Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #363
The Monster Maniacs vs. Kevin Sullivan/The Butcher
WCW Clash of the Champions XXX - January 21, 1995​

When Hulk Hogan showed up, then-WCW bookerman Kevin Sullivan wanted to make it a place where he could thrive... and that meant turning the entire company into a hokey cartoon. Case in point: this match, with a particularly infamous spot. Hogan/Savage taking on two future Dungeon of Doom members. Let's go.

Wow, WCW had Michael Buffer already? Vader is in the crowd, to build to his future burial at the hands of the OmniHogan. So is Flair, telling the women on his arm how much of a geek Hogan is. Kicking off with Hogan vs. Butcher, in a re-run of the Starrcade 94 main event (which I have to watch before the Network dies... fuck). Lock-ups begin, until Hogan manages to whip Butcher in the corner. Now he begins to batter Butcher from pillar to post. Cornered ten punches and clothesline. In comes Savage for a double axe handle, and he shuts down Butcher and Sullivan 2-on-1. Hogan back in again for another double axe handle. Butcher begs for mercy but Hogan bites him. What a babyface.

Hogan topples Butcher with a boot for two. He could go for the leg drop before the pin, but... Butcher puts on his deadly SLEEPER that has Hogan down and out. No pin, no submission, but Butcher celebrates like he's won like a moron. While the heels' backs are turned, Savage goes up for a big elbow drop on Hogan.

Which WAKES him.

Because in WCW fairy-land, Hulk Hogan gets healed by no-selling his allies' finishers. I guess it makes sense in the context of Hogan Lore, he does come back after no-selling often enough, but... getting hit by SOMEONE ELSE'S FINISHER brings him back to life from being knocked out? I'll never understand wrestling. I'm aware there's several minutes more of this match, but I suddenly don't care what happens next.

And thus the murder of Butcher continues, with mounted punches that the ref complains about. Someone's got a whistle. Savage comes in for a double big boot. Sullivan gets a cheeky knee up meaning the heat segment begins. Savage is sent over the top rope, which was apparently still a DQ at this point. Hogan runs around inadvertently distracting the ref. Notice it's always Savage selling. Hogan's totally fine. Sullivan batters away at Savage in the corner. He and Butcher pull out a move where one has a hold of the neck and the other of the legs. I'll call it the "Spitroast" because it very much looks like a sexual act. Then some ROPE CHOKING because there is no God.

Savage's continuing to get murdered, staggering around the ring. Brawling on the outside from Sullivan. Dear fuck. Savage drags himself into the ring, tree of woe, and then the heels double team him. Occasionally Hogan tries to intervene but the ref stops him. "This is why we're number one" -because your main eventers stink of urine? Savage counters the sleeper with a jawbreaker and gets the hot tag to Hogan. After missing the first time. The heels are already begging for mercy from Hogan because he is Jesus, apparently. Both heels get beaten up. Flying elbow (why didn't it revive Butcher like it did Hogan?) and then a leg drop for the finish. Post-match, Vader comes in and powerbombs Hogan... which he gets right back up from, as if we haven't buried enough finishers tonight.

So stupid. So, so stupid.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #362
Tony Atlas vs. Ted Arcidi
WWF from Boston Garden - August 9, 1986​

They say wrestling in the 80s was a big man's game, and that means two things. Both that if you were small, you'd never get a chance no matter what you could do... and if you were big, you'd get the world handed to you no matter how incompetent you were. I'd say no match better embodies the second part than this. Ted Arcidi was a legit powerlifting record holder who was brought in as a replacement for Ken Patera (who was in prison for attacking a McDonalds, true story) and pushed despite being awful at everything. Tony Atlas was slightly better than Ted, in that at least he was kind of over sometimes. What happens when they clash? Let's find out in Boston!

You know it's an old match when Lord Alfred Hayes is on commentary. He buries Arcidi right off the bat by saying he's got no wrestling ability and wins off power. Staredown. Lock-up. Staredown. Lock-up. Staredown. Wristlock by Atlas. Commentary questions why both men are being allowed to wear their weight belts. Where was Lord Alfred during Hulk Hogan's WCW matches? The wristlock ends in a rope break. Test of strength spot! Or a "Grecian knuckle grip" as Lord Alfred calls it. It lasts a full minute and a half, with both men occasionally going to one knee, but it ends inconclusively on a rope break. The crowd is rapidly losing interest.

Lock-up again. Atlas shoves Arcidi, Arcidi throws a forearm, Atlas hits a headbutt that takes Arcidi off his feet for the first time in this match. They slam each other. By the way, you should mentally insert about 20 seconds of staredowns between each move. Gorilla says they're moving like they're on death's door. He then buries Arcidi's incredibly soft clothesline that Atlas sells for anyway. "That didn't hurt him, unless he somehow hurt himself falling down" -ACTUAL REAL QUOTE. Atlas hits an honest to goodness SINGLE LEG DROPKICK. They're in the corner and Arcidi goes for a SECOND ROPE BIONIC ELBOW! Crowd's even booing the Boston hometown hero at this point.

Arcidi motions for the BEARHUG (because the 70s never ended) but Atlas drags them to the ropes and they fall out. They lock up AGAIN, start gently tipping over barricades, and get counted out. Their lock-up continues even as they stumble over chairs (and crush a small boy's leg in the process). The Boston police can't separate them, but the ref can. Back in the ring, the announcer makes the result official. They're all mad and stuff, and toss away their weight belts. Begrudging handshake ends it, the crowd burying both men all the way.

Usually the logic of a double count-out is to make you want to see a more intense match in the future. This one did the opposite. It made everyone never want to see Tony Atlas or Ted Arcidi ever again. And both only had one televised match after this before they were gone. They went to Texas where they ran this feud back, by the way. Out of four of those matches, three ended in draws. No words are necessary sometimes.

Tony Atlas has one thing that cannot be overlooked.

Not sure about you but I can hear this GIF.

And yes, I'm ashamed to admit that I went down a rabbit hole and youtubed some Abraham Washington show segments thanks.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #364
Bray Wyatt vs. Kane
Ring of Fire Match
WWE SummerSlam - August 18, 2013​

Okay, I've been holding off on this one for a while. Both I and others felt it was too soon for a long time. But with the new Uncle Howdy stable making its debut and all, it seems to be safe, finally, to do this. So, it's time to talk about Bray Wyatt. A man with exceptional creativity whose every idea always seemed to collapse whenever it got in the vicinity of the WWE writers' room. Some say he shouldn't have been a wrestler. I'm not fully disagreeing with that, his concepts always seemed like they were too big and too interesting for wrestling, but that seems... disrespectful, in a way? This was what he loved. And sadly... what he loved often came out awfully on TV. It should have been clear that things would go wrong given that this was the first match. A silly gimmick. Let's begin.

Oh yeah, this is specifically a Ring of Fire match, not an Inferno match. It's a match with fire, but without the fire spot. It's like a scaffold match that ends with Capture the Flag. Also, holy SHIT early Wyatt Family was hype. It had the sinister vibe without spooky nonsense. Crowd gets hyped as a small lining of flames covers the apron. Kane starts with his standard brawling, and after he downs Bray, a big WHOOSH of flames comes out. A second one stops Harper and Rowan from approaching the apron. Bray nearly burns his foot, hits clubbing blows, goes for a suplex, but Kane reverses, and we get another burst of fire. Seems this happens each time Kane does a big spot. Is this meant to be his magic fire powers or something?

Kane misses a corner charge and Bray hits a corner charge and crossbody, earning his first fire burst of the match. He goes for the mask as a "We're on TV" chant rings out. Kane teases the chokeslam but Bray gets out. He still gets his fair dose of Standard Kane Offence. Do you like throat thrusts? We've got throat thrusts! After Bray gets a forearm club to send Kane down, he calls for a kendo stick but Harper only succeeds in setting the thing on fire. The distraction lets Bray walk right into a chokeslam! Rowan steals a fire extinguisher but fails to put the flames out. Chokeslam number 2. And now a third! Harper and Rowan get a fire blanket, smother the flames, and climb in to beat up Kane. "Undertaker" chants - wishful thinking, there. Elbow from Harper, splash from Rowan, and they hand Kane over to Bray for Sister Abigail and the win.

Very basic wrestling, and kinda problematic booking honestly! You essentially just made Bray look useless without his minions, have him murdered by three chokeslams. At this point I'm guessing there was no real plan for him to be around for the best part of 10 years.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #365
John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
Steel Cage Match
WWE Extreme Rules - May 4, 2014​

Ah, yes. After his acclaimed feud against Daniel Bryan, Bray got shuffled into the John Cena Feud: where momentum goes to die. To be fair, the Mania match where Cena won (even though he shouldn't have) was good. Their Last Man Standing match at Payback was really good. This... was not. In fact, it's the first of four Bray Wyatt matches to get WON's Worst Match of the Year! This managed to beat off matches like the young Gracies wrestling, Samuel Shaw vs. Mr. Anderson, and Naomi vs. Cameron. I'll be honest, 2014 was a pretty weak year for bad wrestling from what I can see. It had this match, though. Let's see if it earned its spot.

A classic Bray Wyatt entrance is such a beautiful thing, with all those fireflies. Also, Bray did more to raise awareness of "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" than any church group in the past 50 years. Bray takes the time to rattle the cage before relaying a message to Rowan and Harper. After a bit of a staredown Cena kicks things off with a headlock, Bray goes to the ropes, shoulderblock. Running the ropes until one of them does something (in this case, Bray with a forearm to the shoulders). OVW never died. Bray is the fans' favourite. Cena does get a whip, boot, and fisherman suplex. He tries to climb the cage but changes his mind when he sees Harper and Rowan watching, and turns right into a throat chop from Bray.

WWE noticeably briefly tries to reduce the lows of the crowd noise to make "Let's go Cena" sound louder than "Cena sucks". It doesn't work. Cena eats cage and Bray beats him up, grinding his face on the cage in specific ways that don't make him bleed. Rowan charges the cage wall from the outside, which is an awesome spot honestly. Bray conducts the crowd before hitting a splash on the cage wall for two. Bray tries to go out the door but Cena drags him back and catapults him into the cage. Cena tries to climb again, Harmer and Rowan meet him, he stalls for a bit which lets Bray follow behind. They brawl a bit on the top rope, eventually Cena's up but Bray crotches him and hits a body avalanche for two.

Bray dances Cena around the ring, which honestly? I have no fucking idea. Uranage for two. Sister Abigail teased, then AA teased, and Cena hits a pretty clean dropkick. Time to climb the cage for Cena... but Bray does his crab walk to the door. Cena has to intercept again (if only he'd done a normal walk, Bray would have won) and then a crossbody. Commentary thinks an "extortionist" is someone with a bendy body. This is just... so fucking dull. And it didn't need a four minute rest hold to achieve that. Just... a million bashes against the cage with the same failed escape spot over and over.

Boos ring out when Cena enters his finishing sequence. After the Protobomb, most heels would KILL for that level of heat. Five Knuckle Shuffle, AAA teased but Bray grabs the cage. So Cena hits a sitout powerbomb instead. He's about to walk out the cage but Rowan shuts the door on him. TEST OF STRENGTH BETWEEN CENA AND ROWAN, and naturally Cena's winning before Harper makes it 2-on-1. And then Cena's winning again until Bray wakes up. Rope hung... reverse Stunner? by Bray for two. Bray misses a senton and Cena climbs AGAIN. Rowan climbs the cage and pushes Cena back up and over the cage rim.

Cena hits a top rope bulldog for two. Climbs again, but this time Harper follows him and they're battling on top of the cage. Cena drags Harper in and tosses him off the rope. He tries to escape again as Bray opens the door... Cena kicks the door into Bray! Rowan with a chair stops Cena from climbing, and turns right into Bray's release suplex and senton for two. Another Sister Abigail tease, but Cena puts on the STF, and can I talk about how shit Cena's STF is? He doesn't lock the face at all. It's only really an ST. Bray drags himself to the door, breaks with the ropes.... Cena and Rowan do a tug of war with Bray. That's the kind of cartoon nonsense I'm fine with actually.

Cena wipes out Harper but gets wiped by Bray. Bray starts climbing... Cena follows with the top rope AA! Harper (still in the cage, remember) breaks the pin. Cena climbs yet again, Rowan goes to meet him. Cena pulls on the beard, then goes for a TOP ROPE FAMOUSER on Harper! He's got this, but lights out, and out comes the fourth member of the Wyatt family... CREEPY CHILD! Who sings "He's Got the Whole World" to Cena in a distorted low voice! This lets the match end with Sister Abigail before Bray walks out to congratulate the child.

Verdict? Yeah. That is the worst match of 2014 I've seen so far. But I'm sure there's something worse hidden in some forgotten corner of that year in wrestling. Overall, it was just dull with repeated same-old-shit Cena spots and a weird as fuck ending.

 

[Chris]

That match really made me lose a lot of hope even if the payback match ruled after

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #366
Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton
for the WWE Championship
WWE WrestleMania 33 - April 2, 2017​

As it turns out, for the next couple of years, Bray didn't have that bad a time. I mean, he sort of did, his booking stunk, but he didn't have awful matches. But as 2017 came along, WWE decided they wanted to do something different with Wyatt. Something altogether more SPOOKY. And stupid. This feud with Randy Orton was the first really bad sign of trouble. It had Orton burning down a house, and it had this! Let's see what happens.

Everything I said about classic Bray Wyatt entrances rings true ESPECIALLY now. The sheer volume of fireflies meeting Bray as he enters must have been breathtaking. Champ out first, by the way. Orton goes right for the Thesz press ground and pound, hits a few moves, teases the RKO, but Bray pushes off and leaves the ring. Orton follows and time for BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE!! They soon get back in the ring, and Bray uses a headbutt after running the ropes to down Orton. Bray does the upside down bend-back and that's the cue for MAGGOTS to appear. MAGGOTS I tell you. So is the lighting guy part of the Wyatt Family and helping with the mindgames? Or is wrestling just fake? I'll go with the second one.

Anyway, these maggots have forced Orton out of the ring. Clearly he thinks they're real. Staredown. Sister Abigail and RKO both teased, and Bray does a low crossbody or something. To the apron, where Bray looks like he's about to do a DDT but instead clubs Orton in the back. Body avalanche, then Bray poses again, and another projection! This time it's earthworms. It doesn't scare Orton away (he's still stunned), but does scare the ref. "I AM A GOD" shouts Bray. I guess he's the god of making projections happen, if not the god of winning wrestling matches. Bray hits his uranage and senton for a two-count.

Sister Abigail teased again, Orton gets a roll-up for two. Crowd is DEAD, and has been since the maggots. Orton's on the outside and Bray tries to splash him off the apron... Orton hits a dropkick, and does his knee in in the process. Bray hits Sister Abigail into the barricade! He chooses not to win by count-out. It's amazing how little wrestling is happening. Bray chases Orton to the other side of the ring but eats an RKO on the floor! This gets a two-count. Orton is doing his best emoting of "troubled by the weird projections". He's going for the punt but misses. Sister Abigail countered, Orton gets an Argentine backbreaker, then the Hangman's DDT. RKO countered into Sister Abigail for two!

Time for Bray to introduce another trick. He does his spider walk, and then crickets. That is, the appearance of crickets on the mat, not the sound of crickets. The crowd is actually making a sound, though that sound is of disgust and discomfort. Though it ultimately doesn't matter as Orton hits an RKO outtanowhere to win the match and the strap.

Honestly I'm just numb. The action was nondescript, though with some nice moments, but what we saw was what WWE thought of Bray, and what he eventually became. A guy who hides behind creepy smoke and mirrors and can't win a match to save his life. Sad, isn't it?

 

[Chris]

I think that's my least favorite bray match ever

 

[Rosie]

Honestly, I wish they just would have presented Bray as a bruiser in the ring who's mind games comes from stalking his prey, monologues, then his matches would have been compelling character-wise without needing to be SPOOKY MAGGOTS!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #367
Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt
House of Horrors Match
WWE Payback - April 30, 2017​

But if creepy smoke and mirrors is what you want, then creepy smoke and mirrors is what you'll continue to get! Because at Payback, not long after WM, we get the House of Horrors match! Which, amazingly, is the first WWE cinematic match in this thread! (Not the first cinematic match overall, because the Bath House Deathmatches exist.) This isn't actually Bray's first attempt at a cinematic match; there was a New Day vs. Wyatt Family segment/"match" on RAW, that was obviously ripping off the then-recent Final Deletion, but aside from the plagiarism, that was fine. This, however... well, you'll just have to wait and see.

But not before JoJo (god, I miss JoJo) explains the rules. The match will start in the House, and end in the ring, and the only way to win is by pinfall, submission, or forfeiture. Not forfeit - forfeiture. I guess you can't lose unless you have your land seized by the state. Cole, Graves, and Booker T commit the fool's errand of trying to analyse this match-up... before a jumpscare cuts them off.

Cinematic match on! And it's already pitch black. Which means either the house is somewhere far away from San Jose, California (5pm or so local time) and they're using supersonic travel to get to the SAP Center before this PPV ends... or this is just a pretape and wrestling is fake. I'll go with the second one. Orton rides up to the function, and he's clearly perturbed by the fact that this House of Horrors is lit in blue. "What the hell?" says Orton, clearly never having been outside in my neighbourhood on Christmas time. A tractor reverses up on its own. Bray's inside, and turns on the lights, and is just waiting for Orton to come in the door. But it's locked. So Orton has to kick the thing down.

In Bray's living room, there's flickering lights and a Spirit Halloween-tier skeleton. Finally Bray shows up, and the brawling begins. He whips Orton into a lamp while monologuing about how TOTALLY SPOOKY this is. Orton tries to walk through rooms, where he's treated to CREEPY effects. At one point Bray's hand bursts through a wall and grabs him. Orton makes it to a children's bedroom where, as is tradition in post-1990s horror, there's violently-murdered dolls hanging from the ceiling as baby talk plays. As a series of filters and effects continues to happen, Orton plucks a doll off the ceiling before Bray attacks him again. A brief scuffle sees Orton crash through a wall and Bray break a baby crib over him.

"WHERE YOU AT BRAY" shouts Orton as generic horror effects continue to happen. He flips a table. Then he walks into a red light room where there's a wooden sculpture and more mutilated dolls. I'm guessing this is some sort of reference, because there's nothing in it if it's not. We head to what turns out to be our final destination: the kitchen! "WERE HERE" says a gramatically incorrect dirty fridge. Bray and Orton start fighting again, and pots and pans get abused. Orton seems to have the upper hand and wants to drown Bray in the sink, but Bray kicks him right in the Viper. He crushes him under the fridge (which I'm guessing weighs about 300 pounds, or 1.25 Nia Jaxes. Why is that the comparison? Because both of them recklessly put you under dead weight).

Bray staggers out of the house, does his pose, and causes the blue lights to turn red. Is that the finish? No, it's not. Because they have to get to the ring. So, Bray gets in the limo back to the arena. Meanwhile, none of the camera crew even bothers to help Orton. For all we know, he's a bloody splatter on the kitchen floor. We cut back to the commentators, and the crowd is BURYING this until they turn down the audience mics. Moving swiftly on, we've got Seth Rollins vs. Samoa Joe!

Spoiler: Seth Rollins vs. Samoa Joe

Pretty good limbwork match tbh

Okay, now that that's over, we cut back to the limo. Turns out the House of Horrors is only 20 minutes' drive from the arena. Or it's a pretape. One or the other. "You have to believe the forfeiture's coming" -Cole. Bray gets his entrance, and he can barely slow-walk. He snuffs out his weirdly-misty lantern... and Orton is right behind him! Completely unexplained! Got any idea how it happened? WWE doesn't! Orton attacks with a chair, and we get a bit of BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE! At this point, after so many WCW matches, I've seen so many fucking brawls on the outside that they run together. Hangman's DDT off the announce table. Crowd wants tables. They get a single chair shot and a roll back into the ring.

Orton teases the RKO... and out come the SINGH BROTHERS! Yes, it's that era! We're just weeks away from Jinder Mahal winning the former most prestigious prize in wrestling, at this point. Orton wipes out the Singhs, gets an RKO outtanowhere to Bray... but Jinder shows up and whacks Orton with the title belt. That he absconded. Not stole, ABSCONDED. Sister Abigail hands Bray the win. Is there any follow-up between Bray and Jinder? Nope, they get drafted to different brands. That's it.

Yeah, fuck this. Really terrible. The most amateur haunted house I've ever seen, then a generic ass match and a reminder of what awfulness is to come. Ugh.

 

[Rosie]

All in San Jose which was late afternoon at the time of the bell.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #368
Bray Wyatt vs. Matt Hardy
WWE Elimination Chamber - February 25, 2018​

Next step in Bray's career was his series against Finn Balor, and had it not been for Bray falling legitimately ill, that could have given me another entry in the form of the Demon vs. Sister Abigail. And then came the Deleters of Worlds era. Bray started feuding with Matt Hardy, and that's a recipe for weird right there. They had a few regular matches (including this one) and then they had the delightfully bizarre Ultimate Deletion. Go and watch that after you read this. It'll help you remind of what happens when Bray's good. But... sometimes reality (and WWE booking) happens. Like here. At the 2018 Limmy Chambles. (Yes, I stole that, and no, I don't feel bad about it)

Matt's WWE theme is such a Def Rebel theme, you forget that CFO$ did it. According to commentary, Matt thinks he's Dean Martin. Lights out... lights back on, Bray is standing in Matt's place, on top of his coat. Somehow Bray is the one who isn't going on. Matt starts promoing on him over the PA system. Matt shows up with an axe handle from the steel steps (camera stops us seeing where he emerged from, which is a rare good Kevin Dunn moment. And then the match begins, and immediately I see bad Kevin Dunn moments with all that shaky cam and SO MANY CUTS. Make it stop).

Brawling, Matt hits a Russian legsweep, he does the DELETE taunt... then back to brawling. Bray misses a corner avalanche and Matt responds to the resulting bend-back with "WONDERFULLLL". Bray has officially been out-mindgamed. Twist of Fate teased but Matt instead goes for a DDT for two. Twist of Fate countered, and then Bray does his low crossbody. A bit more brawling, and Bray hits his own DDT for a two-count. Bray gets a headlock, and the crowd loses interest, focusing on what is apparently a beach ball in the crowd. At one point, they turn ugly and shout DELETE at whoever stopped the rally. It's soon back on, and no one is watching the match. Even as Bray hits a DDT on the apron. Apparently the beach ball is gone, which leads to "we want beach ball" chants. That's an indictment.

Hey, you know what this match needs? BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE! Bray's about to uranage Matt on the steps but it gets countered. Bray lariats Matt down, then strips the announce table, and doesn't use it. A "we want tables" chant starts but fizzles out quickly. ROPE CHOKING!! Matt gets the feet up for a body avalanche and hits Tornado DDT. Turnbuckle bashes by Matt and then the Side Effect for two. Matt tries to get the crowd hyped for a second rope elbow club. Twist of Fate countered, uranage, and senton gets two for Bray. Crowd is chanting for Rusev Day. Oh yeah, that was popular. And they ruined it. Bloody fuck. Bray misses a second rope senton, but gets a body avalanche, Sister Abigail teased, but Matt fights out, and soon gets Twist of Fate for the win.

Such an empty match, and the crowd didn't care. Anyway, go and watch Ultimate Deletion. I know I will tonight.

 

[Chris]

Kind of a miracle Bray recovered from WOKEN Matt Hardy in any way tbh

 

[Rosie]

Broken/Woken Matt Hardy, if it wasn't Vince, it could have been a fun act in the mid-card in WWE. But it was just "Bleh" with an "Okay, here's something for you" tag title win, and at least an overall pretty entertaining WWE version of the Broken Universe Cinematic matches.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #369
The Deleters of Worlds (c) vs. The B-Team
for the WWE RAW Tag Team Championship
WWE Extreme Rules - July 15, 2018​

But, eventually, Bray discovered the Lake of Reincarnation. And it didn't reincarnate him much. All it did was turn him babyface. And he eventually formed a team with Matt Hardy called the Deleters of Worlds. Because "Team Cinematic Silliness" was taken, or something. This led them to the RAW Tag Team Titles, and this defence at... oh hey, Extreme Rules 2018! I remember this one! This is not the first visit we've had to this wretched show, and it sadly won't be the last. Their opponents are joke team Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel, who got a title shot because apparently all the watchable teams got drafted to SmackDown!

Champs out first. And with separate entrance music, because a tag team can just be two singles guys. Commentary reminds us that Braun won the titles with a literal child earlier in the year. Fuck me shitless, this was a low for tag team wrestling. At this point, the B-Team's theme isn't even the "B-TEAM GO GO GO" one, but that one that sounds like an unused rock theme from 2011. Commentary also reminds us that the two jobbers both have singles wins over Matt. Also, oh yeah, this was the time when Coachman was back, wasn't it? Ronda Rousey is here.

Matty vs. Bo Dallas to kick us off, and Hardy kicks it brawling style. With an Irish whip that's so big even he falls over, soon followed by a leg drop. After the jobbers regroup, Bray tags in to stare down his legit brother. "EAT HIM" says Matt, coaching him. They don't even make contact, and in comes Curtis Axel. Slowly. Bray starts wrecking him in the corner, hitting a lariat to bring him down and smashing him every which way. He misses a body avalanche, and that's how Axel takes control. It's only brief, though, as another lariat topples Axel.

Matt's back, and dunking Axel's face into the turnbuckle as a school bully would into a toilet. Axel's getting basically nothing. Matt hits a second rope elbow for two. Axel counters the Side Effect. So begins the heat segment. Rope choking, convenient distraction so the heels can double-team. "Let's go B-Team/B-Team sucks" chants. Dallas gets a Rainmaker/Seven Star Lariat/whatever, but mediocre. It gets two. So Dallas slaps on a HEADLOCK! Naturally, Matt fights out. Axel in, and a bit of double teaming, and a DDT for two.

Now back to the rest holds! Axel controls the arm for a bit, Matt fights back. Side Effect, double down, and in comes Bray who clears house. Sister Abigail teased on Dallas but Axel breaks it up. Bray hits his uranage on Dallas, does the bend back, and tags in Matt. Time for the double Sister Abigail, but Axel distracts and Dallas shoves Matt into Bray. Dallas hits his rope-hung swinging neckbreaker, and wins the match and the titles! They do an interview where Axel asks "How did Stretch Armstrong feel when he landed on the moon?". What a brilliant idiot he was.

Generic match. Not much to say about it.

 

[Rosie]

THESE BATTLESCARS!