Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #624
Mickie James (c) vs. Gail Kim
for the WWE Divas Championship
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 17, 2009​

I read recaps of the shows these matches are on after I watch them, just to make sure I haven't missed anything important. And when I was skimming through a recap of the August 17, 2009 edition of RAW, I saw a women's match that the recapper rated MINUS 3 STARS. Described it as on the level of That Jackie Gayda Match. Even more alarming, it featured the two best women wrestlers in WWE at the time: Mickie James and Gail Kim. And it can't be a question of anti-chemistry, because these two worked well together when they met again in TNA. What went wrong? I dread to think.

Champ out first. Commentary informs us that Freddie Prinze Jr. made this match tonight, which is a way of saying the Divas got bumped off SummerSlam '09. Arm wringers kick us off. Mickie fumbles a cartwheel early. Both women go for dropkicks, miss and stand off, which is basically just a modern indie spot. Gail dodges around the post and hits a sunset flip for one. A rolling small package never stays down long enough to get a fall. Then we get a double down. Gail hits a crossbody for one. Both women get headscissors takedowns and Gail THROWS herself into a corner charge, followed by a dropkick for two.

Jumping DDT and Eat Defeat both teased and countered, and Mickie gets a single leg crab. Gail misses a crossbody. Mickie tries the Jumping DDT but she's dead-weighted and can't get all of it. I'm not sure if this was a botch or just Gail trying an interesting counter, but as she looks groggy I'm saying it's a botch and she legit landed hard on her head. Mickie whiffs a spin kick (visibly) and hits a forearm that ends it very flatly. Mickie puts Gail over for the crowd, but only for the crowd because the camera cuts early to a city skyline. Fuck this company.

Fuck you, whoever called that Jackie Gayda-tier. That was absolutely not a minus star match. Certainly not a green match, because there were some noticeable botches, but this is a masterpiece compared to the vast majority of this thread.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #625
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Boxing Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 24, 2009​

And on and on and on, and so it continues. We complete the set of stipulations that are never good with a WORKED BOXING MATCH! I say "complete" - to be fair, they haven't done a scaffold match, but WWE would never do that anyway. It's a boxing match because Floyd Mayweather is the host. That's the only reason why they're doing this.

Swoggle's wearing headgear but Chavo isn't. The ref brings out "comically" large boxing gloves for Chavo to wear. Lawler theorises that the guest hosts are in a competition to embarrass Chavo the most. Chavo tries to throw a punch but is nowhere near. Swoggle gets several hits in. Chavo tries a punch, falls over and gets knocked down. Chavo takes off the gloves and slams Swoggle to lose by DQ. 7-0 baby, the streak continues. Chavo's about to Frog Splash the small fellow but EVAN BOURNE comes out for the save and goes Air Bourne on Chavo.

So now they're wasting two exciting talents on this. Great. Superb. Anyway, worked boxing matches are never good.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #626
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Cow Tipping Bullrope Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 31, 2009​

Here we go again. It never ends. Guest host this time is the great Dusty Rhodes, who gives us a match of one of his legacies in wrestling. But since a 30-minute Bunkhouse Stampede which he wins probably isn't a good idea, we'll have to settle for a Bullrope Match! A special variety of the Bullrope Match, where the winner is the first to tie up their opponent. The catch is... oh fuck me running.

Swoggle is dressed as a cowboy, and Chavo is dressed as a cow. Swoggle's outright laughing at his opponent... even before the ref pulls out the novelty cow head! Chavo's got to wear it, or he forfeits. I'd take the forfeit at this stage. That thing appears not to have any eye holes. Swoggle runs absolute rings around Chavo, who's struggling to keep the cow head on. He rides 'em cowboy. Chavo kicks Swoggle down and takes off the head. The ref reminds him to put it back on. Out comes Evan Bourne! What's he doing here? Hornswoggle yanks Chavo down with the rope, puts the cow head on backwards, and ties Chavo up for the win. 8-0! Chavo attacks Bourne but misses a corner charge, gets bitten on the ass, kneed, and Tadpole Splashed. WHILE SWOGGLE HAS THE COW HEAD ON. WITH A MOO SOUND.

Hey, if you're going to be interminably suicide-inducingly stupid, go the whole hog. Or cow, as it may be.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #627
Evan Bourne vs. Chavo Guerrero
WWE Monday Night RAW - September 7, 2009​

No, we haven't moved on to Chavo vs. Evan Bourne being the main attraction. This is STILL the Hornswoggle feud. At least the in-ring will probably be nice, even if there will be some dumb bullshit going on. This is the Price is RAW - the one with Bob Barker. If Chavo wins, he wins a new car (but not the Bella Twins who are showing it off).

It's actual wrestling! I feel blessed. Bourne starts off strong but Chavo gets the edge with attacks to the throat. He mounts Bourne on the corner and gives him a kick to the gut for two. I feel so happy to see a regular abdominal stretch. Chavo tries to slam out of it but Bourne lands on him for two. Bourne kicks out Chavo's leg from under his leg and counters a powerbomb attempt with a headscissors. Flying back kick by Bourne for two. Chavo's cornered and Bourne tries a Frankensteiner, but Chavo drops out and Bourne just split-legs the ropes. Three Amigos, then Chavo's heading up for a Frog Splash... out comes Hornswoggle with a Super Soaker! The gun jams and Chavo attacks Swoggle, but Bourne rolls him up for the win.

ACTUAL WRESTLING but with a silly finish. It's not a green match because of that, and because we didn't get to see Air Bourne.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #628
Evan Bourne/Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero/Carlito
WWE Monday Night RAW - September 14, 2009​

Trish Stratus is hosting this RAW, and for the first time she doesn't seem to have a hand in the Chavo humiliation match. We've finally reached the stage where Chavo has found a partner. It's Carlito, who was colder than cold around this time. I doubt this ends well.

Rosa Mendes is here so we don't have to watch the match. Swoggle hits Carlito in the penis and steals his apple. Bourne's in and on fire, kicking both guys about. Chavo tries to hit a plancha but Swoggle trips him. Wheel kick gives Chavo a bit of edge, and now the heels are isolating Bourne. This is just basic, clean tag team stuff, complete with referee distractions allowing the legal man to interfere. Chavo visibly misses a slingshot senton. Bourne gets a headscissors takdeown, starts wiping out both heels, and another spinning kick requires Carlito to break the pin. Backstabber countered, Chavo's laid out, and Bourne tags in Swoggle. He climbs the ropes and eats the apple as Bourne wipes out Carlito with a dive. Swoggle spits the apple in Chavo's eyes and a Tadpole Splash brings the overall record to 9-0.

Post-match Chavo grabs a FUCKING MIC and gives up on this bullshit feud. It's over! Actually, it's not over, because we've got two more weeks of this shit, but still. That was just a regular tag match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #629
Chavo Guerrero vs. Cedric the Entertainer
WWE Monday Night RAW - September 21, 2009​

Yes, you read that correctly. Cedric the Entertainer (who is, by the way, this week's guest host) is going to wrestle against Chavo. He mocked Chavo so Chavo challenged him to a fight. With the help of Santino. Who, by the way, is special guest referee. We're reaching the peak of comedy in wrestling here, my friends.

Cedric the Sports Entertainer (I swear I thought of that before Cole said it) comes out with some of Jerry Lawler's old gear. He then puts on a lucha mask. To be fair, he's in no worse shape than most of the lucha guys working the nostalgia circuit. Brief lock-up but nothing more. Chavo takes off Cedric's hat and stomps on it. He gets some shots in before Cedric crawls under the ring. Chavo goes to meet him, but instead meets a taller man in the same getup. This is apparently legit fighter Imani Lee, who was under a WWE developmental deal for a cup of coffee. No wonder he was cut, he has no idea how to carry himself. Or wear a cape. Tall Cedric chases Chavo and does power stuff. After he's done embarrassing and tossing Chavo, he's replaced by Mini Cedric, who is obviously Hornswoggle, who hits a Tadpole Splash. Real Cedric re-emerges to get the win. BIG DANCE PARTY!

This is not wrestling any more, it's just an exercise in burial.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #630
Hornswoggle/Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero/Chris Masters
WWE Monday Night RAW - September 28, 2009​

And so we come to the end of the experiment. Of Chavo being humiliated on the regular. In total, we've seen 13 matches of this godawful, agonising feud, and I never want to see Hornswoggle again, and the vast majority of people never wanted to see Chavo again. But anyway. Team Comedy vs. Team Ring Ka King. By the way, the guest host this week (as if you give a flying fuck about wrestling still after enduring this) is Al Sharpton.

Santino kicks off with the edge, until Chavo gets a kick off. Santino's playing face in peril as Masters does power stuff. Really basic offence from the heels. Santino counters an attempted turnbuckle bash and starts teeing off... including the televised debut of the Cobra! Masters makes a blind tag in and slaps on the Masterlock. Santino seems to fight out but fades. Post-match Masters comes in to give the Masterlock to Swoggle... and Chavo decks Masters and saves Swoggle?? What the fuck? Chavo apparently has no idea what he just did.

Even when Chavo breaks the streak of losing to Hornswoggle, he can't even look good. And this, I believe, was an angle that never got followed up on. Soon after this Masters would transition from irrelevant heel to irrelevant babyface, and Chavo would just stagnate some more. Sad, isn't it?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #631
The Boogeyman vs. Booker T/Sharmell
WWE WrestleMania 22 - April 2, 2006​

I've expressed dissatisfaction with certain things about how the rankings of Most Bad Matches have turned out. The abundance of people with exactly 8 matches, for one. But one thing that annoys me is that we're close to 900 unique wrestlers, but fewer than half have appeared more than once. You'd think with a well-curated list, it would be the opposite. So, I'm going to do a few matches to turn single offenders into repeat offenders. So... step right up, Queen Sharmell! We last saw you be somehow the WORKER in a match against Jenna Morasca, now let's go to your only WWE PPV appearance! When the Network finally dies and I start focusing on other companies, you'll have more entries due to having had FOUR TNA PPV matches, but for now... here's this!

There's a "Got Worms" sign in the crowd. Thanks for sharing, I guess? Sharmell really does not want to do this match. Booker's checking under the ring in case there's Boogeys about. Booker's offence is forearm clubs and stomps. Boogey applies the DEADLY DOUBLE NERVE PINCH. Sharmell distracts the ref and Booker kicks Boogey in his boogeyballs. Side kick for two. Then some ROPE CHOKING! The arena is full of red mist, helping the crowd not to see this. Booker gets a Book End pretty much out of nowhere but delays the pin so only two. Boogey's fighting back, and dodges a scissors kick. Slow-mo shove into the corner. Boogey pulls out some worms and eats them. Sharmell comes out with the staff to interfere, but is too scared when Boogey turns around. WORM KISS fucking hell. Sharmell turns tail and runs as the chokebomb finishes Booker.

That really did not need to happen. Gross-out "comedy" is just a big no for me.

 

[Samoa Looch]

Suddenly Chavo and Hornswoggle take over the rankings

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #632
Team Total Divas vs. Team True Divas
Traditional Survivor Series Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - November 25, 2013​

Haven't we done this already? Actually, this is the REMATCH! They decided to run this one back on the next RAW because the original sucked. Will it suck less? Let's find out. Regarding the Reappearances, no fewer than EIGHT of these women will make only their second appearance in this thread with this match.

Brie vs. Aksana to kick off. Hair-pulling against the rope is the order of the day. Brie gets a Russian legsweep and gets her down for one. Aksana gets slapped on the ass and takes a Bella Buster to go out. Rosa Mendes enters, Nikki comes in to do a sort of... double sunset flip thing, and Rosa's gone. They're packing in the eliminations even tighter! Cameron vs. Tamina now, Tamina tosses Cameron away so she tags in Naomi for a Funkadactyls double suplex and double split leg drop. Tamina doesn't know how to take Naomi's wheelbarrow stunner, but she knows how to do a powerful kick that takes out Naomi. Cameron tries to crossbody a larger woman and gets handled into a Samoan drop.

Future Women's Tag Team Champs clash as it's Natalya vs. Tamina. Back in 2013, Tamina looked positively competent. She misses a corner splash and eats some actual wrestling moves from Natalya. Natalya then tags out to hand JoJo an easy pin. JoJo keeps trying to pin Alicia Fox but gets wiped out by that cool tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Eva Marie (E-Pac) in now. Foxy tries a sunset flip but Eva sits out and gets the pin. Despite both women's feet breaking the plane of the ropes. This is getting no more breathing space than the previous match. Now Natalya vs. Kaitlyn in the 2013 version of a hossette fight. Natalya misses the Anvil discus clothesline, avoids being rolled up, and slaps on the Sharpshooter until Kaitlyn taps.

AJ vs. Natalya! Natalya's using her power as AJ is INCREDIBLY loved by the crowd. AJ fights out of the Sharpshooter and rolls Natalya up. Brie dropkicks AJ from behind and a Bella Buster boots AJ out. Summer Rae is outnumbered and tries to win in DANCING! Brie tags in Nikki to do the Worm! Summer tries to repeat it but ends up doing the Flopping Fish. In a tantrum she tries to bail but is surrounded by Divas! "Twerk" chants. Progressive times. Rack Attack kills Summer.

That was 8 minutes. 11 eliminations in 8 minutes. They just did not care about women.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #633
Edge vs. Tiger Ali Singh
WWF Capital Carnage - December 6, 1998​

Now it's time to take on Tiger Ali Singh! I wondered why Tiger Ali Singh didn't get many runouts in my thread. Let's be honest, he wasn't televised enough. He was shit, but we didn't see enough of him being shit for him to be a regular. He has three PPV matches: a Royal Rumble appearance (and trust me I WILL get to the 1999 Rumble) and two UK exclusive PPV matches. Let's dive straight into the first one.

He's coming out to the Iron Sheik's classic music and representing the ENTIRE continent of Asia. He cuts a long, long promo about how India was oppressed by the British and he will right those wrongs... by being a Canadian and beating up another Canadian. Edge comes out of the crowd. He starts strong, avoiding the back body drop by Singh and hitting an armdrag. And working the arm a bit. And then... working the arm some more. Edge does some more stuff including dropkicks. Singh rolls out like a coward so Edge brings him in. Edge crotches Singh on the ring post. He wants mercy for his balls but eats an inverted atomic drop. Edge hits a missile dropkick for two and a rope break. He goes up top again and drops into a sloppy powerslam and Singh puts his feet on the ropes for the three. They brawl after and Edge wins the brawl but not the match.

Wonder why they never pushed this guy?

 

[Chris]

I'm very excited for the 99 rumble, it's my favorite bad one

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #634
Tiger Ali Singh vs. Gillberg
WWF No Mercy UK - May 16, 1999​

And his second PPV singles match was also on a UK show! Why waste UK PPV time on Tiger Ali Singh? Surely they've got better things to offer?

Same old shit. Same music, same promo being cut on the UK. Same calling everyone racist. Out comes Gillberg for a long entrance. "It's a real chant, it's not being piped in" -JR, while the Gillberg chant is being piped in. He gets smoked out by his own smoke machine as usual. Also he's the current Light Heavyweight Champion, which is absolutely damning.. Gillberg starts teeing off and gets some shots, but gets gorilla pressed by Singh. Singh misses an elbow drop and gets slammed. SPEAR! Instead of going for the Jackhammer, he plays to the crowd. Singh kicks him in the shins (which he no-sells) and does a neckbreaker for the win.

A waste of time.

 

[Samoa Looch]

A waste of time.

Tiger Ali Singh's run in a nutshell.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #622
Eugene vs. The Calgary Kid
RAW Contract on a Pole Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 10, 2009​

That wasn't the only thing that happened on that RAW, though. Aside from Swoggle's first loss, we also got the origin of Shawn Michaels in a chef's hat that has been exploited by NXT fans everywhere 15 years later... and we got this match. The story is that the Miz got banished from RAW as a result of a loss last week. Which means we've got an open spot on the RAW roster! So it's a Contract on a Pole match between the returning Eugene and the unknown Calgary Kid. And since it's a Eugene match it's pretty much guaranteed to fit here.

Jobber entrance for Eugene. He offers a handshake with the Kid, but Kid distracts him and tries to climb the pole. Rock Bottom and People's Elbow from Eugene, but Kid rolls to the apron and struggles a bit with Eugene on the top rope. Kid uses a headbutt to bring Eugene off and suddenly grabs the contract. He picks Eugene up... and hits a Skull-Crushing Finale! Of course, it's the Miz, who wangled himself back on to the roster!

It sure was a moment! Zero to say about this one, very little wrestling here. Eugene got fired quickly after this, because, and I quote, "we're not selling fat old Eugene". No one wants to see fat old Eugene? Tell that to the people of Aberdeen this October! They'll get hyped for him and no mistake!

If I recall correctly, after Eugene left WWE in 2007, he returned to Ohio Valley Wrestling, which had a TV show airing in Cincinnati where I live, and when he returned they showed footage of him appearing in OVW as Eugene then suddenly woke up on a couch in OVW office and it was suggested that his entire WWE run and the Eugene gimmick was all a bad dream.