Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

That match would have killed in ECW

 

[Sky]

Entry #521
Stevie Ray (c) vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.
for the WCW Television Championship
WCW Road Wild - August 8, 1998​

Guess it's time to come back to earth with a Stevie Ray match! I've never seen a singles Stevie Ray match I liked! And he's probably just going to murder Chavo here.

Chavo comes out with a horse's head on a stick he calls Pepe. Oh yeah, this was his gimmick, where being around Eddie drove him mental. I think the real sign of insanity here is his outfit, half leather daddy and half Buff Bagwell clone. He also comes out with a letter of power of attorney from Booker T. Oh yeah, it was THIS storyline where Booker got injured and allowed Stevie to defend it on his behalf. He's claiming to be the TV champ because he has a scrap of paper. Crowd doesn't care.

He also wants a handshake. Stevie won't give him one. He then acts like he's about to be attacked by his own hand. Chavo tries to take out Stevie's legs but Stevie just no-sells. Chavo's now running around like a coward. Stevie is selling nothing. Chavo tries to sunset flip a larger man. He pokes the eyes when Stevie has a two-handed choke. Chavo runs away again. At length. Eventually he laps himself and can't avoid Stevie's Slapjack (which he sells as a head drop, more like a Michinoku Driver 1). Stevie shoves the ref and tries to attack Chavo more but Eddie shows up and saves Chavo from a belt shot. Chavo doesn't want Eddie's help.

Yeah that was stupid, wasn't it?

 

[Sky]

Entry #522
Steve McMichael vs. Brian Adams
WCW Road Wild - August 8, 1998​

I needed a bit of a break before our next stop, a Mongo match. After the teased but failed to deliver Rick vs. Scott Steiner, we get Mongo vs. Brian Adams, in a match that can absolutely go nowhere good.

Adams looks more stupid than usual. Mongo always looks stupid. Mongo does a lock-up, backs Adams into the corner, and says "See, that's how a good guy does it!". Evidently not. Test of strength teased but Adams kicks Mongo in the gut and uses a headbutt. Mongo's supposed to duck a clothesline, but doesn't, forgets where he is, then botches a DDT in a way that seems both unimpactful and really dangerous to Adams' neck. Adams has to roll out and not wrestle Mongo for a bit. Mongo goes for a big boot in the corner but Adams catches him and slams him. Adams drops a couple of limbs finishing with a leg drop for two. Next up, the deadly NERVE PINCH. Apparently Rey vs. Psicosis earlier had a lot of these. Maybe that's why Dave only gave it two stars.

Adams clotheslines Mongo out and we get some Vincent interference. Mongo stops selling and is about to go after Vincent but Adams comes in on the attack. Back in the ring, a kneeling backbreaker with delay for two. Adams tries a knee drop from up top but Mongo rolls out. Mongo hits a side slam and takes out Adams' knees. They collide and I have no idea what's going on. Adams tries to get Mongo up for a piledriver but the ref's bumped by his hand brushing Mongo's foot. Adams at least stomps the ref to make it make sense. Vincent grabs a chair as Adams holds Mongo back but You Know How This Spot Goes. Adams loses to a chair to the head and a Tombstone.

I hope I made it clear enough that Steve "Mongo" McMichael was a terrible wrestler.

 

[Sky]

Entry #523
The nWo Invitational Battle Royal
WCW Road Wild - August 8, 1998​

Match five of six we'll be dealing with here is a battle royal! An nWo Invitational Battle Royal! A battle royal where pinfalls and submissions are also legal, because I guess that was just a 1998 thing. So who've we got? Well, on the nWo Hollywood side, we've got...

• Scott Hall
• The Giant
• Curt Hennig
• Scott Norton

Scott Hall cuts a promo, and holy fuck he does not sound sober. I've pretty much forgotten what sober Scott Hall sounds like at this point. He thinks fans want to see nWo Hollywood rather than the Wolfpac or Goldberg. On the nWo Wolfpac side...

• Kevin Nash
• Sting (in lobster-face mode)
• Lex Luger
• Konnan

Nash and Konnan do their really over chants. And then out comes our ninth entrant, the reigning WCW Champion, who isn't putting the belt on the line.. Because the place you're least likely to see a WCW World Title defence is a WCW PPV.

• Goldberg

It begins and... it's like basically every other battle royal. Goldberg and the Giant get a pretty big pop by fighting each other. Nash is giving Hall a boot choke. Eventually it's Hall and Goldberg, and Hall's prepping the Edge but Goldberg back body drops him out. Nash then needlessly eliminates himself to beat on Hall and give Snake Eyes on the apron. My guy, just slide under the ropes. Goldberg spears Hennig. Sting tries to do a sleeper on Giant, and they go to the corner and Giant does the Andre lean-back. Now it's 3 Hollywood guys, 3 Wolfpac guys, and Goldberg just standing around. Giant stands on Sting and Goldberg challenges him. Russian legsweep by Giant.

Hennig tries to eliminate Goldberg but doesn't. It's now Giant vs. Konnan. Sting tries the Scorpion on Hennig but Norton makes the save. Konnan takes the one-two punch of Giant's big boot and Goldberg's spear to go out. Now Goldberg's being dealt with by Hennig and Giant, while Luger and Sting work over Norton in the other corner. Back suplex by Giant. Eventually Giant corners Sting again, and Goldberg spears Hennig again, this time dumping him out. Goldberg then charges into a pileup to tip both Sting and Norton out. Luger turns into a Goldberg spear, and Giant eliminates him.

Then we get to where we wanted to be. Goldberg vs. Giant. Why not just run this instead of wasting time with the battle royal? Giant hits a chokeslam but doesn't bother trying to either pin or eliminate him. Goldberg does the Taker-esque sit-up, and then a spear and his most impressive Jackhammer ever for a three.

That was a long walk for only a short spot. Goldberg/Giant for the title would have been great, wouldn't it?

 

[Sky]

Entry #524
Hollywood Hogan/Eric Bischoff vs. Diamond Dallas Page/Jay Leno
WCW Road Wild - August 8, 1998​

Our main event at Road Wild '98 features Jay Leno. Like, the actual Jay Leno. Because Bischoff fancied himself a talk show host for a while, which led to this non-wrestler tag. I don't remember exactly, it was dumb whatever it was.

Bischoff is billed at 210 pounds which absolutely does not feel right. DDP and Leno are accompanied by band leader Kevin Eubanks (I had to look up who he was). Leno tosses water at Hogan and Bischoff over the ropes. Hogan commandeers a staff member's chair. Leno's greatest weapon is his chin, apparently.

Hogan/DDP to start with, naturally. Standard basic start, lock-ups where Hogan out-powers DDP. After a bit of stalling, an exchange of wristlocks, and then both DDP and Leno slap Hogan. Neckbreaker by DDP and Hogan rests on the outside. DDP grabs Hogan's hair, and Eubanks shoves Hogan into the ring post. DDP roll-up for two. Hogan goes to the corner and instructs the Disciple to deal with Eubanks. Now we get a bit of Hogan heat, which consists of punches and chokes. Bisch in now, and Leno tries to charge Bisch but is held back. The karate fool gets a whip off but DDP gets the boot up in the corner and tags in Leno. Bisch is immediately scared off and brings in Hogan.

Leno dares Hogan to hit him in his prominent chin, and mocks him for being bald. Funny how Hogan doesn't sue Leno. They don't make contact before Hogan brings DDP in. Hogan goes for the eyes and starts to dominate. Hogan gets a wristlock but DDP gets one of his own, which he converts into an armbar. Leno comes in, and wrenches the wristlock. Which Hogan ACTUALLY SELLS. He's selling harder for Jay Leno than he does for most actual wrestlers. Eventually Hogan gets Leno in the corner and resorts to choking. Hogan misses a double axe handle and sells a wristlock AGAIN. Fast tagging, and DDP and Leno come close to botching a double clothesline.

To the outside. Hogan gets a chair but Eubanks steals it, getting a chair shot and allowing DDP to take the edge. Bisch gets a boot up so DDP decks him. He turns into a shot from Hogan off-screen, though. Hogan's going for chokes. DDP bumps like an absolute maniac off a corner clothesline. Bisch comes in with a non-awful cornered beatdown, DDP recovers, and Hogan gets a foreign object from Disciple and uses it while ref is distracted. A further ref distraction allows foreign object usage and corner choking. Hogan hits the big boot, and the leg drop is coming, but DDP fights out and gets the weirdest hot tag ever to JAY LENO!

Now it's Bischoff vs. Leno, and Hogan and DDP are both wiped out. Bisch begs for mercy but goes for the eyes. "He is going to be the Queen of Comedy" -Bisch, before getting his testicles mashed by an uppercut. Leno bashes Bisch around. Hogan comes in to challenge Leno. Bisch holds Leno back so Hogan can take a shot but You Know How This Spot Goes. DDP comes in to dump Hogan out and EUBANKS WITH A DIAMOND CUTTER HOLY FUCK. I can't believe it myself. Leno pins Bischoff to win it. nWo beatdown post-match but Goldberg comes in and spears Hogan and Bischoff. Faces stand tall.

That was a surreal experience. The heat went on WAY too long but it somehow wasn't as disastrous as I expected.

 

[Sky]

Entry #525
The Rock vs. Dan Severn
King of the Ring 1998 Semi-Final Match
WWF King of the RIng - June 28, 1998​

Next stop is King of the Ring '98, which had that famous moment. You know the one. We'll be covering it next match. You may think it's sacrilegious to review such an important moment in history in the bad matches thread, but I must. This match, having earned minus half a star, will be a prelude.

This is quite early Rock, he's not even a year removed from being Rocky Maivia. Godfather and Mark Henry are tossed from ringside right away, We get a clip of Severn splitting open D'Lo Brown's ribs, which is where the chest protector gimmick comes from. Another historic match! Severn goes for an early takedown. He's basically fighting shoot-style, dead-lifting and manhandling Rock everywhere. Rock gets a cheeky back elbow and starts to do basic cornered offence. Severn dodges a corner charge and bars the arm, before transitioning it into a head-and-arm choke. Rock gets a back elbow and downs Severn, stomping him and mocking him. A Rock suplex gets two.

Severn gets some punches to the breadbasket and corners Rock until Rock goes to the eyes. JR on commentary hypes us up for a potential Shamrock/Severn final, which I'm sad we didn't get honestly. Maybe the world wouldn't have been ready. Godfather and Henry show up again and D'Lo comes out of the crowd, wearing the chest protector, and frog splashes Severn while the ref is distracted. Rock's through to the final.

When I saw that Severn offence I was honestly willing to call this a green match, but of course, that couldn't last and we were back to basics and done in under 5 minutes. I do appreciate this match still, because it showed up the Rock as, honestly, a bit lame even at this stage of his career. You can't compete with a man like Severn. You just can not.

 

[Rosie]

The Dan/Rock match is the worst example of a clash of styles.

 

[Sky]

Entry #526
Too Much vs. Al Snow/Head
WWF King of the RIng - June 28, 1998​

Here it is... the match with the moment everyone remembers King of the Ring '98 for. Also, apparently Mean Mark Callous wrestled a homeless looking guy? Eh. Doesn't sound important. Anyway, this is what is allegedly a tag team match, but is really a handicap match. Too Much, first of all, is the team that would become Too Cool, just with less dancing and more implied homosexuality. And we've got a FIRST for this thread, as Head is the first inanimate object to have a match! I know, I'm surprised it wasn't Yoshihiko too.

Snow isn't even afforded the privilege of entrance music. There's a special guest referee... Jerry Lawler! He acts like he's surprised, like all of the other coincidences where he was able to help Brian Christopher. Snow rests Head on the turnbuckle and talks strategy. Up against Scott Taylor (not even Scotty 2 Hotty yet) he sweeps the leg and mounts him from behind for punches. Taylor takes advantage of another discussion with Head to get some punches. He rolls over Snow's back and does a little dance. Snow hits an atomic drop which Taylor sells pretty well. He's no Rick Rude though.

In comes Brian Christopher, who's got no respect for Head. Christopher complains about a phantom hair pull, then actually yanks the hair himself. He learned heeling from his father. Snow tosses Christopher off the top rope, but Taylor trips Snow when he goes up himself. Snow hits a sunset flip but Lawler (as the biased referee) counts slow. Snow tosses both his opponents out and goes to the outside to slam Christopher... then wanders off only to run back with a clothesline. Taylor comes in with a big dive over the ropes to wipe out Snow, which is very cool. Being a proper high flying light heavyweight. You never really see that from him.

Christopher bites Snow's hand to prevent him tagging in Head. Double atomic drop by Too Much, then they are ambiguously gay. The chants are at least more civil than usual, nobody even called anyone a bundle of sticks. Taylor hits a pumphandle suplex, then kips up and moonwalks away, THIS GUY IS AWESOME. Snow hits a wheelbarrow suplex but still can't tag to Head. Too Much are both in to double-team but eat a double-arm DDT. SNOW TAGS HEAD! "Head is the legal man, what the hell am I saying" -JR. Snow Plow, but no count, because HEAD IS LEGAL! HEAD HITS A LOW BLOW ON TAYLOR! Lawler passes something to Christopher, who screws it on to Head... and pins it for the three! It's a bottle of Head and Shoulders! Head had its shoulders down! FANTASTIC.

FUCK YOU DAVE. Rating this minus 2 stars. You clearly hate fun. Green match.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #526
Too Much vs. Al Snow/Head
WWF King of the RIng - June 28, 1998​

Here it is... the match with the moment everyone remembers King of the Ring '98 for. Also, apparently Mean Mark Callous wrestled a homeless looking guy? Eh. Doesn't sound important. Anyway, this is what is allegedly a tag team match, but is really a handicap match. Too Much, first of all, is the team that would become Too Cool, just with less dancing and more implied homosexuality. And we've got a FIRST for this thread, as Head is the first inanimate object to have a match! I know, I'm surprised it wasn't Yoshihiko too.

Snow isn't even afforded the privilege of entrance music. There's a special guest referee... Jerry Lawler! He acts like he's surprised, like all of the other coincidences where he was able to help Brian Christopher. Snow rests Head on the turnbuckle and talks strategy. Up against Scott Taylor (not even Scotty 2 Hotty yet) he sweeps the leg and mounts him from behind for punches. Taylor takes advantage of another discussion with Head to get some punches. He rolls over Snow's back and does a little dance. Snow hits an atomic drop which Taylor sells pretty well. He's no Rick Rude though.

In comes Brian Christopher, who's got no respect for Head. Christopher complains about a phantom hair pull, then actually yanks the hair himself. He learned heeling from his father. Snow tosses Christopher off the top rope, but Taylor trips Snow when he goes up himself. Snow hits a sunset flip but Lawler (as the biased referee) counts slow. Snow tosses both his opponents out and goes to the outside to slam Christopher... then wanders off only to run back with a clothesline. Taylor comes in with a big dive over the ropes to wipe out Snow, which is very cool. Being a proper high flying light heavyweight. You never really see that from him.

Christopher bites Snow's hand to prevent him tagging in Head. Double atomic drop by Too Much, then they are ambiguously gay. The chants are at least more civil than usual, nobody even called anyone a bundle of sticks. Taylor hits a pumphandle suplex, then kips up and moonwalks away, THIS GUY IS AWESOME. Snow hits a wheelbarrow suplex but still can't tag to Head. Too Much are both in to double-team but eat a double-arm DDT. SNOW TAGS HEAD! "Head is the legal man, what the hell am I saying" -JR. Snow Plow, but no count, because HEAD IS LEGAL! HEAD HITS A LOW BLOW ON TAYLOR! Lawler passes something to Christopher, who screws it on to Head... and pins it for the three! It's a bottle of Head and Shoulders! Head had its shoulders down! FANTASTIC.

FUCK YOU DAVE. Rating this minus 2 stars. You clearly hate fun. Green match.

This match was approved by Troy Polamalu.

 

[Chris]

I've always assumed this match was the basis of Head being an unlockable character in WWF Attitude

 

[Chris]

Always crazy to me how long Too Cool teamed before they actually got that gimmick too

 

[Sky]

Entry #527
Al Snow (c) vs. Head
for the WWF Hardcore Championship
WWF Heat - May 9, 1999​

And yet, that wasn't the end of the wrestling career of Head! It had another "match", and this time it's a SINGLES MATCH! The story of this one (which is poorly explained on the night because the mic isn't working) is this: Al Snow beat Hardcore Holly for the hardcore strap. He did it by pinning him with Head. Snow's mental enough to think Head is the actual champion. Snow beat Holly to retain the belt, but Holly stole Head. He is now in referee stripes and is demanding that Snow battle Head. If Snow wins, Holly gets a title match. If Head wins somehow, Holly keeps Head and I guess that makes him the champ too. Huh?? What?? Al Snow probably thought this setup made sense in kayfabe, and Vince Russo thought it made sense out of it.

Snow starts doing moves on Head, including a fucking piledriver. At least I think it's a piledriver. He tosses Head to the outside for some one-man BOTO, bashing Head against the steel steps. In comes a chair for a chair shot to the Head. Later, a table comes in, Snow sets Head up on it, goes for a moonsault, but (1) misses Head, and (2) fails to break the table. He pins Head with his new friend, the deer head. No Head and Shoulders bottle needed. Snow's announced as the "new" champion. So Head was the champion all along? I'm lost.

You know what would have been fun? If Snow actually sold for Head. If he actually acted like Head was hitting him. I mentioned Yoshihiko but now I just want to watch one of those matches.

 

[Sky]

Entry #528
Los Boricuas vs. Disciples of Apocalypse
WWF D-Generation X: In Your House - December 7, 1997​

Since we've just reached the most famous lineup of D-Generation X in the Dynamite vs. Nitro thread, there's no better time to look at the only show that ever bore their name! In 1997, Shawn Michaels was still active and had an okay match against Ken Shamrock. The rest of the card was, shall we say, not stellar. Five matches that fit into this thread, and this is the first. The continuation of Gang Wars, but oopsie, Crush has quit the company over that little mess in Montreal, so it's not a 4-on-4 anymore. Savio Vega's the Boricua sitting this one out, so he's just leaving it to the ones who aren't over! And they're up against Chainz and the Fucking Harris Boys. I can see why no one talks positively about this one.

The Boricuas are rapping. Has a rapping gimmick ever been good? I think R-Truth and that's it. I don't really count John Cena because his style of "rap" is just speaking kind of slowly and in rhyme. DoA come out on bikes. Vega's sent to the back. We start with Chainz and Miguel Perez, and it's fairly even but very basic. Chainz pops over to get some hits in on the Boricuas in the corner. Now 8-Ball (apparently) vs. Jesus Castillo. Crowd only cares about telling Miguel to shave his back. In comes Jose Estrada to take a bit of Harris double-team sequence, with Skull hitting a knee drop for two. JR says WWF encourages free speech in response to the Miguel chants... is that a shot at WCW? Did WCW confiscate signs at this time? No idea.

Harris hits a spinning sidewalk slam for two. Crowd chanting for DoA even though it feels like they're the heels by the structure of this match. Or maybe they're both heels. Jose's using a grounded choke as I type this. Miguel hits a standing moonsault which is nice. He goes off the top but fucks his knee. Jose has a Harris in a headlock, he fights out, but Jesus trips him. A Harris starts no-selling Jesus' shots but a kind of sloppy elbow off the ropes downs him. Jose now has a seated surfboard hold. Once that breaks he does a back elbow. This is just kind of lame.

Out comes Vega who wants to enter the match as a replacement for Miguel, but the racist Tim White won't allow it. Jesus misses a corner charge. Fairly cold hot tag to Chainz who cleans up. He hits a Death Valley Driver on Jose but the ref's too distracted to count the pin. Miguel comes in, he's not hurt at all! He hits a somersault leg drop and puts Jose over Chainz for the dirty win.

Eh. It's not a good match, and not in a fun way either. Made Chainz look kind of weak, but it's Brian Lee so who cares.

 

[Sky]

Entry #529
Marc Mero vs. Butterbean
Toughman Contest
WWF D-Generation X: In Your House - December 7, 1997​

Oh joy. We return to one of the delights of wrestling history: WORKED SHOOTFIGHTS! This, for legal reasons, is not boxing. The Massachusetts Athletics Commission doesn't allow worked boxing matches, which I wish every state would pick up so we never see one again. But they do allow worked TOUGHMAN CONTESTS. Something that looks like boxing, feels like boxing, has rules like boxing, but is not boxing. So it's essentially a boxing match between a legit boxer who doesn't know how to work and a wrestler who can sort of box. Even the Dixie Dogfight is losing sleep over this one. Can it plumb new depths of worked shootfights? Let's see.

Mero steals a fan's "Sable who?" sign. This is much like a legitimate boxing match, in that barely anyone makes any contact and nothing really happens. Butterbean sends Mero outside, and from what I know of boxing rules from Punch-Out, the match should be over right there. Round 1 ends with a clinch and a few punches, but Mero gets a cheap shot just after the break begins.

Round 2 sees Mero get a high knee, which I'm pretty sure isn't legal in toughman contests, let alone in boxing. Mero chokes Butterbean with a bit of wrist tape and now he has some advantage, but Butterbean's just too good. Mero somehow manages to pull off an EYE RAKE in boxing gloves. Round 2 continues with punching at distance. Mero hits a DROPKICK during the break, so Butterbean crashes into a bunch of people to send Mero out. No DQs called at all, despite the ref seeing right there. Apparently Mero's landed far more of his punches than Butterbean has, according to Lawler's stats.

Butterbean starts round 3 by just letting Mero hit him, then throwing some obviously worked punches in the corner. He looks listless at points, as if he doesn't care about being here. Why should he? The Boxers' Hug follows, then Butterbean gets a flurry and knockdown, but Mero is saved by the bell. Butterbean asks for his spit bucket, then pours it on Mero. Ew. Round 4 starts (and ends) with Butterbean knocking Mero down and Mero hitting a low blow, and apparently there are DQs now! Mero smashes Butterbean with a stool and stumbles out to end this farce. Butterbean chases after Mero but doesn't get him.

So boring, so inconsistent, absolutely horrific stuff.

 

[Sky]

Entry #530
The New Age Outlaws (c) vs. The Legion of Doom
for the WWF World Tag Team Championship
WWF D-Generation X: In Your House - December 7, 1997​

We move on now to a match that earned a DUD from Dave, for the Tag Team Titles. The Outlaws took the belts off the O-L-D on RAW recently, and now Hawk and Animal are looking for revenge. Do they get it? I don't know. Does it suck? Probably.

Outlaws cut a promo about the LOD being dinosaurs, then get chased off. And then it happens again. A bunch of staff show up to force the champs to actually have their match. Billy Gunn gets shoved into the steel steps before it begins. We start with Animal vs. Road Dogg, and Animal's using the belt as a weapon right away. Like a true babyface! The LOD are "no-nonsense American originals" according to JR. Hawk hits a dropkick and Dogg is being a coward again. Back in the ring, Hawk wastes no time in starting to no-sell, and hits a sitout neckbreaker.

Gunn comes to converse with Dogg but Hawk comes in with a clothesline off the apron. "Who does he think he is, TAKA Michinoku?" -Lawler. You joke, but back in the LOD's day, that was the highest spot you could get. Hawk puts the Outlaws' heads together and starts beating on Road Dogg back in the ring, with fish-hooking like a true face. Outside again and Dogg eats the announce table. Animal in now, they do the OVW Rope Running Thing until Animal catches a leapfrog and turns it into a powerbomb. Gunn comes in to break up the pin. Animal tosses Dogg outside so Hawk can get some beating in while the ref is distracted. Again: these are the babyfaces. Animal drops Gunn on to the steps again.

The Outlaws try to bail on the match but LOD chase then and do a walk-and-brawl. Ref complains about Animal not being at his corner, so LOD can hit a low blow and cooler box shot on Hawk. A second shot, and the cooler appears to be made of foam. Dogg hits a knee drop for two. He does the Worm in front of Hawk (somewhere Scott Taylor watches and learns). Billy Gunn finally gets in, several minutes into the match. Hawk noticeably only sells when he's been put through an illegal choke beforehand. Chinlock. Then a knee drop that lands right on Hawk's face. Double clothesline, and double down. No hot tag, but a clash of heads in the corner and ANOTHER double down.

Finally we get the hot tag to Animal who starts messing the Outlaws right up. Powerslam for Dogg, then shoulderblocks for both guys. Double corner clothesline by LOD. Ref is distracted while Billy Gunn is trying to pull himself up. Doomsday Device set up, but Henry O. Godwinn shows up with his slop bucket. Hawk drops him, grabs the bucket, and starts hitting the Outlaws with it, finally swinging on the ref for a DQ.

The things that will happen when Hawk doesn't want to lose clean, volume 45: pretend the Godwinns are a legit tag team still. Anyway this was a generic match with a lame finish.