Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

Excellent organization, good stuff

 

[Sky]

Entry #375
Braun Strowman vs. Bray Wyatt
Wyatt Swamp Fight
WWE The Horror Show at Extreme Rules - July 19, 2020​

I think we can pinpoint the point when pandemic wrestling seemed like it was about to drag at around July 2020. We got the SmackDown Karaoke Showdown (a waste of three women's talents, and also Tamina was there) and then nine days later we got this. A horror show. More of a nightmare. Not only was there an Eye for an Eye match, which was, as I remember it, quite good aside from the entire premise, we got this. WWE's seventh cinematic match of 2020 (I don't count the Greatest Wrestling Match Ever), and by all accounts the worst. The next step in the Braun/Bray feud. The Wyatt Swamp Fight. Let's endure it.

We start with Bray, in cult leader mode, in his rocking chair which happens to be in the middle of an open road. Braun drives up to it, and he's waddling in wide stance like he's shit himself. Lights out (they're outside) and Bray's gone. So Braun takes it out on the chair, tossing it at a sign containing the only quote from Dante's Inferno that anyone knows. (Side note: I'll make it my personal mission to let everyone know one other thing about Inferno - that they escape Hell by crawling through Satan's anus. Feels like this thread, in a way.)

Braun sees stock footage of pigs, rabbits, and buzzards as he wanders. A bunch of goons come out (in very Harper and Rowan-esque vests) and Braun fights them off. Cut to Bray in the Funhouse cheering Braun on. Braun really wants to see Bray face-to-face but he's shocked to find... himself? In his Black Sheep mask? I guess it's symbolic or something. Braun Classic knocks out New Braun with a shovel.

Braun finds himself chained to a chair, in a shed full of what appear to be rejected props from the House of Horrors match. Including, for some reason, one of those red-and-blue push-along cars. Here comes Cult Leader Bray again. Braun exploits the one-night-only TV-14 rating by calling Bray a bastard. Bray undergoes one of his typical, post-2016 rambling promos where he tries to convince Braun to join him. Braun (after listening to a couple of minutes of talking) refuses. Sister Abigail comes out with a snake that bites Braun, and he's out again!

Suddenly Braun's in front of a campfire, and he's attacked by the not-Harper and not-Rowan, along with a third guy. I think he's meant to represent Eli Cottonwood? Suddenly third guy catches on fire and Braun laughs like a fucking maniac. He's then tempted by the siren call of... GHOST ALEXA BLISS! In a Sister Abigail veil. Team LittleBig continuity shots show as Alexa's dialogue sounds weirdly sexual. Not at all weirdly, when you think about it, actually, given some of the shots they used. In comes Bray, and tries to remove Braun's eyes until Braun chokeslams him through a deck and into a boat. This is somehow the first time they've made contact with each other all match!

The boat floats away and returns without Bray. Braun trudges through this (probably parasite-filled) swamp to inspect the boat, but HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK Bray was right behind him. He tries to drown Braun as stock footage of alligators punctuates the risk. It looks like Braun's dead, but no, he bursts out. He's now on the deck again, but Bray stands over him, perfectly placed to give him a Bastion Booger-style Trip to the Batcave hit him with a shovel. Time to brawl again, while distorted Wyatt Family clips play. Bray screams and blaimes Braun for this. Braun staggers up and kicks Bray into the water... and there's no sign of him. Braun says "it's over", the copyright logo shows...

SIKE Bray drags him into the water with a Mandible Claw. They both disappear in the dark waters... which turn red and bubble for a Fiend appearance! "LET ME IN" no.

It's like the House of Horrors match and the MitB 2020 match had an incestuous baby and then the House of Horrors match drank and smoked during the pregnancy. Dumb pseudo "horror" stuff, weirdness for the sake of weirdness, unclear symbolism, and often just a lack of Any Thing Happening. I admire the production values that went into producing something so impenetrable and silly.

 

[Chris]

I was excited for this one and then I couldn't see anything and got sad

 

[Rosie]

Good intentions for the Swamp Fight.

Extend the feud with an encounter more about the story, try something different, did lead to the Alexa Bliss/Fiend Partnership which, sure, had some utter dumb shit with it, but the two had amazing chemistry and Alexa is a great actress who did her best, and try to add lore for Braun. But just weird, just bland pseudo-horror.

 

[Sky]

Entry #376
Braun Strowman (c) vs. The Fiend
Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WWE Universal Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 23, 2020​

Time for Braun Strowman to complete the set of bad matches with the Three Faces of Bray Wyatt! Spooky weirdness and symbolism have been replaced by... well, different spooky weirdness and symbolism, but now the Fiend cares about the title again! Which misunderstands the point of what the Fiend is! So fucking stupid. Again. Braun has been through a Lake of Reincarnation experience (whoops, wrong cinematic match location) which leads him to not care about Alexa Bliss being attacked and call himself a monster again. The result? This main event. One of the WrestleTalk 3 Count episodes (the one about the SummerSlams) called this match "absolutely awful trash". I don't know, I've seen absolutely awful trash. It's called Cena vs. Laurinaitis. But let's watch anyway.

Oh yeah and we're entering the Thunderdome era! So, instead of a tiny PC building, we get hairdryer noise and screens! Plus the lack of real people with their phone lights means this is the first big Bray entrance with no fireflies. An entrance that takes 3 minutes and 48 seconds. The canned crowd seems to suggest, by the way, that Braun is the heel. So the magic clown demon is the face. Good to know.

Braun goes right in, charging in the cornerm but Fiend just laughs. Comes back out with forearms, the Bray uranage, and then a couple of lame-looking neck snaps. Braun's now rolled out and is leaning against the rail. Fiend gets a toolbox and smashes Braun with it., laughing clownishly all the way. He strips the table, but Braun starts fighting back with big rights and a charge that breaks the barricade. After a few shots of vomit-inducingly shaky cam, Fiend stands right up. Braun gets him with a chokeslam that doesn't quite break the announce table enough and turns Fiend into, basically, Homer Simpson on the fire hydrant.



Fiend gets back up again and we get some standard Brawling On The Outside, before Braun picks up the steps and uses them as a weapon. There's an alternate universe where this is a stairs match. Braun hits a body avalanche and powerslam, but Fiend kicks out. Return of the Brawling On The Outside and they go up the ramp. The bright yellow LED ramp. Braun pushes Fiend's face against a screen, and they fight into Gorilla. I think this is our first shot of the ThunderDome Gorilla position, which became basically an iconic WWE location for about a year. Anyway, Braun gets bounced off walls and Fiend hits Sister Abigail on the floor. For a two-count. I hate cheapened finishers.

Fiend goes for the eyes and they're through the curtain, back to the ramp again. Fiend hits Braun into an LED screen so hard it breaks for a couple of seconds. Braun's head is busted open, and he's unable to stand while getting to ringside. Fiend tries to get the mandible claw but Braun fights back eventually, by shoving Fiend into the apron. Forearm club by Braun gets two on the floor. Braun finally gets the running powerslam, but it gets a two-count only. He may be concussed, I worry. Braun's next gambit: grabbing a box cutter and using it to strip the ring of canvas and reveal the wood. It immediately backfires on him as Fiend hits a uranage and a pair of Sister Abigails on the wood to become the new champ. Then Roman Reigns shows up in a "Wreck Everyone and Leave" shirt, wrecks everyone, and leaves. Even though he's heel now, he's got integrity.

Very typical dull match, of the type I call a "WCW main event match" because it's full of brawling on the outside and probably ends with a third party standing tall. Not "absolutely awful trash", but maybe Luke Owen hasn't watched anything outside of current WWE.

 

[Sky]

Entry #377
The Fiend vs. Randy Orton
Firefly Inferno Match
WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders, and Chairs - December 20, 2020​

Time for things to get SPICY, as we're entering the last era of the Fiend: the revenge tour against Randy Orton. Fiend's started by turning Alexa Bliss, and has reignited his feud with Orton (see what I did there? Fire? It's funny). This led to the main event of this show (because how do you follow it?) - a Firefly Inferno match. None of this "Ring of Fire" bullshit, the only way to win is to make your opponent crispier than they were when they came in. This actually has a pretty decent rating. Was it just because we pandemic wrestling fans didn't know any better? Was it because the last ever TLC, the show that preceded it, was a strong one overall? Or... was it actually good? We'll find out.

We kick off with a "Firefly Carol", which also serves as a video package for this match. We recap Bliss having gone Little Girl Mode, Orton setting a shed on fire in 2017, and the Fiend doing spooky Thunderdome stuff. Randy's out in a hoodie, conveniently adding more flammability to his body. I had to stopwatch Orton's entrance, because it felt even slower than usual: 3 minutes, 20 seconds. Fiend just barely beats it at 3:52. Orton is rather trepidatious entering the ring to meet the clown demon.

Long staredown for instant big fight feel. Randy comes in with strikes but Fiend no-sells and laughs at him, RKO teased but Fiend counters and starts smashing Orton in the corner. According to the canned crowd noise, Fiend is somehow STILL the babyface. Orton tries to open his hoodie a bit. Sister Abigail teased but Orton hits a dropkick. Fiend grinds Orton's eye against the top rope, no idea what that's meant to be aside from mildly inconvenient. Second Sister Abigail attempt blocked, Orton hits his over-the-back backbreaker. Fiend no-sells. Orton tries the RKO, Fiend counters, and finally we get Sister Abigail. And FINALLY we get the first fire as Fiend makes a bunch of sticks around the ring go up in flames.

Fiend tries to drag Orton toward the flame, and we get Brawling On The Outside and a bit of eye-raking. Fiend tries to shove Orton over the guardrail and into a bit of fire. He then pulls out a leather strap and starts whipping away at Orton. He sets the strap alight, trying to whip Orton with it, but misses. More BOTO before Fiend pulls out a PICKAXE, swings away, but misses. The pickaxe gets stuck, so Fiend just starts bashing Orton against things again. Fiend has a Bray Wyatt-style rocking chair and a petrol can, douses the wood and nearby floor, then brawls Orton into the chair. He lights the flame at the end of the fuel trail, but Orton gets away just in time.

Fiend tries to use the steel stairs but Orton hits him with an axe handle and uses the stairs himself. Orton's using a chain to punch and choke, and gets the Fiend close to the flames, but not quite. Back in the ring, Fiend hits a uranage, then one of those lame neck snaps. Orton wants the axe handle again but Fiend gets to it first, lights it... Orton stops him! Hangman's DDT on the apron! He wants the RKO... Fiend gets the mandible claw! Trying to push him into the flames... Orton turns around... Fiend's on fire! Orton wins! Burning Fiend still tries to fight, but Orton gets an RKO! Now the Fiend's just lying on the canvas... and then comes THAT shot. Orton pours petrol over the Fiend's body, gets a match... and creates a portion of Roast Magic Clown Demon. I know it was a pretaped part of the match with a dummy, but... WOW. That's hardcore.

This ain't one for the purists, obviously. But... dare I say it? This is actually not a bad match. It felt like the fire spots enhanced the match rather than took away. If this weren't an Inferno match, it would just be a boring slog. But, in reality, it's silly in a good way. It's a match that has a lot of detractors, so it still belongs here, but... GREEN MATCH.

 

[Sky]

Entry #378
Randy Orton vs. Alexa Bliss
WWE Fastlane - March 21, 2021​

Snap back to reality after that brief dash of fun. The Fiend was written off TV, and Alexa was sinking deeper and deeper into Little Girl Mode. She was the conduit for the Fiend, which led to... this match against Randy Orton. A proper intergender match, in 2021 WWE? Yeah, no way. There's gonna be shenanigans. Let's watch them.

There's a brief sound of someone using a drill (or something) during Orton's entrance. Tommy Facefuck on commentary, as during most of the pandemic era, but Samoa Joe too! This was such a weird era for the RAW commentary desk. Orton starts coughing up black ink, which of course is a tease for his future feud with Jonathan Gresham a sign of spooky bullshit. Alexa comes out to a messed up version of the Firefly Funhouse theme because AUDIO DISTORTION = CREEPY always. Who invented that trope? They don't deserve to breathe our air. Anyway, Alexa plays the little-girl act as both weirdly creepy and... oddly seductive? No idea. Her equivalent of the Fiend's red light is, apparently, pink light. Is Sin Cara (orange light) a member of the Fiend family? That's the question I'm asking!

Orton tries to approach Alexa, but by the power of camera trickery, a wall of fire comes up between them! He tries to charge again, but she dodges and he ends up in the ring post. Alexa taunts Orton and leads him slowly around the ring. Then she looks up to the sky, and a lighting rig crashes between them! How low is the roof in this place? That lighting rig did not fall nearly far enough. Alexa swings on the ropes, trying to lead Orton back in to play. She blows a kiss at him... then she blows a fireball! A hand emerges from a hell portal under the ring... then a burst of flame... then Bacon Face Fiend, in his only in-ring appearance! Alexa shoves Orton off the top rope so Fiend can hit Sister Abigail, then Alexa mounts Orton for the pin and win.

Aww. My soul really wants to make this a green match too, because I actually really dig the way Alexa plays her character in this match. Not gonna lie, Little Girl Lady Fiend is dogshit, but she really acts the hell out of it. But... I can't. It wouldn't make sense. It's just so stupid. An angle disguised as a match, with zero contact between the participants aside from a top rope shove.

 

[Sky]

Entry #379
The Fiend vs. Randy Orton
WWE WrestleMania 37 - April 11, 2021​

And so we come to the end of the Fiend's story. The last chapter. The big blowoff, the giant kablooie against Randall Keith. The one last payoff to the magic clown demon being set on fire and then coming back. I'm stalling for time. I know this was dumb. You know this was dumb. Let's remind ourselves.

Orton's entrance timer: 3 minutes, 55 seconds. And only when he's GOTTEN TO THE RING do they show the video package. This is why modern WWE production must be hell to watch live. Hopefully Netflix changes this without the need for ad breaks. Crispy Fiend is in some sort of... tunnel? He walks through it, and regenerates to regular ass Fiend. Crowd pops HUGE for this, despite Crispy Fiend looking cooler. Out comes little girl Alexa, who goes to a magical jack-in-the-box that has found its way to ringside somehow. She turns the crank, and out comes old Fiendy-Pops himself, clattering Orton with a lariat off the top of the box to jump-start the match. In red light, naturally.

Fiend's right out the gate with a uranage, his lame neck snap (you can't snap someone's neck like that), then takes the time to play to the crowd and do the upside-down thing. He's about to steal Orton's punt but Orton rolls to the outside. Back suplex to the announce table by Orton... Fiend gets the mandible claw! And... he releases the hold due to a rope break. Yes, this regular-rules singles match featuring a magic clown demon. One that was built to by an Inferno match.

Orton hits a hangman's DDT on Fiend, then pushes him into the ropes and into the box. Or "box-like structure", as Cole says. Anyway, Fiend's on the apron of the ring-like structure, where Orton drags his face through the rope-like lengths, kicking him with his boot-like clothing, and dropping him on his head-like body part. Fiend no-sells some rights, and starts hitting his moves. A lariat, a low crossbody, ground-and-pound... misses the senton. Orton tosses Fiend out, attacks him on the apron, then hits a third hangman's DDT. RKO teased, Fiend gets the mandible claw, teases Sister Abigail...

...and then fire comes out, and Alexa emerges from the box(-like structure). Not as a little girl, but as something entirely more creepy and inky. The Fiend is distracted (as the crowd chants "holy shit" thanks to having seen literally nothing in the ring for a year) so Orton can get an RKO for three. Fiend and Alexa stare at each other... lights out, and everyone's gone. Crowd's booing fairly loudly. Same.

What the fuck. I wondered when I first watched this: did WWE have literally no idea what the Fiend was meant to be, or how it worked, or anything? How do you die in a fire, come back, but still lose to a distraction and RKO? In only six minutes? Was this just an attempt to kill Bray Wyatt's career? Again? Mission accomplished. Fuck this match.

 

[Chris]

If I remember right he had a Fun House segment the next night that looked like a change of direction and we didn't see him again until his Extreme Rules return over a year later

 

[Rosie]

If I remember right he had a Fun House segment the next night that looked like a change of direction and we didn't see him again until his Extreme Rules return over a year later

All because they fucking released him.

Which frankly also hurt Alexa too given the fact she sort of inherited the Firefly Funhouse as "Fiend light," and she faced the bitterness of the fans who were more pissed at WWE for releasing him.

I'll always contend that Alexa was great at portraying the character. The whimsical childness was creepy but had a great energy and when she shedded it and became cold, slow it was genuinely chilling. Just she had a shit ton of spooky non-sense on top of it where even if you do everything you can, you're given a bad hand. Example: Lilly. Her having a doll to talk to and be her BFF, not the end of the world. Actually can be a nice dynamic... In e-feds I've done that with my Princess Nova character (WHO IS BASICALLY FUNHOUSE ALEXA BEFORE IT WAS A THING EXCEPT A PRINCESS AND LESS SPOOKY MAGIC NONSENSE! I DID IT FIRST! ASK NOSTRADAMUS!) where she had her "Fav teddy bear" she carried around and talked to like a real friend. But "Lilly" moved, winked, freaked people out, it was kind of stupid. Just re-reading The Fiend's end makes me sad.

Bray has always deserved better. When you let him wrestle, he can tell a good to great match story. Hoss who can move well and had good character work. WWE just always put Spooky nonsense on top of spooky nonsense with him. "Here's a creepy kid. Oh, here's fire! How about an LED projection on the ring? SPOOKY RED LIGHTING." on top of not letting him get many true "story victories" when it mattered. Mania 30? Either he wins the match (my choice), or Cena "wins" by having to go to a dark place. Giving Bray a moral win. Then rematch, rather than spooky kid, he wins because John is not willing to go to that place again, so he's beaten down for it. THEN the blow off where ideally Bray wins the match, or at least is strong in defeat.

His many fights with Undertaker? Should have won at least one of them. If not at Mania then another PPV. Randy? Should have won at Mania without spooky BS... Also should have been a 3-way with Luke Harper damnit! The late Brodie Lee got over and deserved it. Then Goldberg... The match shouldn't have even happened to begin with. Hell, Bray shouldn't have been near the title and instead focused on systematic revenge of all his enemies, only going for it to 'avenge' his last world title reign to finally get the world in his hands and maybe... Kill the title itself?

 

[Sky]

Entry #380
Bray Wyatt vs. LA Knight
Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match
WWE Royal Rumble - January 28, 2023​

This one's just going to be really sad, I'm sorry. So, Bray Wyatt was released under Vince, Triple H took over, and then this story began. Of white rabbits and QR codes. And some guy named Uncle Howdy who either was or wasn't Bray. Or was both at the same time; it was never explained. And this Howdy character seemed to be really interested in LA Knight. And the culmination of that? A sponsored content match. An intricate tale of mental struggles and identity... summed up in a match sponsored by the Baja Blast people. I hate that this was Bray's last match. I just hate it.

As LA Knight enters, commentary has no idea what the Pitch Black Match is meant to be. All we know is it's anything goes. "For the first time in nearly two years" Bray will be wrestling, says Michael Cole, in disbelief that creative have already fucked it somehow. Bray comes through the non-forbidden door, a sea of fireflies around him... but there's so many Mountain Dew logos around, and I'm just really sad. What the Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match is, apparently, is just a brawl with fluorescent paint everywhere. Yeah. Just a gimmick. Fuck. I don't want to do this one. Can we go back to Jenna/Sharmell? I miss that.

Bray leans back, and he's covered in fluorescent paint. LA Knight's gear also glows in the dark. It's all Wyatt to start with, tossing Knight about. There's a logo in the middle of the ring, and I understand why Vince hated logos now, It undermines what Bray's trying to do. He suplexes Knight from the corner. Commentary makes light of the whole thing by making a Spencer's Gifts reference and Pat McAfee doing a cum joke. An actual cum joke. Why am I doing this? I don't know anymore.

Brawling On The Outside, as Bray gets whipped into the steel stairs. Knight tries to set something up but Bray shoves him over the guardrail. He prepares the announce table for a break, and that means stripping it of its monitors... and glitter. There's glitter on the table. Bray tries to suplex Knight through the table but Knight fights off and hits a Side Effect(!!) on Bray through the table. Bray's coughing up glitter for some reason. Bray tosses a toolbox into the ring (teasing a Fiend thing?) but when he gets into the ring Knight tries to stop him. Uranage and BFT teased, and once again Knight's on the outside. He manages to retrieve a kendo stick to beat Bray with. A fluorescent light kendo stick. Bray soon gets Sister Abigail and wins.

Bray's eyes are red now for some reason. When we cut back from the instant replay, he has a mask on. Or, as Pat McAfee seems to think, he's had something grow on his face. Knight's trying to make haste, occasionally getting shots in with the glow-in-the-dark stick. Bray isn't selling. He puts on the mandible claw and knocks out LA Knight among a bunch of equipment. He looks up... and Uncle Howdy is there! Uncle Howdy goes to take out LA Knight with a big elbow drop off the top... and completely fucking misses! They can't find an angle that even looked like he made contact. The Firefly characters show up at the top of the ledge where Howdy was.

And that's our sendoff to Bray Wyatt. Whatever story was being attempted here was undermined by Mountain Dew, and glowing glitter. The last time we ever saw him, he was taking a backseat to Bo Dallas in a grey mask... and a corporate logo. I can't recall the last time a wrestling match just made me despair like this. Thankfully I never have to think about the wasting of Bray Wyatt's creative mind again.

Unless the Wyatt Sicks thing flops. I dread to think of that.

 

[Rosie]

I can confirm, I have never drank Mountain Dew since then.

 

[Storm Trooper]

I'm afraid to watch that match back know it's Brays last match. I don't know why I don't remember the match being shit.

Nice thing about looking back at recent matches is I can go to the live thread for that event and see what I saw in the moment. I said it was good for them to try it but don't do it again. I also said that this would have probably been much better in the ThunderDome when you didn't have to worry about the in-person audience.

I can confirm, I have never drank Mountain Dew since then.

Neither have I. Although I didn't drink it before either as I do not drink soda.

Was this match the reason you don't drink Dew?

 

[Rosie]

Was this match the reason you don't drink Dew?

In part yes.

Also because I have been reducing the amount of pop I drink.