Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #643
Melina (c) vs. Ashley Massaro
Lumberjill Match for the WWE Women's Championship
WWE WrestleMania 23 - April 1, 2007​

The next year, it was at least for a title. Melina (who hadn't quite managed to piss off the entire locker room yet) vs. Ashley (who, I have to remind you every time she appears, wanted to be trained to actually wrestle but wasn't). A bunch of nicely-dressed woman (including ECW Vixen Trinity!) surround the ring. Fans are taking their piss breaks between the Battle of the Billionaires and Cena/HBK. Let's watch.

Melina comes out in one of those fluffy Russian headgears with a bunch of developmental guys pretending to take photos of her. Melina tries to roll out but the face Divas roll her in, and Ashley does a pretty awkward roll-up. Both women do a corner boot choke. ROPE CHOKING from Melina! She does a BIG SWING, and soon after, a surfboard variant. Ashley does a reasonable headscissors, but then a not-so-reasonable monkey flip. Then she misses an elbow drop and gets pinned for two. Ashley tries the VICTORY ROLL OF DOOM but Melina reverses with a bridge for the three! Post-match Ashley attacks Melina and it devolves into a million-woman pile-up. Mickie James basically doesn't get involved though.

Literally no reason for it being surrounded by women other than that last spot.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #644
Beth Phoenix/Melina vs. Ashley Massaro/Maria Kanellis
Playboy BunnyMania Lumberjill Match
WWE WrestleMania XXIV - March 30, 2008​

I'll be honest, I mainly did this because I was intrigued by the phrase "Playboy BunnyMania Lumberjill Match". A name like that tells you exactly what it's about and why you shouldn't give a shit about it. Fittingly, it's the piss break match after HBK/Flair and before Orton/Cena/HHH.

All the Divas come out to greet special Master of Ceremonies, Snoop Dogg, who drives out in a pimped-out golf cart down the loooooong runway. Snoop reads off a card to introduce the Divas who are lumbering for this match, and then the participants. That reminds me - this is also the start of a trend I particularly detest, which is the Women's Championship being thrown in to a meaningless tag match on the Grandest Stage. Beth Phoenix is the current WWE Women's Champion. She must be wondering what she's done with her life to deserve this. And Santino's out along with Beth, just in case one man to steal all the women's division's attention wasn't enough. Gotta say though, the feather boa works for him. Hollywood Santino? I'd love to book that.

We kick off with Beth and Ashley which is SUCH a huge mismatch. Ashley does manage to do a rana though. Maria is apparently a last-minute replacement for the injured Candice Michelle. She hair-tosses Melina out and gives her to the women to beat up (even Mickie James, who otherwise looks like she'd rather be anywhere else). Maria does a bronco buster for a decent pop. Ashley does an okay tilt-a-whirl headscissors and then a cornered facebuster. Beth gets a cheeky shot on the outside and sends Ashley to be beaten by the heels. Catapult into a... bearhug. Beth holds Melina up to hit a moonsault. Melina goes to Maria, who attacks and gets her tripped by Ashley.

The lights go out, improving the quality of the match. We get a temporary spotlight just as Maria gives Beth a hair toss. Crossbody for two. Glam Slam teased but Maria counters into a bulldog for two. Beth charges Melina on the outside by mistake, and Ashley crossbodies into the heel crowd! All the lumberjills are in one place as Maria has it won, but Santino pulls Maria off the pin. JERRY LAWLER GETS UP FROM THE CROWD and decks Santino. The distraction lets Beth get Maria with a Muscle Buster for the win. Post-match Santino comes in for the hug, taunts Maria, and gets clotheslined by Snoop Dogg. Santino and Maria kiss to end the segment.

Very typical "Shit Era" Mania women's match. You weren't supposed to care. Nobody half-asses, and Ashley and Maria (the lesser wrestlers of this match) put on decent performances by their standards, but... nah.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #645
Beth Phoenix/Mickie James/Gail Kim/Eve Torres/Kelly Kelly vs. Michelle McCool/Layla/Maryse/Alicia Fox/Vickie Guerrero
WWE WrestleMania XXVI - March 28, 2010​

And now we enter the second phase of the Shit Era of women's wrestling at Mania: the Meaningless Tag Team Match era! Although this will be short, as we've already covered the matches at Manias 27 and 28, and the only featured woman on the Mania 29 card was AJ Lee (who accompanied Ziggler and Big E). So just this, then the Vickie Invitational at Mania 30. Pop quiz for those of you who want to test yourselves: who were the belt holders at the time?

Spoiler: The right answer...

Michelle McCool was the Women's Champion, and Maryse was the Divas' Champion.

That wasn't fair. I wouldn't expect you to know that, especially since they're both just faces in the crowd here.

Heels enter to Michelle's music but faces enter to generic Divas music. Vickie in first, chest-bumping Gail Kim, which causes her to tag in to Beth. This leads to the delightful part of this match where all the faces attack Vickie in the corner, as she screams and doesn't sell. She screams at Kelly, who kicks her and does the K2 (step-up leg drop). Michelle comes in with Faith Breaker... jumping DDT by Mickie (that's not the finish because she didn't turn to hard cam)... Lay Out by Layla... Eat Defeat by Gail (which is badly botched)... French Kiss DDT by Maryse... Heartbreaker by Eve... Scissors Kick by Alicia Fox... Glam Slam by Beth! This is just a series of finishers.

Vickie is deathly afraid of what Beth has to offer, but Michelle attacks from behind. She guides Vickie to give the world's shittiest Frog Splash to Kelly (who has been down for a solid minute) and that's it... wait, no, Vickie's accidentally lifted Kelly's shoulder up. So she has to standing splash Kelly to finish it.

A minute of Vickie Guerrero screaming. A minute of Diva finishers. A minute of Vickie botching the finish. Neither of the champions figuring in said finish. Sounds about right.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #646
The Vickie Guerrero Invitational
for the WWE Divas Championship
WWE WrestleMania XXX - April 6, 2014​

Since Manias 27 and 28 have already been covered for their crimes against women's wrestling, it's now time to finish this off with Mania 30! And it's a 14-woman match, with one fall to a finish. Sure sounds like lazy booking! Another fun fact, this is the first and last time the butterfly belt was ever on the line at a Mania. Let's see who's involved in this one. And since everyone gets a jobber entrance except the champion AJ, let's do this in increasing order of how over they were at the time (just off memory).

• Rosa Mendes
• Aksana
• Eva Marie
• Emma
• Summer Rae
• Cameron
• Naomi
• Tamina
• Layla
• Alicia Fox
• Natalya
• Brie Bella
• Nikki Bella
• AJ Lee (c)

Would you believe me if I said the biggest debate was whether to put Rosa above or below Aksana? That's how irrelevant those two were. Anyway, pre-match Vickie gets on a step and screams about wishing the Divas good luck. Insincerely. Or maybe she just can't act. Everyone's kind of quiet as they've just watched the Undertaker's streak get broken.

AJ and Tamina are shoved in the middle and the rest of the women just swarm them. This is a very typical many-person match, as in it's pretty much impossible to follow. Summer Rae is the first to attempt a fall with a spin kick on Emma. Layla tries to crossbody two people at once, so the Bellas do a less good version of their double kneeling gutbuster. Natalya attempts to give a Sharpshooter to 3 women at once (I want to say Cameron, Rosa, and Foxy?) but Eva Marie rolls her up. Four snap suplexes at once. Crowd doesn't really care.

Emma's caught in a spider thing, but she gets out and does her crab dance and gives the Emmamite Sandwich. I like this character. Wrestling needs more low-intelligence dorks on the undercard. This begins the Cavalcade of Finishers: Scissors Kick by Foxy... superkick by Layla... Diva Drop by Aksana... Anvil clothesline by Natalya... La Peligrosa by Rosa... (yes I am having to look up all these names)... Rear View by Naomi... superkick by Tamina... Eva Marie just shoves Tamina because she doesn't know any actual moves and gets rolled out. Tamina then takes the kneeling facebuster/BRIE MOOOODE dropkick from the Bellas. They dropkick AJ off the apron then dive into the other 11. One guy tries to start a Holy Shit chant but fails.

The Bellas then realise they'll have to fight each other and stare down before going into a shoving match. Nikki hits the Rack Attack but Layla and Foxy get to gether to break up the pin. So much happens now. Foxy gets her sick tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Natalya eats a Samoan drop (Fijian drop?) from Tamina, who teases a Superfly Splash but Naomi knocks her off. Tower of Doom spot between Natalya, Aksana, and Naomi. On the outside everyone's falling over and AJ goes to Naomi, tilt-a-whirling into the Black Widow. With the amount she tilts and (indeed) whirls it makes me wonder if she'll try La Mistica instead. Anyway, that's the finish.

Meaningless booking, though there were a couple of neat points.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #647
The Sandman vs. Carlito
Singapore Cane on a Pole Match
WWE The Great American Bash - July 22, 2007​

This one struck me as odd when I saw it. A random pairing of wrestlers, given about as awful a reputation as some of the matches I've hated most in this thread. It's WWECW, of course, so it's mediocre at best, but surely not 1.18/10 on Cagematch bad?

One of those really sad WWECW Sandman entrances where he comes out to Generic Rock #5 wrapped in a crowd who couldn't care less. He walks the barricade to prove he can walk in a straight line. Carlito spits in Sandman's face to kick it off. They do the spot where they glance at the pole and race to it at the same time. Sandman does a hammerlock which is the most mat wrestling he's ever done. He back body drops Carlito out but he can't climb the pole. We establish a bit of a pattern. One guy does offence, tries to climb, the other guy stops him, does some offence, and then he tries to climb. Carlito keeps trying but Sandman drags him down, even while he's laid out on the mat. He keeps going for it. About three attempts later, Sandman's back to Standard Brawling. He dodges Carlito's back elbow and finally gets the Singapore Kane, misses the swing with it, and dies to one Backstabber.

Boring match with a nonsense finish. Sandman looks weak in defeat, whilst Carlito looks weak in victory.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #648
Jimmy Valiant vs. Wayne Bloom
AWA SuperClash III - December 13, 1988​

Our main show today is one that I've had my eye on for a while, and one of the least to survive the jump to Netflix. The last dying gasp of the territory era, AWA SuperClash III. A crossover with Memphis, World Class, and whatever David McLane was doing at the moment (oh, we WILL get to that). The headline match was Jerry Lawler vs. Kerry Von Erich to unify the AWA and World Class heavyweight titles, but of course, since it's promotions working together, we got a political fuck finish. The rest of the show was pretty weak too! To be fair, the first two matches on the card (one featuring an ultra-young Cactus Jack, and one being Jeff Jarrett vs. Eric Embry) were fine. The third one, though, is a Dave-approved DUD. Boogie Woogie vs. a Beverly Brother, let's go!

Bloom comes in like the proverbial house on proverbial fire but Valiant is barely selling. Valliant does his forearms, a back elbow, then an elbow drop for the... three? To be fair, Bloom kicks out at 3.1, but this feels pointless. Valiant scurries out of the ring as fast as his old ass legs can carry him so he can celebrate with fans.

Fans probably thought "what the hell was that?" and I do not blame them.

 

[Death By Looch]

Oh nice... that's the one Brian Zane reviewed a while back. This gonna be good. (Well... not that good for your sanity Sky, I'm afraid. I pray for you.)

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #649
"Iceman" King Parsons (c) vs. Brickhouse Brown
for the WCWA Texas Heavyweight Championship
AWA SuperClash III - December 13, 1988​

Next up is this clash between the creator of the Rear View, "Iceman" King Parsons, and Brickhouse Brown. A lot of people forget about Iceman these days, which isn't fair. Just because he wasn't one of the guys the WWF sniped. But nonetheless, this affair has divided opinion. Let's see who's right.

Oh hey, that's Gary Michael Cappetta doing ring announcing. I thought I recognised this voice. Iceman is strutting about but Brown shoves him. They do the OVW Rope Running Thing but Iceman is happy with his leapfrog and does a little jig, so Brown dropkicks him out of the ring and does a dance of his own. Out of a headlock, another series of rope runnings, which ends with Brown... giving an Unprettier to himself? Whatever it is, he turns it into a bridge pin for two. Time for Iceman to rest on the outside, after which Brown works another headlock. Though, visibly, the head is not locked at all. Another rope-running sequence ends in an Iceman hip attack!

Iceman's control sequence is pretty nice, consisting of a clothesline to the gut and a REALLY snappy snap suplex. Brown ducks one of his moves and gives a crossbody, but falls to some wind-up punches. Piledriver teased but Brown reverses, and he does some GREAT territory-style punches. Now it's all Brown, but the crowd isn't quite what it should be. Brown tries a crossbody but misses, hitting what seems to be a flying forearm instead. Pin, but Iceman gets a rope break. Brown doesn't notice though and celebrates like an idiot. While the ref is correcting him, Iceman enhances his fist with a foreign object and downs Brown for the three to retain.

Largely fine match with a finish that was both silly and botched.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #650
The Top Guns/Wendi Richter (c) vs. Badd Company (c)/Madusa
for the AWA World Women's Championship and AWA World Tag Team Championship
AWA SuperClash III - December 13, 1988​

This is a match that just baffles me. It's a match where the tag titles and the women's title are on the line at the same time. But it's under mixed tag rules. And the tag titles only change hands if a man pins another man, and the women's title only changes hands if a woman pins another woman. So, why have two matches in the same match? Did you really need time for that nothing ass Jimmy Valiant squash? Or what David McLane's about to show us (after this match and another one)? Just have two separate matches.

The heel team is a Diamond Exchange team so DDP is out to promo on Richter and introduce his team. This becomes an out-of-control brawl in 3 different corners in quick fashion before the faces whip all the heels into each other. Basically, they're just bullying Pat Tanaka early. Derrick Dukes does the incredible for the time high spot of a... slingshot shoulderblock. We get a VISUAL PIN a minute in because the ref is off scratching his ass. Extended wristlock by Dukes, then Tanaka comes inside out on a clothesline. Madusa tries to distract the ref on the outside so Wendi scraps with her. After a bit of Dukes shine, Paul Diamond gets a cheeky kick from the outside so the heel heat can begin. A ref distraction allows Madusa to get in the dreaded SLAP O'DOOM!

Diamond misses a charge so Dukes can tag in Wendi. She goes straight to Madusa who necks her on the rope. Madusa barely gets offence otherwise, even when she's avoiding Wendi's moves. It's certainly not a hot tag. Cold tag, I guess. Another set of three brawls begins. In the struggle, Madusa's got the edge, and she's setting up for one of her suplexes, with Tanaka going in with a crescent kick to Wendi, but You Know This Spot. Madusa's down and Wendi pins her for the three. Ref kind of messes up the count, not slapping the mat for three but calling it anyway. Post-match GMC announces the Top Guns have won the tag straps even though they very much aren't. They smack Madusa on the ass because BABYFACES!! Madusa buries the interviewer and splits with Badd Company. Some actual storyline on this show, wow.

Kind of a lame match honestly, and lost the plot at the end.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #651
Greg Gagne vs. Ron Garvin
for the vacant AWA International Television Championship
AWA SuperClash III - December 13, 1988​

In that last post I was going to ask "Do we need time for Greg Gagne?" but... it's the AWA. Of course we need time for Greg Gagne! He's an amazing wrestler who totally doesn't make me want to tear my own eyes out every time he steps in the ring! This is for Greg's vacant belt, which Garvin took off him and has now been vacated so he doesn't have to lose clean to give the title back to Greg.

After a lock-up we get an exchange of both men putting each other into the turnbuckles. Greg misses a corner charge and Garvin puts on a chinlock. In the first minute. Then after Greg gets his edge back and back body drops his opponent for two, he puts on a chinlock of his own. To be fair, he switches to a wristlock, but it's monotonous. Greg tries to sunset flip a larger man, but when Garvin tries to do a sit-out pin, Greg reverses it after all. Greg is "famous for the dropkick" according to commentary. You know, just like his fellow nepo baby Erik Watts was.

Greg works the arm for what feels like an age but isn't that long. They get into a punching exchange but Greg's punches are often... really not good. Garvin, as a heel, is effectively playing babyface. He even gets a pop going for a bite. Greg realises it's easier to make chops look good than punches. Commentary calls both guys out for being gassed after five minutes. Garvin grabs the ropes to dodge Greg's dropkick and gets a small package. Garvin grabs a flying Gagne and they slowly, awkwardly roll to the floor. After a bit of BOTO Greg comes in and Garvin doesn't, meaning Greg's reclaimed his title by count-out. Garvin gets a pop from using the sleeper post-match, and then Greg doesn't get that pop.

Shit match, shit finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #652
The POWW Lingerie Street Fight Battle Royal
AWA SuperClash III - December 13, 1988​

Okay, this is what I've been building up to. The AWA included this match from POWW, David McLane's lesser-known and worse follow-up to GLOW, featuring several GLOW alumni. And they're all in a battle royal for 10 grand! Where the way to get eliminated is either by over the top rope or by being stripped. Who've we got? Well, for pretty much all of these, I've got to remind everyone who they were with reference to their GLOW names. So, we've got...

• Bambi
• Brandi Mae (= Amy the Farmer's Daughter)
• Lori Lynn (= Colonel Ninotchka)
• Luna Vachon
• Malibu (= The California Doll)
• Nina (= Tina Ferrari; now better known as Ivory)
• Peggy Lee Leather
• Pocahontas (the only POWW Original in this match)
• The Syrian Terrorist (= Palestina)

Yep, only 9 women. What, he couldn't afford to pay the Lock to bring it up to an even 10? Anyway, all the women are scrapping early. David McLane is on commentary, and apparently Kevin Dunn is on production given how many cuts are happening and how much is being missed. "Did you see that neckbreaker?" -McLane, calling a neckbreaker we didn't see. Like most battle royals (battles royal), I genuinely have no idea what's going on. Lori Lynn is out first. You can tell the Syrian Terrorist is only kayfabe because you can see her hair. Pocahontas is out off-screen. Nina is eliminated shockingly early. Brandi Mae is de-shirted. Bambi and Peggy Lee get very close to doing some actual wrestling while Brandi Mae and Terrorist catfight.

Luna's been rope choked at some point. No idea. Bambi and Peggy Lee both get dumped at the same time while in a headscissors arrangement over the ropes. Brandi Mae and Terrorist both try to put Luna through the middle rope, as if this is a 2000s Divas battle royal! Luna goes up top but Brandi Mae punches her off and she takes an ACTUAL BUMP! Terrorist is out under the bottom rope, and Brandi tries to chase her. Why is this match still going? Brandi tries to win via stripping. Terrorist chokes Brandi with her shed stockings for a fucking eternity, then sends her over the top and boots her out. Terrorist celebrates and promos in a bad accent before ranting in pseudo-Arabic.

We've got a NEW ENTRY TO THE TOP 25, friends and others. It's all a matter of deciding how high this goes. A dreadful experience to watch, like a World War 3, but unlike a World War 3 this contained no actual wrestling. Like, I can count one genuine, properly attempted move, and it was when Peggy Lee Leather did a hip toss to Bambi once. Instead it was another demeaning strip-match spectacle that was won by a shitty stereotype. Sorry, Blindfold Cage Match, but your time is up.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #653
Sgt. Slaughter vs. Col. DeBeers
Boot Camp Match
AWA SuperClash III - December 13, 1988​

Now after that, we return to the regular level of bad with this! Over-the-hill Slaughter vs. an even more over-the-hill guy who played a white supremacist. Are you ready for punching?

DDP's waving the apartheid flag because I guess all heels are fine with racism. Slaughter goes at it with a riding crop for a bit until DeBeers punches him in the dick. Some woman in the crowd is chanting for DeBeers. INCREDIBLY OBVIOUSLY PIPED-IN BOOS ring out as DeBeers uses a belt choke. Seriously, go and watch the show, it's so blatant. DeBeers slowly stroll-and-brawls around the ring until Slaughter recovers and does the most geriatric-looking snapmare ever. Outside for some BOTO! Also a pin attempt, because for the first time a Boot Camp match is falls count anywhere. DeBeers hits Slaughter with a stanchion (today you learned: that's the name for the metal poles that support those ropes they use to make queue paths sometimes. Don't say this thread doesn't teach you anything).

For no reason, DeBeers breaks the count when there is no count. He puts on Slaughter's helmet and does some headbutts. DDP holds Slaughter up for one more headbutt but You Know This Spot. (Because I haven't elaborated on that in a while, for new readers I want to say that The Spot Which You Know is a spot where Heel 1 holds up Babyface to prepare for an attack by Heel 2, but Babyface ducks and Heel 2 hits Heel 1.) Slaughter clotheslines the helmet off DeBeers, and now he's using it as a weapon. Clothesline and Cobra Clutch. DDP can't interfere but he calls for the save. Too late, though, as DeBeers is out and Slaughter wins. Adnan Al-Kaissie and the Iron Sheik both show up and deliver a 4-on-1 beatdown to Slaughter until the Guerreros show up for the save.

No actual blood until the beatdown, no intensity, just two old men strolling about and occasionally hitting each other.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #654
Wahoo McDaniel vs. Manny Fernandez
Indian Strap Match
AWA SuperClash III - December 13, 1988​

I need a break, but I'll never get a break. Old man strap match time (after an obvious jump cut during Sheik's post-match interview). Though, to be fair, Manny Fernandez is only 34 (not quite Aging Bull yet). Wahoo does make it up, though, by being 50 and broken down.

Tatsumi Fujinami, the current IWGP Heavyweight Champ, is here, and Manny Fernandez cuts a very Scott Steiner-esque promo. Now I want to rebook the 80s and make him Big Poppa Pump. Fujinami heps Wahoo get a cheap shot in right after. Fernandez stalls on the outside before they get strapped up. Wahoo's using a length of the strap to lash his opponent, and for a cheeky little choke. Ref's making a count though... I don't want to think about a strap match ending in DQ. Fernandez gets some chops in and is now using the strap himself. He briefly attempts to touch one corner before going to a FRONT FACELOCK! One that ends in a ROPE BREAK. In a STRAP MATCH. During this spot it seems Wahoo has bladed.

Fernandez does some strap-loaded punches and some whips. Wahoo's crimson-masked as they exchange chops, and soon after Fernandez gets colour. Fernandez is down and Wahoo goes for the four corners. He gets to three but Fernandez punches him in his cock. A fist drop and second rope knee drop and Wahoo should be done. Fernandez gets three corners, but instead of going for the fourth, he goes up top for no reason. Wahoo drags him down, drops the elbow, and takes the full tour of the corners for the win. Post-match Fernandez attacks like a madman, bumps the ref, but then Fujinami comes back to clear the Raging Bull off! This all built to a future singles match that (1) didn't happen and (2) wouldn't have happened in the AWA anyway.

Not bad, especially by old man Wahoo standards, but absolutely not something to seek out.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #655
The Rock n' Roll Express vs. The Stud Stable (Jimmy Golden/Robert Fuller)
AWA SuperClash III - December 13, 1988​

Next up was the big title unification main event, but since it had a fuck finish, they figured they'd have to send the crowd home happy. They did this with... a tag match with nothing on the line.

They still haven't cleaned up the blood from Lawler/Kerry. We start with actual mat work between Ricky Morton and Jimmy Golden. OVW Rope Running thing that ends in a hip toss, and structure dies a bit before the heels run out to recover. Golden and Morton again, and both battle for a front chancery. Golden suplexes and bridges but Morton lifts out and suplexes too. Fuller tries to step in but hurts his own man. Morton whips Fuller to make him stinkface Golden! Golden needs some recovery time. Fuller and Gibson until Golden gets a cheap knee from the outside. The Studs' valet attacks Gibson and Morton tries to warn the ref to no avail. It seems like this'll be a match where Morton is the hot tag and Gibson is the face in peril. That's a rarity.

Golden puts on a bearhug, because Verne Gagne wishes it was still the 70s. Then Golden tosses Gibson over the top rope but the ref doesn't notice. The valet beats away with a kendo stick. An abdominal stretch with Fuller holding on for leverage is next. Gibson gets a kick off so Morton can get a hot tag. Tags go out of the window for a while and the RnRs get a double dropkick on Golden. Then the match just ends in a double DQ, because the ref lost control or something. The RnRs chase the Studs to the back.

This was supposed to send ANYONE home happy?? Oh well. At least I'm happy I don't have to watch this again.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #656
Konnan (c) vs. The One Man Gang
for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship
WCW SuperBrawl VI - February 11, 1996​

The WCW Never Ends. When you're seeking bad wrestling, you can never escape WCW. SuperBrawl VI featured some not-well-received wrestling, including this MINUS TWO STAR match. Been a while since we were on the Minus 2 train, huh? Konnan vs. Gang, let's go.

This was back when Konnan had a weird gladiator-like entry mask and shoulder pads. Gang kicks off by being a very typical big man of his era. That is, forearm clubs and stomps. "Don't let him explode all over you" -Dusty. Konnan attacks by taking out the legs and charging him against the ropes, which causes them to slowly stumble over the steel steps. Konnan does a flying shoulder tackle from the apron. Gang does an over-rope neck snap which leads to a Gang Heat Segment. Said segment is mostly him standing around over Konnan's body, occasionally applying a choke or a forearm club. Crowd is so quiet as to be absent. Gang's basically not selling in Konnan's hope spots either. Lame.

It seems like we'll escape the endless heatless heat when Konnan attacks the legs again, but no. WCW had an official motorsports driver in 1996 apparently. ROPE CHOKING!! Konnan escapes with punches, then goes to the corner and botches the setup for a headscissors. He then does a dropkick... wait, no, he falls on his back. What happened there? Was Gang out of position? Gang splash for two, but he pulls it up to go up top. Second rope splash misses, and Konnan goes up for a top rope rolling kick to down Gang for the three.

Dire. Gang was just a big dude who couldn't move at this point. Nothing Konnan did looked good, whether that be through botching or through Gang not co-operating. Crowd was dead, and who could blame them?