You know, I think I might as well make this post, just get a lot of shit off my chest.
For nearly the past year, I have been suffering majorly from anxiety and depression. I also am 99% sure I'm on the spectrum for Autism, something which has been undiagnosed for my 26 years of life which has made coping with life after school difficult. I think I've always had some anxiety, the ability to worry about something seemingly so minor, but I think over the past year, when it has come to doing anything in regard to applying for jobs, studying for the bar exam, anything related to it, I have been constantly paralyzed. After getting one meeting/informal interview with a firm, I sort of fell off and stopped. When I haven't been struggling with that, I tried to throw myself into hobbies. At one point, I was drawing nearly every day for a month, and until recently, I was going ham for stuff in FWA. But I think I've been using all of it as a distraction or a coping tool. Maybe just find something to give myself a little joy. Because it's been very easy for me to go on a spree of self loathing. Words like "Worthless" or "Not good enough" always were part of my vocabulary in regards to those rants. It'd be often associated around the job hunt but at times transitions into just other parts of life and me as a person. Then I'd make some progress working on a resume, applying for a small job to maybe bridge the gap, but get no response or declined. Then I'd be frozen mentally for a few days. I'd make my CV, triple check it, but then stop. I'd think "Look at this, nobody will hire you." And I'd not apply. Or I'd look at a list of jobs and save dozens of them only to maybe apply for one or two.
In December, I sent an email off to an employment counselor to maybe get help with that stuff, only for the email to be an automated thing saying "Fill this out" and there being no link or attachment, leaving myself stuck and being too scared to even pick up the phone. Then add the financial stress of not working for some time and having student loans and your bank breathing down your neck. I got my loans sorted and likely will have a period of relief/non paying of loans while I'm not working, but I've been frozen at the thought of calling my bank or picking up the phone when they call.
As for Autism, look, I know it isn't this bad thing. I've had friends on the spectrum before, I know there's likely members of the site on it as well. It isn't this evil disease or a curse and everyone is different. But I know I have a lot of issues with controlling and understanding my emotions. I have a hard time understanding social cues, even online, and always do something to put my foot in my mouth or say or do something innocently but not thinking of the consequences. I genuinely can think of one situation somewhat recently where it resulted in a friend blocking me and me wanting to yeet myself off a bridge after. Then another where I couldn't understand the intent behind what someone said and let it get to me. I think especially I get "hyperfixated" on things easily. Wrestling (duh), Pokemon, my plushies, baseball, e-feds, when I was really young it was hockey. I'd talk someone's ear off about something, not realizing they don't care, or they tell me to shut up about it. A number of signs are there. But, even if I said it's not a bad thing, it's sort of frustrating because until I get tested for it, I don't want to treat myself as if I have it. I also don't want to use potentially having it as an excuse for saying or doing stupid shit. If I had known sooner, then honestly I'd maybe learn different ways to cope, manage my emotions, maybe I also would have got some accommodations during Law school and that could have made my experience there a touch easier? But maybe I also wouldn't have been as hard on myself for certain mistakes. (Also, a greater percentage of Autistic people identify as LGBTQ, so I guess that might also put my gender dysphoria into context).
The past several months have been just rough, with the past week especially has been rough. I go to bed around 1am, 1:30, get up at 11 half the time (though I blame some on my brother's snoring) because my brain is constantly running it takes so long to calm down and fall asleep. Then during the day when I try to do something productive I just freeze. Then I just resort to lying down for 2-3 hours. Yesterday I opened my resume, made some minor changes, but yet as I was looking at some of those mistakes I kept thinking "Jesus fuck, you show this to someone? Pathetic." And when I was asked if I called the bank, I cried. I actually cried.
Every day I keep thinking about how pathetic I am. I keep thinking I'm this freak or loser. I have thought about certain things I probably shouldn't but no genuine effort to do it, so I guess that's something? But I get asked if I want to do something but I turn it into a whole spree thinking I don't deserve shit, or I'm going to fuck things up in some way. Some fucking way so minor or not, then everyone hates me, or that nobody will care about me that they're better off without me. But I shouldn't think these things. People tell me I'm not, maybe some of you will tell me I'm the opposite and that "Oh, you're just down on your luck, or on this rough patch" and "You're not this horrible person." But it doesn't change the fact I've felt this for months.
I just... I just need fucking help.
