Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

That was one of the worst shows I've ever seen easily

 

[Emb]

I wonder how awful the Ken Anderson vs Samuel Shaw I Quit match from Hardcore Justice 2014 was when compared to the other matches in this thread.

 

[Sky]

Entry #355
The Franchise vs. Billy Kidman
Viagra on a Pole Match
WCW Monday Nitro - July 31, 2000​

I referenced this in the New Blood Rising marathon, so might as well get this one out of the way. Actually there's two more great big stinking turd matches on this show, so so much for something quick, huh? The story, you may remember, was that Shane Douglas can't get an erection. So we get Viagra on a pole. Vince Russo is allegedly a booking genius who saved WWF. I continue to maintain that WWF won the Monday Night War only by accident.

Shane buries the match before it starts. "If you get the bottle, you can use it on your opponent" well, that would be awkward. The object is to give your opponent an erection? Mark Madden names all the wrestling greats who've needed Viagra and won it on a pole. He also names Johnny Ace. That had to have been a rib. Kidman has a strong start but Shane overpowers him with elbows. Back body drop sends Shane out, and now they're BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE! That's apparently all they do in WCW. Kidman crossbody gets a one-count. Torrie trips Kidman and Shane flapjacks him on to the ropes. Thus the Shane heat segment begins.

Series of suplexes, and then a chinlock! Because WCW deserved to die. Kidman fights back but Shane hits a gorilla press slam. Kidman's fighting back with clotheslines and dropkicks. He was such a bright spot in these dark days. He manages to walk right into a Pittsburgh Plunge, to the point that it's not incredibly believable as a counter. Kidman tosses Shane off... the pole. Shane hits a back suplex but Kidman again keeps him from scaling the pole. Torrie distracts Kidman, Shane tries to do a move, but Kidman counters into the Kid Krusher. Kidman claims the Viagra, but Torrie keeps the ref distracted, Shane hits the Franchiser, and the ref sees Shane with the bottle. That's a win apparently.

SO WHY DID THE REF COUNT A PIN EARLIER??? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE RUSSO. Shane and Torrie stomp Kidman into a scattered pile of dick pills as I try to mentally justify continuing to watch wrestling to myself. Fuck this match.

 

[Sky]

Entry #356
Major Gunns vs. Miss Hancock
Hardcore Match
WCW Monday Nitro - July 31, 2000​

The miscarriage match wasn't the only one they had - they had one a few days before. Doesn't that mean you can pinpoint when the pregnancy happened? Except the pregnancy was a SWERVE fake, bro...

This starts in the back, with some of the worst-acted catty insults you'll ever hear followed by Hancock shoving Gunns in her plastic balloons. Gunns drags Hancock into the women's showers and puts her under water. Madden salivates at the idea of taking advantage of Hancock in the shower. Gunns shoves food into Hancock's face, which leads to a full on FOOD FIGHT. Suddenly David Flair and Sgt. AWOL are brawling in the ring. Confusing stuff. Wall sets up a table for Flair as the women make their way to the ring. Flair and Wall clothesline each other out. Gunns tries to whip Hancock into the table but it gets reversed, which barely dents it. A scoop slam in heels, and Hancock wins. Sexy dance to celebrate until Wall chases Hancock off.

Content-free brawl, but at least it served a purpose. What purpose that is, is known to Vince Russo alone.

 

[Sky]

Entry #357
Kevin Nash vs. Scott Steiner
Straitjacket Match
WCW Monday Nitro - July 31, 2000​

After a short vignette where it's implied Billy Kidman is having an erection that's going to last for over four hours, here's another duffer on the same show. Someone in the crowd loves Sean O'Haire. This is going to be a far cry from him.

Steiner kicks off by promoing on Goldberg and Nash and talking about himself in bed. Brawling, sidewalk slam by Nash, but of course he's an IDIOT and forgets it's not a match with pins. Nash starts fuckin' up Steiner in the corner, including with a long-leg boot choke, until Midajah interferes and lets Steiner get a low blow. Schiavone has to hawk an interview with Vince Russo. Belly-to-belly suplex... standing clothesline... elbow drop... push-ups. Yep, it's Scott Steiner! Brawling On The Outside, with the guardrail getting abuse. Every WCW match is the same.

Back in the ring, Steiner has Nash cornered but Nash recovers and gets a boot up. The official rules are that it ends when the winner gets bored of beating up the straitjacketed loser. Steiner eats a Snake Eyes and chokeslam. Nash no-sells Midajah's chair shots and Jackknifes her. Rick Steiner interferes, gets fucked up, but Scott hits Nash with the chair. Nash is bound up to finish it.

Meh.

 

[Sky]

Entry #358
Earl Hebner vs. Nick Patrick
WWF InVasion - July 22, 2001​

I think we should have known that the Invasion would fail. Aside from having no Flair, Sting, nWo, or even Reno, this is what they put on in their massively successful show that kicked off the WWF/WCW crossover. A match between two referees. Who the hell decided to put on a match between referees in 2001? It's not even a novelty, it just seems like a waste of time.

Well, at least special guest ref Mick Foley's enjoying himself. He's wearing patches of all three companies because he wrestled in all of them. Each of the refs (who have traditionally played heel in their home promotions, incidentally) have the rest of their refereeing contingent following them. That comes up to three WCW referees and six WWF referees. And yet they said Patrick was the biased heel.

Hebner shoves Patrick which sets up a big old fight. I'm actually a fan of the comedy selling that Patrick pulls off here. He's thrashing about and it's great. It starts to get all Divas catfight-like soon enough. I know Hebner's not a wrestler, but he has such ass knees. There threatens to be an all-ref brawl until Foley separates them. Hebner's forearms aren't bad for a ref. Patrick takes a bit of control with a low blow, and baseball slides Hebner out. The WCW refs go for a beatdown until Team WWF makes the save. Foley sends the WCW refs to the back. Patrick is angry with the ref, which allows Hebner to prepare... THE WORST SPEAR OF ALL TIME!

(this is where a GIF would go, but I don't have one)

Anyway, Hebner wins, predictably. Patrick's pissed but Foley decks him and introduces him to Mr. Socko. Not as terrible as I thought it would be. They never tried to make it a serious match, which makes perfect sense.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #358
Earl Hebner vs. Nick Patrick
WWF InVasion - July 22, 2001​

I think we should have known that the Invasion would fail. Aside from having no Flair, Sting, nWo, or even Reno, this is what they put on in their massively successful show that kicked off the WWF/WCW crossover. A match between two referees. Who the hell decided to put on a match between referees in 2001? It's not even a novelty, it just seems like a waste of time.

Well, at least special guest ref Mick Foley's enjoying himself. He's wearing patches of all three companies because he wrestled in all of them. Each of the refs (who have traditionally played heel in their home promotions, incidentally) have the rest of their refereeing contingent following them. That comes up to three WCW referees and six WWF referees. And yet they said Patrick was the biased heel.

Hebner shoves Patrick which sets up a big old fight. I'm actually a fan of the comedy selling that Patrick pulls off here. He's thrashing about and it's great. It starts to get all Divas catfight-like soon enough. I know Hebner's not a wrestler, but he has such ass knees. There threatens to be an all-ref brawl until Foley separates them. Hebner's forearms aren't bad for a ref. Patrick takes a bit of control with a low blow, and baseball slides Hebner out. The WCW refs go for a beatdown until Team WWF makes the save. Foley sends the WCW refs to the back. Patrick is angry with the ref, which allows Hebner to prepare... THE WORST SPEAR OF ALL TIME!

(this is where a GIF would go, but I don't have one)

Anyway, Hebner wins, predictably. Patrick's pissed but Foley decks him and introduces him to Mr. Socko. Not as terrible as I thought it would be. They never tried to make it a serious match, which makes perfect sense.

The "purposefully bad thus is entertaining" match.

 

[Sky]

Entry #359
Vince Russo/Kevin Nash (c)/Scott Steiner/Jeff Jarrett vs. Goldberg/Booker T/Sting/Brian Adams/Bryan Clark
Russo's Revenge: WarGames 2000 for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - September 4, 2000​

Oh fuck, this is going to be fun. And by fun, I mean in the same way cutting your own legs off with a rusty saw is fun. As in, not fun at all, and also painful. Russo's fuckin' Revenge. WarGames 2000. Russo has outright called his team "babyfaces" and his opponents "heels". He's made the opponents re-qualify for the WarGames (which Ernest "The Cat" Miller failed to do, being replaced by KroniK all of a sudden). It's allegedly a team match but it turns out to be for a singles title. Russo has insinuated that he'll take the title for himself and off Nash. His own teammate. Hey, it wouldn't be the first time in 2000. Let's try to make sense of this.

Also, gonna throw it out there: that isn't a WarGames double cage. It's the Ready to Rumble cage. It's so wild to hear a young Jeremy Borash in the booth. They raise the possibility that either Jarrett or Sting (the first entrants) could win the match despite no one else having entered. Very typical WCW match to start with, which means BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE BABY. And Sting tossing Jarrett into the cage. Sting grabs a ladder but Jarrett takes the edge momentarily. He gets tossed into the ladder. Next entrant is Scott Steiner, who's got a broken nose. Sting's dangling from the roof of Cage Number 1, and Jarrett and Steiner pinata the ladder into him. In comes a taller ladder. Sting's just getting beaten up, in a typical WarGames heat segment. Fuck, it feels so wrong to call this WarGames.

Out come KroniK. Both of them. In the meantime Steiner's rushing up the ladder to Cage Two, and then using bolt cutters to try and open the door out. He leaves Jarrett to the wolves, who give him High Times then follow Steiner up. Thus follows the sort of weird shitty wrestling that's typical for an unsteady floor. Reminds me of the Doomsday Cage match. Both of KroniK gorilla press Steiner and give him an awful gutbuster. Out comes Russo, in full hockey gear and accompanied by the FUCKING HARRIS BOYS because it can always get worse. The Harris' climb the cage and battle KroniK with hardcore plunder. Meanwhile, Sting's giving the Stinger Splash to Russo. Scorpion Deathlock, and for some reason, the non-wrestler does not tap.

Out comes... Kevin Nash?? Hasn't the order been broken now? We've had two members of the same team in a row. Or does KroniK's presence change the rules? Sting misses a Stinger Splash and eats Nash's chokeslam. Russo stands up with minimal selling, Nash threatens to chokeslam him but the other heels calm him down. Somehow the Harris boys and KroniK are in the crowd now. Schiavone thinks this means they're eliminated. Eliminated? In WarGames??? There's arguments between the heels, and out comes Booker T. Scissors kicks for everyone, Russo tries to attack but gets one too. Nash decapitates Booker with a big boot, Sting is at the heels' mercy, and Jeff Jarrett sets up the ladder.

The crowd chants for Goldberg... and they get him! Jarrett and Steiner both get decked, and then try to protect Russo. Russo whacks Goldberg in the back with a bat. Meanwhile, Booker is in cage number two and no one noticed. Goldberg has now been handcuffed to the ring. Up goes Steiner, followed by Sting. Nash is guarding the cage door, forgetting that you can just climb down the cage too. Jarrett's up there now, Booker is now making it to the Guitar Cage. He's got the belt, and has to come down with it.

Jarrett attacks Booker but gets a belt shot. Same with Steiner. Mark Madden realises someone should just pit the belt on so they don't have to fight and climb one-handed. Sting is handcuffed to the cage now. Steiner has the strap and Jarrett is attacking Booker. Steiner drops the belt to Russo, who celebrates... THE CAT comes out?? Cat gets the belt, thinks he can be World Champ... but is Jackknifed by Nash. Nash eats the Bret Killer from Goldberg, who attacks everyone including Russo. Of all people, BRET HART jumps the guardrail, smashes the door in Goldberg's face, Russo gets the belt... hands it to Nash and hugs him. IT WAS A SWERVE! ANOTHER POINTLESS SWERVE! Nash retains.

That wasn't WarGames. I really don't think it was even wrestling. Twists and turns for the sake of twists and turns, structure being completely abandoned, camera missing everything and making it impossible to keep track, the Harris brothers... So stupid. So fucking stupid.

 

[Rosie]

This is "War Games at home."

Hell, Lethal Lockdown in TNA is 100 times better.

 

[Chris]

That's a match and PPV I've only seen once which is fairly rare for PPVs around this time period for me but I just lost interest when doing the WCW 2000 PPV watch I tried before getting here

 

[Sky]

Entry #360
Mike Awesome vs. Insane Clown Posse
Hardcore Handicap Match
WCW Monday Nitro - September 25, 2000​

Now, I was going to go immediately to Russo's other infamous match in WCW, but there's another infamous match that I wanted to put on here. The 70s Guy vs. the Fucking Clowns. You don't remember this match, but you remember one spot from it.

Woop Woop, out come the ICP with a mic and a garbage can full of hardcore stuff. Violent J grabs a mic and claims Vampiro has a ruptured spleen (after being Awesome Bombed through a table last week). He basically talks up JCW and talks down Mike Awesome and his Partridge Family bus. Awesome, conveniently, drives the bus in and attacks ICP with a fire extinguisher. He's got to sell for a traffic cone. Unprotected garbage can shot to the head, and it didn't even crumple, yeesh. Awesome and Shaggy 2 Dope are on the roof of the bus while Violent J sets up a table. Awesome shoves Voilent J when he tries to follow, and he takes the table shot. Shaggy tries to toss Awesome off the roof, but Awesome counters and hits the Awesome Bomb... and Shaggy slips off the bus roof and eats pure concrete. Awesome clearly tries to save him from that nasty fall. Still, he takes the win.

Mindless hardcore with a completely irresponsible spot at the end. No thanks.

 

[Chris]

Now that fall I've watched a lot

 

[Sky]

Entry #361
Booker T (c) vs. Vince Russo
Caged Heat Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - September 25, 2000​

And here we go. Vince Russo couldn't go lower than threatening to win the title live on camera... until he did this. Reminder: Booker T had only been champ a couple of weeks, and was reportedly one of Russo's favourite guys in the locker room, who cares about the team. Let's try to endure this nonsense.

Russo's in NFL gear. Booker is bewildered that this is even happening. A fuck ton of lower carders show up to watch. Russo pulls out a baseball bat and thrashes Booker with it. The lower carders refuse to let Russo out, so he continues to murder Booker. Russo grabs a ladder from under the ring, and uses it to try and tear through the roof. Now the jobbers start scaling the cage to stop Russo escaping that way. Down comes STING from the rafters to give Russo the drop. Powerslam from Booker, who then strips the helmet off and gives Russo a beating.

Booker uses a superkick, and then resolves the entropy of every WCW 2000 match by giving us BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE!! Russo's face sure is getting slammed into the cage. The ref doesn't want Booker to kick so much ass. Lex Luger jumps the guardrail and hands a lead pipe to Russo so Russo can continue to get offence. Russo bumps the ref with his lead pipe because what's the point of anything? Medical staff come in to attend to the ref, so Russo attacks them. Ric Flair comes in in an EMT uniform because there's not enough moving parts in this match apparently. Figure Four attempt but Russo rolls out. Ric TAGS IN(???) Booker.

The Natural Born Thrillers show up to start a big old brawl between People Who Like Russo and People Who Don't. Scissors kick by Booker T, then side kick... then instead of going out, he grabs a mic to clown on Russo. Goldberg's music hits... which makes Booker suddenly unable to go through the fucking door. WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN? WHY ARE WRESTLERS IDIOTS? YOU'RE INCHES AWAY FROM THE DOOR! FUCKING STUPID PRICK. Steiner shows up to attack Booker, Goldberg's dealing with Russo... Goldberg spears Russo through the cage just milliseconds before Booker can step out. They don't know it yet, but that's just made Vince Russo the WCW World Heavyweight Champion.

You know what, I'm going to say it. Worst match of all time. Lawler/Cole was somehow less braindead, less damaging. That just prolonged a shitty feud with a shitty match involving a non wrestler. This match, on top of all that, managed to turn a championship into even more of a joke than usual, one of the companies' top stars into a stupid fucking joke, and an entire COMPANY into a joke. All that WCW history, that lineage, none of it matters, because weedy little New York arse-licker Vince Russo booked himself to win it. Buries the entire concept of wrestling.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #361
Booker T (c) vs. Vince Russo
Caged Heat Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - September 25, 2000​

And here we go. Vince Russo couldn't go lower than threatening to win the title live on camera... until he did this. Reminder: Booker T had only been champ a couple of weeks, and was reportedly one of Russo's favourite guys in the locker room, who cares about the team. Let's try to endure this nonsense.

Russo's in NFL gear. Booker is bewildered that this is even happening. A fuck ton of lower carders show up to watch. Russo pulls out a baseball bat and thrashes Booker with it. The lower carders refuse to let Russo out, so he continues to murder Booker. Russo grabs a ladder from under the ring, and uses it to try and tear through the roof. Now the jobbers start scaling the cage to stop Russo escaping that way. Down comes STING from the rafters to give Russo the drop. Powerslam from Booker, who then strips the helmet off and gives Russo a beating.

Booker uses a superkick, and then resolves the entropy of every WCW 2000 match by giving us BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE!! Russo's face sure is getting slammed into the cage. The ref doesn't want Booker to kick so much ass. Lex Luger jumps the guardrail and hands a lead pipe to Russo so Russo can continue to get offence. Russo bumps the ref with his lead pipe because what's the point of anything? Medical staff come in to attend to the ref, so Russo attacks them. Ric Flair comes in in an EMT uniform because there's not enough moving parts in this match apparently. Figure Four attempt but Russo rolls out. Ric TAGS IN(???) Booker.

The Natural Born Thrillers show up to start a big old brawl between People Who Like Russo and People Who Don't. Scissors kick by Booker T, then side kick... then instead of going out, he grabs a mic to clown on Russo. Goldberg's music hits... which makes Booker suddenly unable to go through the fucking door. WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN? WHY ARE WRESTLERS IDIOTS? YOU'RE INCHES AWAY FROM THE DOOR! FUCKING STUPID PRICK. Steiner shows up to attack Booker, Goldberg's dealing with Russo... Goldberg spears Russo through the cage just milliseconds before Booker can step out. They don't know it yet, but that's just made Vince Russo the WCW World Heavyweight Champion.

You know what, I'm going to say it. Worst match of all time. Lawler/Cole was somehow less braindead, less damaging. That just prolonged a shitty feud with a shitty match involving a non wrestler. This match, on top of all that, managed to turn a championship into even more of a joke than usual, one of the companies' top stars into a stupid fucking joke, and an entire COMPANY into a joke. All that WCW history, that lineage, none of it matters, because weedy little New York arse-licker Vince Russo booked himself to win it. Buries the entire concept of wrestling.

To anyone who gave TK shit for taking one beat-down and then driving Darby in, this is what I point to.

 

[Sky]

Entry #362
Tony Atlas vs. Ted Arcidi
WWF from Boston Garden - August 9, 1986​

They say wrestling in the 80s was a big man's game, and that means two things. Both that if you were small, you'd never get a chance no matter what you could do... and if you were big, you'd get the world handed to you no matter how incompetent you were. I'd say no match better embodies the second part than this. Ted Arcidi was a legit powerlifting record holder who was brought in as a replacement for Ken Patera (who was in prison for attacking a McDonalds, true story) and pushed despite being awful at everything. Tony Atlas was slightly better than Ted, in that at least he was kind of over sometimes. What happens when they clash? Let's find out in Boston!

You know it's an old match when Lord Alfred Hayes is on commentary. He buries Arcidi right off the bat by saying he's got no wrestling ability and wins off power. Staredown. Lock-up. Staredown. Lock-up. Staredown. Wristlock by Atlas. Commentary questions why both men are being allowed to wear their weight belts. Where was Lord Alfred during Hulk Hogan's WCW matches? The wristlock ends in a rope break. Test of strength spot! Or a "Grecian knuckle grip" as Lord Alfred calls it. It lasts a full minute and a half, with both men occasionally going to one knee, but it ends inconclusively on a rope break. The crowd is rapidly losing interest.

Lock-up again. Atlas shoves Arcidi, Arcidi throws a forearm, Atlas hits a headbutt that takes Arcidi off his feet for the first time in this match. They slam each other. By the way, you should mentally insert about 20 seconds of staredowns between each move. Gorilla says they're moving like they're on death's door. He then buries Arcidi's incredibly soft clothesline that Atlas sells for anyway. "That didn't hurt him, unless he somehow hurt himself falling down" -ACTUAL REAL QUOTE. Atlas hits an honest to goodness SINGLE LEG DROPKICK. They're in the corner and Arcidi goes for a SECOND ROPE BIONIC ELBOW! Crowd's even booing the Boston hometown hero at this point.

Arcidi motions for the BEARHUG (because the 70s never ended) but Atlas drags them to the ropes and they fall out. They lock up AGAIN, start gently tipping over barricades, and get counted out. Their lock-up continues even as they stumble over chairs (and crush a small boy's leg in the process). The Boston police can't separate them, but the ref can. Back in the ring, the announcer makes the result official. They're all mad and stuff, and toss away their weight belts. Begrudging handshake ends it, the crowd burying both men all the way.

Usually the logic of a double count-out is to make you want to see a more intense match in the future. This one did the opposite. It made everyone never want to see Tony Atlas or Ted Arcidi ever again. And both only had one televised match after this before they were gone. They went to Texas where they ran this feud back, by the way. Out of four of those matches, three ended in draws. No words are necessary sometimes.