neckbreaker for two. Diamond Cutter teased but Sid Vicious shoves DDP into the ref. Of course. Powerbomb, Sid teases a second, but the Outsiders show up! Sid tries to fight off Nash and Hall, he can't, but out comes Benoit for the save. Jeff Jarrett comes in to attack Benoit, then Bret Hart battles Jarrett. This match did not go two minutes. Security starts to swarm the throng, then Nick Patrick grabs a FUCKING MIC to announce that screw this, refs and security are outta here. By the time we get back from the break the Harris boys have shown up and that's my cue for me to drop.

WCW. That is all.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #590
Norman Smiley (c) vs. Rhonda Sing
Hardcore Match for the WCW Hardcore Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - December 6, 1999​

Like I said, there's SO many cursed matches on this Nitro. Like this one, with intergender hardcore wrestling featuring the former Bertha Faye!

Since we're in Wisconsin, Smiley comes out in what I'm led to believe are the colours of the Green Bay Packers and a cheesehead hat. He briefly promos on Fit Finlay. Sing gets the typical cartoonish stripper music that pretty much every "unattractive" woman in wrestling history got until about... whenever Mae Young died. Commentary is wall-to-wall fat jokes. She smacks Smiley with garbage can lids, baking trays, the works. Kendo stick shot to the "head" visibly hits the upper back. Then Smiley clonks her on the head with a bin. In comes a fire extinguisher. Smiley does the Big Wiggle from a safe distance and gets blasted by the foam. She's about to whip him through a table but he reverses and covers her (after a good 15 seconds) for three.

Rhonda Sing was a really good and well-respected woman wrestler, especially for her time. And US fans would NEVER know it given how she was treated in both WWF and WCW. Garbage.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #591
Evan Karagias vs. Madusa vs. Mona
WCW Cruiserweight Championship #1 Contender's Match
WCW Monday Nitro - December 6, 1999​

I'm not saying Vince Russo has issues with women, but this is the second intergender match tonight where the joke is that a woman is fighting a man. Two women are potential #1 Contenders, and no men. Karagias is already the current champion, so if he wins, he gets Starrcade off.

Molly Holly is too good for this business. Karagias tries to mediate but the women shove him away and square up. Guess he's joining on commentary now. He really can't talk, though. Madusa puts some boots in while Karagias says he'd love to roll in the ring with her. Mona hits a crossbody to break the momentum and hits a dropkick. Karagias tries to get a cheap win by pinning Madusa, but she rolls him up. Jeff Jarrett attacks Karagias and guitars Madusa because fuck your segment, Chosen One is talking.

Again, I'm not saying Vince Russo has issues with women. I'm totally not.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #592
"Dr. Death" Steve Williams/Oklahoma vs. Vampiro/Jerry Only
WCW Monday Nitro - December 6, 1999​

I may need to do an Oklahoma feature at some point. Ed Ferrara was the man who presented to us some of the worst TV in wrestling history. And this time, the offensive impersonation of a much-loved figure in wrestling is actually getting in the ring! Facing a musician!

Oh fucking CHRIST, Oklahoma's calling his own match. Vampiro has stolen Oklahoma's hat. Oklahoma insists on starting off the match. He comes in all confident, but runs in and tags out when Vampiro actually does something. Dr. Death cleans up and starts wrenching a spinning toe hold. Once this threatens to become a wrestling match, Oklahoma tags back in. And spins the toe hold the wrong way. Vampiro recovers, boots Oklahoma, and tags in Jerry Only. Only does what he thinks is a sunset flip attempt, but he's ultimately just trying to sunset flip a larger man. Dr. Death slams Only, Vampiro tags in. On the outside Oklahoma uses a chair. Vampiro tries a suplex but Dr. Death slams him. Vampiro kicks Dr. Death down and goes up top but Oklahoma hits him with a boot. Doc lets Oklahoma get the pin with a bottom rope elbow.

Because yeah, you need to let Vampiro get pinned by a guy who isn't a wrestler. Because you have to protect the musician. Because the Oklahoma gimmick has to be on TV at all. Fuck this.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #593
Asya vs. Midnight
WCW Monday Nitro - December 6, 1999​

What do I need to say at this point? WCW wants to book two bodybuilders who have no idea what they're doing in the ring, but instead of using the perfectly good Chuck Palumbo they have sitting in catering, they put on two women. Because "isn't that WACKY" -Russo probably. Asya's out with the Revolution, who are in black caps. Shane Douglas basically positions the Revolution as Foreign Heels despite being American. Flag waving ceremony for the Revolution's black flag... but lights out, Midnight's here, and that's a match.

Midnight does a pretty nice dropkick then kips up. Asya's snap suplex only gets a one-count. Midnight gets Asya up in a lifting chickenwing, which makes me wonder if she's about to invent the Glam Slam. An awkward-looking bridge pin by Midnight gets two. Did they only teach Asya how to do suplexes? She misses an elbow drop. Stalling suplex by Midnight for two, then the Revolution swarm and attack Midnight. Jim Duggan makes the save in janitor garb but (after a long spate of no-selling) gets beaten up too thanks to Asya. He's draped in the flag. America is dead. (Thank fuck.)

Vince Russo is a genius. This definitely didn't suck. I didn't think of stabbing my own eyes when seeing Asya work.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #594
Roddy Piper vs. Creative Control
Handicap I Quit Match
WCW Monday Nitro - December 6, 1999​

And we now come to a Harris brothers match. Kill me now. And it's also the worst version of the Harris brothers, playing men-in-black for Vince Russo. This is a very special match, because the referee is Piper himself. He's reffing his own match. He pats the "coneheads" down at length, before fondling one's testicles and says he's having a ball. He then makes it an I Quit Match, which by Russo standards means it can end in DQ or count-out.

Piper's offence consists of ball-kicking, eye-poking, and biting. The Harris' offence is stomping, forearm clubs, and for some reason, a double gutbuster. I can't consider any of this wrestling. One Harris gets a chair and they try to piledrive Piper but Goldberg makes the save. Goldberg gives the Jackhammer to one Harris before Piper chokes out the other with his tie. He quits. Thank fuck.

Bizarre display with zero actual wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #595
Curt Hennig vs. Larry Zbyszko
Vince Russo's Career vs. Zbyszko's Career Match
WCW Monday Nitro - December 6, 1999​

This is an odd one. Vince Russo calls Larry Z into his office to ask why Thunder sucks right now. (Problem exists between desk and chair.) Larry tears him down so Russo makes two proclamations: One, Thunder's going to have the top guys on Nitro too. Two, Larry is gone. After another verbal dressing down by Larry, Russo makes another announcement: it's going to be Larry vs. Curt Hennig (who was forcibly retired but was reinstated by turning heel) with careers on the line! Also, in between the interview and the actual match, we get the first glimpse of the Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea. So that's where we're at!

Virgil/Vincent, accompanying Hennig, is now "Shane", because Vince Russo is to subtlety as a sledgehammer is to an ant. Larry does a few cool moves. He gets a facelock, Hennig pushes him into the corner for a break, but Larry just keeps going. This is the sort of match that would have slapped 10 years before. To be honest, when Larry is in control, it's still not bad. Larry makes Hennig bump the referee because OF COURSE. Hennig doesn't even use the opportunity to cheat, instead just going for his incredibly limited 1999 offence of punches and knee lifts. Larry counters the Perfect-Plex into a DDT and guillotine choke but "Shane" makes the save. Arn Anderson comes to lay out the heels, giving Larry the win!... Except no, Creative Control comes out to reverse the decision because happiness is a lie.

Everyone and everything involved is past their best, including WCW.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #596
Kevin Nash vs. Sid Vicious
Master of the Powerbomb Match
WCW Starrcade - December 19, 1999​

Time to finish the Sid saga with some more of his WCW matches! And this one is a real shocker. Sid had been calling himself the master of the powerbomb, which annoyed Kevin Nash. To be fair, they'd been involved in the overall Bret/Goldberg/Sid vs. Jarrett/Nash/Hall feud but that was the reason for making this a "Master of the Powerbomb" match. First to hit a powerbomb wins. And can I say first of all, I hate the "move match" stip. Not being able to hit a move can be fine, but kayfabe struggling for 10 minutes to hit a move you could do effortlessly otherwise is just painful to watch. Can't wait until I have to do Andre vs. Big John Studd in future!

Nash does the DX "suck it" to remind everyone that Monday Night RAW will be on tomorrow. We kick off with what else but slow brawl in the corner. Sid just sitting there while Nash does some forearms. Side slam for two... wait, what? The ref counted that pin, despite it not being won by pinfall. Sid tries the powerbomb but Nash punches him in the cock... despite his head being between Sid's legs... so he's punching his own head. We go outside and Nash tries a Jackknife but Sid backs him into the apron. He works the back in the only way WCW wrestlers in this era knew how.... with Brawling On The Outside! Nash gets thrown spine-first into furniture for a bit, then Sid uses a chair.

Sid hits a leg drop and slams Nash a few times, but wastes time by playing to the crowd (is that just a part of Sid's character now?). This lets Nash recover with an eye poke. Ref bump because OF COURSE THERE IS. Sid hits the powerbomb but the ref's out of action. While Sid's trying to wake the ref Jeff Jarrett shows up and whacks Sid with a guitar. It's now the perfect opportunity for Nash to get up and give a Jackknife for the dirty win... the only problem is, his back won't let him lift Sid, as it keeps giving out. So he goes to the ref and just tells him he hit the powerbomb. And the ref TAKES HIM AT HIS WORD and Nash wins. What the actual fuck?

Is this just a bad joke? This is somehow a new low for dumb match endings in WCW.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #597
Kevin Nash vs. Sid Vicious
for the vacant WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - January 24, 2000​

Okay, let's recap the situation of the World Title in WCW. Bret Hart vacated the title because of his injuries. Sid lost to Chris Benoit in the final of a tournament to determine the new title... but then the title was re-vacated. In storyline it was because Sid's foot was under the rope, but in real life, it was because Benoit had gone off to the WWF. Meanwhile, Kevin Nash beat Terry Funk to become the WCW Commissioner. And he's feuding with Sid Vicious, which means he's going to put a bunch of bullshit in Sid's way. He got here by beating one of the Harris Nazis (no idea which one, which will be important later) and now he's against Nash for the vacant title in a match where the powerbomb is banned. Let's see if they can improve on their Starrcade match.

Before the match Nash cuts a long, masturbatory promo which I will not recap because FUUUUUCK that. There's a "Reno Room" sign in the crowd, but Reno hadn't debuted yet so sadly that's not about him. Sid does a quick slam and leg drop for two, which I imagine was just a shot at Hulk Hogan. The inmates were running the asylum in 2000. Nash is sent to the outside and just wanders back in. Someone has an XPW sign. Test of strength spot because the 1980s never ended. Nash just... nudges Sid in the corner. Like their Starrcade match. At least Sid is really throwing his punches.

BOTO becasue it's 2000 WCW. Back into the ring. This isn't wrestling. Nash puts on a sleeper, arm drop routine, but Sid's living with the OTHER ARM! Ref bump because of course. Sid hits moves to down Nash, but no ref. He's about to hit his banned powerbomb, Jeff Jarrett shows up, but Nash steals the guitar and waffles Nash with it. Ref's standing up and has no idea who hit whom with the guitar. Even though the debris is on Nash. Fucking hell. Sid pins Nash for the win.

thanks Mike from Scott's Blog of Doom for saving me from having to make this meme myself