Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Storm Trooper]

Speaking of regime change. I imagine that angle match would be completely different.

Figure they're have Angle best Corbin on Raw leading to Mania then do the Cena match at mania (assuming Cena was available to wrestle and not tied to a movie project).

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #471
Kai En Tai vs. The Oddities
Handicap Match
WWF SummerSlam - August 30, 1998​

Hear that? That's the sound of an approaching Summerfest! The biggest party of the summer is less than a week away, so why not look at some of the lows in SummerSlam history? There's nothing like a bad start, and this is certainly looking like one, as it's an awful match on a good show. Minus 2 stars from Dave as three circus freaks take on four Japanese stereotypes.

We don't get to see the Oddities' entrance on the Network (even though ICP would probably be cool with it), but we do get to see TAKA trying to raise the roof for the Kai En Tai entrance. After a bit of stalling, we start with Golga against TAKA (Light Heavyweight champ at the time, for all that means. He tries turnbuckle bashes against Golga, but clearly John Tenta's learned the Samoan head resistance in his time away, so he headbutts the buckle and then all the heels. He then steals Yamaguchi's shoe, acts like it stinks, and pours water into it, before splashing the water on an angry Yamaguchi. This is the level of comedy we're on. We've entered the comedy area.

Kurrgan gets on his knees so he can be on Funaki's level, then he does the dumb Japanese bow. They try to lock up but their heights are too different. Funaki tries to whip Kurrgan but he's just too big, then he tries to Thesz press a larger man and eats a side slam. All the while Lawler's talking about "baby-stealing gypsies". Togo and TAKA come in to hold Kurrgan down but he tosses them off, then poor MEN's Teioh takes the world's tallest back body drop. Kai En Tai and Kurrgan have a tug of war over Yamaguchi, and Kurrgan's the only one on his feet at the end, so you're clearly supposed to take these heels seriously.

Teioh wants Giant Silva, but as soon as he comes in they roll out. TAKA tags into Togo to avoid having to face him. "We never advertised this to be a classic" -JR, understating. The heels all try to get on Silva but he clears them off. He stacks them all in the corner for open hand chops and a bum bump. Everyone gets tossed into the same corner, except TAKA who gets gorilla pressed out. Golga and Togo now, and Togo's getting tossed around. Teioh and Funaki come in for a double dropkick and between them manage to slam him. Kai En Tai take turns to do moves off the top rope, and Funaki teams up with Togo to trip him. All four get together to help TAKA baseball slide Golga in the face, then they whip him together but he clotheslines them all.

"Hot" tag to Kurrgan, who gives punches and big boots before hitting Funaki with a sidewalk slam. All four swarm Kurrgan but Giant Silva makes a save. Yamaguchi's about to use the other shoe, but Luna comes in and slams him. Six-man chokeslam ensues, and then Golga makes the pin for three. On all four men. Despite not being the legal man.

A ten minute "comedy" squash with four guys I want to see losing to three guys I don't. This one stood no chance.

 

[Rosie]

Kurrgan, not a good in ring worker. However:

Robert Maillet one of the nicest men, and one of the few people from my hometown to make it to WWE. And the fact he's got a nice acting catalogue too, great for him.

 

[Samoa Looch]

Kurrgan, not a good in ring worker.

True... but he was still leagues better than Khali, Silva or Gonzales. At least in my opinion.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #471
Kai En Tai vs. The Oddities
Handicap Match
WWF SummerSlam - August 30, 1998​

Hear that? That's the sound of an approaching Summerfest! The biggest party of the summer is less than a week away, so why not look at some of the lows in SummerSlam history? There's nothing like a bad start, and this is certainly looking like one, as it's an awful match on a good show. Minus 2 stars from Dave as three circus freaks take on four Japanese stereotypes.

We don't get to see the Oddities' entrance on the Network (even though ICP would probably be cool with it), but we do get to see TAKA trying to raise the roof for the Kai En Tai entrance. After a bit of stalling, we start with Golga against TAKA (Light Heavyweight champ at the time, for all that means. He tries turnbuckle bashes against Golga, but clearly John Tenta's learned the Samoan head resistance in his time away, so he headbutts the buckle and then all the heels. He then steals Yamaguchi's shoe, acts like it stinks, and pours water into it, before splashing the water on an angry Yamaguchi. This is the level of comedy we're on. We've entered the comedy area.

Kurrgan gets on his knees so he can be on Funaki's level, then he does the dumb Japanese bow. They try to lock up but their heights are too different. Funaki tries to whip Kurrgan but he's just too big, then he tries to Thesz press a larger man and eats a side slam. All the while Lawler's talking about "baby-stealing gypsies". Togo and TAKA come in to hold Kurrgan down but he tosses them off, then poor MEN's Teioh takes the world's tallest back body drop. Kai En Tai and Kurrgan have a tug of war over Yamaguchi, and Kurrgan's the only one on his feet at the end, so you're clearly supposed to take these heels seriously.

Teioh wants Giant Silva, but as soon as he comes in they roll out. TAKA tags into Togo to avoid having to face him. "We never advertised this to be a classic" -JR, understating. The heels all try to get on Silva but he clears them off. He stacks them all in the corner for open hand chops and a bum bump. Everyone gets tossed into the same corner, except TAKA who gets gorilla pressed out. Golga and Togo now, and Togo's getting tossed around. Teioh and Funaki come in for a double dropkick and between them manage to slam him. Kai En Tai take turns to do moves off the top rope, and Funaki teams up with Togo to trip him. All four get together to help TAKA baseball slide Golga in the face, then they whip him together but he clotheslines them all.

"Hot" tag to Kurrgan, who gives punches and big boots before hitting Funaki with a sidewalk slam. All four swarm Kurrgan but Giant Silva makes a save. Yamaguchi's about to use the other shoe, but Luna comes in and slams him. Six-man chokeslam ensues, and then Golga makes the pin for three. On all four men. Despite not being the legal man.

A ten minute "comedy" squash with four guys I want to see losing to three guys I don't. This one stood no chance.

Oddities were over AF. Not even an ICP fan but the group was fun.

Watching this live was great fun.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #472
Ivory (c) vs. Tori
for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF SummerSlam - August 22, 1999​

Yet another entry in "The state of women's wrestling before the 2010s". Just like SummerSlam '98, this is a good show with one bad match. Even the Tag Team Turmoil, a stip which is usually less hit-or-miss and more miss-or-miss-harder, went fine. Even the first ever Kiss My Ass match (which ended with neither Billy Gunn's nor the Rock's asses being kissed) went fine. So why is this the minus-2-star blemish on the show? Well, isn't it obvious? Look who's challenging for the belt!

Ivory doesn't smile, because she's a heel! She's also a slut-shamer, but only people watching Heat will notice that. We rush right into an exchange of fists, before Tori uses a slam and loses her footing. We go to the outside and Ivory gives Tori a faceful of ring post. She hits a back elbow for a one-count. Tori comes back with kicks and snap suplexes, ending in a dropkick for two. Ivory hits a hair-pull bulldog which Tori doesn't sell properly. Fans don't care, just shouting "take it off". Because to 90s WWF audiences, women are useful only for nudity. Ivory hits a big swing... powerbomb? for two.

Tori uses an "Edge-like Spear" which I'm pretty sure JR only calls because like Edge's spear, it has zero impact. Tori-Plex (great move, wasted on her) and a crossbody gets another two-count. Tori goes for a sunset flip but Ivory rolls off. She then goes for another but Ivory sits on her, getting the pin. Or, at least that's what's supposed to happen. What really happens is Tori drags Ivory down too hard, she falls ass-first on Tori's chest, bounces off, then gets on top of Tori again for the pin. Post-match Ivory tries to tear Tori's clothes off before Luna makes the save.

Got no reaction and the finish was blown. That's women's wrestling in 1999. And you know what's the scariest part? Tori and Ivory were both trained wrestlers for about 20 years between them! Ivory was in GLOW, for fuck's sake. And yet, they produced this.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

That whole late-90s women's division is truly shambolic and it barely got much better in the 2000s, at the very least there were some great workers like Molly Holly and Victoria there to shore things up.

 

[Chris]

I tried to search and I don't believe you've reviewed Undertaker vs Undertaker from SummerSlam '94 so that should be on your SummerSlam list. You can watch Bret vs Owen from that show too to help cope

 

[Leon TrotSky]

I tried to search and I don't believe you've reviewed Undertaker vs Undertaker from SummerSlam '94 so that should be on your SummerSlam list. You can watch Bret vs Owen from that show too to help cope

nope that's definitely on there

Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

Just when you think we're done with Hogan vs Piper

wrestlingsmarks.com

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

What about Brock/Orton from like 2016?

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #471
Kai En Tai vs. The Oddities
Handicap Match
WWF SummerSlam - August 30, 1998​

Hear that? That's the sound of an approaching Summerfest! The biggest party of the summer is less than a week away, so why not look at some of the lows in SummerSlam history? There's nothing like a bad start, and this is certainly looking like one, as it's an awful match on a good show. Minus 2 stars from Dave as three circus freaks take on four Japanese stereotypes.

We don't get to see the Oddities' entrance on the Network (even though ICP would probably be cool with it), but we do get to see TAKA trying to raise the roof for the Kai En Tai entrance. After a bit of stalling, we start with Golga against TAKA (Light Heavyweight champ at the time, for all that means. He tries turnbuckle bashes against Golga, but clearly John Tenta's learned the Samoan head resistance in his time away, so he headbutts the buckle and then all the heels. He then steals Yamaguchi's shoe, acts like it stinks, and pours water into it, before splashing the water on an angry Yamaguchi. This is the level of comedy we're on. We've entered the comedy area.

Kurrgan gets on his knees so he can be on Funaki's level, then he does the dumb Japanese bow. They try to lock up but their heights are too different. Funaki tries to whip Kurrgan but he's just too big, then he tries to Thesz press a larger man and eats a side slam. All the while Lawler's talking about "baby-stealing gypsies". Togo and TAKA come in to hold Kurrgan down but he tosses them off, then poor MEN's Teioh takes the world's tallest back body drop. Kai En Tai and Kurrgan have a tug of war over Yamaguchi, and Kurrgan's the only one on his feet at the end, so you're clearly supposed to take these heels seriously.

Teioh wants Giant Silva, but as soon as he comes in they roll out. TAKA tags into Togo to avoid having to face him. "We never advertised this to be a classic" -JR, understating. The heels all try to get on Silva but he clears them off. He stacks them all in the corner for open hand chops and a bum bump. Everyone gets tossed into the same corner, except TAKA who gets gorilla pressed out. Golga and Togo now, and Togo's getting tossed around. Teioh and Funaki come in for a double dropkick and between them manage to slam him. Kai En Tai take turns to do moves off the top rope, and Funaki teams up with Togo to trip him. All four get together to help TAKA baseball slide Golga in the face, then they whip him together but he clotheslines them all.

"Hot" tag to Kurrgan, who gives punches and big boots before hitting Funaki with a sidewalk slam. All four swarm Kurrgan but Giant Silva makes a save. Yamaguchi's about to use the other shoe, but Luna comes in and slams him. Six-man chokeslam ensues, and then Golga makes the pin for three. On all four men. Despite not being the legal man.

A ten minute "comedy" squash with four guys I want to see losing to three guys I don't. This one stood no chance.

Hey, WWE, want to know why Kazuchika Okada signed with AEW over you? Maybe it's because of your shitty history with Japanese wrestlers. First you use non-Japanese wrestlers and book them as evil Japanese heels (Orient Express, Yokozuna) because what kid growing up in the late 80's/early 90's doesn't remember World War II. Then after Taka Michinoku had a decent run, though you didn't have any other light heavyweights to book him against, you turn him, and the rest of Kaientai into complete jokes. Tajiri could have been a solid midcarder with an I-C or US title run, but you kept him as a cruiserweight and again ran out of competition for him. Then you circle back around to non-Japanese wrestlers as evil Japanese heels in the form of Tensai (seriously what were you thinking with that one). Then you manage to sign two of the greatest Japanese wrestlers of their generation in Asuka and Nakamura. They both had great NXT runs and started off great on the main roster both winning their respective Royal Rumbles in 2018, but then you had them both lose at WrestleMania. You eventually righted the ship with Asuka but she could have been a bigger star. Nakamura on the other hand you totally dropped the ball with fucked up that one. You've done alright with Iyo Sky, but then there's Akira Tozawa. So, you can't really blame Okada for signing with AEW. [End of rant]

Regarding the Oddities, I kinda have to agree with Storm Trooper about the group being fun, despite me not liking ICP. Obviously they were never going anywhere. If WWE couldn't make Kurrgan a star as a heel they were never going to do it as a babyface. I'd like to think that John Tenta was having more fun as one of the Oddities than he did in WCW.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #472
Ivory (c) vs. Tori
for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF SummerSlam - August 22, 1999​

Yet another entry in "The state of women's wrestling before the 2010s". Just like SummerSlam '98, this is a good show with one bad match. Even the Tag Team Turmoil, a stip which is usually less hit-or-miss and more miss-or-miss-harder, went fine. Even the first ever Kiss My Ass match (which ended with neither Billy Gunn's nor the Rock's asses being kissed) went fine. So why is this the minus-2-star blemish on the show? Well, isn't it obvious? Look who's challenging for the belt!

Ivory doesn't smile, because she's a heel! She's also a slut-shamer, but only people watching Heat will notice that. We rush right into an exchange of fists, before Tori uses a slam and loses her footing. We go to the outside and Ivory gives Tori a faceful of ring post. She hits a back elbow for a one-count. Tori comes back with kicks and snap suplexes, ending in a dropkick for two. Ivory hits a hair-pull bulldog which Tori doesn't sell properly. Fans don't care, just shouting "take it off". Because to 90s WWF audiences, women are useful only for nudity. Ivory hits a big swing... powerbomb? for two.

Tori uses an "Edge-like Spear" which I'm pretty sure JR only calls because like Edge's spear, it has zero impact. Tori-Plex (great move, wasted on her) and a crossbody gets another two-count. Tori goes for a sunset flip but Ivory rolls off. She then goes for another but Ivory sits on her, getting the pin. Or, at least that's what's supposed to happen. What really happens is Tori drags Ivory down too hard, she falls ass-first on Tori's chest, bounces off, then gets on top of Tori again for the pin. Post-match Ivory tries to tear Tori's clothes off before Luna makes the save.

Got no reaction and the finish was blown. That's women's wrestling in 1999. And you know what's the scariest part? Tori and Ivory were both trained wrestlers for about 20 years between them! Ivory was in GLOW, for fuck's sake. And yet, they produced this.

WWF in 1998: "Let's bring back the Women's Championship so we can give Sable a belt."
WWF in 1999: "What do we do with the Women's Championship now"

 

[Skyefire]

So, regarding the Brawl 4 All, I decided to create my own worked bracket for the tournament using all of the original competitors and the original first round matchups.

First Round:
Mero def Blackman
Bradshaw def Canterbury
Brakkus def Vega
Droz def Hawk
Holly def Gunn
Williams def Pierre
Severn def Godfather
Scorpio def 8 Ball

Round 2
Bradshaw def Mero
Brakkus def Droz
Williams def Holly
Severn def Scorpio

Semis
Bradshaw def Brakkus
Williams def Severn

Finals
Williams def Bradshaw

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #473
Dusty Rhodes vs. The Honky Tonk Man
WWF SummerSlam - August 28, 1989​

After a quick (long) TEW-enforced hiatus, we get to SummerSlam 1989 and its SIX GODFORSAKEN BAD MATCHES. To be fair, one of these got two and a half stars from Dave, but looking at the lineup I haven't the faintest idea why. We're starting for once with the worst one, the one that got minus two stars. It's Honky Donky vs. Polka Dot Virgil. How could that possibly go well?

Bell rings and Honky's stalling on the outside. They start... with a dance-off! I'm sure this was incredibly over with the crowd, but I'm watching on a screen 35 years later and half the people on my screen are dead. Honky gets back body dropped and rolls out to dodge the Bionic Elbow. Back in the ring, Dusty gets a wristlock and does the worst thing you can do to Honky: mess up his hair! Atomic drop! I wish Dusty had had the IC title match against Rick Rude, if only to see that sublime atomic drop sell Rude does. Apparently they had a match on a SNME? I should watch that. Bionic Elbow and mounted punches from Dusty. He works the leg but Honky gets up off an eye rake.

Honky gets Dusty in a headlock and punches, until Dusty blocks and returns the favour. Dusty runs the ropes into Jimmy Hart's face, and it's time for the face to challenge the heel's manager. Ref distraction allows Honky to blast Dusty in the gut with Hart's megaphone for the two. We enter the heel heat segment, which starts with punches and a Jimmy Hart choke, and continues with a minute-long chinlock. At least Dusty swings his hips during it. Dusty gets his momentum cut off, and then another full minute of chinlock. Dusty slams Honky and then misses an elbow drop, taking a two-count. ANOTHER chinlock?? This heat has dragged like hell.

Dusty goes to the corner, and now Honky goes for punches... Dusty's no selling! He's Dustying up! Punches, but Dusty misses a corner charge and Honky shoves him to bump the ref! Hart comes up with the guitar, while Honky's holding Dusty back... but you know how this spot goes! It's an ungimmicked guitar, by the way. Doesn't explode properly like Jarrett's ones do. Sad. Anyway, Honky's laid out and Dusty gets the pin and win. Honky's selling a concussion, acting like he knows where he is, which is a lot nastier with 35 years and myriad wrestler deaths behind us.

Pure character work. I can see why Dave hated this, but I'm mostly okay with it. My only problem was that the heat segment went too long.

 

[Chris]

Dave hates it more for the disrespect for dusty I think, he won't admit it, but you can't block that from your mind in the moment and it's pretty evident in his writing from the time