Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

Powerbomb match is so hilarious

 

[Sky]

Entry #598
Sid Vicious vs. Don Harris
WCW World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender's Match
WCW Monday Nitro - January 24, 2000​

Okay, I was going to skip this one, but then I noticed the next match on my list of Sid matches involves the other Harris. And I WILL make sure both the Harris boys have the same number of matches represented no matter what I do. They belong together. In hell. Let's hope it's fun bad and not boring bad.

The reason why the Harris is in this match is apparently because Jeff Jarrett isn't cleared. Both the Harris' come out in suits. The one competing is allegedly Don. Sid beats him up and they go to the outside for some traditional WCW-style BOTO. Against the guardrail, and Don's sent into the crowd. Now Ron is in?? I think?? And Don's the one choking Sid on the outside?? This is why they never had singles runs. Okay, Ron's out of the way and Don is choking Sid with his tie. Now he's working a never-ending chinlock. Don thinks he's going to be champion. Ron gets a shot to the back of Sid's neck and Don kicks him in the cock. In full view of the ref, mind. Back to the chinlock. Sid makes a comeback and chokeslams Don. However, off-screen Don switches with Ron. Sid powerbombs Ron and pins him.

Who the fuck decided it was okay to have a Harris brother working a chinlock?

 

[Sky]

Entry #599
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Sid Vicious vs. Ron Harris
Caged Heat Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Thunder - January 26, 2000​

The next show in WCW's calendar was Thunder, where Nash revealed that, as Sid had pinned the wrong Harris Brother, his title win was null and void. Therefore Nash awarded the title to himself. This led to a title match involving Nash, Sid, and the Harris Brother that Sid didn't beat. However... Ron's in the match. Sid very much did beat Ron. That's why this match is happening in the first place. It's a glorified handicap match because Sid must pin Nash to win, also the powerbomb is banned.

After a bit of punching, we go to the outside as Ron whips Sid into the cage. It's about as close to BOTO as we can get. Whips into the cage combined with punching. Over and over. Into the cage. Punching. Into the cage. Punching. We're finally back into the ring, where both guys keep going for pins. Including a stacked pin. Wait, so since Ron was on top of Nash, does that make Ron the champ if that ends in three? Sid fights back and starts punching away until Nash gets a nutshot. The beatdown continues. With BOOT CHOKING! Then to the outside for the same old shit. Sid blocks a bash into the cage, clonks both guys' heads and separates the heels. Chokeslam on Ron but Nash hits from behind. Nash puts the straps down but Sid gets a crossface and Nash taps. He'd never have done that for Benoit.

Fucking dire. So much nothing. 7 minutes of nothing.

 

[Death By Looch]

​

thanks Mike from Scott's Blog of Doom for saving me from having to make this meme myself

Perfection

 

[Sky]

Entry #600
The Artist vs. Lash LeRoux
for the vacant WCW Cruiserweight Championship
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

Surprise! It's a full show watch-through! When I saw a SuperBrawl 2000 match was on the radar, I remembered that that was the show Tank Abbott trying to kill a guy was on. And Booker T vs. Big T for the letter T. And, and... I just said fuck it and decided I'd do this whole show in a row. Aside from the three match string that's just the right side of mediocre (Kidman vs. Vampiro, Mamalukes vs. Crowbar/David Flair, and Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk), all of this is bad. With some of it being LEGENDARILY bad. Let's relive it. There was a tournament for the Cruiserweight Title after Oklahoma had to vacate it. Shit, I've got to do Souled Out 2000 too, don't I? The final is the two non-flippiest guys in the division, Prince Iaukea (sorry, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea) and Lash LeRoux. A pathetic half Dave star for this one, let's get into it.

Say what you like about the shitty Prince clone thing... at least it's a character. I wonder how many people haven't made the connection yet that Paisley is Sharmell? Lash smacks Paisley's ass and that begins the match. He holds the arm so Paisley can give a kick to the chest. In full view of the ref. Wouldn't it be funny if it ended by DQ right away? Lash is really scrambling for these near-falls, almost missing them initially. I can't tell if it's intentional or just botchy. Similarly, Iaukea trips and rolls out of an Irish whip, which might have been intentional but probably wasn't. Iaukea struggles to do a Sgt. Slaughter bump over the corner. Lash hits a plancha.

Iaukea does a dragonscrew leg whip and gets Lash in a tree of woe. Paisley acts like she's going to interfere but she just slaps Lash's boot. Lash tries a sunset flip and Iaukea does some absolutely horrid "teetering on a sunset flip" acting. Cruiserweight BOTO time! Iaukea goes for a few pins. Lash makes his comeback but that lasts about five seconds. He gets Iaukea on the corner, tries a Frankensteiner, but Iaukea holds on and Lash seems to land on the top of his head. The top rope DDT wins it for Iaukea. The crowd really doesn't care.

Very typical for late Cruiserweight division matches: just the same old WCW style, but from small guys the fans didn't care about.

 

[Sky]

Entry #601
Bam Bam Bigelow (c) vs. Brian Knobbs
Hardcore Match for the WCW Hardcore Championship
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

Next up we have a match for the Hardcore Title, the most meaningless belt in WCW history. And the challenger is Brian Knobbs, that relic of the old days kept around because he's Hogan's friend. Dave gave this one a quarter star. Let's watch.

Champ out first. Knobbs has his arm in a cast because it got broken by Lex Luger. Fit Finlay's helping Knobbs (despite him being the reason Knobbs dropped the title in the first place. They brawl to the WCW.com stand, then Bigelow tosses Knobbs into the crowd and crumples a bin on his head. TO THE BACK where Bigelow breaks a picnic table. Finlay uses his own cast to deck Bigelow. Knobbs uses a plastic, non-crumpling bin. A walk and a brawl back to ringside. Knobbs brings out a table but Bigelow shoves him through it. Greetings from Asbury Park hit, but Bigelow is an idiot and goes to the top with a chair. Which he chucks at Finlay. This lets Knobbs crotch him on the rope and clonk him on the back of the head with a bin lid for the pin on the outside and the title.

A walk, a spot, a walk, two spots, and it's over. Pointless shit.

 

[Sky]

Entry #602
Norman Smiley vs. 3 Count
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

Next up, what is probably the least bad match I'm covering on this show, but still hasn't been reviewed well. Smiley's got taped ribs and is in a 3-on-1. Hope you like selling stomps and punches!

Smiley starts out strong, back body dropping Shannon Moore on to the other two. He then manages to sunset flip all three at the same time when he has Karagias in position but the other two try to hold him back. He then gets dropkicked and that's his shine gone. 3 Count are forgetting to target the injured ribs until Schiavone points it out. Helms does a high-elevation tornillo but Smiley rolls away and manages to get a big swing! Helms is staggering in the perfect position for the Big Wiggle, Karagias comes in, Smiley dodges... the 3 Count boys do their special move to each other! Smiley wiggles around and wipes out the guys. Norman Conquest locked on Moore but his partners come in for the beatdown, target the ribs, hit flying moves, and then Boston Crab by Moore and Smiley submits.

Had some fun spots but was just structurally very disappointing.

 

[Sky]

Entry #603
The Wall vs. The KISS Demon
SPECIAL MAIN EVENT
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

It's time for your SPECIAL MAIN EVENT!! Because part of the contract to license the KISS Demon was that the character would get a pay-per-view main event. And thanks to the death of the WCW/KISS "New Year's Evil" concert, we didn't get that. So instead, they've had to put on a SPECIAL MAIN EVENT! You may notice that this SPECIAL MAIN EVENT is going on fourth. And it's against the Wall. Pretty unusual for main events, right? But not for SPECIAL MAIN EVENTs! Let's watch it.

Demon comes out of a spiky sarcophagus and drools blood. Wall... doesn't come out, so Demon goes to find him. Then Wall comes out of nowhere and attacks him from behind. Wall just beats on Demon, almost entirely without reprisal, and they walk-and-brawl back to the ring. Wall's got fake blood on his shirt. The "boring" chants have already set in. Demon lands on the second rope and hits a surprise flying clothesline. He's doing stuff, including a clean dropkick. Wall gets Snake Eyes on Demon and hits a backbreaker. He goes up top but Demon tosses him off right on the back of his head. Demon up top but Wall catches him for a top rope chokeslam.

Well, that sure was a SPECIAL MAIN EVENT. What a LOAD OF SHITE.

 

[Sky]

Entry #604
Tank Abbott vs. Big Al
Skins Match
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

First of all: who's Big Al? He's Tank's former bodyguard who is annoyed that he sold out for his wrestling career. Ah yes, the illustrious wrestling career of Tank Abbott. Also: what's a skins match? It's a leather jacket on a pole. That leather jacket is important to them for some reason. Finally: why is this random non-wrestler wrestling on PPV??

Big Al pulls out his belt and straps himself to Tank by the right hand. blocking the Phantom Right. They're smacking each other with left hands, having a sweary argument all the while. A left handed forearm downs Tank and dislodges the belt. Tank lies on the ground forever while Al stalls for time. He teases crotching Tank on the pole but doesn't. He stands on Tank's face to no apparent effect, until Tank pushes him off. Tank corners Al and starts punching. He went to the Heidenreich school of shouting BANG every time you do a punch. Tank carries Al up top and drops him off like a sack of shit, goes for one last punch, and grabs the jacket. Post-match Tank pulls a knife out of his jacket and holds it to Al's throat shouting "I COULD FUCKING KILL YOU". Schiavone speculates those are scissors to cut Al's beard. (He barely has a beard.)

Truly bizarre stuff. None of the setup or execution makes sense. Tank Abbott is also a legit maniac.

 

[Chris]

If I remember right this has next to if not actually 0 build prior on any show too

 

[Sky]

If I remember right this has next to if not actually 0 build prior on any show too

It was actually shown briefly on Nitro that Tank doesn't like his old bodyguard but otherwise that's it

 

[Chris]

It was actually shown briefly on Nitro that Tank doesn't like his old bodyguard but otherwise that's it

Ah yeah that actually makes more sense. My last time watching WCW 2000 was just the Thunders bc they were uploaded to the Network last and since it wasn't on Thunder, I guess I assumed it didn't make the Nitro cut either lmao

 

[Sky]

Entry #605
Booker vs. Big T
for the Rights to Harlem Heat
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

And we get to the other reason why I felt I had to expand this one into a full show recap! Booker T and Stevie Ray are at odds, and to make the difference Stevie Ray has enlisted broken-down, out-of-shape Ahmed Johnson, as well as Clarence Mason, who insists that Stevie Ray owns all the Harlem Heat trademarks so Booker can't call himself T anymore. It's as stupid as it sounds. Can Booker carry out-of-shape Ahmed Johnson to a match? Can he fu--

Booker comes out to some cartoon music, because the classic Harlem Heat music is a trademark apparently. Stevie stalls getting out of the ring, and gets into it with the crowd as Ahmed displays that he can wrestle on par with the WCW main event (that is, he can only do forearm clubs). Booker suplexes Ahmed a couple of times and hits a spinning forearm. TO THE OUTSIDE with a double axe handle. Stevie interferes so Booker clashes HH 2000's heads. Ahmed lumbers around. Stevie grabs Booker's leg to kill his momentum. The lawyer gets his shit in too. The faces talk about this being an effective handicap match. "Hey, the Booker's involved, blame him!" -Madden. I can't complain about that insider comment because of the pun.

Ahmed struggles to get Booker in position for a slam so Booker hits a Russian legsweep. Scissors kick, side kick, Booker wipes out the seconds and hits more offence. One, two... Midnight's toll! But it's not Midnight! It's 4x4 from the No Limit Soldiers! Shitty Pearl River Plunge by Ahmed takes it. Lawyer promos on Booker's dead body. This is so fucking flat, the crowd could not care less.

What was the point of bringing out-of-shape Ahmed Johnson in? Who knows?

 

[Chris]

The illustrious letter T

 

[Sky]

Entry #606
Hulk Hogan vs. The Total Package
WCW SuperBrawl 2000 - February 20, 2000​

Three competent matches and an appearance by the Actual Real James Brown later, we get to the double main event (because Hogan wouldn't be satisfied with semi-main). Actually, considering the SPECIAL MAIN EVENT, wouldn't this be a triple main event? Anyway, Luger's been breaking pretty much everyone's arms recently, and so we're getting Hogan vs. Luger in 2000. God is not here.

They've got Michael Buffer under a dusty looking spotlight, which is really giving classic vibes. He doesn't say let's get ready to rumble, but "Let's bring 'em out!". Doesn't feel right. Luger, in full WBF mode, attacks Hogan mid-entrance. Hogan even sells for about 15 seconds until he gets up to avoid an elbow drop. Time for Hogan's punches and Greco-Roman back rakes. And a grounded choke, like a babyface. Hogan does his shirt rip, then TO THE OUTSIDE where Hogan uses the shirt to choke. And a chair, right in front of the ref. WCW: where refs don't exist except to be bumped. Hogan continues the slow-paced beatdown into the ring until Luger gets a back elbow. Back to the outside for some classic WCW-style BOTO!

Back in the ring Hogan starts using the cast as a weapon. Turnbuckle-bashes into the cast. Hogan's about to go for the leg drop but Liz gets a shot with a bat from outside. She lures Hogan out so Luger can attack. Tellingly Hogan recovers immediately. Jimmy Hart steals the bat. Hogan takes some shitty knees and a suplex... but Hulks up! "We've seen it thousands of times" -you and me both, Schiavone. Instead of the leg drop, Hogan calls for his weight belt, so Luger can get a nut shot. Luger has the weight belt, but Hart and then Hogan get shots in with their casts, so Hogan can actually hit the leg drop to win. Hogan gets some shots with the belt, until Ric Flair takes out the knee. Big beatdown with Team Package on Hogan until Sting makes the save.

Relatively logical for a Hogan match. Not something I'd enjoy, though.