Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

That Batista jump from cage to cage was pretty insane, he looked nervous lol

 

[Sky]

Entry #550
CM Punk/The Boogeyman vs. John Morrison/Big Daddy V
WWE Saturday Night's Main Event XXXV - August 18, 2007​

And now we get to what I wanted to talk about. The feud between CM Punk and Big Daddy V. Everyone loves CM Punk, right? Well, he was never able to get anything out of wrestling's King of Spheres. The first match they had with each other, as far as I can tell, comes in this - the tail-end of the CM Punk/John Morrison feud. The two found partners in what I can only call a good wrestler/shit wrestler mixed tag. Let's go.

We start with Punk and Morrison, which is a positive start. This in release order is not actually the first Punk/V match but it's the first in taping order and I already did Hardy vs. Holyfield so fuck it. Both guys go for creative pins. Morrison's sent out as we go to the break, and by the time we come back it's Punk out and Boogey in. Boogey hits a back body drop and strews the ring with worms. Ugh. In comes Big Daddy V and does his moves. Like many big men of his vintage, it's forearm clubs. To be fair, he does open hand slaps too. Boogey dodges the world's slowest-moving corner splash. Back to Punk/Morrison again. He does a spinning slam because he can. Springboard elbow by Punk for two. He does the cornered knee but then Morrison drags Punk off the corner.. Suddenly Punk gets a small package to get a pin over Morrison. SummerSlam: set up.

Wait, Punk didn't face Big Daddy V at all in that match. Still, it's a very ordinary, rushed match. Maybe it's for the best we didn't see Boogeyman do anything.

 

[Sky]

Entry #551
CM Punk vs. Big Daddy V
WWE ECW - August 14, 2007​

Okay, HERE is the canonical first Punk vs. Vis match. On WWE's version of ECW. On this show, Punk and Morrison sign a contract, then each has to face a monster. It won't surprise you to hear that the monsters are the tag partners at the SNME above. Punk vs. Big Daddy V... this can't end well.

Taz describes the sphere as "mammoth, gargantuan, abnormally large". Joey Styles chimes in with "planet-like". Vis overpowers a lock-up attempt. Punk tries a waistlock (even though those arms can barely fit around that waist) but Vis just backs into the corner. Like Andre the Giant, only not over. Vis stomps on Punk in the corner, but Punk gets some cornered knees. Vis catches Punk for a powerbomb. This is predictably glacial. Vis uses the entirely of his athletic ability to hit a rolling kick, and Punk's on the outside. He's on the apron but Vis throws a forearm sending Punk face-first to the announce table. He's blubbering like a little baby as he's counted out. Vis does the Spock signal thing.

Way to sell your next challenger for a supposed World Title. Have him be messed up by a fat fuck. Slow and with a flat finish.

 

[Sky]

Entry #552
Big Daddy V vs. Tommy Dreamer
WWE ECW - August 14, 2007​

I was going to move on to the No Mercy match, but not only is there John Morrison vs. Boogeyman (which will suck because it's Boogeyman), there's another Big Daddy V match to deal with on this ECW. Tommy Dreamer wants to face the winner of Punk vs. Morrison, but ARMANDO ALEJANDRO ESTRADA (god, 2007 was awful) demands he go right to the ring in 60 seconds and face Big Daddy V.

So I guess this is the start of the match? Dreamer barrels through distractions and messes up his leg on a catering trolley before stumbling to the ring. He realises that Big Daddy V is still in the ring. Vis undersells Dreamer's punches and gives a Samoan drop. Boot choking, slapping, and a corner splash downs Dreamer. Whirlwind of Love by Vis, and then an elbow drop finishes it.

Squash with silly premise, plus the beneficiary of the squash was Big Daddy V so it doesn't help anyone.

 

[Sky]

Entry #553
Stevie Richards vs. Kevin Thorn
WWE ECW - August 14, 2007​

Okay, guess I'm doing the ENTIRE show, because I just saw a card for Stevie Richards vs. Kevin Thorn. Kevin the Vampire's no Viscera in terms of shitliness, but he's not good! The story is that Stevie is 2-0 against this guy in meaningless TV matches. Can he make it three? Also, before this match, there was a storyline of Miz vs. Balls Mahoney, and Balls likes Kelly Kelly. I mean, sure. Kelly's got shitty taste in men, given Mike Knox and all, so that could happen.

Thorn goes for taunts and slaps in the corner but Stevie tackles him and goes for ground and pound. Thorn lariats Stevie down and now it's time for Generic Power Moves. Including a LOT of knees to the face. He's targeting that surgically repaired neck. Including with a CHINLOCK! Been a long time since I've seen a chinlock just to stall. Stevie fights back but Thorn just clotheslines him a few times. "HOW DARE YOU BEAT ME" -Thorn, who thinks it's his opponent's fault he sucks. One last ripcord gets two. Stevie tries to fight back with strikes and hits what is apparently a completely new move to the commentators. (It goes on to be known as the Codebreaker.) Thorn's had enough and hits a spinebuster for three. But then Thorn keeps beating on Stevie and hits the Crucifix. The ref reverses the decision and Stevie wins by DQ! In ECW! He's 3-0!

DQ'd for Kicking Too Much Ass! The worst kind of DQ! And no one gets over. Stevie gets murdered and Thorn looks stupid.

 

[Sky]

Entry #554
John Morrison vs. The Boogeyman
WWE ECW - August 14, 2007​

And we finish this detour of ECW with John Morrison trying to deal with Boogey! Okay, No Mercy '07 next, I promise.

Boogey kicks off the gross-out factor by spitting into the air. Stalling to start. Boogey does a leapfrog, which is probably his only athletic move, and a corner splash. Champ looking weak already! Boogeyman splash gets two. He dodges a Morrison springboard dropkick. Then he goes up top but a Morrison enzuigiri drops Boogey out of the ring, and head first on the outside. Oof. Boogey takes a bit of punishment including a sliding elbow. Morrison locks the arm. Boogey fights out and begins his comeback. Morrison bumps REALLY well, gotta say. Boogey leg drop gets two.

Morrison attacks the throat and kicks the ribs. Corkscrew moonsault attempt but Morrison badly overshoots. Boogey hits slams for two. He misses a corner charge and Morrison hits a springboard kick. Morrison tries to drag Boogeyman into the ring but Boogey hangs on to the ropes. He tries to pound on Boogey, the ref stops him... Morrison lightly nudges the ref, the ref acts like he's been shoved fifty feet, and gives the DQ win to Boogey. Morrison narrowly avoids getting wormed.

So, both champion and challenger made to look like shit going into the title match. What was that meant to achieve exactly? Ordinary match with an awful finish.

 

[Sky]

Entry #555
CM Punk (c) vs. Big Daddy V
for the ECW World Heavyweight Championship
WWE No Mercy - October 7, 2007​

And now FINALLY we're back to No Mercy. Which brings us to the third match of the Punk/Vis saga. And it's for the belt now! Yes, CM Punk may have lost at SummerSlam, but he won on free TV, and that's all that matters, isn't it? Eric Bischoff would agree! And now the PPV match is him facing the guy who murdered him in a minute last time. Who'd be drawn to that?

We start as the previous match started, with Vis absolutely overwhelming Punk. He's sent to the outside early on, and thankfully this isn't going to be a shitty count-out even earlier than the first match. Vis does a belly-to-back throw, and is in the perfect position to do Visagra, but he's all SERIOUS now so he just does forearm clubs to Punk's face and ass. Punk tries to topple Vis with kicks but gets overpowered. He dodges a corner splash and downs Vis with a missile dropkick. Matt Striker runs in for the DQ, though. What was the point of that? Punk wins and retains anyway no matter what you do, so I guess this is just Feud Must Continue. Vis beats on Punk with elbow drops and steals the belt for a few seconds.

This is shit. And it's on PPV!

 

[Chris]

Could do a whole series of just WWECW PPV title defenses tbh

 

[Sky]

Entry #556
Festus vs. Elijah Burke
WWE ECW - March 11, 2008​

I'm going to skip over the next couple of matches in this saga - Punk/Kane vs. Vis/Miz/Morrison on ECW and Punk/Kane vs. Vis/Henry at Armageddon - because they were actually decent. So we move on to the last time Punk and Vis faced off. Or rather, the match immediately before it. Because I saw what else was on this card. Festus vs. Burke? Oh my, I am SO there, this is going to suck all the fuck.

Festus does his moron-to-wrestler transformation when he hears the bell but Burke is prepared. He dodges a corner charge and starts to target Festus' right arm. You can see fans streaming out for their Piss Break during this match. Burke bars the arm for a while. Festus powers up but gets sent into the corner. He takes Festus down by the arm for two, then continues to work the arm. Festus manages to get a slam, a shoulderblock, and a pump kick. A knee drop followed by the Slop Drop takes it for Festus.

Meh. You can see why fans dipped. Also I HATE the Festus gimmick.

 

[Sky]

Entry #557
CM Punk vs. Big Daddy V
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
WWE ECW - March 11, 2008​

Okay, here it is. The end of the Punk/Vis saga. To qualify for the Money in the Bank. Imagine if Big Daddy V actually won this one. He'd have to climb a ladder. He can't climb the stairs. Also Shelton Benjamin is on guest commentary for this one. He was always awesome in MitB.

Vis overpowers Punk early on, as usual. "Big Daddy V ate my other sign" sign. That fan wins here. Punk tries to go for the legs but runs right into Whirlwind of Love (which is a move that he only ever gave a name during the Love Machine era. It's a Boss Man Slam). Vis stands on Punk and then chokes him. This is just slow torture. Punk misses the corner charge, hits those cornered knees. Tries the GTS but it ends realistically, with Punk being unable to lift Vis and being crushed. Punk yanks the rope down so Vis rolls out, and Punk celebrates the inevitable count-out victory like the biggest geek ever. Because you've always got to make the sphere look strong! At least Matt Striker takes a GTS.

WHY WAS WWE STILL PUSHING THIS GUY??

 

[Sky]

Entry #558
Ashley Massaro vs. Jillian Hall vs. Kristal Marshall vs. Michelle McCool
Bra and Panties Match
WWE The Great American Bash - July 23, 2006​

Finally, we return to the scene of the Great American Bash and the first ever Punjabi Prison match, for a T&A match that got a DUD from Dave. Let's go. This, by the way, isn't even an elimination Bra and Panties match. It's the first skin wins.

Michelle McCool is still in her Teacher's Pets gimmick. Remember that? Damien Sandow was in it! She does the "belt" motion on her own tits. Cat fighting to start. Michelle tries to make a run for it on the outside but Jillian stops her. Kristal and Ashley on the inside, and Ashley is de-topped. Michelle hits a shit backbreaker for the first wrestling move of the match. Jillian catfights her. She slams Michelle and goes up top but Kristal trips her. There's a really messy sequence and now Jillian is in a tree of woe and gets de-topped. JBL mocks Cole for talking about their athletic ability because they're hot. Honestly, correct response from JBL there.

Both babyfaces leave the heels bottomless... but Michelle has a second skirt under her first! Michelle stupidly betrays Kristal and they do a genuinely terrible rolling catfight. Crowd is dead. Michelle is sent clattering to the outside. Jillian makes Kristal motorboat her and tries a Boston crab, but Ashley removes Kristal's top to win. Jillian looks betrayed, but then Ashley has an idea. They strip each other off and celebrate in bra and panties. JBL rates this match five stars.

This was women's wrestling in 2006!

 

[Sky]

Entry #559
Big Show vs. Erick Rowan
Stairs Match
WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders, and Chairs... and Stairs - December 14, 2014​

When WWE chose to name a PPV Tables, Ladders, and Chairs, they were left in a bit of difficulty. A Tables match is well known, a Ladder match too... but a Chairs match? They just had to make something up, and it was usually the worst match on the show. Not this show, though. This one added a fourth weapon... and it was the steel steps! Why did they add the steel steps? No idea. To give Big Show something to do I guess. This somehow managed to claw its way to half a Dave star. Let's endure it.

Rowan has more pace to start off with than 50 Big Shows have put together. TO THE OUTSIDE where Show gets a boot up and slams Rowan. He whips Rowan into the stairs. You know, like what happens in regular matches. Show picks up some stairs but Rowan hits a sliding kick to send them into him. He topples a bunch of stairs for no reason, before stacking some of them. JBL compares this to Magnus Carlsen with his chessboard. It's moving at about the pace of a chess game, I'll give him that. Show sends Rowan into the ring post bouncing him off stairs. He opens Rowan's jacket to go for the slaps, then shoves him into the timekeeper's area. He slaps some stairs on the announce table. No idea why. Rowan comes back but Show whips him into stairs again. He takes the stairs off the announce table and puts them in the ring.

Back in said ring, Show drives steps into Rowan's back. He props stairs up in the corner and drives Rowan into them a couple of times. A few guys try to start a "boring" chant, and then an NXT chant! Rowan brawls back and slams Show into the steps. He then takes the stairs from the corner and tries to drop them on him from up top... Show barely dodges, getting caught in a bit. Rowan sells the stairs bouncing back off him and staggers to the outside. Show shoulder-charges Rowan through the stair stack from earlier. Both men down but Show sends Rowan back in. He picks up steps but Rowan boots them into him. Show hits a chokeslam on the steps, hits his Literally Just A Punch, and puts stairs on top of Rowan to pin him down for the win.

Absolutely glacially paced big man borefest. I'm glad they never did this gimmick again.

 

[Sky]

Entry #560
Hillbilly Jim vs. Mr. Fuji
Tuxedo Match
WWF from Madison Square Garden - December 26, 1986​

One of my favourite threads on this site is @BigVanDonnie reviewing old WWF. It takes the reader back to a simpler time when nobody knew what the hell a workrate was and you could please a crowd by being big and punching guys. But there were always notable turds even in those days. Like this one from a late '86 MSG show, that found its way on to Prime Time Wrestling in April 1987. This looks like... whatever the opposite of a dream match is.

Jim takes Fuji's hat off and stomps on it. Fuji goes on the offensive and the shoving match sees him rip a bit of Jim's shirt off. Jim takes off Fuji's front pocket. Fuji uses the Deadly Asian Karate Chop and continues tearing. He's now gotten Jim's jacket off, and is whipping him with it. Jim manages to get Fuji's jacket off, though. Absolutely nothing is happening other than stripping and occasional Fuji kicking. Not even a Deadly Nerve Pinch. Fuji chokes Jim with his own shirt. Jim gets an undersold body blow and removes Fuji's shirt. Jim counters Fuji's attempts to finish it with a headbutt dazing him, and strips Fuji fully. In true tradition, the heel has goofy polka dot underwear.

Strange and disturbing.

 

[Sky]

Entry #561
George "The Animal" Steele vs. Tiger Chung Lee
WWF from Boston Garden - August 3, 1985​

Speaking of strange and disturbing, George "The Animal" Steele! He got a match on this PTW... a match from 1985. Reminder that this PTW was post-WrestleMania 3. In 1987. And his opponent is everyone's least remembered travelling Japanese man of Korean descent... Tiger Chung Lee! Wonder why this one didn't make it on to TV any earlier?

Lee's got a kendo stick. Steele comes in and starts throwing stuff at his opponent, chasing him off. Lee gets a shot in with the stick. Ref struggles to make Lee put his weapon away, until Steele manages it by force. And BITING! Lee stalls on the outside. Steele does a weird dancing move. Lee taps out to a bite. I wish tapping out were a thing in 1985, so this stallfest would be over. He wiggles his arms, then bites Lee again. They do a little chase outside, that ends when Steele forgets where he is. More wiggly arms and Lee bails again. Lee counters Steele's attempt to bash him in the corner. He chokes Steele and bashes him on the announce table, so Steele tosses the table into the ring. Steele gets the edge with a foreign object, then starts no-selling, rips up a turnbuckle, then pins him with a... grounded choke?? for the win. Turnbuckle foam for everyone! Even the ref!

Awful stuff. No wrestling, no sense.

 

[Sky]

Entry #562
Jimmy Valiant vs. Paul Jones
Loser Leaves Town Tuxedo Street Fight
NWA Starrcade - November 22, 1984​

We're going BACK back, right to the past. This is the earliest match rated sub-2.0 on Cagematch, beating Dr. D vs. Rocky Johnson by only four days. I get the feeling it's not going to be toppled for a long time. And again, it's a tuxedo match. Between two non-wrestlers. Dave was shockingly kind to this one, calling it a two-star match. I'll be the judge of that. This, by the way, isn't a strip match, despite being a tuxedo match. Pinfalls are legal.

Ring announcer and commentators don't know which of the Zambuie Express is seconding Jones. I'd call that racist, but let's be honest, who at any point has cared enough about the Zambuie Express to tell them apart? (For the record, it's Elijah Akeem.) Jones is running away like a coward as the Boogie Woogie Man boogie woogies around. Valiant uses a string and ties it between his neck and the rope. Valiant takes off his own jacket as if he doesn't know what the rules of this match are. Jones is selling his clothes being torn better than he's selling punches. A minute later, Jones is now stripped. Camera mercifully cuts to a wide shot.

Jones escapes and starts hitting stuff like punches and knee drops, but Valiant starts no-selling! He's Boogie Woogie-ing up! (Was that another thing Hogan stole from his predecessors?) Valiant starts boogie-ing around and gets a sleeper on. Jones is busted open. I'm guessing he bladed during the wide shot. Arm-drop routine but Elijah Akeem distracts the referee. Then bumps him because OF COURSE. Assassin comes in, JJ Dillon comes in, hits Valiant with an object, and lets Jones cover him for the three. Valiant is gone.

Not as awful as I was expecting, but still, this does not make good television. Or Pay-Per-View.