Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #682
Goldust vs. Stardust
WWE Fastlane - February 22, 2015​

Cody vs. Dustin. The Rhodes brothers battling it out. A match that has the potential to be really intense, emotional, and memorable. And it was all those things. Unfortunately, the year that it was all those things was 2019, and we're 4 years before that. What we get is two guys in face-paint gimmicks (and Cody in particular was not doing at all well in his). Let's see why this is viewed as one of the lowest points of 2015.

Stardust is weirding it up and not even in his full body suit. He's in his regular tights with opera gloves. He goes to hiss in Eden Stiles' face, to make her wonder why she married him. A couple of lock-ups and shoving matches, which Stardust really oversells. He then panics when the crowd starts chanting "Cody". Another staredown. OVW Rope Running Thing. Stardust counters a hip toss into an armdrag. More staring. More struggling when the crowd calls Stardust by his real name. Goldust hits an inverted atomic nutshot. Both guys counter holds when Goldust looks like he's about to go for a Curtain Call but Stardust slips out. Stardust looks like he's about to do something but Goldust counters into a backbreaker and sends him to the outside to mope about the "Cody" chants.

They have a bit of a slapfight, Goldust sets up Shattered Dreams, but Stardust escapes. He then gets the boot up for Goldust's flying nothing. Stardust does some generic heat before taking it TO THE OUTSIDE to charge his brother against the apron. On goes a bodyscissors and Stardust briefly tries to roll into a pin. He hits a front suplex, tries a boot on the chest pin, but it doesn't work. He cartwheels to show off that he still remembers... Team Rhodes Scholars, I guess. Time for some generic Stardust heat, attacking the ribs. He keeps asking who someone's favourite is. The crowd doesn't really care. Goldust fights out of a waistlock but misses a back elbow. Cross Rhodes countered by Goldust, who gets a crucifix pin... for the three?? It's not really clear. Cody has his shoulders up ON CAMERA but the ref calls it anyway. Nice botch.

Incredibly generic match for the most part, and then a botched finish. The wettest of farts.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #683
Ryback (c) vs. Big Show
for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
WWE Money in the Bank - June 14, 2015​

Today's theme will be 2015. As it's a year I've noticed I don't have much from, despite it being the Year of Roman Reigns. Actually, 2016-18 were also the Years of Roman Reigns. And 2020-24 and beyond. We're in the Reigns Era. But we're not talking about Reigns, we're talking about Ryback! He won the IC Title in that Elimination Clusterfuck, and now his opponent is friend of the thread, Big Show! Three quarters of a Dave star, and 2.38/10 from the hivemind. This'll fit right in here.

Oh, and Miz is on commentary, because he's always been around the IC Title scene. "It's Feeding Time" -Ryback, before he feeds all over the place. Ryback with the spinebuster right off the bat and then the Meat Hook (he hits hard!). He calls for the Shell Shocked early but Show fights out. Ryback clotheslines Show TO THE OUTSIDE so he can attack Miz a bit. Back in the ring though Show can take control with a shoulderblock. And so we get standard Show offence (one open hand slap per year). Ryback tries to fight back but gets shoulderblocked. He manages to get the boot up on a corner charge.

Chokeslam teased but Ryback puts on an incredibly unexpected ARMBAR! I didn't know he could even do that. Even with his big arms it takes Show a while to force a rope break. Ryback suplexes the giant before getting two with a Warrior splash. Meat Hook teased again but Ryback runs right into a chokeslam for two. Show's lining up Literally Just A Punch, Ryback ducks and tries Shell Shocked, but Show shoves him off and punches him right out of the ring. Miz wants to try things with Ryback but Show scares him off... until he attacks both men with his mic and fucks off. "Thank you Miz" chant for causing this mid match to end.

Because it was absolutely mid. It had the neat spot of Ryback getting an armbar but that's it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #684
Ivory (c) vs. Jacqueline vs. Miss Kitty vs. BB
Swimming Pool Evening Gown Match for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF Armageddon - December 12, 1999​

I'll be honest - I've not got it in me to do every single "bad" match in the WWE-sphere before the Network archives vanish for good. But I have to try. I have to. And thankfully Armageddon 1999 clumps three "bad" matches together in a row. Out of... four on this night. So... let's watch a demeaning spectacle! Four women, four evening gowns, two referees (Mae Young and Moolah) and one swimming pool, for one WWF Women's Title. God have mercy.

JR and Lawler speculate on how Miss Kitty doesn't wear underwear. She shoves Jacqueline into the pool early. Then BB and Kitty start scrapping before the biddy refs shove both into the pool. Completely off-screen, by the way, making it sound unreasonably like Ivory got a pop. Then they drag Ivory in. Crowd's changing for puppies already, and they get it quickly after everyone gets together to strip Jacqueline. Ivory and Kitty both try to drown BB, and they quickly rip off the gown to reveal BB's DDs. Ivory comes out and tries to rip off BB's bra too, but Kitty drags her in. Crowd BOOS Kitty for denying them breasts. Back in the drink, with some bizarre writhing. An eye rake lets Kitty damage Ivory's gown, and she finishes it quickly afterward. Then she grabs the mic, promises she'll get naked after all. In the most famous moment on this show she gets 'em out for everyone to see. Mae Young threatens to strip too before Sgt. Slaughter comes out to clear her away.

It just wasn't wrestling, in any shape or form. Absolute garbage.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #685
The Holly Cousins vs. Rikishi/Viscera
WWF Armageddon - December 12, 1999​

That last match wasn't even dignified with a Dave rating, but this match got minus 1 star! Bob and Crash were famously pretending to be super heavyweights at this time, so they're up against some REALLY big dudes: Viscera and not-heel-yet-but-having-recently-run-over-Austin Rikishi! Oh, this match stinks just by looking at it.

All the entrances get some absolutely abject silence, even Rikishi's. Crash tries to sunset flip a larger man and gets sat on. Banzai Drop teased to finish but Bob gets a forearm from the outside. Rikishi does a back splash and a belly-to-belly. Vis doesn't want to tag initially but eventually he does. "I didn't think they'd get back together" -Lawler on Rikishi's ass cheeks. Vis uses a release chokeslam that drops Crash right on his neck. He slams both Hollys, tries to go for a splash, but they both roll away. Now Bob getting offence, downing the sphere with a dropkick. They're using double team stuff now. Crash tries to sunset flip a larger man, and despite Bob's attempts to help, Vis pretty much crushes Crash's entire face with a leg drop.

Rikishi in with forearms everywhere. Pop-up cutter by Crash, then Bob hits a DDT but it has no effect because LOL SAMOAN. Rikishi Driver to Crash. Bob's about to do a move, Vis comes in with a wheel kick, but hits Rikishi by mistake. This lets Bob get the pin in a really flat, random finish. The two big boys clash and brawl to the outside.

Pointless, clueless, and pretty reckless with the way those fat fucks were dropping their bodies on the Hollys.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #686
The British Bulldog (c) vs. Val Venis vs. D'Lo Brown
for the WWF European Championship
WWF Armageddon - December 12, 1999​

What a random match, and then again, what a match that could only be in 1999. Three lads scrapping for a fourth-tier belt. This got minus half a star from The Dave and I'm pretty sure I know why. Because it wasn't good. Let's go.

D'Lo gets the only reactions during the entrances. Jeans Bulldog comes out with the Mean Street Posse but the ref (Teddy Long) sends them to the back. If there were any justice he'd find two babyfaces in the back and make it a TAG TEAM MATCH playa. Bulldog is famously incapable of moving at this point so naturally Val and D'Lo are doing most of the work. Val goes TO THE OUTSIDE to sell some Bulldog forearms then D'Lo comes flying with an almost Undertaker-like over the ropes dive. Back in the ring, OVW Rope Running Things end in Val powerslamming D'Lo for two. Elbow drop but Bulldog breaks up the pin. BACK TO THE OUTSIDE for the most mindless of BOTO! JR says Val "goes limp" on the steps, but Lawler makes the requisite cock joke before I can.

Now Val gets punched a few times by the other two. The temporary alliance breaks and D'Lo punches Bulldog out for a rest. A bit of a botch by D'Lo when he tries a springboard thing but slips off the ropes. Leg drop by Val gets two. Instead of going for the Money Shot after a suplex, Val drags Bulldog back in for a meeting-of-the-minds spot. Bulldog's soon just standing around while the other two punch each other, but they both attack him. Double hip toss spot but Bulldog doesn't rotate all the way so he lands on his neck. D'Lo baits Val into thinking it's a double headbutt spot, stops in his tracks, and elbow drops both opponents. He's great. He's wasted in this match.

Bulldog has to be tossed outside AGAIN because he's fooked. Again. D'Lo goes up top but gets crotched. Val tries a superplex but D'Lo counters into a sunset flip powerbomb... Bulldog breaks up the pin! Bulldog starts stand-up brawling with D'Lo, and Val helps to eliminate D'Lo from the offing. Really shitty, sloppy spinebuster for two. Val dropkicks D'Lo away. Running powerslam, but D'Lo puts Val on the bottom rope. Crowd is right behind the Real Deal. Bulldog's down (despite Val's attempts to distract) and D'Lo goes Lo Down, but Val comes in with a Money Shot on top of both of them, pinning Bulldog to take the title!

Pretty nice finish and D'Lo is cool, but... nah. Too many sloppy things and botches, and Bulldog was completely useless.

 

[Death By Looch]

Entry #681
Kane vs. Big Show
WWE Monday Night RAW - May 8, 2006​

"That one time" Kane decided to do wrestling holds... it's this match. A match that takes place against the backdrop of the May 19 thing, where they were trying to hard sell Kane's shitty horror movie. And they chose to sell it with a mat wrestling match between Kane and Big Show. This can't go well. Let's watch.

You know Show's the face because he's unnaturally smiling. Kane won't accept a handshake, but will take a fist bump. Code of Honour! Sort of. Exchange of waistlocks and Show tries a front chancery. Kane gets a headlock, and the OVW Rope Running Thing ends in a clash, and then Big Show does a DROP TOE HOLD! He does the "fancy footwork" taunt. TEST OF STRENGTH where Show overwhelms Kane, Kane fights back, but takes a FIREMAN'S CARRY TAKEOVER! Show ROLLS OUT OF A HAMMERLOCK!! And trips Kane for two! An exchange of hammerlocks. This is like watching a Japanese match, except slower and with 300 extra pounds.

Another drop toe hold, and then more hammerlocks. The crowd is too confused to even get a "boring" chant started properly. Show goes for a corner charge but Kane trips him. To the top rope goes Kane, presumably to hit a Blockbuster or something, but the lights turn red and the May 19 voice comes back. This makes Kane go mental and hit Show with a chair for the DQ. Kane walks off as there's 500 pounds of injured giant on the mat.

Honestly, you have to see this match. It's obviously not good, but it's so bizarre to see Kane and Show doing actual wrestling moves.

I love and adore this match. Absolute must-see entertainment.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #687
Big Show (c) vs. Big Boss Man
for the WWF Championship
WWF Armageddon - December 12, 1999​

Finally, we get to a World Title match which obviously didn't main event. Big Show was such an obviously dogshit replacement for Austin as champ, and he didn't even have a decent feud going. It was a feud with Big Boss Man over Show's dead dad. This has been remembered as one of the weakest ever WWF Title matches. Does it earn that rep? Well, obviously. Let's watch.

Boss Man is out with his Hardcore strap and Prince Albert. And a mic, where he mocks Big Show for having a fake dad and calls him a bastard. Show's mostly dragging Boss Man around by his jacket. He hits a jumping (tripping mostly) forearm. TO THE OUTSIDE where Albert comes in and Show no-sells him and chokeslams him through the Spanish table. Boss Man uses the steps to down Show for a bit. He breaks the count to continue the BOTO, ramming Show's head into the ring post. He's got to drag the big bastard into the ring to actually win the title though... and when he does, Show tosses him right off, gets up (he's Showing up!), big boot, chokeslam, done.

A complete TV match with absolutely nothing worth remembering in it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #688
The Godfather vs. Mideon
WWF No Mercy - October 17, 1999​

I've made no secret of how this thread was inspired by the great (and sadly recently defunct) Worst in the World blog, which is also searching to find the worst match in history. And in my desire to get all the important bad matches out of the way before the Network dies, I've decided today to scroll up from the bottom and go from there. That's why I did the swimming pool four-way from Armageddon '99... and that's why I'm doing a match that's also on this show! Between this, Heroes of Wrestling, and Halloween Havoc, October 1999 was a banner time for turds. And to start off... wow, they really did open PPVs with any old crap around this time, huh? Godfather vs. Mideon!

Godfather's way over, and Mideon comes out to silence. Godfather has control early with standing brawling. He hits a body slam and then a side kick. Ho Train teased but Godfather has to stop Viscera from handling the merchandise, and gets cliubbed from behind. TO THE OUTSIDE where Mideon slams Godfather and Viscera puts him back first into the apron. And Mideon chooses to work the back with... an elbow for one, and a chinlock. This is why I hate 90's wrestling. Sunset flip by Godfather for a visual pin because Viscera's distracting the ref. Mideon does a rope choke for a full five, which should surely be a DQ, but this just distracts the ref to let Viscera get a shot in. A boot choke does something similar. Crowd wants puppies.

Ho Train teased again but Mideon gets the boot up. MORE ROPE CHOKING! Mideon continues to distract the ref with more illegal chokes so Vis can get another shot. Godfather avoids a flying double axe handle. He does Hulk Hogan's finish sequence for two. Godfather tries a Vader Bomb but Mideon gets the knees up. TO THE OUTSIDE for BOTO. Mideon holds Godfather in the corner so Vis can attack but You Know This Spot. Now we get the Ho Train and roll-up for the win. The hoes pay the ref a visit afterward.

There was a match story here, but it was between two mediocre wrestlers I couldn't give a shit about.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #689
Ivory (c) vs. The Fabulous Moolah
for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF No Mercy - October 17, 1999​

And here's the match I came here for. Ivory vs. Moolah. A minus one star duffer according to Dave. And I wonder why that could be? Pretty obviously because the politicking, pimping, women's-wrestling-ruining witch is 76. Seventy six. Seven tens and six ones. That's far too old to be wrestling at all, let alone for a title. Why is this match even happening? Why was she the champ when she was 64 back in the Hogan era? I think we know the answer.

Can you believe it's the sixth Ivory match we've taken in, and yet only the second where she was in actual wrestling gear? She starts with a dropkick on Moolah from behind. Ivory keeps hitting moves and going for pins, and Moolah only moves to kick out. She then goes on the offensive with hair-mares. Ivory tries a corner charge but Moolah gently gets a knee up. She misses a bottom rope splash and Ivory tries a foot-on-the-ropes pin. Why do you need a foot-on-the-ropes pin on this geriatric?? Ivory clears out Mae Young and tries a suicide dive on Moolah... she completely whiffs, gets zero distance, misses Moolah entirely. Time for BOTO, where Moolah sends Ivory into the crowd. She goes for a splash but mostly misses again. Moolah is not catching. Ivory tries a belt shot but Mae Young interferes and takes the bullet. Moolah rolls Ivory up and takes the title FUCK OFF.

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Awful booking married to a 76-year-old attempting to wrestle.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #690
The Rock vs. The British Bulldog
WWF No Mercy - October 17, 1999​

And now we move on to Jeans Bulldog having to work a singles match. That can't end well. He's in such an awful state at this stage of his career. This is around the same time of the dog shit match (I have to write about that one too). This isn't about dog shit, but it'll be dogshit.

Typically, we start with stand-up brawling before going directly TO THE OUTSIDE! Bulldog doesn't have a thing in the ring, so obviosuly he's got to resort to BOTO. He uses a chair right in front of the ref's face, but no DQ is called. Rock manages to reverse a whip and send Bulldog into the steps. Bulldog gives Snake Eyes on the announce table. Back in the ring, Bulldog uses a knee for two. More stand-up brawling, and Bulldog takes a really stupid upside down bump on the corner and lands on his neck. Rock does his neckbreaker for two. Bulldog hits a stalling suplex for the same result.

Time for a minute-long chinlock. Arm-drop routine, but Rock recovers and immediately gets right up. Fireman's carry takeover for two. Ref tries to stop Rock's beatdown in the corner so the Rock bumps him for no good reason, letting Bulldog hit a low blow. Rock's in the Andre rope tangle, and Bulldog goes for a big boot, but Rock gets out and Bulldog hurts his knee on the rope. Rock hits a DDT for two. Bulldog hits his powerslam to zero reaction, but Rock has his foot on the rope. He counters an attempt at the other. Crowd suddenly wakes up for the Rock Bottom and People's Elbow to finish it.

Very typical 90's match, but worse because Bulldog is immobile.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #691
The Tuwaiq Trophy Gauntlet Match
WWE Super ShowDown - February 27, 2020​

Leaving 1999, we head to 2020 for the remainder of the rubbish at what is thankfully the last ever show called Super ShowDown. And much of it's contained in this gauntlet match. Weirdly, Dave rated the parts of this gauntlet separately. In order, they are: 1.75*, 1.25*, 0.25*, DUD, NR. Sounds like something that gets worse over time to me! Let's see how, as we go into the first and last match ever to be contested for the "prestigious" Tuwaiq Mountain Trophy.

Bobby Lashley vs. R-Truth

At least the Saudi crowd know how to respond to Truth. Lana appears at the entrance way (wearing a shopping bag) then immediately hides because Saudi Arabia is "beautiful and progressive". Commentary's burying Truth's chances from the start. Lashley keeps it basic, with an extended side headlock. An OVW Rope Running Thing ends in Truth hitting a headscissors takedown. Lashley charges Truth off the apron, then TO THE OUTSIDE to put him into the barricade. Back in the ring, it's all Lashley in the corner as in the middle. Stalling suplex gets two. An extended headlock, and Truth gets a sleeper of his own.

Truth starts rallying and does a John Cena shoulderblock but Lashley counters. Dominator teased... clothesline ducked! We're back to the sequence of Truth's childhood hero John Cena! Protobomb, Five Knuckle Shuffle. He can't lift Lashley for the AA but gets an enzuigiri. Flatliner by Lashley, who's lining up a spear, but Truth ducks and Lashley collides head-first with the apron. Was that a Goldberg reference? Anyway Lashley falls over Truth, who pins him for the three. Truth beats Lashley by complete accident. Thank goodness for the Hurt Business to revive this man's career, because this has to be a low. Lashley attacks Truth post match, sending him To The Outside and bashing him into stuff shoulder-first. A spear leaves Truth a sitting duck for the next guy...

Andrade vs. R-Truth

Speaking of things that were irrelevant at the time, the United States Championship! Andrade attacks the arm, including with an armbar over the ropes. Rare good rest hold follows, with Andrade barring the arm and putting a knee in Truth's neck. Andrade stomps in the corner to set up for his running knees for two. Truth tries to fight back but is overwhelmed. Hammerlock DDT teased, but Truth rams Andrade into the corner. Andrade pulls the corner pad down for another knee, but Truth ducks and Andrade tumbles over the corner. Andrade beats the count, thankfully. Truth rallies, hitting the Lie Detector and a clothesline with his good right arm.... a clash of heads leads to a double down, and Truth falls on top of Andrade for the three! He's comedy-ing his way through the roster!

Erick Rowan vs. R-Truth

Rowan's accompanied by his mysterious pet (a plastic spider) and naturally dominates. He corner splashes and slams Truth, then hits an elbow drop. After some forearm clubbing by Rowan, Truth gets his feet up on a corner charge. Rowan's sent over the top and Truth dives out! Rowan headbutts Truth in the shoulder and dropkicks him into the steps... which knocks over the cage. This makes Rowan angry and he starts bashing Truth's head into the steps. He then uses the steps as a weapon which gets him DQ'd. Truth has three wins in a row in the most pathetic way possible! Rowan brings Truth into the ring for a claw slam before taking his leave.

AJ Styles vs. R-Truth

Okay, can we end this Truth charade now? Crowd loves the ostensibly heel AJ. He's mocking Truth and styling on him, even fitting in a floss (oh yeah, this was Dance Break Truth. 2019-22 was an awful time). He occasionally hits moves, but he's just making a farce out of this match otherwise. Meanwhile Truth is just lying on the floor, completely helpless. He's got one arm, one leg, and basically no head. Just when you think this is going to be a Tortoise and the Hare situation, where AJ's lack of clinicality costs him, he puts on the Calf Crusher and quickly makes Truth tap. That was a poinless first two thirds of this match. One entrant left!

AJ Styles vs. Rey Mysterio

Oop, no, he's not coming out. AJ's looking happy with himself, because the OC are attacking Rey backstage. Rey can't complete so AJ grabs a FUCKING MIC and declares himself the winner, demanding his hand be raised and the bell be rung. Ref gives Rey a count of ten to come out. Crowd chants for Undertaker briefly during this. I guess they know better than most people not named Vince McMahon, because cut to the back and the OC are crocked!

AJ Styles vs. The Undertaker

I'm counting Taker's entrance as starting from when his boots were visible during that cut to the back... which means Taker Entrance Watch has this colossal waste of time as 4 minutes and 49 seconds. That's longer than all but one of the mini-matches in the gauntlet! Including this one, as Taker gives AJ one chokeslam (a completely fresh AJ mind you, as Truth did nothing) and that's it. Taker takes so long to leave the ring and look at his new "prestigious" trophy that they replay the moment where AJ got buried on two separate occasions.

This sets up the Boneyard Match at Mania 36, which turned out to be good despite (or indeed because of) the pandemic restrictions. This match, however? Garbage. R-Truth gets beaten up, wins by accident, long entrance, repeat. Then AJ saves us, but oops, he's got to take a fall to the Oldman Deadman to set up a match that will never happen under the form they planned it. And it was just so overly long. Total time of this segment, including the entrances, going by the timestamps on the WWE Network? From the explanation of the rules to the moment they cut to the back for the New Day to hype up their tag title defence against Miz and Morrison... 41 MINUTES AND 22 SECONDS. And it felt every second of it.

 

[Chris]

Fever dream match

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #692
Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Ricochet
for the WWE Championship
WWE Super ShowDown - February 27, 2020​

We've seen three of the four turds that Super ShowDown '20 dropped on the wrestling world, now here's the fourth! The ending of what I'm calling the "burial era" of Brock Lesnar. He does fit in some burials at the start of 2022, but this is largely the end of that block of his career. Empty finisher spam and none of his opponents comes out with their credibility intact. Unless they're named Roman Reigns. Bork already has a title defence against Drew McIntyre set up for Mania 36, but he's got to beat a career midcarder first! This looks like it should be a good matchup of speed vs. power, athlete vs. athlete... but Vince doesn't give a shit about that, and neither does Lesnar.

Ricochet tries a dropkick but Lesnar just swats him away. I'll take commentary's word for that because the camera misses it. Ricochet puts his absolute ass into selling every one of the Suplex City suplexes. Lesnar slowly wanders over and hits one F-5, and it's over. Not even three F-5s in a row, like actual main eventers get. Just one.

• Time of Ricochet's entrance: 1:45
• Time of Brock Lesnar's entrance: 1:47
• Time of the ring introductions: 1:42
• Time of Brock Lesnar vs. Ricochet match: 1:31
• Time for the fans to realise this era of WWE is bullshit: 0:00.001

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #693
Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman
for the vacant WWE Universal Championship
WWE Crown Jewel - November 2, 2018​

Speaking of Bork in Saudi Arabia... we've got this! When we last visited Crown Jewel 2018, it was for DX vs. Brothers of Destruction! But the critically derided show was also notable for two things, one of them being this. BRAAAAAUN vs. Bork for the (red? blue? I forget which it was at the time) belt, after Roman went away to beat cancer again. Let's see if it can be slightly better than Bork vs. Ricochet, shall we?

Out comes Constable Corbin. For these Bork matches I'm going to start counting entrance times for everyone, just for comparison's sake, if you don't mind. Anyway: Corbin takes 1:26 to come out and admire the red (so it was red) belt, from when his name is announced to when his music fades out for Lesnar's music. Lesnar, who takes 1:47 to finish his entrance, is outsped by both Corbin and Strowman at 1:35. The ring introductions go 1:02, and Corbin coming in to hold up the belt takes an extra 0:27... before he blasts Braun in the back of the head with it! Of course Corbin is here to provide shenanigans!

As the match begins, Lesnar hits an F-5 and Strowman kicks out at two. This happens twice more. Groan. Lesnar seems to be going for a fourth after that, but instead decides to toss Strowman out, sensibly deciding winning by count-out might be the best option given that there's no championship advantage with the vacant title. Strowman rolls in to beat the count. Lesnar tries to go for another F-5. Strowman rallies for about five seconds before Lesnar hits that one last F-5 to win the belt. For an official match time of 3:15. Which is roughly as long as Lesnar's post-match celebration, for the record.

So there's abouuuut 12 minutes in this, only 3 of it being match. And that match is complete farce. Lesnar hitting the same move multiple times in a row, Braun getting a boot up, Lesnar hitting that move again and winning. I know Roman being unavailable screwed around with your plans, Vince, but make it a little less obvious. This match benefitted nobody, achieved nothing, actively made the business worse. I can think of nothing better for a new entry in the Bottom 25.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #694
Dolph Ziggler vs. Shane McMahon
WWE World Cup Tournament Final Match
WWE Crown Jewel - November 2, 2018​

Aside from the burial of Braun and the horrid DX vs. Taker/Kane match, Crown Jewel 2018 was dominated by the World Cup of wrestling. A World Cup with eight participants, all of them born in the USA. And the final features someone who didn't even participate. How? Let's find out.

So Shane comes out first, getting a full entrance to stand alongside Corbz (who is still there from earlier). This is meant to be Ziggler vs. Miz, and Miz isn't happy with Shane. Ziggler (this is the era where his music is a record scratch, which is somehow worse than the sound of getting his dick out that he uses in TNA now) is out with Drew McIntyre. Drew's sent to the back, at length, and this takes a while. Miz attacks Ziggles before the bell and goes TO THE OUTSIDE to continue the beatdown, but his right knee (kayfabe) gives out. You know it's kayfabe because he tries to fight through it. Shane takes this as just cause to not only declare Miz unfit to compete, but to enter himself into the match. Sweaty thumb in street clothes is fighting to be the Best in the World. Okay then.

Shane comes in on a (rather beaten-up) Ziggler with his trademark shitty punches. He does a back elbow and jives about to celebrate. Corbin trips him so the ref sends Corbin to the back. Meanwhile Michael Cole is in full-on obnoxious 2011 heel mode because he's on RAW and the heel representative is also on RAW. Zig Zag but Shane kicks out at two. Ziggler's attacking with eye rakes as the Saudi crowd chants "this is awesome", not knowing what the word "awesome" means. Shane rallies and hits his go-behind DDT. He uses a catapult which Ziggler sells like a maniac, just like we love. Coast-to-Coast, and it's over. Shane is the Best Wrestler in the World. Never forget that this started as a BABYFACE gimmick. This is what you're wishing for when you fantasy book Shane in AEW, people. Shit like this.

A pure shenanigans match. At least Ziggler tried.