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Entry #414 Finlay/Little Bastard vs. The Boogeyman/Little Boogeyman WWE No Way Out - February 18, 2007
England lost in the football and I'm on a bit of a high, so let's do another one to bring me back to earth! This one features Boogeyman! I fucking hate the gross-out stuff that Boogeyman does. But something I do like - this is a rare non-Mexican example of a mascota tag team match, where regular wrestlers team with their mini versions. It's Clowns vs. Kings at Survivor Series 94, this, and I can't think of any more. Dragon Gate probably did some. I don't know. Let's watch. (Fun fact, this is from the last branded PPV for nearly a decade! The fact that this was on PPV should tell you why they killed them off.)
The future Hornswoggle immediately does a tumble on the way to the ring (somewhere, Titus O'Neil watches and learns). Both Boogeys do a weird sort of skank all the way down the entrance. JBL calls Cole out for his anti-Irish racism in calling Swoggle a bastard. Long staredown, Finlay engages but takes a fireman's carry takeover. Boogey sweeps the legs and drags Finlay to the outside for about ten seconds of BOTO. He's not really that mobile as a wrestler, is he? After a bit of face-bashing and the occasional big boot, Boogey hits a scoop slam. Boogey allows his mini to take his turn with a couple of seated sentons. He then eats worms. Fuck off. Swoggle comes out from under the ring, puts his hat on Finlay, and it looks like a MINI FIGHT is about to ensue before Finlay boots Little Boogey in the face.
A small package almost takes Finlay out; he takes out his frustrations on Little Boogey with forearms from his knees. Finlay gives the world's smallest armbar but Little Boogey isn't tapping. Swoggle drags Little Boogey under the ring, and Finlay goes to check... Big Boogey comes out! After a bit of brawling, Boogey catapults off the ropes with a shoulder tackle! Time for Boogey's comeback, with atomic drops, a catapult, and fucking hell Michael Cole is hoarse all match. It's offputting. Boogey tosses his mini on to Finlay, and Swoggle makes the save by breaking the pin. Boogey's about to feed some worms to Swoggle, and chases him off. This allows Finlay to hit the mini with the shillelagh for the win.
You know what? Harmless. How did this get minus three stars?
Entry #415 Team WCW (Diamond Dallas Page/Roddy Piper/The Warrior) vs. nWo Hollywood (Hollywood Hogan/Bret Hart/Stevie Ray) vs. nWo Wolfpac (Kevin Nash/Sting/Lex Luger)
Three Way WarGames WCW Fall Brawl - September 13, 1998
The worst-rated Dave match in the WWEverse that I haven't reviewed yet is this. There's four wretched matches on this show that got zero stars or fewer from the Observer (one of which, Scott Hall vs. Konnan, I've already seen), but only one plumbed the depths to MINUS FOUR. Why? Let's go to Michael Buffer to explain the rules.
Three teams of three men each, as opposed to the traditional two
The order of entry is random, not alternating between teams
The match can end at any time, even when all men haven't entered
There's a single winner, who gets a title shot
Repeat, the match can end BEFORE EVERYONE'S IN, and there's NO INCENTIVE TO WORK AS A TEAM
What the fuck
Nobody gets their entrance music, by the way. DDP and Bret Hart (entrants 1 and 2) both enter to the same generic "Epic BGM #4". Also Sting already has a match against Goldberg tomorrow night, so why is he in the match? At least it's DDP/Bret to start off. Two actual wrestlers. Both men exchange arm wringers and DDP gets a shoulderblock for two(??). He gets a more appropriate two-count off a belly-to-belly. DDP goes for the Diamond Cutter early (yes! That makes sense!) but is countered, then tries to mount Bret in the corner but gets facebusted. Commentary remarks how the teams aren't at ringside (like literally every other WarGames before this one, as if this weren't enough of a fake WarGames).
Bret goes for a corner choke, and then a boot choke. Tenay reminds us that the order of entry is random. DDP tries to rally but takes a backbreaker and a falling headbutt from Bret. DDP shuts down a suplex and hurts Bret's arm. Russian legsweep by Bret for two, followed by a small package from DDP for the same result. Time for the third entry who is...
Stevie Ray! Schiavone explains Hogan sent out Stevie Ray to do his bidding... but if there's no incentive to actually work as a team, why wouldn't Hogan go out on his own? There's a universe where Stevie gets a title shot because Hogan didn't go out himself early. Stevie and Bret work DDP with rope chokes and the like but DDP gets a double clothesline. Which Stevie no-sells. And then proceeds to NOT go for the pin. Which makes negative sense. Commentary tries to sell it as him being manipulated by Hogan to soften up the competition for him, but... nah. You're telling me a man who did all the things he did in the Harlem Heat 2000 storyline has zero self-interest?
Next entrant, IT'S STIIIIIING, who looks stupid in his red face paint. He brawls with Stevie, comes out on top, and hits a flying forearm (a "variation of the Stinger Splash" apparently) into the other ring. And proceeds to land on the top of his head. It's a miracle he's not in a hospital bed like in that movie The Sea Inside. Did you ever see that? it was decent. Anyway, generic brawl time between Sting and Stevie, while off camera Bret and DDP are doing stuff. Including an old school piledriver! Remember when Bret had an impact finisher?
Roddy Piper's out next, and he's the only one who seems to understand it's not really a team match, as he attacks everyone including his supposed teammate DDP. Piper claps and then bites Stevie's ears. After downing Bret, Piper bumps into DDP from behind, which apparently is grounds for a brawl. Stevie Ray's stuck in the gap between the rings. The camera can't keep up and neither can I.
Entrant six, Lex Luger, takes his sweet time in getting to the ring. Heenan says this is good psychology, ignoring the fact that PINFALLS CAN HAPPEN WHILE YOU'RE ENTERING. YOU FUCKING MORONS. HOW IS THIS BEING CALLED WARGAMES? Luger joins the nondescript brawl, and I can't really keep track. Stevie is in Piper's sleeper.
Entrant seven is Kevin Nash! Who is supposedly running to the ring, but it feels mostly like a Chariots of Fire slo-mo run. Nash already has the straps down and is going for a Jackknife on Stevie... Hogan's out? What?? Hogan's out early, and I can't believe that Russo was still with WWF at the time because this feels very Russo. After cleaning up one ring Hogan and Stevie go to ring two to punch some dudes and use a slapjack. Luger had Bret in the Torture Rack at some point, and that's something I'd rather have seen than Hogan Punching. Even if it does involve Luger. They lay Nash out so Hogan can hit a leg drop... and NOT GO FOR THE PIN! Another leg drop, and Hogan goes for the cover...
But there's SMOKE! No one can see! And then when it clears, the Warrior has arrived! (Out of a trap door that broke Bulldog's back!) Hogan immediately beats the shit out of him, but more smoke and Hogan's only holding a jacket. Burst of flame, and out comes Warrior from the entrance! He's early, on top of everything. The Disciple (oh fuck me, the DISCIPLE) drags Hogan out to save him from a beating, Hogan is now LOCKED OUT OF THE CAGE for some reason. What's the point of being in a cage when you can just decide not to be in a cage? Warrior wrecks Stevie Ray and shouts at Hogan from inside. He resorts to BREAKING THROUGH THE CAGE! And then taking a fall on concrete and legit fucking up his knee!
Meanwhile actually in the ring, DDP ducks a slapjack shot (that is miles away from Bret Hart, but which Bret gamely sells anyway) and gets a Diamond Cutter on Stevie to win this team match. Individually. This isn't WarGames.
But at least it was more like wrestling than WarGames 2000. At least there was a winner. However, they did bury an entire match format just to get over this Hogan/Warrior rivalry and give DDP a title shot, so it's still shit.
Entry #416 The British Bulldog/Jim Neidhart vs. The Dancing Fools WCW Fall Brawl - September 13, 1998
But there are, of course, two more minus star matches I have to deal with. Plus one more that got half a star somehow, but has consistently been rated poorly. So, back to Fall Brawl 98 we go, and back to the opener! Roid-inflated shadows of the Hart Foundation against Disco and his German friend. When Alex Wright is the guy I most want to see, it's a problem. Let's go.
Wright's got better moves than Disco, honestly. We begin with a bit of stalling and playing to the crowd. "USA" chants while a German and an Englishman are in the ring, and Wright almost refuses to wrestle when he hears it. Wright tosses Bulldog out of a headlock, and Bulldog whines that he's had his hair pulled. The ref believes him outright. Bulldog and Wright exchange rights in the corner, until the Standard OVW Rope Running Thing ends in a hip toss and gorilla press drop from Bulldog. Anvil vs. Disco now. Big feeling out process. Anvil's headlock goes to the ropes, and then he starts just flat-footedly shoulderblocking Disco. He swivels his hips to show Disco up, which is pretty fun actually.
Disco gets a drop toe hold and stomps away at Neidhart, who doesn't seem to react and gets up pretty quickly. Neidhart is downed with a knee lift, and Disco presses his advantage... by going into the Hart family corner and getting the fuck beaten out of him. Bulldog headlock goes to the ropes again, but Wright shuts down the momentum and tags in. Wright stomps a mudhole but decides to taunt at the wrong time so Bulldog can recover. Monkey flip, Bulldog lands right on his feet... but Wright gets a back kick for two. Knife edge chops, Wright tosses Bulldog to the floor, and then back to the corner for more knife edge chops. Bulldog comes back with a forearm.
Wright downs Bulldog and brings in Disco with a knee drop for two. Disco soon misses a lariat and gets tossed to the outside. Neidhart has Disco in a Tree of Woe on the guardrail, which is a Brawling On The Outside element we don't see enough. Disco elbows out of Bulldog's headlock but gets swept off his feet. Headlock again, and Neidhart and Wright get into it just a bit. Disco tries to sunset flip a larger man, but succeeds in stamping on his feet. Bulldog does what I think is meant to be a flapjack on the top rope, but is just him dropping Disco on to the second. Neidhart visibly drags Disco by the hair and the ref doesn't give a shit. "We want Bret" chants. Yep. That's the appropriate reaction to Jim Neidhart.
They're doing spots in slow motion. Disco dodges a springboard shoulderblock and tags in to Wright! Missile dropkicks for everyone! And.. oh no, it's that spot. Wright back body drops Bulldog on to the Warrior trapdoor, and it's like concrete, and it destroys Bulldog's back. And then Wright slams him again. Neidhart's in, attacking Wright. Bulldog sets up the powerslam but Disco stops it. The ref gets involved, ducking under Wright's run, and he ploughs into Disco by mistake. Bulldog very visibly struggles to get Disco (the non-legal man) up for the running powerslam, but does it for the win.
Really sad stuff. I feel worse for having watched it.
Entry #417 Norman Smiley vs. Ernest "The Cat" Miller WCW Fall Brawl - September 13, 1998
Now it's time to look at something that's bad for the right reasons. For example, featuring the Cat. He's even earlier in his career than he was in 2000, so he sucks even more than usual!
Cat insists on cutting a promo to start off, saying that he is Good At Karate and offers his opponent five seconds to leave. 2000 Screamin' Norman would have taken him up on the offer. Match is on and soon Cat is sent to the floor. Tenay talks about Smiley's experience not just in Mexico, but in Japanese UWF. You love to hear it. Cat gets a superkick when Smiley follows him, and then whips him to the ropes. Cat's offence is mixed pretty much 50/50 between "throwing his arms and legs around" and "doing vaguely martial artsy things to air". A double chop downs Smiley. Cat throws knee lifts that clearly don't come close to hitting until Smiley takes the advantage and gets a leg drop and elbow for two.
Cat begs for mercy but doesn't get it, so goes for an eye rake. Cat's stomps are so comically bad. Plus him going for a rope choke targeting the BACK of Smiley's neck. Crowd wants Goldberg. Cat has an armbar but Smiley punches him out of it and takes full control. Which he uses to bash face against turnbuckle. Big delayed vertical suplex by Smiley for two. Cat claps Smiley's ears to stop a superplex, and a top rope Feliner dazes Smiley enough for Cat to hit another one for the win. He grabs a mic and calls himself the GREATEEEEEEST.
Eric Bischoff's son's karate instructor can't really wrestle. That's the headline.
Entry #418 Scott Steiner vs. Rick Steiner WCW Fall Brawl - September 13, 1998
And we pay our final visit to Fall Brawl 98 with this brother vs. brother match. Scott is bros with Buff Bagwell in nWo Hollywood, and Rick is the babyface who won't be denied a chance to wrestle his brother any longer. What could go wrong? A lot of things, as it turns out.
Scott starts on the outside, and tries to goad Rick into joining him. Scott eventually comes in and the crowd is HOT as Rick slugs away. Lariat and elbow drop, and Scott is just getting pounded. Rick's even shrugging off Scott's offence, and the evil Steiner rolls to the outside and into the crowd, I hope someone was actually in those seats originally, because Scott lands in empty ones. Back in the ring, Bagwell grabs Rick's leg to basically no effect. Rick's about to do a belly-to-belly but Scott hoofs him in the testicles not once, but twice in a row. Now Scott's got the advantage and is just stomping before we go to the outside again! Time for some WCW-style BOTO! Hope you like it, because this is the future!
Back in the ring, Scott puts the boots in. He gets a double underhook but Rick counters him and hits a DDT. Bagwell mounts the apron, and Rick goozles him and sends him into the ring post... where he stops moving. The Steiners just keep brawling while the commentators talk about Bagwell's previous neck injury. The ref orders the match stopped. Because of an injury to Buff Bagwell. Yes, really. There's no explanation for this if it's not legit. "Bullshit" chants. Medical staff are talking at length with Bagwell. He's in a neck brace and out on a trolley. Even Rick looks sad. This has to be legit. He's wheeled off, legitimately... they follow him to the back... but SWERVE, BRO!! Buff wasn't hurt at all! They were just pantomiming a legit neck injury to do a fuck finish!
You know what I have to say? FUCK OFF. I'll probably do the World War 3 matches tomorrow. Those were bad. Not "worked shoot neck injury" bad, though. "Incomprehensible" bad.
Entry #419 The 1995 World War 3 Match
for the vacant WCW World Heavyweight Championship WCW World War 3 - November 26, 1995
Hey, it's tomorrow somewhere. So, it's time for a look at one of WCW's stupidest ideas. A three-ring, 60-man battle royal. Impossible to follow! Full of jobbers to pad the numbers, and yet for a belt somehow! Advertised as "a giant in every ring" but all of their proposals for a third giant pulled out! That's WCW World War 3! This is going to do a LOT for the stats, with just how many people are involved. And there's four of these! And they were never good. So... let the madness begin. It takes several minutes to announce the entrants, but I've got a handy little list for everyone that Penzer introduces...
Arn Anderson
Alex Wright
Brian Knobbs
Ricky Santana
Squire David Taylor
Scott Armstrong
Sting
Joey Maggs
Pez Whatley
Disco Inferno
Meng
Stevie Ray
Mark Starr
Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker
Lt. James Earl Wright
Lex Luger
Eddie Guerrero
Cobra (the future nWo Sting)
The Giant
Paul Orndorff
Chris Kanyon
Bobby Walker
Earl Robert Eaton
Chris Benoit
Randy Savage
Marcus Alexander Bagwell
The Yeti (looking more like a ninja)
Kurasawa
Hugh Morrus
The Zodiac
VK Wallstreet
Diamond Dallas Page
Scott Norton
Brian Pillman
Sgt. Craig Pittman
The One Man Gang
Super Assassin #2 (Warlord in a mask)
Mr. JL
Bunkhouse Buck
Kensuke Sasaki
Mike Winner
The Shark
Steve Armstrong
Road Warrior Hawk
Dave Sullivan
Scotty Riggs
Johnny B. Badd
Big Train Bart
Lord Steven Regal
Dick Slater
Maxx Muscle
Super Assassin #1 (Barbarian in a mask)
Fidel Sierra
The Taskmaster
Jerry Saggs
Jim Duggan
Booker T
Big Bubba Rogers
Ric Flair
Hulk Hogan
Phew. That was a lot of people. And in such a weird order too. We really don't care about the Super Assassins or the Barrio Brothers, so why not announce them together? There surely wasn't someone watching with bated breath when Super Assassin #2 got in, wondering if Super Assassin #1 would enter. Just like no one cared that Keith Cole, but not Kent Cole, was drawn in Battlebowl 1993. That's another stupid idea that requires the use of too many jobbers. As if the pageantry of 60 entrances in a row weren't enough, we get a long Michael Buffer entrance. Meanwhile, behind him, Regal looks aghast at having to share the ring with so many men. He's amazing.
As a portent for how this match is going to go, the first elimination (the Yeti, that is one of the advertised giants) happens off-screen. There's three bits of split screen to show us the action from all three rings. Only trouble, we can't tell which ring is which. I do love some of the pairings you'd never see in any other match (DDP and Jerry Lynn? Fuck me running that's great), but naturally for battles royal, they never get room to breathe. I have no idea what is happening. I get the feeling my recap is going to be three matches of this. Hulk Hogan is carrying Ric Flair on the outside of the rings. Is one of them eliminated? Are both? Who knows?
Schiavone tells me Mike Winner is out, thus proving nominative determinism unequivocally wrong. At several points multiple PiPs are showing the same ring, thus defeating the purpose of three cameras in the first place! We get informed of a rule that states if one of the rings 2 and 3 becomes depleted, they've all got to move into ring 1 for the Final Battle. Or whatever. Brian Knobbs eliminates Mark Starr, and the army men are arguing with each other, and I haven't the faintest why. They're all eliminated. Arn Anderson is working a leg from the outside. He's not eliminated, I don't think. I've given up on following this already.
A ton of people are trying to tip Hogan over. Naturally they don't succeed. Mr. JL is gone, sadly. Sting mounts the Giant and it just gets him bearhugged. Pillman is really happy with himself. A few men are targeting Hawk, then they just give up. Apparently, one of the rings has now emptied and its remainder have moved over to ring 1. Zodiac and DDP get together to boot choke Pillman at the same time, which feels unnecessary. Benoit seems to agree. A ton of guys are fighting on the outside, like Sting and Flair. They're probably not eliminated, but it's not clear. Someone's being stretchered off. I hope that's not Mike Winner from earlier, and the medical staff only just got to him. That would be sad.
We are FINALLY down to one ring and the split screen nightmare has ended. This makes the action still incomprehensible, but less small. Gang, Kevin Sullivan, and Zodiac are all getting together to choke Hogan. I suppose you need that many, don't you? Sgt. Craig Pittman is still in this match. Kurasawa's still in. Joey Maggs is only just out. They mention Dave Taylor being the British Heavyweight Champ at the time, and they're right. Nice touch. Big Bubba Rogers is gone. There's ANOTHER stretcher, and this time it's for Scott Armstrong. Eddie Guerrero is on the top rope, and no one thinks just to tip him off. Hogan eliminates Booker T, muttering something to him. I can only dread to guess what.
This is dragging. Savage and Luger have decided to visit the outside and one of the empty rings to play out their battle. DDP's out, and he drags Johnny B. Badd out with him. My pick, Craig Pittman, is gone. So is Benoit. Hogan uses hair pulling to fend off an attack by Gang. Kurasawa is eliminated by going through the ropes. I didn't know he was a Diva! Zodiac is gone! Yes! No! It's now mostly main eventers. Pillman is gone, and he and Hawk have a tug of war to see who gets to keep Kensuke Sasaki (nice Hell Raisers reference). Hogan tips both of them over, so it doesn't matter. Orndorff is out and falls absolutely arse over tit. Seriously, if you watch anything in this match you have to see his fall. Full Leaning Jowler.
(edit: thanks Looch for this GIF of it!)
Nice to see Eddie still in. Flair and Arn are getting together to give him the Figure Four. Oop, as I say that, he's gone. It's the final eight, which is the equivalent of the Rumble final four I guess. Luger goes out through the ropes. Big chokeslam by Giant to Savage. He's not really mastered the technique yet. Flair goes to the top rope... ARN SHOVES HIM OFF! Flair's mad! Sting and Luger try to shove the Giant out... until Hogan gives the last push and eliminates all three! Hogan slides out under the ring just as Savage tosses Gang out... and then the match is called over! Savage is the new world champ! Of course, this is all done just to give Hogan a chance to whine about being screwed, because he would win every fair fight and he is God. Wank. Oh hey, and I just noticed this is part of his shaved-tache phase. Looks so wrong.
If I sounded excited about this match sometimes and you're tempted to watch it... please don't. It's an absurd spectacle, pretty much unwatchable if you're not there live, and an absolutely horrid way to spend thirty real life minutes. With a fuck finish too.
Entry #420 The 1996 World War 3 Match WCW World War 3 - November 24, 1996
For the second year in a row, we're in the Norfolk Scope to watch 30 minutes of incomprehensible battle royal action! This time, though, it's not for the title, but for an unspecified title shot somewhere in the future. Not at Starrcade though, oh no. Hogan's got to have a non-title match against Piper in that one! Okay, who's our rogues gallery of no-hopers?
Lex Luger
Eddie Guerrero
Tony Rumble
Diamond Dallas Page
Kenny Kaos
Robbie Rage
Michael Wallstreet
Marcus Alexander Bagwell
Scotty Riggs
Sgt. Craig Pittman
Booker T
Stevie Ray
Big Bubba Rogers
Hugh Morrus
Konnan
Big Ron Studd (aka the YETAY)
Lord Steven Regal
La Parka
Pez Whatley
Steve McMichael
Disco Inferno
The Renegade (sans face-paint, and jobbing)
Joe Gomez
Meng
The Barbarian
Bunkhouse Buck
Arn Anderson
Johnny Grunge
Ciclope
Galaxy
Syxx
Scott Hall
Kevin Nash
The Giant
Scott Norton
Ultimo Dragon
Jimmy Graffiti (remember Jimmy Graffiti? No you don't. Even though he used to be a Heavenly Body)
Mike Enos
Rey Misterio Jr.
Roadblock
Ice Train
Jack Boot (yet another shitty gimmick from Sarge)
Jim Duggan
Chris Benoit (looking banged up)
Juventud Guerrera
Jacques Rougeau
Carl Ouellet
Prince Iaukea
Dean Malenko
Jeff Jarrett
Bobby Eaton
Jim Powers
Squire David Taylor
Chris Jericho
Alex Wright
Mark Starr
Mr. JL
Villano IV
Rick Steiner
Kevin Sullivan
I may have mixed these up, but they don't have Penzer mic'd loud enough for me to hear who's coming out at any given time. At least they're sending out tag teams together this time. Benoit and Sullivan start out brawling from the beginning, and the Faces of Fear try to help out. This escalates into a Dungeon of Doom vs. Horsemen brawl (oh shit, I forgot Konnan was in the late Dungeon). Some fucking loser in the crowd tries to get himself over. The two of them go into the crowd as we enter the triple split-screen nightmare. And this is where all hope of actually recapping this match goes out the window.
Mongo's apparently hitting Dungeon members with a Canadian flag. Not like we can see it. We cut to a full-screen of the Benoit/Sullivan brawl, while I'm guessing jobbers like Jack Boot are getting eliminated left and right. Back to ringside goes the brawl. Bagwell comes close to eliminating DDP, but doesn't. Meanwhile in the brawl, Benoit's been bashed against the announce table and is taking shots from Sullivan with Duggan's 2x4. The commentators let us know that the Horsemen and Dungeon have all been disqualified. Lee Marshall's been bumped. Tony Rumble's gone. Who? So is Ciclope. Jeff Jarrett's riding the ropes crotch-first. Dusty seems to think that Big JOHN Studd is in the ring.
Guys are going out quicker now. Parka and Scott Norton, Galaxy, Renegade, Graffiti. nWo members putting midcarders through hell. Mark Starr does a Orndorff-esque bump in his little corner of the screen, but no one can imitate the original and the best. Jericho forgets the rules and tries to pin Juvi. Kenny Kaos is gone. If they're taking this long to eliminate men like Joe Gomez, it's dragging out far too long. The nWo are just standing around and not eliminating anyone, not like you can tell. Disco Inferno is lost on the outside. He's not eliminated, he's just lost. There's a big-on-big clash between Giant and Roadblock, that could really have breathed properly if there weren't three screens at once.
Everyone in ring 1 gives a 12-on-1 pile-on to Big Ron Studd. Nobody knows that you have to pin a man to take him out. Morons. Duggan and the French-Canadians are fighting after being eliminated. Bagwell eliminates Riggs... the American Males are about to explode! Wallstreet is gone. Rey and Ultimo Dragon continue their awesome match from earlier in the night. Nobody knows who's eliminated and who isn't, not even the commentators. They're now all starting to filter into one ring. They haven't yet switched back to one camera, though. Somehow, Jack Boot hasn't been eliminated until now. Like a true military man, he tries to attack an injured Johnny Grunge, but gets wiped out.
MY PICK, Craig Pittman, is gone. Also Malenko and Booker T. Disco's gone too. The nWo boys are applying their typical lack of effort. Now some actual name value is going out (well, Rick Steiner). The field starts to clear, and FINALLY we go to one camera, and it's a WCW vs. nWo standoff! Regal manages to send Eddie Guerrero out. Rey rushes Giant, but Giant lifts him up one-handed and tosses him out in the hypest spot all match. DDP narrowly survives. Hall has Jarrett up for the Edge but Regal saves him. But then Jarrett's eliminated by Nash anyway. All four of the nWo get together to remove Regal.
Now it's 1-on-4, Luger vs. the nWo. Finally, Luger's an effective babyface. The WWF could never with their Lex Express shit. Giant is in the corner and Luger gets him briefly in the Torture Rack. He counters an Outsider's Edge to eliminate Hall! He tosses Syxx out! He has Nash in the Torture Rack, but the Giant comes in to eliminate both of them for the big finish. The Giant's going to... well, not Starrcade, but somewhere! Big nWo celebration to close the show.
Really not an improvement over the 1995 edition. You'd think they'd have refined it by now. More people need to go out quicker, or it just drags.
Entry #421 Triple H vs. Rob Van Dam
Canadian Lumberjack Match WWE Monday Night RAW - October 14, 2002
As @Rosie suggested, now that 420 has passed, I've got to do a few weed wrestlers. For Rob Van Dam, I was going to go with something from his series with Sami Callihan, but I can do those later. I've obviously got a limited time for Network stuff. So here we are, at a poorly-received match from a poorly-received RAW. This is Reign of Terror-era HHH. I know what that means!
It's lumberjacks with straps. I can spot the likes of the Un-Americans and 3 Minute Warning. Commentary mentions HHH's mind games with Kane... oh yeah, this is Katie Vick times too! RVD comes in strong, busting out a monkey flip early. HHH pushes him into the lumberjacks, who whip away at RVD. RVD's well-beaten as he goes back in to the ring, so HHH can give us his usual offence. Which is slow punching and kicking. Commentary can't stop talking about Katie Vick. As soon as RVD gets a comeback HHH tosses him to the lumberjacks again. Back in the ring HHH covers for two.
RVD whips out of a back suplex and kicks HHH, sending him to the lumberjacks. And the lumberjacks... help him up. Oh, they're all heels. Guess RVD's going to have to overcome the odds. He dives into all of them, rolls HHH in the ring, but is held back by RICO of all people. He gets a whipping and Big Show tosses him inside. RVD keeps kicking out. God, everything HHH does is so dull. Apparently there were meant to be face lumberjacks but HHH locked them in their locker room. The Glacial Assassin really milks a vertical suplex, followed by a backbreaker for two. He mounts RVD on the top rope, RVD starts to fight back, but HHH gets a superplex for two. The crowd finally realises Earl Hebner is referee and starts a "you screwed Bret" chant because they've got nothing better to do.
RVD can do basically nothing. ABDOMINAL STRETCH as we're just watching a burial. Jamal holds HHH's hand for leverage, the ref notices, but the crowd still boos him. RVD gets a surprise roll-up for two, hits the boot-catch enzuigiri, Rolling Thunder for two. HHH gets a boot, Pedigree teased, but RVD drops him off. Spin kick, Five Star teased, but Jericho drags him down off the top rope and starts a lumberjack beatdown. Finally the face lumberjacks get out of their locker room, and the only interesting part of a lumberjack match starts: the big brawl! RVD gets a kick off the top rope, and the Five Star Frog Splash! Before he can pin, Flair clocks RVD with the belt, and HHH gets the cheap pin. Kane comes in and beats everyone up to sell that match, because oh yeah, Katie Vick.
No one got over. RVD lost, and HHH looks like even more of a paper champion than usual, he needed interference to finish the job after pretty much an 11-on-1 beatdown. Also HHH heat segments suck.
Entry #422 Booker T vs. Big Show
Falls Count Anywhere WWE Monday Night RAW - October 14, 2002
This is a match that took place earlier the same night, and is apparently worse according to the Cagematch ratings. Let's go.
They're at it brawling right away and Show's using his power. Booker tries to take away the knees, but gets tossed outside of the ring. Show gorilla presses Booker into the barricade which is honestly a better class of BOTO than usual. He actually bumps for the first time this match when Booker tosses him into the crowd. They're brawling down the aisles, and it's hard to tell what's happening, but Show gets a two-count. They've now entered backstage in tight alleyways, and Show lamps Booker on the head with a bit of equipment. He bashes Booker into a steel door. In the background we see HHH and Flair with a forklift. Oh, that's how that happened.
Meanwhile in the match, Show misses a big boot and sucks fire extinguisher gas. A weapon shot gives Booker a two-count, as does a scissor kick. They shove their way into the women's locker room and the women's showers, because in 2002 WWE, women only have value when there's implied nudity. Booker kicks Show in the nuts while Trish Stratus watches and screams. Chris Jericho shows up with a chair shot to Booker and orders Show to pin him. The fuck are the Un-Americans doing in the women's locker room?
Yeah, that was dumb. Mindless brawling with an out-of-nowhere finish that just made me feel dirty. Okay, back to the weed matches.
Entry #423 Michael Cole/Jack Swagger vs. Jerry Lawler/Jim Ross
Country Whipping Match WWE Extreme Rules - May 1, 2011
I was looking for what Jake Hager's career low was... oh FUCK no. I was expecting the Hager/Wardlow "MMA" match, not a reminder of one of The Worst. A match that needed to not happen, because this feud needed to not continue past Mania. Now with added Jim Ross-bullying! He's Southern! And Vince doesn't like that! Let's suffer.
Cole's wrapped himself in bubble wrap, which is a waste of perfectly good bubble wrap. He grabs a mic because FUCK OFF. Telling us about how he's covered atrocities in his journalism career (yes, but has he seen Heroes of Wrestling?) and how he's Going To Win The Upcoming Match. JR and Lawler get separate entrances, while the heels didn't.
Swagger/Lawler first, and there's a bit of a feeling-out process before JR gets a cheeky whip in from the outside. Lawler whips Swagger until he tags in Cole. Cole's no-selling because of the bubble wrap. He's smarter than Lawler apparently... but he didn't protect his face, which Lawler punches before tearing off the bubble wrap. Swagger back in now, and he has Lawler in the corner, and Lawler just looks like he's letting it happen. Swagger ties Lawler to the rope, stomps a few times, and whips some. Cole and Swagger tag in and out a few times while bringing the hurt to Lawler. After untying him Swagger goes for a Vader bomb but misses.
Cole tries to sneak a whip but Lawler absorbs it, finally getting his hands on Cole until Swagger takes out the knee. Swagger applies the ankle lock, but breaks it when JR whips at him from behind the ropes. Lawler gets a DDT and gets a hot(?) tag to JR! He's doing an ankle lock of his own! Swagger tags in Cole, who really doesn't want to have to face JR. But JR's in and the crowd is hyped for it. He bashes Cole's face off the turnbuckle, then charges him down. JR gets to whip Cole, and does a strap-assisted ankle lock... Swagger comes in for the save... STRAP SLAP TO THE ALL-AMERICAN TESTICLES! And then just when we think this might end well for once, Cole gets a surprise (and shitty) roll-up for the win.
Mostly a non-wrestler match, and a deflating one on top of that. You'd have needed to do a lot to send the crowd home happy after that. Like for example, announce Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yes, it's that show! Thankfully, this review is compromised to a permanent end.
Entry #424 The 1997 World War 3 Match WCW World War 3 - November 23, 1997
Ugh. Two more of these to go. Okay, who do we have?
Diamond Dallas Page
Ray Traylor
Alex Wright
Disco Inferno
Meng
Villano IV
Villano V
Chris Benoit
Fit Finlay
La Parka
Lord Steven Regal
Rocco Rock
Johnny Grunge
Squire David Taylor
Ultimo Dragon
Norman Smiley
Louie Spicolli
Hector Garza
Lizmark Jr.
The Giant
Chris Adams
Greg Valentine
Yuji Nagata
Chris Jericho
Juventud Guerrera
Wrath
Stevie Ray
Booker T
Rick Steiner
Scott Steiner (who's basically unrecognisable in his transition phase, with a beard but still not Big Poppa Pump)
Jim Duggan
Hugh Morrus
Lex Luger
Ernest "The Cat" Miller
Brad Armstrong
Silver King
Mortis
The Barbarian
Eddie Guerrero
Damian
Prince Iaukea
Barry Darsow
Dean Malenko
John Nord
Kendall Windham
El Dandy
Rey Misterio Jr.
Steve McMichael
Ciclope
The Renegade
Chavo Guerrero Jr.
Super Calo
Glacier
Bobby Blaze
Buff Bagwell (starting with this one, the nWo starts coming out to the nWo music)
Scott Hall
Curt Hennig (hurt from his match with Ric Flair)
Randy Savage
Vincent
The mathematically minded among you may have noticed that that's 59 people. Trust me, I counted myself. And the commentators don't know either. It's meant to be Kevin Nash, but he's not here. He's got a hurt knee, apparently . He always seems to have one.
And we now enter the three-screen hell phase. The Giant starts wrecking the entire cruiserweight division, tossing out guys like Lizmark and Parka left and right, and then the camera focuses on his ring and he stops doing that. That's WCW! The Public Enemy take out Smiley but Grunge hits Rock by mistake and Meng gets to fuck them both up. Meanwhile in ring 1, Scott Hall doubts El Dandy. Bobby Blaze is gone. Two of the rings are now rather sparse. At least they're sometimes focusing on one ring at a time, though they often mislabel the rings when one is in focus.
Silver King, Lex Luger, and the Cat are all getting together to take on Stevie Ray. Like I said before... I love wacky pairings that you only get in battles royal. Greg Valentine and Meng are doing old guy fighting while Booker's side kick eliminates Silver King. There's a "where's Goofy?" sign. No idea. Wrath is no-selling Renegade's shots. Some more of the no-hopers are gone. This is slightly easier to follow when they're not in the triple split-screen part. I'm noticing some people are getting eliminated by going through the ropes, which at least makes this less tedious. It's also NOT HOW BATTLES ROYAL WORK. Giant's struggling with a broken hand but is still doing pretty well.
All nWo members are still safe. They stick to the three-screen setup for now, which means I don't enjoy it one bit. Finlay's gone, sadly. DDP and Benoit are both on the apron but are safe. But then Benoit is gone. James Vandenberg is giving a bit of assistance ot Mortis. Ring 3 is almost entirely cleared out, with a final four including a Giant who's suffering pretty badly. Cat's gone. Rey has apparently eliminated Eddie from... ring SIX?? How big is this match?? Mysterio's hanging on to the apron, in a full-on Kofi save before there was Kofi. Naturally, the camera CUTS AWAY. Giant tosses both Alex Wright and Mortis, so it's just him and Meng in ring 3. Giant does his open-hand slaps (with his good hand) and then hits an I-swear-to-fuck DROPKICK to send him out. Naturally, this cool spot is squeezed into the tiny screen. WCW!
Everyone now has to converge in one ring, and the nWo is like "no, you come to us", even going as far as to toss the ref in their own ring. It's a standoff until the WCW stars arrive and start the slugfest. Naturally, the first nWo man gone is Vincent. Booker T and Rick Steiner both out, and all of the nWo pile on to eliminate Luger, so Giant can get Bagwell and Hennig both. DDP and Savage are the centrepiece of this final four, and Savage is about to hit his elbow, but the Giant stands in his way and catches Savage. A Diamond Cutter should eliminate Savage, but Giant makes DDP wait so he can get a chokeslam in too!
Hall's afraid to approach Giant and DDP, heads to another ring... and then out comes the 60th man, finally! How can you get away with that? Commentary are expecting Kevin Nash... but it's Hollywood Hogan?? He's World Champ already, he just wants to get a day off. Crowd really intensely wants Sting. Hogan slams the Giant, presumably breaking all the bones in his own body and causing the Giant to die on the spot. Hogan crotches DDP on the ropes... but Sting rappels down! And he's grown a foot taller! Hogan flees and eliminates himself, and "Sting" hits the Giant. Because of course, it's Kevin Nash in a mask. Hall wins and YET ANOTHER nWo screwjob and wankfest ends this show as fans start to think about how much potential this Austin/Rock feud on the other channel has.
Certain people have said the 1995 WW3 is the worst one. Nope, it's 1997. Ignores the (admittedly) stupid rules it already set for the sake of another fuck finish.
