Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

Entry #340
Goldberg vs. Kevin Nash vs. Scott Steiner
Anything Goes Match
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

And here we have it. The match that's been derided as the lowest ebb of worked shoots. And I've not grown to be fond of worked shoots over the years, let me tell you that. This match had everyone in the build talking about the finish and who was going to go over. As if, you know, everything else on the card was fake. Including Booker T winning. Also they talk about Goldberg not being here. He had a motorcycle accident and he won't be showing up. So the commentators just talk about Scott Steiner's power to not go through with a pre-determined finish. Goldberg's music hits but he's not here. "Goldberg fears Gillberg" sign. Yep. Goldberg's music again. Nothing.

Guess these two will have to improvise. Lock-up, Steiner kicks Nash in the corner, while Nash kicks Steiner in the centre. Commentary considers that this might turn into a shootfight. Nash hits a Snake Eyes (a move he gave that name!) on the guardrail. Suddenly Goldberg comes out, taped ribs and chair in hand, and wrecks Nash. Steiner rolls Goldberg into the ring, getting a clothesline and elbow drop for two. Then a belly-to-belly for the same result. Goldberg gets a shoulderblock off and sends Steiner out, just in time for Nash to come into the ring. Commentary continues to talk shoot, like how Nash booked himself to go over at Starrcade '98. Stop.

Nash knees Goldberg in the ribs, and Steiner hits a second belly-to-belly on Nash. "COUNT!" -Steiner to the ref, multiple times. Goldberg gets a butterfly suplex to Steiner. Double down, Goldberg and Steiner. Nash is in the driving seat, downs both men. Side slam to Steiner, and he's out. Big boot by Nash... I'm going to take a new paragraph, just because of what happens next.

Nash sets up the Jackknife but Goldberg shoves him off. Regular counter, right? Except everyone else is acting confused. Goldberg is just walking off! Russo comes out to get into it with Goldberg, telling him to get back in the ring and do the finish, to do his job. Goldberg is refusing to follow the script! What the actual fuck?

Now Nash and Steiner have to improvise again! Which apparently means brawling on the outside. Really exposing the WCW formula. If all else fails, go to the outside and use a chair! They talk about Nash being a pro for continuing this match. Back suplex by Steiner for two. The heat in this match is dead and gone. Backbreaker (sidebreaker?) by Steiner also gets two. Steiner gets wiped out on a corner charge when Nash puts his boot up.

Out comes Midajah. Steiner bumps the ref while Midajah hits Nash right in his cock and balls. Madden calls her a slut for touching another man's crotch. Nash does something equally slutty by punching Steiner in the balls... and then Midajah elbow drops Nash in the balls! Ref wakes up, two count. Nash hits a really sloppy DDT. Delayed pin, Midajah breaks up the fall. Nash threatens Midajah but Steiner piggybacks him. This gives Nash the opening to get the big boot and Jackknife for the pin Commentary talks a lot about how Steiner is professional for taking the fall.

Complete business-exposing nonsense. WCW deserved to die.

The Canadian rules match, guilty pleasure. This. Just guilty of being horrible. It is an international incident.

 

[Samoa Looch]

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #342
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Randy Savage
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW The Great American Bash - June 13, 1999​

So, Double or Nothing huh? One of the more notable things that happened (aside from MJF entering his 2002 Triple H arc) was Adam Copeland going to the top of a cage, doing a stupid jump, and fucking his leg. It reminds me of when Randy Savage went to the top of a cage, did a stupid jump, and fucked his leg. That was Havoc '97. So I've decided to look at one of his worse matches that came after that. So we return to the site of the '99 Bash, where Sting just got attacked by Dogs and then the Jersey Triad won the tag straps in the match of the night. Savage is challenging Kevin Nash. Let's see what they bring to the table.

This being 1999, Nash has his entourage of Gorgeous George (his then-girlfriend, not the long-dead legend), Madusa, and Miss Madness (Molly Holly). There's also talk about Savage's flying elbow having previously been banned, but it's legal now so no need to worry about that. What's so deadly about an elbow drop that's worthy of banning, anyway? Nash is "not 100%" as he was recently hit by the White Hummer! That storyline that never got resolved despite lasting FOREVER.

Nash gets the early edge, with simple brawling. Including things that are meant to be knees to the ribs but are clearly just Nash gently nudging Savage's midsection with his hip. "We want puppies" chants for Savage's valets. Nash gets a corner clothesline but it hurts his ribs. Same effect from a sidewalk slam. This lets Savage to get a bit of edge by targeting the ribs. We're seeing something rare that's never happened in years: Kevin Nash actually selling! They're on the outside now, and Nash gets rammed into the barricade. Madusa gets a stiff kick to Nash's ribs, then daintily flounces away because she remembers she's not meant to be a wrestler in WCW. Her offence is somehow the best looking of this entire match.

Savage is just hammering away, and going for a boot choke because you apparently need a boot choke. Rather than, you know, stepping on the ribs from the same position. Nash goes low in front of the ref. In come the ladies, and Miss Madness hits a pretty sweep dropkick off the top rope! Flying elbow on the injured ribs... NASH KICKS OUT! That's huge, because not only it is Savage, who loved to protect his finish, it's roidmonster Savage. Nash recovers, hitting Snake Eyes... big boot... Jackknife Powerbomb! The valets attack to stall Nash, and Gorgeous George jumps on his back. She falls off and mostly sells the straps of her top. Madusa and Miss Madness take a slam and Snake Eyes (for the most convincing bump all match) respectively... and Sid comes in for the DQ!

Wait... what? Why did the women attacking in front of the ref not draw a DQ? Why did it take Sid's interference? For that matter, why was it established immediately after that Sid had nothing to do with the White Hummer thing? Why was Molly Holly, who wasn't even a wrestler at this point, somehow the best wrestler in a match she wasn't even in? WCW!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #343
Lucha House Party vs. Lars Sullivan
WWE Super ShowDown - June 7, 2019​

And, because it now feels wrong to look at one match at a time because the Network Will Disappear Any Minute Now, here's this! A burial! Featuring three talented lucha dudes being fed to Giant #5023! This didn't go over well way back when it happened. I wonder why?

LHP come out with pinatas like the goofs they are. We get a recap of Discount Heidenreich giving us a poem about how much he's going to murder these three on SmackDown. This is somehow Lars Sullivan's first main roster match! The silence is deafening even by Saudi crowd standards. Kalisto starting off, and is already being outpowered by Sullivan. Corner charges! You gotta love them. This is basically just Lars throwing clubs and standing around while luchadors bump off him. Lince Dorado in now, who tries to mount Sullivan in the corner but gets nothing. Boot-catch enzuigiri denied as Sullivan just shoves Lince away. Lince is tossed out, and it's not Lucha Tag Rules so Sullivan has to go to the outside and send Lince back in. Big shoulderblock, Sullivan roars, crowd doesn't care.

LHP try and fail to start a "Lucha Lucha Lucha" chant. Kalisto and Lince both get shoved off the apron. Finally Gran Metalik comes in, gets some kicks and a back elbow. Kalisto tagged in, avoids a slam, but gets plucked out of the air by a wild swinging arm. Kalisto drops the ropes so Sullivan falls out the ring, and now he's ANGRY YOU GUYS. Big release pumphandle slam. It's so quiet that commentary even has to acknowledge it. Sullivan tries going up top but the other luchas crotch and attack him for the DQ. They all hit moves and walk off, by Sullivan comes up the ramp and lays waste to them. You can hear a pin drop.

Absolutely fails in every aspect as a match. The crowd wasn't interested, the viewers at home weren't interested, and nobody got over. Sullivan failed to get the win as the dominant monster, and his opponents looked like total weaklings. Sullivan would fuck his knee up a few days later, be exposed as a homophobic gay porn star, and disappear, to the disappointment of no one. Genuinely one of the worst matches in history, in terms of what it achieved.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #344
Roman Reigns vs. Shane McMahon
WWE Super ShowDown - June 7, 2019​

Got nothing better to do, let's dump on SSD '19 some more. This one was part of his heel run where he was Best in the World and was part of a group of heels that were united by disliking Roman Reigns (including Elias! Remember him?). It got a surprising 1.5 stars from Dave but has a Cagematch rating of 1.41. I find it easier to believe one of those ratings.

Shane's money rain rating: now THAT is a money rain. TNA 2011, take note. The "Best in the WOOOOOOOORLD" intro takes up more time of my life that I'll never get back. "CM Punk" chants. Fellow Anti-Reigns Heel Drew McIntyre gets his own entrance. Babyface Big Dog feels so wrong when you look at him now.

A distraction by Drew lets Shane get the early edge. And by that I mean kicks and typically shitty punches in the corner. And ROPE FACE GRINDING! Because a rope choke was just too unoriginal I guess. Roman gets a brief rally but the sweaty businessman dodges a corner charge and Roman hurts his shoulder. Roman gets tossed out so Drew can get a cheap shot, then rolled in for... CHOKING! Shane gets a Russian legsweep for two. Roman starts dropping Shane with clotheslines, but Superman Punch misses and Shane gets a Superman... Back Elbow. 30-second chinlock, then a pin for two.... then a minute-long sleeper. Am I supposed to believe Roman wouldn't just tear this man in half?

Roman fights back, gets cornered clotheslines and a big boot. Superman Punch attempt again but Shane counters by hitting him in the waist. Something no actual wrestler has done. He puts on his devastating TRIANGLE CHOKE! And of course, he can't do it properly. Roman lifts him into a powerbomb for two. I'd have cared more about that if it were a good wrestler with Roman, and not, you know, a McMahon. Ref distraction so Drew can attack, but Roman counters. Superman Punch over the stairs, then Shane flies into a right hand. Shane crotches Roman to regain the edge, then hits his imitation of a spear for two.

Shane sets up Coast-to-Coast as "CM Punk" chants ring out again. Roman springs out, hits Superman Punch on the corner for two. Spear set up, "OOH AHH"... Shane kicks him to stop him. Again, Shane McMahon is somehow countering Roman' signatures like actual wrestlers don't. Shane falls back with a right hand, bumps the ref (because OF COURSE), letting Drew come in and hit the Claymore. This lets Roman get the three-count, fucking shit.

Who kept letting Shane book his own segments around this time? They had some of the most self-serving booking you'll ever see. Roman (whom WWE perpetually made Look Really Strong otherwise) had both of his signature moves countered, and countered effectively too. And for so much of the runtime Shane got to dominate Roman for no reason. This isn't talked about enough as one of the bad matches on this show.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #345
The Largest Battle Royal In WWE History
WWE Super ShowDown - June 7, 2019​

One of the gimmicks of this show (because Saudi Arabia always needed gimmicks) was WWE's biggest ever battle royal, with 50 men. How do you get that many in a ring all at once? We're about to find out! But of course, you can't let 50 different men have an entrance, so you send all the jobbers out in bulk! Those jobbers being:

• Akam
• Akira Tozawa
• Apollo Crews
• Bo Dallas
• Brian Kendrick
• Buddy Murphy
• Cedric Alexander
• Chad Gable
• Curt Hawkins
• Curtis Axel
• Dash Wilder
• Drew Gulak
• EC3
• Eric Young
• Erick Rowan
• Erik
• Heath Slater
• Humberto Carrillo
• Ivar
• Jey Uso
• Jimmy Uso
• Jinder Mahal
• Karl Anderson
• Luke Gallows
• Mansoor
• Matt Hardy
• Mike Kanellis
• Mojo Rawley
• Mustafa Ali
• No Way Jose
• Oney Lorcan
• Otis
• Rezar
• Ricochet
• Robert Roode
• Rusev
• Samir Singh
• Scott Dawson
• Shelton Benjamin
• Shinsuke Nakamura
• Sin Cara (II)
• Sunil Singh
• Tony Nese
• Tucker
• Xavier Woods
• Zack Ryder

And, getting their own entrances:

• The Miz
• Samoa Joe
• Cesaro
• Titus O'Neil (just so he can succeed at not slipping during his entrance this time)
• Elias (who calls out several of the jobbers, and Miz sends him into the ring)

You may have noticed that that's not 50 names, but 51. Well, that problem is solved immediately after the match begins as EC3 is eliminated off-camera. The Singh Brothers both crowd-surf their way out. Both Good Brothers, Eric Young, Humberto Carrillo, Oney Lorcan, Heath Slater... battle royals are hard to comment on. Because there's just so many people and so much going on. Axel, Mike K, Tozawa, Bo Dallas... there's still far too many people in the ring. No Way Jose with a hairstyle I don't remember him ever having. This is just a bunch of lads eliminating each other. Ali skinning the cat. "Huge knee from Erik" -Renee Young, who probably is the only person who saw that the first time.

We get our first actual spot, with a Heavy Machinery/Vikings/AOP beef standoff! Did they ever do that as a main roster program? Doesn't matter as Tucker is gone, as are both of AOP. It turns out Titus has been hiding under the ring , and emerges (somewhat early) to boot everyone. He manages to eliminate both Vikings! URAH URAH URAH! They keep talking about the 24/7 Title... This is essentially the 24/7 division plus a few. Shelton Benjamin eats a Twist of Fate to go off. Hawkins takes a Coquina Clutch, Ryder makes the save, but just gets himself get eliminated by Joe too. Oh yeah, Hawkins and Ryder were Tag Champs at this time.

Chad Gable gets a rolling kick on Nakamura, and wouldn't this be a great match if it happened now? Gable's gone soon though, as is Apollo Crews. Sin Cara and Matt Hardy have a hug for some reason. Ricochet manages to get a bodyscissors to drop Mahal out. We get a bit of time without eliminations or indeed any spots at all, until Otis manages to hit a double Caterpillar. He's immediately rewarded by being eliminated by Rowan. Iron Claw slam to Woods and he's gone too. Rowan gets eliminated by the Usos, who get eliminated by the Revival, who get eliminated by Matt Hardy, who gets eliminated by Cesaro. Sin Cara is somehow still in this match.

Cesaro Swing for Cedric Alexander, and then Cedric's catapulted out. These two are so good. Nakamura and Cesaro try to team up on Sin Cara but get clowned on for a while (by SIN CARA, I remind you). Sin Cara does a sunset flip which sets him right up for a Kinshasa. THEN AN ENZUIGIRI AND SIN CARA ELIMINATES NAKAMURA! He gets eliminated by Rusev who gets tossed by Miz. Miz eliminates Roode after a bit, then double It Kicks to Cesaro and Elias... Cesaro ducks one and Elias eliminates him!

There's a big Heavyweight vs. Cruiserweight staredown for this final 6, which I like. Reminds me of that ending to the 2018 Rumble. Ricochet and Ali are close to elimination, and do cool flying things to Cesaro. Ali clings on again! They;re both so close.... but Ricochet and Ali get together to take Joe out! Cesaro clocks both of them... Mansoor eliminates Cesaro! It's Elias vs. the hometown favourite, superkick.... Mansoor skins the cat, and back body drop sends Elias over. Mansoor win this meaningless giant battle royal!

That was a PEAK battle royal ending, but there was so much nothing to dredge through that it still earns a place on the bad match list (though, near the top).

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #346
The Undertaker vs. Goldberg
WWE Super ShowDown - June 7, 2019​

Here it is, the match everyone remembers this show for. For the wrong reasons. The battle of Two Old Guys with Long Entrances almost turned into disaster because they were just that old. How low can this go? We'll find out.

You thought I was kidding about the long entrances, huh? Goldberg (having already bust himself open on his door) takes 4 minutes and 23 seconds to finish his entrance, including a long time standing in the ring as his music keeps playing. Taker? 6 minutes and 9 seconds, complete with druid fire show. Commentary reminds us that Taker has promised this will be the last time for Goldberg, which is pretty spooky in hindsight.

Long staredown. Goldberg has the temerity to do Taker's throat-cut thing at him. Taker punches him and Goldberg hits a spear off the ropes outta nowhere. Followed by a second for two. Taker gets his sit-up out of the way early. Taker teases a chokeslam but Goldberg yanks Taker's hand off his neck, and rolls into a kneebar. The ropes are 100% within Taker's reach, but it takes him like 20 seconds to get to them. Taker dodges a shoulder charge and Goldberg hits the post. Face-first. This has the effect of opening the wound further, making Goldberg bleed pretty heavy from the head and taking him to Concussion City, Saudi Arabia.

Taker does some corner punches, targets Goldberg's shoulder, and then goes Old School. Goldberg continues to bleed heavily. The ref now has black gloves on. Taker's waiting forever for Goldberg to be ready for the chokeslam. At least he gets some elevation on it (looking at you, Konnan). Tombstone right on Goldberg's head (yikes) but Goldberg still kicks out. Soon after there's a double clothesline double down. They're trading rights, Taker hits a corner clothesline, Snake Eyes... Goldberg hits a third spear! Time for the infamous Jackhammer, where Goldberg doesn't get all of it and drops Taker on the back of his head. I get the feeling we have nearly watched the Deadman become a literal dead man. Taker kicks out though.

Goldberg tries to set up a Tombstone but just falls backwards. Maybe it was meant to be one of those Goldberg tombstone > Taker reverses into a Tombstone spots and Taker was the one who messed up. Either way, Taker's pissed, and kills it with a chokeslam. He hates that that was one of his last matches ever.

A really nasty watch. Goldberg gets concussed very early on and the two end up botching moves they've been doing for decades. Both men nearly die. I don't want to think about this anymore.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #347
AOP vs. The Bar
WWE Survivor Series - November 18, 2018​

Thanks to that battle royal, I don't know if you noticed, but there were a ton of debuts! And it annoys me that the constraints of alphabetical order prevent certain permanent tag team partners from being listed together. So, time to rectify that. I went to check the worst match of AOP... and it's this match. The piss match, as posterity will remember it. Funny, because this looks like it'll be a fun big-on-big encounter between RAW and SD's current Tag Team Champions, even if they were both heels. But no... it's the piss match. Let's see why.

The Bar's friend at this time was, of course, Big Show. AOP come out in skull masks that honestly look awesome. Remember how annoyed everyone was that AOP didn't get Paul Ellering as their manager on the main roster? I'll be honest, I don't know which of AOP is which. One of them takes Sheamus to the corner, Sheamus fights out, then Cesaro bursts in to uppercut the other one. Apparently the one in the ring right now is Rezar. Cesaro cuts out the knees, goes for the big swing, but Akam interferes, and gets swung himself before Rezar breaks it off. AOP do a sidewalk slam/stomp combo which is pretty lit.

This is just very standard tag team wrestling. Basic. And by basic, I mean not that interesting. For example: Akam slaps on a long chinlock. To be fair, right after I type this, he does a double leg takedown and lays in forearms which is more what I expected. What I can only describe as an assisted GTS happens, but Sheamus breaks up the pin. Sheamus and Rezar brawl, Cesaro gets a roll-up for a visual pin. More beatdowns in the corner ensue Cesaro playing the face in peril (despite being a heel). Crowd is so quiet. Cesaro gets his springboard uppercut and gets a hot tag to Sheamus. To no reaction. Because again, they're both heels.

Sheamus starts beating on Rezar, gets high knees, knocks out Akam, and does his ten forearm clubs which wakes up the crowd. Sheamus' top rope clothesline gets two. Brogue Kick teased, but Drake Maverick shows up to distract Sheamus. Cesaro stops Rezar from taking advantage... Brogue Kick! Maverick puts Rezar's foot on the rope. Cesaro chases Maverick... into the vicinity of the Big Show.

And Show chokes Maverick so hard he pisses himself. Like, legit. There was some mechanism that was meant to make it happen but it didn't work. So Drake Maverick had to shoot piss himself on PPV. That's commitment. How did this guy get fired twice in two years, again? Maverick overacts the experience, Sheamus and Cesaro stop to mock him (presumably for being in a dogshit storyline) which lets AOP get the jump on them and win with a powerbomb/neckbreaker combo. The replays are naturally, of the piss and finish, and not of anything cool AOP did.

Started as a generic house show match, ended in a dumb storyline.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #348
The Viking Raiders (c) vs. The OC
for the WWE RAW Tag Team Championship
WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders, and Chairs - December 15, 2019​

And now... the Viking Raiders. They've had relatively few non-good matches, but this one didn't go over well. In fact, this was the first in a series of mistakes at TLC '19. Reigns/Corbin, Wyatt/Miz, Lashley/Rusev, that time Charlotte Flair hurt Kairi and didn't care about it. This match actually started as an open challenge! The Vikings are in their element in Minnesota. Some fans are eating KFC at ringside. The OC won a tag team World Cup or something. They cut a promo where they think they're cool and fun, but they're not. I can't stand them.

Lawler keeps talking about the KFC. Karl Anderson immediately tries to start with a headlock but Erik lifts him to the corner. Anderson trips while running the ropes and Erik slams him. Promoting KFC again. Ivar in, working the arm, Anderson can't make any headway. Erik slams Ivar on to Anderson, which is a nice spot. More KFC shilling. Gallows provides a distraction so Anderson can send Erik to the outside. They're probably only on the outside so they can get the KFC table in the shot. Rest hold time by Anderson. He gets a spinebuster (oh yeah, he's an Anderson) but only gets a one-count.

Gallows is throwing hands. Elbow drop for two. And then... back to chinlocks! Ivar desperately tries to hype the crowd. REMEMBER THERE'S KFC HERE GUYS. Erik starts trying to fight out of the corner, getting forearms... float over, and tagging in Ivar for the hot tag. Pumphandle fallaway slam... sidewalk slam... splash. I rate Ivar, actually. He misses a really slow corner splash but hits a sitout on Anderson. "That looked like Ric Flair" -Samoa Joe, who's apparently only seen Ric Flair in his 2010 TNA run. Fittingly, Ivar doesn't manage to hit a move off the top rope. OC's back suplex/neckbreaker combo gets two.

Ivar tries a double back elbow but completely misses both men. They sell anyway. Anderson takes the Viking Experience Thor's Hammer, but Gallows breaks up the pin. Very late. Chokebomb to Erik, big boot to Ivar, they're doing the standard Brawling on the Outside, and it's a double count-out. Crowd calls it bullshit, naturally. The OC attempt to give Erik a Magic Killer through the KFC table ("KFC" chants are louder than anything else this match) but Ivar breaks it up and Anderson gets double chokeslammed into something finger lickin' good.

Pointless match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #349
Carmella (c) vs. Asuka
James Ellsworth in a Shark Cage Match for the WWE SmackDown Women's Championship
WWE Extreme Rules - July 15, 2018​

When in doubt, go to Cagematch. And what does Cagematch say is among the worst ever? Extreme Rules 2018. That really was a dogshit show, wasn't it? The interminable Alexa Bliss/Nia Jax feud, the Braun/KO match where nobody got over because Braun dominated and lost by mistake, heatless Roman Reigns vs. heatless Bobby Lashley (in what was somehow one of the better matches on the show!), and Seth vs. Dolph getting buried six feet under because the fans wanted to see a clock too much. And then you get this, one of the lowest rated matches of all time on that site. Part 26 million in the burial of Asuka post-WM34. But is it really *that* bad? Worse than the Dixie Dog Fight, or Hogan/Warrior 2, or the ROTC match? Let's see.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that James Ellsworth is in a shark cage. Because this feud up to this point was "Carmella kicks out of Asuka's big moves, James Ellsworth interferes, MellaWinsLOL, no one gets over". Hopefully this one will be different. And not, you know, like every heel's-manager-in-a-shark-cage match ever!

Ellsworth apparently isn't aware of the stip as he wants to be put back down. Asuka's straight in with her kicks and high knees, but Carmella reverses into an inverted mat slam. She calls for a chain, but Asuka gets to it first, but doesn't use it. And vitally, doesn't send the chain out of the ring. After getting the boot up for an Asuka corner charge, Carmella tries to get the chain, but the ref removes it. She then calls down ANOTHER foreign object. We're not 2 minutes in. She tries to use a spray on Asuka but Asuka stops it and starts striking away. Flying hip attack visibly misses but gets two anyway.

Asuka works the arm and then gets on the Asuka Lock to force a rope break. Ellsworth's fiddling about inside the cage... he's picking the lock! Asuka gets a suplex on the outside. Ellsworth is outside the cage, but his leg gets caught and he's dangling upside down. Asuka treats Ellsworth like a chinless pinata. WWE staff call the cage down so Ellsworth can get untied and put back in the cage... Asuka wipes out the staff! Carmella's just lying outside the ring for all this, until she gets in and rams Asuka's face into the lowered cage. 1-2-3, Carmella retains, Asuka looks stupid. Post-match Asuka Lock for James Ellsworth, but zero heat has been regained.

Carmella kicks out of Asuka's big moves, James Ellsworth interferes (indirectly), MellaWinsLOL, no one gets over. Absolutely pathetic booking, and a waste of five or so minutes.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #350
Charlie Haas vs. Luther Reigns
WWE The Great American Bash - June 27, 2004​

Okay, it's time to take on the 2004 Bash. A SmackDown branded show in one of SD's worst years creatively. No wonder everyone remembers this as being a bit crap. After an adequate four-way opener where Cena defended his US Title, the second match... is completely impromptu, made by SD General Manager Kurt Angle just five or so minutes ago, between his former protege and his current protege.

Haas is out with Jackie Gayda. Oh yeah, later that year he had that bad storyline with Jackie and Dawn Marie. "The thing about Luther Reigns, he has size and strength" -Cole. That's literally all he has though. Haas gets waistlocks and Reigns scrambles to the ropes. Reigns, in comparison to Haas' amateur wrestling style, just uses the moveset of every big man you've ever seen. Forearm clubs galore! Haas gets a surprise schoolboy roll-up for two, but get booted down right after. At least Haas's selling is way more impressive than Reigns' offence. Just as I say that, he brings out a ROPE CHOKE! Why do so many dogshit wrestlers use rope chokes?

Haas gets a bit of momentum with dropkicks but is tossed out and gets charged into the apron. Then a chinlock which feels in no way earned. Reigns hits a gorilla press slam for two. He breaks out a single-leg crab, which is an improvement. Haas' back has been targeted, at least. He rolls out, counters some stuff, roll-up for two. Then Reigns shuts that down with a big lariat for two. Haas gets a surprise T-bone suplex for a two-count, followed by a bridging German for the same result. However, he misses a corner charge which allows Reigns to hit the Reign of Terror (= Cross Rhodes). At least Haas sold that like death. Makes me feel Reigns wouldn't need to do three in a row to win.

Anyway, this is a squash to put over a guy who sucks ass.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #351
Billy Gunn vs. Kenzo Suzuki
WWE The Great American Bash - June 27, 2004​

Skipping over a typically nice Rey/Chavo encounter, the fourth match on the card has Kenzo Suzuki! Remember when Kenzo was intended to debut as Hirohito, looking for revenge on America for the war? That was stupid, wasn't it? Now he's just a generic foreign heel, and he's up against the paragon of what America is. Ass. Let's go.

Kenzo's out on his Mabel chair. Billy Gunn is a "big match" guy apparently, which will serve him well in this heatless midcard match. Long staredown. Kenzo goes for a cornered chop but Gunn dodges and Kenzo meets nothing but turnbuckle pad. Another staredown. Gunn gets a headlock, then Kenzo downs him with a double palm thrust, which he holds out as if he thinks a fireball will come out. Kenzo misses a knee drop and Gunn gets a fisherman suplex. Which is counted for two, despite Kenzo's shoulder clearly being up. A swinging neckbreaker also gets two. Kenzo takes control with a throat thrust and hits an... Iron Claw... legsweep... slam? Something like that. NOW he hits the knee for two.

Now we enter the phase where Kenzo uses his rest hold. And... oh no. The fucking shoulder pinch. I hate nerve holds, but this is the one I hate most of all. It doesn't look even mildly effective. USA chants, Hiroko on the outside looks distressed. Kenzo uses a CHOP DROP, as if his offence didn't look shit enough, and then back to the nerve holds. A "boring" chant starts but immediately dies out. They're too bored to be bored. Kenzo shuts out a Gunn hope spot with a knee to the gut. Surprise roll-up by Gunn, but it comes to nothing. Kenzo seems to be teasing a choke move, or even another throat thrust, but instead goes for a vertical suplex. Why is this still going?

Abdominal stretch. There's a guy in full pimp outfit in the crowd, doing a Japanese bow. Time for Gunn's comeback spot, which is mostly just forearms and clotheslines. Corner splash, Fameasser teased, Kenzo takes out the leg, and Kenzo hits the Shining Wizard for two. Outta nowhere Gunn gets his tilt-a-whirl slam. Calling for Fameasser, but Kenzo gets a cheeky little low blow, and finishes it with a kneeling neckbreaker of some sort. Whatever it is, it was mistimed to hell.

Now I see what they mean when they say Kenzo Suzuki sucked. Why was this substandard Young Lion in WWE?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #352
Sable vs. Torrie Wilson
WWE The Great American Bash - June 27, 2004​

This match, like the previous, got a minus star from Dave. It apparently got booked because Sable said Torrie looked fat. There are no words. This is women's wrestling in 2004. The bad old days, the Diva Search days.

You know it's bad when the crowd doesn't give a shit. Sable starts posing for the crowd so Torrie chases her out. "Overused Billy Done" sign in the crowd. That would have been useful for the previous match which did feature Overused Billy Done. Sable hits forearms, kicks, and a hair-mare, finishing with a weak kick to the back. Torrie manages to sunset flip Sable for two, then Sable... trips? Torrie on to the ropes. It looks more like Torrie trips herself. ROPE CHOKING! Sable chokes Torrie with her own arms, a hold that lasts... and lasts... and lasts... while commentary has nothing to talk about other than who's blonder. Torrie gets a suplex for two and now has Sable on the ropes. Knife-edge chop to the plastic titty.

Meeting of the minds and a double down. Torrie gets up first. Sable's rolling on the floor and the ref stops Torrie from engaging. You know that this is kayfabe - WWE wouldn't care about a REAL concussion in 2004! Of course, Sable gets a surprise roll-up, which the ref fast counts, despite BOTH of Torrie's shoulders being high off the mat! What?

Well, that was women's wrestling in 2004. Awful!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #353
Hardcore Holly vs. Mordecai
WWE The Great American Bash - June 27, 2004​

So... Mordecai, huh? A gimmick that was hyped up as a possible opponent for Undertaker but died a death immediately as the guy playing it couldn't wrestle. This is his second and final PPV match under that name. SmackDown was really thin considering this guy got two PPV matches.

Watching him, he really was the anti-Undertaker. He even had a not-quite-a-cross to contrast Taker's Ministry symbol. The brawling begins immediately, with Holly completely no-selling Mordecai's shots and going in snug with his own. Mordecai ends up tied in the ropes in the "Andre rest" position. He rolls out of the ring, Holly follows him, but Mordecai rams Holly into the not-a-cross. Mordecai starts laying in with forearm club after forearm club. Holly gets a comeback briefly, Mordecai shuts that out, so Holly continues underselling. Another comeback, Holly whips Mordecai but gets booted down for two.

Next up... CHINLOCKS! Because this actual PPV which people paid to watch needed minute-long chinlocks. Holly manages to flapjack Mordecai on to the ropes, and seems to be setting up some sort of neckbreaker but they hit their heads on each other. Not sure if botch. Holly lays in stiff clotheslines, goes to the top, and hits a flying forearm for two. A reverse DDT by Holly also gets a two-count, along with a Mordecai sitout spinebuster. And a Holly dropkick. Alabama Slam set up, but Mordecai counters and wins with (what else?) a crucifix powerbomb.

Really generic squash where the going-underneath guy wasn't interested in putting anyone over. Oh well. At least the SummerSlam ad they showed right after this was fun.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #354
The Undertaker vs. The Dudley Boyz
Concrete Crypt Handicap Match
WWE The Great American Bash - June 27, 2004​

Main event of this show and... bear with me on this one. Since Undertaker was back in Deadman mode, the urn was the source of his powers again. Well, Paul Heyman stole the urn. And then he put Undertaker in this match in which either Taker would deliberately lose against the then-current WWE Tag Team Champions, or Heyman would drown Paul Bearer in cement. What a bizarre stipulation. Is this the only reason why this match is rated among the worst ever? Let's find out!

For Taker Entrance Watchers, the length of this entrance by my count 3 minutes, 20 seconds. Heyman cuts a promo pre-match where he adds enough cement to cover Bearer's ankles, just to show he means business. Bubba picks up a mic of his own and tells Taker to lie down. There's a big staredown. Bubba reminds Taker what Heyman will do. Taker slowly lies down, and Bubba tells D-Von to get out so he can get the pin. But of course Taker goozles Bubba. That is not "doing the right thing" according to Heyman.

2-on-1 beatdown begins. Taker manages to get the edge, sending both Dudleys out, putting Bubba on the announce table. He starts to work D-Von''s shoulder before going Old School. "Bad dog", says Heyman, who fills the crypt to Bearer's waist this time. Bearer remains insistent that Taker will save him. D-Von distracts the ref while Bubba trips Taker and crotches him on the ropes. Apparently either there's no security on hand or Heyman has them over a barrel, as no one's trying to prevent this attempted cementy murder. Leg drops by the Dudleys, followed by beatdowns in mutliple corners. Bubba goes for a back body drop but Taker gets a DDT. Sidewalk slam to D-Von now.

Taker starts to approach Heyman, Heyman threatens the lever, but the Dudleys attack Taker from behind so Taker can't get to Heyman. Heyman yanks the lever anyway, and now it's up to Bearer's shoulders. Bubba pulls up the lever. He's clearly not happy with this tomfoolery and wants to beat Taker legit. D-Von's beating Taker on the steel steps. Taker fights out of a chinlock but D-Von gets a flying uppercut. After a double suplex Bubba's taunting Taker to get up, hits some stuff which the camera misses, and gets a two-count. Rope choking! Because WWE's ring work in 2004 was largely awful. Bubba strips the announce table and hits Taker with the cover. This leads to a pin where Taker gets a rope break. Crowd ain't caring.

Taker's recovering, and he and Bubba do the tired staggering punches. D-Von's tossed out. Bubba gets a surprise sleeper but Taker counters with a back suplex. D-Von's in but hits the "Bundy Killer" flying clothesline. Snake Eyes, big boot, leg drop. Bubba comes in illegally, misses a corner splash so Taker can corner both of them. Old School for Bubba. Tombstone attempt on D-Von but D-Von hits Taker right in his dead nads. Double team neckbreaker, Heyman comes down to taunt Taker... but Taker sits up! Bubba can't counter a chokeslam, D-Von eats the Tombstone... that's it, Taker wins.

Heyman insists that this wasn't the plan, goes to finish the job on Bearer... lightning hits the truck! Heyman scurries to the back (he's so great at acting bullshit like this). Taker's able to free Paul Bearer... but he picks up a mic... "Paul, I have no choice... rest in peace". AND PULLS THE LEVER ANYWAY. Top babyface, everybody. Drowning a man in cement. For absolutely no reason.

What a surreal, stupid sack of shite.