What better time than December, to dismember the rest of December to Dismember? We've already been here for the Extreme Elimination Chamber and that mixed tag, but there's two further low-scorers in here, of which this is one. A match that isn't Extreme Rules, it's Extremely Ruled. But not in the fun Mystery Wrestling way where it's a reverse Iron Man where you have to commit as few infractions as possible, just heel shtick. 1.95/10 says the hivemind. I wouldn't be surprised. I look at a guy like Striker and say "Where's 911 when you need him, eh?".

At least they made Balls' generic WWECW theme sound a bit like Big Balls. Striker has a picture of himself on his trunks. "You gotta wonder about a man who wants to sit on his own face" -Joey Styles, you're wasted on this show. Balls gets a single leg takedown and tries a half crab but Striker gets to the ropes. The hypocrite that he is, Striker doesn't clean break from the ropes. He's shocked that Balls can do a leapfrog. Balls manages to get an armbar but Striker grabs the ropes again. Tease of a test of strength but Striker slaps the taste ouf of Balls' mouth. He avoids Balls' corner charge and makes him hit his shoulder.

Now time for Striker to target that arm. He goes for a hair-pull, even though he said no hair-pulling. "Striker sucks" is the main chant. Balls escapes an armbar by rolling Striker up. Striker drags the arm down and pins for two. Axe handles to the shoulder. Balls shoulds "AAGH JESUS" and Striker considers whether blasphemy is a rule violation. More decent arm work by Striker, who sends Balls into the corner shoulder-first again. Balls gets a boot up in the corner and rolls out of Striker's newest armbar. Sidewalk slam for two. Balls goes up top but Striker shakes the rope and crotches him. Fujiwara armbar by Striker, and Balls eventually manages to wriggle to the rope. Back suplex and then some rights by Balls. How can punches get so over? Striker gets a kick up on a back body drop but runs right into the Ball Breaker for three.

Completely inoffensive limbwork match. It was really interesting to see Balls use amateur wrestling techniques. I'd feel bad calling this a green match but I'd say it's not really deserving of its spot in this thread.

Okay, now this one. Dreamer vs. Daivari. After Muhammad Hassan left Daivari became a wandering manager, and by this point he's in charge of the Great Khali. He's still got Hassan's theme though. He's up against nostalgia act Dreamer in a Dave-certified DUD that got 1.43/10 from the hivemind. Let's do this.

Daivari does a promo in Farsi just to appeal to American xenophobia. He starts off with the basics on Dreamer. Dreamer tries a big boot but Daivari just rolls out of the ring, before coming back to hit from behind. Dreamer hip tosses Daivari who rolls out again. Drop toe hold by Dreamer but Daivari goes for the eyes and hits a dropkick followed by a baseball slide TO THE OUTSIDE. Dreamer whips Daivari into the barricade. Suplex by Dreamer but Khali yanks down the ropes so Dreamer falls over it. The ref spots it and sends Khali to the back.

"We want hardcore" chants from a few people. Daivari responds with a chinlock. And it's the same old shitty chinlock you always see, where it lasts way too long and it always comes slightly loose as soon as the face decides he wants to recover. Dreamer's recovery is cut off though and he eats an elbow drop for two. Another chinlock thankfully doesn't last that long... but now Daivari slaps on a sleeper! Dreamer manages to backpack Daivari and drops back to break it. Dreamer starts throwing hands. He seems to be slamming Daivari but... just doesn't, instead he goes for a reverse DDT for two. Death Valley Driver teased but Daivari gets the eyes.

Daivari and Dreamer battle up top, Daivari punches Dreamer down and goes for a flying nothing. Dreamer puts him up in the Tree of Woe and hits a dropkick. Dreamer looks for a DDT but Daivari rolls him up with a handful of tights. Khali shows up again and gives Dreamer the Punjabi Plunge on the stage. This is treated like Dreamer's being murdered. And... kind of, yeah!

Lame match with little heat and an anticlimactic ending, followed by a middle finger to the ECW fans.

Next up 1993. I remember watching this whole show a couple of years ago hoping for a hidden gem and it was a dreadful experience. Absolutely horrid. The best match (HBK vs. Crush) was just "fine" and most of the rest was boring match after boring trudge of a match. And they aired this live on PPV in the UK! How dare they? Without even the involvement of Hogan or anything! Here's the main event. And it's one more rummage into the festering heap of garbage that is Jim Duggan's career. 1.36/10 says the hivemind.

Yokozuna is at ringside, wonder if that'll play into the finish. It's so early into Luger's run that he's not only the "Narcissist", the ring announcer calls him the "Narcissus". Duggan gets a USA chant. In the UK. In Sheffield, of all places. You need to see this match, if only for that. It's the oddest thing you'll ever hear. Thousands of Yorkshire accents chanting for a country they're not even in. Luger takes Duggan to the ropes but Duggan starts laying in a few clotheslines. Luger rolls out for a rest allowing Duggan to play to the crowd. It's all he can do. Duggan blocks a few punches, comes in with lefts that look to miss on camera, then a big right.

Luger starts to get offence of his own and uses his metal arm. ROPE CHOKING! Duggan flaps the apron for no reason. On goes the chinlock. Duggan fights up and corners Luger but Luger gets a boot up. Elbow drop for two. Back to the chinlock. Duggan manages to elbow out again and starts to get shine with shoulderblocks but Luger gets a knee up. Chinlock AGAIN! Arm-drop routine but Duggan's living. He eventually fights up and bashes Luger in the corner. Time to start no-selling! He's Hacksawing up! Shoulderblock clash sends Duggan TO THE OUTSIDE where Yokozuna hits the Banzai Drop while the ref is distracted. Metal arm looks to win it but Mr. Perfect runs in to make the save. Officially it's a DQ win for Luger but crowd pops. Yokozuna tries to Banzai Drop Perfect but he rolls away and Duggan clears the ring with the 2x4.

Oh to be in 1993, where the fans could get white-hot for such utter tripe. The Sheffield fans went wild for everything despite seeing absolutely nothing in any way impressive.

Not one of the low scorers, but since I'm doing a few from 1993 RAW in a row I'd like to flag this one up. This was given focus by Bryan and Vinny (who are far more entertaining when they're not talking about current wrestling, much like most content creators). They described him as the worst jobber in RAW history. Maybe so, but can he suck at jobbing more than Rocky Gibbs from 1990 WCW? Let's find out!

Peter Weeks is a bit of a "heckin' chonker" at 310 pounds. He's got the Big Daddy V thing where he wears a singlet that accentuates his flab. Exchange of wristlocks. Weeks does some shitty chops during his. Tatanka does better chops that down Weeks. After a hammerlock they do a slow-motion OVW Thing because Weeks is immobile. Tatanka hip tosses him TO THE OUTSIDE and doesn't do any furniture bashing, only a chop. Back in the ring Weeks gets whipped into the turnbuckles. Tatanka slams Weeks and hits an elbow drop. Then a back body drop...

And each time he lands, Weeks leaves a brown stain in the ring where his rear end was. And that means, at last, we've finally found it. After all the rumours and innuendo about Sid (which I have delighted in spreading), we've finally found a wrestler who actually did shit himself in the middle of the ring. Truly historic.

Anyway, Weeks gets a punch and goes for a turnbuckle bash, which naturally Tatanka no-sells in true Tatanka fashion. Weeks has no idea how to take a shoulderblock. He then takes back bumps off chops and stains the ring some more. Tomahawk chop from the top finishes it in Tatanka's favour, and he dances around the shit-smearing sphere.

Stunk like Weeks' singlet.

We're not finished with horrific-smelling slobs in singlets, though - here's a Bastion Booger match! This was one of the designated "competitive" matches on this RAW, but managed to earn a 1.44/10 rating from the hivemind.

Booger rakes the eyes and starts doing some absolutely horrific looking forearm clubs. And ROPE CHOKING! And I can't stand the walk-away selling that Crush does. Crush tries to lift Booger but he's too heavy. Crush stops selling after a bit, and tries and fails to get Booger up for a back body drop. Dropkick by Crush that rolls Booger TO THE OUTSIDE. Booger shoves Crush into the ring post and squishes him against it. Then uses the steps. He drags Crush up by the hair to take a shot a couple of times. Turnbuckle bash. This is just so dull. MORE ROPE CHOKING! And on goes a bearhug because another word for stench is "funk" and that was big in the 70's. After what feels like half a year Crush fights out, does a suplex (while Booger fails to get up in any way for it) and then hits three slams in a row for the win. Bring on Yoko, I guess.

Bastion Booger was an awful wrestler.

One more RAW match from 1993 now, and this is an interesting one. On the same show where Shawn Michaels and the 1-2-3 Kid had a 15-minute hidden gem, we got this 1.24/10 affair from babyface Doink. God, babyface Doink is awful. Ruined the character. Along with Dink.

Bobby Heenan wants to shove Dink down a hill on his buggy. Same. Doink takes DeVito to the mat working on the arm. Of course we can't see that because fucking Dink is in the way. Doink smacks on an STF but the camera focuses on Dink playing with a squeaker. DeVito pulls out a full nelson but Doink just slips out and does one of his own. All the while Dink is getting in front of the camera, trying to entertain the crowd and failing. He's somehow turning the crowd off. Doesn't help that an uncompetitive technical match isn't that great in the first plaace. Belly-to-belly by Doink. Extended headlock while Vince plugs the Star Wars trilogy on USA. Double armbar which almost leads to a backslide pin. DeVito finally starts fighting back with cornered stuff but Doink starts no-selling. He punches out DeVito and hits the Whoopee Cushion to finish it.

You can't really do this sort of matwork match if it's so one-sided. Or if there's a little clown in the way all the time.

We're in the home stretch now, motherfuckers! We've only got this, a match from 1999, and then the long-delayed RAW Women's Division in 2021 retrospective. After that, I can take it easy, thankfully. I guess. I just want to get all this shit out of the way and then not have to worry about the Network dying before I miss anything obviously bad. Anyway, during this time Charlie Haas was having trouble with women, specifically Jackie Gayda and Dawn Marie. This was an unscheduled match, which is WWE's way of saying "this PPV ran too short so we're adding filler". 1.50/10 from the hivemind. Should we believe them?

The Armageddon set is AWESOME it has a giant flaming A made of girders and I'm so happy to see it all of a sudden. Probably best that I'm thinking about that and not about how I'm going to have to commentate a match involving the Bashams, whom I still cannot tell apart. There's a bit of a shoving match to start. Holly establishes a headlock on a man who is allegedly Doug Basham. OVW Thing (from Mr. OVW no less!) ends in a hip toss. Holly brings the beatdown on Doug but he fights out of the corner... oop, he misses a corner charge and Holly rolls him up. He gets a shot on Danny from the outside which lets Doug take the edge.

Now Danny's in and he does some stuff. Holly gets a boot up in the corner and hits a back suplex for two. Haas is laying in his shots. He does a fireman's carry takeover, which is what emotionally charged and deranged people do apparently. He slides under Doug's legs and hits some sick armdrags. On goes an armbar but Doug punches out. Doug gets the edge with a kick to the back, then on goes the chinlock and the crowd is deathly silent. Haas survives and fights off both Doug and Danny. He's going to the second rope but Danny trips him from the outside. Doug does some knees and Danny does some elbows. All to the head.

"Boring" chants ring out while Danny's on top. Then Doug does nothing to help that by putting on a chinlock. He cuts off Haas after his escape with a clothesline. Danny tries a clothesline but Haas ducks and hits the T-Bone suplex. Holly starts cleaning out the identical non-brothers, and goes up top with a forearm. He tosses Danny, telegraphs a back body drop but Doug kicks him and removes Haas. Slam by Holly. Out comes Dawn Marie to help Haas, and Jackie comes out to argue with her. The Bashams use the distraction to use Twin Magic and unleash a small package for the three.

Generic match with an ending that was confusing and chaotic but not in a good way.

And that storyline about Haas and his women ran through another match on this show - this one! Between his legit fiancee and the woman he's allegedly having an affair with (though seemingly only in said woman's mind). This leads to this match where he's meant to be the special guest referee. It's too short for Cagematch but it's minus 1 star from Dave.

Haas tries to separate his women but Dawn gets a slap in. This leads to a slapping contest. Jackie busts Dawn's face on her knee, then unleashes a series of hair-tosses. Dawn struggles badly to get Jackie onto the apron. She gets off a headbutt, and then fists start flying. Nowhere near their destination, but they're flying. Dawn slow-motion puts Jackie in the corner, and grinds her face on the rope. Jackie does a tackle, and then they do the catfight-rolls-over-the-ref spot. Dawn tries to kiss Haas, Jackie rolls her up, but Dawn rolls through. Despite seeing the hand FULL of tights, Haas counts the three. Post-match Haas admits that he's actually been sleeping with Dawn Marie, jilts Jackie, and makes like he's about to propose... but asks Dawn why she's such a slut. He's the face in this feud, by the way! 2004! The year where everyone respected women!

Really bad match attached to a really bad storyline.

It had to happen eventually. It's rated a 1.87/10 by the hivemind, so it has to go in. But this is going to make for deeply uncomfortable viewing. You know the reason why. The fans in the crowd had literally just watched Owen Hart fall to his death in real time. And yet the show continued. And the first match after his death featured his real-life friend, Jeff Jarrett. I don't see how this doesn't end up as a red match in the end. But I have to watch it, ultimately.

JR's heart clearly isn't in it on commentary. He's doing it solo. Debra is the Women's Champion, having won an evening gown match against Sable because Shawn Michaels was a horny bastard. Venis tries to hype up the crowd but thinks he's in Kansas City, Kansas instead of Kansas City, Missouri. Jarrett looks so lost. Crowd, despite having seen a man die in front of them, wants puppies. Mindless brawling, then Venis hits a back elbow and an elbow drop. Butterfly suplex by Venis for two. Jarrett hits a swinging neckbreaker and slides out to hit a shot on the outside. Armbar into a Flatliner by Jarrett. Nicole Bass tries to interfere but doesn't do anything. Venis hits a powerslam for two.

Spinebuster by Venis, who tags in Bass so Debra has to come in. After a bit of stalling Debra pulls out the Slap O'Doom and backpacks on to Bass. Bass misses a corner charge and takes some turnbuckle bashes and a kick to the ass. Now Jarrett/Venis again. Jarrett puts on a sleeper but Venis escapes and puts some knees in. Russian legsweep by Venis who grinds the air in Jarrett's face. He misses an elbow, though, and eats the Stroke. Bass breaks up the pin and poses for the crowd, so Debra hits her with the guitar. Which doesn't break. Bass tears Debra's top off and chases her off, now Jarrett has the guitar... Venis with a back suplex and the Money Shot to finish it.

Yeah, it's a red match. Not because of anything in it, but because of everything around it. You should not watch this match. The reason is simple: a man died, and the dark cloud is still hanging over the Kemper Arena, and yet the show continues, simply because Vince claimed Owen would have wanted it that way. Bullshit. Do not watch this.

But hey, at least now that I've gone through this, the RAW Women's Division in 2021 won't be too depressing, right?

Well, here we are. What could easily be called the final stretch for this era of the Bad Matches Thread. Don't worry, I'll still be doing a few from WWE before the Network goes away (I've meant to review shit like HHH/Taker in Australia, and Lesnar/Reigns at Mania 34 for a while), but at this point I can do these and feel satisfied. Not feel like there's anything incredibly important that I missed. And now, after a couple of weeks of stalling, here it is. The RAW women's division in 2021. Rather, it's Asuka, who was very in the RAW women's division at the time (long-time RAW Women's Champ and also Women's Tag Team Champ), and creepy little girl Alexa Bliss, who was very much not, mostly being involved in the Fiend story. But this match headlined RAW. And it got 1.50/10 from the hivemind. Maybe it's influenced by recency bias of the voters at the time - this was the very start of the period where Cagematch allowed users to rate stuff other than good matches. But it's scored this way, so let's see what it is.

I called the focus they use during Asuka's entrance "video game cam" at the time, and I still find it offputting. We start with a battle for wrist control. Alexa just clings on and laughs as she goes for a headlock. It feels like Alexa has no physical momentum compared to Asuka, but she manages to trip Asuka and roll her up for two. From her seated position she Matrix dodges a kick and does another roll-up. Shining Wizard by Asuka for two. Asuka cranks the arm and neck, Alexa struggles with it, but gets to the ropes and rolls out. Alexa dodges a baseball slide and now controls the ring. Lights go out, creepy music, as we cut to commercial...

...and as we come back Alexa is all in black and bathed in creepy purple light. Somehow Asuka is SCARED of this. The announcers are clearly perturbed too as they seem to have lost their voices. Asuka throws some kicks that get avoided and some forearms that get blocked. She eventually hits with one, but Alexa somehow overpowers her. Asuka gets a knee lift but Alexa does the Bray Wyatt bend-back and that makes Asuka stop. Alexa's going for the Mandible Claw, Asuka fights back. She eventually gets dropped by a right hand by Alexa for two. Alexa lifts Asuka up by her chin. Asuka hits a few strikes... but suddenly Alexa no-sells and hits Sister Abigail for the win.

I mean, I get what you're trying to do here. You're telling a "story". You're pushing your hot new "character". But do you have to bury a double champion in the process? Alexa's Fiend powers make Asuka unable to wrestle properly, is what the story you're telling is. And the character you're pushing is spooky nonsense, but in another division this time. In other words? Bad.

Asuka's Women's Tag Team Championship partner at the time was Charlotte Flair, who was having a troublesome(ly shit) storyline of her own. Yes, it's the Lacey Evans/Ric Flair love affair. With no crowd feedback for the best part of a year, Vince lost his mind and decided what the fans wanted to see was geriatric Ric Flair getting hot and steamy. Featuring a bonus of the absolute state of the tag team division at the time - random team of Dana Brooke and Mandy Rose, and overpushed random team of Nia and Shayna. A downright horrifying 0.84/10 from the hivemind... this can't just be recency bias, surely.

Like so many matches during the ThunderDome era, this started as a singles that ended with a non-finish, so let's look at that too. It's Charlotte vs. Shayna. Shayna tries to mess with the wrist but Charlotte corners Shayna. She dropkicks Nia away from the apron which lets Shayna try the Kirifuda Clutch early. Charlotte drops her off, lops her down with a big boot, and sets up the Figure Eight before Nia comes in with a leg drop to end this phase. Mandy and Dana save from the beatdown by Nia and Shayna which leads to Lacey Evans coming out to attack Charlotte too. This is the setup for a six-woman tag. Was this part of Vince's sudden decision that he hated wrestling during ad breaks? Because it seems like it, as the match starts after the break.

Mandy vs. Lacey to start for real. Lacey struts and woos to taunt Charlotte. Exchange of wristlocks and Mandy gets a headlock takeover. Lacey responds with a bodyscissors, them back to the headlock. Mandy aborts an OVW Thing to kick Lacey. In comes Dana for a double suplex. Lacey crashes into Dana's clothesline for two. Snapmare, unnecessary cartwheel, and kick for two. Charlotte in but Lacey tags out to Shayna. They keep avoiding corner charges. Shayna takes Charlotte's leg out but Charlotte dodges a knee and unleashes some chops and a fallaway slam. In comes Mandy and she and Dana do cartwheel kicks. Dana does Flair chops. Charlotte does the Flair bump on to the apron and uses it to drag Shayna out. They battle on the outside... and Shayna gets counted out? Huh???

After the break... the match has been restarted?? Huh???? This is ABSOLUTELY Vince's hate boner for wrestling during the breaks. Okay, so it's Nia and Dana now. Dana gets some shine but it's entirely in PiP. Nia drags her by the tights for some reason but Dana enters a spinning headscissors. A really, really shitty spinning headscissors where it's clear that it's just Nia spinning on her own, and yet she can't even make it look pacey. Dana hits a handspring back elbow but Nia just shoves her down for two. Lacey in now, who does a... standing splash? to Dana. ROPE CHOKING! Now Shayna's in, who stamps on Dana's elbow to break. Nia complements that with... what appears to be a straitjacket chinlock or something. You can never tell what something was meant to be with Nia. Dana tries to sunset flip a larger woman and almost gets sat on.

Hot tag to Mandy who wipes out Shayna from the apron before taking on Lacey. Pump knee by Mandy should have it but Shayna breaks it up... Charlotte spears Shayna! Then Nia comes in and clatters her way through the rest of the field. Lacey drags Charlotte out and runs away. Nia misses a shoulder charge on Dana who gets a neckbreaker for two. She's about to go for the Brooke Bomb/Rarefied Air but Nia tosses her to the mat. Chokebomb and leg drop wins it for Nia.

The in-ring wasn't awful, particularly when Nia was in. But the format was dogshit. What happens when you screw with whole TV formats to appeal to the tastes of one insane rapist billionaire.

Next up is a match that the hivemind calls as 1.80/10. It's also, if I'm remembering rightly, where the Charlotte/Lacey storyline abruptly ends. Lacey's "earned" a title shot vs. Asuka, because Charlotte got DQ'd for kicking too much ass last week after Ric Flair... looked at her? That's meant to be happening at Elimination Chamber. But in the meantime, this match!

Pre-match Lacey and Peyton promo on a heart-shaped candy. No idea. Notably, Lacey talks a lot like she's going to be at Elimination Chamber, which is funny given what happens next. Asuka kicks off with a headlock takedown or two on Peyton. Peyton pulls the hair. Asuka gets various limbs up in the corner. She bars the arm and tags in Charlotte who gets rammed into Lacey's corner. Charlotte wants Lacey but she isn't tagging in. Peyton does some strikes, but she's caught on a crossbody and takes a fallaway slam. Charlotte and Asuka take it in turns delivering chops and kicks. Peyton tries to get a drop toe hold but Asuka stands firm. Peyton stops herself at the ropes and uses kicks to get Asuka down for two.

After a bit of Cornered Stuff by Peyton she hits a suplex for two. Asuka fights back and gets a clothesline for a double down. Now hot tag to Charlotte, and Lacey doesn't want in still. TO THE OUTSIDE we go with the bashes against the announce table that seemingly every ThunderDome match had. Peyton tags to Lacey, and she drops down rather than enter the ring. She grabs a FUCKING MIC, to announce she's pregnant. Ric struts about like he's the father as the match just ends out of nowhere. What the hell is going on?

Lacey was legit pregnant and the storyline just ended, by the way. No idea why they tried to kayfabe it, what the point was there. I'd rather they just killed the storyline right off.

This is it. The last of the low-scorers that can be found on the WWE Network. My journey of bad matches is entering a new era, and this, I guess, is the end of the old one.

So here's to it all. To WCW 2000. To the Great American Bash '04. To Heroes of Wrestling. To me burning myself out with the era of 20 minute time limit draws. To the World War 3s, the "bad Rumbles" and the "bad" Rumbles. To the worked shoots. To Lex Luger. To Sting. To Kane. To the Undertaker. To Big Show. To Hulk Hogan. To Chavo Guerrero Jr. because idiot over here decided to marathon the Hornswoggle/Chavo feud. To THE OUTSIDE and the BOTO. To the odd euphemisms for the penis and testicles. To the bearhugs, because it's the 1970s. To the rope chokes, the boot chokes, the grounded chokes, and all the other kids of chokes. To the kid watching WrestleMania 9. To the voice inside my head. To the Gang Wars crawl. To Sabu and Sandman. To the Bath House Deathmatches. To the Kennel from Hell, the one that (technically) started it all. To the red matches, the green matches, everything in between. To everyone who's been reading and "enjoying" as much as I have been. Thank you.

Now, let's watch some women refusing to co-operate, shall we? Charlotte is the champion and this is the "Championship Contender Match" meme that Vince loved, where he'd beat his champions on free TV to justify title shots later. Or in the case of Rey Mysterio, kill his champs because small. Charlotte starts off by stalling on the outside, heeling it up (vs. born heel Nia, in an interesting move). Every time Nia charges Charlotte dashes away. Finally we get a lock-up, that Nia's overpowering in but Charlotte escapes by yanking the hair. They clash with each other a few times before Charlotte attacks the knees and tries a suplex. That obviously doesn't end well. Samoan drop teased but Charlotte drops off, though Nia gets a clothesline off. She does a corner avalanche and teases a hip attack but misses.

Charlotte puts on a headlock, wrenching it on. And keeps it on. And keeps it on. And keeps it on, even after Nia goes to the ropes. Nia manages to shove her off, though. ROPE CHOKING! Nia misses another corner charge and Charlotte does her father's bump to the apron. Reverse choke over the rope by Charlotte. Nia does a snapmare, and then allegedly a spinebuster. In reality, Nia doesn't come down with Charlotte, Charlotte lands on one foot, and then pretty much gets up before Nia pushes her down for the pin, and doesn't even give her the dignity of a one-count. Out Charlotte goes again. Nia charges the ropes but Charlotte pulls the middle one down so she goes through. PESCADOOOO by Charlotte as we go to break.

One break later, Charlotte's got a headlock but Nia lifts out. Nia gets what appears to be a stiff shot to Charlotte's face. Charlotte dodges a corner charge. You'd think with how early Charlotte dodged, and how slow Nia's going, Nia could have seen what was happening and stopped. But no. Charlotte does a BIG WALK (fully laying in those steps) and tries a moonsault but Nia gets the knees up. Samoan drop by Nia, and she goes for the leg drop, and she dodges "just in time" (that is, about a year early).

Then the part of the match everyone talks about. Charlotte slaps Nia, leading to a shoving match and a bit of trash talk .Charlotte goes for a chop but Nia no-sells. There's a bit of confusion until Nia tries to lift Charlotte but Charlotte deadweights her. Charlotte then... gets on Nia's shoulders for some reason? It's very unclear what's going on, all structure in this match has evidently broken down. It ends with, I think, a Russian legsweep for two. Graves calls it as an inverted DDT even though there was no reverse facelock. Whatever it was, Nia sat up out of it. Charlotte takes out the leg and targets one knee, stumbling over it as she goes. She gives Nia a few rough shoves and shakes her ass in her face. Figure Four set up but Nia shoves her off and uses her chokebomb for three. Both women come out visibly displeased.

Apparently this was a miscommunication and the two get on well. But... yikes, that was rough as fuck. So much going wrong there. So clear what happens when a wrestling match's structure goes completely by the wayside. And now... the last low-scorer is gone. So I can review whatever the hell I want. On to a new era...

And to celebrate, let's take in a Rumble! And since we're doing the relatively recent women's division, the 2022 Women's Rumble it is! Widely remembered as a "bad Rumble" for its fairly predictable and disappointing result and lack of huge surprises... is it that bad in hindsight? Or is it even a "bad" Rumble? Let's find out!

Number 1 - Sasha Banks
Number 2 - Melina

WOMP. WOMP WOMP WOMP. WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP. I actually really like Sasha's last WWE theme. And she comes out in Sailor Moon mode, She's met by the first nostalgia pop in Melina, who gets her red carpet and paparazzi entrance and receives a big pop when she does her splits. They trash talk and pose down, until Sasha catches a kick, hits Melina with a knee, and dumps her out right away. She then does the split in front of Melina.

Number 3 - Tamina
Number 4 - Kelly Kelly

TEAM BAD EXPLODE! Sasha goes under the rope to hit a Meteora. Tamina's fists go flying and Sasha's hairpiece begins to fall apart. Knees in the corner repeatedly from Sasha. I'm sure Tamina breathed a sigh of relief at no longer being the most limited woman in the ring when Kelly showed up. Kelly fails to do a tilt-a-whirl headscissors or a handspring back elbow properly. Tamina dodges a Stinkface attempt. Kelly tarantulas Sasha but Sasha shoves her off the headscissors to take her out.

Number 5 - Aliyah
Number 6 - Liv Morgan

Oh hey, remember Aliyah? What a relic of the late Vince era. She goes for a Thesz press ground-and-pound and takes her shirt off, before getting into it with Tamina. Sasha puts Aliyah close to elimination but she survives. Pre-main eventer Liv clashes with her equal on the card in Aliyah, then does an inverted double stomp to nearly send Sasha out. Tamina stops it for some odd reason. DOUBLE BOOT CHOKING by Liv who points at the sign. Three Amigos from Sasha.

Number 7 - Queen Zelina
Number 8 - Bianca Belair

Hey, it's this gimmick! Sasha tries to get rid of her in short order, but Tamina dumps Sasha over the ropes and a Zelina kick creates a serious shock elimination early on! Apparently Sasha had returned early from an injury, and wasn't ready for a full Rumble. A big pop as something seems to be happening with the house lights, but it's not clear what. Aliyah clings to life against Tamina. Bianca's so over. She boots Tamina's head against the apron, then shows off by lifting Zelina. She uses a handspring moonsault to nearly eliminate Liv and damage Zelina. She's so fucking good at this.

Number 9 - Dana Brooke
Number 10 - Michelle McCool

24/7 Champion comes out, with no belt, removing the opportunity for a bit of fun. She does have Reggie though. As personal concierges go, he's no Iceman. Dana's moveset at this point consists of basic moves with a cartwheel before them. Bianca and Aliyah are on the top and Liv tries to get a double but to no effect. The elimination leader in the first Rumble would eliminate Dana but Reggie catches her. She outpowers all women around and hits the Faith Breaker on Zelina. Dana gets a boot and is out. Somehow Aliyah's having more staying power than the typical iron woman of the roster Sasha did..

Number 11 - Sonya Deville
Number 12 - Natalya

This was during Sonya's WWE official phase, so she comes out in a suit and doesn't even enter, going to commentary. She says she's going to take the jacket off and enter when she's ready. Zelina is in danger of getting dumped by Aliyah but Michelle McCool stops the elimination for some reason. I don't get that, it's every woman for herself. Natalya gets involved with Liv and takes a sunset flip. Tamina's about to eliminate Bianca, but Natalya comes to drop them both... no, Tamina is eliminated while Bianca clings on! She's so good.

Number 13 - Cameron
Number 14 - Naomi
Number 15 - Carmella

A nostalgia pop? Nah, no one has nostalgia for Cameron. She becomes the fourth singles competitor in WWE to use Somebody Call My Momma. Looks like Sonya's finally ready to come in and hurt Cameron. Oh yeah, I remember her totally-not-race-based feud with Naomi at the time. Cameron gets a faceful of ring post and is out. Of course, Naomi is the next entrant. I miss her old theme. She goes straight to pounding on Sonia and does a kick off the ropes. An enzuigiri to the apron clears Sonya. Zelina is happy to see Carmella showing up, but she takes forever to enter, instead going over to tell Corey Graves to tell everyone how beautiful she is. Liv and Natalya get together to try and eliminate Bianca. A lot of women almost but not quite getting eliminated right now.

Number 16 - Rhea Ripley
Number 17 - Charlotte Flair??

This is her brutality! She goes straight to Carmella (who is now wearing the mask, remember that?) and brings her into the ring. She gets swarmed by Carmella, Zelina, and Natalya all together, but manages to get Carmella and Zelina out. Everyone getting mistreated right now by Rhea! Next up is... wait, Charlotte? The current SmackDown Women's Champion? Is this a Brock thing where she wants a Mania off? A 3-on-1 pileup tries and fails to eliminate Natalya. Charlotte boots Nia before getting rid of Aliyah finally. She does moves on Liv and Naomi before powerbombing the latter on the apron... but she handstands to stay in, until Sonya comes back and pulls her off the apron. There goes a survival spot I guess.

Number 18 - Ivory
Number 19 - Brie Bella

The RTC sirens sound as Ivory, looking absolutely INCREDIBLE for 60, comes out. That's the power of clean living. She berates the current roster for being "wayward" and "lost little girls", because you can't say "slut" or "whore" under PG. Rhea lifts her and tosses her out in the most fun spot of the match. Another anti-nostalgia pop, another women's tag team Jannetty, enters as Brie engages Brie Mode. She does the YES chants because, ya know, Danielson. Who is in AEW. Both she and Natalya try to eliminate each other. Bianca and Rhea do a stalling suplex lift on Charlotte, leaving her in danger on the apron.

Number 20 - Mickie James

HARDCORE COUNTRYYYYYY! Mickie James, the current Knockouts Champion! The story here is that they didn't have enough women for this Rumble, so they called back everyone they'd cut, not knowing that Mickie was in TNA and the champ at the time. She's out with her TNA theme, with the belt, as Michelle goes into it with her early. Remember Piggie James? She uses a headscissors to eliminate Michelle (who's tall enough that both feet hit the floor by accident).

Number 21 - Alicia Fox
Number 22 - Nikki A.S.H.
Number 23 - Summer Rae

Okay, now an actual nostalgia pop. Do a Northern Lights suplex, please. Out come the dropkicks, a scissors kick, and then she goes for Natalya. Speaking of, she's very nearly eliminated by Charlotte but still safe. Rhea's watching for Nikki coming out from the entrance, but she emerges from the crowd and tries to eliminate Rhea. That's the sign of the gulf between them - even with the element of surprise, Nikki can't toss Rhea. She rolls out from under the ropes, and Charlotte uses the distraction to engage Rhea. Summer Rae engages her long-held but long-forgotten rival, Natalya. That's the problem with being a world record holder - you make a lot of unmemorable rivalries. Wheel kick downs Natalya but Charlotte steals Summer's thunder. Natalya gets the elim on Summer, after which Charlotte fails to kick her out.

Number 24 - Nikki Bella
Number 25 - Sarah Logan
Number 26 - Lita

Oh hey, here's the other Bella. Nikki unleashes some facebusters. Brie saves Nikki from Bianca's wrath. Alicia sees them in sync and declares that Team Bella lives, but the Bellas punch her off the apron. Sis really thinks she's part of the squad. Speaking of reunions, Sarah Logan makes her return and reunites the Riott Squad briefly. They're so happy to see each other until the Bellas show up and toss Logan. Liv tries to crossbody two women at once, drags Nikki Bella to the apron, but gets dumped by Brie. ANOTHER nostalgia pop as Lita shows up. She suplexes Nikki A.S.H. before going to meet Mickie James. Mickie tries a headscissors but Lita sends her to the apron and to the floor. We get a Lita/Charlotte intergenerational staredown which is a cool visual.

Number 27 - Mighty Molly
Number 28 - Ronda Rousey

It's a battle of cartoony superheroes as Nikki A.S.H. accosts Molly, pounding away and sending her into the steps. In the ring she tears off Molly's cape before removing her. Bianca/Rhea/Brie stuff going on in the corner... And here's the anointed winner as Rousey shows up. Everyone stops what they're doing to stare at her, except Nikki Bella who gets blasted. Ronda has both Nikkis on the apron, and eliminates the superhero with a superkick. Brie saves her sister only to blast her off with a punch herself. Ronda gives Brie some very light punches in the corner.

Number 29 - Shotzi
Number 30 - Shayna Baszler

No tank for Shotzi, who gives a crossbody to Rhea and Bianca before going after Lita. Ronda finally removes Brie. Bianca challenges Ronda but gets cornered. Rhea tries something against Ronda but gets cornered too. Number 30 is Shayna, as if Ronda didn't have enough of an advantage already. Suplexes and knees. Shayna and Ronda briefly consider facing each other but Charlotte intervenes. Ronda gets Natalya to the apron but again she survives. Shotzi almost skins the cat but Ronda finishes her off before dealing with Natalya... but Bianca takes the elim. Natalya comes back in so Ronda can eliminate her a second time. Sloppy Twist of Fate from Lita to Charlotte, but Rhea lifts her into the corner so Lita can do a headscissors. Rhea tries to toss Lita off.... Litasault teased... Rhea trips Lita and Charlotte takes the kill.

Rhea lifts Ronda up high, but Ronda moves into a triangle choke over the ropes. Charlotte takes advantage, Rhea shoves Ronda into the ring post and Charlotte boots Rhea. You'd think Charlotte/Rhea was the plan rather than Charlotte/Ronda, the way they're booking this. Charlotte does her father's bump but survives and fights off the apron. A classic Kevin Dunn camera cut obscures what happens next, I think both Bianca and Charlotte were trying to kick Ronda? Kirifuda Clutch attempt on Bianca who counters with a spinebuster. Bianca tries to handspring but Kirifuda Clutch goes on again! Bianca tries to KoD Shayna but Charlotte comes to eliminate them both. Big Charlotte/Ronda staredown, but it's over soon as you like as Ronda catches Charlotte on a big boot and jumps her out.

If you were going to build Charlotte/Ronda, I'm sure there's less on-the-nose ways to do it than this. The winner was obvious as soon as Charlotte and Ronda shared a ring. I don't think there should be active champs in a Rumble. Too many nostalgia pops, not enough hungry NXT talent. But otherwise? Not a "bad" Rumble. However, a "bad Rumble".

If you're like me, you're bitterly disappointed by the vanishing of the WWE Network in international territories, with absolutely nothing to replace it. Makes me glad that I got all the significant matches out of the way, I guess. But there's still a few I'd like to take a look at for various reasons. And this one lets us take a look at WrestleMania 34. Firmly in the "too fucking long" era of Mania, it saw the best match of the card involving Stephanie McMahon; John Cena's efforts to summon the retired Undertaker ending in a squash; the Royal Rumble winners' matches respectively ending in CharlotteWinsLOL and a kick in the dick; and this thing! (As a sidebar, I was always planning to feature this one next, but today the chess world crowned a new and youngest ever World Chess Champion! Great time to look at the youngest ever champion in something, right?)

The no-longer-underused Cesaro and revitalised Sheamus show up on a Mardi Gras float, because if you're going to have a WrestleMania entrance, might as well goof it up rather than be grim-facedly serious like, say, every Triple H Mania entrance ever. Braun gets on the float, clears out the carnival characters and shoves the float off the stage. Braun announces that, in lieu of choosing one of the actual wrestlers on the roster that didn't even get into the Andre battle royal, he'll pick out a partner from the crowd. Fun fact: half the New Japan roster was there to watch Shinsuke not winning the title. Imagine that, Braun and Minoru Suzuki as tag champs. But no, he bypasses them and picks a confused-looking long-haired boy. Thus begins one of the greatest WWE careers of all time.

Braun kicks things up by tossing Sheamus all about. "We want Nicholas" chants as Braun sends Sheamus out. Cesaro strikes with uppercuts but Braun goozles him and lifts him right up for a chokeslam for two. Braun chases Sheamus around, yanks him by the hair, but Cesaro dropkicks the monster's knees out. Big double suplex, then Sheamus does a knee drop. Cesaro trashes Nicholas before coming off Sheamus' shoulders on to Braun for two. Crowd's chanting only for Nicholas. Bar both try to go for kicks but Braun catches them and crossbodies both of them. Braun tosses Sheamus on to the post and outside again. HOT TAG TO NICHOLAS!! Oh wait no, he tags Braun back in. Braun catches a Cesaro crossbody and converts it into his running powerslam for three.

Ultimately harmless for a death slot match. Except for the fact that it tells us one guy can beat the best tag team in the company. Oh yeah, that's why I don't like it. Nicholas didn't put anyone over on the way out either. Dick. Prime Shawn Michaels stuff.