Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #382
KroniK vs. The Mamalukes
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

Next match on the show is the return of KroniK! Brian Adams could be one of the leaders of this thread after I'm done with it. They face the future Rellik and the future dress-wearer (oh yeah, there's so much bad wrestling I'll never be done with it) in a match to be sort of Number 1 contenders to the tag titles? It's really not clear. Also one of the stereotypes is the Hardcore Champion, but they can't agree on who.

KroniK brawl the Mamalukes out of the ring so they can polish up the Hardcore Title really nice. We start with Clark and Johnny the Bull. Clark brawls Johnny into the corner, no-sells his offence, then hits a uranage. Jumping shoulder knocks Johnny out of the ring, so we start some standard WCW Brawling On The Outside! Including a Russian legsweep against the guardrail. Johnny gets a spin kick to down Clark, then Vito comes in for a double axe handle and beatdown. Vito's wearing the Hardcore Title belt, by the way. Vito back-and-forth brawls with Clark for a bit, but Clark refuses to sell still. Johnny eats a spinning backbreaker.

In comes Adams, who starts to murder Johnny a bit, somehow even more slowly. Full nelson slam by Adams forces Vito to break up the pin. Johnny tries to float over on the top rope but Clark catches him into a powerslam for two. "Vito sucks" chant when Vito isn't even the legal man, which I think is go-away heat. Would not surprise me. Johnny hits a jumping clothesline, fails to suplex Adams, and takes a gorilla press gutbuster. Once again Vito breaks up the pin. He gets a cheeky kick, Johnny hits a DDT, but can't capitalise. Now Vito, who's STILL wearing the strap, and does some "very impressive" punches and a hair-pull.

Adams dodges a corner charge and Clark comes in to assist on a double back body drop. They remove the title from Vito and Clark derisively throws it away, showing it holds as much value to him as it does the fans. Adams hits an honest to goodness BRAINBUSTER, which ultimately looks better than anything else so far. And Vito kicks out at ONE. These people are insane. Mafia Kick, double hot tag. Johnny is the house on fire, powerslams Clark, goes to the top rope... and botches jumping up! I'm pretty sure Clark was meant to roll away from the resulting crossbody, but it takes Johnny long enough that he can do a Samoa Joe walk! Vito doesn't care about Johnny's plight, only the title, so Johnny eats a shoulderblock and High Times to give the match to KroniK.

Very generic brawling, and all the things that are cool (or could be cool) were botched or booked into mediocrity. WCW!

 

[Sky]

Entry #383
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Mike Awesome
Ambulance Match
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

Hey, remember that time Mike Awesome decided to re-enact the death of Owen Hart in the same arena close to the one-year anniversary? Yeah, they made a story out of that! DDP is pissed off that his friend Kanyon is now just a crater in the Kemper Arena's walkway, and so he's challenging Mike Awesome in his signature match... which Awesome always lost. Great gimmick! Also, according to the pre-match interview, Pamela Paulshock can't pronounce the world "ambulance".

DDP wheels out Kanyon in his chair, and now I'm immediately expecting him to either reveal he's faking it or get Zack Rydered. Awesome IMMEDIATELY bumps the referee, as if an ambulance match had DQs anyway. Time for brawling on the outside, and DDP gets tossed over the guardrail and into the crowd. Both men have chairs, "like a samurai warrior", according to Schiavone. Steel chairs are more effective weapons than katanas anyway. Awesome gets his chair knocked out, DDP's chair in his face, and takes a neckbreaker. He then hits a top rope back elbow and a back suplex. Ref's awake.

Warrior-style running splash by Awesome. He starts beating hard on DDP, with offence ranging from a Snake Eyes to grinding DDP's face on the rope. Awesome gets the tables. There's going to be at least 3 table bumps in a Best of 5 Tables Match later on this show, so why bring a table here? Awesome Bomb through the table! Medical types try to lift DDP on to a trolley and take him to the ambulance but he rolls off. Awesome lays in with a chair, then hits DDP with a couple of frog splashes, but misses a third and lands on the chairs. Out comes Kimberly with a metal pipe and smashes DDP in the back with it, but Miss Hancock follows and drags Kimberly away hair-first.

Naturally, Awesome tries to finish it with an Awesome Bomb off the top, but DDP punches him right in his Fat Chick Thrillers and hits the Diamond Cutter off the corner. Awesome's on the trolly, DDP's following... Eric Bischoff's music hits? He's here with a chair, DDP deals with him... KANYON STANDS UP! And hits the Kanyon Kutter off the stage! Kanyon's joined the New Blood, and it's yet another nonsensical Russo swerve! And yet another person has betrayed DDP! Kanyon gets DDP on the trolley and Awesome wheels it to the ambulance to finish it. All the while, Bisch's music is still playing.

Would it hurt WCW to let a match breathe? Do they have to pile interference on interference and then "subvert the fans' expectations" by doing something that makes no fucking sense? We're only on match 3. There's still two hours of content here.

 

[Sky]

Entry #384
GI Bro vs. Shawn Stasiak
Boot Camp Match
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

Oh yeah, Slaughter/Sheik this ain't. The story here is apparently that Booker T was helping the Misfits in Action, so Booker T got fired. And so returned GI BRO! Booker doing a military gimmick like all the other joke military gimmicks in this company. And he's fighting Shawn Stasiak who has been at it with the Misfits recently. Let's go.

We start with Booker T ziplining down to the ring, immediately after a match which could have been called the "Fuck Owen Hart lol" match. Feels rather tasteless. Stasiak appears to have blacked up. We start with brawling in the aisle, which devolves into standard WCW Brawling On The Outside pretty quickly. You want face bashes? We've got face bashes! Back in the ring Stasiak has control but Booker ducks a clothesline, slams him, and sends him out. Double axe handle off the apron by Booker, who then shoves Stasiak into the crowd. After a bit of brawling behind the rail, Booker grabs a chair and lightly brushes Stasiak with it. In the ring again, Booker gently taps Stasiak on the head off the top rope, and the ref administers a standing ten-count that goes to eight.

Stasiak counters cornered punches with an inverted atomic drop. Grounded choking! And ROPE CHOKING! Jumping back elbow, and Booker survives afer a count of eight. He gets a boot up in the corner, and hits a side kick for five. Back into the aisle where the walk-and-brawl continues. Stasiak hits a suplex on the ramp, which would be an interesting spot if Booker hadn't visibly landed feet first and killed the impact. Booker again beats the count so they just walk-and-brawl back to the ring. Stasiak gets a flying clothesline, and Booker barely beats the count. Booker counters a suplex attempt into a suplex of his own, but Stasiak clotheslines him down to force another close count from Booker.

Back to Brawling On The Outside! And in the crowd, because you've got to at least hype someone, even if the match sucks. Booker survives another count after a chair shot. Stasiak hits a gutwrench powerbomb, and once again Booker's living after a very close count. After a decent bit of working the back, Stasiak forgets about everything and puts on a sleeper. Boos and "boring" chants ring out INSTANTLY. This lasts about a minute, where Booker does the arm-drop routine and fights out. He hits Stasiak wth a back suplex but eats a back elbow. Booker hits the side kick, Book End, but Stasiak's still alive.

Missile dropkick by Booker... Stasiak's count is interrupted by Chuck Palumbo interfering and trying to hit Booker with the Lex Flexer. Palumbo's downed, but Stasiak hits Booker in the nuts with that unusual dumbbell. They both stomp away at the back of Booker, but he gets up and clotheslines him down. SPINAROONIE because this match needed that. Booker goes for a beatdown. Palumbo badly undersells everything including a Lex Flexer shot. Thankfully Stasiak stays down for the ten.

Really, really dull. That's all.

 

[Sky]

Entry #385
The Franchise vs. The Wall
Best of 5 Tables Match
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

Next up: it's tables time! Shane Douglas briefly teamed with the Wall earlier, but decided to abandon him in the MIDDLE OF THEIR FIRST MATCH, because Vince Russo was on crack. And since the Wall's thing is tables, it's a tables match.

Shane starts off by CUTTING A PROMO! He buries Hogan and "Dick Flair" and says they're Going To Lose The Upcoming Matches, then announces there will be five table bumps tonight, not just one. We start with Generic Brawling because that was wrestling in those days! Wall hits Shane with a gorilla press slam then shit-talks him on the mat. He counters a Shane neckbreaker attempt and just keeps dominating him. Shane gets a high knee to reverse the direction, counters a lifting choke, and hits a front suplex and reverse neckbreaker. To the outside, Wall is dropkicked over (not through) a table. Commentary seems to think that it's five tables required, not best of five. Brawling On The Outside! Shane tries to suplex Wall through a table but gets chokeslammed (Franchise 0-1 Wall).

The BOTO continues. Shane's not really selling his back. Wall, in short order, gets a second table break with a back suplex (Franchise 0-2 Wall). Commentary finally figures out the rules, then starts arguing about baseball cliches. Shane gets a pop-up kick to the nuts, then another low blow. Mark Madden specifically calls what the Wall does "no-selling". Shoot me. Right in the fucking head. They walk-and-brawl over to a conveniently-placed stack of three tables with a conveniently-placed ladder nearby. Both climb the ladder as E-C-Dub chants ring out. Wall preps a chokeslam but Shane grabs brass knuckles to punch Wall off the stack of three and win (Franchise 3-2 Wall). Wall refuses being stretchered off and puts the ref through a table.

Mindless brawling, kind of buries the concept of the table spot honestly.

 

[Sky]

Entry #386
Scott Steiner (c) vs. Rick Steiner/Tank Abbott
Handicap Asylum Match for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

Where were we? Oh yeah, Tank Abbott! The guy who pulled a knife at SuperBrawl 2000 (fuck, I have to watch that too) is now getting a title shot. And it's in Scott Steiner's favourite match, a weird cage that's too small to do anything in! Let's watch.

It actually starts as just Scott vs. Tank. They brawl a bit, then Penzer chimes in to announce that, since this is Scott Steiner's signature match, it's not fair to Tank. So, Rick Steiner gets added. Uh, what? We just had a signature match between Shane Douglas and the Wall, and they didn't add anyone to that. Maybe they should have added Chris Candido. It would at least have been better. By the way, Scott's belly-to-belly count is up to 1 even during the initial brawl. They slowly lower the far-too-small cylindrical cage as Scott takes punishment. Fans want Goldberg. He is not forthcoming.

Okay, so I guess the match begins. This is just a beatdown. Not like there's enough room to do anything else. Rick threatens Scott's freaks from inside the cage. Rick holds Scott back while Tank preps a chain, but doesn't seem to want Tank to use it, for about two seconds. When he does hold Scott back, Tank hits him with the chain. I'm guessing this was meant to be Rick taking the bullet for his brother, but it really doesn't come off that way, more just the MMA moron missing. Anyway, Scott uppercuts Tank in the nuts, uses the chain, and makes Tank submit in the Recliner.

Not just screwiness, but botched screwiness. Tank Abbott looks like a complete loser, Rick Steiner looks like an idiot, and the cage is too small. Fuck it all.

 

[Sky]

Entry #387
Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. Billy Kidman
Career vs. Title Shot Match
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

We now move on to a match in this rivalry! Unlike most WCW Hogan feuds, where only Hogan got over... in this case, NOT EVEN Hogan got over from it. He would beat up Kidman for what felt like a year then lose by shenanigans. Also Horace Hogan is special ref.

I'm sad that they dubbed the nWo theme over this Hogan entrance and not the cool dub theme they use for 2002 WWE. Horace in a ref shirt and jeans looks like a rejected Village People member. Hogan's immediately dominating Kidman with brawling. They briefly go to the outside but change their minds. Hogan hits the big boot but Kidman rolls out for the second time, Which means... say it with me... Hogan bashing Kidman against the furniture! True WCW Brawling On The Outside. Also eye pokes, because Hulk Hogan has never been a babyface. Back on the inside, Hogan chokes Kidman a bit.

Kidman gets his first offensive move 2:54 into the match, with an eye rake. He does some forearm clubs, kicks, and corner chokes before Hogan decides he's done selling and gets a mule kick to the nuts. Time for whipping with the weight belt. For once, Mark Madden is the only sane person in the room calling this out. Kidman rolls out a THIRD time. Hogan grabs a chair but Kidman dropkicks it into his face. A few chair shots to the back, then Kidman rolls Hogan into the ring for two. Then they're out AGAIN, and the Brawling On The Outside puts Hogan in control again, where he leathers Kidman with the chair. "Where's Silver King" sign. Same.

Hogan lays out the steel chair but Kidman DDTs him "on to it". I use quotes there because Hogan's head is visibly several inches off the ground, even beyond what you'd expect for a safe DDT. It only gets two because SuperHogan. Kidman gets a frog splash for another two, and argues with Horace about the noticeably slow count. Hogan stops selling, points, and comes in with rights and corner punches. Outside for the fifth time. Kidman shoves Hogan into the ring post, but he doesn't sell it and hip tosses Kidman into the announce table.

Out comes Torrie. She tries to pass brass knuckles to Hogan, but Kidman shoves Hogan into Torrie. Kidman uses the brass knuckles, but only gets two because Hogan is a god among men who should be treated as such. Horace pulls Kidman off his uncle, so Kidman knocks Horace out. Torrie hits Kidman in the nuts. Brass knuckles punch gets the INCREDIBLY slow three count for Hogan.

Utter wank. No idea why this isn't talked about in Worst of WCW 2000 lists. Kidman getting murdered and then something stupid happens. Story of this feud.

 

[Sky]

Entry #388
Ric Flair vs. David Flair
Ric Flair's Career on the Line
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

And now we move on to Vince Russo's wank fantasy: humiliating Ric Flair. Wait, that was Jim Herd's fantasy too. And Eric Bischoff's. WCW since about 1990 was apparently just a story of pissing all over their biggest legend. So anyway, this is the father/son feud that proved that David Flair was somehow worse at everything than a broomstick. Including looking like a broomstick (though he tried, with his hair). Ric's got to retire if he loses. Let's see what happens.

The Flair family all have ringside seats for this (oh hey, young Charlotte!). "Reid is my favourite Flair" sign. Madden's on commentary making up bullshit. "If Flair and Hogan are on Nitro tomorrow, I'm gonna bust" -keep it to yourself, Madden. "Russo sucks" chants in the opening exchanges. Ric takes David into the corner and slaps him. A couple of lock-ups see David get Ric in the corner and do some chops. He then whips Ric into the other corner and Ric does his flippy bump. Now on the outside, David's chops continue. They go back in, David hits a suplex, and then puts on a SLEEPER HOLD! Ric manages to back suplex out of it before I lose the will to live a little more.

Now Ric tears David's shirt off (did I mention David's in jeans and a shirt) and delivers the famous chops. Ric's dominating David, even going to the outside for more chopping. David awkwardly does a clothesline duck and clotheslines Flair to the outside. Ref distraction so Russo can hit Ric with a bat and handcuff him. David puts on the Figure Four, and Russo holds David down for extra leverage. Ric survives though. David does some really shitty ground-and-pound until ref Charles Robinson pulls him off. This allows Russo to get some choking in. Reid interferes and eventually gets Russo in his nuts.

Reid drops the keys so Ric can be un-handcuffed. Meanwhile, on the outside, Russo is being mounted by Young Charlotte who is handcuffing him. She's 14 at this point, just saying. I'm not saying Vince Russo has sexual fantasies about being mounted and handcuffed by 14-year-old girls, but I just can't see any other reason why this spot was chosen. Now time for Ric to dominate again. David somehow manages to make the Flair flip-over-the-corner bump look bad. He gets an eye poke, and goes to the top rope... silly David, you never go to the top rope as a Flair! Knee drop, punch flurry, Ric hurts David's knee against the ropes, then Figure Four wins it for Ric.

Post-match, Ric chops Russo and celebrates with his family. Russo insists that the feud will continue on Nitro. Because he enjoys humiliating Ric Flair, but he won't let anyone else but himself do it. This sucked, but was somehow the best match of the night due to featuring Ric Flair in it.

 

[Sky]

Entry #389
Sting vs. Vampiro
Human Torch Match
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

Vampiro vs. Sting... what an awful feud that was. Vampiro decides he wants to light Sting on fire, because someone at WCW forgot that the Inferno stip sucks all the cock. Let's go.

There's a whole fully-equipped fire engine in the back. The torch where you light your foe on fire isn't even in the ring, it's in the entranceway... until Sting raises it up to above the big screen. Vampiro seems to be afraid of heights, with how indignant he is at this.

We kick off in the ring, where Vampiro hits a spin kick. Sting gets a running powerslam, a bulldog on Vampiro, but Vampiro gets the boot up for the Stinger Splash. Sting then flapjacks Vampiro into the corner, but misses the Stinger Splash again. Vampiro sees Sting draped over the corner and douses him in petrol. They brawl in the aisle! It's like Brawling On The Outside, but with more walking. Vampiro's punches look so fake. They've made it to the entranceway. "I'm not sure anybody wants to see this" -Schiavone, speaking the truth.

This starts to take on the worst qualities of a scaffold match (that is, a lot of climbing). Sting takes a bump off the scaffolding on to the standard Collapsible Part Of The Stage that every WCW show around this time has. The lights start flashing in stupid ways when both men are on top. They continue to brawl, and there's long periods where we can't see either man. And not just because of the lighting. Vampiro grabs the torch but Sting gets a nutshot in. There's legit several shots where we see absolutely no one. Lights go out completely when Vampiro grabs the torch, and he sets Sting alight. They use long shots to obscure the fact that Sting has transformed into a stuntman called Dave or something. "Steve Borden is... he's a father, man" AND NOW IT'S A WORKED SHOOT! As if I didn't hate this enough.

This comes dangerously close to hitting the Worst 20, just by how dumb every little thing about this is.

 

[Chris]

Have you done the Graveyard match with the Demon and Vampire yet

 

[Sky]

Have you done the Graveyard match with the Demon and Vampire yet

That's Bash at the Beach 2000, which is next. At least it doesn't have all of its matches being bad

 

[Rosie]

Graveyard match: Shit in 2000, could have been fun in 2020.

 

[Sky]

Entry #390
Jeff Jarrett (c) vs. Kevin Nash
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW The Great American Bash - June 11, 2000​

Okay, this is the main event, and I know exactly how it's going to go, without even looking at results or reviews. It's going to be mostly brawling on the outside, and then something screwy happens, someone wins, but it won't matter because the title will change hands a million times on TV anyway. I want to get this generic WCW main event over with, so I'm taking the executive decision: I'm going to phone in this review. You'll only get the bare minimum for me. I'm tired of WCW main events. They fucking suck. I just want a bit of change in life.

After the entrances, Ernest "The Cat" Miller comes out with his shitty dubbed music. I can't stand the MIDI brass. He announces a bunch of special guests: the Filthy Animalz! Konnan is bell-ringer, Rey is timekeeper, Disco is belt-keeper, Juvi is special announcer... and Cat himself is the special outside referee! Shenanigans already. Okay, now phoning in.

Nash dominates early, Animalz get on the apron, this clears the way for Jarrett. Jarrett does know how to throw a punch though. Nash gets back on top and corners Jarrett. Cat tells him to back off. He hears something which makes the crowd chant for Goldberg. To the outside for some Brawling On The Outside. Jarrett to the guardrail, then Nash gives him Snake Eyes on the announce table. Brawling goes into the crowd. This hypes up a bunch of Americans who want to get on TV. Nash uses a chair, but Rey brings a chair of his own to hit Nash's knee. REF FIGHT! Mickey Jay doesn't want to DQ Jarrett for some reason. Fans still want Goldberg.

Jarrett works the knee with help of the ring post. He tries the Figure Four but Nash shoves him off. A single leg Boston crab follows, and Madden's actually smart explaining how the single leg crab works that leg but the full crab is mostly a back submission. Figure Four locked in, but Nash survives. When it's broken up, Jarrett distracts the ref while Konnan nails Nash with the ring bell. It only gets two. Nash brawls, and sidewalk slam for two. Big Sexy cleans up the Animalz, dodges a belt shot and then uses the belt himself. This would win but Disco attacks the ref. Nash chases him down and eats Filthy Animalz offense. Fans still want Goldberg.

Cat is ref now and administers a standing ten-count. Jarrett gets an arm draped, which leads to a fast count that Nash beats. Nash wipes out the Animalz some more but takes a Stroke. Jarrett stalls on the pin though so Nash lives. Jarrett grabs a guitar but Nash catches him and gets a chokeslam. Cat only counts two then fakes being poked in the eye. Time for Cat to take a Jackknife. A THIRD ref comes in to count Nash's pin, but RICK STEINER comes in to take out Nash. Is he a babyface now or isn't he?? Now it's Tank Abbott, Scott Steiner's here too. I'm bewildered. FINALLY Goldberg's truck shows up. Goldberg's in with his Steve Austin vest, ready to spear Jarrett... but he spears Nash instead! Goldberg's heel now, he and Bischoff/Russo are in cahoots, Jarrett wins.

I mean... sure. Sure, Russo, you should totally turn your top babyface and biggest draw heel for no reason but SWERVE BRO. On top of having the most ridiculous kind of overbooking. Fucking shit.