Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

Ivory is a good worker, especially in comparison to most at the time. Just the RTC outfit is not easy to wrestle in.

 

[Chris]

Gives me more respect for Andre Chase

 

[Rosie]

Gives me more respect for Andre Chase

*Chris

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #538
The Gimmick Battle Royal
WWF WrestleMania X-Seven - April 1, 2001​

I'm starting this one with an explanation. I've already said that I don't want to review the Gimmick Battle Royal, to put it on this place along with the worst wrestling the world has ever seen. But... a big thing about this thread is reviewing every match the Observer gave zero stars or worse. This was a DUD from Dave. So here we are. A match I always thought was harmless fun, a celebration of the pre-Attitude WWF in all its hokey glory as we enter a new age, with WCW gone. But one guy didn't like it, and his reviews have become bigger than anyone else's put together. Even mine! So... here we are. We've got the weird but very 80s duo of Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan guest announcing. So who's participating?

• The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch)
• Duke "The Dumpster" Droese
• The Iron Sheik ("by the time he gets to the ring it'll be WrestleMania 38!" -Heenan, and by an amazing coincidence Mania 38 was also in Texas)
• Earthquake
• The Goon
• Doink (Ray Apollo making his return)
• Kamala and Kim Chee (plus Harvey Wippleman, who isn't participating)
• Repo Man
• Jim Cornette
• Nikolai Volkoff
• Michael Hayes
• The One Man Gang (fun fact: he only didn't come out as Akeem because he'd lost weight and the Traditional African Dress was too big for him)
• The Gobbledy Gooker
• Tugboat (what if Sheik Tugboat had happened? That would have been funny)
• Hillbilly Jim (who has his FUCKING THEME DUBBED because the people who produced The Wrestling Album are dicks)
• Brother Love
• Sgt. Slaughter

Everyone's at it before Slaughter's in the ring, and Repo Man is already gone. Tugboat makes a long, long job of dropping Gooker, and is eliminated by Earthquake. Kamala takes out Quake. Kim Chee is gone, so is a Bushwhacker and Cornette. How did Cornette even make it here in a suit and tie?! How did Brother Love?! The other Bushwhacker, the Goon, and Volkoff are out too. So is Doink. Crowd HATES the loss of Doink. Hayes and Gang are out, and Slaughter eliminates Kamala to create the most fever dream final four ever. Prichard's gone, Jim tosses Slaughter, and Sheik removes Jim to win the match (because he physically couldn't take the over-the-top bump). Slaughter puts on the Cobra Clutch to end the segment happy.

My opinion hasn't changed. Not green match-worthy, really short, but good for those nostalgia pops.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #536
Tazz/Bradshaw/Faarooq vs. Right to Censor
WWF WrestleMania X-Seven - April 1, 2001​

Okay, now it's time to commit a sacrilege. I'm going to look at WrestleMania X-Seven from a negative standpoint. Believe it or not, even on a legendary show like this, there were three notable down moments, at least depending on whom you ask. This is the first, the second match on the card. A buncha lads face three members of Right to Censor. Sadly, one of them is not Steven Richards. No, we get Val Venis, the Goodfather, and Bull Buchanan on the biggest show of the year.

Richards is about to complain about something when Tazz waddles to the ring as only Tazz can. Jacqueline is here with the APA which is just lovely. Tazz comes in and tosses losers in suits, Jacqueline hits a DDT on Buchanan. Bell finally rings when it's Faarooq and Buchanan out. Buchanan gets a triangle jump corner clothesline but gets slammed. Tazz in and I guess he's the face in peril. Venis hits the Russian legsweep for two. Tazz doesn't seem on his game. Goodfather hits a leg drop and doesn't even bother going for a pin. He uses the [REDACTED] Train but misses so hot tag to Bradshaw. He cleans up. Venis tries to crossbody a larger man. Buchanan attacks Faarooq while Bradshaw hits a top rope back suplex. RTC double up for a powerbomb. Goodfather tries a corner splash but eats a Clothesline from Hell.

Basic stuff, too short and containing too much Sean Morley to be any good.

Wait... The Valued Allies of LBGTQ+ Vital Educational & NonJudgemental Informational Services wrestled at WrestleMania?

Entry #538
The Gimmick Battle Royal
WWF WrestleMania X-Seven - April 1, 2001​

I'm starting this one with an explanation. I've already said that I don't want to review the Gimmick Battle Royal, to put it on this place along with the worst wrestling the world has ever seen. But... a big thing about this thread is reviewing every match the Observer gave zero stars or worse. This was a DUD from Dave. So here we are. A match I always thought was harmless fun, a celebration of the pre-Attitude WWF in all its hokey glory as we enter a new age, with WCW gone. But one guy didn't like it, and his reviews have become bigger than anyone else's put together. Even mine! So... here we are. We've got the weird but very 80s duo of Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan guest announcing. So who's participating?

• The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch)
• Duke "The Dumpster" Droese
• The Iron Sheik ("by the time he gets to the ring it'll be WrestleMania 38!" -Heenan, and by an amazing coincidence Mania 38 was also in Texas)
• Earthquake
• The Goon
• Doink (Ray Apollo making his return)
• Kamala and Kim Chee (plus Harvey Wippleman, who isn't participating)
• Repo Man
• Jim Cornette
• Nikolai Volkoff
• Michael Hayes
• The One Man Gang (fun fact: he only didn't come out as Akeem because he'd lost weight and the Traditional African Dress was too big for him)
• The Gobbledy Gooker
• Tugboat (what if Sheik Tugboat had happened? That would have been funny)
• Hillbilly Jim (who has his FUCKING THEME DUBBED because the people who produced The Wrestling Album are dicks)
• Brother Love
• Sgt. Slaughter

Everyone's at it before Slaughter's in the ring, and Repo Man is already gone. Tugboat makes a long, long job of dropping Gooker, and is eliminated by Earthquake. Kamala takes out Quake. Kim Chee is gone, so is a Bushwhacker and Cornette. How did Cornette even make it here in a suit and tie?! How did Brother Love?! The other Bushwhacker, the Goon, and Volkoff are out too. So is Doink. Crowd HATES the loss of Doink. Hayes and Gang are out, and Slaughter eliminates Kamala to create the most fever dream final four ever. Prichard's gone, Jim tosses Slaughter, and Sheik removes Jim to win the match (because he physically couldn't take the over-the-top bump). Slaughter puts on the Cobra Clutch to end the segment happy.

My opinion hasn't changed. Not green match-worthy, really short, but good for those nostalgia pops.

I don't care what people say this was arguably the most important match on the card. Literally the only thing that could follow TLC2. It also goes to show that Dave doesn't understand what makes wrestling so good.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #539
Glacier vs. Mortis
WCW Slamboree - May 18, 1997​

Time for a Slamboree! Only two matches of note on this one, as it's a rare WCW PPV that doesn't have dogshit all over the undercard or an interminable main event. This match in the Blood Runs Cold saga was one that Dave dubbed a DUD. Let's see why.

"Glacier! Tonight we send you back to your igloo in a body bag!" shouts James Vandenberg to the camera. Him with Kanyon is just a great combo. Mortis has Glacier cornered and is kicking away even when his entrance snow is still falling. He's targeting the icy boi's knee. Just when I think this is promising, he calls Wrath down for interference. Glacier is on one leg but can somehow do an electric chair drop just fine. He is selling the knee a bit, but he's able to do these moves. It's the same thing that took me out of Bianca vs. Charlotte vs. Asuka. Glacier dumps Mortis out, then Wrath attacks with the staff for a DQ. The two take their turns to attack Glacier (including Mortis sitting on his head and sending it into the stairs) until someone comes out of the crowd for the save. Yes, it's the debut of Ernest "The Cat" Miller! So THAT's why this is considered a bad match.

Anyway, a complete angle on Pay-Per-View for some reason.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #540
Steve McMichael vs. Reggie White
WCW Slamboree - May 18, 1997​

Okay, here's the other match from Slamboree '97. And I cannot help but look in bewilderment at that lineup. NFL player who can't wrestle vs... NFL player who can't wrestle?? I know you may think Mongo's coming along well, WCW, but at least his opponents were mostly trained in wrestling. Now you're putting him against another handegg merchant and expecting it not to stink to high heaven? This got minus 2 stars from Dave. I can tell why.

This is apparently the first battle between Super Bowl champions. Wonder why. Stalling to start and then a lock-up. Mongo gets a brief hammerlock then does the worst star jumps I've ever seen. They do a spot where a headlock leads to a clash of shoulderblocks a couple of times. The third time, Mongo does what is, by his standards, a comedy oversell and goes to the floor. They do three-point stances and Mongo sweeps the leg. Rather than taking advantage, he lets White recover so they can do it again. This time White leapfrogs and Mongo eats turnbuckle. A wild swing of the arm sends Mongo to the outside. He tries to bail with Debra but another handegg guy shows up. Mongo tries to swing the Horsemen briefcase but gets carried back to the ring.

Really high elevation on a dropkick by White for two. Mongo has the arm. "Jesus may have your soul, but I got your ass now" -where did that line come from? How can Mongo write better promos than late-Vince WWE could? Anyway, White fights off and tosses Mongo out again. White works a headlock that leads more empty space than John Cena's STF does, if you can believe that. Mongo clips the knee again and starts working that leg, even putting on an ankle lock for a bit. Mongo misses an elbow and it's time for White to rally. He does that with a crossbody for two. Then the DEADLY DOUBLE NERVE PINCH! If even wrestlers can't make that one look effective, what chance do NFL players have? Mongo gets a cheeky mule kick to White's nads.

Back to working the right leg for Mongo, I guess. He gets a single leg crab that forces a rope break. He then goes for turnbuckle bashes that White blocks, and he has to take advantage of the knee again. Figure Four teased but White uses the good leg to boot him out. Now he's going up top but White tosses him off. It's like I'm really watching a Ric Flair match! After a bit of an exchange White clotheslines Mongo down. Inverted atomic drop that doesn't look like it lands, then out we go for a bit of BOTO! Next, they struggle for a suplex but White hits it on Mongo. Debra's distracting the ref so no pin. Mongo gets the Horsemen briefcase but Other Handegg Guy stops him. So Mongo tells the ref that this guy was trying to hit him... which distracts the ref so Jeff Jarrett can show up with another briefcase! One shot later, Mongo wins.

Not gonna lie... I liked that finish. However, the rest of the match was horrid. 15 whole minutes of nothing.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #540
Steve McMichael vs. Reggie White
WCW Slamboree - May 18, 1997​

Okay, here's the other match from Slamboree '97. And I cannot help but look in bewilderment at that lineup. NFL player who can't wrestle vs... NFL player who can't wrestle?? I know you may think Mongo's coming along well, WCW, but at least his opponents were mostly trained in wrestling. Now you're putting him against another handegg merchant and expecting it not to stink to high heaven? This got minus 2 stars from Dave. I can tell why.

This is apparently the first battle between Super Bowl champions. Wonder why. Stalling to start and then a lock-up. Mongo gets a brief hammerlock then does the worst star jumps I've ever seen. They do a spot where a headlock leads to a clash of shoulderblocks a couple of times. The third time, Mongo does what is, by his standards, a comedy oversell and goes to the floor. They do three-point stances and Mongo sweeps the leg. Rather than taking advantage, he lets White recover so they can do it again. This time White leapfrogs and Mongo eats turnbuckle. A wild swing of the arm sends Mongo to the outside. He tries to bail with Debra but another handegg guy shows up. Mongo tries to swing the Horsemen briefcase but gets carried back to the ring.

Really high elevation on a dropkick by White for two. Mongo has the arm. "Jesus may have your soul, but I got your ass now" -where did that line come from? How can Mongo write better promos than late-Vince WWE could? Anyway, White fights off and tosses Mongo out again. White works a headlock that leads more empty space than John Cena's STF does, if you can believe that. Mongo clips the knee again and starts working that leg, even putting on an ankle lock for a bit. Mongo misses an elbow and it's time for White to rally. He does that with a crossbody for two. Then the DEADLY DOUBLE NERVE PINCH! If even wrestlers can't make that one look effective, what chance do NFL players have? Mongo gets a cheeky mule kick to White's nads.

Back to working the right leg for Mongo, I guess. He gets a single leg crab that forces a rope break. He then goes for turnbuckle bashes that White blocks, and he has to take advantage of the knee again. Figure Four teased but White uses the good leg to boot him out. Now he's going up top but White tosses him off. It's like I'm really watching a Ric Flair match! After a bit of an exchange White clotheslines Mongo down. Inverted atomic drop that doesn't look like it lands, then out we go for a bit of BOTO! Next, they struggle for a suplex but White hits it on Mongo. Debra's distracting the ref so no pin. Mongo gets the Horsemen briefcase but Other Handegg Guy stops him. So Mongo tells the ref that this guy was trying to hit him... which distracts the ref so Jeff Jarrett can show up with another briefcase! One shot later, Mongo wins.

Not gonna lie... I liked that finish. However, the rest of the match was horrid. 15 whole minutes of nothing.

To be fair when you said an inverted atomic drop that doesn't look like it lands... I'm 39 and I don't recall ever in my life seeing an inverted atomic drop that looks like it lands. Stupidest move. Also if it lands why isn't the guy disqualified for a low blow?

 

[Emb]

Best match involving Steve McMichael was the tag from Great American Bash 1996.

 

[Storm Trooper]

I just added a match to the request pool...

Honestly think it has a chance to go be a Green match... But recent conversation in the VIP forum made me think about it so I had to add it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

I'll be honest: I'm burnt out, pretty badly. I felt the constant need to rush down every single "bad match" because the Network's disappearance might mean some of these matches are straight up lost, but now I don't feel up to doing it anymore. I guess this means we're on hiatus for a while

 

[Rosie]

I'll be honest: I'm burnt out, pretty badly. I felt the constant need to rush down every single "bad match" because the Network's disappearance might mean some of these matches are straight up lost, but now I don't feel up to doing it anymore. I guess this means we're on hiatus for a while

I get'cha. Watch some anime, or good wrestling.

 

[Chris]

I get'cha. Watch some anime, or good wrestling.

I just recently started One Piece from the beginning so that'll keep me occupied for a few years

 

[Storm Trooper]

I'll be honest: I'm burnt out, pretty badly. I felt the constant need to rush down every single "bad match" because the Network's disappearance might mean some of these matches are straight up lost, but now I don't feel up to doing it anymore. I guess this means we're on hiatus for a while

I understand all too well and I'm glad you're taking a break.

If a bad match goes away because of the Network going away that just means it wasn't worth your time.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #532
The Undertaker vs. Jeff Jarrett
WWF D-Generation X: In Your House - December 7, 1997​

Why was that on PPV?

To advance the Undertaker/Kane storyline