Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

The only thing which buried Dr. Death more was the Brawl For All.

-Have you reviewed that?

Bart Gunn vs Steve Williams?

You're welcome.

 

[Sky]

The only thing which buried Dr. Death more was the Brawl For All.

-Have you reviewed that?

Bart Gunn vs Steve Williams?

You're welcome.

That's definitely one for the future

 

[Sky]

Entry #444
Ivan Koloff vs. Paul Jones
Koloff Has One Arm Behind His Back
NWA Clash of the Champions IV - December 7, 1988​

Okay, here's the -3 match. The Koloffs are out of Paul Jones' Army, and Nikita is out of wrestling for a good while because of his wife's illness. In the meantime, here's Ivan (a cool 46 at the time) against a manager. With a gimmick that will likely prevent actual wrestling. What could go right?

Fun fact: Paul Jones is the only winner of WON "Worst Manager of the Year" that isn't a Japanese stereotype! Ref is already struggling to keep the hand tied, even after there's only been a staredown. Koloff takes Jones down early with a single arm choke and brings him out of the ring. More staring. Koloff sweeps Jones' leg. Jones briefly gets an advantage in the corner as we cut to a woman blowing a kiss in the crowd. Headbutt by Koloff. This is going at the rate of about a move per year. They lock hand (singular) and Koloff gets another headbutt. Next spot is Koloff smashing Jones' head into the corners. Jones is begging for mercy but gets goozled. He recovers slightly with rights but can't break it.

Jones catches a leg and attacks the hamstring, and now for the first time Koloff is down. Jones drops every body part he can think of, then chokes with the rope tying Koloff's hand. Jones sends Koloff into the ring post and starts stomping away outside, in a way that visibly misses. Back in the ring, Jones stomps the free hand. Then we get a genuinely pathetic Irish whip where Koloff barely runs the ropes at all. And that's the impetus for the comeback spot. Koloff's throwing rights, but Jones pulls out a foreign object and hits Koloff in the throat with it. Koloff rakes the eyes, so Jones goes for the weapon again, but Koloff blocks it and uses it himself to get the win. In come the Russian Assassins until JYD makes the save, because you've gotta build Starrcade.

That went about 10 minutes too long.

 

[Sky]

Entry #445
Nikita Koloff (c) vs. Bobby Eaton
for the NWA World Television Championship
NWA Bunkhouse Stampede Finals - January 24, 1988​

As we move into the minus 2 star region of matches, it just so happens that one comes from that happy valley that is 1988 Crockett-land. Here we have a show main evented by the Bunkhouse Stampede, a battle royal inside a cage. Booked by Dusty Rhodes, for Dusty Rhodes. I'm actually considering putting that in the thread too, but Dave dug it so I'm not prioritising it. On top of that, half the crowd isn't there for the first half because their tickets said the show started an hour later than it did! I get the feeling WWF didn't need to put on the Royal Rumble to counter-program this. This match got minus two stars. With Bobby Eaton? How?

I once heard that Jim Cornette the character was meant to be gay. Guy in sparkly suits who hangs around tough blond men, yeah I can see it. They ring the bell before Eaton's even taken his robe off. They're using up the 20-minute time limit with non-wrestling, already. And then, there's staredown and feeling-out. Lockups that get nowhere until Eaton has Koloff backed into the corner. Both men try to get a hammerlock but neither achieves it. Koloff comes in with his typical brawling style and Eaton has to take some time off. Cornette is already louder than the crowd.

Some sort of side-on test of strength spot, and Koloff gets the better of it. Koloff establishes a wristlock and takes Eaton to the mat. Five minutes elapse as Eaton finally breaks out of it and puts the boots in to send Koloff out. They're brawling on the outside (but not BOTO, there's no spots against the guardrail). That's ultimately won by Eaton with an eye poke, but Koloff does later push Eaton from over the ropes so he goes gently into the ring post. Eaton gets a headlock down on the mat, and Cornette loudly complains that Koloff's shoulders are down. They aren't. Koloff fights out, they do the OVW Thing You Know The One that ends with Koloff slamming Eaton. This is so dry.

Eaton gets another grounded headlock, despite Koloff's attempts to roll him over for a pin. The quarter of the crowd that's showed up turns ugly. To the outside now, Eaton's making this a brawl, but Koloff shoves him into a ring post and he wipes out on concrete. Shoulder into the post, and then a hip toss to Eaton on concrete. That can NOT have been fun to take. Eaton takes control with eye pokes, they're back int the ring, and Eaton drops an elbow for two.

Now Eaton puts on a hammerlock. The next minute is just him lying on Koloff on the mat with a hammerlock applied. Koloff gradually fights up and overpowers Eaton, but Eaton gets a cheeky shot to the nuts and nails him with a missile dropkick for two. Back to the hammerlock. This time it lasts for a painful THREE MINUTES. You'd think that Eaton, ring general that he is, would realise there's no tap coming, hear the announcement that there are five minutes left, and go for something higher impact. But no, he keeps going with the hammerlock. Koloff comes back, hits the Russian Sickle, but can't capitalise.

Eaton hits an armbreaker, and ANOTHER HAMMERLOCK ensues. At this point it's clear there won't be a finish and so the announcements of time remaining are more over than the wrestlers. Still no tap is forthcoming, and yet the hammerlock continues over a minute and a half. Koloff fights up, Eaton hits another armbreaker... JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ANOTHER HAMMERLOCK. "Eaton realises time is fleeting" -professional liar Bob Caudle, as Eaton isn't changing his strategy at all. He's the challenger. Koloff fights back up, does his brawling thing, wastes time with mounted punches, hits the Russian Sickle, but this match ends in a time limit draw. Cornette and Stan Lane enter the ring and now the Midnights are fucking up Koloff.

You know what messes with my mind here? Koloff's the CHAMPION. This isn't a "heel champ saved by the bell" thing. This is a face champ, being dominated by a heel challenger who is nonetheless an idiot and doesn't know how to step up the pace in the dying minutes, and then getting mad because he didn't get the win when he didn't need to. With that lack of understanding of how wrestling works, you'd think Vince Russo booked this one!

 

[Rosie]

HAMMERLOCK CITY, BITCH!

 

[Sky]

Entry #446
The Samoan SWAT Team (Fatu/Samoan Savage) vs. Tommy Rich/Captain Mike Rotunda
WCW Capital Combat: Return of RoboCop - May 19, 1990​

Maybe this was why Kane didn't like May 19. Because he remembered a wrestling show that was built around an appearance by a fictional android policeman. There's a minus star match and another notably bad match on this show. This is the latter.

Oh yeah, this is also Captain Mike Rotunda. When he transformed from a sports team captain to a sea captain, complete with an anchor on his gear. There's quite a bit of stalling by the Samoans, who are apparently trying to do a special ritual thing but get interrupted by boos. These are meant to be the heels. We kick off with Rich and I think Tama, who's whining a lot about Rich pulling his hair. Rich shoulderblocks him down and gets a crossbody for only one. Fatu in now for some twin magic, and Rotunda joins him. Fatu offers a handshake, and waits for Rotunda to accept it for a while. Rotunda doesn't. He gets throat thrusted but takes advantage with a bulldog and dropkicks Fatu out. Tama twin-magics into the ring while they're outside but the ref doesn't buy it.

Rope-running sequence and Rotunda takes down Tama with a dropkick. Rich comes in and works the arm. I hope it's not 20 minutes of this like the last one. Another rope run and Tama gets a powerslam. In comes Fatu who misses with a diving headbutt. He begs for mercy but gets none. Rotunda starts to work Fatu's arm now. Fatu uses those Samoan headbutts to escape. There's a part where Fatu thinks he's lost Rotunda and acts satisfied with himself but of course Rotunda's right behind him. Faces control the arm, Tama distracts the ref so he misses Rich's tag, but he takes Rich at his word! So what I'm getting is the Samoans are faces and the ref is racist. Fatu hits Tama by mistake, but the Samoans hug it out. They're faces!

The faces are taking on Tama's arm again, and is using an armbar. Back to running the ropes and Tama slams Rotunda. Tama attacks Rich, leading to Rich distracting the referee and allowing the Samoans to do a split leg thing. Fatu hits a stalling suplex, most of which is one-handed, but only gets a one count. Rotunda's briefly tossed on the outside. In comes Tama who does forearm clubs and applies a weak facelock. Then a nerve pinch, and then back to the facelock. After a minute, there's a tag to Rich but the ref misses it. Samoans double-team and toss Rotunda over the top rope, which is a DQ (oh yeah, it's this era) but again the ref misses it. On the outside, Fatu gets a nasty kick in that seems to have Rotunda out.

Everyone's sweating like pigs. Tama misses a stomp. Fatu slaps on a facelock that seems to have Rotunda dead, and draws an arm-drop routine. After two long, slow minutes, Rotunda fights back and gets a back elbow, but can't get the hot tag. Tama puts on a chinlock now. He even occasionally uses the ropes for leverage. It takes a minute more. Ref misses the tag to Rich AGAIN, and the Samoans use a double back body drop for two. Tama and Rotunda are fighting it out, and Rotunda gets a clothesline. FINALLY it's the hot tag to Rich who dealsi with Fatu and Tama basically 2-on-1. Ref stops Rotunda from joining a double-team move. Rich puts Fatu in a sleeper but Tama comes in with a double axe handle so his Samoan cousin falls on top of Rich for the three.

This lasted 17 minutes and never managed to progress beyond "meh" throughout, with the latter half being worst. Is WCW pre-Nitro entirely made of overlong matches whose second half drags horribly? And with an anti-climactic finish where the hot tag is the one who takes the fall? Seems like it.

 

[Sky]

Entry #447
Paul Ellering vs. Theodore Long
Hair vs. Hair
WCW Capital Combat: Return of RoboCop - May 19, 1990​

Okay, here's the minus 2.5 star turd that inspired me to look at this show. A match between two non-wrestlers who are balding as it is. Special ring announcer is Missy Hyatt for some reason, and there's a celebrity hairstylist that I've never heard of.

Teddy's announced as "Sugar Ray Long" and is in full boxing gear. He pulls Ellering's shirt over his head and batters away. He even goes for an EYE RAKE with boxing gloves. Ellering grabs Teddy by the throat and takes him to the corner. Teddy gets a haymaker that downs Ellering for two. Ellering tries to work the arm and yanks off one of the gloves. Ellering hits a back elbow, takes the discarded boxing glove (which turns out to be loaded) and knocks out Teddy for the three. Celebrity hairstylist does work to enhance the effect of Long's male pattern baldness.

Not really a match, pretty much content free.

 

[Sky]

Entry #448
Harlem Heat vs. Thunder and Lightning
WCW SuperBrawl IV - February 20, 1994​

Home of the last remaining minus 2.5 star match in the WWEverse is WCW SuperBrawl IV! Not only that, but it's got 2 more DUDs to deal with. This is one of them. It features early Harlem Heat (back when they were still Kane and Kole) against a team called Thunder and Lightning. Not the Thunder and Lightning from Puerto Rico, but one of Jeff Farmer (nWo Sting)'s early WCW gimmicks. Thunder was a guy called Clark Hainess who quit the business when the team split.

Heenan immediately makes a Batman and Robin gag about the caped men. Booker slaps Lightning, who backs him into the corner. Both men go for arm wringers. Booker gets a rope break. Lightning gets a waistlock and brings Booker to the floor for a God Damn Mother Fucking Grounded Hammerlock. I thought I was safe after Koloff/Eaton ended. Booker goes in with brawling. The OVW Rope Run Thing ends in a hip toss by Lightning, who downs Booker with a dropkick and works the arm again. These matches are starting to run together for me. I'd welcome a late WCW BOTO-fest at this point.

Thunder tags in after a Lightning leg drop and immediately starts working the arm again. And by working, I mean neverending wristlock transitioned into neverending hammerlock. Booker fights out and slams Thunder, before tagging in to Stevie Ray. Stevie does some forearm clubs, but misses while Thunder is running the ropes and gets shoulderblocked. And then Thunder does the same arm-wringing on Stevie too! Lightning hits a double axe handle on the arm. Stevie slams Lightning but misses a double axe handle. Pretty sure neither of these guys' finishers apply pressure on the arm. So why are they wasting time just standing and holding the current Heat member in the same hold?

Booker in who gets tossed right away by Lightning. Thunder gets a knee lift for two, then armdrags Booker into another arm hold! He slams Booker, but then Stevie gets a cheap shot in from outside, allowing Booker to clothesline Thunder over the top rope. In full view of the ref, in the pre-Nitro era when that was meant to be a DQ. Booker sends Thunder to the guardrail then rolls him back in. Stevie comes in as Heenan literally will not stop calling them about Batman and Robin. Heat use a ref distraction to take Thunder to their corner. Booker hits his jumping forearm. He then puts on a chinlock so we can get PiP of Ric Flair's dressing room. Lightning successfully convinces the crowd to cheer for Thunder.

Thunder tries to sunset flip a man of similar size, and the delay lets Booker briefly tag in Stevie for a double axe handle and two-count. Booker back in, he misses a top rope elbow. Lightning comes in, punching both men, and noticeably missing Stevie with a dropkick. Lightning gives a belly-to-belly to Booker and Stevie has to break the pin. Thunder runs in to brawl with Stevie Ray. Clearing him out causes a ref distraction, and Lightning gets a visual pin on Booker until Stevie kicks him over and rolls the pin the other way. Booker gets the three.

Honestly, I feel this was better than a DUD for its day. So basic and limited for most of it, but at least it made sense.