Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #531
Triple H vs. Sgt. Slaughter
Boot Camp Match
WWF D-Generation X: In Your House - December 7, 1997​

And here we have the minus 2 star match. Old man Slaughter taking on young man HHH in a mindless brawl. He had a few good Boot Camp matches, but that was over 15 years ago. Let's see what time does to a man.

Slaughter's music gets zero pop, because it's the same one the Patriot used and they think that loser's going to wrestle. Slaughter starts out strong, doing old man brawling and using a riding crop. He hits a big boot right in HHH's balls. It was clearly meant to be the midsection, given how he targets that part with his next few moves. He does a back elbow which appears to be to the penis. TO THE OUTSIDE where Slaughter bashes HHH into the furniture. He goes for a cover but the pin has to be in the ring. Therefore, no pin, and so the BOTO continues. Back in the ring Slaughter whips HHH a bit with his belt. And then a belt choke. Eventually. It takes a while for him to put it on.

The pace of this is absolutely ponderous, deliberate, whatever word you can think of for "slow and boring". Slaughter tries the Cobra Clutch but HHH kicks off. HHH then trips Slaughter, who does his awesome arse-over-tit bump over the turnbuckle. "Da Nang was never like this, was it, Sarge?" -Lawler, to a man who never served. Lawler then acts like the Vietnam War was when he was a child when he was at least 15 when the first US boots went on the ground. Anyway, the match. Slaughter's been tossed over the guardrail into the crowd and HHH comes over to punch him back in again,

HHH grabs the ring bell, even decking the timekeeper for it, but Slaughter shuts him down with a clothesline. JR cares immensely about the health of the timekeeper. HHH hits Slaughter in the back of the head with the bell. Now he's using that belt, choking Slaughter and tossing him around with it. If this sounds in any way exciting, just read it in slow motion and that's the experience of this match. Chyna passes HHH a chain and he punches Slaughter out with it. Second rope fist drop only gets two. He's prepping another chain punch but Slaughter starts fighting back, before collapsing. I'm not sure he's not just legit gassed.

Slaughter's picked up the chain but HHH drops him to the floor. He goes up top for the suck-it but Slaughter gets a boot up. There's a pretty bad botch where Slaughter's going for a slam but just collapses. Pretty sure it was meant to go into a small package but Slaughter just didn't do it properly. HHH has to loudly call the next spot, which is a suplex reverse, then Slaughter going up top but getting tossed down for two. HHH uses a SLEEPER HOLD! You know, as if this match weren't dragging enough already. Arm drop routine, but Slaughter's living.

Slaughter gets the Cobra Clutch. Chyna shoves the ref and breaks the hold, before punching the ref out completely. In she comes with a chair. Somehow, though, Slaughter's gotten some powder, and blinds Chyna with it. HHH swings his removed boot at Slaughter (how's that more effective than a kick?) but gets put in the Cobra Clutch again. Arm-drop routine again, but Chyna gets up and breaks the hold by kicking Slaughter in his privates. After a good minute of setup, Pedigree on the chair puts a merciful end to this.

Absolutely not a Boot Camp match. Where was the intensity? That was just a regular dull match with a belt.

 

[Chris]

Yeah I remember being very bored, nothing worse than a gimmick match that isn't gimmicky enough

 

[Sky]

Entry #532
The Undertaker vs. Jeff Jarrett
WWF D-Generation X: In Your House - December 7, 1997​

Last match from this show, thank FUUUUUCK. I think we're all agreed this was the dirt worst era of Jeff Jarrett, right? Being the most generic chickenshit heel, being part of the stupid NWA stable, coming to the ring in THAT outfit...

He even has his own ring intro as part of his theme music. For all you Undertaker Entrance Watchers, this one goes a relatively sprightly 2:55. Jarrett's initial strategy is basically hit-and-run, but Taker eventually overcomes it and the Best Pure Striker In The WWF Today unloads in the corner. Taker clothesline for two. He then works the arm in the lead-up to going Old School. Jarrett goes up top and Taker tries a chokeslam but Jarrett counters by going for the knees. Jarrett ducks a big boot and takes out the knee again. He attacks the knee mostly by sitting on it and kicking.

Eventually Taker avoids a sit and starts whaling again. Kneeling backbreaker and leg drop for two. Then a big boot. Shame the leg you targeted isn't the one he does all his moves with, huh, Jeff? Maybe think of that. It doesn't matter ultimately as the lights go out, and the crowd wakes up as they know some Kane Shenanigans will happen. Kane gives the chokeslam to Jarrett which hands him the DQ win, then challenges him with a slap and some pyro, but Taker stands still. The match isn't happening... yet. Jarrett targets the knee again and puts on the Figure Four but Taker goozles him and hits a REALLY sloppy chokeslam.

Why was that on PPV?

 

[Chris]

No recollection whatsoever of that one

 

[Death By Looch]

Last match from this show, thank FUUUUUCK. I think we're all agreed this was the dirt worst era of Jeff Jarrett, right? Being the most generic chickenshit heel, being part of the stupid NWA stable, coming to the ring in THAT outfit...

I never noticed that that outfit points at his little Double J.

97 was a weird ass year for him.

 

[Sky]

Entry #533
Johnny B. Badd (c) vs. The Honky Tonk Man
for the WCW World Television Championship
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 23, 1994​

RIP Kevin Sullivan, whose booking made WCW what it was at its peak.

Full disclosure: I diverged from my schedule to do this show and pay respect to a legend. He's involved in a DUD later in this show, but there's another notably negatively received match on Havoc '94. Not by Dave, though, who gave it two stars. No idea why. Remember how I said Honky Donky was difficult to work with in my Starrcade '94 run? Well, here's his only WCW PPV appearance. Let's see if it's true.

Honky comes out to a "Hound Dog" ripoff. Johnny B. Badd comes out with vampire fangs and big pyro sparklers. The Badd Blaster is looking a lot longer and stiffer than usual. Next thing I notice is that Honky is wearing the standard issue "too old for this shit" tights with the single shoulder strap. You know, the sort Jerry Lawler would wear sometimes. He tries to snatch the belt off Nick Patrick, who is too quick.

This starts off as basically a shitty worked boxing match without gloves, in that nothing really happens. Exchange of arm wringers while Bobby Heenan rattles off all his Elvis references in one go. Badd ducks a punch and hits an atomic drop, which Honky sells right on the penis. Honky gets his hair ruffled and stalls on the outside. Sting is apparently on the WCW Hotline for this show. Not wrestling. Both men exchange heats with punches before Honky elbows him down and hits a double axe handle. Then comes the deadly CHINLOCK! We're what, three minutes into this match? Why do you need a rest hold?

Honky sells a shoulderblock that never happens. Badd bounces off Honky and he goes for a ROPE CHOKE! We cut to the crowd where MUHAMMAD ALI IS HERE?? What the hell's he doing watching a dark ages WCW show? Badd gets a sunset flip for two. Honky returns to the chinlock and the announcer says there's five minutes remaining. Oh yeah, this is a TV Title ten-minute match. If that's so, then why is Honky slowing the match down so? Doesn't he want to win? Badd fights back and slams Honky, but misses an elbow drop. Chinlock again! Why are you wasting time, you ageing Elvis impersonator? Honky teases Shake, Rattle 'n Roll, but Badd back body drops him off. He rallies but misses a corner charge.

A Honky pin is stopped because it's on the ropes. Speaking of ropes, Badd gets thrown through them and Honky does seemingly his only move - a double axe handle - to the outside. BACK TO A CHINLOCK! YOU'VE ONLY GOT TWO MINUTES. IT DIDN'T WORK BEFORE AND IT'S STILL NOT WORKING. TRY, HONKY. FUCKING TRY. Badd tries to rally but gets kneed in the back. He counters some double axe handles, mounts Honky for punches. Shockingly he doesn't bother going for the Badd Day in this position, even though it's literally perfect.

Final minute, Badd is rallying, Kiss That Don't Miss ducked, Honky hits a back suplex. Both men finish the match choking each other and not even bothering to try anything else. A small package comes after the bell, and it's a shitting tie. Kiss That Don't Miss teased again but Honky ducks out because he must not look weak ever.

I hate this shit. Time limit draws that have zero urgency towards the end. Imagine if in WWE Speed, all the matches were just two minutes of chinlocks and one minute of double axe handles. That's a WCW time limit draw.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #533
Johnny B. Badd (c) vs. The Honky Tonk Man
for the WCW World Television Championship
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 23, 1994​

RIP Kevin Sullivan, whose booking made WCW what it was at its peak.

Full disclosure: I diverged from my schedule to do this show and pay respect to a legend. He's involved in a DUD later in this show, but there's another notably negatively received match on Havoc '94. Not by Dave, though, who gave it two stars. No idea why. Remember how I said Honky Donky was difficult to work with in my Starrcade '94 run? Well, here's his only WCW PPV appearance. Let's see if it's true.

Honky comes out to a "Hound Dog" ripoff. Johnny B. Badd comes out with vampire fangs and big pyro sparklers. The Badd Blaster is looking a lot longer and stiffer than usual. Next thing I notice is that Honky is wearing the standard issue "too old for this shit" tights with the single shoulder strap. You know, the sort Jerry Lawler would wear sometimes. He tries to snatch the belt off Nick Patrick, who is too quick.

This starts off as basically a shitty worked boxing match without gloves, in that nothing really happens. Exchange of arm wringers while Bobby Heenan rattles off all his Elvis references in one go. Badd ducks a punch and hits an atomic drop, which Honky sells right on the penis. Honky gets his hair ruffled and stalls on the outside. Sting is apparently on the WCW Hotline for this show. Not wrestling. Both men exchange heats with punches before Honky elbows him down and hits a double axe handle. Then comes the deadly CHINLOCK! We're what, three minutes into this match? Why do you need a rest hold?

Honky sells a shoulderblock that never happens. Badd bounces off Honky and he goes for a ROPE CHOKE! We cut to the crowd where MUHAMMAD ALI IS HERE?? What the hell's he doing watching a dark ages WCW show? Badd gets a sunset flip for two. Honky returns to the chinlock and the announcer says there's five minutes remaining. Oh yeah, this is a TV Title ten-minute match. If that's so, then why is Honky slowing the match down so? Doesn't he want to win? Badd fights back and slams Honky, but misses an elbow drop. Chinlock again! Why are you wasting time, you ageing Elvis impersonator? Honky teases Shake, Rattle 'n Roll, but Badd back body drops him off. He rallies but misses a corner charge.

A Honky pin is stopped because it's on the ropes. Speaking of ropes, Badd gets thrown through them and Honky does seemingly his only move - a double axe handle - to the outside. BACK TO A CHINLOCK! YOU'VE ONLY GOT TWO MINUTES. IT DIDN'T WORK BEFORE AND IT'S STILL NOT WORKING. TRY, HONKY. FUCKING TRY. Badd tries to rally but gets kneed in the back. He counters some double axe handles, mounts Honky for punches. Shockingly he doesn't bother going for the Badd Day in this position, even though it's literally perfect.

Final minute, Badd is rallying, Kiss That Don't Miss ducked, Honky hits a back suplex. Both men finish the match choking each other and not even bothering to try anything else. A small package comes after the bell, and it's a shitting tie. Kiss That Don't Miss teased again but Honky ducks out because he must not look weak ever.

I hate this shit. Time limit draws that have zero urgency towards the end. Imagine if in WWE Speed, all the matches were just two minutes of chinlocks and one minute of double axe handles. That's a WCW time limit draw.

Also: Past his prime and star power Honky Tonk man refuses to put over someone who, at the time, was a up and coming wrestler with a high ceiling.

 

[Chris]

Honky sells a shoulderblock that never happens.

You're just lucky he agreed to a bump at all

 

[Sky]

Entry #534
Kevin Sullivan vs. Dave Sullivan
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 23, 1994​

Okay we're doing this. It's widely acknowledged that, as booker, Kevin Sullivan did a lot to accommodate the new cash cow Hulk Hogan. Apparently, that includes giving Hogan a dyslexic manchild superfan whom Kevin would abuse. That is the Saga of Evad. We've already seen a singles match between these two in this thread, but here's another one that got a DUD from Dave (Meltzer, not Sullivan).

Kevin Sullivan had a cool theme around this time that I don't think has ever been released (edit: found it). This is apparently the debut of I Wanna Be a Hulkamaniac as Dave's theme, but a version sung by children, as opposed to the one with bored adults. Dave rallies to start, hitting the lowest impact back elbow of 1994 to dump Kevin out. They chase around the ring post for some reason and then Kevin takes control. Dave can't even run when he's whipped. He starts no-selling and does turnbuckle bashes. Everything he does looks so shit. Even a trip out the ring by Kevin, he sells horribly. To the outside again where Dave eats ring post.

"There's a lot of people thinking, oh, this is horrible" -Heenan. Yep. Kevin gets a boot up for a corner charge and does a body guillotine. He grabs a Hogan merch bandana and shoves it down Dave's throat, then does the ear cups for a GREAT bit of heeling. He knew what he was doing. But, sadly, it's time for Dave to rally, and he does it with a shit clothesline and a Hogan-esque big boot. Kevin seems to be using Hogan merch as a shield from his brother's actions, but then gets a cheap shot and goes to the outside. Dave eats ring post again, no-sells it, and gets into the ring while Kevin doesn't, winning by count-out.

Dave Sullivan cannot wrestle and this match had a shit finish where Dave no-sold for a ring post.

 

[Sky]

Entry #535
Junkyard Dog vs. Rocky Gibbs
World Championship Wrestling - November 3, 1990​

I've been alerted to this one via my Twitter feed, which took time off from being garbage to show me this, the "Worst Jobber Match Ever". I'll be the judge of that! This one features JYD!

Rocky Gibbs just screams "untrained chubby fuck", doesn't he? He refuses a handshake from JYD, then corners him and does some super low-impact worked punches. JYD dodges a corner charge, to which Rocky responds by... clutching his chest and collapsing? Is he trying to sell having a heart attack, or is he legitimately having one? JYD tries doing things to see if Rocky will respond to them, like stomps or an arm wringer, but he never does. Finally he hits a headbutt (not even the Thump!) for the 1-2-3. Or sort of, because Rocky visibly gets his shoulders up at 1 to bury the established guy. The ref counts the pin, though, for mercy's sake.

Yeah, that guy did not know one thing about wrestling.

 

[Death By Looch]

Dave Sullivan cannot wrestle and this match had a shit finish where Dave no-sold for a ring post.

Look at Dave harnessing Hogan's power even without getting a Hall of Fame ring from him.

 

[Sky]

Entry #536
Tazz/Bradshaw/Faarooq vs. Right to Censor
WWF WrestleMania X-Seven - April 1, 2001​

Okay, now it's time to commit a sacrilege. I'm going to look at WrestleMania X-Seven from a negative standpoint. Believe it or not, even on a legendary show like this, there were three notable down moments, at least depending on whom you ask. This is the first, the second match on the card. A buncha lads face three members of Right to Censor. Sadly, one of them is not Steven Richards. No, we get Val Venis, the Goodfather, and Bull Buchanan on the biggest show of the year.

Richards is about to complain about something when Tazz waddles to the ring as only Tazz can. Jacqueline is here with the APA which is just lovely. Tazz comes in and tosses losers in suits, Jacqueline hits a DDT on Buchanan. Bell finally rings when it's Faarooq and Buchanan out. Buchanan gets a triangle jump corner clothesline but gets slammed. Tazz in and I guess he's the face in peril. Venis hits the Russian legsweep for two. Tazz doesn't seem on his game. Goodfather hits a leg drop and doesn't even bother going for a pin. He uses the [REDACTED] Train but misses so hot tag to Bradshaw. He cleans up. Venis tries to crossbody a larger man. Buchanan attacks Faarooq while Bradshaw hits a top rope back suplex. RTC double up for a powerbomb. Goodfather tries a corner splash but eats a Clothesline from Hell.

Basic stuff, too short and containing too much Sean Morley to be any good.

 

[Rosie]

Probably this was the weakest point of that Mania. From an in-ring standpoint, maybe Chyna/Ivory, but that was more about the "moment" of the heel getting her just desserts with Chyna crushing her. Just a shame what happened after. RIP Chyna.

 

[Sky]

Entry #537
Ivory (c) vs. Chyna
for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF WrestleMania X-Seven - April 1, 2001​

After the Hardcore Triple Threat, Eddie beating Test, and Angle vs. Benoit, all things which greatly please me, we come to the second entry from Mania X-Seven, which earned minus 1 star from Dave! I love how the setup is based on Chyna botching a handspring back elbow and breaking her OWN neck. What's that selling? "Will the champion injure herself again?"

Champ out first, after which Chyna gets her massive bazooka out. Ivory's hugging her title and hiding from Chyna, but then Chyna shoves the ref and eats a belt shot. Ivory's AMAZING offence consists of stomps and wildly swinging her arms around in the hope that she'll hit something. Chyna's selling the neck. Ivory goes for a kick but Chyna grabs the leg and tosses her. Mudhole is stomped. Weak clotheslines, a back body drop, and then a sheer drop powerbomb. Cover, the match should be over, but Chyna lifts Ivory's head up. She wants to win with the gorilla press slam, which she does. Just a shame Chyna hated the idea of wrestling women and quit the company less than two months later.

Was Ivory a trained wrestler?? I thought she was, but she's looked out of her depth in whatever I recently saw of her. Chyna sure wasn't.

 

[Chris]

Ivory had stated before she could barely move in that outfit. That's what I'd say too if I looked like she did during the run but tbf she's never looked that bad otherwise lol