Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

It was never announced as falls count anywhere until the ref just started counting outside

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #406
Lance Storm/Jim Duggan (c) vs. General Hugh G. Rection
Handicap Match for the WCW United States Championship
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 29, 2000​

There's three more bad matches on this fucking show. Why was I put on this earth. Fuck. We've got Lance Storm slumming it with old man Duggan and a guy who is named Stiff Penis.

Storm continues the streak of pre-match promos by saying he's Going To Win The Upcoming Match and hosting a playing of the Canadian anthem. Hugh Morrus as an All-American babyface is just wrong. Duggan fights the ref over his 2x4. We start with... oh fucking fuck, Duggan vs. Morrus. And Duggan's obviously got the advantage early, swinging away with legs and arms. Morrus tosses Duggan out and then starts to murder Storm with clothesline after clothesline. Storm hits some chops that Morrus doesn't sell (of course, he's wrestling in a shirt!) and lifts out of cornered punches to do an inverted atomic drop.

Duggan's back, to put on a wristlock and tag out again. Morrus tosses Storm out, and when Duggan's in, Storm pulls down the ropes so Morrus wipes out. Now they're brawling on the outside, but not Brawling On The Outside. If that makes sense. Duggan tries to toss the ref out (guess that's legal under Canadian Rules) and then uses a fucking rope choke. Duggan drags Morrus into Storm's boot, then tags out for Storm to get two. Storm hits a superkick for another two-count. I'm really noticing a pattern that Morrus gets a lot more offence when Storm's in than when Duggan is. Duggan slams and goes for the three-point stance, but Morrus gets a clothesline of his own and it's a double down. Storm gets a hot tag and slaps on a sleeper, which does a lot until Morrus gets a back suplex.

Storm gets a sneaky tag into Duggan, but then screws up by hitting Duggan by mistake. Morrus can now take on both men at once. Canadian Maple Leaf teased by Storm, but Morrus hits a powerslam. Duggan tries to break up the pin but stomps Storm. The REF gets involved in the OVW rope-running sequence (you know the one), then gets bumped because of course. Duggan's the only man up, and he piledrives Morrus and counts his own pin. Ref wakes up to count the pin for real, Morrus kicks out and puts Duggan on top of the ref BUMPING HIM AGAIN! Elix Skipper tries to interfere but Major Gunns hits him with the Canadian flag, and stops Storm from entering again! Duggan tries the 2x4 but Morrus legsweeps him and hits No Laughing Matter! The US Title and Major Gunns are both American again!

Incredibly absurd end sequence paired with a really dull match beforehand.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #407
Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 29, 2000​

Please make it stop. Jarrett has promised something special and in the Halloween spirit for this match. I guarantee it's something silly.

Sting comes out, with a typically Stingish entrance. Jarrett is walking away but Sting goes to attack him, and I guess we're immediately into Brawling On The Outside. God forbid we have an actual wrestling match. Sting's using a chair and the Rails of Pain. Back in the ring, Sting's doing a Stinger Splash, but misses a second. Inverted atomic drop to Jarrett and now he's on the outside again. Out comes... another Sting? In his Surfer mode? Sting (2000) goes to attack Sting (1989), and they walk-and-brawl up the ramp. Surfer eats a Scorpion Death Drop on the ramp, and now Jarrett rejoins the fray. They're into the crowd now. In comes another Sting (1990), who battles current Sting, takes out a camera, and goes to the ring. He does decently but gets beaten up and Scorpion Death Dropped on the ramp.

Jarrett tries to appeal to the crowd and gets booed. The fucking Wolfpac theme hits, and out comes a third Sting! It's Sting (1998)! "This guy looks like a real jackass" says Mark Madden, being right for once. Sting takes Sunburn Steve's bat, beats on him, and gives him the same fate as the other two. Now Jarrett can grab the bat and hit Sting, ending in a snap suplex on the ramp before walk-and-brawling him back to the ring. Jarrett hits Sting (the real one) with a chair in the nuts. In the ring, Jarrett gets a back elbow for two. Jarrett goes for a sleeper, and Sting goes through the arm-drop routine before fighting back. Sting tries a sleeper of his own but Jarrett back suplexes him, and gets a delayed pin for two.

Sting starts brawling, no-selling, and grabbing the ropes so Jarrett misses a dropkick. Scorpion Deathlock teased, but Sting (1996-97) emerges from through the mat and drags Sting into the hell portal. He re-emerges with the fake covered in blood and tosses him out. Stinger Splashes to Jarrett, Scorpion Death Drop teased... the lights go out and now ANOTHER Sting (1996-97) rappels down! And his wig falls off! Madden makes an "In the Year 2525" reference while Sting hits a Scorpion Death Drop through the table. Scorpion Deathlock on Jarrett now, but Impostor #4 (the bloody one) hits a guitar shot! Sting no-sells, Scorpion Death Drop on the fake, but Jarrett gets a guitar shot properly for the win.

So overbooked and silly that I can't help but be bewildered. If it were this stupid but in a less monotonous wrestling style (I fucking hate WCW 2000 and I never want to see it again), it could have been a green match.

 

[Chris]

If that was the only fuckery match on the card it could have been fun

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #408
Goldberg vs. KroniK
Elimination Handicap Match
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 29, 2000​

Dear fucking God just let it end. Goldberg is meant to be in this match but was hurt, and KroniK pushed it to the end of the night so the central intrigue of this entire show is "will we get a Goldberg match?". The answer is yes. Will it be good? The answer is no.

I forgot to note that Jarrett/Sting didn't have a pre-match promo, so that's that streak gone. Just mentioning this because Brian Adams has one. We go to the back... Goldberg's cleared! And he already almost unclears himself by headbutting his door. He goes in to take on KroniK. Obviously it's 2-on-1, and they manage to dominate early. KroniK toss Goldberg to the outside, and they're smashing away. Back in the ring, double clothesline, and Clark is unloading while Adams gets a table. KroniK try to give Goldberg High Times through the table in the corner, but Goldberg fights back. He clears Adams and spears Clark through the table to eliminate him. Adams hits a full nelson slam but Goldberg powers out, fights back, spear, Jackhammer, and the crowd is sent home... well, if not happy, at least not depressed.

Meh. WCW 2000 has broken me. Whatever WWE show with a bad match I see next will probably look amazing by comparison.

 

[Rosie]

and the crowd is sent home... well, if not happy, at least not depressed.​

They're sent home, which is better than this show.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #409
Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Cain Velasquez
for the WWE Championship
WWE Crown Jewel - October 31, 2019​

I figured I needed to cleanse my palate from WCW 2000, so here's some big ones. This, then Strowman vs. Fury. The two embarrassing Wrestler vs. Legit Punchy Man matches from this show. This would also clean up the last Flop 50 match under the WWE umbrella. Let's do it.

They took the belt off Kofi for this shit. Just a reminder. And then Kofi went back to his happy clappy smiling self for the Tag Team Turmoil match later tonight. The one-armed Rey Mysterio comes out with Velasquez. This gets full introductions, with Heyman helping out for Lesnar's part. This is worked MMA, basically, as you'd expect. Both being really cagey. Lesnar goes for a takedown and corners Velasquez. And then they're just hugging in the corner. Velasquez gets a few strikes before Lesnar takes them into the corner for a hug again. Velasquez downs Lesnar with a kick to the head but Lesnar gets on a Kimura outtanowhere to get the win by submission.

He keeps the hold on (and yet, no reversed decision?) until Rey comes in with a chair. Lesnar wipes out Rey, and now uses the chair to attack Velasquez. Rey comes in with a second chair and clears off Lesnar to stand tall. This builds to Lesnar/Rey at Survivor Series, which was... okay I guess.

I'm sure this was in some way compelling to MMA fans, but for me? That was nothing. Three minutes of nothing.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #410
Braun Strowman vs. Tyson Fury
WWE Crown Jewel - October 31, 2019​

Part 2 of "why Crown Jewel 2019 sucked": this! Tyson Fury's first and only wrestling match. Zero way this could be anything approaching decent, but let's watch anyway.

Fury gets an incredibly OTT entrance with unfitting music (and traditional Arab dress, which he takes off mid-entrance). Full introductions for this one too. Lock-up, and Fury pushes Strowman into the corner. Another lock-up, and Fury's on the ropes. Strowman tries to give Fury these hands but gets punched himself, boxing-style. Strowman gets a wristlock but Fury eventually flips through, Side headlock by Fury. Strowman fights out, they go off the ropes, and Strowman gets a big boot which Fury sells by... just sitting down. Strowman's just overpowering Fury with things like headbutts. However, Fury dodges a corner charge and Strowman goes into the ring post shoulder-first.

They go to the outside, Strowman charges Fury into the apron and hits a right. The Strowman Express goes for a circuit round the ring, but Fury counters the charge with a Roman Reigns-style Drive-By. Fury misses a right and Strowman wants the powerslam, but Fury trips him. He seems to want a 619 (fucking hell, imagine that) but Strowman just stands up to eat a big boot. Fury has no idea how to pin his man but gets two anyway. Strowman backs Fury into the corner and hits a blow to the chest... Fury does an Undertaker sit-up, just because he always wanted to do it, seemingly. Fury gets a boot up but walks right into a front powerslam.

Fury's rolled to the outside, so the Strowman Express is back in business, successfully this time. And then again. Strowman rolls Fury back in, but Fury gets a right hook to knock Strowman out on the outside! This ends in a count-out. Post-match, Braun comes back in and hits the running powerslam, which Fury gets up from a few seconds later. There's a reason why he never had any other matches.

Honestly? Not worst-of-all-time bad. Still bad, Fury didn't know how to sell, but not deserving of its rating.

 

[Chris]

I thought that one was going okay the finish just kinda ruined any thing good it had going

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #403
David Flair vs. Buff Bagwell
DNA First Blood Match
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 29, 2000​

Next up we have... oh FUCK no. Two of my least favourite wrestlers. In a very stupid storyline involving the paternity of a pregnancy that even in kayfabe was fake. And it will be decided by a First Blood match.

They notably only call it a "DNA Match", making it ambiguous what bit of DNA will be involved. Mark Madden immediately goes where I was about to go by suggesting cum. Bagwell grabs a mic and promos on David's tiny penis. David is out, DNA test kit in hand. He immediately proves he's off the pace. And that's the pace of BUFF BAGWELL. The first couple of minutes or so is David getting tossed around like an idiot while Bagwell taunts and poses. David tries to sunset flip an actual wrestler, does his dad's turnbuckle bump, and then tries and fails to go to the top rope. That's it. It's really nondescript otherwise. He even does a Flair Flop. Madden calls it as "doing all his father's spots". Every time Madden does an insider reference death loses a little of its sting.

Bagwell Weekend-at-Bernies David to do his own poses, until David hits an elbow to the gut. Time for Brawling On The Outside. David exposes the concrete and goes for a piledriver but gets back body dropped. The ref starts a count! How does a First Blood match end with a double down?! David swings a chair but finds only the ring post. Bagwell crotches him on the ropes, and gets a chair shot, before posing so David can conspicuously blade. Ref doesn't notice until David comes back in the ring and hits a Blockbuster. Bagwell's Totally Buffed teammate comes out to celebrate... and betrays him, handing David Flair the win! For no reason at all! Bagwell gets a ring full of post and David gets to test some DNA after all.

So, an utterly charmless match, without any highlights, and then the finish is botched, and the result straight up doesn't matter? Fuck that.

When I saw DNA match I (like you) seriously thought Russo was gonna have Davin Flair or Buff Bagwell lose the match via ejaculation.

Then I imagine a fight where they just trying to stroke the other guy but prevent themselves from getting off. I think that was the Brazzers version of this match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #411
Terry Funk vs. Moondog Spot
The Wrestling Classic Tournament First Round Match
WWF The Wrestling Classic - November 7, 1985​

Decided to be a bit more selective with what I watch because I don't want to leave anything bad unwatched before the Network disappears. And why not start with the only remaining minus 5 star match from Dave? That will be next, because this one was the only other on this show to get zero stars or less and is also very short. Let's see.

I never got the Moondogs. What was their appeal? They're just big dudes with beards who carry giant bones. Funk decides he doesn't want to wrestle and tries to force a draw. Both leave the ring. Funk tries to attack Spot and make a break to the ring himself. They brawl a bit on the outside, then Funk lifts Spot into the ring by mistake, getting counted out and looking like a total idiot.

It is GREAT heel work though. The only reason it doesn't creep into green match territory is Terry Funk is a guy I'd have actually liked to see wrestle.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #412
Junkyard Dog vs. Moondog Spot
The Wrestling Classic Tournament Second Round Match
WWF The Wrestling Classic - November 7, 1985​

And here we have it... the first ever minus five star match, and the last minus five star match (from Dave at least) that I have to review. It's only 45 seconds long... how is it the worst possible, on par with Hogan/Warrior and Bushwhackers/Sheik and Volkoff? We'll see.

Holy shit, JYD is really popular. No bell rings to start the match, and there's no referee. Spot gets some shots to the head and a knee drop, then goes for a splash but misses. JYD does his crawling headbutts, then downs Spot with a headbutt. There's still no ref. JYD counts his own three-count pin. This is apparently official. JYD is a qualified referee. He wins in a match where there was no ref and no bell.

Guess it was New York Rules. In Illinois. Anyway, nowhere near a minus five star match despite completely dispensing with the structure that wrestling requires.

 

[Rosie]

"Where's that referee?! He was trying to fuck on me!" -Moondog

 

[Chris]

Man literally reffed his own match I've never seen anything like that in my life

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #413
Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg
WWE WrestleMania XX - March 14, 2004​

And now we look at what should, by all rights, be a dream match. Brock Lesnar and Goldberg. Two athletic powerhouses who took the business by storm from the beginning of their careers. Everyone should be so excited to see what happens when they clash. Unfortunately, both men have decided to quit the business after this show, and the fans know that. Why should they care? But... let's see if they at least try to put on a decent match along the way. (Spoiler: nope!)

As with more Mania clunkers than I'd expected, it starts with Steve Austin as special guest referee. We at least get the "Goldberg" chants for a couple of seconds during Goldberg's entrance, and even a slight pop as he finally makes his way from the back. This, despite having the WWE ripoff of his WCW theme.

Big staredown. They both make their best angry boy faces at each other. BIG "you sold out" chants (because they did, Lesnar to try his hand at the NFL and Goldberg to... star in Santa's Slay? I guess?). Austin tells them in no uncertain terms to engage. They do not. The crowd is entertaining itself by singing that one song everyone sings to people who are leaving. You know the one. They continue to shout at each other and not touch as the crowd mentions bovine faeces. JR tries to sell it as an "Austin" chant. Some guys try and fail to start a Mexican wave. We've almost completed the set of "smark hijacking the match" - now all we need is chanting for a wrestler not in the match and a beach ball!

FINALLY they lock up, nearly three minutes into the match. And it's a lockup that lasts nearly a minute in itself. Another staredown. Another lockup, which also comes to nothing. They don't even reach the corner and need the ref to break it up. "This match sucks" chatns. In a lot of ways, it's even worse than Atlas vs. Arcidi. Lesnar has a headlock, and it looks like he's about to do the Standard OVW Rope Running Thing, but he just stays standing and lets Goldberg shoulder-barge him. Goldberg comes off the ropes for a headbutt. "We want Bret" chants! Now we just need a beach ball to complete the set! Both men run the ropes and collide for a double down. We're six minutes in and basically nothing has happened.

Finally Lesnar does something, putting the boots in. Goldberg whips Lesnar into the corner, gorilla presses him, and drops him to spear him out of the air! That's an AWESOME move! Didn't need the seven minutes of buildup, though. Lesnar dodges a second spear and Goldberg eats ring post. TO THE OUTSIDE where Lesnar puts Goldberg into his element with a bit of WCW-style BOTO. "Goldberg sucks" chants. Lesnar takes a while to suplex Goldberg for two. He then locks the head and right arm for a rest hold! Because what this match needs is a FUCKING REST HOLD! Goldberg manages to toss him off, and I'm so bored I can't think of a masturbation joke. Lesnar puts on the SAME rest hold again, and Goldberg tosses him off again. Uppercut from Lesnar for two as this match trudges past ELEVEN minutes.

"This match sucks" chants. They're talking about mat wrestling on commentary when Goldberg and Lesnar's offence more recalls 2000 Sid Vicious. Swinging neckbreaker and spear from Goldberg for two. Crowd is just booing that the match hasn't ended yet. He gets into it with Austin which opens up Lesnar to get the F-5 for a two of his own. Austin makes it clear it was only a two, by making an insulting gesture (not the one he usually does). Goldberg gets another spear and mercifully ends the match with a Jackhammer. Post-match Lesnar flips off the crowd and Austin, which ends predictably in a Stunner. Goldberg gets the brewski celebration from Austin. Yep, he's Stunned too.

About what I expected. A shitload of nothing. At least it had a finish.