Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

Ivory is a good worker, especially in comparison to most at the time. Just the RTC outfit is not easy to wrestle in.

 

[Chris]

Gives me more respect for Andre Chase

 

[Rosie]

Gives me more respect for Andre Chase

*Chris

 

[Sky]

Entry #538
The Gimmick Battle Royal
WWF WrestleMania X-Seven - April 1, 2001​

I'm starting this one with an explanation. I've already said that I don't want to review the Gimmick Battle Royal, to put it on this place along with the worst wrestling the world has ever seen. But... a big thing about this thread is reviewing every match the Observer gave zero stars or worse. This was a DUD from Dave. So here we are. A match I always thought was harmless fun, a celebration of the pre-Attitude WWF in all its hokey glory as we enter a new age, with WCW gone. But one guy didn't like it, and his reviews have become bigger than anyone else's put together. Even mine! So... here we are. We've got the weird but very 80s duo of Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan guest announcing. So who's participating?

• The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch)
• Duke "The Dumpster" Droese
• The Iron Sheik ("by the time he gets to the ring it'll be WrestleMania 38!" -Heenan, and by an amazing coincidence Mania 38 was also in Texas)
• Earthquake
• The Goon
• Doink (Ray Apollo making his return)
• Kamala and Kim Chee (plus Harvey Wippleman, who isn't participating)
• Repo Man
• Jim Cornette
• Nikolai Volkoff
• Michael Hayes
• The One Man Gang (fun fact: he only didn't come out as Akeem because he'd lost weight and the Traditional African Dress was too big for him)
• The Gobbledy Gooker
• Tugboat (what if Sheik Tugboat had happened? That would have been funny)
• Hillbilly Jim (who has his FUCKING THEME DUBBED because the people who produced The Wrestling Album are dicks)
• Brother Love
• Sgt. Slaughter

Everyone's at it before Slaughter's in the ring, and Repo Man is already gone. Tugboat makes a long, long job of dropping Gooker, and is eliminated by Earthquake. Kamala takes out Quake. Kim Chee is gone, so is a Bushwhacker and Cornette. How did Cornette even make it here in a suit and tie?! How did Brother Love?! The other Bushwhacker, the Goon, and Volkoff are out too. So is Doink. Crowd HATES the loss of Doink. Hayes and Gang are out, and Slaughter eliminates Kamala to create the most fever dream final four ever. Prichard's gone, Jim tosses Slaughter, and Sheik removes Jim to win the match (because he physically couldn't take the over-the-top bump). Slaughter puts on the Cobra Clutch to end the segment happy.

My opinion hasn't changed. Not green match-worthy, really short, but good for those nostalgia pops.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #536
Tazz/Bradshaw/Faarooq vs. Right to Censor
WWF WrestleMania X-Seven - April 1, 2001​

Okay, now it's time to commit a sacrilege. I'm going to look at WrestleMania X-Seven from a negative standpoint. Believe it or not, even on a legendary show like this, there were three notable down moments, at least depending on whom you ask. This is the first, the second match on the card. A buncha lads face three members of Right to Censor. Sadly, one of them is not Steven Richards. No, we get Val Venis, the Goodfather, and Bull Buchanan on the biggest show of the year.

Richards is about to complain about something when Tazz waddles to the ring as only Tazz can. Jacqueline is here with the APA which is just lovely. Tazz comes in and tosses losers in suits, Jacqueline hits a DDT on Buchanan. Bell finally rings when it's Faarooq and Buchanan out. Buchanan gets a triangle jump corner clothesline but gets slammed. Tazz in and I guess he's the face in peril. Venis hits the Russian legsweep for two. Tazz doesn't seem on his game. Goodfather hits a leg drop and doesn't even bother going for a pin. He uses the [REDACTED] Train but misses so hot tag to Bradshaw. He cleans up. Venis tries to crossbody a larger man. Buchanan attacks Faarooq while Bradshaw hits a top rope back suplex. RTC double up for a powerbomb. Goodfather tries a corner splash but eats a Clothesline from Hell.

Basic stuff, too short and containing too much Sean Morley to be any good.

Wait... The Valued Allies of LBGTQ+ Vital Educational & NonJudgemental Informational Services wrestled at WrestleMania?

Entry #538
The Gimmick Battle Royal
WWF WrestleMania X-Seven - April 1, 2001​

I'm starting this one with an explanation. I've already said that I don't want to review the Gimmick Battle Royal, to put it on this place along with the worst wrestling the world has ever seen. But... a big thing about this thread is reviewing every match the Observer gave zero stars or worse. This was a DUD from Dave. So here we are. A match I always thought was harmless fun, a celebration of the pre-Attitude WWF in all its hokey glory as we enter a new age, with WCW gone. But one guy didn't like it, and his reviews have become bigger than anyone else's put together. Even mine! So... here we are. We've got the weird but very 80s duo of Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan guest announcing. So who's participating?

• The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch)
• Duke "The Dumpster" Droese
• The Iron Sheik ("by the time he gets to the ring it'll be WrestleMania 38!" -Heenan, and by an amazing coincidence Mania 38 was also in Texas)
• Earthquake
• The Goon
• Doink (Ray Apollo making his return)
• Kamala and Kim Chee (plus Harvey Wippleman, who isn't participating)
• Repo Man
• Jim Cornette
• Nikolai Volkoff
• Michael Hayes
• The One Man Gang (fun fact: he only didn't come out as Akeem because he'd lost weight and the Traditional African Dress was too big for him)
• The Gobbledy Gooker
• Tugboat (what if Sheik Tugboat had happened? That would have been funny)
• Hillbilly Jim (who has his FUCKING THEME DUBBED because the people who produced The Wrestling Album are dicks)
• Brother Love
• Sgt. Slaughter

Everyone's at it before Slaughter's in the ring, and Repo Man is already gone. Tugboat makes a long, long job of dropping Gooker, and is eliminated by Earthquake. Kamala takes out Quake. Kim Chee is gone, so is a Bushwhacker and Cornette. How did Cornette even make it here in a suit and tie?! How did Brother Love?! The other Bushwhacker, the Goon, and Volkoff are out too. So is Doink. Crowd HATES the loss of Doink. Hayes and Gang are out, and Slaughter eliminates Kamala to create the most fever dream final four ever. Prichard's gone, Jim tosses Slaughter, and Sheik removes Jim to win the match (because he physically couldn't take the over-the-top bump). Slaughter puts on the Cobra Clutch to end the segment happy.

My opinion hasn't changed. Not green match-worthy, really short, but good for those nostalgia pops.

I don't care what people say this was arguably the most important match on the card. Literally the only thing that could follow TLC2. It also goes to show that Dave doesn't understand what makes wrestling so good.