Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Skyefire]

The Gimmick Battle Royal wasn't meant to be taken seriously. I thought it was fun and a good buffer between serious matches. The Ivory vs Chyna match kinda worked as far as storyline goes. Yeah, they could have put a bit more time into it and given Ivory some offense. One odd thing about that match was that it was put on the WWE Best of the Women's Division DVD as a representation of Ivory. Really doesn't make sense why they would do that. They didn't have a profile of Chyna on the DVD which is also something they should have done.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #541
The Junkyard Hardcore Invitational
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 11, 1999​

Decided I'd crank out another bad match, and one I've been kind of putting off for a while to do some unremarkable "minus 2 star" WCW borefests. This is a straight up bad idea! A match in a junkyard set, with all the guys that WCW had nothing for and hoped would fill out the upcoming Hardcore Division (which wouldn't happen for several months). Which guys? Well, they called it "unsanctioned" so they had no idea, in kayfabe, who'd be showing up. Fans had a pretty good idea, though. The usual suspects.

• Brian Knobbs
• Ciclope
• Dave Taylor
• Fit Finlay
• Hak
• Horace Hogan
• Hugh Morrus
• Jerry Flynn
• Johnny Grunge
• La Parka
• Mikey Whipwreck
• Rocco Rock
• Silver King
• Steven Regal

The usual suspects, and some luchadors. Because god forbid you let luchadors have a good match, you've got to make time for David Flair! A vignette shows this was Hak's idea. He challenges Knobbs and Morrus (who were in this match) as well as Bam Bam Bigelow and Raven (who both had better things to do).

An airhorn starts the match and it immediately becomes clear why this was a bad idea. This match was shot in the dark. And the main camera angles are a shaky camera on the ground and a wide shot with a helicopter (with artificially added camera static for no reason). Which means it's going to be really hard to tell who's who. There's flaming garbage cans. The Public Enemy (who are treated as a surprise appearance) shove a car off a stack for no reason whatsoever. Not like there's even any wrestlers under it, nor does it create a barrier. Knobbs clatters I think it's Silver King into some tyres. Now they're on top of a car, and Jerry Flynn tries to electrify said car, but the gimmick to make the sparks fly doesn't work until Flynn takes it OFF! Silver King misses a senton bomb on a Transit van.

La Parka is in a checked shirt for some reason, getting beaten with a ladder. Regal looks so out of place. Finlay's smacking Horace with junk. Hak took a nut shot at some point. Jimmy Hart is in the back for some reason, watching this happen and talking shit on an upturned car. Morrus misses an elbow drop and lands on a car. Knobbs breaks some bodywork over Parka's back. I feel ill. Did Kevin Dunn film this match? They do a dive-catch spot, with I think Ciclope doing the dive, that looks somehow even more fake than usual. Only Dave Taylor is fighting for like 20 seconds before the dive happens, the rest of the guys are just holding on to each other.

Bin lids being used, as if that doesn't happen in every hardcore match already. Whipwreck gets tossed into some ungimmicked windscreen glass and no one even says "cry me a river". It was a different time. Parka brought his signature chair along, as it turns out. Johnny Grunge gets thrown into what appears to be a "happy birthday" sign. Why is that in a junkyard? Morrus fucks up his shoulder on a car's front. So many people must have come out of this with injuries. Knobbs uses a tyre to incapacitate Dave Taylor and beat on him. Finlay tries and fails to break a car part over Knobbs. Rock smashes Horace into the fence and is somehow first to make a break for it, but Horace eventually manages to drag him down. "Only in WCW would you see this" -Heenan. That's a good thing.

There's a giant wall of fire on the outside for some reason. Taylor is stuck in a tyre again. Hak stumbles around drunkenly amid a fight between him, Knobbs, and Finlay. He stuffs Finlay into the boot of a car and calls in a forklift to take it to the crusher, but Finlay escapes before the forklift arrives. We still get a car crusher spot... but the car doesn't get crushed, because the crusher stops and lights on fire. Finlay tips over one of the flaming bins, making a car that's nowhere near it explode. I'm guessing he poured out a bunch of petrol, but we didn't see that, did we? Anyway, Finlay gets over the fence, which apparently makes him the winner.

God damn, what was the point of that? Bunch of lads, running around, getting hurt, doing shitty special effects, and in the end Finlay climbed over something. All it did was hurt dudes.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #542
Dustin Rhodes vs. The Blacktop Bully
King of the Road Match
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 1995​

Go on, then. One more famous dumb match in an outdoor setting. Dustin Rhodes and Barry Darsow rolling about in a lorry's steel cage trailer full of hay. This can't end well.

The object is apparently to blow a horn at the front of the trailer. "They're moving at 55 miles per hour" -Heenan, while they're almost at a stop. Dustin has to act like he can't climb while he waits for Darsow to come in and give him a nut shot. Back they go, stumbling all the way. It's a typical WCW cage match, if it were on the road. As in: they're bashing each other against the cage. Both seem to want to climb out, but change their mind. Dustin hits Darsow with a plank or something, while he's dangling one leg over the side. Good thing he didn't fall the other way. Piledriver on the HAY! Now Dustin seems to be tossing hay! He picks up a whole bale, with more difficulty than it takes most wrestlers to lift steel steps.

Darsow's using a rope. During the next shot, he's notably bladed, but they're choosing their shots to avoid showing that. Dustin throws what is apparently petrol at him. The camera on the back is failing, and this time it's not deliberate. Back suplex by Dustin. Darsow's close but the lorry makes a turn and he trips. There's so many far shots and shots from behind. And anything where they have to show these guys' faces is darkened. Because they've both bled. Something falls off the back and makes sparks. This is a genuine highlight. The sun sets, and then un-sets in a wide shot. Schiavone calls this "grueling", which is accurate.

Dustin throws a trough. We come to a stop sign and a block of traffic. We're being stopped by a CHURCH BUS! We then lose signal for a bit, which was absolutely added in post. Because as if it weren't obvious, this is pre-recorded. Dustin crotches Darsow on the edge of the trailer. Sun is no longer setting somehow. "Microwave interference" happens again. Dustin almost honks the horn but is thwarted. Darsow misses a punch. This isn't even walk and brawl anymore. Stumble and bawl. Darsow tosses a pot of what I think is meant to be petrol but probably is just water. Both men reaching for the horn, the lorry comes to a stop, Darsow pokes the eyes to drop Dustin off and honks the horn.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER, as by the time you see this both men AND the agent have already been fired because there was blood. On an "uncensored" show. Absolute shite.

 

[Emb]

I think Dustin could have been a main eventer in WCW if they didn't sign Hogan.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

I think Dustin could have been a main eventer in WCW if they didn't sign Hogan.

I imagine that's the case. It's pretty well documented that was also the case for Austin, who was earmarked for a big push until "sorry, got to make room for Hogan's friends, have a 30 second loss to Jim Duggan and have your creative ideas rejected by Bischoff because Hogan allegedly doesn't like you"

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #543
The Undertaker vs. Heidenreich
Casket Match
WWE Royal Rumble - January 30, 2005​

I chose to do this match, then I checked the rankings - and shockingly, I haven't done a Heidenreich match yet. I've done handfuls of matches involving great workers like Rey Mysterio, Norman Smiley, Randy Savage, but no Heidenreich at all. Let's rectify that. The story of this is that Undertaker is being put against Paul Heyman's new toy. Who's scared of caskets. Which, I recall, was the story of Taker vs. Yokozuna back in 1994. Looks like Cornette's seven-year rule is proven right again.

The casket gets its own entrance, complete with spooky blue lights and druids giving the bemused crowd a plainsong concert. It lasts 2:11. Adding that to the 2:56 that Taker's actual entrance gets, that's over 5 minutes of spook. Taker works a headlock so he can force Heidenreich to look at the casket. He then works the arm and drags Heidenreich to the casket for the same reason. Got to admit, the story's dumb, but that makes sense for the dumb story. On the other hand, Heidenreich does a headlock for the sake of a headlock. Then a half crab, positioned so Heidenreich's best source of a rope break is the side of the ring next to the casket! That's actually cool. I hate saying that about a Heidenreich match.

Anyway Heidenreich rolls out and we're on the outside. Taker whipped into the casket, and Heidenreich faces his fear to do some 2000-style face bashes. His idea of making punches seem effective is to shout with every one. "MY WORLD" shouts Heidenreich in the corner. So Taker gives him a triangle choke. Heidenreich is about to be KO'd but SNITSKY comes out and beats down Taker! Crowd's chanting for Kane (whose foetus Snitsky killed recently). The two useless big men whack Taker and drag him to the casket, but Kane's here and he's cleaning up! Kane and Snitsky to the crowd!

Heidenreich is, for no real reason, wheeling the casket away from the ring. Taker follows him and now we're in maximum BOTO mode. Taker goes knee first into the steel steps. Heidenreich strips the floor... but it's not to drop Taker on the concrete floor, it's to run him over with the casket! That's actually a sick spot. Back in the ring Heidenreich struggles to put on a cobra clutch. Taker looks out, and he's being rolled into the casket, but he gets the arm up to save himself. He then sandwiches Heidenreich's head in the casket and LEG DROPS THE FUCKING LID HOLY SHIT. What the actual fuck, that's such a nasty looking spot.

Heidenreich counters the chokeslam attempt and hits the Disasterpiece (Boss Man Slam but he lands on his knees making it look shit). He tries to pin Taker, totally forgetting the rules, which makes zero sense because he's tried to use the casket before. Taker saves himself and fights out. He hits a DDT which Heidenreich takes absolutely awfully. Chokeslam, Tombstone, Heidy's in the casket. This was meant to build to Brothers of Destruction vs. Heidy and Snitsky at Mania but they realised the heels couldn't wrestle so they killed that one off.

Honestly, it's a green match. I didn't know I'd say that about a match with Heidenreich, but it was actively improved by not having him wrestle that much. I was a fan of the shenanigans and the casket-based spots.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #544
Booker T vs. Heidenreich
WWE No Way Out - February 20, 2005​

After the Taker/Kane vs. Big Dudes feud was paid off on a house show, Heidy moved on to Booker T. This is the feud that would be the impetus for the rapist poet to turn babyface, which is a sentence you can only say about 2005 WWE. I swear this company was losing its mind before Cena and Batista got their belts. But that's for later. For now, we get a match that earned minus 1 Dave star. Let's get right into it.

HEI DEN HEIDENREICH. HEI DEN REICH. Such a shit theme and I LOVE it. He reads a poem that gets mercilessly WHATted. I hate that fucking chant. Even if Heidenreich sucks. Into the corner early, and Heidy initiates a feeling-out. He throws some hands while ranting to himself, hitting an overhand right. Booker takes control with a side kick and does BOOKAH things. Heidy gets a back elbow and Booker rolls out. Heidy's face goes into the steel steps. Then, back in the ring, Booker gets a kick for two. Heidy takes control and Booker spins in mid-air off a clothesline.

Booker goes shoulder-first into the ring post, so Heidy can work that arm. And bite it a bit. He gets a big boot for a two-count. Booker tries to fight back, and gets a spinebuster outtanowhere. Booker isn't really selling his arm when he's blocking Heidy's punches. Big kick by Booker and then a Spinaroonie. I miss when that was a dodge and not a taunt. Heidy dodges the scissors kick and fights out of a Book End attempt. Booker sends Heidy outside. On the outside he chairs Booker in the throat for the DQ. He then demands the ref count a pin. What a dumbass. He considers climbing the frame in the entranceway but decides against it.

A non-match with a non-finish. On PPV.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #545
Orlando Jordan (c) vs. Heidenreich
for the WWE United States Championship
WWE Judgment Day - May 22, 2005​

And yet they KEPT TRYING with this big meathead. Admittedly this was his first PPV match since the Booker T incident, but why give him another PPV match? Especially against Orlando Jordan of all people. Neither of these guys is any good. Minus 1 star from Dave, let's see how it earns it.

Champ out first. Both of these entrances are like a funeral. Heidenreich has a weird signature walk. He calls for a new "friend" - a little girl from the crowd - and reads a poem where he gets a cheap pop by mentioning Minneapolis. He's such a weird choice for a babyface, but it's.... working? Match starts on the outside with OJ beating on the big fuck and then taking him into the corner. Girl from the crowd is looking distraught. Heidy catches OJ sitting on the top rope, gets kicked in the head, but does a (really sloppy) powerslam outtanowhere for two. OJ trips Heidy out and shit-talks the girl before getting punched. Back in the ring OJ takes control with a forearm and hits a back suplex for two,

Chinlock because this match has no identity other than being A Match. "Buckwheat sucks" chant. Heidy starts to no-sell! He's Heidenreiching up! He's hitting shitty punches and shouting for every one! Power offence ends in a big boot for a close two. Heidy goes for a back body drop but gets kicked in the face and eats a swinging neckbreaker for a two-count. OJ taunts but gets rolled up for two. Heidy gets tripped and eats a shitty looking DDT so OJ retains. Little girl comes in to comfort Heidy and they do the Heidenreich Walk together.

Gonna say this: I think Heidenreich would have been a top guy if he could work worth a damn. He had the look, he could be an unhinged babyface AND an unhinged heel. He's basically a Sid for the mid-2000s. Just a shame that he was somehow even worse in the ring than the original, huh?

 

[Chris]

04/05 Smackdown PPVs are so bad lmao

 

[Rosie]

Heidenrich becoming part of your boy stable!?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Heidenrich becoming part of your boy stable!?

I didn't see it coming either but... if that guy could wrestle for shit he'd be great. So yeah, boy stable

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #546
The Undertaker vs. Big Show
Punjabi Prison Match
WWE The Great American Bash - July 23, 2006​

On the subject of bad ideas in the Ruthless Aggression era, it's this stip. Taker and the Great Khali were feuding, which led to the debut of this vision-obscuring bamboo mess. And then the dreaded Elevated Liver Enzymes struck, Teddy Long switched things up, so now Taker's opponent is the ECW Champion, Extreme Paul! At his slowest and fattest! 2006 was a bad year. Minus 1 star from Dave, gee I wonder why?

Show is acting all scared of a bunch of bamboo. Taker Entrance Watch for all of you stopwatch lovers: 4 minutes, 36 seconds. He does a lap around the Internal Structure. Show cuts off the entrance by giving us his best offence, which is mostly forearm clubs. Taker does manage to fight back though. Show bashes Taker against the furniture. Taker takes out the legs. He's trying to forego the doors, climbing the inner cage, but is thwarted by Razor Sharp Spikes. Taker's undead! Why does he fear those? They're now on the corner and apparently there's leather straps on the structure, just so Show can choke Taker with one. Both men are visibly (and AUDIBLY) gassed already.

Show hits a running (strolling) clothesline. Taker fights back and ass-bumps Show a couple of times into the inner cage. Show teases a chokeslam but Taker bundles him over with a DDT. We're seven minutes in and it feels like seventy. Taker calls for the door, and as you should know by this point, there's one minute of scrapping at the door and no one gets out of it. Show takes off one of the leather straps and uses it to whip and choke. He then strips a turnbuckle. Taker hits a Pounce on Show. He's about to go Old School but Show tosses him down. Show calls for the second door but he's so slow that Taker can stop him. More fighting on the door, and no one gets through it, even after a successful chokeslam. Yawn. Show bitches at the ref that he was RIGHT THERE.

Taker gets driven into the stripped turnbuckle and does the smoothest, stealthiest blade job I've ever (not) seen. "Big Show sucks" chants, to which the commentary calls attention, not realising they're in the same vein as "Rocky sucks" or "X-Pac sucks". Show goes climbing but Taker hits him in his balls. Superplex by Taker. I wish that had collapsed the ring so we didn't have to see more of this. Taker calls for the third door and escapes from it. Taker tries to climb the outer cage but kicks it instead for some reason. Show escapes through Door Four. For some reason there's a Punjabi table out here. Show sets it up and whips Taker through it. Every second drags.

Show puts Taker BACK IN the still-open Door Four, and now Taker's locked away. Groan. Taker manages to climb over the Razor Sharp Spikes easily, though. You're telling me you could have ended this shit in minute three?? Taker monkey-bars between the cages, grabs a rope, and swings off it to kick Show down. He then leg drops Show through another table. Show's bleeding now, and Taker's putting him into furniture. Khali and Daivari out through the crowd. Taker hits a crossbody on Big Show, through the cage... they break it! Through what appears to be a giant hinged gate! Taker's declared the winner, even though Show was through the cage with his feet on the floor first. First the 2000 Rumble, now this! #JusticeForBigShow

Anyway, this was a depressingly slow slog. Fuck it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #547
Batista (c) vs. The Great Khali
Punjabi Prison Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
WWE No Mercy - October 7, 2007​

And yet they did this shit again! They made the structure, so they've got to use it. Plus, you might as well give Khali one opportunity to compete in his so-called Signature Match. Actually, no, you might as well not. He's absolutely awful.

According to Michael Cole, the Punjabi Prison was actually constructed in a Punjabi prison. Must have been a nightmare to get on a flight. Match starts like the last one did, with Khali attacking Batista as he enters. Batista's got to bump for those brain chops. Khali gets put in the Andre the Giant tied-in-the-ropes spot early, but he gets the boot up. Khali topples Batista with a choke and calls for door number one... and as we know with this match, the next minute is fighting against the door with no one escaping. Khali's doing... uh... something against the corner. Punjabi Plunge teased, Batista fights out, but eats a big boot. Apparently Ranjin Singh has been praying to the "most evil of Hindu gods". That's not how Hinduism works.

Khali misses a leg drop and eats a spear. Batista calls for the second door Sweet Fucking Jesus it's just the same spots again. Khali does the chest clubs against the ropes. Like Sheamus but shit. Batista's being choked against the cage wall. He's then being choked by the ropes that hold up the doors. Leather strap time. Khali calls for the third door. Batista hits a spinebuster but can't capitalise. He starts climbing the inner cage, Khali follows and is on the turnbuckle... Batista Bomb teased but Khali fights off with punches. Vise grip applied. Khali calls for the fourth door but doesn't notice Batista punching him in his cock. Fourth door opened, Batista slowly crawls but Khali stops him by slamming the door on his spine.

Guess they've got to climb now. Khali starts doing it but Batista trips him and Khali fucks his knee on the rope. He still manages to climb the ropes and drag Batista down. Khali's climbed over the inside cage, climbs down, and goes to the outside cage. Batista climbs after him and gets an advantage by jumping between the cages for a shockingly good pop. What if he'd slipped? That would have been fucked. Batista out-climbs Khali and escapes to win.

The peak of Punjabi Prison matches... which still only makes it a DUD. The only PP match with an actual finish, too.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #548
Candice Michelle (c) vs. Beth Phoenix
for the WWE Women's Championship
WWE No Mercy - October 7, 2007​

Going to do a couple more from No Mercy, as it leads in to what I REALLY wanted to talk about today. But first, some token Diva-era suckage. Less sucky than usual, though, as it's featuring Beth Phoenix.

Candice is out in an angel-inspired robe. Beth starts out overpowering Candice early and tossing her about. Candice floats over in the corner and makes a really sloppy attempt to do a bridging pin. Crowd wants puppies. Candice dodges a corner charge and unleashes some kicks for two. The gulf in quality, in smoothness, is so obvious. Candice tries to crossbody a larger woman. Beth locks the head and arm, Candice tries to do that thing where she goes off the corner into a front cutter pin but she botches and falls backwards. She breaks the submission by charging into the corner, screaming all the way.

Everything Candice does looks like shit, including a kick that doesn't hit Beth at all. She finally succeeds in hitting a crossbody for two. Beth is doing the thing where she catches Candice and goes into the corner but Candice deadweights her so she just stumbles into the corner. Sunset flip for two. Beth hits a backbreaker and the Flying Phoenix Suplex to win it and she's so happy to win it. She promos about having won the previous match while not being a supermodel.

How the fuck was Candice Michelle on PPV? How did she stay employed? Genuine botch machine.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #549
Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield
Boxing Match
WWE Saturday Night's Main Event XXXV - August 18, 2007​

Okay, this still isn't what I'm talking about, but it's on the same show as the thing I'm talking about. But once again... worked boxing matches are never good. Let's see how never good this one is. This was meant to be Matt Hardy vs. MVP but that was stopped by MVP's heart condition. Good thing Benoit died when he did, because the mandatory Wellness Policy checkups might have saved MVP's life.

MVP gets his own full entrance. And they got MICHAEL BUFFER in for this! I'm having flashbacks to shitty WCW matches. MVP makes Buffer announce him even though he isn't in the match. Only Matt gets headgear, which if I know my "Every Rule Violation In Punch-Out" videos, isn't allowed. Holyfield dominates easily, as you'd expect. He gets a knockdown in the first minute, and then another 30 seconds later. Hardy will not die, though, and he survives round one. There's four ring girls, which seems excessive. Holyfield doesn't want to beat up this untrained guy any more. MVP demands he continue, so he knocks MVP out! Match just... ends after that and Holyfield puts Hardy over. Okay, that's pretty fun.

Still, it's worked boxing, so it can never be good.