Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #487
The Miz (c) vs. Apollo Crews
for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 21, 2016​

People rave about Miz's 2016 IC title run nowadays, but all they remember is the Talking Smack promo. All I remember is him having weak match after weak match. This one took place at a SummerSlam. It's also on the same show as a request from earlier. Now we delve into SlammerSum 2016. Hey, gotta do something while I wait for the full version of TEW IX to drop.

Miz is out first, and he's out with Maryse because you gotta push Total Divas season 6! We get a clip of Apollo Crews trying to talk and he just can't, please don't make him do it. Miz is immediately in with cornered stuff like stomps and ROPE CHOKING~~. Crews ducks a kick and rolls Miz up for two. Miz dodges a dropkick and hits his snap DDT (no backbreaker needed) for a two of his own. Now it's time for rest holds. When you have a mounted rear chinlock like Miz does, why wouldn't you want to trap the arms and do a camel clutch? Miz trips Crews to the outside, goes up for a flying nothing, but eats a boot.

Crews starts going off on Miz, hitting things like a corner splash, crossbody, and a spinning Angle Slam for a two-count. Mauro on commentary becomes the first person in 15 years to mention Mr. Hughes on television. Miz puts on a full nelson but Crews escapes. Standing moonsault but Miz gets the knees up. Crews pop-up powerslam for two. Miz tries his corner clothesline but Crews catches him into a suplex and hits the standing moonsault for two. Miz tries to claw to the outside, Crews pulls him back, tries a back suplex, but Miz grabs the ropes, walks off. No lame count-out retention as Crews brings him back. Crews misses a corner splash and Miz hits the Skull-Crushing Finale outtanowhere for three.

Technically decent but felt flat and unsuited for PPV. I feel that's a lot of the "bad" matches in Network-era WWE.

 

[Sky]

Entry #488
Brock Lesnar vs. Randy Orton
WWE SummerSlam - August 21, 2016​

Some matches are bad on paper and in practice. This is not one of those. This seems like it'd be a fine match. Seems like. I remember there was controversy over the finish here, but not much else. Let's see what Barry was on about.

Heyman comes out to give one of his awesome pre-match intros. Lesnar starts by slamming Orton in the corner. Orton grabs the ropes to counter a German suplex attempt and tries an RKO early, but gets shoved off. German Suplex #1 by Lesnar kicks off "Suplex City" chants and leads to German Suplex #2. More pummelling in the corner and then German Suplex #3. Then more cornering. And then German Suplex #4. More cornering. German Suplex #5. More cornering. German Suplex #6. Orton rolls to the outside to break the monotony. Lesnar joins him to brawl and slams Orton on to the announce table, sending him into the crowd. Then he tosses Orton through the table. Hey, at least it's not more suplexes!

Back in, Lesnar declares Suplex City, Bitch, and takes him on German Suplex #7. To the outside again,and Lesnar strips another announce table to get Orton on top, but Orton hits the RKO on the table. Lesnar sloooooowly makes his way back in the ring but eats the "vintage" rope hung DDT. RKO outta nowhere but Lesnar kicks out. Orton tries the punt but Lesnar counters into an F-5 for two. Remember when those finishers were protected? Now a kick-out is no biggie.

The gloves are off for Lesnar, as he hits Orton in the head again and again with pure fist and elbow. The ref backs Lesnar off, sees Orton's busted open, and stops the match. Lesnar tosses off the medical staff and goes back in again. Crowd wants Goldberg. They don't get him. They just get more Lesnar beatings. But Shane McMahon does come out, and gets an F-5 for good measure.

Let's go over what just happened, shall we? Lesnar used his actual combat sport experience to bust Orton open hardway. And this wasn't even a cut, he was GUSHING. And this was 100% planned, judging by what Lesnar did afterwards. In the process, Orton got a legit concussion, which was ignored on TV until he had to be taken out of a Bray Wyatt PPV match he wouldn't be cleared for (because of, you know, the concussion). The feud became Lesnar vs. the McMahons until Goldberg was ready, because that's a feud with someone you can REALLY cheer. And WWE just shat on the idea that they care about the health of their talent in one go. Trash.

 

[Sky]

Entry #489
Big Show vs. Big Cass
Enzo Amore in a Shark Cage
WWE SummerSlam - August 20, 2017​

One year later, it's the graffiti one, and we've got a pair of matches to look at once again. It's a true "Big" on "Big" match, and the second match in this thread that involves an annoying dickweed who associated with Carmella being put in a shark cage. How can this go any way but badly?

Enzo comes out to do his catchphrases and pop a Brooklyn crowd. Turns out this is the time when Enzo and Cass had broken up because All Tag Teams Must Break Up. Enzo's promo goes entirely too long and is interrupted when Big Ass shows up. He's even taunting Cass as he's raised. Show has one hand in a cast. He gets Cass in the corner and starts pummeling on him, mostly with lefts. He then gives some gentle kicks to the gut. I don't feel the crowd cares one bit. Neither do I. Show hits a side slam but lands badly on the right hand. Still manages to slam Cass in the corner. Goes to the second rope for something, but Cass rolls away and he lands on the hand again. Cass gets a corner splash. Show hits Literally Just A Punch but it's on the bad hand so he can't capitalise and only gets two.

Enzo continues to be professionally irritating in the cage. Cass kicks Show in the hand. All I can say about this... at least it's not just forearm clubs and chinlocks? Cass continues to target that hand. Then he slaps on an armbar as fans start to call from an appearance from Danny Doring. At least I think that's what they're chanting. Show starts to recover with left-arm clotheslines and a corner splash. He even goes for a left-handed chokeslam (that only gets two).

Cass rolls out, Show tries to drag him back in but Cass slaps Show's bad hand on to the ring post. Enzo's now taking his clothes off in an attempt to slip through the cage. He pulls out a vial of honest-to-goodness baby oil and slathers it all over himself. Crowd now only cares about Enzo. Naturally. He gets through the bars and lowers himself into the ring, but gets wiped right out by Cass's big boot. One for Show gets two, so Cass goes for the Empire Elbow for the win. Fans don't give a shit.

You know what? This could have been a good concept for a match, targeting the hand, if it had been between two better wrestlers. But it wasn't, so fuck it.

 

[Sky]

Entry #490
Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
for the WWE Championship
WWE SummerSlam - August 20, 2017​

Poor Nakamura. Had to endure Jinder's racist promos, and then had to work a match with him. This got 2.5 stars from Dave somehow, despite being a Jinder title match. Let's drag ourselves through it.

Aww they even gave Nakamura a special entrance with a violinist? I feel bad for him. He was so cool, and then they decided they didn't care, so he decided he didn't care either. They say a bunch of things making Jinder seem like a national hero. WHY MAKE HIM A MASSIVE RACIST THEN? Do they think racism's a draw in India?

Slow start. Nakamura's so cool with his nonchalant little kick. Jinder gets on a wristlock but Nakamura twists out of it. Exchange of headlocks that ends with a break against the ropes. Nakamura presses his face against Jinder's midsection for no reason. But then he does the COME OOON thing and he's won me back again. Jinder to the outside, and Nakamura keeps him there. 3MB chants ring out. Jinder comes back in with the most generic WWE Guy offence. Nakamura counters with his feet and knees and the crowd LOVES him. Jinder resting again but Nakamura comes out to meet him. The Singhs offer a distraction so Jinder can send Nakamura into the barricade. Just like every Jinder match.

And so begins the Jinder heat segment. Stomps, a knee, an elbow.. .and then a CHINLOCK! Thankfully he doesn't drag it out too long, but he does do the COME OOON thing at Nakamura. Back to the chinlock. Yawn. Nakamura tries to fight back, and ends up getting an enzuigiri for a double down. He manages to do the shoot kicks and a cornered high knee for two. Jinder counters a suplex attempt, tries a slam, but Nakamura counters into a triangle choke! Jinder, sadly, keeps his title reign alive for now with a rope break, Nakamura can't get the sitout facebuster on Jinder until he knees him first. He misses a corner knee and Jinder rolls him up for two.

Jinder hits a running knee for two. Khallas teased but Nakamura fights out and hits an enzuigiri. Jinder misses a corner charge but gets kneed. Kinshasa about to happen but the Singhs come in to get beaten up. This, as always, lets Jinder get the Khallas for the win.

Same as every Jinder match. Same flat ending as every Jinder match. Sad.

 

[Sky]

Entry #491
John Cena vs. Baron Corbin
WWE SummerSlam - August 20, 2017​

I thought I was done and could move on to SummerSlam '93 (it's got the Giant Gonzalez run-back!) but noticed I put Cena vs. Corbin on my backlog. So fuck it, might as well! Sleeping bags at the ready, everyone!

This is immediately after Corbin failed his cash-in getting rolled up CLEAN by Jinder. No wonder fans stopped caring. Cena does his favourite thing: making dudes look like fools. He rolls out of the ring to talk to JBL about how gotten to Corbin is and puts on his hat. Cena puts on a headlock that goes to the corner, and Corbin comes back with basic brawling. Corbin misses a corner charge but does his go-around-the-post thing and hits a clothesline for two. Crowd's ALREADY chanting for referee Mike Chioda rather than either of these guys. Corbin challenges the commentators. Cena comes back but gets caught off a crossbody and slammed for a two-count.

Corbin locks the arm and chin for a rest hold. Cena visibly says something to him (obscuring his mouth to hard cam) so Corbin goes to argue with fans letting Cena get a brief hope spot. "Where's your briefcase" chants. Cena doomy moves time. Shoulderblock, shoulderblock, Protobomb, but Corbin dodges the Five Knuckle Shuffle, slides around the ring post again, and hits a chokeslam/backbreaker for two. Corbin preps a superplex but Cena resists and does a top rope test of strength. Tornado DDT by Cena, and now he can hit Five Knuckle Shuffle. AA teased, Corbin hits Deep Six outtanowhere. Corbin tries to come around the ring post a third time but that does him in as he eats a Cena clothesline and an AA for the win.

That dragged and the crowd audibly didn't care for it until the end.

 

[Sky]

Entry #492
Ludvig Borga vs. Marty Jannetty
WWF SummerSlam - August 30, 1993​

Now on to 1993, and there's three matches of interest. First, an evil Finnish environmentalist takes on the lesser Rocker. Half a star from Dave. Let's see why.

Jannetty makes the mistake of turning his back and Borga starts beating him down like a simple jobber. Commentary talks about how he was a teenage boxing champion as he's beating on Jannetty in the corner. He hits a pop-up gut punch. Probably illegal in boxing but still a very cool move. I'd love to see one of the big men of today revive that one. Lifting choke by Borga, and then some more attacking in the corner. Borga misses a corner splash and Jannetty tries to mount a comeback but gets clotheslined. Jannetty tries to sunset flip a larger man. BEARHUG because it is the 1970s, and a clothesline that turns Jannetty inside out. Jannetty gets a brief comeback with a SUPERKICK PARTAY, but goes up top, gets caught and slammed. One Torture Rack later, it's all academic.

Squash of a guy no one cares about, on PPV. Bleh.

 

[Sky]

Entry #493
The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez
Rest in Peace Match
WWF SummerSlam - August 30, 1993​

Next up is the runback of Taker vs. Giant Gonzalez. Yep, they saw the Mania 9 match and thought "we should do that again!". This is just a No DQ match.

Harvey Wippleman has stolen the Undertaker's urn. "He didn't steal it, he URN'd it" -Bobby Heenan. God, his talents are wasted here. Taker entrance length: pretty much dead on two minutes. Guess he hadn't quite mastered the art of drawing out his entrances yet. Taker kicks off with throat thrusts. Wippleman provides a distraction. Gonzalez gets a boot up and starts up on his shitty offence. Those horrid forearm clubs. Taker goes for clotheslines but Gonzalez stays down and downs Taker with palms to the face... Taker sits up. Out we go to the outside and it's Throat Thrust vs. Horrible Forearm. Gonzalez lightly nudges Taker into the steel steps then uses a chair. He then whips Taker into the steps, which at least means Taker can put some impact into it.

Gonzalez gives Taker a bit of rest then returns to those dogshit forearms. Taker wants the urn but can't get it. He starts getting throat thrusts in but goes for the urn and still it's out of its reach. The best Gonzalez moves are the ones where Taker's doing all the work, like a whip to the corner. Mid-match, the bell bongs, and out comes Paul Bearer! He's got a black wreath and puts it on the apron, and Wippleman comes in for a MANAGER FIGHT! Bearer downs Wippleman and retrieves the urn. Meanwhile in the ring Gonzalez has been doing stuff I guess. He does an AWFUL slam on Taker where he doesn't land evenly. Bearer raises the urn, Taker sits up, time for the comeback. He uses clotheslines to get Gonzalez on one knee, and a top rope clothesline gets him down for three.

The main advantage of this over the Mania 9 match is that it has a finish. Otherwise it's painful. Oh yeah, post-match Gonzalez turns on Wippleman and lays the wreath on him but who cares.

 

[Chris]

I just can't believe they did it twice

 

[Sky]

Entry #494
Yokozuna (c) vs. Lex Luger
for the WWF Championship
WWF SummerSlam - August 30, 1993​

And it's time for our main event... Luger vs. Yoko for the big one. Will Luger win? Will he lose? Will he win, but not win the title, then celebrate like he's just won? I wonder.

There's guys singing both the Japanese and US national anthems. The latter being sung by Aaron Neville accompanied by Macho Man. I'll tell it like it is: it's just a waste of time. There's so much pageantry around this match that just drags it out. I'm bored to tears before the bell rings because it's taken a full 12 minutes between the segment starting and the bell ringing. There's more time-wasting than a modern WWE PPV.

Speaking of time-wasting, BIG STAREDOWN!! Fuji tries to create a distraction so Yoko can attack, but it doesn't really work. Yoko eventually gets a back elbow to down Luger, but misses his leg drop. Luger strikes at the leg, and crotches Yoko with the rope. Elbow drop by Luger for two. He then dodges one by Yoko. Corner clothesline and mounted punches by Luger... until the ref stops him. All of a sudden Yoko's on top now. Fuji tries a salt shot but Luger blocks. He tries to slam Yoko but he can't and Yoko kicks him over. A headbutt sends Luger out and then the pace, whatever there was, is gone.

Yoko follows outside and chokes Luger with a thread from his gear. Body avalanche against the apron, and now Yoko gets a chair but misses. Luger hits a couple of double axe handles and topples the big man with the "controversial" steel-plated forearm. Yoko kicks out at 2.9999 though. One more to the back of the head, and Yoko still kicks out. Double clothesline, double down. Cornette creates a distraction so Yoko can use the salt bucket. It's a delayed cover, though, so it only gets two for a big pop. Yoko's belly-to-belly has Vince convinced it's over but it's another slow cover for another two. Yoko uses a rope choke for a while, then hits a back suplex for another delayed cover and two.

When all else fails, what do you do? A NERVE PINCH! Luger sells for a while, then stands up and fights out. He goes for another slam but Yoko lands on top of him for another two. The leg drop doesn't finish it either. Cornette thinks it's a conspiracy that this isn't finished. Banzai Drop setup, but Luger rolls away! Yoko's gassed to hell, zero energy. After a bit of turnbuckle-bashing Yoko misses a corner charge and Luger finally slams him! He beats Fuji, hits Yoko with the forearm, he rolls out... and Yoko's counted out. Big celebration, MURICA moment, balloons, Luger's up on everyone's shoulders... only one problem. Yoko's still the champ. You're celebrating nothing!

Typical slow, low-wrestling Yoko match with a storyline I couldn't get into and a dumb finish.

 

[Chris]

Funniest finish I've ever seen to this day

 

[Sky]

Entry #495
Money, Inc. (c) vs. The Natural Disasters
for the WWF World Tag Team Championship
WWF WrestleMania VIII - April 5, 1992​

I feel I got all the well-known bad SummerSlam matches, so time to move back to my quest to knock off all the bad WWE matches before the Network dies. And we'll start with Mania 8, whose final three matches in terms of star ratings went Minus 2, DUD, Minus 2. Helps to have them in a block. First up is the Tag Title match.

Champs out first. IRS isn't interested in wrestling Earthquake. Quake overpowers DiBiase early and keeps tossing him into the corner. He starts uncorking big clotheslines for both heels, then Typhoon comes in and smashes Money, Inc.'s heads together. Quake knows how to work a wristlock, elbowing and uppercutting the shoulder. Typhoon is a bit less fun to watch but he's dominating IRS anyway. Typhoon misses a body avalanche and in comes DiBiase who gets a tiny bit of offence before Typhoon whips him hard. They try to do a pull-the-ropes-down setup but Typhoon - one of the lesser regarded wrestling spheres - can't make it over the top rope without substantial effort.

Now begins the heat segment. Money, Inc. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE for two. Then a double back elbow (but not before Typhoon no-sells a cornered beating). They do a ref-missed-the-tag spot so we don't get more Quake. Assisted double axe handle and DiBiase gets a two-count. Clotheslines, double down. Heenan suggests Typhoon has fallen asleep. No, that's the fans. They don't respond to Earthquake, even when he starts clotheslining guys all around. All four men are in and DiBiase's tossed out. Typhoon hits a splash, and then Earthquake Splash teased on IRS, but DiBiase pulls IRS out of the ring to take the count-out loss. Lame.

I'm so glad they don't really do DQs/count-outs on PPV anymore. As it stands, this is just an unsatisfying match with a REALLY unsatisfying finish.

 

[Sky]

Entry #496
Owen Hart vs. Skinner
WWF WrestleMania VIII - April 5, 1992​

You know another thing I'm glad we don't have? Random TV matches on PPV! Instead we get ads. Can't decide which is more lame. Here's the Rocket against the gator baiter.

Skinner kicks off early by spitting in Owen's face and tearing off his jacket. He hits a shoulderbreaker, which is a very underrated move. This is just pure Skinner heat. Gatorbreaker hit, but Owen kicks out. Owen skins the cat being tossed out, comes from behind and rolls Skinner up for the three. Owen dropkicks him out of the ring, that being the first offensive move he got.

This feels like a prototype for the Razor/Kid moment a year later, only it's against Skinner so no one cares about it.

 

[Sky]

Entry #497
Hulk Hogan vs. Sid Justice
WWF WrestleMania VIII - April 5, 1992​

Is this the worst ever Mania main? It might well be. A non-title match put over Savage/Flair because Hogan Must Main. And it's against ring anti-general Sid! How long do we think is going to be spent in rest holds? Probably a long time!

Harvey Wippleman gives a special announcement for Sid. The offence starts mid-entrance, with Sid jumping Hogan, a rope-running sequence, and then Hogan punching Sid out of the ring. All while "Real American" continues to play. I wonder if I'd be in the right mindset for a Hogan match if that just kept playing throughout, New Jack-style. Sadly it's just a way to let Hogan continue his entrance, as the bell rings.

Sid starts out targeting the midsection, and does a bit of facial clawing for the corner-mounted cameras. Hogan recovers with punches and Sid's got to rest outside for a bit. TEST OF STRENGTH spot, which is the real sign of an amazing match! Compelling, and not boring at all! Hogan's down on his knees, but both he and Sid realise the crowd are there, and he fights back a bit. That just looks silly. Hogan's cornered, but he reverses a whip and hits a corner clothesline. Chokeslam by Sid, and yet he doesn't go for the pin while Hogan's dead for about a minute. Sid uses his simple brawly offence to dump Hogan out, and Wippleman creates a distraction so Sid can swing Wippleman's bag at Hogan.

As if the match needed to be slowed down even more, we get the deadly NERVE PINCH!! It's not Luger-Yoko levels of overlong nerve pinching, but still. Hogan does the arm-drop routine and fights out, but gets side slammed by Sid. The master's powerbomb gets... only two, as it's time for Hogan to Hulk up! By no-selling knees that don't even come close to landing. Turnbuckle bashes, big boot, body slam, leg drop... Sid kicks out! Harvey Wippleman runs in, and just his presence is enough to call the DQ. What did I say about non-finishes on PPV? At the MAIN EVENT OF MANIA?

Anyway, Hogan tosses Wippleman on to Sid. Papa Shango runs out, clearly having missed his cue to come out and interfere for the actual planned DQ finish. Let the beatdown begin until Ultimate Warrior, making his return since being fired at SummerSlam '91, comes out to make the save. Warrior resists a chair shot from Sid, Hogan takes the chair, faces stand tall.

That was a pretty shit main event, yeah! Limited in-ring, violations of logic, and then a non-finish where the planned non-finish was botched so they had to do a dumber one.

 

[Sky]

Entry #498
Mr. T vs. Kevin Sullivan
WCW Starrcade - December 27, 1994​

I felt the run up to entry 500 should be a celebration of the thread's biggest star, Hulk Hogan. And what's more a celebration of Hulk Hogan than Starrcade '94, the most ego-stroking Hogan show there is. All of Hogan's pals are in the matches, except Honky Tonk Man who was too difficult to work with even by WCW standards and got fired. The only match that wasn't created to suck the cock of Hogan or his friend was Jean-Paul Levesque vs. Alex Wright! We'll be dealing with the horrid "triple main event", starting with this one. Mr. T hasn't worked a match since the boxing match disaster of 1986. Kevin Sullivan is a glorified manager at this point. Let's see how much it sucks.

Mr. T's gear looks like a cross between a ref outfit and old-style sleep clothes. T dominates early, with a hip toss. Some guy dressed as Santa shows up and starts giving out Starrcade T-shirts. Meanwhile in the ring T's giving headbutts and punches, and is blown up already! Sullivan trips T out of the ring and he sells it like shit. After a bit of a struggle on the outside, Sullivan drops T on to a cameraman. His ref print shirt has almost been torn off. We get an uncomfortable view of Kevin Sullivan's taint. Jimmy Hart comes out and puts his megaphone in Santa's sack. Santa's hat comes off to reveal it's Dave Sullivan. Evad lamps Kevin with the loaded sack to give Mr. T the win. Post-match Kev attacks and whips his brother.

A three-minute long segment with no wrestling and no entertainment.

 

[Sky]

Entry #499
Sting vs. Avalanche
WCW Starrcade - December 27, 1994​

Match 2 in this triple threat is Sting against Legally-Distinct Earthquake! This should be good, and yet it got a pathetic quarter star. Let's see why.

Sting is PWI's most popular wrestler, apparently. His hair is also at its tallest. Big staredown, playing to the crowd. Tenta does the tremors and Sting beats his chest. Then, a shoving match. More of Sting playing to the crowd. Tenta gets Sting cornered. Then a bit of rope face grinding. WCW uses cables. How's that supposed to hurt like real rope would? Sting targets the legs. TEST OF STRENGTH because apparently there was too much happening in this match. Tenta's using gentle corner charges. What happened to him? This entire match is just shitty big man moves so far. Sting goes for a slam but he can't. Tenta hits an elbow drop for two.

Tenta's now doing the Andre lie-back thing. And then a BOOT CHOKE. And a ROPE CHOKE. If you ever wanted to see what a Sting vs. Andre match would be like, now's your chance! Sting goes in with stomps and Tenta's rolling out for a rest. When he's back in he puts on a headlock. Sting tries to fight out but is stuck there for a minute and a half. He attacks the legs again but eats a Tenta clothesline. Powerslam for two. After shoving Sting around Tenta briefly tries a bearhug. Sting jumps on Tenta's back for a sleeper. This briefly gets Tenta down to one knee. Sting tries a slam but Tenta falls on top for two. Tenta's moving like a man twice his age and size.

Tenta stomps Sting some more and hits a slam. (NAME REDACTED) Splash teased but Sting gets up behind Tenta's back and hits a clothesline. Clotheslines and dropkicks accidentally put the ref into the corner, and a Stinger Splash bumps him. Sting gets the slam and puts on the Scorpion Deathlock, but Sullivan comes in to interfere. It's 2-on-1 and Sting takes an Avalanche Drop (oh that's the WCW name) until Hogan comes out to make the save. Sting wins by DQ.

What the hell happened to John Tenta?