Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #509
Curt Hennig vs. Buff Bagwell
Loser Must Retire
WCW Mayhem - November 21, 1999​

Our third match of eight is this thing! A big retirement match. Can't both of these guys retire? Hennig's past it at this stage and Bagwell has never been good.

Jarrett and Co. assert themselves once again by attacking Bagwell pre-match, and he doesn't come out. Instead out come the Chosen One and his white supremacist men in black, who all come up to beat down Hennig too! What do the Powers that Be gain from this? Bagwell comes out with a 2x4 he probably stole from Jim Duggan to clear them off.

Hennig hits from behind, starting off by using Bagwell's chain to choke him for short periods. I'm disappointed in him, he should know that the DEADLY NERVE PINCH is more effective than an illegal move like that. A minute in Hennig can do no more and goes to the outside for a bit of BOTO. He gets on commentary's mic and trashes Bagwell but we can't really make out what he says. Trying to get back in, Hennig gets shoved into the barricade off the apron, and the BOTO continues. Hennig kicks Buff in his Stuff in full view of the ref. After brawling back to the ring, Bagwell gets the edge with the ropes. Hennig gets a boot up of a corner charge. Soon after that he does what I feel bad describing as a "Jeff Hardy leg drop" as he does it better, even flipping out of it.

On goes a sleeper. Bagwell's down, arm-drop routine (and some people trying to start another "boring" chant) but he fights out. Hennig shuts down with a knee lift, does another chain choke, and puts on the sleeper again. He then starts chopping Bagwell, and drops an elbow on his chest for two. Cornered... slap from Hennig. This puts the fire back in Bagwell, using an eye rake, slamming, but missing a splash. I guess that's what it's supposed to be, but Bagwell clips Hennig with his arm anyway. Hennig corners Bagwell and splashes him once, but Bagwell gets the boot up for the second. Blockbuster finishes it pretty much out of nowhere. Hennig takes in the thanks of the fans.

Really generic WCW stuff, Hennig's a shell of his former self. Why couldn't Bagwell have retired too, though?

 

[Sky]

Entry #510
Sting vs. Bret Hart
Mayhem Tournament Semi-Final Match
WCW Mayhem - November 21, 1999​

"Sting vs. Bret? How can that disappoint?" For one thing, it's 1999, and Bret's nowhere near the Bret he was, even if Owen Hart were still alive. You can see it as he enters. There's no soul behind those eyes. This'll be phoned in to hell.

Feeling-out, lock-up, into the corner. Staredown. Bret gets a good punch in and starts brawling. We quickly go to the outside for some classic WCW BOTO. At least Bret's using some moves, like a headbutt to the cock and an inverted atomic drop. Guess he's targeting the penis. Sting goes for the eyes and gets the edge back. I'm not seeing Bret at all. It's almost like Sting's wrestling a Hugh Morrus. Bret stops Sting in his tracks and hits a suplex for a two-count. Sting gets a nutshot in front of the ref's eyes, but Relaxed Rules mean thi match continues. Sting gets an elbow for two and puts on a chinlock. Bret fights up but Sting lifts the knee and hits another elbow for two.

The BOTO resumes. Sting goes for a Stinger Splash on the announce table but Bret dodges. Sting whips Bret into the railing. Back in the ring, Bret gets feet up for a corner charge. Bret goes up top but Sting uses the referee as a human shield and it's REF BUMP TIME! Out come Luger and Liz to destroy Sting's legs. Bret stops Luger, putting him in the Sharpshooter... and the ref wakes up and calls for the bell?? Bret, like a true babyface, points out the mistake and calls for a restart. Stupid finish averted.

Anyway, on to the real finish. Bret hits his punches and a stomp to the cock. Russian legsweep for two, backbreaker, he's going to go for the second rope elbow but Sting gets the boot up. Scorpion Deathlock applied but Bret attacks the leg and reverses into the Sharpshooter for the tapout win. It's going to be an all-Canadian final in the main event. (Don't worry, that turns out to be a good match.)

It's just sad to see Bret in this state. He's competent but he's not the same.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #510
Sting vs. Bret Hart
Mayhem Tournament Semi-Final Match
WCW Mayhem - November 21, 1999​

"Sting vs. Bret? How can that disappoint?" For one thing, it's 1999, and Bret's nowhere near the Bret he was, even if Owen Hart were still alive. You can see it as he enters. There's no soul behind those eyes. This'll be phoned in to hell.

Feeling-out, lock-up, into the corner. Staredown. Bret gets a good punch in and starts brawling. We quickly go to the outside for some classic WCW BOTO. At least Bret's using some moves, like a headbutt to the cock and an inverted atomic drop. Guess he's targeting the penis. Sting goes for the eyes and gets the edge back. I'm not seeing Bret at all. It's almost like Sting's wrestling a Hugh Morrus. Bret stops Sting in his tracks and hits a suplex for a two-count. Sting gets a nutshot in front of the ref's eyes, but Relaxed Rules mean thi match continues. Sting gets an elbow for two and puts on a chinlock. Bret fights up but Sting lifts the knee and hits another elbow for two.

The BOTO resumes. Sting goes for a Stinger Splash on the announce table but Bret dodges. Sting whips Bret into the railing. Back in the ring, Bret gets feet up for a corner charge. Bret goes up top but Sting uses the referee as a human shield and it's REF BUMP TIME! Out come Luger and Liz to destroy Sting's legs. Bret stops Luger, putting him in the Sharpshooter... and the ref wakes up and calls for the bell?? Bret, like a true babyface, points out the mistake and calls for a restart. Stupid finish averted.

Anyway, on to the real finish. Bret hits his punches and a stomp to the cock. Russian legsweep for two, backbreaker, he's going to go for the second rope elbow but Sting gets the boot up. Scorpion Deathlock applied but Bret attacks the leg and reverses into the Sharpshooter for the tapout win. It's going to be an all-Canadian final in the main event. (Don't worry, that turns out to be a good match.)

It's just sad to see Bret in this state. He's competent but he's not the same.

People complain about Bret's bitterness. And I get that he should probably chill out, but I point to this. I point to WCW beating him down mentally. I think of Owen's passing and how the only times Bret seemed to shine in these final months of his career was when he was allowed to just wrestle and use that as his therapy, not screwy BS from Russo (Who took over as head booker in this time). Then add his concussion. Then his stroke later. Dude has been beat up mentally and physically by an industry he gave his life for and it cost him his trust, his brother, his heart, and health in the span of several years. In some ways, it is refreshing he isn't one of those "Back in my day" folks, who make it his main goal to shit on everything modern. Sometimes I think he could use therapy (We all can) as an outlet to help, but considering everything he's been through, he's lucky to be alive still, and it's a surprise he didn't shut out wrestling forever.

 

[Sky]

Entry #511
Vampiro vs. Berlyn
Dog Collar Match
WCW Mayhem - November 21, 1999​

You can just smell the shit all over that matchup, can't you? Vampiro and regimmicked Alex Wright cost each other in the World Title tournament, and so they're feuding now. And Vampiro's palling around with the Misfits, as if enough time weren't being wasted on non-wrestlers in WCW.

And the SHITS JUST KEEP ON COMING as we hear the music Jim Ross uses, and that can only mean one thing... OKLAHOMA! "Oh no", says Schiavone, already hating this from the off. It's somehow even MORE disrespectful than you'd expect. He's constantly doing the droopy face, while Dr. Death follows behind him, regretting every decision in life that brought him to this point. He's going to be on commentary fucking Christ why. Why are we on this earth.

Berlyn rejects the dog collar and bumps the ref before the match begins, which is a new record. He tosses Jerry Only and lets the Wall attack Vampiro. Snake Eyes by Wall but Vampiro crotches him with the chain. Berlyn's got Only taped to the guardrail. Wall drags Vampiro off the top rope, while Oklahoma does the Stone Cold Stone Cold thing but with Vampiro's name. There have been zero offensive moves between Berlyn and Vampiro until he stops Vampiro from slamming the Wall. The commentary becomes even more ear-bleeding as they make lazy German jokes.

The dog collar is now attached to Wall. Vampiro tries to go up top but Wall drags him around. Chokeslam, Wall pins... THE REF COUNTS?? I have officially given up on trying to understand WCW. Berlyn breaks it up and wants to take credit, so Wall takes the collar off and passes it to Berlyn. In the background Jerry Only briefly tries to interfere, but gets bumped again. Spin kick by Vampiro, and I envy the deaf not having to hear Oklahoma. Vampiro does a superplex but gets zero elevation off the corner so it just looks like shit. Vampiro and Jerry Only do a really uneven double suplex. Nail in the Coffin, then Vampiro gets the dog collar chain (which is attached to NOBODY at this point) and chokes Berlyn out in a Camel Clutch for the win. Dr. Death runs in and tosses Vampiro and Only around.

God is dead. Truly soul-crushingly awful stuff. This only got minus 1 star from Dave, rather than the minus 5 it deserves.

 

[Sky]

Entry #512
The Total Package vs. Meng
WCW Mayhem - November 21, 1999​

It clearly doesn't get any better, as here we have Luger vs. Meng! What year is it? 1999, apparently, and not the New Generation era.

Luger's out in a neck brace, and he's been forced into this match with Meng because Russo said fuck you. We've got a "boring" chant even before the match begins. Meng starts beating down, tearing Luger's clothes off as he goes. Luger hits a suplex but Meng gets right up, and we go to the outside for some more lazy BOTO. Crowd is SILENT. Back in the ring Luger gets a clothesline but Meng pops up again. He tries the Tongan Death Grip but the neck brace won't allow it. So he goes for chokes, as if those don't target the neck too. Luger gets a clothesline but Meng still gets up. Luger hits a powerslam for two.

Luger tries to bash Meng's face on the turnbuckle but ha ha Polynesian head resistance. I thought we were past that in 1999. Meng's just no-selling everything. He rattles Luger with headbutts, knocking him over again and again. Savate kick for two. Liz tries to spray Meng in the eyes but hits Luger by accident. Meng rips off the neck brace and wins with the Tongan Death Grip.

At least it was somewhat coherent. Not like either man was trying at all.

 

[Sky]

Entry #513
David Flair vs. Kimberly Page
WCW Mayhem - November 21, 1999​

David Flair, the man who permanently looks like an 10 year old boy who just had his PSP confiscated, is battling a non-wrestler woman because Vince Russo is amused by intergender violence. That's it, that's the lead-in. Let's endure it.

Ref has to ask David nicely to put the crowbar down. He goes over to Kimberly, she kicks him in the dick... but he no-sells it, because he's got a cup. And he BUMPS THE REFEREE because of course. Kimberly tries to stop David from bludgeoning her to death with the crowbar by... seducing him? Not saying Vince Russo has a problem with women, but... yeah. It's all a ruse to tear out the cup, and kick him in the dick again. Then he shoves the cup in David's face treating him to his own dick smell. Catfight offence by Kimberly until David corners her. Kanyon shows up and prevents a crowbar-based murder (he's been filming Ready to Rumble, according to commentary). DDP shows up as David clears Kanyon and gives him a Diamond Cutter. DDP's about to use the crowbar but Arn Anderson stops it. So David hits Arn. The match just... ends with no winner.

This was on PPV. It was devoid of anything I'd call wrestling.

 

[Chris]

David foreshadowing his future tag team partner

 

[Sky]

Entry #514
Goldberg vs. Sid Vicious
I Quit Match
WCW Mayhem - November 21, 1999​

We finish off our trip to Mayhem with a look at a feud we've seen before! We last saw it at Halloween Havoc, where Goldberg claimed the US title from Sid by referee stoppage. Now we want to make sure that we have a definitive winner. Hopefully that's not foreshadowing of another fuck finish!

This match starts about as Halloween Havoc's did: mindless brawling. Canada HATES Goldberg. He ducks a clothesline and hits a clean slam. To the outside for a bit of BOTO! Maybe that's unfair, there's only one whip into the railing and it's mostly Goldberg with forearm clubs. Sid uses some of his own back in the ring, then a cobra clutch slam. Rope choking and fish hooking from Sid as the crowd chants "Gillberg". And now a boot choke! I'm tired of the inane WCW Style, and yet there's so much more of it. Sid hits two chokeslams in a row. "ASK HIIIIM" says Sid as he uses a grounded choke. Crowd trashes Goldberg as he reverses into an armbar. Goldberg sucks, says Toronto. Goldberg hits a series of clotheslines, goes back to the basic brawling, as Sid's selling that shoulder. Cobra clutch by Goldberg, Sid's knocked out. So the match ends, even without Sid saying he quits.

The fuck? The fans clearly think this is dumb like I do.

 

[Rosie]

Vince, first thing he does is rip off a WWF angle he did with an I Quit Match without the story, or drama related to it and no excecution.