Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #425
The Faces of Fear vs. Glacier/Ernest "The Cat" Miller
WCW World War 3 - November 23, 1997​

But I'm not done with this show yet. Two matches received the dreaded zero stars or fewer, so that means they must be a priority for me. First, a Dave-rated DUD featuring the two meanest Tongans ever against the babyface duo of the Blood Runs Cold thing. Remember that? I must say that Cagematch ratings disagree strongly with Dave, rating this a 5.38. That's better than Kurt Angle vs. Wes Brisco! Which Dave gave THREE AND A HALF STARS! I've got that shitfest waiting for me still, but let's watch some tag teams!

Right from the bell, Cat's out-kicking Barbarian while Meng gets into a slapfest with Glacier. Meng absorbs a bunch of martial arts stuff and downs Glacier with a throat thrust. A leg sweep by Glacier gets two. Cat tries to crossbody a larger man, and it works after Glacier dropkicks him to drop both of them. Cat and Glacier go for quick tags and work the arms, and Barbarian's using his power. Glacier dropkicks Meng into Barbarian on the corner, then Cat does a plancha on to Barbarian by jumping off Meng!! Then Glacier slingshots on to Meng! How is this getting a DUD?? Glacier gets into it with Jimmy Hart and Barbarian takes advantage.

Meng does a back body drop into Barbarian's powerbomb, and Cat has to break the pin. Barbarian goes for a choke, Cat goes to complain, so Barbarian whips Glacier into Cat in a really fun heel move. Meng does a really clean dropkick for two, then a backbreaker for the same. The Faces use their five-count of leniency between tags to throw as many hands as possible and pound on Glacier in the corner. This gets... a pop? The Faces are... faces? Very simple tag team psychology, but it's effective. Barbarian slaps on a headlock. Are some people chanting "boring"?? Fuck them.

Meng gets a pretty sick looking shoulderbreaker for two. He then goes for the deadly NERVE PINCH... which makes sense! He's worked the shoulder! We've found the one good nerve pinch! Glacier's rallying, but Barb is underselling and Meng comes in. He misses a jumping elbow and Glacier starts really fighting back. He gets a back suplex and now it's time for a hot tag to Cat! Kicks and martial-arts-like flailing for everyone! And jumping lariats! Feliner for both men! Cat knocks out Jimmy Hart... and turns into a Tongan Death Grip and gets pinned!

Green match. This is straight up a fun tag team encounter. Fuck you, Dave.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #426
Steve McMichael vs. Alex Wright
WCW World War 3 - November 23, 1997​

However, I get the feeling that I won't like this one. It's got Mongo! Has Mongo ever had a decent match? I doubt it.

Mongo comes out with a lead pipe and reveals that the scheduled match against Goldberg won't occur because he injured the star. From what we know about serious Goldberg injuries, he'll probably come out later and refuse to follow the script. He makes an open challenge, which Debra insists that Alex Wright answer. Because she wants to get back at Mongo.

Mongo plays to the crowd and Wright attacks him, hitting him with his jacket. Mongo soon gets the advantage back with big lariats and light-looking kicks. Wright doesn't want to wrestle but Debra drags him back. Wright tries to do something but Mongo tosses him about and starts to drop some elbows. Sidewalk slam for two. Wright uses his speed (and ability to wrestle worth a damn) to get a dropkick and get some brief advantage. He gets whipped by Mondo (who isn't really selling). Knee tackles, lariat, sidewalk slam, tombstone piledriver, done.

Always hurts to see a guy who can actually wrestle jobbing to someone who absolutely can't.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #427
The 1998 World War 3 Match
WCW World War 3 - November 22, 1998​

Just got to get through this one, and I never have to watch a World War 3 again. Interesting trivia - this is the only one where the big bungo battle royal didn't main. I wonder why ending the show on such a stupid match wasn't seen as a good idea with WWF catching up, huh? "The most anticipated battle royal in wrestling" - you know what you're doing there, Tony. Also, PINS AND SUBMISSIONS ARE LEGAL! It's like Aztec Warfare only shit. What's the damage on this one?

Spoiler: THE LAST field of 60

• Alex Wright
• Bobby Blaze
• Barry Darsow
• Chavo Guerrero Jr.
• Chip Minton
• Chris Adams
• Chris Benoit
• Ciclope
• Damian
• Perry Saturn
• The Disciple
• Disco Inferno
• Eddie Guerrero
• El Dandy
• The Giant
• Hector Garza
• Horace Hogan
• Chris Jericho (looking pretty fucked up after his match with Bobby Duncum Jr. earlier)
• Booker T
• Wrath
• Ernest "The Cat" Miller
• Scott Steiner
• Scott Norton
• Scott Hall
• Scotty Riggs
• Rey Misterio Jr.
• Barry Horowitz
• Bobby Eaton
• Stevie Ray
• Billy Kidman
• Bobby Duncum Jr.
• Juventud Guerrera
• Psicosis
• Dean Malenko
• Steve McMichael
• Kaz Hayashi
• Lex Luger
• Konnan
• Chris Kanyon
• Kevin Nash
• Johnny Swinger
• The Renegade (fucking hell, he's STILL here??)
• Scott Putski
• Silver King
• Super Calo
• Magnum TOKYO
• Van Hammer
• Villano V
• Vincent
• Kendall Windham
• Kenny Kaos
• La Parka
• Lenny Lane
• Lizmark Jr.
• Mike Enos
• Lodi (being WCW's sign guy)
• Norman Smiley
• Prince Iaukea
• Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker
• Glacier

Glacier as the 60th, really? At least that spot had some importance before. Anyway, they're going at it. Scott Hall's using his ring's ref as a human shield. They've added a counter of how many are still in which is VERY useful. It was often unclear what the current stage of the match was before. Nash ploughs through a bunch of cruiserweights as we drop down to sub-50 in quick fashion. They're actually learning from their mistakes? Nash is reduced to Van Hammer as opponent eventually, but he big boots his man out, and gets to rest in the empty ring for a bit. For how shitty Nash's politicking is, it at least makes the match go more quickly.

Over in ring 2, Psicosis tries to crossbody a larger man in Scott Hall and gets tossed out by a fallaway slam. Kanyon's playing with fire by standing on the apron. He tries to powerbomb Billy Kidman off the top rope and gets back body dropped out. Horace and the Disciple both gone, and Tony continues to insist that Hulk Hogan Is Not Here. Shitty ponytail Giant goes on a run of eliminations until a bunch of cruiserweights decide to take him on 6-on-1. There's a big standoff... until the cruiserweights start fighting each other. Bit stupid, isn't it?

Tony doesn't know who just got dumped. I miss the multiple sets of commentators. That, plus the switching ring cameras and entrant counter from this version? That's the closest you can get to a workable WW3. Steiner gets a cheeky mule kick to the dick on Juvi and dumps him as we go down to 23. It's almost time for the Big Ring Merge. A bunch of guys try to eliminate Scott Hall, he hooks the legs to survive, and Rey goes out to take us down to 20! Or rather 18, as Saturn and Cat don't even make it to the centre ring before they scrap among themselves to go out.

All the small guys go out in rapid fashion, thanks to the Giant. And I mean ALL. Eddie, Chavo, Wright, Disco, and Kidman one after the other. Scott Hall's still hanging in there. Scott Steiner's trying to break Mongo's arm. Now Giant is taking a beating from both Nash and Hall. They're going to eliminate him before Scott Norton deals with them. Luger takes out Stevie Ray. Mongo tosses Scott Norton but gets eliminated by Kevin Nash and we're down to 10. Some losers in the crowd see they're on TV and try to get themselves over...

...but one of the crowd is Bam Bam Bigelow, who comes out and starts attacking people before the security swarm him! Out comes Goldberg to set up that feud! Scott Steiner and Wrath are gone, but it doesn't matter ultimately as everyone cares mostly about the Goldberg/Bigelow pull-apart brawl. Booker T gone. We're down to three Wolfpac members, Giant from Hollywood, two Horsemen, and Scott Hall caught in the middle. What's their strategy? Scott Hall's is to make Konnan eliminate himself.

It's going to be five-on-one against the Giant now! Not completely without a hitch, but together all five men dump him out. nWo Hollywood is out! The Horsemen choose to take on Hall, but the Wolfpac come in and eliminate Benoit before Scott Hall deals with Malenko. It's now every man for himself, and Nash is even willing to slug it out with Luger. Luger uses his forearm to take both men down, and that's the first time Nash has been off his feet all show. He puts Hall up in the Torture Rack, but Nash comes in to push both out and wins!

Well... it's an improvement. The start was a lot easier to follow, but that's like saying a broken finger is a lot easier to deal with than a broken arm. It's still inconvenient and really painful.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #428
Konnan vs. Stevie Ray
WCW World War 3 - November 22, 1998​

Of course, I'm not done with World War 3 '98! It was a pretty bad show overall, with some weaksauce matches, but I've only got the energy for one match more. So let's go for the one that earned minus a star and a half! And with that lineup it's obvious why.

Stevie Ray's got Vincent with him, while Konnan's here on his own. He's good at making the crowd hyped, even if he can't produce a decent match. Both stall by playing to the crowd. Stevie kicks off with clubbing forearms and boots, about the only thing he can do in 1998. Konnan does his rolling clothesline and a basement dropkick... then immediately sucks the air out of the room by slapping on an abdominal stretch. Stevie responds to Konnan going for a back body drop with a clubbing blow, then a dropkick that only meets air but Konnan sells anyway. Stevie hits a clothesline for two, and tosses Konnan out. Ref distraction so Vincent can get some shots in, and a choke too. Elbow drop for two.

Chinlock by Stevie Ray, and this really just drags. Especially as it somehow warrants an arm-drop routine. "Vincent sucks" chant as if he's one of the guys in the ring. Konnan recovers and gets a backslide for two but gets clotheslined down. Stevie Ray hits a slam but misses his elbow. Konnan throws rights, mule kick, and Face Jam, but Vincent distracts him to stop him going for a pin. Stevie goes for the eyes... Konnan counters a whip and Vincent hits Stevie with the slapjack by mistake! Konnan hammers away, shoves the ref, and gets himself DQ'd. Booker T comes out to save Stevie Ray, who doesn't want his help. Wow, these two feuded a lot without ever splitting before 2000.

Dull match with a lame DQ finish. This is barely acceptable on free TV, but people paid to see this.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #429
Ted DiBiase vs. Brutus Beefcake
WWF WrestleMania V - April 2, 1989​

And we're back to the marathons with WrestleMania V! This one's remembered pretty well for the culmination of the long-term Hogan/Savage story, but as with most early Manias, there's a lame undercard. How lame? Four DUDs, one minus three star, and one minus four star match. Plus this one, which got the relatively strong Dave rating of 1.75 stars but people seem not to like it. That's seven matches on one show. How did this company last this long with Manias that were so full of lameness?

DiBiase is the Million Dollar Champ but the belt isn't on the line. He shakes hands with Donald Trump, the man who inspired him to be ostentatiously rich and unspeakably evil. Bell rings before Beefcake's even put away his comically oversized barber's shears, and there's a lot of standing around before Beefcake goes off with all his moves (two back body drops and a hip toss). Now DiBiase's stalling on the outside. Once he's back, he gets some clubbing blows in but Beefcake reverses the direction and slams him. Beefcake clotheslines him out, and DiBiase's on the outside AGAIN.

Back in, an exchange of forearms. DiBiase gets to really show off his territory selling, just how I like it. Virgil grabs Beefcake's leg to stop his momentum. Crowd is devastatingly quiet for this part. Several grounded chokes, a back elbow, and a fist drop from DiBiase gets two. He goes up top for a double axe handle. Beefcake counters the whip-and-duck-for-a-back-body-drop (you know the spot) with a small package for two. Two double downs in a row, one off a Beefcake suplex and the other off traded clotheslines. DiBiase downs Beefcake with a suplex of his own then puts on the Million Dollar Dream, forcing a rope break.

Back to brawling, and Beefcake slams DiBiase's face into the turnbuckle. He puts on the sleeper, but Virgil distracts him. Beefcake charges him and gets knocked to the outside. Virgil puts in the hurt until Brutus stops selling and attacks Virgil. DiBiase gets him from behind, they go to the outside, and it ends in a flat double count-out. Post-match Beefcake beats on Virgil and later DiBiase in the ring, and when he gets out the shears the heels dash. Very house show-esque non-finish right there.

I mean... it was there, I guess? Never justified its own existence, and had a lame finish. At WrestleMania.

 

[Rosie]

I mean... it was there, I guess? Never justified its own existence, and had a lame finish. At WrestleMania.

Its existence was "Brutus is my friend and needs a match" -Hulk "MAGA" Hogan.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #430
The Bushwhackers vs. The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers
WWF WrestleMania V - April 2, 1989​

The next match on the card earned a quite astonishing MINUS FOUR STAR rating. Can the comedy really be that bad? Let's find out.

One of the Bushwhackers starts out by stealing Jimmy Hart's jacket. The Rougeaus come in to brawl in the corners, Jimmy Hart is left in the middle and the Bushwhackers send their men in to create a three-heel clash. I'll admit, I can't tell the members of either of these teams apart. Commentary doesn't really focus on the match. There's a lot of standing around. One of the Bushwhackers goes for a fist drop and misses, then one of the Rougeaus gets punched in the corner and treated to a Battering Ram. One Bushwhacker goes for a cover, a Rougeau goes to break it up, but the Kiwi rolls away at the last minute forcing him to accidentally knee drop the other Rougeau. That would be a decent spot if the crowd gave a shit.

Ref is checking one of the Rougeaus' shoelaces so the other can punch his opponent out. Boston Crab (maybe a Quebec Crab?) as the Rougeaus try and turn this into an acceptable tag match. Apparently it's Raymond in the ring right now, and he's hitting a Bushwhacker who's no-selling. He whips him into the corner, slams him... and this happens.

I've seen a lot of kicks to the penis in this thread, but I've never seen a man give his opponent a good old rub. That's funnier than the things they intend to be funny this match.

Even the commentators don't know which Bushwhacker is which. Right now it's allegedly Luke, who's in with Jacques. The Rougeaus do the weakest double clothesline I've ever seen, and I've seen the botched one from Uncensored 2000. Maybe it doesn't help that Luke's underselling. Abdominal stretch, as if this weren't dull enough, and Raymond gets a crescent kick. Butch pulls Luke up and the Battering Ram and double gutbuster follows. Jacques (the legal man) goes to break up the pin on Raymond (not the legal man), but the ref counts three anyway. The Bushwhackers lick each other's faces, then go to meet Sean Mooney and lick his.

Awful. Completely lacking in structure, any sort of finesse, or any reason to care. If there was attempted comedy in this, no one was laughing.

 

[Rosie]

​

He wanted to feel exactly why he was "Fabulous."

And it would be a Boston Crab because the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers are...



ALL AMERICAN BOOOOOYS

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #431
Demolition (c) vs. The Powers of Pain/Mr. Fuji
for the WWF World Tag Team Championship
WWF WrestleMania V - April 2, 1989​

After an actual good match between Mr. Perfect and masked Owen Hart, we come back down to earth. If this looks like a six-man tag team match, it shouldn't, because Crush doesn't show up until next year. Instead, it's just a handicap match where Mr. Fuji is inexplicably allowed to wrestle. You want nerve pinches? We've got nerve pinches!

Fuji's got the face-paint on, just to fit in. Bell rings while Demolition are still taking off their S&M gear... and while Fuji salts the ring. Warlord vs. Ax to start. Ax gets a low clothesline and starts throwing clubbing blows before tagging in to Smash, who does the same. After more swinging forearms, Ax puts on a chinlock. Then back to the clubs. Warlord manages to lift Smash into the corner, and it looks like a heat segment until Smash fights out. This time Barbarian's getting a taste of the clubs. Ax uses a bodyslam. This is somehow the most exciting part of the match so far. Gorilla points out the lack of offence by the heels so far. Barbarian suddenly gets something off a throat thrust. It doesn't make much difference as Smash fights back.

Ax tries to go after Fuji but that's where the heat segment begins. After a bit of boot choking, Fuji comes in and delivers a headbutt right to Ax's nuts. Warlord's idea of a high spot is a RUNNING forearm club. Barbarian slams Ax and sets up Fuji for a top rope leg drop but he misses. Barbarian comes in and wipes out Smash to kill the hot tag. Suddenly Ax stops selling for a minute, gets a clothesline, and goes for the hot tag. Smash starts punching and slamming the Powers. Assisted Snake Eyes on Barbarian gets two. Fuji grabs some salt while Barbarian holds Smash back, but you know exactly how this spot goes. Fuji takes the Demolition Decapitation for the win.

A match that badly exposed the limitations of all of its performers. Especially Warlord. He can't do jack shit.

 

[Chris]

Warlord was the worst, Barbarian gets a bad rep

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #432
Dino Bravo vs. Ronnie Garvin
WWF WrestleMania V - April 2, 1989​

Anyone remember this match existed? No, me neither. Before this match Jimmy Snuka shows up for no reason.

Garvin throws his towel to the crowd so Bravo charges him and soon hits an elbow drop. He seems to be working Garvin's kidneys. Crowd's dead except for chanting U-S-A at manager Frenchy Martin. Bravo's just overpowering Garvin without much effort. Shoulderblocks by Bravo lead to a boot-on-the-chest pin for two. Garvin goes for a Thesz press, is caught, but punches Bravo down anyway. He splashes Bravo but Bravo just bounces him off the pin. Some really gentle turnbuckle bashes, then Garvin gets a jackknife pin for two. Sleeper applied but Bravo gets to the ropes. Garvin can't lift Bravo for the piledriver but can get a sunset flip for two. Mounted punches but Bravo shoves Garvin off and wins off a sidewalk slam. Post-match Garvin stomps away at Frenchy.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #433
Andre the Giant vs. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
WWF WrestleMania V - April 2, 1989​

After that, the show threatens to be decent for half an hour, with stuff like Brain Busters vs. Strike Force, Rick Martel's heel turn, and Piper running down Morton Downey Jr. with a fire extinguisher. But then they wheel out 43-year-old broken-down Andre for an inexplicable singles match. Why do I like wrestling, again?

Big John Studd is special ref. During Roberts' entrance it turns out someone's stripped a turnbuckle pad. Probably Bobby Heenan. Whoever it is, Andre's taken advantage. He slaps on a sleeper. Roberts fights out and goes for the snake, so Andre grabs him again and uses the sleeper. Again. Over the next two or so minutes we get some signature Andre Offence, including:

• Slapping
• Leaning Back
• No-Selling
• Cornered Choke
• Sitting Down
• Boot Choke
• Slowly Walking Between Spots

Roberts fights back with fists and boots, and Andre does that spot where he gets tied up in the ropes. Roberts punches him until Heenan loosens Andre's arm. Andre headbutts Roberts and just stands there. At least go for a boot on the chest, Jesus. DOUBLE NERVE PINCH from Andre. He wanders with the speed of a dementia patient. Roberts gets a knee in and staggers him. Andre gets a taste of his own stripped turnbuckle. However, he manages to get a chop to the midsection and send Roberts out. Roberts goes up on the apron, but Andre bumps him down again.

Studd argues with Andre, which lets Roberts obtain the snake. Andre nails Studd. Ted DiBiase and Virgil come out uninvited to grab the snake, but Roberts chases him down and recovers it. Now Andre's giving his deadly DOUBLE NERVE PINCH to Studd. Roberts unleashes the snake and Andre fucks right off. It's all academic though as Studd declares Roberts the winner by DQ.

Yeah, that absolutely was not good. Andre should not be wrestling at this stage of his life.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #434
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Bad News Brown
WWF WrestleMania V - April 2, 1989​

Following Harts vs. Rhythm and Blues and Warrior vs. Rude (perfectly fine matches), match 6 in this seven-match gauntlet features my eternal inspiration in bad wrestling, Jim Duggan, against Harlem's grumpiest man. All this can do is not suck.

Brown attacks Duggan before the bell, and he's got a head of steam until he misses a corner charge. Duggan hits a clothesline and Brown decides to just walk off. Duggan goes for a back body drop but Brown knocks him down with a forearm club. He starts trying to attack Duggan's head, and gets no-sold because Duggan's got no brain to damage. That sounds like a joke, but it is the kayfabe reason. Brown rakes the eyes and tries to invade Duggan's trunks. Commentary points out the lack of wrestling moves so far. They're on the outside and Duggan eats ring post. Brown teases the Ghetto Blaster but Duggan ducks and hits his three-point stance clothesline. Brown grabs a chair and so Duggan retrieves his 2x4. They duel with weapons for a double DQ, until Duggan wins, atomic drops Brown, and sends him out of the ring.

Yet another match that fails to justify its own existence.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #435
The Red Rooster vs. Bobby Heenan
WWF WrestleMania V - April 2, 1989​

And then we get this travesty. When the WWF tried to tell us that highly accomplished wrestler and not-very-good talent relations guy Terry Taylor was a total rookie who made never-ending poultry references and needed constant help. And his big blow-off was against a manager who was already injured. Let's watch.

Hennan's hurt, but has Brooklyn Brawler in his corner, which in 1989 wasn't synonymous with "worse than thin air". Heenan's afraid, and Rooster goes for turnbuckle bashes. Heenan misses a corner charge and Rooster pins him for a quick three. Post-match Brawler shows up and attacks, but runs away when Rooster recovers.

This wrecked Terry Taylor's career. Why even bother? I can only really note a milestone - that Bobby Heenan is now the 800th unique worker to have a match in this thread! As VIP users will know, I'm keeping track. How's that for a VIP incentive?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #436
The Sandman vs. Sabu
Tables and Ladders Match
ECW November to Remember - November 30, 1997​

What's the botchiest match you've ever seen? A ton of old school fans say this one. So does your weird historian uncle Dave, who gave this MINUS 3.5 stars back in the day. This is probably down to the fact that Sandman was injured and, allegedly, out of his mind on drugs. Can it really be that bad? It goes 20 minutes, so we're in for the long haul.

As with most ECW matches, I've found, this match starts from another match: that being Tommy Dreamer vs. RVD, ECW flag vs. WWF flag. Sabu's part of the sellout squad, and Sandman's making the save for Dreamer. But not very urgently. He's mostly standing and wandering around with a blank stare. "World Wide (bundles of sticks)" sign is visible held by a child in the crowd. They were right, Sandman's out of his fucking mind. Are we going to get one last red match this time around?

Sabu eventually gets tired of waiting and dives to the outside to kick off the match. Soon after, he does a springboard moonsault off a chair and fucks up his leg in the process. Maybe that was meant to be kayfabe, as he quickly stops selling it. Crowd is weirdly quiet as Sandman bounces a ladder off Sabu a couple of different ways, then Sabu tosses a garbage can at his head. This feels even clumsier than usual for ECW. Right as I type that, Sandman tosses a ladder full force at Sabu's head and gets tangled in the ropes. Sandman sells like he's being crotched on a ladder even when he isn't. He gets whipped into the guardrail and lands right on his neck. A step-up kick by Sabu only gets the mildest of EC-Dub chants.

Sabu struggles to set up a table as Sandman trips on to him elbow-first. Sandman then suplexes another table on to the prone Sabu, then wanders around like he doesn't know where he is. He lays Sabu on a table, but the thing's so shoddily gimmicked it collapses just from having Sabu's head tapped on it while he's lying there. So Sandman walks Sabu to another table and lies him gently, half-off it, so he can do the leg drop spot through it properly. And of course, because Sabu's not centred, Sandman lands nowhere near him. He then props half a table against the rail, but gets whipped into it. And lands on his neck, again.

Sabu introduces Sandman to some cheap-looking, light-looking ladders, as the fans seem most interested in telling some dumbass among them to sit the fuck down. Sabu lays Sandman on a third bridged table, which is visibly buckling under his weight, and leg drops him through it. They both sell for a bit then get up to move on to the next spot. I hear people talk about this on the indies, but I'm seeing it right here. Sandman can't even run the ropes and just collapses. It's not selling because he just gets up. Sabu's pinging himself around this drug-addled lump. He tosses a ladder at Sandman, who gets right up for the next spot. Which is... him falling over the ropes? I don't know anymore.

Sabu rests Sandman on a table again, and tries to ride the top of a tall ladder on to Sandman through the table. Key being tries. He gets halfway up before the ladder starts falling, undershoots the table horribly, lands on his ass on the floor, and the ladder taps Sandman on the table making him roll off. The crowd don't even care enough to start a "you fucked up" chant. Sandman gets right up with a forearm and trips over some things. He stumbles to the top rope for a Swanton through the table, Sabu rolls away and Sandman eats shit. Yet, he gets up at about the same time as Sabu. Sabu does a tornillo on to a mini ladder. This only gets two.

Sandman's stumbling, and I really don't think it's him selling, he can just hardly walk. He gives Sabu a superplex on to a ladder, but gets nowhere near enough separation from the turnbuckle and just looks stupid. Sabu goes to the top rope and... uh... you tell me what this is.

Whatever it was, I think it's Sandman's fault. Sabu responds by just tossing the ladder at the back of his head. He then pulls out the Fork of Vaguely Arab Heeldom and introduces it to Sandman's face. Sabu goes to the outside, and Sandman tosses the ladder at him. He props it against the guardrail, and tries to slingshot to the outside and catapult the ladder into him. Instead he slingshots to the ground, feet-first, and the ladder ends up somewhere vaguely in Sabu's area code. What the fuck is this. Sandman does what he thinks is a weapon shot with the mini-ladder, then does a Swanton on it. Then a slingshot senton, just because the first one didn't get a pop. Sabu Irish whips Sandman to the corner, tries a rana, but gets hit with an electric chair suplex. That's the first spot all day Sandman hasn't blown.

A table buckles badly under Sabu's weight. Sandman basically trips over the top of the ladder to meaninglessly break a table for the sixth? seventh? time this match. Bill Alfonso has grabbed the Singapore cane. Sabu throws fire but misses by miles. He then charges into the ladder as Sandman trips while trying to whip him. Sandman does a... brain claw? on Fonzie but Sabu does a springboard dropkick on Sandman. Sandman slowly crawls to the table for the final table break of this match, which is a ladder-assisted... double axe handle??? by Sabu. I have no idea anymore. Sabu does the Arabian Facebuster with the ladder to put a merciful end to this match.

I genuinely have no idea how to rate this match. It's absolutely worthy of the bottom 20 (which I'll soon be expanding to 25) on its own merits, from just how embarrassingly bad it is. It's worthy of being called a red match, because it's so deeply irresponsible that Sandman worked this match stoned off his face. And I found myself laughing at some of the blown spots, in a sad way, so it's could even be called a green match. No solution I could think of could ever define what this is.

So, you know what this is? It's the first (and last) ever GOLD MATCH. It's the only match that represents absolutely everything that can make a bad match bad. Complete uncoordinated slop, bad decisions from top to bottom, and a display of two people humiliating themselves on camera for all of us to see for all time. And, by definition, that makes it the new official Worst Match Of All Time.

In conclusion? LSD is a hell of a drug.