Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #474
Mr. Perfect vs. The Red Rooster
WWF SummerSlam - August 28, 1989​

People say polka dot era Dusty was disrespectful. I mean, I get that, but he got to be incredibly over in the short time he was around. Meanwhile, poor Terry Taylor was a joke. He's being jobbed out on PPV to the next big Hogan opponent (or, what would have been the next big Hogan opponent if Hogan hadn't politicked himself into winning the 1990 Rumble).

Shockingly, it's the heel Perfect getting the jobber entrance. Rooster's bucking his head constantly, and it annoys Perfect as much as it annoys me. Perfect hits armdrags and hip tosses like it's totally natural. He's also mocking the Rooster's mannerisms until he gets slapped. Side headlock, OVW Rope-Running Thing... Rooster tries to slam Perfect, but he falls back and messes up his leg. Perfect has to improvise with a dropkick that sends Rooster to the outside. They brawl a bit, and Hennig is sent to the outside, where they punch some more. A quick Perfect-Plex ends the match, Hennig clearly annoyed with how that went.

A legit injury curtailing a match, you hate to see it.

 

[Sky]

Entry #475
Andre the Giant/Big Boss Man/Akeem vs. King Duggan/Ax/Smash
WWF SummerSlam - August 28, 1989​

After two good matches (Rockers/Tito Santana vs. Rougeaus/Rick Martel and Rude vs. Warrior) we get this disaster waiting to happen. Old man Andre AND Duggan AND Akeem? Sign me up for crap!

Thankfully we get to hear Jive Soul Bro (best manager-specific theme don't even @ me) as the heels come out. Duggan not only has the king gimmick, but a Demolition gimp mask. He's also got a royal 2x4, which is pretty fun actually. And he's got American flag makeup. After a lot of stalling to let the faces take off their entrance gear, we're starting off with Duggan vs. Akeem, and Duggan comes out like the house on fire. Ax comes in and does his forearm clubs on a locked arm, and then Demolition come in to forearm club together. They keep tagging in and out until Akeem rakes Ax's eyes, and now it's the heels' turn to take turns. Unfortunately for Boss Man, they're taking turns to get beaten up.

Boss Man takes control for a bit with cornered punches until he starts missing. "USA" chants for a match between teams that have, in kayfabe, equal numbers of Americans. Is the only hold that these men know how to do a wristlock? It's been wristlock city so far. Boss Man brawls out of a front facelock by Ax and goes for a BOOT CHOKE. In comes Andre with a big sit, closely followed by the DEADLY DOUBLE NERVE PINCHES. And more boot and rope choking! While Ax is getting worked Duggan is just playing to the crowd. Akeem misses a corner charge and Smash gets the hot tag. Smash slams the Twin Towers but gets wiped out by Andre.

Boss Man elbow drop gets two. Akeem and Ax are brawling on the outside. Duggan comes in to get headbutted by Andre. Boss Man eats the ring post. This is too chaotic to commentate. Finish sees Akeem do a second rope splash but Duggan use the royal 2x4 while the ref is taking care of Andre.

Exactly what I'd expected. No wrestling included.

 

[Sky]

Entry #476
Greg "The Hammer" Valentine vs. Hercules
WWF SummerSlam - August 28, 1989​

I'm already ready to sleep just seeing that matchup. Let's see how it goes.

Ronnie Garvin is the ring announcer, and he's taking cheap verbal shots at Valentine constantly. It's actually pretty funny. They're about to go to blows, which lets Hercules get some shots in, including a back elbow for two. After Hercules slams Valentine, he winds up for a... cover? Huh? Valentine remains distracted by Garvin and lets Hercules roll him up. Then Hercules smashes Garvin on the ring announcer's desk. Back in the ring, the Hammer is in control. He reverses the shin guard to set up the Figure Four but Hercules counters. Valentine goes up top but Hercules gets a shot to the midsection. Hercules reverses a vertical suplex into one of his own. Valentine gets a pin with the feet on the ropes. Ref declares Valentine the winner but Garvin claims Hercules wins by DQ. Valentine punches out Garvin and the two competitors brawl a bit until Garvin joins in.

Got to feel for Hercules. Third wheel in his own match. Anyway... meh.

 

[Sky]

Entry #477
Ted DiBiase vs. Jimmy Snuka
WWF SummerSlam - August 28, 1989​

Cooldown match before the main event, and I think I can predict the result here. Snuka was a fading star even not considering the murder stuff. There's no one to root for here in hindsight. A murderer and a capitalist. Let's go.

DiBiase misses a corner charge and Snuka comes in with strikes and a headbutt to send him out. Virgil wants no part of this. To be fair, neither do I. Snuka challenges Virgil on the apron and DiBiase hits Virgil by mistake. Snuka hits an atomic drop that sends DiBiase flying ALL the fuck away. He rests outside the ring for a bit and does a headlock. OVW Running Thing ends up botched and DiBiase runs face first into Snuka's arse. Ventura keeps calling Snuka an animal, which really isn't subtle. Also, I haven't commented on the fact that the commentary team for tonight is Jesse Ventura and Tony Schiavone. That just feels like a WCW team, which is why it's weird that it was in WWF first.

DiBiase gets an edge by getting the boot up and he starts clubbing and chopping Snuka. Snuka gets a back body drop though. DiBiase begs for mercy but then goes low. OVW Running Thing but DiBiase flapjacks Snuka into the ropes. DiBiase vertical suplex for two, then a backbreaker for the same. He tries a back elbow off the top but Snuka rolls away. Snuka gets some momentum, slams DiBiase, and hits a diving headbutt. Superfly Splash teased, but Virgil distracts Snuka. So Snuka chases him off, eats a beating from DiBiase, and gets counted out. Ventura does the call-him-an-animal thing again. Virgil takes the Superfly Splash in the end.

Yawn. Okay, main event time.

 

[Sky]

Entry #478
Hulk Hogan/Brutus Beefcake vs. Randy Savage/Zeus
WWF SummerSlam - August 28, 1989​

What's that smell? Dookie! It's time for one of two matches that was done to tie in with No Holds Barred, that crappy piece of cinema starring Hogan. Facing off against Zeus, the evil wrestler character from the movie! In real life! Well, kayfabe-real life but still. Zeus had five career matches. By the end of this, two will be in this thread, and two of the other three are on my radar (there's one at Survivor Series '89 that will be spared, because Zeus was barely in it). It's past midnight and I haven't got it in me so this review will be a little more phoned-in than usual.

Pre-match, the Genius recites a poem in which he basically rates Savage and Zeus. Heels are out together but faces enter separately. Maybe Genius was right. Ventura wonders where Miss Elizabeth is, but Hogan tells Finkel to let Liz have her own entrance. Big brawl to start, Zeus is no-selling. Hogan is destroyed by just trying to slam Zeus. He brain claws Hogan and gives a bearhug to Beefcake. Hogan's moves can do nothing. Am I just supposed to interpret that thsi non-wrestler actor playing a wrestling character is just better than Hogan? Savage comes in with a double axe handle off the second rope, beats up Hogan, and hits another.

Savage puts on a chinlock which gets the arm-drop routine. Why not keep using Zeus? If Zeus had done it Hogan would be out like a light. Hogan survives with shoulderblocks but Zeus gets a cheeky shot from outside. Zeus slaps on the bearhug again and Hogan struggles as Zeus lightly embraces him. There's so much space in that bearhug. It eventually ends up in a pin but Hogan keeps getting the shoulder up. Zeus makes a tactical blunder by going to the corner and tagging in Savage, which makes the match winnable for Hogan. Savage's movement is so good, and his heeling spitting at Beefcake. He goes for a body guillotine but misses, has some elbows dodged...

Hot tag to Beefcake, who hits the high knee for two. Sleeper's locked in. Savage manages to escape by charging the turnbuckle and sending Beefcake's face into it. Beefcake finally makes Zeus sell something by using an eye rake, then puts the sleeper on. Ref distraction lets Savage hit Beefcake with Sherri's loaded purse. Hogan breaks up Savage's pin a couple of times and Hogan chases Savage, who tries to grab Liz. This whole circus lasts long enough for Beefcake to kick out. Zeus pulls out his deadly ROPE CHOKE. And a grounded choke too. Then he does a horrible two-handed chokeslam into the corner. Zero impact there. Ventura calls a Snake Eyes as a clothesline.

In comes Savage, and immediately Beefcake recovers enough for a double clothesline and double down. Hot tag to Hogan who's Hulking up on Savage. He gets a sucker punch on Zeus before the big boot, and Savage rolls out. Suplex back in, but Sherri pulls Hogan's legs so Savage is on top for two. Savage has control, hits the flying elbow, but Hogan gets back up! As in 1989, so in 1995. Hogan's atomic drop clears off Savage, and now Zeus is the legal man. Now Zeus is being staggered by punches and a clothesline. Sherri tries to interfere but Liz trips her. Beefcake stops Savage using the purse off the top rope and Hogan knocks out Zeus with the purse. Slam, leg drop, done. Atomic drop to Sherri by Hogan so Liz can hit a purse shot. Beefcake shortens Sherri's hair. Babyfaces!

Basic Hogan main event, though I really couldn't believe the central conceit of this match. If Zeus is so invincible, why isn't he a full-time wrestler? How can Hogan do nothing to Zeus with eye rakes, but Beefcake can? Why didn't they just never tag in Savage if Zeus is invulnerable to everything? At least it's over.

 

[Chris]

RIP Zeus

 

[Sky]

Entry #479
WWE Women's Championship #1 Contender's Battle Royal
WWE SummerSlam - August 26, 2007​

Our next stop on the SummerSlam pain train is 2007! The main reason we're visiting this one is for the first of several turds dropped by a certain very tall Indian man, but while we're here, let's check out this minus-1-star match. An all-Diva battle royal, to decide the next contender to Miss Pudding Swimming Pool herself, Candice Michelle. Also it's the Divas era so you can go out through the ropes. Our participants, in no particular order:

• Maria Kanellis
• Beth Phoenix
• Melina
• Jillian Hall
• Mickie James
• Torrie Wilson
• Victoria
• Kristal Marshall
• Michelle McCool
• Kelly Kelly
• Layla El
• Brooke Adams

I'm going to say it: ECW is overrepresented here. Did you really need all of Extreme Expose? Anyway, it's a battle royal. By the nature of the thing, it's just a bunch of catfights happening at once. Mickie does a really high-angle boot choke to Beth. Brooke stretches Maria across the ropes. Lawler's just being shamelessly horny. Beth dumps Brooke, who doesn't protect her head for fear of her top falling off. Maria goes for a headscissors but Jillian tosses her over. Layla is dumped off-camera. Torrie and Kelly try to remove Beth Phoenix but she downs them with her elbow. Kristal eliminates Victoria and you hear one guy saying "NO! NO!" as if he's just watched the Shield break up. Same, honestly. Victoria's cool. Mickie and Michelle get revenge by taking out Kristal.

Everyone teams up to toss Kelly. "She looks like my fourth wife" -Lawler. Apparently Jim Duggan is in the crowd, given how often we hear "HOOOO". Mickie headscissors Jillian, but she botches and doesn't go over, so Torrie has to make a quick save. That's the veteran instinct. Melina shoves Mickie out to create the final four. She then hits a screaming Thesz press on Torrie, but Michelle tosses her out. Torrie and Michelle now have to take on Beth 2-on-1, but she tosses Torrie out. It isn't long before Michelle is gone too. MVP doesn't even bother to wait for the women to leave before he comes out to cut a promo.

That's women's wrestling in 2007! So, so sloppy. I'm starting to think that the through-the-ropes thing wasn't disrespectful, most of the women at the time really couldn't send anyone over the top.

 

[Sky]

Entry #480
The Great Khali (c) vs. Batista
for the World Heavyweight Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 26, 2007​

If you had to show why WWE was losing viewers in the mid-2000s in one match-up, this would probably be it. The Great Khali, with the Big Gold, just because he was big even though he sucked at everything. And Batista isn't a carrier. Let's see what the damage is.

Champ out first, because they know Khali really isn't a star. Khali dominates early by slow punches and slower kicks in the corner. Batista tries to fight out but no chance. Khali hits a clothesline and commentary tries to sell it as the most amazing thing they've ever seen. Batista's left on the outside, and even after a bit of a rest, Khali's no-selling and gets a brain chop for two. Khali smashes Batista's shoulder into the ring post, and then the deadly DOUBLE NERVE PINCH! Late 80s Andre for a new generation. A rope break, Khali takes Batista down with a forearm, then back to the nerve pinch! "You can't wrestle" chants. Yep. Arm drop routine, and Batista saves himself with a kneeling stunner, but Khali downs him again for two with a boot on the chest. "Boring" chants.

Batista blocks the brain vise and hits a spinebuster. Batista Bomb teased but Khali chops him off. Batista goes up top but just jumps into Khali's double-handed chokeslam for two. Ranjin Singh on the outside slides in a chair and Khali uses it in full view of the ref for the DQ. The feud continues, and the worst World Title reign continues. Batista gets a spear and chairs Khali for a bit.

So. Fucking. Boring.

 

[Sky]

Entry #481
Triple H (c) vs. The Great Khali
for the WWE Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 17, 2008​

The curse of Khali having the worst match on SummerSlam continues as he's facing Triple H for the WWE Title! Put it this way: if big match HHH is faster and more youthful than you, you're in serious trouble.

HHH with the spinner still feels wrong. Khali uses power but HHH does some undersold punches. He tries the Pedigree early but Khali fights out. Khali hits the double-handed chokeslam, and then puts on the brain vise. "You can't wrestle" chants pay a visit early. HHH takes out the knee and forces Khali to roll out. When HHH tries to follow Khali floors him with a brain chop. Khali whips him into the barricade. Back in the ring, HHH is doing his best to sell as Khali throws arms about. The deadly NERVE PINCH comes, as if I and the crowd didn't hate this enough. Khali hits his most athletic move: a leg drop for two. Back to nerve pinching, and the fans are clear that Khali can't wrestle.

HHH hits a kneeling facebuster, and Khali is in the Andre spot where he's tangled in the ropes. He gets a boot up though. Pedigree teased again but Khali back body drops HHH out. HHH grabs Khali's leg from the outside and introduces his knee to the ring post. Khali does manage to regain control with one chop, and after struggling to get back into the ring, it's brain vise time! Eventually (after what feels like too long) HHH fights up, breifly breaks the claw, and attacks the knee. Khali's stuck in the corner and finally HHH can get the Pedrigree and the three. Crowd goes wild at the fact that it's over.

HHH tried his best, that's all I'll say.

 

[Sky]

Entry #482
Kane vs. The Great Khali
WWE SummerSlam - August 23, 2009​

Concluding this trilogy of anti-wrestling we have Kane vs. Khali! How often did this match happen on PPV? Too often. Too often is how often. It's never been good. This got minus 1 Dave star.

Both men exchange periods of punching. Kane tries to whip Khali but Khali holds himself down and tosses Kane to the floor. Kane does the neck-on-the-rope thing but Khali doesn't sell. Khali misses a leg drop and takes a kick for two. Now Kane's dropping some elbows. Chokeslam and Khali's double-handed chokeslam both teased, then Khali gets an elbow for a two-count. Khali's ground-and-pound is absolutely horrid. Kane's cornered but manages to get out and hit a TOP ROPE THROAT THRUST. An actual high spot in a match with Kane and Khali? Incredible stuff.

Of course, as soon as I say that, Kane puts on a chinlock. It's a long chinlock. JR wonders if Khali could quit and the ref wouldn't stop the match because he wouldn't understand. This is why I love JR. Khali fights up and hits some of his favourite strikes, ending in a chop for two. Brain vise, which goes to the ropes. Kane drags Ranjin Singh in and holds him back like a human shield. When Khali protects his kayfabe little brother, Kane kicks out his leg and wins with a jumping DDT.

Is this wrestling? This doesn't feel like wrestling.

 

[Sky]

Entry #483
Mark Henry (c) vs. Matt Hardy
for the ECW World Heavyweight Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 17, 2008​

Was watching a "worst matches of 2008" video that included this match but not HHH/Khali. So why not, right?

"Matt Hardy has never won a major heavyweight title" -since when did WWE think of the WWECW title as major? Mark Henry's in his Tony Atlas era, in that he can't wrestle and doesn't. Also, he's being managed by the man himself. After a bit of a brawl, Matt rips out a Twist of Fate right away. Looks like a win, but Atlas drags Matt out of the ring for a DQ. This is the time that the GM would come out and restart the match as Extreme Rules, right? No! That would require WWE to make sense! Instead, Matt gets beaten down by a hopeless geriatric until Jeff Hardy shows up to make the save, give Atlas a Swanton from the apron to the floor(???) and suplex Henry. Hardy Boyz reunion, but Henry's still champion.

What was the point of that?

 

[Sky]

Entry #484
Alexa Bliss vs. Eva Marie
WWE SummerSlam - August 21, 2021​

Time to look at SummerSlam 2021. Only one match got the dreaded Dave DUD, but there's two more worth looking at here. This is the zero-star classic. Featuring Spooky Little Girl Alexa Bliss, for whom I had some rare praise early in this thread regarding her intergender match with Orton. In the interim, she's discovered a marketable little doll called Lilly, who scares Shayna Baszler shitless for some weird reason. Also she has magic powers to make people slap their sommeliers or something? I don't know, pandemic era WWE was weird.

Oh yeah, I forgot about her opponent! This is Eva Marie's worst era, and that's saying something, where she's derailing Piper Niven's (sorry, Doudrop's) career as well as her own and her opponent's. "Eva Marie is worse than an airport tuna sandwich" says a sign in the crowd. Alexa mouths along to her own audio clips. We get a compilation of the doll moving on its own and making faces. The weird thing about lady Fiend at this stage is that she's in regular ass Alexa Bliss gear from 2018 or so now. Which is certainly a clash of styles.

Alexa makes Eva run at nothing and then skips around the ring. She outclasses Eva immediately, with there being no illusion of this being even. Dueling chants of "We want Wyatt" and "We want Doudrop". Relatable. Eva gets a cheap shot and brings the sub-Diva offence. She goes to challenge the doll, slapping it around. Graves lauds Eva for her bravery. She then slaps Alexa with the doll, which causes her to go berserker mode and employ a Thesz press I think she learned from Mickie James. Standing senton bomb for two.

Alexa returns the doll to its place while Doudrop offers comforting words to Eva. She then immediately gets tripped into the corner. Twisted Bliss misses and Alexa screws her knee, but Eva can't get the three. A single DDT finishes it. Post-match Alexa leaves with the doll before Doudrop grabs a mic and announces Eva as the loser. I'll be honest, that's a pretty nice finish to that storyline. Doudrop leaves in the shiny pink jacket.

Absolutely nothing to talk about in ring. I seem to remember the doll winking in this one, but it didn't. That must have been in another match.

 

[Sky]

Entry #485
Bianca Belair (c) vs. Becky Lynch
for the WWE SmackDown Women's Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 21, 2021​

Second match of interest is this one, which didn't get a star rating but was HORRIBLY received at the time. It was advertised as Bianca vs. Sasha Banks, but... let's see.

Champ Bianca is out first... then we get the news that Sasha Banks is unavailable. Her replacement is announced as Carmella. AUDIBLE GROANS as the crowd are tired of the model-gimmick Carmella vs. Bianca feud. Mella gets a full entrance before Bianca grabs a mic telling Sasha that they'll eventually fight again. That time would come on the Draft-night SD, for the record. They tease this match actually happening again... until Becky Lynch's music hits! She's back from her stint in the baby mines that caused her to relinquish her colour-coded belt back in 2020. She beats on Carmella and tosses her the fuck out of ringside. Becky's way over, and challenges Bianca for the REAL match, which will blow the roof off...

...which ends after Becky sucker punches Bianca during a handshake and hits a Manhandle Slam. In 26 seconds. I mean, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to turn her heel and set up Big Time Becks, but you didn't have to bury your champ AND deny all of us a decent match in doing it. When the best women's match on your show is yet another CharlotteWinsLOL to kill off the reign of the worst women's champ since Hervina (Nikki ASH), you have a problem. Insulting.

 

[Sky]

Entry #486
Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Goldberg
for the WWE Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 21, 2021​

Finally, a match I remember HATING on the live watch. Old man Goldberg facing off against Lashley, at a time I was getting seriously tired of Lashley. Let's try to deal with this.

Stopwatches at the reading for Goldberg's entrance, which goes 3 minutes and 5 seconds, including a full minute and 34 before Goldberg even emerges from the entrance way. That's relatively swift for a Goldberg entrance. Big staredown starts. Lock-up, and Lashley's cornered ending in a clean break. Clash of shoulderblocks, flying shoulderblock takes Lashley down, and then a set of slams by Goldberg. The old man's straight up overpowering his opponent. Lashley gets a kick to the midsection, some forearm clubs, and then teases a stolen Jackhammer, but gets blocked. Not following the script again, are we, Billy boy?

Lashley hits a flatliner and goes up top, but gets tossed off. He comes dangerously close to landing on his head. Spear teased but MVP pulls Lashley outside the ring. This lets Goldberg hit the spear on the outside though. Lashley rolls outside for safety from another one. MVP hits Goldberg in the knee with his cane, and Lashley chops that knee out. High chokeslam, and Lashley gets the Hurt Lock mostly on but Goldberg fights out. Lashley cuts the knee out again and now Goldberg just rolls out. He can't stand. Goldberg gets fireman's carried into the ring post, knee-first, then again. Goldberg gets rolled back in, but he can't stand, and the ref just ends it by decision. Lashley knocks the knee out again with a chair then puts Gorg's son in the Hurt Lock. What a heel.

I remember hating this finish, but in isolation it's not awful. What is is the quality of the wrestling. I've heard it said that Rock/Hogan ruined big matches forever, because it let certain people just think they could coast on aura while not being Rock/Hogan. This was that. The sort of low effort "big fight feel" that just drags. A long seven minutes.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #483
Mark Henry (c) vs. Matt Hardy
for the ECW World Heavyweight Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 17, 2008​

Was watching a "worst matches of 2008" video that included this match but not HHH/Khali. So why not, right?

"Matt Hardy has never won a major heavyweight title" -since when did WWE think of the WWECW title as major? Mark Henry's in his Tony Atlas era, in that he can't wrestle and doesn't. Also, he's being managed by the man himself. After a bit of a brawl, Matt rips out a Twist of Fate right away. Looks like a win, but Atlas drags Matt out of the ring for a DQ. This is the time that the GM would come out and restart the match as Extreme Rules, right? No! That would require WWE to make sense! Instead, Matt gets beaten down by a hopeless geriatric until Jeff Hardy shows up to make the save, give Atlas a Swanton from the apron to the floor(???) and suplex Henry. Hardy Boyz reunion, but Henry's still champion.

What was the point of that?

WWE thought of the WWECW Title was a major title because Mark Henry held it and they wanted him to be looked at as a star.

Entry #485
Bianca Belair (c) vs. Becky Lynch
for the WWE SmackDown Women's Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 21, 2021​

Second match of interest is this one, which didn't get a star rating but was HORRIBLY received at the time. It was advertised as Bianca vs. Sasha Banks, but... let's see.

Champ Bianca is out first... then we get the news that Sasha Banks is unavailable. Her replacement is announced as Carmella. AUDIBLE GROANS as the crowd are tired of the model-gimmick Carmella vs. Bianca feud. Mella gets a full entrance before Bianca grabs a mic telling Sasha that they'll eventually fight again. That time would come on the Draft-night SD, for the record. They tease this match actually happening again... until Becky Lynch's music hits! She's back from her stint in the baby mines that caused her to relinquish her colour-coded belt back in 2020. She beats on Carmella and tosses her the fuck out of ringside. Becky's way over, and challenges Bianca for the REAL match, which will blow the roof off...

...which ends after Becky sucker punches Bianca during a handshake and hits a Manhandle Slam. In 26 seconds. I mean, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to turn her heel and set up Big Time Becks, but you didn't have to bury your champ AND deny all of us a decent match in doing it. When the best women's match on your show is yet another CharlotteWinsLOL to kill off the reign of the worst women's champ since Hervina (Nikki ASH), you have a problem. Insulting.

When looking at the whole feud I don't hate the booking as much.

If they had a long match and Becky won by cheating I doubt the heel turn would have been as well-established as it was by the blatant heel work displayed throughout.