Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Samoa Looch]

So, you know what this is? It's the first (and last) ever GOLD MATCH. It's the only match that represents absolutely everything that can make a bad match bad. Complete uncoordinated slop, bad decisions from top to bottom, and a display of two people humiliating themselves on camera for all of us to see for all time. And, by definition, that makes it the new official Worst Match Of All Time.

In conclusion? LSD is a hell of a drug.

...damn. 436 matches and the worst of 'em all doesn't feature the likes of David Flair, Renegade, Khali, Van Hammer or even Jenna Morasca. I never thought Sabu and Sandman would beat them all.

 

[Rosie]

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #437
Dustin Rhodes/King Kong vs. The Equalizer/Awesome Kong
Lethal Lottery Match
WCW BattleBowl - November 20, 1993​

I could be satisfied and say that's enough bad match for the day, but I'm on a tight schedule here! So let's take a look at mother fucking BattleBowl! One of WCW's silliest recurring ideas, it paired the "Lethal Lottery" of randomly-assigned tag teams with a two-ring battle royal. After it stank up Starrcade a couple of years in a row, WCW decided to quarantine it to its own show, and it did about as well as you'd expect. An estimated 55000 buys is a value that wouldn't even be matched until Mayhem 2000. That's right, even Russo WCW drew more than this show. And what do you expect, given a card full of TBD vs. TBD? Three matches went sub-zero here, including this one, a match involving Dave Sullivan and famously shit WCW team the Colossal Kongs that got minus three stars. Does it earn them? I bet it does!

Poor Dustin Rhodes. We start with an exchange of wristlocks between the non-Kong wrestlers. Equalizer gets a bit of momentum and starts throwing clotheslines (less like his idol Hogan, more like Warrior) until Dustin shuts him down with a drop toe hold and armdrag. Equalizer swings forearms about and responds to a back body drop attempt by kicking Dustin in the chops. Awesome Kong in now, who stumbles about. Dustin goes for the eyes and rolls him up for two. Awesome rakes the eyes for two and waddles about doing standard shitty big guy offence. I hear this guy taught Mabel everything he knows. Dustin tags in King Kong, and the crowd briefly pops for the idea of two fat fucks facing off, but he doesn't want to and tags Dustin in again. Bullshit!

Awesome's tactics involve truly awful brawling, and Equalizer isn't much better. Dustin gets a wristlock and FINALLY tags in King Kong, and it genuinely sounds like this match is taking place in an anechoic chamber for how quiet it is. This is all just brawling that doesn't even land. Equalizer can't even run the ropes right. He gets a boot up for a King corner charge, hits a shit shoulderblock but misses a legdrop. Hot tags to Dustin and Awesome Kong, and Dustin gets a Bionic Elbow for two. He somehow manages to sunset flip a lager man. Equalizer breaks it up, the match breaks down, and the Kongs sandwich Equalizer. Dustin bulldogs Awesome and finishes it. Jesse Ventura misidentifies Awesome as King during the replays, implying in the process that Dustin pinned his own partner. He might as well have. Not like you can tell. I don't care. It's over.

Poor Dustin Rhodes. Had to deal with these useless fuckers.

 

[Rosie]

Assuming this Awesome Kong is not the revolutionary women's wrestler.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Assuming this Awesome Kong is not the revolutionary women's wrestler.

Nope. Fat white guy.

 

[Rosie]

Nope. Fat white guy.

*facepalm*

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #438
Rick Rude/Shanghai Pierce vs. Marcus Alexander Bagwell/Tex Slazenger
Lethal Lottery Match
WCW BattleBowl - November 20, 1993​

This match follows the same general formula as the previous one. Good wrestler/bad tag guy vs. useless shitter/other bad tag guy. (These are the Godwinns, for the record.) Poor Rick Rude. He'll be retired within a year. This earned a minus 1 star rating from Dave.

Rude's tights are covered in pictures of everyone he's beaten. He's up against Bagwell first. Long staredown and Rude shoves Bagwell off the lockups pretty easily. Rude does a vertical suplex but doesn't even go down, just standing there as Bagwell falls. Bagwell gets a drop toe hold into an armbar, then tags in Tex. Rude tries to thumb Tex's eyes but can't break the wristlock. Rude tags in Shanghai Pierce, and they threaten to show us members of a tag team facing each other before not delivering. AGAIN. Rude comes in and Tex gets him from behind with some (let's be honest) shit brawling. Bagwell's working the arm but Rude takes it into his corner and brings in Pierce.

There's a bit of back and forth between these two. Bagwell gets a few actual decent moves in and starts to target Pierce's left arm, even killing an attempt at a counter via drop toe hold. Basic, but effective. Pierce has to exit the ring and tags in Rude. Rude's working over young Bagwell with a pretty nasty looking standing chinlock. In comes Pierce, and he and Bagwell share some more basic offence. Including a headlock. We continue to be teased with the Texicans exploding but it never happens. Bagwell goes to run the ropes but Rude pulls them down from outside and Bagwell wipes out. Now Rude tags in and hits a very cool delayed front suplex. I love Rude treating underneath guys like he just hates their guts. The face-in-peril routine continues as Pierce gets a knee drop and plants Bagwell's face into Rude's upturned boot.

Now Rude's just mistreating Bagwell. I almost feel bad for Buff Bagwell, which I think is the first time I'll say that. Bearhug as Bagwell fights his way to his own corner, but Pierce distracts the ref so he misses the hot tag. Pierce comes in, and it's time for an extended chinlock. Was nice while it lasted. After what feels like a long time Bagwell fights back, but eats a big boot and powerbomb for two. Tex breaks up the pin, and there's now friction between the two just in time for the hot tag! "We've got something going on at BattleBowl" -Schiavone, as if there's never been anything going on before. Rude gets a blind tag while Pierce is attempting to sunset flip Tex, gets the Rude Awakening, and wins. The Texicans brawl, we cut to a replay, and when we're back, suddenly they're friends again. Weird.

It was fine, then it was dull, then it started to get hot for a few seconds, then it just ended.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #439
Road Warrior Hawk/Rip Rogers vs. Davey Boy Smith/Kole
Lethal Lottery Match
WCW BattleBowl - November 20, 1993​

One last match from this show. I've still got 3 more BattleBowls to watch the bad from. Fuck.

Rip Rogers is so hyped to be breathing the same air as someone anyone's ever heard of, until Hawk wipes him out on the ramp. His own partner. Bulldog adds insult to injury. Even the future Booker T puts the boots in. Bulldog and Booker aren't on the same page either, as it turns out. Hawk and Bulldog are bros. They don't make a serious effort to fight each other. Lockups that go nowhere, and even a test of strength! Booker demands that Bulldog actually fight his opponent. So Booker gets tagged in. Rip Rogers is still dead. Staredown while Bulldog CHEERS ON Hawk. His OPPONENT. As if this concept weren't a complete joke already.

Booker throws forearms like a true untrained wrestler. He applies a chinlock until Hawk (cheered on by Bulldog) fights out and unleashes the chops. Booker recovers from a slam with the Spinaroonie, which is why I could never hate him. Rogers has almost made it to the ring. Booker's sidewalk slam only gets one. He argues with Bulldog over whom he wants to win, then goes to smash Rogers and stop him from entering the match. Bulldog starts an L-O-D chant, forgetting that's a WWF name. The rest is just basic brawling. Forearm clubs, boots, the like. Booker lays out Rogers again, then puts on an interminable chinlock.

After they get back up to their feet, Hawk fights back, but Booker rakes the eyes and hits a backbreaker. Booker misses an elbow drop, so Hawk can fight back and hit a fist drop. He then grabs Rogers, picks him up, and tosses him on to Booker. The ref counts three, despite Booker visibly kicking out on two. Bulldog comes out to congratulate Hawk on beating him in a match he didn't really take part in.

A complete farce.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Would it hurt Vince Russo to let a match breathe?

Fixed it for you.

 

[Skyefire]

I was just catching up on the past few weeks worth of posts here, and I wanted to go back to Great American Bash 2000. I recently watched WWE's Best of Great American Bash DVD, which included both the Ambulance Match and the main event. I didn't think the Ambulance Match was too bad aside from the ending. The main event though, ugh that was bad. A lot of the match just didn't make sense. It felt like they were trying to recreate the Austin vs Dude Love classic with Mr. McMahon, Pat Patterson, and Gerald Brisco all involved, but this was nowhere near that.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #440
Big Josh vs. Black Bart
WCW SuperBrawl I - May 19, 1991​

We're once again rootling in WCW's compost heap, because this is another show that had a MINUS THREE STAR match. This was not it. It was, however, rated a DUD. Wonder why? I spend a lot of time bashing Big Josh this thread, it seems.

Big Josh is out here with trained bears who walk on their hind legs! Also with an actual animal handler who's there to make sure that there isn't a Bear Incident. Black Bart tries to establish dominance with Forearm Clubs (the classic preserve of the big man who can't work) but Josh fights back and does his stupid looking log roll. Bart gets an eye rake for advantage that lasts about ten seconds. Josh locks the wrist and takes full control of the arm, in a variety of positions. Bart uses a second eye rake and starts pressing his advantage with a bit of gouging. Are this guy's only moves forearm clubs and eye abuse? Looks like it. Josh gets a couple of surprise arm takedowns, drops Bart, and wins with Northern Exposure.

My takeaway from this is that Black Bart can't wrestle. Am I right? I think I'm right.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #441
Oz vs. Tim Parker
WCW SuperBrawl I - May 19, 1991​

Here's the son of a bitch! The minus three star match. The debut of OZ. Turner had gotten the rights to the Wizard of Oz to put on TCM, so they asked WCW for a bit of brand synergy. And this was the result!

Big elaborate entrance. A narrator tells us about a guy who isn't the Wizard of Oz, but he is the Great Wizard who rules over Oz. What? How does that make sense? Making Oz and the Wizard two separate characters, was that just a ploy to give Kevin Sullivan some screen time? You could have at least had him play the "NOT NOBODY NOT NOHOW" door guard or something. Dorothy and co. show up, and the crowd is BURYING THIS SO HARD oh my fucking god you could not believe it. "Welcome to Oz", says Sullivan, as Kevin Nash in a pointy hat emerges from a giant castle gate setup. The lights go up a little and I notice Sullivan has a monkey. Oz makes his entrance to shitty 80s rock, and he removes his mask and hat to reveal he looks a bit like Master Blaster Steel.

...and after all that he slams Parker a couple of times and wins with an airplane spin. And so begins and ends the push of Oz. Apparently there were plans for more classic movie characters for WCW, including - and I'm not making this up - Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind. I'm willing to bet if that had happened, a lot more people would have said to WCW "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn".

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #442
Sid Vicious vs. El Gigante
Stretcher Match
WCW SuperBrawl I - May 19, 1991​

Last look at this show, and we've got a minus 1 star match to "enjoy". Sid's on his way out, so they've got to get over their hot new star somehow. Even if their hot new star can't wrestle for shit.

Gigante struggles to drag the stretcher to the ring, so he just picks it up and carts it over. Dusty Rhodes raises the possibility of this match ending by pinfall. It's so weird to see Sid being dwarfed, being unable to knock a guy down. They tease the test of strength and when Gigante is obviously taller Sid takes a cheap shot. Which the camera misses. Gigante responds with a clothesline that is somehow both soft and reckless. Sid hits an apparently low blow (which the camera misses again) and starts to attack the hamstrings. Doesn't stop Gigante getting the boot up and pinning him with a brain claw. Sid doesn't even get put on the stretcher as Sullivan and the One Man Gang come over to attack, but still don't manage to get the giant down.

Short, uneventful, and a stretcher match that ended in pinfall. Fuck off.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #440
Big Josh vs. Black Bart
WCW SuperBrawl I - May 19, 1991​

We're once again rootling in WCW's compost heap, because this is another show that had a MINUS THREE STAR match. This was not it. It was, however, rated a DUD. Wonder why? I spend a lot of time bashing Big Josh this thread, it seems.

Big Josh is out here with trained bears who walk on their hind legs! Also with an actual animal handler who's there to make sure that there isn't a Bear Incident. Black Bart tries to establish dominance with Forearm Clubs (the classic preserve of the big man who can't work) but Josh fights back and does his stupid looking log roll. Bart gets an eye rake for advantage that lasts about ten seconds. Josh locks the wrist and takes full control of the arm, in a variety of positions. Bart uses a second eye rake and starts pressing his advantage with a bit of gouging. Are this guy's only moves forearm clubs and eye abuse? Looks like it. Josh gets a couple of surprise arm takedowns, drops Bart, and wins with Northern Exposure.

My takeaway from this is that Black Bart can't wrestle. Am I right? I think I'm right.

Wait... They had TRAINED BEARS and didn't get a working bear for the match? WTF dude if one of them was a workin bear this would have gone from did to 5 stars (6 in the Tokyo Dome).

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #443
"Dr. Death" Steve Williams vs. The Italian Stallion
NWA Clash of the Champions IV - December 7, 1988​

There's one last "WWEverse" minus 3 star match to deal with. This isn't it. But it's a minus 1 star match on the same show, so here you go. This looks like a squash match. Well, you'd think that. You'd think that, wouldn't you. Dr. Death against the guy who stole the Hardys' money when they were starting out and left them stranded in Georgia with nowhere to go. I just thought I'd remind everyone of what the Italian Stallion is best known for. Let's go.

Dr. Death is in full Varsity Club mode, having recently joined Kevin Sullivan's amateur-wrestler-but-professional-dickhead group. We get a brief interview with TV champ Mike Rotunda and Sullivan where they trash Rick Steiner and call him stupid for quitting the Club. Williams is getting the job done early, but then Stallion gets a burst of offence, ending with a dropkick that sends him out. Williams' wristlock is easily bested by Stallion's, so he takes his man down by grabbing the ankle. Amateur forearm clubs until Stallion downs Williams with a clothesline! How is this jobber doing so well?

Exchange of wristlocks until Williams gets an honest to goodness Angle Slam (in 1988). He misses an elbow drop and Stallion gets a drop of his own for two. Stallion's got control of the left arm. This is not how you put a guy like Dr. Death over. Especially as he's now blatantly using the ropes for leverage. And you've established that he needs to, given how much he's given to this loser. Williams misses clotheslines and elbows and gets caught with a clothesline for two. The only thing that suggests that Williams might be anywhere near the level he's meant to be at is the fact that he tosses Stallion off him for the pin. The ring announcer is meant to announce 5 minutes have elapsed, but instead says 5 minutes are remaining.

Time for Williams to work Stallion over. With his amateur style? No, by tossing the guy out and letting Sullivan in his shitty jeans deal with it. And an amateur shoulder charge into the apron. Williams threatens to make me care by using a delayed vertical suplex on Stallion for two. But then Stallion basically no-sells and brawls his way back for a moment. Williams gets a knee up to shut down but HURTS HIS OWN KNEE. Sleeper applied. Ten minutes elapse during the arm-drop routine. Stallion does eventually fight back, standing and elbowing out of it as is custom. Stallion hits a clothesline but misses an elbow drop. I feel like this guy's basically Ultimate Warrior without the roids or the aura.

Williams hits a dropkick and rolls up Stallion for two. He's controlling the legs, but basically does nothing with it. Sullivan gets in Stallion's face, Williams knocks him out and of course Sullivan's cheating. WHY DOES DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS NEED TO CHEAT TO GET AHEAD AGAINST THE ITALIAN STALLION?? He's a guy who screams "biggest killer badass you'll ever see", and he needs to cheat to beat this scrub. Stallion's taking on Williams with mounted punches but he stops that with an inverted atomic nutshot and elbow drop for two. We're 15 minutes in and Williams tries a sleeper. He slams Stallion, goes up top for a splash, but misses. Big comeback spot, dropkicks, slams. Williams reverses a whip and catches with the Oklahoma Stampede for the win.

Honestly, this kind of buries Dr. Death! Now he just looks like your average heel, who needs to cheat to beat no-names over the course of FIFTEEN SHITTING MINUTES, and who has only a decent finisher to his name. Whose idea was this?