Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #456
Mark Canterbury vs. Bradshaw
Brawl for All Tournament First Round Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - June 29, 1998​

Later that same night, we get a match from the entire reason this tournament exists. According to a story disputed by no one except Bradshaw himself, Vince Russo came up with the idea after the big Texan prick bragged that he could take any man on the roster in a legit fight. His first round match against Mark Canterbury should go some way to prove or disprove this. After all, if you can't beat a Godwinn, you can't beat anyone.

This is better immediately, these guys are just swinging punches at each other. Crowd doesn't care, though. Canterbury tries to go for a takedown but Bradshaw holds him off. We leave round 1 with no takedowns, no knockdowns, and Bradshaw with the punching edge. Round 2, it's like amateur boxing but less co-ordinated. Bradshaw nearly gets a knockdown on Canterbury with a flurry but Canterbury clinches (I recently learned that that's the name for when boxers hug sometimes) to save himself. The "boring" chants are so loud. Turns out Bradshaw got a cut lip that round. Canterbury gets a takedown in round 3, then goes for another, but Bradshaw stops him. Apparently that means Bradshaw's won on points. Don't know...

...and don't care. That's another match out of the way!

 

[Rosie]

If only Bradshaw got beat up and eliminated round one, then Russo may have pulled the plug early.

 

[Sky]

Entry #457
Brakkus vs. Savio Vega
Brawl for All Tournament First Round Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - July 6, 1998​

You'd think given the reaction the first two matches got that they'd have decided to kill the tournament off by now. But no. Just this once, Vince Russo is fulfilling a promise and delivering what he advertised. No swerves here. Fuck. Here's a sub-Sunday Night Heat lineup featuring a German who got more vignettes than Veer Mahaan and somehow less shine afterward, and Savio Vega, the most "oh, he's there" man in wrestling history. He's always been in the background for me. Let's bring him into the foreground!

Vega goes for a takedown early but Brakkus stays strong. Brakkus gets the first takedown, but Vega stakes his claim to the most-punches bonus by throwing hands everywhere. The German is saved by the bell. Brakkus' punches in round 2 are more frequent, but Vega's are more accurate. Brakkus is getting absolutely staggered, and he's got a broken nose. Round 3 sees Vega score some downs and Brakkus not do much of anything. He goes for a knockout but doesn't get it. No need to look at the scoreboard here again, Vega wins.

Would be nice if there were some knockouts, wouldn't it?

 

[Sky]

Entry #458
Road Warrior Hawk vs. Darren Drozdov
Brawl for All Tournament First Round Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - July 6, 1998​

A clash of the LoD members! Well, sort of, because the payoff for that storyline was that Droz had been the one getting Hawk drunk and pushed him off the tron so he could be the new official LoD member. Whatever. Let's go.

Hawk's slamming away with punches while Lawler tries to talk about Droz's ability to vomit. It's all Hawk but his mouthguard falls out. Droz gets a takedown but it's just after the bell so he doesn't get points for it. Round 2, and they're throwing hands and Hawk's knocked back, but not down. Seems like Droz has hurt his own hand by punching too hard. Hawk gets the second busted nose of the night. Round 3 and Hawk comes out swinging. Both men are now without their mouthguards. Hawk starts whaling but Round 3 just ends. And then... it's a draw. How's that possible? They were both even on points going in, and the punch bonus should separate them. Maybe Droz's takedown counted? No one explains this.

This is the first one that made me think "well, this is obvious complete trash". Unexplained rules all around. By the way, Hawk got legit injured during this, and so Droz advances. That's all I really know.

 

[Sky]

Entry #459
Bart Gunn vs. Bob Holly
Brawl for All Tournament First Round Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - July 13, 1998​

And so, to the other side of the bracked we go. The New Midnights explode! Bruce Prichard has claimed the results were randomised, but Hawk/Droz and this? Something's up. Let's see how this goes. Bodacious Bart and Bombastic Bob (with HAIR!).

The ref (who was wrestling legend Danny Hodge for the first two dates) has been replaced by a regular WWF ref. Holly doesn't go to the corner before getting a shove in. Both men are getting punches in, but the crowd thinks it's boring nonetheless. No takedowns, punches are even, but unofficial results give it to Bart. Round 2 is started by Bart going on the defensive, then coming in with hooks. Holly is sent spinning but not down thanks to the ropes. Round 3 is more of the same. Bart dominates all three rounds on punches, never getting any takedowns, but winning. Holly looks distraught, and they brawl after. Legit, apparently.

Yawn.

 

[Sky]

Entry #460
The Godfather vs. Dan Severn
Brawl for All Tournament First Round Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - July 13, 1998​

Finally we get a guy we know can handle himself easily in a fight. Dan "The Mother Fucking Beast" Severn. He's up against a pimp. Could we be in danger of actually seeing a knockout this time? Here's hoping!

Severn's immediately going for takedowns, showing that he's actually smarter than most of the field. Godfather stays strong for most of it. Crowd doesn't care for it, "boring" chants ringing out. Severn doesn't break for a good while after the bell. Round 2, Severn's got Godfather on the ropes and bundles him down with another takedown. He won't break even when Godfather is dangling through the ropes. Another takedown by Severn. He's apparently taken a penalty because Godfather is somehow ahead after Round 2. "We want wrestling" says the crowd to the man who's actually tried to provide some. Severn in his sweaty shirt does enough to make up the points with takedowns.

This is dragging.

 

[Chris]

Severn going for takedowns then gutted his WWE career

 

[Sky]

Entry #461
Pierre vs. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams
Brawl for All Tournament First Round Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - July 20, 1998​

The final matches of the first round take place on this show! And oh come the fuck ON that's not fair. You take Dr. Death, surely one of the favourites, and you put him against the guy with one eye? Lame.

Pierre's attire is very piratey but he's announced as a Quebecer. 1998 was weird, a sort of synthesis between New Generation and Attitude Era. Williams gets a free takedown right away, slams away with punches, and gets another. Pierre does get a takedown before the end, but that doesn't mean it isn't all Dr. Death, and that continues in the second round. It's 35-5 by the end of round 2. Round 3, Williams smashes Pierre with punches again and again. Shortly before the end the ref decides he's out on his feet and gives Williams the win by decision.

I mean... at least it wasn't a grindy win on points? Now on to the final match of the round, 8-Ball vs. Scorpio... wait, it was a dark match? And they didn't actually show it? Well, at least that saves me some time, and means I don't have to watch a Harris Brother. Stay tuned for the quarters.

 

[Sky]

Entry #462
Bart Gunn vs. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams
Brawl for All Tournament Quarter-Final Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - July 27, 1998​

First quarter-final match! And it's Bart Gunn's turn to be a victim of the man they call Dr. Death. WWF have put a lot of money on this matchup going a certain way. What could possibly go wrong?

Nothing so far, as Williams gets a quick takedown. He's absolutely thrashing Bart with little reprisal. No scorecard after round 1, but I know who's got the edge. Round 2 sees Williams go for a takedown a few times but Bart keeps backing into the corner. Bart gets a surprise takedown late into the round. Our scorecard is apparently 15-5 to Dr. Death. "Boring" chants serenade round 3 as both men realise takedowns are the big money-maker and go for them. Bart scores one, and as Williams gets up he seems to be favouring his knee. The stability is gone, and Bart starts throwing punches, including an uppercut that takes Williams out! The tournament favourite has been beaten, and decisively!

It took 9 matches to get a knockout. Steve Williams' aura is dead, and Bart Gunn's is here. Or it would be if they'd actually run with this. Anyway, this is still a Brawl for All match.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #462
Bart Gunn vs. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams
Brawl for All Tournament Quarter-Final Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - July 27, 1998​

First quarter-final match! And it's Bart Gunn's turn to be a victim of the man they call Dr. Death. WWF have put a lot of money on this matchup going a certain way. What could possibly go wrong?

Nothing so far, as Williams gets a quick takedown. He's absolutely thrashing Bart with little reprisal. No scorecard after round 1, but I know who's got the edge. Round 2 sees Williams go for a takedown a few times but Bart keeps backing into the corner. Bart gets a surprise takedown late into the round. Our scorecard is apparently 15-5 to Dr. Death. "Boring" chants serenade round 3 as both men realise takedowns are the big money-maker and go for them. Bart scores one, and as Williams gets up he seems to be favouring his knee. The stability is gone, and Bart starts throwing punches, including an uppercut that takes Williams out! The tournament favourite has been beaten, and decisively!

It took 9 matches to get a knockout. Steve Williams' aura is dead, and Bart Gunn's is here. Or it would be if they'd actually run with this. Anyway, this is still a Brawl for All match.

The Death of Dr. Death himself. All because Russo wanted to see JBL get beat up. A noble goal. With disastrous results.

 

[Sky]

Entry #463
The Godfather vs. Scorpio
Brawl for All Tournament Quarter-Final Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - August 3, 1998​

"Wait, where's Dan Severn?" you ask. He didn't get injured. He decided to quit because the tournament is stupid. I now think infinitely more of him thanks to this. Except that he has a silly-sounding voice. Anyway, loser advances to face Scorpio.

Godfather offers a three-on-one handicap match with the Hos if Scorpio forfeits, but he doesn't. Scorpio's on the defensive in round 1, and is staggered by a left hook. He ends up backed into the corner as round 1 ends, and obviously Godfather's ahead on punches. One of the women in Godfather's corner does have a nice back arch, to be fair. Round 2 doesn't go much different, though at least this time Scorpio actually throws punches sometimes. Scorpio starts to go for takedowns out of desperation in round 3 but can't get any. He ends up getting a few punches but nothing comes of them. "Boring" chants sound again. Godfather wins without much resistance. Should've taken the Hos, Scorpio.

Boring.

 

[Chris]

I think that was the one I liked

 

[Sky]

Entry #464
Savio Vega vs. Darren Drozdov
Brawl for All Tournament Quarter-Final Match
WWF Monday Night RAW - August 10, 1998​

Not long to go, hopefully. I'm just begging for just one knockout, so I don't have to sit through three rounds of nothing and then a win on points. Here's Vega vs. Droz.

Vega gets a takedown early on, but the ref says no points for seemingly no reason. Droz starts throwing punches and gets Vega off his feet twice. Apparently both times it's a slip, not a knockdown. This is bullshit. Droz is up on punches after round 1. Round 2 sees Droz get a takedown, and the crowd explodes seemingly because something's finally happening. He then gets a knockdown, which was a slip apparently. Round 3 has Vega get a phantom non-takedown (what are the rules for what is and isn't a takedown in this match anyway?) before Droz gets a real one. Droz manages to out-punch in the closing seconds and win on points. They hug it out.

What are the rules in this shit? They don't make sense.

 

[Rosie]

So, Vega hugs a guy who in kayfabe pushed drugs on Hawk.

Smart.

 

[Chris]

So, Vega hugs a guy who in kayfabe pushed drugs on Hawk.

Smart.

Tbf, at the time they didn't know that. He hugged the guy that could puke on command though